Did it make any difference with his carriage?
No, but it stopped his wagon.
* * * * *
The drummer looked across the aisle. The seat beside the pretty girl
was vacant. Going over, he said: “Is this seat engaged?”
“No,” said the girl, “but I am; so it won’t do you any good.”
* * * * *
“No more parlor matches. They’re against the law,” said Reginald.
“Come out on the veranda,” said Gladys, hastily leading the way.
* * * * *
“I did a good thing to-day.”
“Where did you meet him?”
* * * * *
“How long was your father in the penitentiary?”
“Ten years.”
“They weren’t in a hurry to let him out, were they?”
“No, you have to take your time there.”
* * * * *
The other day I started on a business trip and told my wife I would not
be home that night. I missed the train and arrived home at about eleven
o’clock. My wife in answer to my ring called down: “Is that you, Jack?”
I remain at home now.
P. S.--My name is Bill.
* * * * *
“My son tells me you have discharged him,” said the office boy’s
mother. “It’s very strange; you advertised for a strong boy and that’s
what he is----”
“He’s too strong, madam,” replied the employer; “in the single day
he was here he broke all the rules of this office and some of the
furniture.”
* * * * *
A stout woman said to a little boy: “Can you tell me if I can get
through this gate to the park?”
He said: “I guess so. A load of hay just went through.”
* * * * *
When your wife died, did she leave you any real estate?
Yes, she left the earth.
* * * * *
My wife dresses out of sight.
That’s the proper place for her to dress.
* * * * *
_Widson_--I wonder what induced Jumkins to marry his typewriter?
_Booler_--Why, didn’t you know that he’d been trying for years to get a
typewriter of his own?
* * * * *
“Is your watch all right, now?”
“No, but it’s gaining.”
* * * * *
George Little has a wife and nine children and only earns eight dollars
a week but he gets along splendidly.
How does he manage to do it on such a small salary?
Why, every little helps.
* * * * *
The other day an ear of corn was run over by an automobile and three
kernels were killed.
* * * * *
_She_--We haven’t seen much of you this week.
_He_--I saw a good deal--at least I saw you--er--last Tuesday.
_She_--Did you? Where was I? Cycling?
_He_--Not at the moment. You were just falling over the handles.
* * * * *
I’ve got a brother that’s awful funny. People come from miles around to
see him cut up, he’s a butcher, and he always dresses to kill.
* * * * *
“An Indiana man is making a study of perpetual motion.”
“What does he model it on?”
“His wife’s tongue.”
* * * * *
Are you a carpenter?
Yes.
How would you make a Venetian blind?
Punch him in the eye.
* * * * *
There was a piece of cold pudding on the lunch table and mamma divided
it between Willie and Elsie. Willie looked at his mother’s empty plate.
“Mamma,” he said, earnestly, “I can’t enjoy my pudding when you haven’t
any. Take Elsie’s.”
* * * * *
“I wonder what makes so many letters go to the dead-letter office?”
“Why, I suppose it’s because the addresses are so perfectly killing.”
* * * * *
Do you know that my little dog is dead?
I suppose he either swallowed a tape-line and died by inches, or else
went up the alley and died by the yard.
Oh, no, he crawled away up under the bed and died by the foot.
* * * * *
_Husband_--Why are you so angry at the doctor?
_Wife_--When I told him I had a terrible tired feeling, he told me to
show him my tongue.
* * * * *
In a prison scene, a man is supposed to be shot while filing the bars
of his cell in an effort to escape. The pistol failed to explode and
the prisoner finally dropped as though dead. The guard, whose pistol
refused to work, gazed at him in astonishment for a second, then with
great presence of mind, he raised both hands and exclaimed in a tone of
horror: “My God! He’s swallowed the file!”
* * * * *
Show me a man who likes to be interrupted in the middle of a sentence.
All right. Come along with me to the nearest prison.
* * * * *
“Poor Swickles thoroughly enjoyed life.”
“Yes, he enjoyed it so much that people are getting up a fund for his
widow and children.”
* * * * *
My sister married a street-car conductor. They ain’t getting along very
well together.
Why don’t she get a transfer?
* * * * *
“I’ll see you through,” as the surgeon said to the patient just before
turning on the _x_-rays.
* * * * *
_Beggar_--Please give a poor old blind man a dime?
_Citizen_--Why, you can see out of one eye.
_Beggar_--Well, then, give me a nickel.
* * * * *
“The other day, I saw a farmer on Fourteenth Street, so I asked him to
hold my cigar while I went into Huber’s. When I came out, he was there
with the cigar, all right.”
“Well, he wasn’t a farmer.”
“No? What was he?”
“A cigar-holder.”
* * * * *
“Doesn’t her hair look killing?”
“No wonder; it’s dyed.”
* * * * *
“If they put the _x_-ray over the hand the bones will come right out.”
“Bring it over to the house fish day.”
* * * * *
“How did you get your start in life?”
“My little sister shoved me downstairs.”
“No, no. I mean how did you earn your fortune?”
“I made all of my money selling wisdom.”
“Oh, then you were a bookseller.”
“No, I was a bookmaker.”
* * * * *
“Is your brother, the bank cashier, behind in his accounts?”
“No. The bank’s behind. My brother’s ahead.”
* * * * *
“I lost my watch in the river three years ago, and it is still running.”
“The river?”
“The installment jeweler’s bill.”
* * * * *
The man that makes bets is a gambler, and the man that don’t is no
bettor.
* * * * *
I have got a smart little dog that tracked me for five miles by the
scent of my feet.
Why don’t you take a bath and fool him?
* * * * *
“James, my son,” said the man, who stood mixing milk and water, “ye see
what I’m a-doin’ of?”
“Yes, father,” replied James; “you’re a-pouring water into the milk.”
“No, I’m not, James; I’m a-pouring milk into the water. So, if anybody
axes you if I put water into the milk, you tell ’em no. Allus stick to
the truth, James. Cheatin’ is bad enough, but lyin’ is wuss.”
* * * * *
_Whyte_--I always make it a rule to kiss my wife whenever I leave the
house in the morning and when I come home at night.
_Browne_--That’s right. I would if I were you.
* * * * *
“Gracious me! I think papa is going to take that young man into the
family.”
“Why, dear?”
“Well, when they were playing cards last night I distinctly heard papa
say: ‘I think I’ll raise you, Harry.’”
* * * * *
“It looks like thirty cents, doesn’t it?”
“What does?”
“A nickel and a quarter.”
* * * * *
“How does your brother like the job of running an elevator?”
“Oh, he’s taken up with it.”
* * * * *
_Dusty Dolittle_--De old guy offered me a job turning a grindstone!
_Weary Willie_--Wasn’t yer shocked?
_Dusty Dolittle_--Shocked! Why, I didn’t know which way to turn.
* * * * *
Where are you living now?
Up in the tenth story of a brick building.
Have you got any children?
No, the elevator is broke, and we can’t raise them.
* * * * *
“See here, waiter! Do you call that roast beef? It’s nothing but
cow-hide!”
“What do you expect for a twenty-five cent dinner? Morocco?”
* * * * *
Mrs. Tizzletop overheard her son, Johnny, swear like a trooper.
“Why, Johnny,” she exclaimed, “Who taught you to swear like that?”
“Taught me to swear,” exclaimed Johnny, “Why, it’s me who teaches the
other boys.”
* * * * *
_Guest_--“What are these chops, lamb or pork?”
_Waiter_--“Can’t you tell by the taste?”
_Guest_--“No.”
_Waiter_--“Well then, what difference does it make?”
* * * * *
Do you think it is possible for a thing that has no life to move?
I have seen a watch spring, a match box, a plank walk and a banana
stand. I have even seen a cat fish, and a horse fly.
* * * * *
Before marriage, he sits and holds her hand. He don’t dare let go. If
he did she’d pick his pockets. After marriage, there’s rent to pay. And
there’s the coal bill to pay. And there’s the butcher to pay. Then his
mother-in-law comes to visit him and there’s the devil to pay.
* * * * *
Is the Lord everywhere?
Yes, my child.
Is he in our cellar?
Yes, dear.
He is not. We have no cellar.
* * * * *
A Chinaman is the greatest curiosity in the world because he has a head
and tail on the same end.
* * * * *
_Wife_--How did you get along while I was away?
_Husband_--I kept house for about ten days, and then I went boarding.
_Wife_--Boarding! Why didn’t you go on keeping house?
_Husband_--Couldn’t; all the dishes were dirty.
* * * * *
“What makes you so foolish?”
“It’s my mother’s fault.”
“Why, how is that?”
“She made me sleep under a crazy quilt.”
* * * * *
“And we have one baby,” said the meek man, who was applying for board;
“will you mind it?”
“Mind it!” snapped the thin-faced landlady. “Of course not! Do you
think I’m a nurse?”
* * * * *
“What did you get that bronze medal for?”
“For singing.”
“What did you get the gold one for?”
“For quitting.”
* * * * *
“I saw a couple of blue jays on Broadway, yesterday.”
“Yes. In a millinery store?”
“No, alive. They were jays from the country and they were blue with
cold.”
* * * * *
_Tourist_--“Pretty dull around here.”
_Rube_--“Jest now ’tis. Yew wait a couple of months and see how this
place’ll be stirred up.”
_Tourist_--“What’s going to happen?”
_Rube_--“Ploughin’.”
* * * * *
“I went into Macy’s last summer to get my wife a shirt-waist. She
wanted something extremely thin. So I said to the floor-walker, ‘Will
you show me the thinnest thing you’ve got in a shirt-waist?’”
“He said, ‘I would, but she’s just gone to lunch.’”
* * * * *
“If I like the Waldorf Astoria I’m going to buy it.”
“And if I was as drunk as you are I’d sell it to you right now.”
* * * * *
What is your business?