How did you come out?
At the gate.
* * * * *
“How old are you?”
“Some take me for fifteen.”
“Street cars take me for five.”
* * * * *
“Brown has seen many a man in a tight place.”
“What is he, a pawnbroker?”
“No, he’s a bartender.”
* * * * *
“Who is that woman you tipped your hat to this morning?”
“Ah, my boy, I owe a great deal to her.”
“Oh, your mother?”
“No, my washwoman.”
* * * * *
Say, do you want to get next to a scheme for making money fast?
Sure I do.
Glue it to the floor.
* * * * *
If I ever hit you, you will never forget it.
If I ever hit you, you will never remember it.
* * * * *
Why is the ankle between the foot and the knee? To keep the calf from
the corn.
* * * * *
“Can’t you read that sign up there? Ten dollars fine for smoking.”
“I am not superstitious, and don’t believe in signs.”
* * * * *
“I fell asleep in the grave-yard last night.”
“On the dead?”
* * * * *
“What are you doing now?”
“I’m working on the town clock.”
“If that’s so you must be working overtime.”
* * * * *
A girl goes into a store to buy garters.
“What kind?”
“Rubber.”
“I’d lose my job if I did.”
* * * * *
“I hear your uncle died and left his fortune to an orphan asylum.”
“Yes.”
“What did he leave?”
“Fifteen children.”
* * * * *
“Do you know ping-pong?”
“Sure! He washes my shirts.”
* * * * *
There was a German friend of mine who was quite sick for some time.
The doctor told him he might eat anything he wanted. He told his
wife he believed he would like some Limburger cheese. His wife was a
good-hearted woman; she went out and got twenty pounds of this distinct
cheese, and put some in every room in the house, that he might get a
nip whenever he wanted it (you can imagine the aroma in that house).
The doctor called the next morning, and rang the bell; when the servant
opened the door, the doctor paused a moment, then said, “When did he
die?”
* * * * *
“I guess I’ll go out and get the air.”
“If you do I’ll put words to it.”
* * * * *
Do you know that I invented smokeless tobacco.
What kind of tobacco is that?
Chewing.
* * * * *
When a man longs for money he is generally short.
* * * * *
“You have a big head this morning.”
“Yes; I was drinking lots of water last night.”
“Why, you can’t get drunk on water!”
“Certainly, my boy; you can get drunk on water just the same as you can
on land.”
* * * * *
A GIRL WANTED (in a bakery).--A _rising_ young woman from the
(y)east, must be _floury_ in speech, well _bread_ and not inclined
to _loaf_, not get _mixed up_, be _pie_-us and sober. To such a one
her _dough_ will be paid every night. Any suitable young girl able
to _cracker_ joke and _kneeding_ this job may apply to Miss LADY
FINGER or LUKE WARMWATER.
_Doughnut_ come unless well recommended. One preferred who can _roll
up_ and _turn over bun_-dles so quickly as to take the _cake_, but not
be _tart_, _snap_-py or _crust_-y or _puff_unctory in her conduct.
* * * * *
“Why does your wife use that pretty bathing suit?”
“Just as a matter of form. They’d arrest her, you know, if she went in
without it.”
* * * * *
“Does your wife miss you much?”
“No; she can throw as straight as I can.”
* * * * *
“Did you ever see a pig wash?”
“No, but I saw pig iron.”
* * * * *
“How is your farm this year?”
“A failure. My potatoes had no eyes and they couldn’t see to grow.”
* * * * *
_She_--I hid a $5 bill in this dictionary yesterday and I can’t find it
anywhere.
_He_--Did you look among the Vs, dear?
* * * * *