Cambridge, about the year 1770, he went round the Senate to thank
those who had voted for him. Among the number was a Mr. P., who
was proverbial for having the largest and most hideous physiognomy
that ever eye beheld. Mr. York, in thanking him, said, “Sir, I have
great reason to be thankful to my friends in general, but confess
myself under a particular obligation to you, for the very remarkable
_countenance_ you have shewn me upon this occasion.”
AMIABLE COMPASSION.
Theodore Hook being told of the marriage of a political opponent,
exclaimed, “I am very glad, indeed, to hear it.” Then suddenly added,
with a feeling of compassionate forgiveness, “And yet I don’t see why I
should, poor fellow, for he never did me much harm.”
INGENIOUS INSINUATION.
At Allithwaite, Westmoreland, Mrs. Sarah Birkett, innkeeper, and
formerly of Troutbeck, famous for brewing fine ale, had upon her
sign-post the following words:--
O mortal man, that liv’st by bread,
How comes thy nose to be so red?
Thou silly ass, that look’st so pale,
’Tis red with Sarah Birkett’s ale.
HOW TO PAY A DOCTOR’S BILL.
A singular old gentleman was waited upon with his surgeon’s bill for
the purpose of being paid. After cogitating over its contents for some
time, he desired the person in waiting for his answer, to tell his
master that the medicine he should certainly pay for, but _that he
should return the visits_.
GOOD EXCHANGE.
In a company where the conversation happened to turn upon the Mosaical
account of the creation of the first woman, a lady made the following
remark:--“The Creator appears, in this story, in the light of a
midnight robber--he steals from Adam in his sleep.” “Allow me, madam,”
said a gentleman, “to narrate an anecdote by way of argument against
your objection. Last night, some persons broke into my father’s
house; they carried away a bar of silver, and left in its place a
richly chased golden vase. Can we consider these men as thieves?”
“Thieves!” exclaimed the lady, “no; benefactors.” “Well, then,” said
the gentleman, “in what manner ought we to regard Him who took away a
worthless rib, and gave in exchange an inestimable treasure?”
REASON TO BE THANKFUL.
A very worthy, though not particularly erudite, underwriter at Lloyd’s,
was conversing one day with a friend in the coffee-house on the subject
of a ship they had mutually insured. His friend observed, “Do you know
that I shrewdly suspect our ship is in _jeopardy_?” “The devil she is,”
replied he, “well, I’m glad that she’s got _into some port at last_.”
WILKES.
At the period of Wilkes’s popularity, every wall bore his name, and
every window his portrait. In china, in bronze, or in marble, he stood
upon the chimney-pieces of half the houses of the metropolis? he swung
upon the sign-post of every village, of every great road throughout
the country. He used himself to tell, with much glee, of a monarchical
old lady, behind whom he accidently walked, looking up, and murmuring
within his hearing, in much spleen, “He swings everywhere but where he
ought!” Wilkes passed her, and, turning round, politely bowed.
INSCRIPTION FOR AN APOTHECARY.
The following was, in consequence of an evening’s frolic, inscribed by
some wags of Oxford, over an apothecary’s door:--
Hic venditur
Catharticum, Emeticum, Narcoticum,
Et omne quod exit in um,
Præter
Remedium.
WIT IN A FOOTMAN.
“How do you like your new place, Jack?” said a smart liveried footman,
to an old fellow-servant whom he met in Pall Mall, bearing one of the
lottery placards. “Pretty well,” replied the other: “if it’s not quite
so genteel as yours, it is more independent; for, don’t you see, I get
seventeen shillings per week, and _my board_,” pointing to the notice
on his shoulder.
THE COUNTER-SIGN.
When those trusty defenders of the country, the Tower Hamlets militia,
were doing duty, a fat shopkeeper having fallen asleep when sentry, was
called upon to give the watchword. “The watchword!” said another; “ask
him for the _counter-sign_.”
MAKING MONEY GO FAR.
Foote and Garrick were at the tavern together, when the former, pulling
out his purse to pay the reckoning, asked the other what he should
do with a light guinea he had? “Pshaw! it is worth nothing,” says
Garrick; “fling it to the devil!” “Well, David,” says the other, “you
are what I always took you for, ever contriving to make a guinea go
further than any other man.”
COUNSEL’S OPINION.
An eminent barrister had a case sent to him for an opinion. The case
stated was the most preposterous and improbable that had ever occurred
to the mind of man, and concluded by asking, whether, under such
circumstances, an action would lie? He took his pen, and wrote,--“Yes
if the witnesses _will lie too_; but not otherwise.”
DEAN SWIFT’S OPINION OF FAULTS.
Dean Swift had a shoulder of mutton brought up for his dinner, too much
done: he sent for the cook, and told her to take the mutton down, and
do it less. “Please your honour, I cannot do it less.” “But,” says the
Dean, “if it had not been done enough, you could have done it more,
could you not?” “Oh, yes! very easily.” “Why, then,” says the Dean,
“for the future, when you commit a fault, let it be such a one as can
be mended.”
PLAYING THE FOOL.
A lady beating a tune on a table, as destitute of harmony as time,
asked another, if she knew what she played? “I do,” answered she; “you
play the _fool_.”
EASIER TO MAKE THAN MEND.
Pope, one night crossing the street from Button’s coffee-house, when
the moon occasionally peeped through a cloud, was accosted by a
link-boy, with “Light, your honour; Light, your honour!” He repeatedly
exclaimed, “I don’t want you.” But the lad still following him, he
peevishly cried out, “Get about your business, God mend me! I will not
give you a farthing; it’s light enough.” “It’s light enough!” echoed
the lad; “what’s light enough? your _head_ or your _pocket_? God _mend_
you, indeed! it would be easier for God Almighty to _make_ two men,
than _mend_ one such as you.”
WILLIAM DUKE OF CUMBERLAND.
Foote rattling away one evening in his green-room with great wit and
brilliancy, as usual, the Duke of Cumberland, who was present, and
seemed highly entertained, cried out, “Well, Foote, you see I swallow
all your good things.” “Do you, my Lord Duke,” says the other; “why,
then, I congratulate you on your digestion; for, by G--d, I believe you
never _threw up_ one of them in your life.”
SHERIDAN.
When Sheridan’s life was to be insured, Mr. Aaron Graham, the
magistrate, was applied to, in order to know whether Mr. Sheridan was,
at that period, living a more regular life than usual. “I believe he
is,” said the justice; “but understand me; I think he is more regularly
tipsy, every night _now_, than he has been for several years past.”
A TRAFALGAR ANECDOTE.
The Belleisle, Captain Haywood, when dismasted, was attacked by five
ships at once. Captain H. finding himself thus assailed, looked over
the gangway, and, shaking his head at his enemies, involuntarily
ejaculated, “I’ll not strike for any of you--no, that I won’t.” A
dauntless old quarter-master, who was the captain of the foremast
gun on the quarterdeck, hearing what his captain said, immediately
remarked, “Who the devil asked you?”
MACPHERSON.
When Macpherson’s Homer came out (a book universally decried for a
bombastical, affected style), a lady remarked one evening, in a large
company, to Dr. Johnson, that she had been endeavouring to read it,
but the style appeared so _old_, she could not go through it with any
satisfaction. “You are perfectly right, madam,” says Johnson; “it is as
_old_ as the _building of Babel_.”
WRITING DOWN A CHARACTER.
Much about the time of the universal damnation of the above book, the
Lord Advocate of Scotland, being in company with a number of _beaux
esprits_, after haranguing with great vehemence and nationality on the
general talents of Mr. Macpherson, he asserted there was not a man in
England had ever the knack of _writing down a character_ more than he
had. “I believe it most sincerely,” says a gentleman present; “and I
think he has given a very recent proof of it, by _writing down_ one of
the _first characters of all antiquity_.”
APT QUOTATION.
Dr. Paris, author of the well-known work on Diet, observing many of
the miners in Cornwall to be deprived of legs and arms, and otherwise
maimed, inquired the cause, and was shocked to learn that these men had
been exposed for ages to the greatest dangers, from their using a metal
in their excavations, which sometimes struck fire, and exploded the
blasts prematurely. He immediately suggested a metal which was equally
fitted for their trade, and was not liable to this dreadful objection.
The poor men, truly grateful for his kindness, afterwards presented him
with a piece of plate; on which was the following singularly apt and
happy quotation from Virgil:--
“--------- Manet altâ mente repostum
Judicium Paridis, spretæque injuria formæ.”
A DYING WIT.
An English judge, when about to administer the oath to a dyer,
observing his hand to be dark, called out, “Take off your glove.” The
dyer, whose hand only bore the usual stain of his profession, promptly
rejoined, “Put on your spectacles.”
DRAWINGS OF CORK.
Jack Bannister, praising the hospitality of the Irish, after his return
from one of his trips to the sister kingdom, was asked if he had been
in Cork. “No,” replied the wit, “but I saw a great many _drawings_ of
it.”
RELIGION OF SEA CHAPLAINS.
When the Earl of Clancarty was captain of a man-of-war, and was
cruising off the coast of Guinea, he happened to lose his chaplain,
who was carried off by a fever; on which the lieutenant, who was a
Scotchman, gave him notice of it, saying at the same time, “that he was
sorry to inform him he had died a Roman Catholic.” “Well, so much the
better,” said his lordship. “Hout awa, my lord; how can you say so of a
British clergyman?” “Why,” said his lordship, “because I believe I am
the first captain of a man-of-war that could boast of having a chaplain
_who had any religion at all_.”
A SCOTCH MOON.
An English lady was on a visit to a friend in Edinburgh, who was at
great pains to point out to her all the delightful prospects of that
romantic city. The stranger, assuming an air of consequence, generally
answered, “’Tis very well for a _Scotch view_!” One delightful evening,
walking along Queen Street, while the autumnal moon shone with uncommon
lustre, her friend could not help expressing her admiration of the
resplendent orb of night, when the Cockey remarked, “’Tis pretty well
for a _Scotch moon_!”
NEW MEANING OF THE WORD REMONSTRATE.
A worthy farmer in the north of England was once waited upon by a
tax-gatherer, who claimed taxes which had been already paid. The
receipt had been mislaid, and the farmer could not on the instant
produce it. The man of taxes became very abusive; and the farmer, in
his own phrase, _remonstrated_ with him. “Well, and to what effect did
you remonstrate with him?” asked a friend, who heard the story from
the farmer’s own mouth. “I don’t know,” was the reply; “but I know the
poker was bent, and I had to get a hammer to straighten it again.”
A BRIDLE FOR THE TONGUE.
A young nobleman, full of the follies of youth and the vanities of
his rank, was rattling away at a great rate one morning at the Smyrna
coffee-house. He, in particular, took great pains to let the company
know of what consequence he was abroad, by the number of valuable
presents made him at the several courts of Europe: “For instance, now,”
says he, “I have got a _bridle_ given me by the King of France, so
exceeding rich and elegant, that upon my soul, I do not know what use
to make of it.” “A _bridle_! my lord,” says an old gentleman, who sat
in the corner. “Yes, sir,” says his lordship. “Why, then, I think the
best use you can make of that is, _to put it about your tongue_.”
LORD HOLLAND AND THE CHAIRMEN.
The late Lord Holland (who was, perhaps, the fattest man of his height
in England), and his brother Charles, coming out of the Thatched-house
one night together, a chair was called for the former, who, altering
his mind, agreed to go home in his brother’s carriage, which was in
waiting: the chairmen, however, being disappointed, he gave them a
shilling. “Long life to your lordship,” says Paddy; “sixpence more to
the poor chairmen.” “What!” says he, “have I not given you your full
fare?” “O, yes, your lordship; but _consider the fright_.”
GARRICK AN ACTOR ON AND OFF THE STAGE.
Foote being at supper one night at the Bedford coffee-house, just after
Garrick had performed Macbeth, the conversation very naturally turned
on the merits of that great performer, when, after many eulogiums on
the universality of his powers, it was admitted, on all hands, that he
was the first actor _on_ any _stage_. “By G--d, gentlemen,” says Foote,
“I don’t think you have above half said enough of him; for I think him
not only the greatest actor _on_, but _off_ the stage.”[D]
DR. JOHNSON ON A SCOTCH PROSPECT.
When Dr. Johnson was in Scotland, amongst other curiosities shewn him,
he was taken to a very ancient and high castle, which was reckoned to
command the most extensive views of any in the country. “Well, sir,”
says his guide, “what do you think of this prospect?” “It is the finest
in all Scotland,” says the doctor; “for I can here see _the road to
England_.”
DR. JOHNSON ON THE RECONCILIATION OF WOMEN.
Dr. Johnson sitting one night with a number of ladies and gentlemen of
his acquaintance, the ladies, by way of heightening the good humour of
the company, agreed to toast ordinary women. In this round, one of the
ladies gave an old housekeeper of Dr. Johnson’s, blind of an eye, and
another matched her with Dr. Goldsmith. This whimsical union so pleased
the former lady, that though she had some pique with the latter in the
beginning of the night, she ran round the table, kissed her, and said
she forgave her every thing that happened for the _’propos_ of her last
toast. “Ay,” says Johnson, “this puts me in mind of an observation of
Swift’s, that the quarrels of women are made up like those of ancient
kings,--_there is always an animal sacrificed on the occasion_.”
REHEARSING A FUNERAL.
Lord Chesterfield, a little before his death, was so infirm, that,
whenever he went out in his coach, the horses were generally led step
by step. In this situation he was one morning met by an acquaintance,
who congratulated his lordship on being able to take the air. “I thank
you kindly, sir,” says his lordship; “but I do not come out so much for
the air, as for the benefit of _rehearsing my funeral_.”
BEST SORT OF LANGUAGE FOR THE PULPIT.
The vicar in a certain village in England, returning one Sunday from
church, was thus accosted by an opulent farmer: “Well, doctor,” said
he, “you be gwain on pretty well now; but why dount ye gi’ us now and
than a scrap of Latin?” “Why,” said the vicar, “if I had thought it had
been your wish, I should have had no objection, but for one thing--I am
afraid you would not understand it.” “That,” said the other, “is nout
to you; as we do pay vor the best, we oft to ha’ the best.”
HOGARTH’S NO-DEDICATION.
Hogarth wrote a History of the Arts, which he intended to publish as
a supplement to the _Analysis of Beauty_, and even went so far as to
write the dedication for it, which was as follows:--
“The no-dedication; not dedicated to any prince in Christendom, for
fear it might be thought an idle piece of arrogance; not dedicated to
any man of quality, for fear it might be thought too assuming; not
dedicated to any learned body of men, as either of the Universities,
or the Royal Society, for fear it might be thought an uncommon piece
of vanity; nor dedicated to any one particular friend, for fear of
offending another; therefore, dedicated to nobody: but if, for once, we
may suppose nobody to be every body, as every body is often said to be
nobody, then is this work dedicated to every body, by their most humble
and devoted WILLIAM HOGARTH.”
A COMPLIMENT TO EXTRAORDINARY TALENT.
Notwithstanding the perpetual contention between Rich and Garrick for
the favour of the town, they lived upon very friendly terms. Rich had
improved his house at Covent Garden, and made it capable of holding
more. Garrick went with him to see it, and asked him, in the theatrical
phrase, how much money it would hold. “Sir,” says Rich, “that question
I am at present unable to answer; but were you to appear but one night
on my stage, I should be able to tell you to the utmost shilling.”
FRIENDS.
Some English officers, drinking in their tent, asked the chaplain for
a toast. “The King of France.” “What! our foe?” said the colonel. “You
live by him,” said the chaplain. The colonel, in his turn, gave “The
Devil.” “Do you mean to affront me?” exclaimed the chaplain. “You live
by him,” said the colonel, very coolly; “do you not, my good doctor?”
POVERTY A VIRTUE.
Dr. R---- maintained that poverty was a virtue. “That,” replied Mr.
Canning, “is literally making a virtue of necessity.”
ANECDOTE OF JOE MILLER.
Joe Miller going one day along the Strand, an impudent Derby Captain
came swaggering up to him, and thrust between him and the wall. “I
don’t use to give the wall,” said he, “to every jackanapes.” “But I
do,” said Joe, and so made way for him.
FOUL WIND.
A gentleman having a remarkably bad breath, was met by Lord Thurlow in
Pall Mall, who, seeing him booted and spurred, asked him where he had
been? “I have been taking the air this morning,” says he, “which was
rather disagreeable too, as I had a d--d north wind full in my face all
the time.” “Come, come,” says his lordship; “don’t you complain: the
north wind had the worst of it.”
LORD NORBURY.
Lord Norbury, happening to drive out in the neighbourhood of Kingstown,
was accosted by a poor person in want of employment. His lordship asked
him many questions, and, amongst others, his name, and what business
he followed. He said, “his name was Pew, and he was a labourer.” “Why,
Pew,” replied his lordship, “you should have had a permanent situation
in the church.”
LENIENT JUDGMENT.
There was once a man of a peculiarly gentle temper--a man of mere
milk--a perfect Nathaniel, whom nobody could ever provoke to say so
much as an ill word of any body. The most atrocious villains who came
to the gallows were pitied by this man. He found an excuse for every
folly--a pardon for every crime. Somebody, at last, by way of trying
his temper, related to him the whole story of Nero--how he killed his
mother, set fire to Rome, and would have slain his whole people by one
blow if he could. “What--what do you think of that man?” inquired the
narrator at last, expecting to hear him pronounced upon as a monster
in human shape. “Why,” said the man of sillibub, “I think he must have
been a _wag_!”
TECHNICAL REMARK.
A printer observing two bailiffs pursuing an ingenious but distressed
author, remarked, “that it was a new edition of ‘The Pursuits of
Literature,’ _unbound_, but _hot-pressed_.”
SHERIDAN AND THE GREAT SEAL.
At a canvas, in which Sheridan was engaged at Westminster, soon after
the Great Seal of England was so strangely abstracted, the mob saluted
him with loud cries of,--“Who stole the Seal? Sherry stole the Seal,”
&c.; and one fellow at last exclaimed, “I suppose if there had been a
watch at it, he would have stolen it too.” “No,” said Sheridan; “if
there had been a _watch_ at it, it probably would not have been stolen
at all.”
WELL-SUSTAINED CONVERSATION.
A country gentleman of great taciturnity, and whose servant quite
understood all his ways, was one day crossing a bridge, when he took it
into his head to look back and ask his attendant if he liked eggs. John
answered, “Yes,” and no more passed at that time. Exactly on that day
twelvemonth, he happened to cross the same bridge, about the same hour
of the day. “How?” cried he to the servant, who rode behind him. John,
not _behind_ in one respect, instantly replied, “Poached, sir.” The
conversation then dropped.
SHERIDAN AND DIGNUM.
On the 5th of December, 1803, Mr. Reynolds, the prolific dramatist,
produced a musical afterpiece at Drury-Lane, entitled, “The Caravan;
or, the Driver and his Dog.” There was some pretty music in it,
composed by Reed, and it had a very great run, and brought much money
to the treasury. The chief attraction of the piece was a dog called
Carlo. “One day, Mr. Sheridan having dined with me,” says Kelly in
his Memoirs, “we went to see the performance of this wonderful dog;
as we entered the green-room, Dignum (who played in the piece) said,
‘Sir, there is no guarding against illness; it is truly lamentable to
stop the run of a successful piece like this--’ ‘Really! what?’ cried
Sheridan, interrupting him. ‘I am so unwell!’ continued Dignum, ‘that I
cannot go on longer than to-night.’ ‘You!’ exclaimed Sheridan, ‘my good
fellow, you terrified me; I thought you were going to say that the dog
was taken ill.’”
SODORIFIC AND SOPORIFIC.
A medical practitioner, who occasionally jests with his patients, being
visited by one who was hypochondriac, and fancied himself ill of a
fever, he gave the following prescription:--“_Recipe--A washerwoman_.”
On being asked the reason for this curious order, he replied, “He
knew nothing better for the cure of such fevers than medicine at once
_sud-orific_ and _soap-orific_.”
LAUGHABLE MISPRINT.
In the newspaper account of an inquest held on the body of a glutton,
who died by devouring part of a goose, the verdict _suffocation_ was
misprinted _stuffocation_.
SHERIDAN AND LORD THURLOW.
Sheridan was dining with the black-browed Chancellor, when he produced
some admirable Constantia, which had been sent him from the Cape of
Good Hope. The wine tickled the palate of Sheridan, who saw the bottle
emptied with uncommon regret, and set his wits to work to get another.
The old chancellor was not to be so easily induced to produce his
curious Cape in such profusion, and foiled all Sheridan’s attempts to
get another glass. Sheridan being piqued, and seeing the inutility
of persecuting the immoveable pillar of the law, turned towards a
gentleman sitting farther down, and said, “Sir, pass me up that
decanter, for I must return to Madeira since I cannot double the Cape.”
RIVAL SHOEMAKERS.
Two rival shoemakers, who lived directly opposite to each other, in one
of the streets near the west end of London, and whose opposition was
not in situation alone, but in every matter connected with business,
carried on for a long time a war of advertisements and placards, till
at last, one of them, to signify the purity of his style of doing
business, got his doorway adorned with the classic sentence, “Mens
conscia recti.” This the other conceived to be an advertisement of
something in the line of business; and, as he was a lady’s shoemaker
also, he got his door ornamented with the following improved reading of
the apothegm,--“Men’s and Women’s conscia recti.”
EDINBURGH CASTLE.
As a person was shewing Dr. Johnson the castle of Edinburgh, he
mentioned to him a tradition that some part of it had been standing
300 years before Christ. “Much faith,” replied the doctor in his usual
manner, “is due to tradition; and that part of the fortress which was
standing at so early a period, must undoubtly have been _the rock_ upon
which it was founded!”
TALL TOPHAM.
A Mr. Topham, who was many inches above the usual stature of men,
used to tell an amusing story of himself. Going once to inquire for
a person, he looked in at the window over the door, and asked an old
woman who sat by the fire if her husband was at home. “No, sir,” said
she; “but if you will please to _alight_ and come in, I will go and
call him.”
LENT NOT GIVEN.
A gentleman happening to have high words with a butcher in St.
James’s market, was at last so provoked, that he raised his cane,
and threatened to give him a good dressing. “No Master,” said his
antagonist, “it shall only be lent, and I will take care it shall be
repaid with interest.”
NOVEL PHRASE IN A PETITION.
There was little piety in the army in the reign of the second George.
It is told of an officer, who was desirous of presenting a petition to
that monarch, and who requested a friend’s assistance in drawing it up,
that, finding it concluded as usual, “And your petitioner shall ever
pray,” he exclaimed, “_Pray!_ I never prayed in my life, and shall not
begin now: why should I tell a lie to his majesty?” So he substituted,
“And your petitioner shall ever _fight_.” The king laughed heartily at
this eccentricity, and granted the officer his request.
TAKING A PLACE.