_NUGGETS FOR TRAVELLERS_
English Anecdotes
_NUGGETS FOR TRAVELLERS_
_Uniform with this volume, price 1s. each_
Scottish Jests and Anecdotes
Irish Jests and Anecdotes
English
Jests and
Anecdotes
_Collected from_
VARIOUS SOURCES
_WILLIAM PATERSON_
_14 Clyde Street, Edinburgh_
ENGLISH ANECDOTES.
LACHRYMAL CANALS.
A lady who kept a boarding-school some years ago, near London, wrote
a novel, in which, among other extravagant expressions, occurred the
following:--“His Lordship could not weep; the tale of sorrow had frozen
his lachrymal canals.” A person to whom the fair author lent a copy
of her work, returned it, after a perusal, with this note appended in
pencil to the word _canals_: “Madam, I am a keen skater; would they
bear?”
THE DUCHESS OF NEWCASTLE.
This famous lady, who wrote many plays and romances, in the most
extravagant taste of the reign of Charles II., asked Bishop Wilkins,
how she could get up to the world he had discovered in the moon; for,
as the way must needs be long, a person travelling thither would
require to have some resting places by the way? “Oh, madam,” said the
bishop, “your grace, who has built so many castles in the air, can be
at no loss.”
PENNANT’S ANTIPATHY TO WIGS.
Mr. Pennant had an unaccountable antipathy to _wigs_. Dining at Chester
with an officer who wore a wig, when they had drunk pretty freely, he,
after much impatience, and many wistful looks, started up, seized the
wig, and threw it into the fire. It was in flames in a moment, and so
was the officer, who ran to his sword. Down stairs flew Pennant, and
the officer after him, through all the streets of Chester. But Pennant
escaped from superior local knowledge. This a wag called _Pennant’s
Tour in Chester_.
A LINE FOR THE OTHER WORLD.
A felon who was just on the point of being turned off, asked the
hangman if he had any message to send to the place where he was going?
“I will trouble you with _a line_,” replied the finisher of the law,
placing the cord under his left ear.
WIT AND THE OPPOSITE.
Dryden and Otway lived opposite to each other in Queen Street. Otway
coming one night from the tavern, chalked upon Dryden’s door, “Here
lives John Dryden; he is a _wit_.” Dryden knew his handwriting, and,
next day, chalked on Otway’s door, “Here lives Tom Otway; he is
_oppo-site_.”
PURGATORY.
“With regard to purgatory,” says an old popish writer, “with regard
to purgatory, I will not _say_ a great deal; but this much I
_think_,--that the Protestants may go farther, and fare worse.”
GREED IN LETTERS.
It being proved, on a trial at Guildhall, that a man’s name was really
_Inch_, who pretended that it was _Linch_. “I see,” said the judge,
“the old proverb is verified in this man, who being allowed an _Inch_,
has taken an _L_.”
KEEPING ONE’S BED.
A drunken fellow, to maintain himself at his pot, having sold all his
goods, except his feather bed, at last made away with that too; when,
being reproved for it by some of his friends, “Why,” said he, “I am
very well, thank God; and why should _I keep my bed_?”
JUDGE JEFFRIES.
When Jeffries was told that the Prince of Orange would very soon
land, and it was reported that a manifesto, stating his inducements,
objects, &c., was already written: “Pray, my lord chief-justice,” said
a gentleman present, “what do you think will be the _heads_ of this
manifesto?” “_Mine will be one_,” replied he.
A WARLIKE PRELATE.
Richard II., on the pope reclaiming, as a son of the church, a bishop
he had taken prisoner in battle, sent him the prelate’s _coat of mail_,
and, in the words of Scripture, asked him, “Know whether this be _thy
son’s coat_ or no?”
OTHER IRONS IN THE FIRE.
Mrs. B---- desired Dr. Johnson to give his opinion of a new work she
had just written; adding, that if it would not do, she begged him to
tell her, for she had other _irons in the fire_, and in case of its not
being likely to succeed, she could bring out something else. “Then,”
said the Doctor, after having turned over a few of the leaves, “I
advise you, madam, to put it where your _other irons_ are.”
FAMILY PRIDE.
The proud Duke of Somerset employed Seymour the painter to make some
portraits of his running horses. One day, at dinner, he drank to him
with a sneer: “Cousin Seymour, your health.” The painter replied, “I
really do believe that I have the honour to be of your grace’s family.”
The duke, offended, rose from the table, and sent his steward to pay
Seymour and dismiss him. Another painter of horses was sent for, who,
finding himself unworthy to finish Seymour’s work, honestly told the
duke so. On this the haughty peer condescended once more to summon his
cousin. Seymour answered his mandate in these words: “My Lord, I shall
now prove that I am of your grace’s family, for I will not come.”
JOKES OF ARCHY ARMSTRONG.
James I. was complaining of the leanness of his hunting horse, and
swore by his soul, he could see no reason why the animal should not be
as fat as the horses of his subjects, seeing that he bestowed upon him
good feeding and keeping, and rode him very easily. Archy Armstrong,
his fool, who was standing by, said he would tell his majesty how to
raise the animal’s flesh, and that very speedily. “I pray thee, fool,
how?” inquired the king. “Make him a bishop,” answered Archy, who seems
to have had an antipathy to that class of dignitaries, “and if he is
not soon as fat as he can wallow, _ride me!_”
Being desired to say a grace at the royal table, where Archbishop
Laud was present, he gave one in these emphatic and ambiguous words:
“All praise to God, and little Laud to the deil.” (Laud, it must be
understood, was a man of very small stature; the Puritans gave him the
punning epithet of his _Little Grace_.)
SIR GODFREY KNELLER.
Being informed that Jervis the painter was come from London to ----
in a coach and four, Sir Godfrey, who had an unaccountable antipathy
to that gentleman, cried, “By gar, if de horses draw no better dan
himself, he will never get back to town again.”
PACE, THE JESTER.
Pace, jester to Queen Elizabeth, was so bitter in his retorts upon her,
that he was forbid her presence. After he had been absent for some
time, a few of his friends entreated her Majesty to receive him back
into favour, engaging for him, that he would be more guarded in his
discourse for the future. The very first time they again met Pace was
as bad as ever. “Come on, Pace,” said the Queen in a gracious humour;
“now, we shall hear of our faults.” “No, madam,” said Pace; “I never
talk of what is discoursed by all the world.”
QUEEN ELIZABETH AND SIR THOMAS GRESHAM.
When Queen Elizabeth was at Osterby, near Brentford, the seat of Sir
Thomas Gresham, who built the Royal Exchange, she pointed out to him a
wall on one side of the garden, which confined, in some respect, the
prospect. Sir Thomas seemed to take no farther notice of her majesty’s
remark at that time, than to coincide in it; but as soon as she retired
to her chamber, he had a number of workmen in readiness, who had the
wall entirely pulled down by morning. The Queen, upon her walking in
the gardens, was surprised at the alteration; but, turning about to Sir
Thomas, with great readiness observed, “She did not wonder that he that
could build _a Change_, could so readily _change a building_.”
QUEEN ELIZABETH’S DELICACY OF SCENT.
Sir Roger Williams, who was a Welshman, and had been a tailor, though
afterwards a good soldier, preferred a request to Queen Elizabeth: she
refused him; but he, another time, moved it again. He had on a pair of
new boots, and the Queen could not bear the smell of leather. Stopping
him short, she put her hand to her nose, and cried, “Fah, Williams,
prithee be gone; for thy boots stink.” “Tut, tut,” answered he; “it is
my suit that stinks.”
WIT IN THE ELEVENTH CENTURY.
William the Conqueror being sick, long kept his chamber; whereat
the French King scoffing, said, “The King of England lies long in
child-bed.” When William heard this, he said, “When I am churched,
there shall be a thousand lights in France.” He made good what he said,
by wasting the French frontier with fire and sword.
CATHOLIC AND PROTESTANT.
A Catholic asked a Protestant where his religion was before the time
of Luther? “Where was your face this morning,” said the Protestant,
“before it was washed?”
SELLING LANDS.
A yeoman of Kent selling some lands, the lawyer was puzzled as to the
designation which he should have in the deeds. “Say _gentleman_,”
suggested a bystander; “for selling lands is a gentleman’s trade.”
LORD BURLEIGH.
Queen Elizabeth was naturally dilatory enough in suits, and the Lord
Treasurer Burleigh, being a wise man, and willing therein to feed her
humour, would say to her, “Madam, you do well to let visitors stay;
for, you know, _bis dat qui cito dat_: if you grant them speedily, they
will come again the sooner.”
WISE PRECAUTION.
Captain Robert Bacon, revelling at Sir William Paston’s, had his sack
served him in a curious Venice glass, very much under the size he
used to trade in. So, after a long contemplation of his measure, “Sir
William,” said he, “If you value this glass, as I believe you do, tie
a good long string to it, to draw it up again; for I am sure I shall
swallow it some time or other.”
YOUNG PRIVY-COUNSELLORS.
In the time of James the First, when privy-counsellors multiplied
very fast, and were sometimes admitted at a very green age, some one
remarked one day that the table would be soon too little to hold them.
“Why,” said another, “some must just do like other children, then, and
sit on the joint stools without.”
WINKING AT NEGLECT.
As a regiment of soldiers were marching through a country town, the
captain (a strict disciplinarian) observed that one of the drums did
not beat, and ordered a lieutenant to inquire the reason. The fellow,
on being interrogated, whispered to the lieutenant, “I have two ducks
and a turkey in my drum, and the turkey is for his honour:” which,
being whispered to the captain, “D--n the fellow,” cried the captain,
“why did he not say he was lame? I don’t want men to do their duty when
they’re not able.”
TRAVELLING POST.
A traveller speaking of the many countries and cities he had seen, one
of the company asked him if he had ever been in Cosmography? He, taking
it for the name of a city, said, “We saw it at a distance; but, as we
went post, we could not visit it.”
CROSS ANSWERS.
A prisoner being brought up to Bow Street, the following dialogue
passed between him and the sitting magistrate: “How do you live?”
“Pretty well, sir; generally a joint and pudding at dinner.” “I
mean, sir, how do you get your bread?” “I beg your worship’s pardon;
sometimes at the baker’s, and sometimes at the chandler’s shop.” “You
may be as witty as you please, sir; but I mean simply to ask you, how
do you do?” “Tolerably well, I thank your worship: I hope your worship
is well.”
CHARLES THE SECOND’S POCKETS.
No prince was more addressed than Charles II., while the very people
who sent these generous, nay, extravagant offers, scarcely allowed
him the necessary supplies. Killigrew saw this in the proper view,
and once gave private orders to the king’s tailor to make one of his
majesty’s coat-pockets of a most enormous size, and the other scarcely
larger than a thimble. The king being informed that this was done at
the desire of Killigrew, asked him the reason. “May it please your
majesty,” replied the arch wag, “the large pocket is to receive the
_addresses_ of your subjects, and the other is to put the _money_ in,
which they intend to present you with.”
SINGULAR MALAPROPOS.
A gentleman sitting in one of the boxes in company with Lord North, not
knowing his lordship, entered into conversation with him, and seeing
two ladies come into an opposite box, turned to him, and addressed him
with, “Pray, sir, can you inform me who is that ugly woman that is just
come in?” “O,” replied his lordship, with great good humour, “that is
_my wife_.” “Sir, I ask you ten thousand pardons, I do not mean her, I
mean that shocking monster who is along with her.” “That,” replied his
lordship, “is _my daughter_.”
PUNISHMENT OF THEFT.
Lord North who was very much troubled with the gout, one day feeling
some symptoms of an approaching fit, ordered his servant to bring him
his gouty shoes. The fellow, after looking for them some time in vain,
returned, and told his master he believed they were stolen, and as an
addenda to the information, muttered a few hearty curses against the
thief. “Poh! poh!” said the good-humoured peer, “do not be ill-natured;
all the harm I wish the rascal is, that the shoes may fit him.”
CUTTING MISTAKE.
A Frenchman, on landing at Dover, went into a barber’s shop to get
shaved. The poor man’s cheeks were so much collapsed, that the barber
was under the necessity of thrusting his fingers into his customer’s
mouth to assist the operation. “O mon Dieu, mon Dieu!” exclaimed the
Frenchman, whilst the barber was dashing away, “me be damnably cut.”
“Confound your thin lanthorn jaws,” replied Strop, “I have cut my
fingers cursedly _through your cheek_.”
DO THAT IF YOU CAN.
In the great Dutch war, in the reign of Charles II., the English fleet
and that of Holland fought in the Channel for three days successively;
engaging in the day, and lying-to at night. But, just as they were
preparing to renew the action, advice came off that an armistice had
been concluded, and the hostile parties began to exercise mutual
civilities. On board a Dutch man of war, which lay alongside of an
English first-rate, was a sailor so remarkably active, as to run to
the mast head and stand upright upon the truck, after which he cut
several capers, and concluded with standing on his head, to the great
astonishment and terror of the spectators. On coming down from his
exploit, all his countrymen expressed their joy by huzzahing, and
thereby signifying their triumph over the English. One of the British
tars, piqued for the honour of his country, ran up to the top like a
cat, and essayed, with all his might, to throw up his heels as the
Dutchman had done; but, not having the skill, he missed his poise,
and came down rather faster than he went up. The rigging, however
broke his fall, and he lighted on his feet unhurt. As soon as he had
recovered his speech, he ran to the side, and exultingly cried out to
the Dutchmen, “There, d--n your eyes, do that if you can.”
PUN UPON PUN.
Strange, Moore, and Wright, three notorious punsters, were on a certain
occasion dining together, when Moore observed, “There is but one knave
among us, and that’s _Strange_.” “Oh no,” said Wright, “there is one
_Moore_.” “Ay,” said Strange, “that’s _Wright_.”
CAT O’ NINE TAILS.
The captain of one of the British frigates, a man of undaunted bravery,
had a natural antipathy to a cat. A sailor who, from misconduct, had
been ordered a flogging, saved his back by presenting to his captain
the following petition:--
By your honour’s command
A culprit I stand--
An example to all the ship’s crew;
I am pinioned and stript,
And condemned to be whipt,
And if I am flogged--’tis my due!
A cat I am told,
In abhorrence you hold:
Your honour’s aversion is mine!--
If a cat with one tail
Makes your stout heart to fail,
O, save me from one that has nine!
PUNCTILIO.
The students at Oxford stand much upon punctilio in the matter of
making acquaintance; insomuch that one will not hold the least
intercourse with another, unless the proper formula of introduction
has been gone through. It is told, as a quiz upon them for this
peculiarity, that a young gentleman, who had recently entered one of
the colleges, happening to be seized with cramp while bathing in the
Isis, and being on the point of sinking, probably to rise no more, a
youth of older standing, who leant over a bridge near the scene, thus
soliloquized:--“Good God! what a pity I was not introduced to that
fresh-man--perhaps I might have saved him.”
MAKING FREE.
Some time ago, a member of Parliament applied to the post-office to
know why some of his franks had been _charged_. The answer was: “We
supposed, sir, they were not of your writing; the _hand_ is not the
_same_.” “Why, not _precisely_ the same; but the truth is, I happened
to be _a little tipsy_ when I wrote them.” “Then, sir, will you be so
good, in future, to write ‘_drunk_’ when you make _free_.”
HENRIETTA MARIA.
Henrietta, queen of Charles I., when pregnant of her first child,
longed very much for some cheese. An attendant expressed surprise at
her majesty having an appetite for such coarse meat, and remarked that
if the Welshmen heard of it they would take it as a high compliment.
“Oh,” said the queen, “content yourself; what do you know but the
Prince of Wales may long for it.”
A TRUE JOE MILLER.
In the time of Joe Miller there was an old deaf player of the name of
Cross, who, being very vain, took every pains to conceal his infirmity.
Joe, walking along Fleet Street with a friend, saw Cross on the
opposite side, and told his acquaintance he should see some fine sport.
So beckoning to Cross with his finger, he opened his mouth wide, and
began to assume the attitude and gestures of one who bawls very loud
to a distant object. Cross, thinking that Miller had hallooed to him,
and taking that as too broad a signification of his infirmity, came
puffing across the street as hard as he could, and “What the devil,”
cried he to Joe, “do you make such a noise for? do you think one cannot
hear?”
CHARLES MATTHEWS.
Matthews being asked what he was going to do with his son (the young
man’s profession was to be that of an architect), “Why,” answered the
comedian, “he is going to _draw houses_ like his father.”
GENEALOGY.
James the First, when he came from Scotland to England, stopped at
Lumley Castle, which contained some curious portraits of the ancestors
of the Lumleys in the habits of their several times. These were
shewn to the king, together with a genealogical tree of the ancient
pedigree of the family, carrying it far beyond what his majesty thought
credible; upon which, he said to the Bishop of Durham, who shewed it,
that he “did not know before that Adam’s surname was Lumley?”
STOCKS LOW.
A wag passing through a country town in the north, observed a fellow
placed in the stocks,--“My friend,” said he, “I advise you by all means
to sell out.” “I should have no objection, your honour,” he replied
drily, “but at present they seem much too low.”
HISTORICAL DOUBTS.
An auctioneer, at a sale of antiquities, put up a helmet, with the
following candid observation:--“This, ladies and gentlemen, is a helmet
of Romulus, the Roman Founder; but whether he was a brass or iron
founder, I cannot tell.”
FEMALE CONSTANCY.
It was a beautiful turn given by a great lady, who, being asked where
her husband was, when he lay concealed for being deeply concerned in
a conspiracy, resolutely answered, “She had hid him.” This confession
drew her before the king, who told her, nothing but her discovering
where her lord was concealed, could save her from the torture. “And
will that do?” said the lady. “Yes,” replied the king, “I give you my
word for it.” “Then,” answered she, “I have hid him in my heart, where
you’ll find him.” Which answer so charmed the king that he granted a
free pardon to both the husband and wife.
BOND TO THE DEVIL.
Colonel Bond, who had been one of King Charles the First’s judges, died
a day or two before Cromwell; and it was strongly reported everywhere
that the Protector was dead. “No,” said a gentleman, who knew better,
“he has only given _Bond_ to the devil for his further appearance.”
HANGING FOR FASHION’S SAKE.
Lord Mansfield, being willing to save a man who stole a watch, desired
the jury to value it at tenpence; upon which the prosecutor cried out,
“Tenpence, my lord! why the very fashion of it cost me five pounds!”
“Oh,” said his lordship, “We must not hang a man for _fashion’s sake_.”
TIME ENOUGH.
An officer in the fleet of Earl St. Vincent, asked one of the captains,
who was gallantly bearing down upon the Spanish fleet, “Whether he had
reckoned the number of the enemy?” “No,” replied the latter, “it will
be time enough to do that when we have made them strike!”
POSTS AND RAILING.
Mr. Pitt was forming a park about Walmer Castle, thinking to enclose
it with posts and rails. As he was one day calculating the expense, a
gentleman stood by, and told him that he did not go the cheapest way to
work. “Why?” said the Premier. “Because,” replied the gentleman, “if
you will find _posts_ the country will find _railing_.”
SUPERFICIAL KNOWLEDGE.
A young man, in a large company, descanting very flippantly on a
subject, his knowledge of which was evidently very superficial, the
Duchess of Devonshire asked his name. “’Tis Scarlet,” replied a
gentleman who stood by. “That may be,” said her grace, “and yet he is
not _deep read_.”
JAMES THE FIRST.
King James the First gave all manner of liberty and encouragement to
the exercise of buffoonery, and he took great delight in it himself.
Happening once to bear somewhat hard on one of his Scotch courtiers,
“By my soul,” retorted the peer, “he that made your majesty a king,
spoiled the best fool in Christendom!”
PRECEDENCY AT THE GALLOWS.
Two gentlemen, one named Chambers, the other Garret, riding by Tyburn
together, said the former, “That is a very pretty tenement, if it had
but a _Garret_.” “You fool!” replied Garret, “don’t you know there
must be _Chambers_ first.”
THE LEAST EVIL.
One asked his friend, why he married so _little_ a wife? “Why,” said
he, “I thought you had known that of all evils we should choose the
_least_.”
MANFUL ASSISTANCE.
The master of a ship, walking about on deck, called into the hold, “Who
is there?” A boy answered, “Will, sir.” “What are you doing?” “Nothing,
sir,” “Is Tom there!” “Yes,” cried Tom. “What are you doing, Tom?” “Helping
Will, sir!”
GOOD ADVICE.
A forward young scholar wishing to appear in the pulpit, consulted an
older preacher as to what text he should choose. The latter, wishing
him well, and knowing he was too young, suggested this text,--“Go to
Jericho till your beard be grown.” The scholar, it is said, took the
sage’s advice, and waiting a few years, proved eventually an excellent
preacher.
“I WISH I COULD.”
A gentleman, travelling in a long lane, where his horse could hardly
get through the mire, met a peasant, of whom he inquired the way to a
certain place. “Straight forward,” said the man, “you cannot go out of
your way.” “Faith, I fear so,” said the querist; “I wish I could!”
LENTHALL, THE SPEAKER.
In the time of the Long Parliament, Sandys, a gentleman of bold spirit,
was examined before the House, when Lenthall, the Speaker, put some
ridiculous and impertinent questions to him, asking, at last, what
countryman he was! “Of Kent,” said Sandys; “and pray, may I demand the
same of you?” “I am out of the west,” said Lenthall. “By my troth,”
replied Sandys, “so I thought, for all the wise men come out of the
east.”
EXHUMATION OF THE REGICIDES.
In the crowd which attended the exhumation of Cromwell, Ireton, and
Bradshaw, after the Restoration, some one exclaimed, “Who would have
ever thought to see Cromwell hanged for high treason!” “Oh, sir,”
said another, “this is nothing strange: see,” he added, pointing to
Bradshaw, “there is a _president_ for it.”
GOOD SUBSTITUTE FOR LAW.
“I defy you,” said a stubborn culprit to a justice during the Civil
War; “there is no law now.” “Then,” said the justice gravely to his
servants, “if there be no law, bring me a rope.” The knave instantly
knocked under.
JUDGE JEFFRIES.
Jeffries, examining an old fellow with a long beard, told him, he
supposed he had a conscience quite as long as that natural ornament of
his visage. “Does your lordship measure consciences by beards?” said
the man; “that is strange, seeing you are yourself shaven.”
SIR WILLIAM DAVENANT.
Sir William Davenant, the dramatic poet, had no nose. He was one day
walking along the Mews, when a female beggar followed him, crying, “Ah,
God preserve your eyesight, sir! the Lord preserve your eyesight!”
“Why, good woman,” said he, “do you pray so anxiously for my eyesight?”
“Ah, dear sir,” answered the woman, “if it should please God that you
grow dim-sighted, you have no place to hang your spectacles on!”
CHARLES II.
Charles the Second laid it down as a rule, that in his convivial
parties the _king was always absent_. Being one night in a select party
of this kind, one of his courtiers, who had contributed a good deal to
his mirth, ventured to ask him for a place. Charles, though he liked
the man as a companion, was yet unwilling to break through a fixed
rule; and he therefore quickly replied,--“You may depend on it, I will
speak to the king to-morrow about it.”
CHARLES II. UPON HONOUR.
Charles the Second, being at hazard one Twelfth Night at court, with
the Duke of Buckingham and others, a well-dressed sharper, who stood
behind the Duke’s chair, took the liberty to pick his pocket of a
diamond snuff-box, which was very valuable. Just in the instant of his
stealing it, the king happened to fix his eyes on him; on which the
sharper, with great presence of mind, put his finger up to his nose,
thereby insinuating it was done out of fun. The king knew the world
too well to be gulled even by such an artifice; but, however, held his
tongue. Some time after, the Duke missing his box, his majesty told him
the circumstance. “Good God, sire,” says his grace, “why did not your
majesty tell me of it in time?” “Oh!” says the king, “I could not do
that; I _was upon honour_.”
DUKE OF NORFOLK.
The first Protestant Duke of Norfolk, carrying the sword of state
before James II. to his chapel, stopped at the door, and would go no
further. The king said, “Your father would have gone farther:” to which
the Duke answered, “Your father would not have gone so far.”
HUGH PETERS.
Hugh Peters, the puritan, preaching on the Devil entering the swine,
said,--“My beloved, for conclusion, I shall give three observations on
the text; which, for your better remembrance, I shall clothe in three
English proverbs. 1. The Devil went from men into swine: _he had rather
play at small game than stand out_. 2. When he possessed them, they ran
down a bank into the sea: _they must needs go whom the Devil drives_.
3. They were all, no less than two thousand, drowned in the sea: _the
Devil brought his hogs to a fair market_.”
HANGING TOGETHER.
Hugh Peters, preaching a sermon to one of the Companies of London, the
object of which was to exhort them to love and unity, he concluded by
expressing a wish, that they might all join in concord, accord, or any
other cord, so that they might all hang together.
SIR ISAAC NEWTON.
Sir Isaac Newton was once riding over Salisbury Plain, when a boy
keeping sheep called to him, “Sir, you had better make haste on, or you
will get a wet jacket.” Newton, looking round and observing neither
clouds nor a speck on the horizon, jogged on, taking very little
notice of the rustic’s information. He had made but a few miles, when
a storm suddenly arising, drenched him to the skin. Surprised at the
circumstance, and determined, if possible, to ascertain how an ignorant
boy had attained a precision and knowledge in the weather of which
the wisest philosophers would be proud, he rode back, wet as he was.
“My lad,” said Newton, “I’ll give thee a guinea, if thou wilt tell me
how thou canst foretell the weather so truly.” “Will ye, sir? I will
then!” and the boy, scratching his head, and holding out his hand
for the guinea; “Now, sir,” having received the money, and pointing
to his sheep, “when you see that black ram turn his tail towards the
wind, ’tis a sure sign of rain within an hour.” “What!” exclaimed the
philosopher, “must I, in order to foretell the weather, stay here and
watch which way that black ram turns his tail?” “Yes, sir.” Off rode
Newton, quite satisfied with his discovery.
SHERIDAN AND THE STRANGER.
Sheridan was one day accosted by a gentlemanly looking elderly man, who
had forgotten the name of the street to which he was going, when the
following dialogue ensued:
_Stranger._ “Sir, I wish to go to a street the name of which I have
forgotten; it is a very uncommon name; pray, sir, can you tell me of
any such street near?”
_Sheridan._ “Perhaps, sir, you mean _John Street_?”
_Stranger._ “No; it is a street with an unusual name.”
_Sheridan._ “It can’t be Charles Street?”
_Stranger_ (_a little impatiently_). “It is not a common name--the most
unusual name for a street.”
_Sheridan._ “Surely, sir, you are not looking for King Street?”
_Stranger_ (_growing more impatient_). “I tell you, sir, it is a street
with a very odd name.”
_Sheridan._ “Bless me, sir, it is not Queen Street, is it?”
_Stranger_ (_evincing some degree of irritation_). “Queen Street! no,
no! it is a sort of a curious name, I tell you.”
_Sheridan._ “I wish, sir, I could assist you: let me think. It may be
Oxford Street?”
_Stranger_ (_getting testy_). “Sir, for Heaven’s sake, think; I keep
telling you, that it is a street with any thing but a common name; any
body knows Oxford Street.”
_Sheridan._ “Perhaps, the street has no name after all.”
_Stranger._ “No name, sir! Why, I tell you it has,--confound the name!”
_Sheridan._ “Really, sir, I am very sorry that I am unable to assist
you; but let me suggest Piccadilly.”
The stranger could no longer restrain his irritation, but bounced
away, exclaiming, “Oh, damn it, what a thick-headed fellow!” Sheridan,
calling to him and bowing, replied, “Sir, I envy your admirable
memory;” then walked on, enjoying his joke.[A]
SYMPATHY BETWEEN PRACTICAL JOKERS.
Between Tickell and Sheridan there was a never-ending “skirmish of
wit,” both verbal and practical; and the latter kind, in particular,
was carried on between them with all the waggery, and, not
unfrequently, the malice of school-boys.
On one occasion, Sheridan having covered the floor of a dark passage,
leading from the drawing-room, with all the plates and dishes of the
house, ranged closely together, provoked his unconscious play-fellow
to pursue him into the midst of them. Having left a path for his own
escape, he passed through easily, but Tickell falling at full length
into the ambuscade, was very much cut in several places. The next day,
Lord John Townshend, on paying a visit to the bedside of Tickell, found
him covered with patches, and indignantly vowing vengeance against
Sheridan for his unjustifiable trick. In the midst of his anger,
however, he could not help exclaiming, with the true feeling of an
amateur of this sort of mischief, “But how amazingly well done it was!”
A POLITE GRAVEDIGGER.
Stevens (who died gravedigger of Clerkenwell, in 1768, at the age
of ninety), was once on an examination before one of the courts in
Westminster Hall, relative to some parochial affairs, when, being asked
who he was, he replied “I am gravedigger of the parish of St. James’s,
Clerkenwell, _at your honour’s service_.”
PRIDE OF ANCESTRY.
An anecdote is told of Mr. Roger of Werndee, in Monmouthshire, which
exhibits the pride of ancestry in a striking point of view. His house
was in such a state of dilapidation, that the proprietor was in danger
of perishing under the ruins of the ancient mansion, which he venerated
even in decay. A stranger, whom he accidently met at the foot of the
Skyrrid, made various inquiries respecting the country, the prospects,
and the neighbouring houses, and among others, asked, “Whose is this
antique mansion before us?” “That, sir, is Werndee, a very ancient
house; for out of it came the Earls of Pembroke of the first line,
and the Earls of Pembroke of the second line; the Lords Herberts
of Cherbury, the Herberts of Coldbrook, Ramsay, Cardiff, and York;
the Morgans of Acton; the Earl of Hunsdon; the houses of Ircowm and
Lanarth, and all the Powells. Out of this house, also, by the female
line, came the Duke of Beaufort.” “And pray, sir, who lives there now?”
“I do sir.” “Then pardon me, and accept a piece of advice; come out of
it yourself, or you’ll soon be buried in the ruins of it.”
IMPROVEMENT ON THE FRILL.
George Selwyn one day dining at the Duke of Richmond’s, a French
marquis was declaiming on the ingenuity of his countryman; “who,” he
said, “were de grande artistes for de modes and de fashions, _pour tout
le monde_. For instance,” said he, “look at de roffel (_ruffle_), dat
fine ornament for de hand and for de breast: de Frenchman invent it,
and all de oder nations in Europe quickly adopt de same plan.” “True,”
replied Mr. Selwyn, “we allow that your countrymen have great merit
in invention; but you must at the same time admit, that, though the
English are not an inventive, they are at least an improving people:
for example, to the very articles which you mention they have made a
very important and useful addition.” “_Les Anglois_, Mistare Selvin,”
returned the Frenchman, stroking and pulling down the ruffles on his
breast and hands, “are, sans doute, ver clevar men; _mais je ne connois
pas quelle_ improvement dey could make to de roffel; _que ce la,
Monsieur?_” “Why, by adding a _shirt_ to it,” replied Selwyn.
PETER THE GREAT.
A Russian officer, named Valensky, who had a command in the Persian
expedition, had once been beaten by the Emperor Peter’s order,
mistaking him for another. “Well,” said Peter, “I am sorry for it,
but you will deserve it one day or other, and then remind me that you
are in arrears with me;” which accordingly happened upon that very
expedition, and he was excused.
SHERIDAN AND THE WESTMINSTER VOTER.
As Mr. Sheridan was coming up to town in one of the public coaches for
the purpose of canvassing Westminster, at the time when Paull was his
opponent, he found himself in company with two Westminster electors. In
the course of the conversation, one of them asked the other to whom he
meant to give his vote? When his friend replied, “To Paull, certainly;
for though I think him but a shabby sort of fellow, I would vote for
any one rather than that rascal Sheridan!”
“Do you know Sheridan?” asked the stranger.
“Not I, sir,” answered the gentleman, “nor should I wish to know him.”
The conversation dropped here; but when the party alighted to
breakfast, Sheridan called aside the one gentleman, and said,--
“Pray who is that very agreeable friend of yours? He is one of the
pleasantest fellows I ever met with, and I should be glad to know his
name?”
“His name is Mr. T----: he is an eminent lawyer, and resides in
Lincoln’s Inn Fields.”
Breakfast over, the party resumed their seats in the coach; soon after
which, Sheridan turned the discourse to the law. “It is,” said he, “a
fine profession. Men may rise from it to the highest eminence in the
state; and it gives vast scope to the display of talent: many of the
most virtuous and noble characters recorded in our history have been
lawyers. I am sorry, however, to add, that some of the greatest rascals
have been lawyers; but of all the rascals of lawyers I ever heard of,
the greatest is one Mr. T----, who lives in Lincoln’s Inn Fields.”
“I am Mr. T----,” said the gentleman.
“And I am Mr. Sheridan,” was the reply.
The jest was instantly seen; they shook hands, and, instead of voting
against the facetious orator, the lawyer exerted himself warmly in
promoting his election.
A BULLY.
A bully telling a gentleman, that in manhood and valour he came far
behind him, “You are not far wrong,” answered the other; “the last time
I fought with you, you ran away so fast that I could not overtake you,
run as I might.”
BUCKINGHAM AND SIR ROBERT VINER.
The second Duke of Buckingham talking to Sir Robert Viner in a
melancholy humour about his personal extravagance, “I am afraid, Sir
Robert,” he said, “I shall die a beggar at last--the most terrible
thing in the world.” “Upon my word, my lord,” answered the mayor,
“there is another thing more terrible which you have reason to
apprehend, and that is, that you will _live a beggar_ at the rate you
go on.”
PROPHECY FULFILLED.
One coming into a cathedral, where the choir consisted of very bad
voices, said, that the prophecy of Amos was fulfilled; “and the songs
of the temple shall be howlings.”
LORD THURLOW AND THE DISSENTERS.
The dissenters waited upon Lord Thurlow by appointment, to request
his vote for the repeal of the test act. After he had heard their
sentiments in a long harangue, with more than his ordinary patience,
when the speech was concluded, he thus addressed them:--“Gentlemen,
you have requested me to vote for the repeal of the test act. I shall
not vote for it. I do not care whether your religion or mine has the
ascendancy, or whether any religion or none; but as I know when you
were uppermost, you kept us down; so now that we are uppermost, we
will, by the help of God, keep you where you are.”
SHERIDAN AND HIS SON.
Sheridan took his son one day to task upon his celibacy, and strongly
urged that he should take a wife. “Very well, father,” answered Tom,
“whose wife shall I take?”
THE BELLOWS-BLOWER.
In a cathedral, one day after service, the bellows-blower said to
the organist, “I think we have done very well to-day.” “_We!_” said
the organist, in no small surprise at the impudence of his menial,
“how can you pretend to have any merit in the performance? Never let
me hear you say such a thing again.” The man said nothing more at the
time, but when they were next playing, he suddenly intermitted in his
task of inflating the organ. The organist rose in wrath to order him
to proceed, when the fellow thrusting his head out from behind the
curtain, asked slily, “Shall it be _we_ then?”
A FAMILY HUNG UP.
A lady, who, by virtue of an immense fortune, acquired by her father
in the profession of a pawnbroker, had married a poor nobleman, was
shewing her new and elegantly furnished house to George Selwyn. Having
led him from room to room, and displayed the whole of her rhetoric and
taste, she at last threw open a pair of large folding doors that led
into the grand saloon, which was superbly furnished, but contained no
pictures. “Here, Mr. Selwyn,” said she, “I intend to hang up all my
family.” “I thought,” replied George, “your ladyship might have spared
yourself that trouble; for I always understood they were _hung up_ long
ago.”
LORD KENYON.
A friend having pointed out to Sheridan, that Lord Kenyon had fallen
asleep at the first representation of Pizarro, and that, too, in the
midst of Rollo’s fine speech to the Peruvian soldiers, the dramatist
felt rather mortified; but, instantly recovering his usual good
humour, he said, “Ah poor man! let him sleep! he thinks he is on the
_bench_.”
A MATCH FOR SHERIDAN.
Sheridan sometimes met with his match, and that in quarters where it
might have been least expected. He was one day endeavouring to _cut_ a
suit of new clothes out of a tailor’s shop in the city. Flattery was
the weapon he employed. “Upon my word,” said he, “you are an excellent
finisher; you beat our snips in the West End hollow. Why don’t you
push your thimble amongst us? I’ll recommend you every where. Upon my
honour your work does you infinite credit.” “Yes,” replied the artist,
“I always take care that my work gives _long credit_, but the wearers
_ready money_.”
BENEFIT OF STAMMERING.
A stammering Lord Deloraine, being in a cock-pit, and offering several
bets, which he would have lost if he could have replied in time, at
length offered ten pounds to a crown. A gambler who stood by, said,
“Done;” but, his lordship’s fit of stuttering happening to seize him
at that moment, he could not repeat the word “done” till the favourite
cock was beat. “Confound your stuttering tongue!” cried the _leg_, “if
you could speak like other folk, you would be ruined.”
GOOD MANNERS.
Dunning the celebrated barrister, was addicted to the low and
unpardonable vice of turning witnesses into ridicule at their
examinations. One morning, he was telling Mr. Solicitor-General Lee
that he had bought a few _good manors_ in Devonshire, near his native
village of Ashburton. “I wish,” said Lee, “you would bring some of
them into Westminster Hall; for upon my honour, you have most need of
them there.”
HANDEL AND THE SERPENT.
The first time the musical instrument called _The Serpent_ was used
in a concert where Handel presided, he was so much surprised with the
coarseness of its tones, that he called out hastily, “Vat de devil is
dat?” On being informed it was the serpent, he replied, “It never can
be de serpent vat seduced Eve.”
A MONARCH IN FAULT.
About the time when Murphy so successfully attacked the stage-struck
heroes in the pleasant farce of _The Apprentice_, an eminent poulterer
went to a sporting-club in search of his servant, who, he understood,
was that evening to make his debut in Lear; he entered the room at the
moment when Dick was exclaiming, “I am the king--you cannot touch me
for the coining!” “No, you dog,” cried the enraged master, catching the
mad monarch by the collar; “but I can for not picking the ducks.”
SOTTISE OF A FRENCHMAN.
A Frenchman, who had learnt English, wished to be particularly polite,
and never neglected an opportunity of saying something pretty. One
evening, he observed to Lady R----, whose dress was fawn-coloured,
and that of her daughter pink, “Milady, your daughter is de _pink_ of
beauty.” “Ah monsieur, you Frenchmen always flatter.” “No madam, I only
speak de truth, and what all de world will allow, dat your daughter is
de _pink_, and your ladyship de _drab_ of fashion!” It was with great
difficulty that the Frenchman could be made to comprehend his _sottise_.
AN EAST INDIAN MAJOR LONGBOW.
An old East Indian, who had returned from Calcutta, with a large
fortune and a liver complaint, had retired to his native place
(Banffshire), and was availing himself one evening of the usual
privilege of travellers to a very large extent. His Scotch friends
listened to his _Major Longbows_ with an air of perfect belief; till,
at last, the worthy nabob happened to say, that in a particular part
of India it was usual to fatten horses upon the flesh of sheep’s heads
reduced to a pulp and mixed with rice. “Oh,” exclaimed all his auditors
with one voice, “Oh, that will never do. We can believe all the rest;
but really, feeding horses upon sheep’s heads is too bad.” “Well,
gentlemen,” said the man of the East, “I assure you, that my story
about the horses is _the only bit of truth that I have told you this
evening_!”
A QUERULOUS MAN.
Mr. Tyers, the proprietor of Vauxhall Gardens, was a worthy man, but
indulged himself a little too much in querulous complaints, when
anything went amiss; insomuch that, he said, if he had been brought up
a hatter he believed people would have been without heads! A farmer
once gave him a humorous reproof for his kind of reproach of Heaven;
he stepped up to him very respectfully, and asked him when he meant to
open his Gardens. Mr. Tyers replied, the next Monday fortnight. The man
thanked him repeatedly, and was going away; but Mr. Tyers asked him in
return, what made him so anxious to know. “Why, sir,” said the farmer,
“I think of sowing my turnips on that day, for you know we shall be
sure to have rain.”
IMPROMPTU.
A gentlemen paying a visit one morning to a family in Hanover Square,
was shewn into a room, where on a writing desk was a paper, on which
a lady had begun to transcribe a song from the opera of _Love in
a Village_: remarking that she had left off at the end of the two
following lines,--
In love should there meet a fond pair,
Untutor’d by fashion or art;
he took up a pen, and completed the verse by adding,--
If on earth such a couple there be,
I’ll be whipt at the tail of a cart!
SHUT THE DOOR.
Among the many peculiarities of Dr. Burney, were two of a very innocent
kind: the first was, the constant possession of wine of the best
vintage, the next the dread of a current of air. “Shut the door,”
was the first salutation uttered by him to any one who entered his
apartment; and but few of his associates ever neglected the rule.
This custom did not abandon him on the most trying occasions; for
having been robbed by footpads while returning home one evening in his
carriage to Chelsea Hospital, of which national asylum he was organist,
he called them back as they were making off, exclaiming to them, in his
usual peremptory tone, “Shut the door.” A voice so commanding had the
desired effect; he was instantly obeyed.
MR. JEKYLL.
Mr. Jekyll being told that Mr. Raine, the barrister, was engaged as
counsel for a Mr. Hay, inquired, if Raine was ever known to do good to
Hay?
HANDEL.
While Handel was presiding at the organ, during the performance of his
oratorio, entitled “Israel in Egypt,” the prima donna, Figuria Galli,
commenced a song entirely out of tune--“I am an Israelite;” upon which
Handel stopped the accompaniment, glared ferociously down upon the
offender, and exclaimed, in a voice of ten thousand thunders, “_You are
von dam beesh!_”
FOOTE AND THE EARL OF KELLY.
When the Earl of Kelly paid Foote a visit at his country villa, that
celebrated wit took him into his garden, and, alluding to the beaming
honours of his lordship’s face, said, “Pray, my lord, look over the
wall upon my cucumber bed; it has had no sun this year.”
A COMPLIMENT QUIZZED.
A gentleman walking in the fields with a lady, picked a _blue bell_,
and taking out his pencil, wrote the following lines, which, with the
flower, he presented to the lady.
This pretty flower, of heavenly hue,
Must surely be allied to you;
For you, dear girl, are heavenly too.
To which the lady replied:--
If, sir, your compliment be true,
I’m sorry that _I look so blue_.
KILLING THE DEVIL.
A young girl from the country, on a visit to Mr. H----, a Quaker, was
prevailed on to accompany him to the meeting. It happened to be a
silent one, none of the brethren being moved by the spirit to utter a
syllable. When Mr. H. left the meeting-house with his young friend, he
asked her, “How dost thou like the meeting?” To which she pettishly
replied, “Like it? why, I can see no sense in it; to go and sit for
whole hours together without speaking a word,--it is enough to kill the
Devil.” “Yes, my dear,” rejoined the Quaker, “_that_ is just what we
want.”
THE GREATEST BORE IN LONDON.
When Sir William Curtis returned from his voyage to Italy and Spain, he
called to pay his respects to Mr. Canning, at Gloucester Lodge. Among
other questions, Sir William said, “But, pray, Mr. Canning, what do
you say to the tunnel under the Thames?” “Say,” replied the secretary,
“why, I say it will be the greatest _bore_ London ever had, and that is
saying a great deal.”
RADCLIFFE OF DERWENTWATER.
It has often been observed, that a habitual sayer of good things will
have his joke under whatever circumstances he may be placed. Radcliffe,
brother of the unfortunate Earl of Derwentwater, and who was himself
executed in 1746, for his concern in the insurrection of 1715, was
brought to the bar to receive sentence of death, in company with an old
man of Falstaffian dimensions. The judge asking the usual question of
this other prisoner, “Plead your belly, plead your belly,” said the
grandson of Charles II, with a sly look at that part of his companion’s
person.
SHERIDAN UPON REGULARITY, WITH NOTES BY THE EARL OF GUILDFORD.
Just about the time that Mr. Sheridan took his house in Saville Row, he
happened to meet Lord Guildford in the street, to whom he mentioned his
change of residence, and also announced a change in his habits. “Now,
my dear Lord, everything is carried on in my house with the greatest
regularity; everything, in short, goes like clockwork.” “Ah!” replied
Lord Guildford, “tick, tick, tick, I suppose.”
ANTI-CLIMAX.
Mr. H----, the Professor of Chemistry in the University of Dublin, who
was more remarkable for the clearness of the intellect than the purity
of his eloquence, adverted in one of his lectures to the celebrated
Dr. Boyle, of whose talents he spoke with the highest veneration: he
thus concluded his eulogy:--“He was a great man, a very great man; he
was the _father_ of chemistry, gentlemen, and _brother_ of the Earl of
Cork.”
MR. FOX’S ESTIMATE OF THE FRENCH CHARACTER.
In one of the latter days of Fox, the conversation turned on the
comparative wisdom of the French and English character. “The
Frenchman,” it was observed, “delights himself with the present; the
Englishman makes himself anxious about the future. Is not the Frenchman
the wiser?” “He may be the merrier,” said Fox; “but did you ever hear
of a savage who did not buy a mirror in preference to a telescope.”
UPRIGHT JUDGE.