astraie most notoriously, for he beeing a monstrous vnthrift of battle
axes (as one that cared not in his anger to bid flie out scuttels to
fiue score of them) and a notable emboweller of quart pots, I came
disguised vnto him in the forme of a halfe a crowne wench, my gowne and
attire according to the custome the in request. I wis I had my curtesies
in cue or in quart pot rather, for they dyu'd into the very entrailes of
the dust, and I simpered with my countenance lyke a porredge pot on the
fire when it first begins to seeth. The sobrietie of the circumstance
is, that after he had courted me and all, and giuen me the earnest
pennie of impietie, some sixe crownes at the least for an antipast to
iniquitie, I fained an impregnable excuse to be gone, and neuer came at
him after. Yet left I not here, but committed a little more scutcherie.
A companie of coystrell clarkes (who were in band with sathan, and not of
anie souldiers collar nor his hatband) pincht a number of good mindes to
Godward of theyr prouant. They would not let a dram of dead pay ouerslip
them, they would not lend a groat of the weeke to come, to him that had
spent his money before this weeke was done. They outfaced the greatest
and most magnanimious servitours in their sincere and finigraphicall
cleane shirts and cuffes. A lowse that was anie Gentlemans companion
they thought scorne of, their nere bitten beardes must in a deuils name
bedewdeuerie daiewith rosewater, hogges could haue nere a hayre on theyr
backes, for making them rubbing brushes to rouse theyr crab lice. They
woulde in no wise permitte that the moates in the Sunnebeames should be
full mouthde beholders of theyr cleane phinikde appareil, theyr shooes
shined as bright as a slike-stone, theyr handes troubled and soyled more
water with washing, than the camell doth, that nere drinkes till the
whole streame bee troubled. Summarily, neuer anie were so fantastical
the one halfe as they. My masters you may conceiue of me what you list,
but I thinke confidently I was ordayned Gods scourge from aboue for
theyr daintie finicalitie. The houre of theyr punishment could no longer
be proroged, but vengeance must haue at them at al a ventures. So it
was, that the most of these aboue named goosequil braccahadocheos were
meere cowards and crauens, and durst not so much as throw a penfull
of inke into the enimies face, if proofe were made, wherefore on the
experience of their pusellanimitie I thought to raise the foundation
of my roguerie. What did I now but one daie made a false alarum in the
quarter where they laie, to trie how they would stand to theyr tackling,
and with a pittifull outcrie warned them to flie, for there was treason
afoot, they were inuironed and beset. Upon the first watch worde of
treason that was giuen, I thinke they betooke them to theyr heeles verie
stoutly, left theyr penne and inke-hornes and papers behinde them for
spoile, resigned theyr deskes, with the mony that was in them to the
mercie of the vanquisher, and in fine, left mee & my fellowes (their
foole-catchers) Lords of the field: how wee dealt with them, their
disburdened deskes canne best tell, but this I am assured, we fared the
better for it a fortnight of fasting dayes after. I must not place
a volume in the precincts of a pamphlet, sleepe an houre or two, and
dreame that Turney and Turwin is wonne, that the king is shipt againe
into England, and that I am close at harde meate at Windsore or at
Hampton court. What will you in your indifferent opinions allow me for
my trauell, no more seigniorie ouer the Pages than I had before? yes,
whether you will parte with so much probable friendly suppose or no,
He haue it in spite of your heartes. For your instruction and godly
consolation, bee informed, that at that time I was no common squire, no
vndertroden torch-bearer, I had my feather in my cap as big as a flag in
the foretop, my French doublet gelte in the belly as though (lyke a pig
readie to be spitted) all my guts had beene pluckt out, a paire of side
paned hose that hung down like two scales filled with Holland cheeses,
'my long stock that sate close to my docke, and smoothered not a scab
or a leacherous hairie sinew on the calfe of my legge, my rapier pendant
like a round sticke fastned in the tacklings for skippers the better to
climbe by, my cape cloake of blacke cloth, ouerspreading my backe lyke
a thornbacke, or an Elephantes eare, that hanges on his shoulders lyke
a countrie huswiues banskin, which shee thirleth her spindle on, and
in consummation of my curiositie, my handes without gloues, all a more
French, and a blacke budge edging of a beard on the vpper lip, & the
like sable auglet of excrements in the first rising of the anckle of my
chinne. I was the first that brought in the order of passing into the
court which I deriued from the common word _Qui passa_, and the heralds
phrase of armes Passant, thinking in sincerity, hee was not a Gentleman,
nor his armes currant, who was not first past by the pages. If anie
prentise or other came into the court that was not a Gentleman, I
thought it was an indignitie to the preheminence of the court to include
such a one, and could not be salud except we gaue him armes Passant, to
make him a Gentleman. Besides, in Spaine, none compasse anie farre waie
but he must be examined what he is, & giue three pence for his passe. In
which regard it was considered of by the common table of the cupbearers,
what a perilsome thing it was to let anie stranger or outdweller approch
so neere the precincts of the Prince, as the great chamber, without
examining what he was and giuing him his passe, wherevppon we
established the lyke order, but tooke no monie of them as they did,
onelie for a signe that he had not past our hands vnexamined, wee set a
red marke on either of his eares, and so let him walke as authenticall.
I must not discouer what vngodly dealing we had with the blacke iackes,
or how oft I was crowned king of the dronkards with a court cuppe, let
mee quietly descend to the waining of my youthfull dayes, and tell a
little of the sweating sicknesse, that made me in a cold sweate take my
heeles and runne out of England.
This sweating sicknesse, was a disease that a man then might catch and
neuer goe to a hothouse. Many masters desire to haue such semants as
would worke till they sweate againe, but in those dayes he that sweat
neuer wrought againe. That Scripture then was not thought so necessarie,
which sayes, Earne thy liuing with the sweat of thy browes, for then
they earnd their dying with the sweat of their browes. It was inough
if a fat man did but trusse his points, to turne him ouer the pearch:
mother _Cornelius_ tub why it was lyke hell, he that came into it neuer
came out of it Cookes that stande continually basting theirfaces before
the fire, were nowe all cashierd with this sweat into kitchinstuffe:
theyr hall fell in to the kings handes for want of one of the trade to
vpholde it. Feltmakers and furriers, what the one with the hot steame of
their wooll new taken out of the pan, and the other with the contagious
heate of their slaughter budge and connyskins, died more thicke than of
the pestilence: I haue seene an olde woman at that season hauing three
chins, wipe them all away one after another, as they melted to water,
and left her selfe nothing of a mouth but an vpper chap. Looke how in
May or the heat of Summer we lay butter in water for feare it shuld
melte awaie, so then were men faine to wet their clothes in water as
Diers doo, and hide themselues in welles from the heate of the Sunne.
Then happie was he that was an asse, for nothing wyll kill an asse
but colde, and none dide but with extreame heate. The fishes called
Seastarres, that burne one another by excessiue heate, were not so
contagious as one man that had the sweate was to another. Masons paid
nothing for haire to mix their lime, nor giouers to stuffe their balls
with, for then they had it for nothing, it dropt off mens heads and
beardes faster than anie Barber could shaue it. O if haire breeches had
then beene in fashion, what a fine world had it beene for Taylers, and
so it was a fine world for Tailers neuerthelesse, for hee that could
make a garment sleightest and thinnest, carried it awaie. Cutters I
can tell you, then stood vpon it, to haue their trade one of the twelue
Companies, for who was it then that would not haue his doublet cut to
the skin, and his shirt cut into it to, to make it more colde. It was
as much as a mans life was worth, once to name a freeze ierken, it was
treason for a fat grosse man to come within fiue miles of the court,
I heard where they dide vp all in one family, and not a mothers childe
escapt, insomuch as they had but an Irish rug lockt vp in a presse,
and not laide vpon anie bedde neither, if those that were sicke of
this maladie slept on it, they neuer wakt more. Phisitions with their
simples, in this case were simple fellowes, and knew not which way to
bestir them. Galen might goe shop the gander for anie good he could doe,
his secretatyes had so long called him diuine, that now he had lost all
his vertue vpon earth. _Hippocrates_ might well helpe Almanack makers,
but here he had not a worde to saie, a man might sooner catch the sweate
with plodding ouer him to no end, than cure the sweat with any of his
impotent principles. _Paracelsus_ with his spirit of the butterie, and
his spirits of minerals, could not so much as say, God amend him, to the
matter. _Plus erat in artifice quant arte_, there was more infection in
the phisition himselfe than his arte could cure. This mortalitie first
began amongst olde men, for they taking a pride to haue their breasts
loose basted with tedious beards, kept their houses so hot with these
hairy excrements, that not so much but their very wals sweat out salt
Peter, with the smoothering perplexitie, nay a number of them had
meruailous hot breaths, which sticking in the briers of their bushie
beardes, could not choose, but (as close aire long imprisoned) engender
corruption. Wiser was our brother _Bankes_ of these latter dais, who
made his iugling horse a cut, for feare if at anie time hee should
foist, the stinke sticking in his thicke bushie taile might be noisome
to his auditors. Should I tell you how many purseuants with red noses,
and sargeants with precious faces shrunke away in this sweat, you would
not beleeve me. Euen as the Salamander with his very sight blasteth
apples on the trees, so a purseuant or a sargeant at this present, with
the verie reflexe of his fine facias, was able to spoile a man a farre
of. In some places of the world there is no shadow of the sunne, _Diebus
illis_ if it had bene so in England, the generation of _Brute_ had died
all and some. To knit vp this description in a pursuat, so feruent
and scorching was the burning aire which inclosed them, that the most
blessed man then aliue, would haue thoght that God had done fairely by
him, if he had turnde him to a goat, for goates take breath not at the
mouth or nose only, but at y eares also.
Take breath how they would, I vowd to tarrie no longer amongst them. As
at Turwin I was a demie souldier in iest, so now I became a martiallist
in earnest. Ouer sea with my implements I got me, where hearing the king
of France and the Swizers were together by the ears, I made towards them
as fast as I could, thinking to thrust my selfe into that faction that
was strongest It was my good lucke or my ill, I know not which, to come
iust to ye fighting of the battel, where I sawe a wonderfull spectacle
of bloud shed on both sides, here the vnwildie swizers wallowing
in their gore, like an oxe in his doung, there the sprightly French
sprawling and turning on the stayned grasse, like a roach newe taken out
of the streame, all the ground was strewed as thicke with battle axes,
as the carpenters yard with chips. The plaine appeared like a quagmire,
ouerspread as it was with trampled dead bodies. In one place might you
beholde a heape of dead murthered men ouerwhelmed with a falling steed,
in stead of a tombe stone, in another place a bundle of bodies fettered
together in theyr owne bowels, and as the tyrant Romane Empereurs vsed
to tie condemned liuing caitifes face to face to dead corses, so were
the halfe liuing here mixt with squeazed carcases long putrifide. Anie
man might giue armes that was an actor in that battell, for there were
more armes and legs scattered in the field that daie, than will be
gathered vp till dooms daie, the French king himselfe in this conflict
was much distressed, the braines of his owne men sprinkled in his face,
thrice was his courser slaine vnder him, and thrice was hee strucke on
the breast with a speare, but in the end, by the helpe of the Venetians,
the Heluesians or Swizers were subdude, and he crowned victor, a peace
concluded, and the cittie of Millain surrendered vnto him, as a pledge
of reconciliation. That warre thus blowen ouer, and the seueral bands
dissolued, like a crow that still followes aloofe where there is
carrion, I flew me ouer to Munster in Germanie, which an Anabaptisticall
brother named _Iohn Leiden_ kepte at that instant against the Emperor
and the Duke of Saxonie. Here I was in good hope to set vp my staffe for
some reasonable time, deeming that no Citie would driue it to a
siege except they were able to holde out, and pretily well had these
Munsterians held out, for they kept the Emperour and the Duke of Saxonie
sound plaie for the space of a yeere, and longer wold haue done, but
that dame famine came amongst them, wherevppon they were forst by
messengers to agree vpon a daie of fight, when according to theyr
anabaptisticall errour they might be all new christned in theyr owne
bloud.
That daie come, flourishing entered _lohn Leiden_ the botcher into the
field, with a scarfe made of lists, like a bowcase, a crosse on his
brest like a thred bottom, a round twilted Tailers cushion buckled lyke
a tancard bearers deuice to his shoulders for a target, the pike whereof
was a packe needle, a tough prentises club for his speare, a great
brewers cow on his back for a corslet, and on his head for a helmet
a huge high shoo with the bottome turnd vpward, embossed as full of
hobnailes as euer it might sticke, his men were all base handie craftes,
as coblers, and curriers, and tinkers, whereof some had barres of yron,
some hatchets, some coole staues, some dung forks, some spades, some
mattockes, some wood kniues, some addsses for theyr weapons, he that was
best prouided, had but a peece of a rustie browne bill brauely fringed
with cobwebbes to fight for him: perchance here and there you might see
a felow that had a canker eaten seul on his head, which serued him and
his ancestors for a chamber pot two hundred yeeres, and another that had
bent a couple of yron dripping pans armourwise, to fence his backe
and his belly, another that had thrust a payre of dry olde bootes as a
breast plate before his belly of his doublet, because he would not
be dangerously hurt: another that had twilted all his trusse full of
counters, thinking if the enemie shoulde take him, he would mistake them
for golde, and so saue his life for his money. Very deuout asses they
were, for all they were so dunstically set forth, & such as thought
they knew as much of Gods minde as richer men, why inspiration was their
ordinarie familiar, and buzde in theyr eares like a Bee in a boxe euerie
houre what newes from heauen, hell, and the lands of whipperginnie,
displease them who durst, hee shoulde have his mittimus to damnation _ex
tempore_, they woulde vaunt there was not a pease difference twixt them
and the Apostles, they were as poore as they, of as base trades as they,
and no more inspired than they, and with God there is no respect of
persons, onely herein may seeme some little diuersitie to lurke, that
_Peter_ wore a sword, and they count it flat hel fire for anie man to
weare a dagger, nay so grounded and grauelled were they in this opinion,
that now when they should come to battel, thers nere a one of them wold
bring a blade (no not an onion blade) about him, to die for it It
was not lawfull sayde they, for anie man to draw the sworde but the
magistrate, and in fidelitie (which I had welnigh forgot) _Iacke Leiden_
theyr magistrate had the image or likenesse of a peece of a rustie sword
like a lusty lad by his side, now I remember me, it was but a foile
neither, and he wore it, to shew that he should haue the foile of his
enemies, which might haue bin an oracle for his twohande interpretation.
_Quid plura_, his battell is pitcht, by pitcht, I do not meane set in
order, for that was far from their order, onely as sailers do pitch
their appareil, to make it stormeproofe, so had most of them pitcht
their patcht clothes, to make them impearceable. A neerer way than to
be at the charges of armor by halfe: and in another sort hee might
bee sayde to haue pitcht y field, for he had pitcht or set vp his rest
whither to flie if they were discomfited. Peace, peace there in the
belfrie, seruice begins, vpon their knees before they ioyne, fals _Iohn
Leiden_ and his fraternitie verie deuoutly, they pray, they houle, they
expostulate with God to grant them victory, and vse such vnspeakable
vehemence, a man would thinke them the onely well bent men vtider
heauen, wherein let mee dilate a little more grauely than the nature of
this historie requires, or will be expected of so young a practitioner
in diuinitie: that not those that intermissiuely cry, Lord open vnto us,
Lord open vnto us, enter first into the kingdome of heauen, that not the
greatest professors haue the greatest portion in grace, that all is
not golde that glisters. When Christ sayd, the kingdome of heauen must
suffer violence, hee meant not the violence of long babling praiers to
no purpose, nor the violence of tedious inuective sermons without wit,
but the violence of faith, the violence of good works, the violence of
patient suffering. The ignorant arise and snatch the kingdome of heauen
to themselues with greedines, when we with all our learning sinke downe
into hell. Where did _Peter_ and _Iohn_ in the third of the Acts, finde
the lame cripple but in the gate of the temple called beautifull, in the
beautifullest gates of our temple, in the forefront of professors, are
many lame cripples, lame in lyfe, lame in good workes, lame in euerie
thing, yet will they alwayes sit at the gates of the temple, none be
more forwarde tha they to enter into matters of reformation, yet none
more behinde hand to enter into the true temple of the Lord by the gates
of good life. You may obiect, that those which I speak against, are
more diligent in reading the scriptures, more carefull to resort vnto
sermons, more sober in their lookes and modest in their attire than anie
else: but I praie you let me aunswere you, Doth not Christ saie, that
before the latter daie the Sunne shall be turned into darknes, & the
Moone into bloud, whereof what may the meaning be, but that the
glorious sun of the gospell shall be eclipsed with the dun cloude of
dissimulation, that that which is the brightest planet of saluation,
shall be a meanes of errour and darknes: and the moone shal be turned
into bloud, those that shine fairest, make the simplest shew, seeme most
to fauour religion, shall rent out the bowels of the Church, be turned
into bloud, and all this shall come to passe, before the notable daie
of the Lord, whereof this age is the eue. Let me vse a more familiar
example since the heate of a great number hath outraged so excessiuely.
Did not the deuill leade Christ to the pinacle or highest part of the
temple to tempt him, if he lead Christ, he wil leade a whole armie of
hypocrites to the toppe or highest part of the temple, the highest step
of religion and holines, to seduce them and subuert them. I say vnto you
that which this our tempted sauiour with many other words besought his
disciples, saue your selues from this froward generation. Verily, verily
the seruaunt is not greater than his master: verily, verily, sinful
men are not holier than holy Jesus their maker. That holy Jesus againe
repeats this holy sentence, Remember the wordes I sayde vnto you, the
seruant is not holier or greater than his master, as if he should say,
remember then, imprint in your memorie your pride and singularitie will
make you forget them, the effectes of them many yeeres hence will
come to passe. Whosoeuer will seeke to saue his soule shall loose it
Whosoeuer seekes by headlong meanes to enter into heauen, & disanull
Gods ordinance, shal with y gyants that thought to scale heauen in
contempt of Jupiter, be ouerwhelmed with mount Ossa & Pelion, & dwel
with the deuill in eternal desolation. Though the high priests office
was expired, when _Paul_ said vnto one of them, God rebuke thee thou
painted sepulchre, yet when a stander by reproued him saying, Reuilest
thou the high priest? he repented & askt forgiuenesse. That which I
suppose I doe not grant, the lawfulnes of the authoritie they oppose
themselues agaynst, is sufficiently proued, farre bee it my vnderage
argumentes should intrude themselues as a greene weake prop to support
so high a building, let it suffice, if you knowe Christ, you know his
father also, if you know Christianitie, you know the Fathers of the
Church also, but a greate number of you with _Philip_ haue bene long
with Christ, and haue not knowen him, haue long professed your selues
Christians, and not knowen his true ministers, you follow the French and
Scotitsh fashion and faction, and in all pointes are lyke the Swizers,
_Qui quorunt cum qua gente cadunt_, that seeke with what nation they may
first miscarrie.