* * * * *
_Bill_--Do you think betting is wrong.
_Jill_--Well, the way I bet generally is.
* * * * *
“I’ve lost my ring, Bridget.”
“Phwy don’t ye advertise, mum, an’ no questions asked?”
“What good would it do?”
“Ye moight foind it, mum. Me lasht misthress did, an’ Oi got the
reward.”
* * * * *
A farmer’s wagon loaded with butter broke down. It stuck fast in a mud
hole and the horse couldn’t start it. “It’s no use, Mister,” said a
small boy. “Your old horse ain’t strong enough. Take him out an’ hitch
in a roll of yer butter.”
* * * * *
“What is your brother doing?”
“Six months.”
* * * * *
“Why did Brother Dick shoot that poor crow?”
“I think, my dear girl, it was because the crow gave him caws.”
* * * * *
_Bill_--That man is a horrible liar.
_Jill_--Oh, I don’t know, I think he’s very good at it.
* * * * *
“My landlord is a checker-player.”
“What makes you think so?”
“He told me it was my move.”
“Yes?”
“And if I didn’t move right away, he’d make me jump.”
* * * * *
“You say his wife’s a brunette? I thought he married a blonde.”
“He did, but she dyed.”
* * * * *
You ought to learn violin.
Why?
It will give your chin a rest.
* * * * *
“The trouble with you,” the doctor said, after examining the young man,
“seems to be that something is the matter with your heart.”
“With my heart?”
“Yes. To give it a name, it is angina pectoris.”
“You’ll have to guess again, doctor,” said the young man. “That isn’t
her name at all.”
* * * * *
“Do you know what it is to love a woman?”
“Do I? Why, I idealized a woman once, but she married.” [Sadly.]
“Whom did she marry?”
“Me.”
* * * * *
_He_--Why has he put her picture in his watch?
_She_--Because he thinks she will love him in time.
* * * * *
_She_--My but I was shy when the parson asked me my age.
_He_--Yes, about ten years shy.
* * * * *
“I took a tramp up to Harlem to-day.”
“Did you leave him there?”
* * * * *
_Jack_--“Do you think a fellow ought to be locked up for stealing
kisses?”
_Flo_--“Well, I think he ought to be _tied_ up.”
* * * * *
_Young Wife_--“How do you like my cooking? Don’t you think I’ve begun
well?”
_Husband_--“Um--yes. I’ve often heard that well begun is half done.”
* * * * *
“He is a dealer in drawing materials.”
“Crayons?”
“No, mustard plasters.”
* * * * *
_Harry_--Hello, Charlie, what do you think happened to me the other
day--I was riding on a Sixth Avenue car when a very fine young lady
entered the car and I immediately arose and gave the lady my seat.
_Charlie_--That was proper, perfectly proper.
_Harry_--Well, I only done it to see how I stood.
* * * * *
They had fallen out of a balloon and landed on the skylight of one of
the skyscrapers.
“Where are we at?” said the bride, as they came through and landed on
the floor.
“Scotland.”
“How do you know?”
“Didn’t you hear the Glass-go!”
* * * * *
“I would have gone to sleep on an empty stomach last night, only for
one thing.”
“What was that--some one take you out for dinner?”
“No, I slept on my back.”
* * * * *
“Where were you?”
“Down on Wall Street.”
“Well, what were you doing down there?”
“Buying wall paper.”
* * * * *
_She_--Yes, my husband run away and shook me when I was forty-five.
_He_--That’s not a bad shake.
* * * * *
Are they twins?
They are not. Wan is a bhoy and the ither a ghurl.
* * * * *
“What do you suppose makes our gas bill so large?”
“Why, George, don’t you know we are light house keeping.”
* * * * *
When does the bank cashier buy a yacht?
When he’s going to be a skipper.
* * * * *
“There is one thing you can’t get right unless you get it twisted.”
“What is that?”
“A corkscrew.”
* * * * *
“Why, papa, this is roast beef!” exclaimed little Archie at dinner, on
the evening when Mr. Chumpleigh was present as the guest of honor.
“Of course,” said the father. “What of that?”
“Why, you told mamma this morning that you were going to bring a
‘muttonhead’ home for dinner this evening.”
* * * * *
I saw a sign in front of a fish store that said “Dry Herring.” I went
in and said, “Mister, do you keep dry herring?” The storekeeper said,
“Yes.” I said, “Why don’t you give them a drink?”
* * * * *
“He doesn’t cut any ice, does he?”
“Who?”
“The coal man.”
* * * * *
_Woods_--Who is the champion light-weight in your town?
_Lewis_--My grocer.
* * * * *
“She asked her husband for a thousand dollars and he gave her assent.”
“The mean thing!”
* * * * *
A thief was lately caught breaking into a song. He had already got
through the first two bars, when a policeman came up and hit him with a
club.
* * * * *
A young man asked a widow to marry him.
“What’s the difference between myself and Willard Pond’s Jersey cow?”
asked the widow.
“I don’t know,” said the young man.
“Then,” said the widow, “you’d better marry the cow.”
* * * * *
“How did that fight between the bridge tenders end?”
“It was fought to a draw--and they both fell in!”
* * * * *
My girl gave me a tintype picture of herself. I put it in my pocket and
went a few steps further, and fell. When I got up, she says, “Are you
hurt?” I said, “Yes.” She said, “Where?” I said, “Not on your tintype.”
* * * * *
“Waitress, will that roll be long?”
“No, sir; it will be round in a minute.”
* * * * *
“The boss said I was too full of my business.”
“What’s your biz?”
“Whiskey traveller.”
* * * * *
_Biggs_--That butcher is an awkward fellow.
_Boggs_--Yes, I notice his hands are always in his weigh.
* * * * *
_Boss_ (lecturing)--And remember, when a little boy disobeys me, then I
use force.
_Boy_--Force?
_Boss_--Yes, force.
_Boy_--Ever tried Grape-Nuts?
* * * * *
_Percy_--“The new cook is very tall, isn’t she?”
_Harold_--“Yes; but it isn’t likely she’ll stay long.”
* * * * *
“I want something striking for a wedding present.”
“Yes, sir, the clock department is on the fourth floor.”
* * * * *
“Is your friend the dentist a society chap?”
“Well, in one way. He attends lots of swell gatherings.”
* * * * *
A man lost three hundred dollars in a railway station and returned and
told the crowd he would give seventy-five dollars for the return of the
money. One man said he’d give a hundred and another man said he’d give
two hundred. When I left they had bid it up to a thousand.
* * * * *
“I can tell you how much water runs over Niagara Falls to a quart.”
“How much?”
“Two pints.”
* * * * *
Willie said that his mother had a very cruel cook. He said that he
heard her talk about beating the eggs, whipping the cream, stoning the
raisins, mashing the potatoes and pounding the steak.
* * * * *
What’s the difference between a Dutchman and an Irishman?
When a Dutchman is dead he’s dead, isn’t he?
When an Irishman is dead you have to watch him for three or four days
after.
* * * * *
_She_ (disgustedly)--Drunk again?
_He_--Hic, so am I.
* * * * *
The fellow in the next room to me last night made an awful lot of
noise, his wooden leg pained him.
How could that be?
His wife hit him over the head with it.
* * * * *
_Percy_--“Was it because your brother took his typewriter out to lunch
that all the trouble came about?”
_Harold_--“Oh, no, it wasn’t that! It was because his wife found it
out.”
* * * * *
“How do you tell the age of a turkey?”
“By the teeth.”
“A turkey hasn’t got teeth!”
“No; but I have.”
* * * * *
B’ginger I went into a Turkish bath an’ gin a feller a dollar outen
m’wallet and he laid me out onto a slab and derned if he didn’t scrub
me with a brick. Wall, I asked him what in thunder he was doin’ and he
said: “Scouring the country for money.”
* * * * *