thrown at him, which, as he happened to stoop at the moment,
passed clear over his head. “You see,” he said to the friends who
congratulated him on his escape, “you see, if I had been an upright
judge I had been slain.”
KITES.
Boys fly kites for recreation, and men for other motives; the first
require the wind to raise the kite, the second the kite to raise the
wind.
COLLEGE JOKE.
They have, at the very head-quarters of orthodoxy, Oxford, sayings
which would be termed profane anywhere else. For instance, when a
tradesman has grown rich by trusting the scholars, they say, that “his
faith hath made him whole.”
SEA CAPTAIN’S OPINION OF A FUTURE STATE.
A sea captain, being asked for his opinion of a future state, answered,
“he never troubled himself about state affairs.”
“DO YOU SMOKE, SIR?”
“Do you smoke, sir?” said a London sharper to a country gentleman,
whom he met in a coffee-house, and with whom he wished to scrape
acquaintance. “Yes,” said the other, with a cool steady eye, “anyone
who has a design upon me.”
PROMISING CANDIDATE.
A young clergyman, who possessed every requisite for the pulpit but
a good voice, having occasion to preach a probation sermon for a
lectureship, a friend congratulated him, as he descended from the
pulpit, observing that, “he would certainly carry the election: he had
nobody’s voice against him, but his own.”
A FRIEND IN NEED.
A person being arrested for a large sum of money, sent to an
acquaintance, who had often professed a great friendship for him,
to beg he would bail him. The other sent back a note, to the effect
that he had promised never to be bail for anybody. “I will tell you,
however, what you may do,” added he; “you may get somebody else, if you
can.”
SINGULAR STAKES.
A lady, who loved gaming very much, and who, at the same time was very
covetous, falling sick in the country, in a village where her estate
lay, sent for the curate and proposed play to him. The curate, being
also fond of gaming, accepted the proposition with joy. They played,
and the curate lost. After having won all his money, she proposed to
play him for the parson’s fees at her burial, in case she died. They
played; and he lost. She obliged him to give a note for the sum at
which interments then stood; and dying eight or ten days after, the
curate withdrew his note by the interment.
PRECEDENCY.
Two little girls of the city of Norwich, one the daughter of a wealthy
brewer, the other the daughter of a gentleman of a small fortune,
disputing for precedency,--“You are to consider, miss,” said the
brewer’s daughter, “_that my papa_ keeps a coach.” “Very true, miss,”
said the other, “and you are to consider that he likewise keeps a dray.”
Three ladies meeting at a visit, a grocer’s wife, a cheesemonger’s,
and a tobacconist’s, who perhaps stood more upon the punctilios of
precedence than some of their betters would have done at the court-end
of the town; when they had risen up and taken their leave, the
cheesemonger’s wife was going out of the room first; upon which the
grocer’s lady, pulling her back by the skirt of her gown, and stepping
before her, “No, madam,” says she, “nothing comes after cheese.” “I
beg your pardon, madam,” replies the cheesemonger’s wife, pulling the
tobacconist’s lady back, who was also stepping before her, “after
cheese comes tobacco.”
MY OWN STEWARD.
“I cannot conceive,” said one English nobleman to another, “how it is
that you manage. I am convinced you are not of a temper to spend more
than your income; and yet though your estate is less than mine, I could
not afford to live at the rate you do.” “My Lord,” said the other, “I
have a place.” “A place! you amaze me. I never heard of it till now.
Pray what place?” “_I am my own steward._”
CURE FOR LOVE.
When Mrs. Rogers, the actress, was young and handsome, the Lord North
and Grey used to dangle after her; and one night being behind the
scenes, standing with his arms folded, in the posture of a desponding
lover, he asked her, with a sigh, “What was a cure for love?” “Your
lordship,” said she, “the best in the world.”
LORD RICHARDSON AND THE CARMAN.
Lord Richardson, riding abroad in his coach to take the air, and
passing by a carman whose horses were of unequal fatness, called out,
“Sirrah, sirrah, resolve me one question: why is your foremost horse
so lusty and pampered, and the rest such lean jades?” The carman, not
knowing the judge, but deeming him a lawyer, from his habit, answered,
“Whoy, the reason is plain enough; my fore horse is the counsellor, and
all the rest his clients.”
A POT I CARRY.
A fat apothecary having got drunk at a tavern in Fleet Street, was
sent home by his companions in a porter’s basket. When the man came to
Temple Bar, he was asked by the keeper within what was his business. “A
thing of great weight,” was the answer. After being admitted, he was
asked what was in his basket. “A pot I carry,” replied the porter.
GROSVENOR HOUSE.
When Grosvenor House, Millbank, was the extreme house on one of the
ways leading out of London, somebody asked another, in passing, “Who
lived in it?” “Lord Grosvenor,” was the reply. “I do not know what
estate his lordship has,” said the querist; “but he ought to have a
good one; for nobody lives beyond him in the whole town.”
A JOINT CONCERN.
Mrs. Sheridan was anxious to secure an income by her vocal powers; and
she earnestly entreated her husband to relax from his opposition,
so far as to allow of her occasional performance, until their
circumstances should render it unnecessary. But he still continued
inflexible, though it was with great difficulty he could raise the
necessary supplies for the ordinary purposes of life, and that by
very equivocal means. One of his sources was that of writing for the
fugitive publications of the day, in which he was materially assisted
by his wife; and many years after his entrance into the sphere of
politics, he has been heard to say, if he had stuck to the law, he
believed he should have done as much as his friend, Tom Erskine; “but,”
continued he, “I had no time for such studies. Mrs. Sheridan and myself
were often obliged to keep writing for our daily leg or shoulder of
mutton, otherwise we should have had no dinner.” One of his friends, to
whom he confessed this, wittily replied, “Then, I perceive, it was a
_joint concern_.”
WIT IN THE GALLERY.
Soon after the accession of George III., an additional tax was laid
on beer, to the great discontent of the populace. His majesty was
one night attending the theatre, when a fellow in the upper gallery
called to another to come and drink with him, as he had got a full pot.
“What did you give for your full pot?” inquired the invited person.
“Threepence-halfpenny.” “Threepence-halfpenny! Why, where did you send
for it?” “To George the Third.” “You fool,” said the other, “why did
you not send to George the Second? you would have had it there for
threepence.”
PROFESSIONAL OBLIQUITY OF UNDERSTANDING.
A gentleman, passing a woman who was skinning eels, and observing the
torture of the poor animals, asked her, how she could have the heart to
put them to such pain. “Lord, sir,” she replied, “they be used to it.”
A fishmonger of famous London town was telling a neighbour that he
intended to take a trip to Margate, where he should spend some time.
“And will you bathe?” inquired the other. “O, Lord, no!” answered the
worthy citizen; “the fishes would know me.”
SET FORMS.
A person, going into a meeting-house, happened to stumble over one of
the forms which were set near the entrance. “Who the devil,” he cried,
as he rubbed his irritated shins, “would have expected to find _set
forms_ in a meeting-house?”
FAVOR AND SODORINI.
Soon after M. Favor was appointed first ballet-master of the Opera
(towards the close of the last century), Signor Sodorini, another
performer there, came one day upon the stage, after the rehearsal, and
said to him: “Allow me, my dear sir, to introduce myself to you. You
are the dearest friend I have on earth. Let me thank you a thousand
times for the happiness you have conferred upon me by coming amongst
us. Command me in any way; for, whatever I do for you, I can never
sufficiently repay you.” The ballet-master, who had never seen or heard
of Sodorini before, was astounded. At last, he said, “Pray, sir, to
what particular piece of good fortune may I attribute the compliments
and professions with which you favour me.” “To your unparalleled
ugliness, my dear sir,” replied Sodorini; “for, before your arrival,
I was considered the ugliest man in Great Britain.” The ballet-master
(strange to say) took this joke in good part; and the two were ever
after warm friends.
MUSICAL PRIDE.
Fischer, a first rate oboe player, at Dublin, was a man of great
professional pride, and had also much of the ex-professional gentleman
in his composition. A nobleman once asked him to sup after the
conclusion of the opera; and, although very averse to going, he at
last consented, on being assured by his patron that it was only for
his society and conversation, and not for his musical proficiency,
that he was invited. He had not, however, been many minutes in his
host’s company, when the latter approached him, and said: “I hope, Mr.
Fischer, you have brought your oboe in your pocket.” “No, my lord,”
said Fischer, “my oboe never sups.” So saying, he turned on his heel,
and instantly left the house; nor could any persuasion ever induce him
to return to it.
NEGRO WIT.
A gentleman driving on the road between Little River and Brighton, was
overtaken by a negro boy on a mule, who attempted for a long while,
without success, to make the animal pass the carriage. At length the
boy exclaimed to his beast, “I’ll bet you one fippeny I make you to
pass this time;” and, after a short pause, again said, “you bet? very
well.” The boy repeated the blows with renewed vigour, and at last
succeeded in making him pass; when the gentleman, who overheard the
conversation between Quashee and his steed, said to him, “Well, my boy,
now you have won, how are you going to make the mule pay you?” “Oh,
sir,” says the negro, “me make him pay me very well; massa give me one
tenpenny for buy him grass, and me only buy him a fippeny worth!”
A TRUE KING.
When Dr. Franklin applied to the King of Prussia to lend his assistance
to America, “Pray, doctor,” says the veteran, “what is the object
you mean to attain?”--“Liberty, sire,” replied the philosopher of
Philadelphia; “liberty! that freedom which is the birthright of man.”
The king, after a short pause, made this memorable and kingly answer:
“I was born a prince; I am become a king; and I will not use the power
which I possess to the ruin of my own trade.”
SHERIDAN AND MONK LEWIS.
Sheridan never gave Lewis any of the profits of the Castle Spectre. One
day, Lewis, being in company with him, said, “Sheridan, I will make you
a large bet.” Sheridan, who was always ready to make a wager (however
he might find it inconvenient to pay it if lost), asked eagerly, “What
bet?” “All the profits of my Castle Spectre,” replied Lewis. “I will
tell you what,” said Sheridan (who never found his match at repartee),
“I will make you a very small one--what it is worth.”
DR. KITCHINER.
Some people have an objection to thirteen at dinner. Dr. Kitchiner,
the culinary, happened to be one of a company of that number at Dr.
Henderson’s, and, on its being remarked, and pronounced unlucky, he
said, “I admit that it is unlucky in one case.” “What case is that?”
“When there is only dinner for twelve.”
NAME RECOLLECTED.
At a dinner party, one day, somebody talked of a rich rector in
Worcestershire, whose name he could not recollect, but who had not
preached for the last twelve months, as he every Sunday requested
one of the neighbouring clergy to officiate for him. “Oh!” replied a
gentleman present, “though you cannot recollect his name, I can--it is
England--England expects every man to do his duty.”
BON-MOT OF SIR WILLIAM CURTIS.
A coach proprietor complained to Sir William Curtis that he
suspected his guard of robbing him, and asked what he should do?
“_Prenez-garde_,” said Sir William.
BON-MOT ON A TEA-URN.
Lady S----r was complaining one morning at breakfast that the tea was
very bad, and said she was quite sure the water didn’t boil; “Nay,”
said she, “the urn didn’t even hiss when it was brought in.” “No,” said
Sir W. E., “it was _tacit-urn_.”
WHERE HURT.
A gentleman who was relating an accident he had met with from a fall,
was asked by a surgeon, if it was near the _vertebræ_ that he had been
hurt? “No, sir,” was the reply, “it was near the Observatory.”
PRECEDENCY IN SHAVING.
A barber having come up to poll at a Berwick election, one of the
candidates, with evident marks of disappointment, asked, “What! did you
not shave me this morning?” “Yes,” answered the barber, “but I have
shaved Mr. ---- (meaning the opposing candidate) since.”
CONSUMPTIVE APPETITE.
Doctor Thomson was called in to attend a gentleman, who persuaded
himself that he was, to use a popular expression, “dying by inches.”
The doctor caught the invalid at dinner, and having seen him demolish
some soup, a slice of salmon, two cuts of chine of mutton, and half
a partridge, inquired what other symptoms of disease he felt. “None
particularly, sir,” said the invalid, “only every thing about me tends
to convince me that I am consumptive.” “Your appetite is, at all
events, sir,” said the doctor, and walked off.
FIREWORKS.
The fireworks for the peace of Ryswick were made by a colonel in the
army, and were much admired. This gentleman one day commending Purcel’s
epitaph, “He is gone to that place, where only his harmony can be
exceeded.”--“Why,” said a lady present, “that epitaph will serve for
you, with a very small alteration: there is nothing to do, but to
change the word _harmony_ for _fireworks_.”
CURIOUS FACT.
In the great catalogue of the British Museum Library many of the books
are classed according to the subjects of which they treat. Against the
head “Rebellion” there appears this notice (only)--“_Vide_ Hibernia.”
A SUDDEN RECOLLECTION.
An Indian of the Abipones, an equestrian people of South America, was
about to be baptized. “You will certainly go to heaven after this
ceremony, when you die,” said the Jesuit who was to christen him.
The Indian was content. Just as the water was on the point of being
thrown, however, a doubt arose in the mind of the savage. “By this
water I shall go to heaven?” said he. “As sure as there are mosquitoes
in America,” answered the father. “But my friends, who will not be
baptised.”--“They must go to hell: assuredly, they shall not miss; not
a man of them.” “Then excuse me,” said the savage; “I am sorry to have
given you this trouble; but I shall choose to go too.”
ADVANTAGE OF BUTTONS ON LUTESTRING.
Sir Baptist Hickes was telling how his gold buttons were cut off in
a crowd, and he never the wiser, though the poorer. Sir Edmund Bacon
asked him, if they were not strung upon lutestring? “No,” answered he.
“Oh, fie,!” said Sir Edmund, “that was the cause it was not discovered;
for if they had been strung upon lutestring, as soon as it was cut it
would have cried _twang_.”
WILLIAM III. AND SERGEANT MAYNARD.
When the public bodies at London paid their court to the Prince of
Orange on his arrival in the ever-memorable 1688, Sergeant Maynard,
a man near ninety years of age, headed the deputation of lawyers.
William, remarking his great age, expressed a supposition that he must
have outlived all the men of law of his time. “Why,” said Maynard, with
wit admirably suited to the crisis, “I was like to have outlived the
law itself, if your Royal Highness had not come over.”[B]
TWO REASONS AGAINST THE PRETENDER.
A staunch Whig of the old school, disputing with a Jacobite, said he
had two reasons for being against the interest of the Pretender. “What
are those?” inquired the Tory. “The first is, that he is an impostor,
and not really King James’s son.” “Why, that,” said the Jacobite, “is
a good reason, if it could be proved; but, pray, what is the other?”
“That he _is_ King James’s son.”
TRUMPINGTON.
An ignorant preacher, the vicar of Trumpington, near Ely, having
occasion to read that passage in Scripture,--“Eloi, Eloi, Lama
sabbacthani,” and considering with himself that it might be ridiculous
and absurd in him to read it as it stood, since he was vicar of
Trumpington, and not of Ely, actually bawled out, “Trumpington,
Trumpington, Lama sabbacthani.”
BRILLIANT MAIDEN SPEECH.
A young but ambitious M.P. of the last age, having long resolved upon
attempting some speech which should astonish the House, at last rose
solemnly up, and, after three loud hems, spoke as follows:--“Mr.
Speaker, have we laws, or have we not laws? If we have laws, they are
not observed, to what end were those laws made?” So saying, he sat
down, his chest heaving high with conscious consequence; when another
rose up, and delivered his thoughts in these words:--“Mr. Speaker, did
the honourable gentleman who spoke last, speak to the purpose, or not
to the purpose? If he did not speak to the purpose, to what purpose did
he speak?” It is needless to describe the roar of laughter with which
the House was instantly shaken, or to say that the orator never spoke
again in that place.
A TRUE KNOWLEDGE OF PUFFING.
Some years ago, a gentleman at Windsor took the place of the organist,
with a view to shew his superiority in execution. Among other pieces,
he was playing one of Dr. Blow’s anthems; but, just as he had finished
the verse part, and begun the full chorus, the organ ceased. On this,
he called to Dick, the bellows-blower, to know what was the matter.
“The matter?” says Dick; “I have played the anthem below.” “Ay,” says
the other, “but I have not played it above.” “No matter,” quoth Dick,
“you might have made more haste, then; I know how many puffs go to one
of Dr. Blow’s anthems, as well as you do: I have not played the organ
so many years for nothing.”
DR. BUTLER.
Dr. Butler was a man of peculiar manners. Being sent for to a lady’s
house, the lady desired a servant to ask what he would have for supper.
“A roasted horse,” said the doctor. The man stared, and vanished; but,
turning upon the stairs, soon re-appeared, and said to the reverend
divine, “Sir, will you please to have a pudding in his belly?” Butler,
laughing, said, “Thou hast a pudding of wit in thy head, and I like
thee well. But why ask me what I choose for supper? I came here to give
advice and not to eat. I shall eat as the rest.”
WEST INDIAN BEES.
A travelled man was descanting one day upon what he had seen in his
peregrinations. He was particularly impressive on the largeness to
which common reptiles and insects grew in tropical climates. “In the
West Indies,” said he, “bees are about the size of our sheep.” “And
how large may the bee-hives be?” inquired one of the company. “Oh,
about the ordinary size,” said the traveller, without thinking of
the exaggerated size he had just ascribed to the tenants of these
receptacles. “Then,” said the inquirer, “how do the bees get into the
hives?” “Oh,” replied the detected Manchausen, “let the bees look to
that!”
A THROUGH-GOING MINISTRY.
Tom Burnet, son of Bishop Burnet, happening to be at dinner at the Lord
Mayor’s, in the latter part of Queen Anne’s reign, when the Tories were
for a space triumphant, after two or three healths, “The Ministry” was
toasted. Tom, unwilling to compromise his principles by drinking to a
cabinet he could not approve of, endeavoured to escape, by telling a
story to a person who sat next him. This, however, would not do with
the Lord Mayor, who, observing a full glass on the table, called out,
“Gentlemen, where sticks the Ministry?” “At nothing,” replied the Whig,
and immediately drank off his glass.
TORY FIREWORKS.
A Whig, of the same stamp with Tom Burnet, being asked what he
thought of the fireworks which celebrated the peace of Utrecht (a
peace concluded by the Tory ministry much against the wishes of the
opposition), “I think,” said he, “they were a burning shame.”
GENERAL CAMPBELL.
George II., at a review of his horse guards, asked Monsieur de Bussy,
the French Ambassador, if he thought the King of France had better
troops. “Oh, yes, sir,” answered the ambassador, “the King of France
has his gendarmes, which are reckoned the best troops in the world.
Did your majesty never see them?” The king answered, “No;” upon which
General Campbell, colonel of the Scots Greys (who afterwards lost his
life at the battle of Fontenoy), stepped up and said, “Though your
majesty has not seen those troops his excellency speaks of, I have seen
them: I have cut my way through them twice, and make no doubt of doing
the same again, whenever your majesty shall command me.”[C]
CAWDOR AND CORDER.
The tragedy of Macbeth was acted at a town in Suffolk, and amongst the
audience was a man who had been nearly fifty miles, in the course of
the day, to see Corder, the memorable murderer, hanged at Bury. Such
was the belief entertained to the last, in some parts of the country,
that the extreme penalty of the law would not be inflicted, that the
man who had seen him die was pestered on all sides for an account of
the melancholy spectacle. At last he actually betook himself to the
theatre, to avoid further importunities. Just as he entered, the fourth
scene of the tragedy was commencing, and he was quietly setting himself
down in a box near the stage, when Duncan began, in the words of the
author,--
“Is execution done on Cawdor?”
“Yes, sir,” said the man, “I saw him hanged this morning--and that’s
the last time I’ll answer any more questions about it.” The audience
was convulsed with laughter at the strange mistake, and it was some
time before the performance could be proceeded with.
PATIENCE OF ANGLERS.
The late Dr. Franklin used to observe, that of all the amusements which
the ingenuity of man had ever devised for the purpose of recreation,
none required the exercise of most patient attention so much as
angling; a remark which he frequently illustrated by the following
story:--“About six o’clock, on a fine morning in the summer,” said the
doctor, “I set out from Philadelphia, on a visit to a friend, at the
distance of fifteen miles; and, passing a brook where a gentleman was
angling, I enquired if he had caught anything? ‘No, sir,’ said he, ‘I
have not been here long; only two hours.’ I wished him a good morning,
and pursued my journey. On my return in the evening, I found him fixed
to the identical spot where I had left him, and again inquired if he
had any sport? ‘Very good, sir,’ says he. ‘Caught a great many fish?’
‘None at all.’ ‘Had a great many bites though, I suppose?’ ‘Not one,
but I had a _most glorious nibble_.’”
PROMISING ACTRESS.
A few days previous to Foote’s opening the Haymarket Theatre, amongst
a variety of applications for engagements, a lady came to him warmly
recommended. Some time after she was introduced ensued the following
scene:--“Pray, madam,” says Foote, “are you for tragedy or comedy?”
No answer. “Are you married, madam? for if you are, by God, your
husband is very happy in regard to your tongue.” By this time, the
lady perceived she was spoken to; when, drawing her chair close up to
the wit’s, and turning one of her ears to him at the same time, she
replied,--“Speak a little louder, sir, for _I am deaf_.”
PRIME MINISTERS.
A person, speaking of the remarkably short lives of prime ministers,
said, “that almost as soon as they’re _primed_ they _go off_.”
QUEEN ANNE’S BATCH OF NEW PEERS.
The peace of Utrecht sticking in the House of Lords, Queen Anne, or
rather her prime minister, the Earl of Oxford, found it politically
necessary to create a majority, by calling up twelve commoners to
the House of Peers. The celebrated Duke of Wharton, who was in the
opposition, took care to be in the House the day of their introduction,
and, as they passed by him, very deliberately counted out aloud, “One,
two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve:
well, gentlemen of the jury, who shall speak for you?”
The same nobleman, soon after, meeting the Earl of Oxford, addressed
him with,--“So, Robin, I find what you lost by tricks, you have gained
by honours.”
SCARCITY OF FIRING.