the rules of good-breeding are so outrageously violated by employees
and employers, that to detail their shortcomings would require many
pages. But in business as in all other intercourse, the one invariable
law of good-breeding, viz.: kindness, offers the key to all true mode
of conduct. Be kind and considerate, and you will do right.
The upright and model man of business never commits any of the
following sins:--
Never tells a falsehood, even though at times it may offer a temporary
advantage. In the end it will not result happily--neither to conscience
nor to the till. It is one of the fixed laws of compensations that a
wrong entails evil, sooner or later; hence, even in a selfish view, it
is best always to tell the truth.
Never creates false expectations to effect a transaction.
Never represents an article to be what it is not. The secret of the
success of A. T. Stewart, and other merchants of eminence, is that they
never would allow any deception to be practiced upon customers. A child
can buy of them as safely as an experienced person.
Never breaks appointments, and never fails to keep good his word to the
hour and the letter, if there is no just cause to prevent.
Never is absent from his business, except when absolutely necessary.
Never allows others in his employ to do what is not perfectly
intelligible to him. Always understands his books; always keeps the run
of the entire day's transactions; always knows the exact state of his
bank account; always is acquainted with the doings of each one in his
employ.
If called upon by any person he is polite; he gives no curt answers; he
keeps none waiting unnecessarily; he is solicitous of doing what will
most please.
In a word, the secret of business success, and the true criterion of
action for the business man, young or old, is to be found in that
blessed Golden Rule, which will forever hold good, viz.:--
_Do unto others as ye would that they should do unto you._
ADVICE TO THE WORKING-MAN.
Let it not be said that the first principles of good breeding are
unknown to the working-man; he may be ignorant of the usages of
society, but he can, if he please, maintain a becoming and agreeable
deportment. What generally makes him coarse and surly, is the
prejudice, unhappily too widely spread, that the rich man feels above
him. This is a great mistake; it is not the blouse that is shunned, it
is the rudeness of the man who wears it. Labor is always held in esteem
by any man of sense; but who can regard coarseness and rudeness with
respect? Two workmen enter a saloon, they talk as if in the street,
abuse those whom they name "aristocrats," and make such a disturbance,
that the waiter shows them to the door. Is it the working-man who is
thus used? no, verily, it is the insulter of the public. A man in
broadcloth, who should conduct himself thus, would, in like manner, be
requested to retire from the company of those whom he was disturbing.
However, the operative thus treated, always exclaims: "Though one is
a workman, he is as good as you." But, in this case, he is not in the
character of a working-man, but in that of a consumer, like all the
others seeking their comfort or pleasure; none of whom would think of
saying, if such a thing happened to them, "I am a lawyer;" or, "I am a
physician;" or, "I am an officer." In a public establishment, such as a
_cafe_, or hotel, or in public conveyances, all are equal, and no one
should be suffered to be insolent, or vulgar, or rude.
The rich man, on his part, knows that there are laws of politeness
to be observed toward all. The upstart or snob alone gives himself
the habit of speaking rudely to those he employs; he alone affects to
humble them by his tone of superiority. The man of _true_ nobility is
polite to every one, be he rich or poor.
LOVE, COURTSHIP, AND MARRIAGE.[A]
In the matter of LOVE it would be hard to lay down any formal rules;
the heart is its own teacher; if _its_ impulses be true and pure,
your looks, words, and actions will be in no danger of doing you any
particular discredit. Even awkwardness is sometimes eloquent, and
makes a better companion than the most elegant self-possession, since
it proclaims the reality of your passion, and the diffidence of real
affection. Love has a language of its own, and will not thank any book
of etiquette for a lesson. If the maiden be modest, and the youth
sincere and manly, they will appreciate and understand each other
without danger of mistakes.
It has been said that any refined and delicate woman can _prevent_ an
offer which she does not intend to accept, and we believe that, in most
cases, she can; saving herself the pain of refusal, and her lover the
mortification of being rejected.
It is a poor triumph for a young lady to say, or to feel, that she has
refused five, ten, or twenty offers of marriage; it is about the same
as acknowledging herself a trifler and coquette, who, from motives of
personal vanity, tempts and induces hopes and expectations which she
has predetermined shall be disappointed. Such a course is, to a certain
degree, both unprincipled and immodest.
It is a still greater crime when a man conveys the impression that he
is in love, by actions, gallantries, looks, attentions, all--except
that he never commits himself--and finally withdraws his devotions,
exulting in the thought that he has said or written nothing which can
legally bind him.
But true love, as we remarked before, will find for itself some
becoming expression and--
"needs not the foreign child of ornament."
Love, of course, unless some insuperable barrier exists, will be
followed in due time by COURTSHIP. Here some formalities will begin to
be observed. The passion which blushed to own itself to itself, having
been crowned, becomes a matter of interest to others than the two most
particularly concerned. If a young man thinks fit to address himself
_first_ to the young lady, to find if his attentions be agreeable
to her, he should not delay, after gaining her consent to them, to
respectfully solicit the approval of her parents or guardians. This is
due to them, and should not be put off on account of any unworthy fear
or timidity.
It is customary in some circles for the parents to make the betrothal
immediately known to their friends, and even to give a kind of
preliminary festival at which the couple are publicly congratulated.
Good taste will dictate the avoidance of any expression of fondness
between the parties when in company.
Envy and satire are ever on the look-out for subjects of ridicule, and
it is well to give them no opportunity. Sentiment which is beautiful in
the family circle, is often odious in society. The same rule holds good
with relatives and newly-married people. Their devotion to each other
should be put aside, and the claims of others upon their courtesy and
time duly honored.
The amount of attention permissible before marriage, such as walking,
driving, concert-going, etc., depends very much upon the customs of
the place in which the persons reside. Public opinion and habit should
not be invaded without some good and weighty reason, even with the
most innocent purposes. It can not be desirable to provoke remark and
censure, however indifferent you may feel towards its authors.
The MARRIAGE ceremony varies with the fortunes and wishes of those
interested.
In regard to the form of the rite, no specific direction are necessary;
for those who are to be married by ministers, will study the form of
their particular church--the Methodists their "Book of Discipline,"
the Episcopalians their "Book of Common Prayer," the Catholics their
Ritual, etc., etc. In most cases a rehearsal of the ceremony is made in
private, that the pair may the more perfectly understand the necessary
forms. If the parties are to be wedded by a magistrate, the ceremony
is almost nominal--it is a mere repetition of a vow. The Catholic and
Episcopal forms have the most ceremony, and doubtless are the most
impressive, though no more effectually marrying than the simplest form.
There are, however, some generally received rules which govern
this momentous and interesting occasion, and to these we refer all
interested.
When the wedding is not strictly in private, it is customary for
bridesmaids and groomsmen to be chosen to assist in the duties of the
occasion.
The bridesmaids should be _younger_ than the bride; their dresses
should be _conformed to hers_; they should not be any more expensive,
though they are permitted more ornament. They are generally chosen of
light, graceful material; flowers are the principal decoration.
The bride's dress is marked by simplicity. But few jewels or ornaments
should be worn, and those should be the gift of the bridegroom or
parents. A veil and garland are the distinguishing features of the
dress.
The bridesmaids assist in dressing the bride, receiving the company,
etc.; and, at the time of the ceremony, stand at her _left_ side, the
first bridesmaid holding the bouquet and gloves.
The groomsmen receive the clergyman, present him to the couple to
be married, and support the bridegroom upon the _right_, during the
ceremony.
If it is an evening wedding, at home, immediately after "these twain
are made one," they are congratulated: first by the relatives, then by
the friends, receiving the good wishes of all; after which, they are at
liberty to leave their formal position, and mingle with the company.
The dresses, supper, etc., are usually more festive and gay than for a
morning wedding and reception, where the friends stop for a few moments
only, to congratulate the newly-married pair, taste the cake and wine,
and hurry away.
When the ceremony is performed in church, the bride enters at the
_left_, with her father, mother, and bridesmaids; or, at all events,
with a bridesmaid. The groom enters at the _right_, followed by his
attendants. The parents stand behind, the attendants at either side.
The bride should be certain that her glove is readily removable; the
groom, that the ring is where he can find it, to avoid delay and
embarrassment.
When they leave the church, the newly-married couple walk arm-in-arm.
They have usually a reception of a couple of hours at home, for their
intimate friends, then a breakfast, then leave upon the "bridal tour."
The wording of invitations, and the styles of cards, are so constantly
changing, that it will not do to lay down rules. Cards of invitation
_to_ the wedding are usually sent out in the _name of the mother_. [See
page 70.]
A few days before the return of the wedded pair, their own especial
card is sent to those whom they desire shall call upon them, and whose
acquaintance they wish to retain.
However plain the dress chosen for the occasion, gloves and shoes must
be faultless. There should be flowers if possible; they are never more
in place.
The fee of the clergyman will be decided by the fortune and position
of the groom. No doubt, in the joy of his heart, the just married will
be liberal; if he is not, upon _this_ occasion, he never will be. The
_first groomsman_ will take charge of this matter.
The travelling dresses should not be marked by "bridal favors," if the
happy couple wish to avoid the curious scrutiny of strangers.
Married people should never intrude "family jars" nor family devotion
upon company. Husband and wife should be pleasant and affectionate in
their demeanor, with a show of reserve, while in the presence of "the
world." It is improper to say "husband" and "wife," in speaking of your
companion to others. Use their title, as Mr. or Mrs.--that is, to all
but intimate friends. Especially, do not introduce, "my wife," or "my
husband." Caresses, disagreements, and significant glances betraying
secret intelligence, are all out of place in general company.
The "honeymoon" is a mythic time. It is generally regarded as extending
to the first six weeks, during which period the young couple must give
themselves up to receptions of friends, to attending parties made in
their honor, etc. The real honeymoon _should_ last _through life_, and
will, if the pair is properly mated. Therefore, let the choice be made
in no haste and passion and blindness, but in deliberation and calm
exercise of judgment.
FOOTNOTE:
[A] There is much preposterous stuff before the public, in the way of
books relating to love and its relations, to marriage, and to wedded
life. We look upon these works, as a general thing, as vicious in their
nature, because they excite passions and feelings and expectations of
which no one needs to be specially informed; while their detail of
processes necessary to accomplish a wished for "happy result" are truly
disgusting. A person's own heart, and the advice of some good sensible
married friend, are all sufficient for the necessary guidance of a
man or woman designing marriage. We propose, in some future work, to
introduce this matter more fully to our readers, in a series of papers
especially addressed to young and to married folks. We here give such
general rules and observances as seem proper to be adverted to in a
work on etiquette.
RESPECT FOR RELIGION AND FOR OLD AGE.
Some young people seem to imagine that they are living in the age of
Voltaire, and make a merit of skeptical and even atheistical opinions.
They laugh at the sacred character of the ministry, and deride what is
venerable and sacred. This class is as deserving of contempt, as it is
avoided in truly good society. Impiety is no longer fashionable as it
was in the days when an atheistical philosopher thought to make laws
for the world, and construe liberty into license to outrage every pious
instinct.
A man who does not respect the religion of his fathers, is incapable of
knowing, and therefore of applying, the laws of good-breeding. A young
man who boasts his freedom of religious opinions, is but confessing
his own ignorance, for his belief is, in most cases, the result of
a perfect non-acquaintance with religious systems. How many of our
boasted "free thinkers" are men of pure lives and noble instincts?
Another sin is its want of respect for women and for persons of
advanced years. A man of religious feeling holds himself bound to those
duties, in respect to old age, that were observed in ancient times. But
the young men of whom we have been speaking make a parade of rudeness
in the presence of an old man; they pay him no more respect than if he
were an unfledged youth of eighteen like themselves; they smoke cigars
under his nose; scarcely deign to acknowledge him in the street; and
never are willing to remember that their father is or was an old man,
and that they will themselves grow old. Such respect neither their
parents nor themselves. Diogenes declared himself to be a dog that he
might have a right to indulge his cynical disposition. So are these
flippant theologians who have sunk to the same level.
One word as to the influence of religion upon the character of the
young girl. A religious course of training can alone impart to the
feminine character that spirit of yielding gentleness which, in
domestic, as in public life, is the basis of politeness. Deprived of
these qualities, a woman would be unamiable in the family circle,
as well as in the world, where, in spite of her efforts to appear
pleasing, her bad education would inevitably display itself. Young
ladies of this class, if they do not go the length of impertinence,
have a dissatisfied air, and indulge in the habit of criticising every
thing with severity. If married, they quickly banish peace from the
conjugal roof, by their exactions and ill-humor. They are not willing
to make a single sacrifice for their husband's happiness; quarrels and
oppositions please them, and the gentlest yoke becomes a heavy chain.
The husband thus situated may consider himself happy, if his wife will
condescend to occupy herself at all with domestic affairs, and things
so common as the concerns of the family. An irreligious woman is as
much to be abhorred as a drunken woman: she is no longer fit to lead in
society and to give tone to its morals; she is not fit to be a mother;
for her children will surely be reckless and godless; she is not a
grace, but a blot on her sex, disliked even by men who profess to no
religious conviction.
SPECIALLY FOR LADIES.
What is becoming to one woman, may be just the reverse to another,
and in such a case it is foolish to be the slave of fashion. A tall,
elegant, and well-formed figure requires a material that will exhibit
and set off to advantage these charms.
Velvet suits well a commanding figure which disdains light materials,
pale colors, and trifling ornaments. In vain will a new fashion proffer
its pretty trinkets: the woman who possesses this classical figure
will disdain all such trifles. Her style of head-dress will be chaste;
diamond ornaments will sparkle on her bosom; she is a queen, and should
wear the ornaments of royalty, provided she can do so.
A young girl, all grace and elegance, will robe her sylph-like form in
the most transparent of textures; she will place a fresh garland on
her charming brow. Every thing in her dress should correspond to the
freshness of her smile, to the sweetness of her expression.
We must, moreover, counsel our fair friends not to spoil their beauty
by any act of their own. To explain ourselves further:
We will suppose you to possess a beautiful face, and you have every
interest in preserving its regularity. Now mark: If you experience the
slightest opposition, your features are not recognizable your forehead
is wrinkled, you are ten years older!
Are you angry? your nose contracts, your upper lip is elongated, your
eyes are half covered by their lids; you are frightfully ugly!
Are you afraid? your eyebrows are raised, your mouth is half open, and
you look like a simpleton!
Are you cold? all your features are contracted, every muscle of your
face is in a state of tension, your neck sinks between your shoulders,
you are hunch-backed; consequently the blood, less active in this
semi-circular position, makes you still colder than if you walked on
boldly, and you have further the advantage of looking like a little old
man!
Are you negligent in your dress, careless in your habits, idle and
listless? your face gradually assumes an expression of creticism, which
makes your eyes lose all their vivacity, and your countenance its
charms!
Consult your mirror when you experience one of these feelings, and you
will hardly recognize yourself.
Since God has given you an agreeable countenance, do not deface his
work--all the world will be gainers and yourself also.
Alas! what shall we say to those who have not been favored with
a charming countenance? In such a case there is almost always a
compensation of Nature's own providing. You will observe that with
unprepossessing features, there is generally an elegant figure, or a
great deal of expression, or lively wit, that makes you forget that
Nature has been less bountiful than is her wont.
Fanciful modes of dress suit the coquette; she knows how to make use of
them: they are her counters. She has the art of arranging tastefully
even the folds of her dress. Her costume should be full of variety, to
be the reflection of her caprices.
CONFIDENTIAL ADVICE TO YOUNG MEN.
We have given such specific directions as have seemed to us necessary
to form the gentleman. In many cases it has been necessary to repeat
admonitions in order to impress on the mind of the reader the propriety
of certain special observances. Let this excuse what may, at times,
appear to be a repetition or a tautology. In this chapter we wish
to address young men confidentially and candidly upon some of those
habits and ways of life which serve to mold the character of the man
to a considerable degree, and, hence, are of vital importance in their
relations to society and to individuals.
A young man who starts out in life without any settled purpose in
mind, is laboring at great disadvantage. He will waste several years
in useless and aimless endeavor to "get along," which he ought to have
given up to settling and systematizing his life-occupation. If he is
to learn a trade, let him resolve upon it at as early a moment as is
practicable, and once resolved upon, let all his energies be devoted to
his pursuit. Success will be sure to follow such an endeavor; and the
age of twenty-five will, beyond a doubt, if health does not fail, find
the young man a respected member of community, an efficient workman
earning a liberal living, and well qualified to enter upon the business
and responsibilities of wedded life. If, on the contrary, the young
man allows his majority to find him still deficient in a knowledge of
the trade he knows he must or ought to follow, it is almost a moral
certainty that he never will attain to the efficiency, the industry,
and self-reliance which, otherwise, must have marked him. Learn your
trade, then, ere your majority comes; and, when once learned, remember
that,
Through long days of labor,
And nights devoid of ease,
spring those blessings and rewards which almost inevitably follow upon
endeavor rightly directed.
If you propose a commercial life, let there be no hesitation in the
decision; but go at it bravely, cheerfully, persistently, that your
majority may find you enjoying the confidence of employers, and on the
high-road to your own independence. Remember, solemnly remember, that
incorruptible honesty, integrity unimpeachable, virtue uncontaminated,
are the best riches the _heart_ of man can ever attain--that wealth
gained at a sacrifice of any of these qualities is a leprosy of gold
which will cover the very soul with loathsomeness. If the author of
this chapter had a million of dollars to bestow, it would be joyfully
hurled into the sea, to be lost forever, if its possessorship could
impair the virtue and moral excellence of its recipients. View wealth,
as honorable only when honorably attained and rationally enjoyed; and
your life will be one which you, your friends, and your children will
call blessed.
If you design a professional life, it should be determined on before
the years of school-life are ended, that you may direct your studies
and mold your thoughts into the most effective channels. As in a
commercial life, remember that the key-stone of success lies in your
honesty. A man who enters upon the practice of the law, or of medicine
merely for gain, is starting out with a bad principle, which will
not fail to produce bad results even though wealth be obtained; for,
if purity of heart, disinterestedness, self-respect are all gone, of
what avail is _money_? The veriest vagrant, who comes honestly by his
poverty, is a nobler being than he who comes dishonorably by his wealth.
As has been said, in previous pages, gentility has much to do with
success in life. It opens a way for progress where no rudeness would
avail--it unlocks sympathies, awakens friendships, commands confidences
which are better than mortgages and bonds in our dealings with men;
and we therefore commend earnestly to your attention what we have
said on previous pages in regard to the rules and observances of the
good-breeding which indicates true gentility.
CULTIVATE A TASTE FOR THE BEAUTIFUL.
What is "the beautiful?" It is what beautifies and graces life. It is
the antithesis of the real and practical. It is the glory of life,
for it elevates the heart and mind into the contemplation of, and
sympathy with, the ideal--the spiritual. Its language is the language
of emotion; it startles, and thrills, and stirs within us divine
impulses. It comforts life, as the shower comforts the parched grass;
and penetrates into the very recesses of our being, as the juices and
fluids penetrate the arteries and pores of the plant.
There is so much practicality in our American life, that we are in
danger of growing sordid, covetous, unsympathetic, unpoetical; and our
lives threaten to be as barren of beauty as the pile of unhewn marble,
out of which the glorious edifice _can_ be built, if only the hand of
the master touches it, and molds it into forms of unity and grace. We
want the hand of that master to seize our being, to give it symmetry,
to develop its latent glories, to prove its power for developing a fair
humanity. The Master already is at the door!