_Giving a farther account of him; the corruptions he struggled
against, and the means he made use of to subdue them, from the
sixteenth to the eighteenth year of his age._
NOW, both his sins and convictions daily encreased upon him. The desire
of the flesh in particular raged in his nature, and it wanted not its
frequent and prevalent incitements. Now likewise he began to assume
the man, and kept more company than before, which not a little inflamed
his besetting sin. Temptations from without were multiplied, and there
wanted not opportunities and solicitations from the devil and nature to
defile himself before the Lord. But still the preventing grace of God
restrained him from sinning against him, in the actual transgression.
This indeed, tho’ it did not, could not, exempt from guilt, fear and
shame, considering the purity of the gospel law, nevertheless became
justly matter of his thanksgiving to God. “I do (says he) praise God
unfeignedly, for with-holding me from my own actual wickedness, and
preventing my leading others into the cursed and detestable abomination.
But I abhor and condemn myself for the concupiscence and wickedness
of my heart, which (with grief and horror God knoweth I speak it!)
discovered itself in other respects, such as it is a shame even to
mention. Of this no human eye could be a witness.” But God, his holy
angels, and his own conscience were more than ten thousand witnesses
against him.
And now, at length, his life became a burden to him, almost
insupportable. His true character at this time was, _O wretched man
that I am! who shall deliver me!_ He felt “indwelling sin, indwelling
hell,” and breathed in many a groan,
O what is life without my God?
A burden more than I can bear.
I struggle to throw of my load,
Me from myself I strive to tear!
“The Spirit of God (says he) deeply wounded me. _The arrows of the
almighty_ stuck fast in me, and my very bones trembled because of my
sin. I was persuaded in my heart that this commotion was conviction for
my sin; but had little conception that the Holy Spirit was the chief
agent in the work: for alas! So great was my ignorance that I did not
know there was _any Holy Ghost_ for _me_ to receive.”
“While I was thus in the midst of my extremity, I _confessed_ to the
priest according to the custom of the church of _Rome_. He advised me
to say many prayers (as he termed counting my beads) but alas! This did
not do: and indeed how should it? I was brought into captivity through
the power of _sin which reigned in my members_. And even my multiplied
prayers could be little else than an abomination to the Lord, while
neither the form, nor the matter of them was according to the will
of God. Many of them being little else than vain repetitions, and
babblings to physicians of no value, in this respect; which therefore
left me under the power of _sin and death_.”
Indeed how else should it be? While he was yet unthought of; at least
unapplied to, who alone could help him; even Jesus, whose name is
salvation: and beside which, in heaven or in earth, there is none other,
by which a sinner can be saved. He it is that invites, and he only can,
and doth, give the _weary_ and the _heavy laden_, to find rest to their
souls, and who at length did “allay his fever of desire, by sprinkling
him with his blood.”
Hearing the priest preach one Lord’s day, and declaim vehemently
against a variety of gross sins, the discourse, tho’ (as his words
are) “mixed with many falsities,” so deeply affected him, that in the
anguish of his spirit, he resolved never more to return to house or
home, till God should shew him mercy. This precipitate and unadvised
resolution was however of short continuance. In fact, the commotion and
disordered state of his soul ill admitted of any thing uniformly steady
whether right or wrong, either by purpose or in practice: it therefore
soon vanished away, and he again sought by various ways to procure some
alleviation of his distress.
“I strove (says he) to divert myself in the best manner I could,
seeking rest and peace in the miserable comforts of this world. But
my conscience was still restless, and a hell opened in my breast.
Not knowing what to do, nor which way to turn for rest, I at length
attempted to quiet the clamours of my troubled mind, by solemnly
resolving how soberly, righteously, and godly I would live the residue
of my life. Full of these good purposes, and strengthened as I thought
by vows and promises, I hoped all would be well; having all this
while no idea of the satisfaction by Christ and the all-sufficiency
♦of his merits; and therefore, resolving only in my own strength, my
resolutions proved as broken cisterns, which could hold no comfort; and
as broken reeds, which afforded no strength!”
♦ duplicate word “of” removed
Struggling on still in the dark, he added fasting to his prayers and
resolutions. But all this did not do. He still found himself bound as
in _affliction and iron_. He remained in sore bondage, doing the evil
he would not, and not doing the good, which he would have done, (Romans
♦vii.) His convictions became still sharper and his fear of hell more
deeply distressing. Endeavouring therefore by some means or other to
procure rest for his soul, he had recourse to his former shifts, and
says, “I repeated my resolutions and vows against sin; but especially
whenever I fell into any outward wickedness; and above all, the _sin
that did so easily beset me_. Then I was as on the rack, and thro’
extremity of anguish, have frequently struck myself against the ground,
tearing the hairs from off my head.”
♦ “7” replaced with “vii” for consistency
His light began now to encrease with his painful feeling. “About this
time (says he) by reading, and the help of the holy Spirit, I began to
have a still clearer notion concerning the nature and consequences of
sin, and particularly of those which by the church of _Rome_ are termed
mortal sins.”
This increase of knowledge did not however mend, much less heal his
heart. No,
The sudden ray of heavenly light,
Which dimly dawned upon his night,
But made his darkness visible,
And left him to a deeper hell.
And even in this respect he found it true, that _he that encreaseth
knowledge, encreaseth sorrow_; a proposition which is universally
true, with respect to all the pursuits of the soul after happiness:
the knowledge of Jesus Christ, _and him crucified_, alone excepted.
Struggling therefore in his chains, he resolved upon other measures.
And finding that his prayers, tears, resolutions, and vows did not
avail, he devised another expedient, and came to this determination,
solemnly to swear to the Lord, imagining that then it would not be
possible that he should break with him afterwards, has had been the
case, with all his former efforts.
Accordingly he bound himself by an oath, that for the time to come
he would abstain from, and utterly renounce all those sins which had
wrought him so much uneasiness. This procedure begot in him for the
present, rather some cessation from torment, than true peace, and left
him for a while in deep security. But alas! It was not long ere he
found this band likewise was altogether weak as the staff of a broken
reed. He fell into one of those very sins, against the commission of
which he had so sacredly bound himself; involving by this means his
enlightened conscience in the additional guilt of (what he called)
perjury, and thus rendered his anxiety and embarrassment great beyond
description.
Who can conceive what his weary spirit now experienced! His
wretchedness and confusion exceeded all the powers of words to express.
Yea, he gave up hope; and became well nigh desperate. He knew not
whither to betake himself, or what should be his next step; reasoning
thus with himself in the bitterness of his soul, “Since I have perjured
myself in one instance, I may as well commit all my old sins over again.
Thus (adds he) I was driven by the devil, allured by sin and corruption,
and deceived by my own evil heart.”
About this time likewise, it pleased our Lord to visit him with a fit
of illness, by which his fears and misery were considerably increased.
He often bewailed himself in the uttermost anguish of spirit, with
weeping and lamentation, breathing out his soul in moans. “O the guilt
of sin; when charged home upon the conscience by the Spirit of God,
what an intolerable load! _A wounded spirit who can bear!_”
Thus, _being ignorant of God’s righteousness_; the way of becoming
righteous, or justified, which he hath appointed, he went _about to
establish_ his _own righteousness_, expecting to be justified _by the
works of the law_, and not _by the faith of Jesus Christ_.
He became _wearied in the multitude_ of his _counsels_, and seeking
not in God’s way it fared with him accordingly. For still, although
he sought for rest, he found it not, because he sought it not aright.
These were indeed the days of his invincible ignorance, at which
therefore the God of love graciously winked. He _knew_ not, because
as yet he had no one to _teach_ him. “How (as he says) could I do
otherwise? I had not the bible to instruct me; for I never had read
it, except a little at school, when I was about eleven years old. Woe
to you (he adds) ye blind guides (meaning the _Romish_ clergy) ye have
taken away the key of knowledge, that is, the word of God from the
people. It is this which unfolds the hidden treasures of his will, and
free grace towards mankind. While therefore I remained ignorant of this,
no wonder that I went on in error, and fought _as one that beateth the
air_.”
But now the true teacher began more powerfully to manifest himself to
him, although as yet he knew him not. _The spirit of truth proceeding
from the Father and the Son_, wrought in him daily, a still deeper
solicitude about his salvation. Among others of his reflections in
reference thereto, he began to think more seriously than ever, of the
doctrine of the church of _Rome_, and of his own connexions with her;
resolving that whatever might be the consequence, he would, both do,
and avoid, whatever appeared to him, nay in any measure contribute to
the true life of his soul. Thus, hitherto
“Drawn by a secret power he flew,
Nor stay’d to prop the papal throne,
The truth determined to pursue,
And panting for a God unknown;
By works of legal righteousness,
He blindly sought the grace t’obtain,
But could not find the paths of peace,
But labour’d thro’ the fire in vain.”