_Of his religion, and the struggle which he found between
nature and grace, till the sixteenth year of his age._
HIS parents (being as has been observed) members of, and strongly
attached to the church of _Rome_, brought him up in the same principles
and communion, and took care that his mind should be early furnished
with the first and fundamental parts of what they judged his duty
towards God.
“When (says he) I was young I learned the Lord’s prayer, and _Ave
Maria_, in _Irish_, together with the hundred and thirtieth psalm
in _Latin_; with the Popish augmentation thereto. And now I began to
imbibe that uncharitable, anti-scriptural opinion, that all dissenters
from the church of _Rome_ were heretics, and in a state of damnation.
But, since the Lord hath enlightened my understanding, I am fully
convinced that therein I greatly erred, _not knowing the scriptures,
neither the power of God_.
“I cannot but lament the case of those parents, who alas! not knowing
what they do, endeavour to instill into the minds of their children
such pernicious principles: and I do earnestly intreat all children,
as soon as they come to years of discretion, to examine, and judge for
themselves.”
It pleased our Lord to work in his heart very early. He made him bear
the yoke in his youth, and by his terrors restrained him from excess,
and the great offence. “Even while I was young and ignorant (says he)
God was striving with me, and often terrified my heart: especially
whenever I thought of the day of judgment, and of eternity!
“At those times especially, I frequently repeated the prayers I had
learnt. But alas! to how little purpose? While I prayed neither with
the spirit, nor with understanding. My heart was hard and stubborn, and
my understanding was blind and foolish. I had no just conception either
of God, or of religion. Nay, so great was my ignorance, that when I
named our Saviour in _Irish_, I thought the name belonged to some woman
in heaven.
“While I was thus foolish, and blind (_even as a beast before thee!_)
my fallen nature began powerfully to discover itself. The seed of the
serpent working in my heart, broke forth in words and in deeds. Now
pride, anger, and self-will especially, reigned over me. But alas!
I then little knew that those accursed tempers proceeded from that
source of universal disorder, and all human miseries, _original sin_.
I believed that this had brought temporal death into the world, and
great disorder into the whole state of the visible creation: but of its
subjecting the soul to spiritual, and exposing it to eternal death, I
had no apprehension. I had, it is true, conviction whenever I did amiss;
told a lie, or fell into any other outward sin. But the Spirit of God,
and the holy scriptures alone, I now plainly see, could convince me
that my tempers deserved the damnation of hell. And hitherto I was
ignorant of both.
“When I was about eight years old, I began to love play, and divers
other silly pleasures, spending the time I was out of school in
catching of birds, playing at ball, and the like. My fondness for these
occasioned my frequently breaking the sabbath, which I usually spent
either in these vain amusements, or in reading some profane history,
or other unprofitable book; and indeed no one so much as told me, that
these kinds of employments were any violation of the Lord’s day: my
parents, like the rest of their neighbours, esteeming them innocent
diversions, harmless amusements.
“I did not then know that I ought not on this day _to do mine own
pleasure, to speak mine own words_, or think my own thoughts; that I
ought to spend it wholly in glorifying God, by praying to him, hearing
his word, and reading and meditating therein; _calling the sabbath a
delight, the holy of the Lord, honourable_.¹ O the curse of ignorance
and evil example! How many souls do these lead into the broad way of
destruction! How happy would it have been for my poor soul, if I had
known and _remembered my Creator in the days of my youth_! Had I been
_brought up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord_; had I _known
the scriptures from my childhood_!² How would it have contributed
to prevent my wrong conceptions, and to regulate, at least, in some
measure, my whole conduct.
¹ Isaiah lvii. 13.
² Ecclesiastes xii. 1. Ephesians vi. 4. 2 Timothy iii. 15.
“From the tenth to the fourteenth year of my age, my corruptions
increased, took deeper root, and more visibly appeared in my whole
conversation: and yet I was more regular and conscientious in
discharging my duty towards God. (So I was taught to call a dull form
of words, part of which only were addressed to God, and the greatest
part to saints and angels.) My parents according to custom brought me
at the usual times to the priest, who examined me concerning the _Pater
Noster_, _Ave Maria_, and _credo in Deum_, with some other rites of the
church of _Rome_. But alas! to how little purpose? It made me neither
wiser, nor better. Some part, it is true, of what he taught me, was
according to the word of God; but the greater part entirely repugnant
thereto, and to all truth and righteousness. But I knew not then how
to distinguish between the truths of God, and the traditions of men,
having had no knowledge of _the law and the testimony_, the only
infallible touchstone of doctrine and practice. He might therefore have
imposed whatever he pleased upon me; and the rather, as I was taught to
believe whatever he said, and to consider it as coming from the mouth
of God. Indeed I could not help observing even then, that several of
those reverend gentlemen frequently erred in practice: tho’ still I
thought they were infallible as to doctrine.
“After this catechising, I became more inquisitive, and began to
read books of devotion. These I found for the present had their use.
Whenever I read of the passion of our Saviour; the love of God to
sinners; the joys of heaven, or the miseries of the damned, my heart
became deeply affected; and much desire towards God enkindled in my
soul.” But alas! it soon died away again, becoming like the _morning
cloud_. The inconstancy and corruption of his heart, easily prevailing
over those divine, but transient impressions.
“From the fourteenth to the sixteenth year of my age, I had more of the
form, though less of the power of godliness, than even before. I now
attended the public worship (that is, went to mass) and every night
repeated my prayers, which were indeed no better than vain repetitions.
But still, pride, anger, self-will, and revenge more powerfully
prevailed over me than ever: and I added to these my former prevailing
abominations, lies and evil words. Indeed I had an entire aversion
to cursing and swearing in the gross sense; but abounded in petty
oaths and bad wishes. Of this sort there are legions in the _Irish_
language;” perhaps more, and more wickedly expressive than in any other
language. “Being at play, I remember one day, and provoked by one of
my play-fellows, I swore (horror to think!) by the glorious name of
Jehovah (to the best of my remembrance I never did so before, nor ever
since). In that instant I felt I had grievously sinned against God, and
deserved his wrath and heavy displeasure.”
“To the rest of my evils I joined disobedience to my parents. Indeed
I dared not shew it outwardly, to my father especially, whom I so
dreaded as often to tremble for fear of him. But my heart was hard and
stubborn.” One instance of this he mentions which wrought him many a
bitter reflection afterwards; for years he hardly ever thought of it
without being deeply affected with shame and sorrow. Having one day
thro’ his stubbornness greatly provoked his mother, and given her a
wicked and impertinent answer, she said to him “You have grieved me.”
“It went like an arrow through my heart. I knew the fifth commandment
(the fourth indeed I then called it according to the custom of the
church of _Rome_) strictly forbids disobedience to parents, and that to
honour them, is _the first commandment with promise_. Justly therefore
was I condemned. But, O God! How little is it to be wondered at, that I
did not rightly love, neither was obedient to my earthly parents, while
I knew neither love, nor obedience towards thee, my Father, who art in
heaven? Well do I know now (and praised be thy love for this knowledge)
that such as are froward towards thee, will, while they remain so,
never be truly a comfort to their parents.” They may indeed, pay an
outward compliance, and a seemingly dutiful subjection, as is often
seen even among professed worldlings; but cordially and disinterestedly
to love, honour and reverence our parents, can only be the effect of
subjection in heart and life to the _Father of spirits_. So universally
true is it, that “A foe to God, was ne’er _true_ friend to man.”