performed, an actor came upon the stage to give out the next play.
“Pray,” says a gentleman, “what is the name of the piece you have
played to-night.” “The Stage-coach, sir.” “Then let me know when you
perform it again, that I may be an outside passenger.”
ANSER CAPITOLINUS.
“Boy, what have you got before you there?” cried a pursy old doctor
of divinity, who sat at the head of a table in one of the colleges of
Oxford, to a young man a good way down. “Anser Capitolinus,” cried the
boy in reply. “A capital answer,” roared the doctor; “send me a wing.”
LORD BATEMAN.
In 1781, Lord Bateman waited upon the king, and with a very low bow,
begged to know “at what hour his majesty would please to have the stag
hounds turned out.” “I cannot exactly answer that,” replied the king,
“but I can inform you, that your lordship was turned out about two
hours ago.” The Marquis Caermarthen succeeded him.
WAY TO TURNHAM GREEN.
Oliver Goldsmith being at supper one night with a lady, who was making
an apology for the brownness of her pickles, very gravely desired her
to send them to Hammersmith. “To Hammersmith, doctor!” says the lady;
“why, is there any thing particular in that place?” “O yes, madam,”
says he, “that is the _way to Turn’em Green_.”
A JIBE AT THE SCOTCH.
In a company where Johnson and Foote were together, the emigration of
the Scotch to London became the subject of conversation: Foote insisted
that the emigrants were as numerous in the former, as in the present
reign; the doctor the contrary: this dispute continued with a friendly
warmth for some time, when Johnson called out, “You are certainly
wrong, Sam; but I see how you are deceived; you cannot distinguish them
now as formerly, for the fellows all come _breeched_ to the capital of
late years.”
POLITICAL BON-MOT.
Some one jocularly observed to the Marquis Wellesley that in his
arrangements of the ministry, “His brother the Duke had thrown him
overboard.” “Yes,” said the Marquis, “but I trust I have strength
enough left to swim _to the other side_.”
FROG MORGAN.
Frog Morgan, a barrister of very diminutive size, before he was much
known at the bar, had commenced an argument, when Lord Mansfield, not
aware of his stature, called upon him repeatedly to get up, conceiving
that he was not addressing the court standing. “My lord, I am up,”
screamed out the little man; “and I have been up these ten minutes.”
SERGEANT PRINCE.
Sergeant Prince, a contemporary of Murphy, the translator of Tacitus,
has described that gentleman as the most lengthy and soporific speaker
of his time. Bar, Bench, jurors, attorneys--nay, even the javelin-men,
nodded under their somnolescent influence. A counsel getting up to
reply to him, began, “Gentlemen, the long speech of the learned
sergeant----” “I beg your pardon, sir,” interrupted Mr. Justice Nares,
“you might say the long soliloquy of the learned sergeant, for my
brother Prince has been talking an hour to himself.”
UNATTACKABLE.
An officer was defending himself before Sir Sydney Smith for not having
attacked a certain post, because he had considered it _unattackable_.
“Sir,” said the gallant chief, “that word is not in English.”
BIBLICAL COMMENT.
At the commencement of the French revolutionary war, an honest farmer,
who read his Bible every Sunday, went to his rector, and asked him
whether he did not think that the contest would go very hard with the
French? The rector replied, that, if pleased God, he hoped it would.
“Nay,” said the farmer, “I am sure it will then; for it is said by the
prophet Ezekiel, chap. xxxv. verse 1, ‘Son of man, set thy face against
_Mount Sier_;’ now, my wife, who is a better scholar than I am, says
this can be nothing but _Mounseer_, the Frenchman; and in almost the
next verse it is still stronger, for there the prophet adds, ‘O, _Mount
Sier_, I am against thee and I will make thee most desolate.’”
DANGER OF DOING HOMAGE.
Mr. Carbonel, the wine-merchant, who served George the Third, was a
great favourite with the good old king, and was admitted to the honours
of the Royal Hunt. Returning from the chase one day, his majesty
entered, in his usual affable manner, into conversation with him,
riding side by side with him, for some distance. Lord Walsingham was
in attendance, and watching an opportunity, whispered to Mr. Carbonel,
that he had not once taken off his hat before his majesty. “What’s
that, what’s that, Walsingham!” inquired the good-humoured monarch.
Mr. Carbonel at once said, “I find I have been guilty of unintentional
disrespect to your majesty, in not taking off my hat; but your majesty
will please to observe that whenever I hunt, my hat is fastened to my
wig, and my wig to my head, and I am on the back of a high-spirited
horse; so that if anything goes off, we must all go off together.” The
king laughed heartily at this whimsical apology.
SHERIDAN’S GREEK.
Lord Belgrave having clenched a speech in the House of Commons with
a long Greek quotation, Sheridan, in reply, admitted the force of
the quotation so far as it went; “But,” said he, “had the noble lord
proceeded a little farther, and completed the passage, he would have
seen that it applied the other way.” Sheridan then spouted something,
_ore rotundo_, which had all the _ais_, _ois_, _kous_, and _koes_, that
gave the world assurance of a Greek quotation; upon which Lord Belgrave
very promptly and handsomely complimented the honourable member on his
readiness of recollection, and frankly admitted that the continuation
of the passage had the tendency ascribed to it by Mr. Sheridan, and
that he had overlooked it at the moment when he gave his quotation. On
the breaking up of the House, Fox, who piqued himself on having some
Greek, went up to Sheridan, and asked him, “Sheridan, how came you to
be so ready with that passage? It certainly is as you say, but I was
not aware of it before you quoted it.” It is almost unnecessary to
observe that there was no Greek at all in Sheridan’s impromptu.
SHERIDAN AND CUMBERLAND.
When the “School for Scandal” came out, Cumberland’s children prevailed
upon their father to take them to see it: they had the stage-box;
their father was seated behind them; and, as the story was told by a
gentleman, a friend of Sheridan’s, who was close by, every time the
children laughed at what was going on on the stage, he pinched them,
and said, “What are you laughing at, my dear little folks? you should
not laugh, my angels; there is nothing to laugh at;” and then, in an
under tone, “Keep still, you little dunces.” Sheridan having been told
of this long afterwards, said, “It was very ungrateful in Cumberland
to have been displeased with his poor children for laughing at _my
comedy_; for I went the other night to see _his tragedy_, and laughed
at it from beginning to end.”
WHIMSICAL PUN.
When the Marquis of Tullibardin was at Cambridge, he was made the
subject of a pun, by the young waggish Cantabs, in the following
manner: they took their opportunity and locked the young nobleman up in
his apartments, and then calling to their fellows with much clamour,
shouted, “See Cicero in prison!” The Marquis was then expostulating
through the open window, and begging to be released. “Cicero in
prison!” said the puzzled Cantabs, not comprehending the joke. “Yes,”
said the joker, “it is _Tully-barr’d-in_.”
ANECDOTE OF PARSON PATEN.
Parson Paten was so much averse to the Athanasian Creed that he would
never read it. Archbishop Secker having been informed of his recusancy,
sent the archdeacon to ask him his reason:--“I do not believe it,”
said the priest. “But your metropolitan does,” replied the archdeacon.
“It may be so,” rejoined Mr. Paten, “and he can well afford it; he
believes at the rate of seven thousand a year, and I only at that of
fifty pounds.”
SCRIPTURE AUTHORITY.
A quaker married a woman of the Church of England. After the ceremony,
the vicar asked for his fees, which he said were a crown. The quaker,
astonished at the demand, said, if he would show him any text in the
Scripture which proved his fees were a crown, he would give it unto
him: upon which the vicar directly turned to the twelfth chapter
of Proverbs, verse 4th, where it is said, “A virtuous woman is a
_crown_ to her husband.” “Thou art right,” replied the quaker, “in
thy assertion; Solomon was a wise man; here are the five twelvepenny
pieces, and something beside to buy thee a pair of gloves.”
MEANING OF THE VERB “TO DOCTOR.”
A physician being out a-shooting one whole morning without killing any
thing, his servant begged leave to go over into the next field, for he
was sure there was some birds there; “and,” adds the man, “if there
are, I’ll _doctor_ them.” “Doctor them,” says the master, “what do you
mean by that?” “Why, _kill_ them, sir.”
CHARLES II. AND DR. BUSBY.
King Charles II., on a certain time, paying a visit to Dr. Busby, the
doctor strutted through his school with his hat on his head, while his
majesty walked complacently behind him, with his own hat under his arm;
but when he was taking his leave at the door, the doctor, with great
humility, thus addressed the king: “I hope your majesty will excuse my
want of respect hitherto; but if my boys were to imagine there was a
greater man in the kingdom than myself, I should never be able to rule
them.”
MOUNTAIN ANECDOTE.
A party had once climbed a considerable way up the usual track on the
side of the Skiddaw, when a gentleman (a stranger to the rest of the
company) who had given frequent broad hints of his being a man of
superior knowledge, said to the guide, “Pray, what is the highest part
of this mountain?” “The top, sir,” replied the guide.
LONG BIT.
“Your horse has a tremendous long bit,” said a friend to Theodore Hook.
“Yes,” said he, “it is a _bit_ too long.”
SADDLEWISE.
“Shall I cut this loin of mutton saddlewise?” said a gentleman carving.
“No,” said his friend, cut it bridlewise, for then we may all chance to
get a _bit_ in our mouths.
A BLACK JOKE.
A negro passing along Fleet Street, was astonished at hearing a voice
call out, “How d’ye do, Massa Mungo; How d’ye do, Snowball?” and, on
looking up, observed it proceeded from a parrot in a splendid gilt
cage. “Aha, Massa parrot,” said Blackee, “you great man here, you live
in gold house now; but me know your fader very well, he live in bush.”
AN ILLEGAL SOLICITOR.
An attorney being much molested by a fellow importuning him to bestow
something, threatened to have him taken up as a common beggar. “A
beggar!” exclaimed the man, “I would have you know I am of the same
profession as yourself; are we not both solicitors?” “That may be,
friend; yet there is this difference--you are not a legal one, which I
am.”
NO STRANGER OF ME.
A parson who had a scolding wife, one day brought home a brother
clergyman for dinner. Having gone into a separate apartment to talk to
his spouse about the repast, she attacked and abused him for bringing
a parcel of idle fellows to eat up their income. The parson, provoked
at her behaviour, said, in a pretty loud tone, “If it were not for the
stranger, I would give you a good drubbing.” “Oh!” cried the visitor,
“I beg you will make no stranger of me.”
NIMROD AND RAMROD.
A gentleman, who thought his sons consumed too much time in hunting and
shooting, gave them the appellation of _Nimrod_ and _Ramrod_.
THROW PHYSIC TO THE DOGS.
When the celebrated Beau Nash was ill, Dr. Cheyne wrote a prescription
for him. The next day, the doctor coming to see his patient, inquired
if he had followed his prescription. “No, truly, doctor,” said Nash;
“if I had, I should have broken my neck, for I threw it out of a
two-pair of stairs window.”
LUDICROUS THREAT.
A very young officer, striking an old grenadier of his company for
some supposed fault in performing his evolutions, was unable to reach
any higher than his legs. The grenadier, upon this infantine assault,
gravely took off his cap, and holding it over the officer by the tip,
said, “Sir, if you were not my officer, I would _extinguish_ you.”
SMALL CAPITAL.
Tom Brown having once asked a man how he contrived to live in these
hard times? was answered, “Why” Master Brown, “I live, as I believe you
do, _by my wits_.” “Truly,” replied Tom, “you must be a much more able
trader than I ever thought you, to carry on business, and live upon so
_small a capital_.”
GOODNESS OF GEORGE I.
The king leaning carelessly out of a window, with the skirts of
his coat gaping behind, a stout scullion perceiving the favourable
situation, and mistaking his sacred majesty for one of the cooks,
advanced on tiptoe, and, with a well extended arm, discharged a heavy
blow on the royal buttocks. “Zounds!” cried the king, “what the devil’s
the matter now?” The poor woman, thinking herself undone, fell upon her
knees, and excused herself by protesting she had mistaken his majesty
for Bertrand. “Well,” replied the king, rubbing briskly the aching
part, “if it had been Bertrand, where was the necessity of striking so
hard?”
PRESSING REASON.
A spunger was reproached one day for dining so often among his friends.
“What would you have me to do?” answered he; “I am _pressed_ to do it.”
“True,” answered Monk Lewis, “there is nothing more _pressing_ than
hunger.”
ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER.
Buck, the player at York, was asked how he came to turn his coat twice:
he replied, smartly, that “one good _turn_ deserved another.”
EFFECTIVE SERMON.
Dean Swift once preached a charity sermon at St. Patrick’s Church,
Dublin, the length of which disgusted many of his auditors; which
coming to his knowledge, and it falling to his lot soon after to preach
another sermon of the like kind, in the same place, he took special
care to avoid falling into the former error. His text was, “He that
hath pity upon the poor, lendeth unto the Lord, and that which he hath
given, will He pay him again.” The dean, after repeating his text in a
more than commonly emphatical tone, added, “Now my beloved brethren,
you hear the terms of this loan: if you like the security, down with
your dust.” It is worthy of remark, that the quaintness and brevity of
this sermon produced a very large contribution.
PURGATORY.
The Count de Villa Medinna, being at church one day, and finding there
a Religious who begged for the souls in purgatory, he gave him a piece
of gold. “Ah! my lord,” said the good father, “you have now delivered a
soul.” The count threw upon the plate another piece: “Here is another
soul delivered,” said the Religious. “Are you positive of it?” replied
the count. “Yes, my lord,” replied the monk, “I am certain they are
now in heaven.” “Then,” said the count, “I’ll take back my money, for
it signifies nothing to you now, seeing the souls are already got to
heaven; there can be no danger of their returning again to purgatory.”
And he immediately gave the pieces to the poor that were standing by.
ANECDOTE OF SHERIDAN.
In the midst of his distresses, Sheridan had one day invited a party
of friends to dine with him, amongst whom were a few noblemen of
the Opposition party; but, upon examining his cellar, a terrible
deficiency was found. He was largely in debt to Chalier, the great
wine-merchant, and for two years had been unable to obtain from him
any further credit. He put his imagination to work and tried the
following expedient. He sent for Chalier on the day of the dinner in
question, and told him that luckily he was just in cash, and wished
to settle his account. Chalier was much pleased; but told him, as he
had not the account with him, he would return home and bring it. He
was about to leave the room, when, as if upon sudden recollection,
Sheridan said, “Oh, Chalier, by-the-by, you must stop and dine with
me to-day; I have a party to whom I will introduce you--some leading
members of both Houses.” Chalier, who was fond of good company, and
also hoped to meet with a recommendation, was obliged to Sheridan for
the offer, and promised to be with him at the hour appointed. Upon his
return home, he informed the clerk of his cellars that he was going to
dine with Mr. Sheridan, and probably should not be home till it was
late. Sheridan had fixed the hour of six to Chalier, but desired him
to come before that time, as he had much to say to him in private. At
about five o’clock, Chalier came to his appointment, and he was no
sooner in the house, than Sheridan sent off a servant, with a note
to the clerk, desiring him, as Mr. Chalier was favouring him with his
company, to send, as soon as possible, three dozen of Burgundy, two
dozen of claret, and two dozen of port, with a dozen of old hock. The
clerk, knowing his master was at Sheridan’s, and thinking that the
order came with his concurrence, immediately obeyed it. After dinner,
every body praised the fine qualities of Sheridan’s wines, and all
were desirous of knowing who was his wine-merchant. Sheridan, turning
towards Chalier, said, “I am indebted to my friend here for all you
have tasted, and am proud to recommend him.”
MATCHES.
It was told Lord Chesterfield, that Mrs. M----, a termagant and scold,
was married to a gamester; on which his lordship said, “that cards and
brimestone made the best matches.”
LITTLE MONEY.
Mr. Money, a little dapper man, was dancing at the York Assembly with a
tall lady of the name of Bond; on which Sterne said, “There was a great
bond for a little money.”
FRIENDS AT COURT.
A gentleman, begging Villiers, the witty Duke of Buckingham, to employ
his interest for him at court, added, that he had nobody to depend
on but God and his grace. “Then,” said the duke, “your condition is
desperate: you could not have named any two beings who have less
interest at court.”
CONFESSION.
Some time after a late nobleman had abjured the Roman Catholic
religion, he was sent ambassador to France, where he resided several
years. Being one day at an entertainment, a noble duke, his near
relation, rallying him on the score of religion, asked his lordship
whether the ministers of state, or the ministers of the gospel, had the
greatest share in his conversion. “Good God, my lord duke!” replied the
witty peer, “how can you ask me such a question? Do you not know that
when I quitted the Roman Catholic religion I left off confession?”
WIT OF A RESURRECTIONIST.
A large party of soldiers surprising two resurrection men in a
churchyard, the officer, seizing one of them, asked him what he had to
say for himself:--“Say, sir!” replied the surgeon’s provider, “why,
that we came here to raise a corpse, and not a regiment.”
BREAKING UP OF A NURSERY.
The organ of early destructiveness sometimes exhibits itself in a droll
way. The mother of a family was one day saying, that as soon as the
youngest child was of such an age, she should break up the nursery.
“La, mamma!” said one of the children, “that will be fine sport--I’ll
break up the chairs, and John shall break up the tables.”
BOW STREET BON-MOT.
A lady went into the Police Office, Bow Street, and inquired the price
of some fur and silk articles. Townsend quizzingly replied, “Oh, ma’am,
we’re all fair and above board--we’ve no cloaks here.” To which the
lady rejoined, “Sir, I beg pardon; I really thought that this was the
celebrated _pelisse office_.”
A YORKSHIRE EATING MATCH.
There was a famous eating match at a village in Yorkshire, between two
men, named Gubbins and Muggins, which caused a great deal of interest
in the neighbourhood; and a countryman, leaving the place before the
match was decided, was stopped by almost every one on the road with
“Who beats? how does the match get on?” &c.: to which he answered,
“Why, I doant exactly know--they say Gubbins’ll get it; but I thinks
Muggins’ll bet ’un yet, for when I leaft he was oanly two geese and a
torkey behind him!”
ALL GONE OUT.
A gentleman having appointed to meet his friend on particular
business, went to his house and knocked at the door, which was
opened by a servant girl. He informed her he wanted her master. “He
is gone out, sir,” said she. “Then your mistress will do,” said the
gentleman. “She,” said the girl, “is gone out too.” “My business is of
consequence,” returned he; “is your master’s son at home?” “No, sir,”
replied the girl, “he is gone out.” “That’s unlucky indeed,” replied
he; “but perhaps it may not be long before they return; I will step in
and sit by your fire.” “Oh, sir,” said the girl, “the fire is gone out
too.” Upon which the gentleman bade her inform her master, that he did
not expect to be received so coolly.
MUSICAL TASTE.
A gentleman being asked his opinion of the singing of a lady who
had not the purest breath, said, “That the words of the song were
delightful, but he did not much admire the _air_.”
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHIGS AND TORIES.
“Pray, Monsieur l’Ambassadeur,” said the late King of France one day at
his levee, “what do you take to be the difference between a Whig and a
Tory?” “Please your majesty,” was the reply, “I conceive the difference
to be merely nominal; the Tories are Whigs when they want places, and
the Whigs are Tories when they have got them.”
THE PRETENDER’S HEALTH.
There was not much wit, but there was some good humour in the reply
George II. made to a lady, who, at the first masquerade his majesty
was at in England, invited him to drink a glass of wine at one of
the _beaufetes_. With this he readily complied, and the lady filling
a bumper, said, “Here, mask, the Pretender’s health;” then filling
another glass, presented it to the king, who, receiving it with a
smile, replied, “I drink with all my heart to the health of all
unfortunate princes.”
NO PAY NO PRAY.
When Jonas Hanway once advertised for a coachman he had a great
number of applicants. One of them he approved of, and told him, if
his character answered, he would take him on the terms which they
had agreed upon; “But,” said he, “my good fellow, as I am rather a
particular man, it may be proper to inform you, that every evening,
after the business in the stable is done, I shall expect you to come
to my house for a quarter of an hour to attend family prayer; to this,
I suppose, you can have no objection?” “Why, as to that, sir,” replied
the fellow, “I does not see much to say against it, but I hope you’ll
consider it in my wages.”
A COBBLER’S END.
A great crowd being gathered about a poor cobbler, who had just died in
the street, a man asked Alexander Stevens “What was to be seen?” “Oh!”
replied he, “only a cobbler’s end.”
MORE THAN I CAN SWALLOW.
An illustrious person told Mr. D----, of C----, that he had drunk two
bottles of champagne and six of port. “That,” said Mr. D----, “is
more than I can _swallow_;” and if the wit was relished, it was never
forgiven.
GIVING UP THE GHOST.
A player performing the Ghost in Hamlet very badly, was hissed; after
bearing it a good while, he put the audience in good humour by stepping
forward and saying, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am extremely sorry that
my humble endeavours to please are unsuccessful; but if you are not
satisfied, I must _give up the Ghost_.”
A DEAR WIFE, INDEED.
A gentleman just married telling Foote he had that morning laid out
three thousand pounds in jewels for his _dear wife_. “She is truly your
_dear_ wife,” replied the wit.
NO VOICE IN THE CITY.
A gentleman passing the evening among some friends in the city, was
requested, in his turn, to favour the company with a song; he politely
declined it, alleging that he was so indifferent a performer, that
any attempt of his would rather disgust than entertain. One of the
company, however, asserted that he had a very good voice, and said, he
had frequently had the pleasure of hearing him sing. “That may be,”
resumed the other, “but as I am not a freeman, I have no voice in the
city.”
SUCH SPARKS AS YOU.
As Lady B---- L---- was presiding one evening at the tea-table, one of
her ruffles caught the flame of the tea-lamp, and was burned before it
could be extinguished. Lord M----, who was of the party, and thought
to be witty on the accident, remarked, “He did not think her ladyship
so apt _to take fire._” “Nor am I, my lord,” replied she with great
readiness, “from _such sparks_ as you.”
LORD TOWNSEND.