* * * * *
I went to church last Sunday and lost my umbrella. I got up in the
congregation and said if I didn’t get my umbrella I would come here
next Sunday and mention the party’s name that had it. Next morning when
I woke up, my back yard was full of umbrellas.
* * * * *
If your stomach continues to trouble you, you will have to diet.
What color do you prefer?
* * * * *
When you put on your stockings, why are you sure to make a mistake?
Because you put your foot in it.
* * * * *
“Did I ever tell you the story about the empty box?”
“You did not. Tell me about it.”
“No use--there’s nothing in it.”
* * * * *
“The President is going to have his name stamped on eighty million
toothpicks.”
“Yes. He wants his name in everybody’s mouth.”
* * * * *
When I die I’m going to take all my gold and silver with me.
Don’t you do it.
Why?
Because it will melt where you are going.
* * * * *
Oh, I’m the flower of my family, all right.
I wonder if that’s what your brother meant yesterday when he said you
were a blooming idiot?
* * * * *
The young man in love doesn’t care so much about having a yacht at sea
as having a little smack ashore.
* * * * *
How do you spell mule?
M-l-e.
That isn’t right; you left something out.
Yes. I left _you_ out.
* * * * *
“How are you to-day?”
“Oh, I can’t kick.”
“Thought you were ill.”
“I am--I have the gout.”
* * * * *
A little girl went to the drug store for some pills.
“Anti-bilious?” asked the clerk. “No, sir. It’s my uncle,” replied the
little girl.
* * * * *
That’s my umbrella you have there.
Well, I got it in a pawnshop.
Yes, I soaked it away for a rainy day.
* * * * *
“Yes, I have seen the day when Mr. Rich, the millionaire, did not have
a pair of shoes to cover his feet.”
“And when was that, pray?”
“At the time he was bathing.”
* * * * *
How do you like my suit?
A beautiful suit; who made it?
Carrie Nation.
Why, is she a tailor?
Yes, she made all the saloonkeepers close.
* * * * *
What are you crying about?
A horse ran away with my brother, threw him out of the carriage, and he
has been laid up for six months.
Why, that’s nothing. My brother had a terrible accident, too; only his
was different; he ran away with the horse. He’s laid up now for six
years.
* * * * *
What are you doing now?
I’m brakes-man on a canal boat.
What are the duties of a brakes-man on a canal boat?
Breaking up wood for the cook.
* * * * *