the weather being very cold, and there being but bad fires, occasioned
by the scarcity of wood in the house, Foote was determined to make his
visit as short as possible. Accordingly, on the third day after he went
there, he ordered his chaise, and was preparing to set out for town.
Mr. B----n, seeing him with his boots on in the morning, asked him what
hurry he was in, and pressed him to stay. “No, no,” says Foote, “you
would not let me have a leg to stand on.” “Why, sure,” says Mr. B----n,
“we do not drink so much.” “No,” says the wit, “but there is so little
wood in your house, that, by God, I am afraid one of your servants may
light the fires some morning with my right leg.”
QUIN.
Quin one day complaining of his old age and infirmities, in the public
rooms at Bath, a pert young coxcomb asked “What would he give to be
as young as he was?” “I do not know,” says Quin, measuring him very
contemptuously, “but I should be almost content to be as foolish.”
COUNSELLOR C----.
Counsellor C---- being chosen a friendly arbitrator between two
near relations, one of whom had a very deservedly bad character, it
happened, in the warmth of stating their grievances, the one gave the
other the lie. “Lie, sir!” says the man with the bad character; “know
that is amongst the actions of my life I _dare_ not do.” “My dear
friend,” says the counsellor, “do not be in a passion: upon my soul,
you have too mean an opinion of your own courage.”
VERY LITTLE OF ITS AGE.
Foote being at a nobleman’s house, his lordship, as soon as dinner was
over, ordered a bottle of Cape to be set on the table, which, after
magnifying its good qualities, and in particular, its _age_, he sent
round the table in glasses that scarcely held a thimble-full. “Fine
wine, upon my soul,” says the wit, tasting, and smacking his lips. “Is
it not very curious?” says his lordship. “Perfectly so, indeed,” says
the other; “I do not remember to have seen anything so little of its
age in my life before.”
AT WHAT GAME?
Foote, meeting at Bath, his old acquaintance, Major B---- (a character
well known in the annals of gaming), came up to him, and asked him,
with great cordiality, how he was? “Ah, Foote,” says the other, “I have
had a terrible accident since I saw you last; no less than the _loss_
of an eye.” “My dear fellow,” says the wit, “I am heartily sorry for
it: pray, at what game?”
DIRTY HANDS.
A well beneficed old parson being at a public dinner, he entertained
them with nothing else but the situation and profits of his parochial
livings, which last, he said, he kept entirely to himself. The company
in general despised him too much to make any remarks on his egotisms;
but Quin being of the party, and observing the parson, as he stretched
across the table, to shew a pair of very dirty yellow hands, he
immediately called out,--“So, so, doctor, I think you do keep your
glebe in your own hands.”
MESS-ROOM GOSSIP.
The late Duke of York once remarked to Colonel W. at the mess of the
11th regiment, that the colonel was uncommonly bald, and, although a
younger man than his royal highness, he stood in more need of a wig.
The colonel, who had been of very long standing in the service, and
whose promotion had been by no means rapid, informed his royal highness
that his baldness could be very easily accounted for. “In what manner?”
asked his royal highness, rather eagerly. To which Colonel W. replied,
“By junior officers stepping over my head.” The duke was so pleased
with the reply, that the gallant colonel obtained promotion in a few
days afterwards.
BEAU BRUMMELL.
When Brummell was the great oracle on coats, the Duke of Leinster
was very anxious to bespeak the approbation of the “Emperor of the
Dandies,” for a “cut” which he had just patronised. The duke, in the
course of his eulogy on his Schneider, had frequently occasion to use
the words “my coat.” “Your coat, my dear fellow!” said Brummell, “what
coat?” “Why, this coat,” said Leinster; “this coat that I have on.”
Brummell, after regarding the vestment with an air of infinite scorn,
walked up to the duke, and, taking the collar between his finger and
thumb, as if fearful of contamination, said, “What! duke, do you call
that thing a coat?”
COUNSELLOR C----.
Counsellor C---- being very infirm and goutified from his excesses,
meeting one day with an old friend of his, a permit officer of the
custom-house, the latter asked how he did? “Ah?” says the counsellor,
“you will not have me long amongst you.” “Come, come,” says the other,
“do not be cast down; you shall not have a permit to die yet a while.”
“Shall not I, indeed?” says the counsellor; “why, then, I would have
you keep a sharp look-out for death; for, if you don’t, I am afraid he
will smuggle me.”
PURITANISM AT BOWLS.
The Puritans carried their peculiar tenets into the minutest affairs
of life. When Lord Brook, one of the number played at bowls, he would
sometimes run after his cast, and cry, “Rub, rub, rub,” in the eager,
but absurd hope that such a cry would give effect to his play. On such
occasions, his chaplain would run after him with equal eagerness, and
earnestly exclaim, “Oh, good my lord, you must leave that to God.”
FIAT LUX.
A bishop of Lincoln adopted the strange conceit of having the grand
Scripture sentence, “FIAT LUX,” painted on all the windows of his
house. In his hall, in particular, it was so thickly painted, that
the reverse of the command was observable, and, as a wag remarked,
you could scarcely see for light. A mad scholar, at last, happened to
wait upon the bishop, and, observing the opacity of the light, fell
a-breaking the windows with his stick. Being carried by the servants
into the presence of the bishop, and questioned as to the cause of
his conduct, “Why, my lord,” answered he, “I was only obeying your
lordship’s commands: _Fiat Lux_.”
WIT IN CHOOSING TEXTS.
A young preacher, in the time of James I., being appointed to hold
forth before the vice-chancellor and heads of the colleges of Oxford,
chose for his text, “What! cannot you watch one hour?” which carried a
personal allusion, as the vice-chancellor happened to be one of those
heavy-headed persons who cannot attend church without falling asleep.
The preacher repeating his text in an emphatic manner, at the end of
every division of his discourse, the unfortunate vice-chancellor as
often awoke; and this happened so often, that, at last, all present
could very well see the joke. The vice-chancellor was so nettled at
the disturbance he had met with, and the talk it occasioned, that he
complained to the Archbishop of Canterbury, who immediately sent for
the young man, to reprove him for what he had done. In the course of
the conference which ensued between the archbishop and the preacher,
the latter gave so many proofs of his wit and good sense, that his
grace procured him the honour of preaching before the king. Here also
he had his joke: he gave out his text in these words,--“James First
and Sixth, _Waver not_;” which, of course, everybody present saw to be
a stroke at the indecisive character of the monarch. James, equally
quick-sighted, exclaimed, “He is at me already;” but he was upon the
whole so well pleased with this clerical wag, as to make him one of his
chaplains in ordinary. He afterwards went to Oxford, and preached a
farewell sermon on the text, “Sleep on now, and take your rest.”
BALLOTING.
It sometimes happens that a candidate for admission into a society,
or club, finds every individual member to whom he speaks during the
canvass agreeable to his wishes; but when the day of ballot arrives,
discovers that there is a majority of black balls. We would recommend
to the attention of all such unhappy individuals, the practical joke
which a curate once played off under similar circumstances. Being a
candidate for some vacant benefice, which was at the disposal of the
clergy of the district, he sounded them all beforehand as to their
disposition to serve him, and found each more disposed to favour and
support him than another. When they met, however, to deliberate on the
subject in full synod, he found himself by no means so well treated.
Afraid that he should lose his election, he invited the whole to a
feast. They, knowing that he should be unable to provide for them from
his own resources, sent, as was customary, each a certain portion of
the materials of the entertainment--one fish, another flesh, a third
wine, a fourth oil, and so forth. The whole he boiled together in one
kettle. Of course, when the guests were all arranged, and the food
brought in, it was found to be the most unpalatable stuff in the world.
They asked what sort of food this was, and he answered with oblique
veracity, that it was what they had sent to him. “Ah,” said they, “but
what, if cooked each thing by itself, and presented in a separate dish,
would have been very good, it is quite disgusting in this hotch-potch
style.” “Just so are ye to me,” replied the host; “you are very fair
and kind to me when single, and one by one; but when you are gathered
together, you are the most disagreeable people in the whole world.”
CLASSICAL PUN.
As William Spencer was contemplating the caricatures at Fores’s,
somebody pointed out to him the marine piece, entitled “_The Ostend
packet in a Squall_,” when the wit, without at all sympathizing in
the nausea visible on some of the faces represented in the print,
exclaimed, “Quodcunque Ostendis _mihi_ sic incredulus odi.”
LUDICROUS MISTAKE.
When Mrs. Mary Robinson published her Sappho and Phaon, she wrote to
Mr. Boaden, then editor of a newspaper, in the following terms:--“Mrs.
Robertson would thank her friend Boaden for a dozen puffs for Sappho
and Phaon.” By mistake of the twopenny post, this note was delivered to
Mr. Bowden, the pastry-cook, in the Strand, who sent this answer:--“Mr.
Bowden’s respectful compliments to Mrs. Robertson; shall be very happy
to serve her; but, as Mrs. R. is not a constant customer, he cannot
send the puffs for the young folks without first receiving the money.”
PUNNING FLATTERY.
One day, when Sir Isaac Heard was in company with George III., it was
announced that his majesty’s horse was ready for hunting. “Sir Isaac,”
said the king, “are you a judge of horses?” “In my younger days, please
your majesty, I was a great deal among them,” was the reply. “What do
you think of this, then?” said the king, who was by this time preparing
to mount his favourite; and without waiting for an answer, added, “we
call him _Perfection_.” “A most appropriate name,” replied the courtly
herald, bowing as his majesty reached the saddle; “for he bears the
best of characters.”
IF YOU CAN, I CANNOT.
An American gentleman, who was so passionately fond of backgammon,
that, even to be a spectator of it much interested him, happened to
be surveying a game in which one of the players shewed an evident
inferiority to the other. As the game proceeded, he was wrought up to
a pitch of perfect fury at the bad play of this individual, who on the
other hand, maintained, under all his reverses, a coolness perfectly
admirable. “Can you bear that?” cried the American at every hit made by
the good player. “Why not?” said the other, with perfect indifference.
At last, on the good player gaining an advantage of a particularly
brilliant nature, “Can you really bear that?” exclaimed the American.
“Why not?” drawled out the loser, with his usual philosophic coolness.
“Well,” cried the American, “if you can I cannot;” and seizing the
board, he threw the whole, dice, men, and everything, into the fire.
A COMPLICATION OF DISORDERS.
“What did Mr. ---- die of?” asked a simple neighbour. “Of a
complication of disorders,” replied his friend. “How do you describe
this complication, my good sir?” “He died,” answered the other, “of two
physicians, an apothecary, and a surgeon!”
GOOD EXCHANGE.
Garrick having remarked at the Beef-Steak Club, that he had so large
a mass of manuscript plays submitted to his perusal, that they were
constantly liable to be mislaid, he observed, that, unpleasant as it
was to reject an author’s piece, it was an affront to the poor devil’s
feelings if it could not instantly be found; and that, for this reason,
he made a point of ticketing and labelling the play that was to be
returned, that it might be forthcoming at a moment’s notice. “A fig
for your hypocrisy!” exclaimed Murphy, across the table: “you know
Davy, you mislaid my tragedy two months ago, and I make no doubt you
have lost it.” “Yes,” replied Garrick; “but you forget, you ungrateful
dog, that I offered you more than its value; for you might have had two
manuscript farces in its stead.”
STAKE VERSUS STEAK.
On one occasion, Garrick dined in the beef-steak room at Covent Garden,
ready dressed in character for the part of Ranger, which he was to
perform the same night at the other theatre. Ranger appears in the
opening of the comedy; and as the curtain was not drawn up at the
usual time, the audience began to manifest considerable impatience,
for Garrick had not yet arrived. A call-boy was instantly despatched
for him, but he was unfortunately retarded by a line of carriages that
blocked up the whole of Russel Street, which it was necessary for him
to cross. This protracted still further the commencement of the piece;
and the house evinced considerable dissatisfaction, with cries of
“Manager, manager!” When Garrick at length reached the green-room, he
found Dr. Ford, one of the patentees, pacing backwards and forwards in
great agitation. The moment the doctor saw him, he addressed him in a
strong tone of rebuke. “I think, David, considering the stake you and
I have in this theatre, you might pay more attention to its business.”
“True, my good friend,” returned Garrick, “I should have been in good
time; but I was thinking of my _steak_ in the other.” The appearance of
their favourite soon pacified the audience, and Garrick went through
the character with more vivacity than ever.
HYPERCRITICISM.
When Colman read his admirable opera of _Inkle and Yarico_ to the late
Dr. Moseley, the doctor made no remark during the progress of the
piece; but, when it was concluded, being asked what he thought of it,
“It won’t do,” said the doctor; “stuff, nonsense!” Every body else
having been delighted with it, this decided disapprobation puzzled the
circle: he was asked why? “I’ll tell you why,” answered the critic;
“you say in the finale,
‘Now, let us dance and sing,
While all Barbadoes’ bells shall ring.’
It won’t do: there is but one bell in the whole island.”
APPROPRIATE ILLUSTRATIONS.
Some one was asked what works he had in the press? “Why, the History
of the Bank, with _notes_; the Art of Cookery, with _plates_; and the
Science of Single-Stick, with _wood-cuts_.”
DISTINCTION BETWEEN A LORD AND A GENTLEMAN.
In the reign of King James the First, it is said, that titles were not
always well placed; which made an extravagant young fellow very smart
upon a courtier, whom he desired to move the King to make him a lord.
“What pretensions, either of blood or merit,” replies the courtier,
“have you to recommend you to that dignity?” The young man confessed
modestly, that “he hoped he stood possessed of all the qualities
requisite for a fashionable nobleman; that he loved dogs, dice, and
drabs; scorned wit in poor clothes; and had beat his shoemaker, and
ruined his tailor.” The matter came to the king’s ear; but the young
candidate’s preferment was opposed by a person in waiting, who, it
seems, had had no feeling in the affair. The king demanded what reasons
there were against the man’s being made a lord; the courtier insisted,
that “he was a mean obscure person, and not so much as a gentleman.”
“Oh! it is no matter for that,” replies the monarch, merrily, “I can
make a lord, though I cannot make a gentleman.”
SIGNS.
A noted wag remarked the absurdity of a tradesman putting his name
plump in the middle of the words expressing his trade,--a practice very
common in London. “For example,” said he, “how ridiculous it is to see
_General_ HENDERSON _Fish-merchant_, in Holborn; or _Dealer in_ MASH
_Potatoes_, in the Commercial Road.” “Dear me,” exclaimed a young lady
present, “I am very fond of mash-potatoes; I should like to _deal_
with that man.” “If you are so fond of them,” replied her informant,
“probably you would like better to _board_ with him.”
A LAWYER CANNOT BE TOO BAREFACED.
A barrister observed to a learned brother in court, that he thought his
whiskers were very unprofessional. “You are right,” replied his friend;
“a lawyer cannot be too barefaced.”
SHARP ENOUGH ALREADY.
A solicitor, who was remarkable for the length and sharpness of his
nose, once told a lady, that if she did not immediately settle a matter
in dispute, he would file a bill against her. “Indeed, sir,” said the
lady, “there is no necessity for you to _file_ your _bill_, for I am
sure it is sharp enough already.”
NEW CONSTRUCTION OF “EQUAM MEMENTO.”
A gentleman told Lord North, that, from a variety of losses, he had
found himself compelled to reduce his establishment. “And what,” said
his lordship, “have you done with the fine mare you used to ride?” “I
have sold her.” “Then you have not attended to Horace’s maxim,--
_Equam_ memento rebus in arduis servare.”
VENETIAN BLINDS.
Three Venetians, whom Lord Byron brought with him into this country,
were so dreadfully attacked by ophthalmia, as almost entirely to lose
their eye-sight. “What can we do with these poor fellows?” said his
lordship, when he heard of their misfortune. “Why,” said Dr. L., “at
the worst, we can set each of them up as a _Venetian Blind_.”
TOO MANY DAMS.
A boat ascending the Ohio river was hailed by another boat, when the
following dialogue ensued:-- “What boat is that?” “The Cherry_stone_.”
“Whence came you?” “From Red_stone_.” “Where are you bound to?”
“Lime_stone_.” “Who is your captain?” “Thomas _Stone_.” “What are you
loaded with?” “Mill_stones_ and grind_stones_.” “You are a _hard_ set
to be sure; take care you don’t go to the bottom. Farewell.”
The above reminds us of another, and, perhaps, more original joke,
of which we supply a new edition:--Two ships meeting, the following
dialogue ensued:--“What ship is that?” “The _Dam_.” ”Whence came
you?“ ”From Amster_dam_.” “Where are you bound to?” “To Rotter_dam_.”
“What is your captain’s name?” “Pots_dam_.” “What is your cargo?”
“_Dam_sons and _Dam_ask.” “How goes it with you?” “In the last gale
much _dam_age.” “What news?” “The _dams_ of Holland overflowed.” “You
are,” concluded the interrogating tar, “a _d---d set_; so _d----n_ your
eyes, sheer off!”
RIGHT DIVINE.
Among the few highly favoured individuals who were included in the
select evening parties of George the Fourth, while at the Pavilion,
Brighton, was the facetious Rev. J. Wright. On one occasion, the king
hinted to his brother, the Duke of York, some intention he had of doing
a particular act, to which the duke dissented: his majesty referred to
the D.D.; on which the reverend jocularly observed, “The King can do no
wrong.” “Then,” said his majesty, “Fred, I shall pursue my object; for
you hear I have _Wright Divine_ on my side.”
AN OLD BEARD.
Eric Rosenkrantz, who visited England in the reign of Charles I., from
a motive of curiosity, was, in 1652, sent hither on an extraordinary
embassy from the court of Denmark. Cromwell, who considered Rosenkrantz
as a young minister without experience, asked him, whether there were
many such forward geniuses among the Danes, who were qualified to
manage the arduous affairs of state before their beards were grown.
Rosenkrantz, who had occasion for all his temper and discretion not to
say too much or too little upon the attack, replied, with an admirable
firmness, “Sir, my beard, though it be young, is, however, older than
your republic.” The protector, from this smart reply, conceived a
different opinion of him, and treated him with much higher regard.
LORD LOUGHBOROUGH.
Lord Loughborough rallying a physician one day, on the inefficacy of
his prescriptions, the doctor said, he defied any of his patients to
find fault with him. “That,” answered the witty lord, “is exactly what
Jack Ketch says.”
NATIONAL PARADOXES.
Somebody once remarked that the Englishman is never happy but when he
is miserable; the Scotchman is never at home but when he is abroad; and
the Irishman is never at peace but when he is fighting.
A HARD RUN.
A droll equivoque, and not unseasonable, took place between Sir ----
and Mr. M----, at the time of the great cash distresses in 1826.
The baronet overtook the latter on returning from a fox chase; and,
supposing the banker had been one of the field, and wishing to say
something civil as he passed, observed, “A hard run to-day, Mr. M.”
“Oh, no, sir, I assure you!” replied the conscious man of money, not of
straw; “no such thing, sir; not in the least _hard pressed_ to-day; no
run at all!” “Why we run him in!” rejoined the baronet, with evident
surprise; “would you have all knocked up?” “Oh! you are talking of the
fox, perhaps,” said the banker, “and I was thinking of my bank. I have
not been hunting, but _hunted_ all the week by a _pack of fools_.”
THE KING IN A SQUABBLE.
A recruiting sergeant, addressing an honest country bumpkin in one of
the streets of Manchester, with--“Come, my lad, thou’lt fight for thy
king, won’t thou?” “Voight for my king,” answered Hodge, “why, has he
_fawn out_ wi’ ony body?”
A WIDOW REQUIRES PICKLING.
Dr. James was sent for to a widow lady, who was not very well, who
asked him if sea bathing would not be a very good thing for her? “Why,
yes, madam, if a widow won’t _keep_ without being _salted_.”
ARMS.
The Duchess of Kingston, who was remarkable for having a very high
sense of her own dignity, being one day detained in her carriage by a
cart of coals that was unloading in the street, she leaned with both
her arms upon the door, and asked the fellow, “How dare you, sirrah,
stop a woman of quality in the street?” “Woman of quality,” replied the
man. “Yes, fellow,” rejoined her grace, “don’t you see my arms upon my
carriage?” “Yes, I do indeed,” says he, “and a pair of plaguy coarse
arms they are.”
A MOVING DISCOURSE.
A certain reverend drone in the country, preaching a very dull sermon
to a congregation not used to him, many of them slunk out of the
church, one after another, before the sermon was nearly ended. “Truly,”
said a gentleman present, “this learned doctor has made a very _moving_
discourse.”
DUKE OF BUCKINGHAM.
An instance of astonishing quickness is related of the witty Duke
of Buckingham: Being present at the first representation of one of
Dryden’s pieces of heroic nonsense, where a lover says, “My wound is
great, because it is _so small_!” The Duke cried out, “Then ’twould be
greater, were it _none at all_.” The play was instantly damned.
SHORT PRAYERS.
At a dinner party at the Duke of Ormond’s in 1715, Sir William Wyndham,
in a jocular dispute about short prayers, told the company, among whom
was Bishop Atterbury, that the shortest prayer he had ever heard, was
that of a common soldier, just before the battle of Blenheim:--“O God,
if there be a God, save my soul, if I have a soul!” This was followed
by a general laugh. Atterbury seemed to join in the conversation,
and, applying himself to Sir William Wyndham, said, “Your prayer,
Sir William, is indeed very short; but I remember another as short,
and much better, offered up likewise by a poor soldier, in the same
circumstances:--‘O God, if in the day of battle I forget Thee, do not
Thou forget me!’”
[A Highlander offered up a prayer almost as laconic as either of the
above two, just before fighting for the Old Chevalier, at the battle of
Sheriffmuir. He said, “Oh Lord, be Thou for us; but if Thou be not for
us be not against us, but leave it between the _red coats_ (the king’s
soldiers) _and us_.”]
THREE USES OF ONE WORD.
A person, who lived in constant fear of the bailiffs, having absconded,
one of his acquaintances was asked, what was the reason of his absence?
to which he replied, “Why, sir, I _apprehend_ he was _apprehensive_ of
being _apprehended_.”
COUNTENANCE AT AN ELECTION.