No. They boycott him.
* * * * *
_Critic_--Your work seems a little raw.
_Poet_--It oughtn’t to be. It’s been roasted enough.
* * * * *
My sister’s husband got a divorce from her.
What for?
For making bad coffee.
That was poor grounds.
* * * * *
_Bill_--Your friend Crimsonbeak reminds me of the moon.
_Jill_--Because he’s out late nights?
_Bill_--No; because he appears to be brightest when full.
* * * * *
“We never remember the faces of those we love most dearly.”
“That’s so! To save me I can’t tell what a hundred-dollar-bill looks
like!”
* * * * *
“Didn’t I tell you I wanted you to run an errand for me?” asked the
mother the third time.
“Yes, maw,” said Johnnie, laying down his literature.
And as the boy started to the grocery he muttered to himself: “I hope
Seven-fingered Sam won’t kill Old Sleuth ’till I git back.”
* * * * *
“How did you know that Charlie Coleman was a teacher?”
“Didn’t you see me look into his eyes?”
“Yes.”
“I could see his pupils.”
* * * * *
“I’m following the horses now.”
“Are you beating them?”
“No. I lost my whip.”
* * * * *
“You remind me of a river.”
“How so?”
“The biggest part of you is your mouth.”
* * * * *
“I dreamed last night, that I had a million dollars.”
“I thought so. I spoke to you twice during the night and you never
noticed me.”
* * * * *
_Myra_--“What kind of a husband would you advise me to get?”
_Jessie_--“You get a single man and let the husbands alone.”
* * * * *
_Hiram_--“Yew must of felt all-fired sheepish when yew got buncoed by
thet there confidence feller.”
_Josh_--“Naturally; didn’t I get fleeced?”
* * * * *
“I don’t see how she can marry such a little man. Why, she could carry
him in her pocket.”
“Oh, dear, no! Never fear. He’ll be out of pocket all the time after he
marries her.”
* * * * *
“How long do you expose a plate in taking a picture?”
“Oh, about three seconds.”
“Well, suppose it’s a living picture?”
“No limit.”
* * * * *
“What caused the death of Mary Murphy?”
“She dreamt she was a frog and croaked.”
* * * * *
“It was my good fortune that my ancestors came over in the Mayflower,”
said Miss South Church.
“May flour,” replied Miss Hennepin, who did not quite understand. “Our
folks made their fortune in September wheat.”
* * * * *
What is an Island?
A pimple on the Ocean.
What is a strait?
Nine, ten, Jack, Queen, King.
* * * * *
“What did you steal that cradle for?”
“Oh, just for a kid.”
* * * * *
“Why, the bare idea!”
“Of what, dear?”
“Telling the naked truth!”
* * * * *
“Are you going to the seashore this summer?”
“Not me; I was bored almost to death there last year.”
“Not enough men?”
“No; too many mosquitoes.”
* * * * *
“Say, there ain’t no bell in my room.”
“Well, if youse want anyt’ing, wring de towel. See?”
* * * * *
“I was down to the race track yesterday and played a horse 20 to 1.”
“Well?”
“He didn’t come in until quarter to six.”
* * * * *
“Airships will be all the rage soon.”
“Well, it is nothing unusual for people to fly in a rage.”
* * * * *
“Seeing is believing, you know.”
“Not always. I see you frequently, but I seldom believe you.”
* * * * *
“What is a profitless enterprise?”
“Telling hair-raising stories to a baldheaded man.”
* * * * *
“After all a hammock is nothing but a net.”
“You are right. Many a girl makes a good catch in one.”
* * * * *
I see there is a plan to tax the barbers of Kansas City, Kan., $1 each
annually--won’t it work a hardship on them?
They can easily scrape up the money.
* * * * *
“That young man who calls on you twice a week stays too late. You will
have to sit down on him.”
“Why, I do, mamma.”
* * * * *
Do you know Minnie Fish?
Yes, I’m going to drop her a line.
* * * * *
“Does your wife miss you when you are away from home?”
“No; but she frequently misses me when I’m at home.”
“How’s that?”
“Her aim isn’t accurate.”
* * * * *
“My tailor called with his little bill yesterday.”
“I know how that is, old man. You have my sympathy.”
“Oh, don’t waste your sympathy on me. Sympathize with the tailor.”
* * * * *
Did you hear about Waters the iceman?
No! what about him?
Why, he went on the stage.
Was he a success?
No, he was a frost.
* * * * *
“I’ll never forget the night you proposed. You acted like a fish out of
water.”
“Yes, I was a sucker.”
* * * * *
“By the way, can you pay that little bill of mine to-day?”
“Well, I should say not. Why, I can’t even pay my own little bills.”
* * * * *
“Every time I take a drink of whiskey it goes to my head.”
“Sure; it wants to get where it won’t be crowded.”
* * * * *
“My, but you have large ears!”
“Yes. All I lack is your brains to be a perfect donkey.”
* * * * *
“Does your wife ever send for you if you happen to stay out late?”
“No, she waits until I get home, then she goes for me.”
* * * * *
“The discipline in the navy is very strict, isn’t it?”
“So strict that they even dock a vessel that can’t keep up with the
rest.”
* * * * *
“What are you crying about?”
“Oh, they are not regular tears.”
“What are they, then?”
“They’re just volunteers.”
* * * * *
I heard your father was a prominent figure in Wall Street and made lots
of dust.
Yes, he was a street-sweeper.
* * * * *
“Do you think there is much difference between this world and the next?”
“Yes, there’s a hell of a difference for some.”
* * * * *
“Have you received last month’s gas bill, dear?”
“Yes, husband.”
“Well, what’s the charge of the light brigade?”
* * * * *
“We had short-cake for tea.”
“So had we; so short it didn’t go round!”
* * * * *
“Pa, did you know ma long before you married her?”
“No, my boy, I didn’t know her until long after I married her!”
* * * * *
Anybody can lead a horse to a drinking place, but nobody can force him
to drink. How different it is with men!
* * * * *
_Riggs_--“Where did you get that black eye?”
_Jiggs_--“Told the conductor I was travelling on my face, and he
punched the ticket.”
* * * * *
_Ethics Prof._--What becomes of a drinker when he dies?
_S. S._--Why, since his “spirit” is gone, he gets a “bier.”
* * * * *
Do you like corn on the ear?