_Carolostadius_ scolded leuell coile. A masse of words I wot well they
heapt vp against the masse and the Pope, but farther perticulars of
their disputations I remember not. I thought verily they woulde haue
worried one another with wordes, they were so earnest and vehement.
_Luther_ had the louder voice, _Carolostadius_ went beyond him in
beating and bounsing with his fists, _Quæ supra nos nihil ad nos_. They
vttered nothing to make a man laugh, therefore I wil leaue them. Mary
theyr outward iestures now and then would affoorde a man a morsell of
mirth: of those two I meane not so much, as of all the other traine of
opponents and respondents. One peckte like a crane with his forefinger
at euery halfe sillable he brought forth, and nodded with his nose like
an olde singing man, teaching a yong querister to keepe time. Another
would be sure to wipe his mouth with his handkercher at the end of
euerie full point And euer when he thought he had cast a figure
so curiously, as he diu'de ouer head and eares into his auditors
admiration, hee would take occasion to stroke vp his haire, and twine
vp his mustachios twice or thrice ouer while they might haue leasure
to applaud him. A third wauerd and wagled his head, like a proud horse
playing with his bridle, or as I haue seene some fantasticall swimmer,
at euerie stroke, traine his chin sidelong ouer his left shoulder. A
fourth swet and foamed at the mouth, for verie anger his aduersarie
had denied that part of his sillogisme which he was not prepared to
aunswere. A fifth spread his armes like an vsher that goes before to
make roome, and thript with his finger & his thumbe when he thought he
had tickled it with a conclusion. A sixt hung downe his countenance lyke
a sheepe, and stutted and slauered verie pittifully when his inuention
was stept aside out of the waie. A seuenth gaspt and gapt for winde,
and groned in his pronunciation as if he were hard bound in some bad
argument. Grosse plodders they were all, that had some learning and
reading, but no wit to make vse of it They imagined the Duke tooke the
greatest pleasure and contentment vnder heauen to heare them speak.
Latine, and as long as they talkt nothing but _Tully_ he was bound to
attend them. A most vaine thing it is in many vniuersities at this daye,
that they count him excellent eloquent, who stealeth not whole phrases
but whole pages out of _Tully_. If of a number of shreds of his
sentences he can shape an oration, from all the world hee carries
it awaie, although in truth it be no more than a fooles coat of many
coulours. No inuention or matter haue they of theyr owne, but tacke vp
a stile of his stale galimafries. The leaden headed Germanes first began
this, and we Englishmen haue surfetted of their absurd imitation. I
pittie _Nizolius_ that had nothing to doe, but picke thrids ends out of
an olde ouerworne garment. This is but by the waie, we must looke backe
to our disputants. One amongst the rest thinking to be more conceited
than his fellowes, seeing the Duke haue a dog hee loued well, which sate
by him on the tarras, conuerted all his oration to him, and not a haire
of his taile but he kembd out with comparisons. So to haue courted
him if he were a bitch had bin verie suspitious. Another commented
& descanted on the Dukes staffe, new tipping it with many queint
epithites. Some cast his natiuitie, and promised him he should not
die till the daie of Judgement Omitting further superfluities of this
stampe, in this general assembly we found intermixed that abundant
scholler _Cornelius Agrippa_. At that time he bare the fame to be the
greatest coniurer in Christendome. _Scoto_ that did the iugling trickes
here before the Queene, neuer came neere him one quarter in magicke
reputation. The Doctors of Wittenberg doting on the rumour that went
of him, desired him before the Duke and them to doe something
extraordinarie memorable.
One requested to see pleasant _Plautus_, & that he would shew them
in what habite hee went, and with what countenaunce he lookt, when he
ground corne in the mill. Another had halfe a moneths minde to _Ouid_
and his hooke nose. _Erasmus_ who was not wanting to that honourable
meeting, requested to see _Tully_ in that same grace and maiestie he
pleaded his Oration _pro Roscio Amerino_. Affirming, that til in person
he beheld his importunitie of pleading, he woulde not be perswaded anie
man coulde carrie awaie a manifest case with rethorike, so straungely.
To _Erasmus_ petition he easily condiscended, and willing the Doctours
at such an houre to holde theyr conuocation, and euerie one to keepe him
in his place without mouing: at the time prefixed in entered _Tully_,
ascended his pleading place, and declaimed verbatim the fornamed
Oration, but with such astonishing amazement, with such feruent
exaltation of spirite, with such soule-stirring iestures, that all his
auditours were readie to install his guiltie client for a God.
Greate was the concourse of glorie _Agrippa_ drewe to him with this one
feate. And in deede hee was so cloyed with men which came to beholde
him, that hee was fayne sooner than hee woulde, to returne to the
Emperours court from whence hee came, and leaue Wittenberg before hee
woulde. With him we trauelled along, hauing purchast his acquaintance a
little before. By the waie as wee went, my master and I agreed to change
names. It was concluded betwixte vs, that I shoulde bee the Earle of
Surrie, and hee my man, onely because in his owne person, which hee
woulde not haue reproched, he meant to take more libertie of behauiour.
As for my carryage hee knew hee was to tune it at a key, eyther high or
low, or as hee list.
To the Emperours Court wee came, where our entertainment was euerie waie
plentifull, carouses wee had in whole galons in stead of quart pots. Not
a health was giuen vs but contayned well neere a hogshead. The customes
of the Countrie we were eager to be instructed in, but nothing we coulde
learne but this, that euer at the Emperours coronation there is an Oxe
roasted with a stagge in the belly, and that stagge in his belly hath a
kidde, and that kidde is stufte full of birdes. Some courtiers to wearie
out time woulde tell vs further tales of _Cornelius Agrippa_, and how
when sir _Thomas Moore_ our countrieman was there, hee shewed him the
whole destruction of Troy in a dreame. How the Lorde _Cromwell_ being
the kings Embassador there, in lyke case, in a perspectiue glasse he set
before his eyes, King Henrie the eight with all his Lordes hunting in
his forrest at Windsore, and when he came into his studie, and was verie
vrgent to be partaker of some rare experiment, that he might report when
he came into England, he wilde him amongst two thousande great bookes to
take downe which he list, and begin to reade one line in anie place, and
without booke he woulde rehearse twentie leaues following. _Cromwell_
dyd so, and in manye bookes tride him, when in euerie thing hee exceeded
his promise and conquered his expectation. To _Charles_ the fifte
then Emperour, they reported how he shewed the nine worthies, _Dauid,
Salomon, Gedeon_, and the rest, in that similitude and lykenesse that
they liued vpon earth. My master and I hauing by the high waie side
gotten some reasonable familiarities with him, vpon this accesse of
myracles imputed to him, resolued to request him something in our owne
behalfes. I because I was his suborned Lorde and master, desired him to
see the liuely image of _Geraldine_ his loue in the glasse, and what at
that instant she did, and with whome shee was talking. Hee shewed her
vs without more adoe, sicke weeping on her bedde, and resolued all into
deuoute religion for the absence of her Lorde. At the sight thereof hee
coulde in no wise refrayne, though hee had tooke vppon him the condition
of a seruant, but hee must forthwith frame this extemporall Dittie.
_All soule, no earthly fleshy why dost thou fade,
All gold, no worthlesse drosse, why lookst thou pale,
Sicknesse how darst thou one so faire inuadey
Too base infirmitie to worke her bale,
Heauen be distemperd since she grieuedpines,
Neuer be drie these my sadplaintiue lines.
Pearch thou my spirit on her siluer breasts,
And with theirpaine redoubled musike beatings,
Let them tosse thee to world where all toile rests,
Where blisse is subiect to nofeares defeatings,
Her praise I tune whose tongue doth tune the sphears,
And gets new muses in her hearers eares.
Starres fall to fetch fresh light from her rich eyes,
Her bright brow driues the Sunne to clouds beneath,
Her hair es reflexe with red strokes paints the skies,
Sweet morne and euening deaw flowes from her breath:
Phoebe rules tides, she my teares tides forth drawesy
In her sicke bed hue sits and maketh lawes.
Her daintie limbes tinsel I her silke soft sheets,
Her rose-crownd cheekes eclipse my daze led sight,
O glasse with too much ioy my thoughts thou greets,
And yet thou shewst me day but by twielight
Ile kisse thee for the kindnesse I hauefelt,
Her lips one kisse would vnto Nectar melt._
Though the Emperors court, and the extraordinaire edifieng companie of
_Cornelius Agrippa_ might haue beene arguments of waight to haue arested
vs a little longer there, yet Italy stil stuck as a great moat in my
masters eie, he thought he had trauelled no farther tha Wales til he had
tooke suruey of that Countrie which was such a curious moulder of wits.
To cut off blinde ambages by the high way side, we made a long stride
& got to Venice in short time, where hauing scarce lookt about vs,
a precious supernaturall pandor, apparelled in all points like a
gentleman, and hauing halfe a dosen seuerall languages in his purse,
entertained vs in our owne tongue verie paraphrastically and eloquently,
and maugre all other pretended acquaintance, would haue vs in a violent
kinde of curtesie to be the guests of his appointment. His name was
_Petro de campo Frego_, a notable practitioner in the pollicy of
baudrie. The place whether he brought vs, was a pernicious curtizans
house named _Tabitha_ the Temptresses, a wench that could set as ciuill
a face on it, as chastities first martyr _Lucrecia_. What will you
conceit to bee in anie Saintes house that was there to seeke? Bookes,
pictures, beades, crucifixes, why there was a haberdashers shop of
them in euerie chamber. I warrant you should not see one set of her
neckercher peruerted or turned awrie, not a piece of a haire displast.
On her beddes there was not a wrinkle of anie wallowing to be founde,
her pillowes bare out as smooth as a groning wiues belly, & yet she was
a Turke and an infidell, and had more dooinges than all her neighbours
besides. Us for our money they vsed lyke Emperours, I was master as you
hearde before, and my master the Earle was but as my chiefe man whome I
made my companion. So it happened (as iniquitie will out at one time or
other) that she perceiuing my expence had no more ventes than it should
haue, fell in with my supposed semant my man, and gaue him halfe a
promise of marriage, if he woulde helpe to make me away, that she and he
might inioy the iewels and wealth that I had.
The indifficultie of the condition thus she explaind vnto him, her
house stood vpon vaults, which in two hundred yeeres together were
neuer searcht, who came into her house none tooke notice of, his fellow
seruants that knewe of his masters abode there, should be all dispatcht
by him as from his master, into sundrie partes of the citie about
busines, and when they returned, answere should bee made that hee lay
not there anie more, but had remoued to Padua since their departure, &
thether they must follow him. Now (quoth she) if you be disposed to make
him awaie in their absence, you shall haue my house at command. Stab,
poison, or shoote him through with a pistol all is one, into the vault
he shall be throwen when the deede is done. On my bare honestie it was
a craftie queane, for she had enacted with her selfe if he had bin
my legitimate seruant, as he was one that serued and supplied my
necessities, when hee had murthered me, to haue accused him of the
murther, and made all that I had hers (as I carryed all my masters
wealth, monie, iewels, rings, or bils of exchaunge continually about
me.) He verie subtilly consented to her stratageme at the first motion,
kill me he woulde, that heauens could not withstand, and a pistoll was
the predestinate engin which must deliuer the parting blow. God wot I
was a rawe young squier, and my master dealt iudasly with me, for he
tolde mee but euerie thing that she and he agreed of. Wherfore I
could not possibly preuent it, but as a man woulde saie auoide it. The
execution daie aspired to his vtmost deuolution, into my chamber came
my honourable attendant with his pistoll charged by his side verie
suspitiously and sullenly, lady _Tabitha_ and _Petro de catnpo Frego_
her pandor followed him at the hard heeles. At theyr enterance I saluted
them all verie familiarly and merily, and began to impart vnto them what
disquiet dreames had disturbed me the last night I dreamd, quoth I, that
my man _Brunquell_ heere (for no better name got he of mee) came into my
chamber with a pistoll charged vnder his arme to kill me, and that hee
was suborned by you mistres _Tabitha_, and my verie good friend
here _Petro de campo Frego_. God send it tourne to good, for it hath
afrighted mee aboue measure. As they were readie to enter into a
colourable common place of the deceitful friuolousnes of dreames, my
trustie seruant _Brunquell_ stoode quiuering and quaking euerie ioynt
of him, and (as it was before compacted between vs) let his pistoll drop
from him on the sodain, wherwith I started out of my bed, and drew my
rapier and cride murther, murther, which made good wife _Tabitha_ readie
to bepisse her.
My seruant, or my master, which you will, I tooke roughly by the coller,
and threatned to run him thorough incontinent if he confest not the
truth. He as it were striken with remorse of conscience (God be with
him, for he could counterfeit most daintily) downe on his knees, askt
me forgiuenes, and impeached _Tabitha_ and _Petro de catnpo Frego_ as
guiltie of subornation. I verie mildly and grauely gaue him audience,
raile on them I did not after his tale was ended, but sayd I would trie
what the lawe coulde doe. Conspiracie by the custome of their countrie
was a capitall offence, and what custome or iustice might affoord
they should be all sure to feele. I could (quoth I) acquite my selfe
otherwise, but it is not for a straunger to bee his owne caruer in
reuenge. Not a worde more with _Tabitha_ but die she would before God
or the deuill would haue her, she sounded and reuiued, and then sounded
againe, and after shee reuiued again sighed heauily, spoke faintly
and pittifully, yea and so pittifully, as if a man had not knowen the
prankes of harlots before, he would haue melted in comiseration. Tears,
sighs, and dolefull tuned wordes could not make anie forcible claime
to my stonie eares, it was the glistering crownes that I hungered and
thirsted after, and with them for all her mock holyday iestures she
was faine to come off, before I woulde condiscend to anie bargaine of
silence. So it fortuned (fie vpon that vnfortunate word of Fortune) yt
this whore, this quean, this curtizan, this common of ten thousand, so
bribing me not to bewray her, had giuen me a great deale of counterfeit
gold, which she had receiued of a coiner to make awaie a little before.
Amongst the grosse summe of my briberie, I silly milkesop mistrusting no
deceit, vnder an angell of light tooke what she gaue me, nere turnd it
ouer, for which (O falsehood in faire shew) my master and I had like
to haue bin turned ouer. Hee that is a knight arrant, exercised in the
affaires of Ladies and Gentlewomen, hath more places to send mony to,
than the diuell hath to send his spirites to. There was a delicate wench
called _Flauia Aemilia_ lodging in S. Markes streete at a Goldsmiths,
which I would faine haue had to the grand test, to trie whether she were
currant in alcumie or no. Aie me, shee was but a counterfeit slip, for
she not only gaue me the slip, but had welnie made me a slipstring. To
her I sent my gold to beg an hour of grace, ah gracelesse fornicatresse,
my hostesse & she wer confederate, who hauing gotten but one piece of my
ill golde into their kandes, deuised the meanes to make me immortall.
I could drinke for anger till my head akt, to think how I was abused.
Shall I shame the deuill and speake the truth, to prison was I sent as
principall, and my master as accessarie, nor was it to a prison neither,
but to the master of the mints house who though partly our iudge, and
a most seuere vpright iustice in his own nature, extreamly seemed to
condole our ignorant estate, and without all peraduenture a present
redresse he had ministred, if certaine of our countrie men hearing an
English earle was apprehended for coining, had not come to visite vs. An
ill planet brought them thether, for at the first glance they knew the
seruant of my secrecies to be the Earle of Surrey, and I (not worthie
to be named I) an outcast of his cup or his pantofles. Thence, thence
sprong the full period of our infelicitie. The master of the mint our
whilome refresher and consolation, now tooke part against vs, he thought
we had a mint in our head of mischieuous conspiracies against their
state. Heauens bare witnes with vs it was not so, (Heauens wyll not
always come to witnes when they are cald.)
To a straiter ward were we comitted: that which we haue imputatiuely
transgressed must beaunswered. O the heathen heigh passe, and the
intrinsecall legerdemain of our special approued good pandor _Petro de
Campo Frego_. Hee although he dipt in the same dish with vs euerie daie,
seeming to labor our cause verie importunatly, and had interpreted
for vs to the state from y beginning, yet was one of those trecherous
brother _Trulies_, and abused vs most darkly. He interpreted to vs
with a pestilence, for whereas we stood obstinatly vpon it, we were
wrongfully deteined, and that it was naught but a malicious practise of
sinfull _Tabitha_ our late hostesse, he by a fine conny-catching corrupt
translation, made vs plainely to confesse, and crie _Miserere_, ere we
had need of our neckverse.
Detestable, detestable, that the flesh and the deuill shoulde deale
by their factors. He stand to it, there is not a pandor but hath vowed
paganisme. The deuill himselfe is not such a deuill as he, so be he
performe his function aright. He must haue the backe of an asse, the
snout of an elephant, the wit of a foxe, and the teeth of a wolfe, he
must faune like a spaniell, crouch like a Jew, Here like a sheepbiter.
If he be halfe a puritan, and haue scripture continually in his mouth,
he speeds the better. I can tell you it is a trade of great promotion,
and let none euer thinke to mount by seruice in forain courts, or creep
neere to some magnifique Lords, if they be not seene in this science.
O it is the art of arts, and ten thousand times goes beyond the
intelligencer. None but a staid graue ciuill man is capable of it, he
must haue exquisite courtship in him or else he is not old who, he wants
the best point in his tables.
God be mercifull to our pandor (and that were for God to worke a
miracle) he was seene in all the seuen liberall deadly sciences, not a
sinne but he was as absolute in as sathan himselfe. Sathan could neuer
haue supplanted vs so as hee did. I may saie to you he planted in vs the
first Italionate wit that we had. During the time we lay close and toke
phisick in this castle of contemplation, there was a Magnificos wife
of good calling sent in to beare vs companie. Her husbands name was
_Castaldo_, she hight _Diamante_, the cause of her committing was an
vngrounded ielous suspition which her doating husbande had conceiued of
her chastitie. One _Isaac Medicus_ a bergomast was the man hee chose
to make him a monster, who beeing a courtier and repairing to his house
very often, neither for loue of him nor his wife, but onely with a drift
to borrowe monie of a pawne of waxe and parchment, when he sawe his
expectation deluded, and that _Castaldo_ was too charie for him to
close with, he priuily with purpose of reuenge, gaue out amongest his
copesmates, that hee resorted to _Castaldos_ house for no other end
but to cuckolde him, & doubtfully he talkt that he had and he had not
obtained his sute. Rings which he borrowed of a light curtizan that he
vsed to, hee woulde faine to bee taken from her fingers, and in summe,
so handled the matter, that _Castaldo_ exclaimd, Out whore, strumpet,
sixe penny hackster, away with her to prison.
As glad were we almost as if they had giuen vs libertie, that fortune
lent vs such a sweet puefellow. A pretie round faced wench was it, with
blacke cie browes, a high forehead, a litle mouth, and a sharpe nose, as
fat and plum euerie part of her as a plouer, a skin as slike and soft as
the backe of a swan, it doth me good when I remember her. Like a birde
she tript on the ground, and bare out her belly as maiesticall as
an Estrich. With a licorous rouling eie fixt percing on the earth, &
sometimes scornfully darted on the tone side, she figured foorth a high
discontented disdain, much like a prince puffing and storming at the
treason of some mightie subiect fled lately out of his power. Her verie
countenance repiningly wrathfull, and yet cleere and vnwrinkled, would
haue confirmed the cleernes of her conscience to the austerest iudge
in the world. If in any thing she were culpable, it was in being too
melancholy chast, and shewing her selfe as couetous of her beautie as
her husband was of his bags. Many are honest because they knowe not
how to be dishonest: she thought there was no pleasure in stolne
bread, because there was no pleasure in an olde mans bed. It is almost
impossible that anie woman should be excellently wittie, and not make
the vtmost pennie of her beautie. This age and this countrie of ours
admits of some miraculous exceptions, but former times are my constant
informers. Those that haue quicke motions of wit, haue quicke motions
in euerie thing: yron onely needes many strokes, onely yron wits are not
wonne without a long siege of intreatie. Golde easily bends, the most
ingenious mindes are easiest moued, _Ingenium nobis molle Thalia dedit_,
saith _Psapho_ to _Phao_. Who hath no mercifull milde mistres, I will
maintaine, hath no wittie but a clownish dull flegmatike puppie to his
mistres.
This Magnificos wife was a good louing soule, that had mettall inough
in her to make a good wit of, but being neuer remoued from vnder her
mothers and her husbands wing, it was not moulded and fashioned as it
ought. Causelesse distrust is able to driue deceite into a simple womans
head. I durst pawne the credit of a page, which is worth ams ase at all
times, that she was immaculate honest till she met with vs in prison.
Marie what temptations shee had then when fire and flaxe were put
together, conceit with your selues, but hold my master excusable.
Alacke he was too vertuous to make her vicious, he stoode vpon religion
and conscience, what a hainous thing it was to subuert Gods ordinance.
This was all the iniurie he woulde offer her, sometimes he woulde
imagine her in a melancholic humour to be his _Geraldine_, and court her
in tearmes correspondent, nay he would sweare shee was his _Geraldine_,
& take her white hand and wipe his eyes with it, as though the very
touch of her might stanch his anguish. Now would he kneele and kisse the
ground as holy grounde which she vouchsafed to blesse from barrennesse
by her steps. Who would haue learned to write an excellent passion,
might have bin a perfect tragicke poet, had he but attended halfe the
extremitie of his lament. Passion vpon passion would throng one on
anothers necke, he would praise her beyond the moone and starres, and
that so sweetly & rauishingly, as I perswade myself he was more in loue
with his owne curious forming fancie than her face, and truth it is,
many become passionate louers, only to win praise to theyr wits.
[Illustration: Page-105]
He praised, he praied, hee desired and besought her to pittie him that
perisht for her. From this his intranced mistaking extasie could no man
remoue him. Who loueth resolutely, will include euerie thing vnder the
name of his loue. From prose he would leape into verse, and with these
or such lyke rimes assault her.
_If I must die, O let me choose my death,
Sucke out my soule with kisses cruell maide,
In thy breasts christall bals enbalme my breath,
Dole it all out in sighs when I am laid.
Thy lips on mine like cupping glasses claspe,
Let our tongs meete and siriue as they would sting,
Crush out my winde with one strait girting graspe,
Stabs on my heart keepe time whitest thou dost sing.
Thy eies like searingyrons burne out mine,
In thy faire tresses stifle me outright,
Like Circes change me to a loathsome swine,
So I may liue for euer in thy sight
Into heauens ioyes can none prof oundly see,
Except that first they meditate on thee._