How is that?
He is a night-watchman and sleeps day times.
* * * * *
“Were you moved when the old gentleman said you could never marry his
daughter?” “Yes; I was moved half way across the sidewalk.”
* * * * *
“I hear you had some money left you.” “Yes, it left me long ago.”
* * * * *
“What makes that fat boy talk so much?” “Oh! can’t you see he’s got a
double chin?”
* * * * *
“What is the height of your ambition, dear?” “Oh, something between
five and a half and six feet.”
* * * * *
“How do you make chickens good fighters?”
“Feed them scraps.”
* * * * *
A man thrown from a horse, the other day, said, as he picked himself
up, that he thought he had improved in horsemanship, but, instead had
fallen off.
* * * * *
Noah, when he lit a candle, made the first Ark light.
* * * * *
“What did you have at the first saloon you stopped at?” asked a lawyer
of a witness in an assault and battery case.
“What did we have? Four glasses of beer, sir.”
“What next?”
“Two glasses of whiskey.”
“Next?”
“One glass of brandy.”
“Next?”
“A FIGHT.”
* * * * *
“I’m up against it,” said the wall-paper.
“Hard luck,” replied the horse-shoe over the door.
“Cut it out,” cried the scissors.
“Well, I’ve been walked on lately, too,” remarked the carpet.
“I’ll get some one to look into this,” said the mirror.
“Needn’t,” said the desk, “I haven’t any kick. Everything is all write
for mine.”
“Oh, shut up,” shouted the window shutters.
Whereupon the gas became very angry and, after flaring up, got hot
under the collar, and saying that he refused to throw any light on the
matter, went out.
* * * * *
“So you were only seventeen when you married? Well, you didn’t have to
wait long for a husband, did you?”
“Not then, but I do now. He’s at the club five nights a week.”
* * * * *
There was an epidemic of measles at our county jail last summer and all
the prisoners “broke out.”
* * * * *
At dinner the other day there was a young lady dining opposite me.
I asked her to pass the ice-cream. She did so and I took one big
spoonful. I cried like a child. It was horseradish. The young lady
asked the cause of my grief. I told her I was thinking of old times and
a brother who was hung in Montana. I passed her the “cream.” She took
a spoonful and wept copiously. I inquired why she was crying and she
said: “I’m crying because you weren’t hung the same time your brother
was.”
* * * * *
An acrobat practising a “backward spring” had an “early fall.”
* * * * *
Is your father still running a bunco game?
My father runs a hotel.
Well, that’s the same thing,--he’s bunking people.
* * * * *
My son is an acrobat; he tumbled on a banana peel yesterday.
* * * * *
What is a strait?
A rubber-neck.
No, it is a neck running out to sea.
Well, ain’t that a rubber-neck?
* * * * *
Two dentists had a fight the other day and the result was a “draw.” A
man who was doing some “bridge work” near by saw the fight and had them
arrested. One was discharged because he had a “pull” with the judge;
the other dentist is now “filling” in time.
* * * * *
“I don’t like the way Mr. Jones kisses you.”
“Don’t find fault, papa; remember he’s only just beginning!”
* * * * *
A man stole ten thousand dollars in New York and settled in Canada.
* * * * *
“My dear, why are you saving those old fly-papers?” “Why, you said you
always have to buy flies when you go fishing.”
* * * * *
A church choir played a game of ball the other day. The preacher came
out to the ground to compare “notes,” but made a “short stop,” and when
the “tenor” got put out on “first bass” they went home “alto”-gether.
* * * * *
“My husband has given up smoking.”
“It must have taken some will-power.”
“All I had.”
* * * * *
“It’s my treat to-night,” said the summer youth, as he bought the ice
cream for the girls on the piazza.
“That’s all right,” said the doctor. “I will treat to-morrow.”
* * * * *
Did you ever hear about the egg in the coffee?
No.
That settles it.
* * * * *
“What’s the difference between the mumps and the measles?”
“Why, in the mumps you shut up and in the measles you break out.”
* * * * *
_Inventor_--If this invention doesn’t work, I’ll--
_Wife_ (alarmed)--W-what, Frank?
_Inventor_--Have to!
* * * * *
“What drove you to drink?”
“Thirst.”
* * * * *
A colored man by the name of Berry was working for a farmer (who was
somewhat of a wag). Addressing him one morning, he said, “Go gather in
the straw, Berry, and tell the young boys to pick the goose, Berry; the
older ones the elder, Berry; the girls the black, Berry, and don’t look
so blue, Berry.”
* * * * *
“I guess your wife made a deep impression on you.”
“Oh, yes, twice.”
“Twice?”
“Yes, once when we first met and another time she hit me on the head
with a rolling pin.”
* * * * *
“I suppose she has something saved for a rainy day?”
“Oh, yes; an umbrella and a mackintosh.”
* * * * *
Two young ladies took a long tramp through the woods. Who brought him
back?
* * * * *
“Hello! waiter, where is that ox tail soup?”
“Coming, sir--half a minute.”
“Confound you! How slow you are.”
“Fault of the soup, sir. Ox tail is always behind.”
* * * * *
“Were you cool in battle?” “Cool--why, I shivered.”
* * * * *