A lady sometimes requires time to prepare her toilet. The host of the
house receives you; and after the usual compliments, which should be
very brief, do not fail in polite recognitions to any lady in the
company with whom you are acquainted. If you introduce a friend, make
him acquainted with the names of the chief persons present; by this
precaution you will often save him an indiscretion; and make him feel
more at his ease. These ball-room introductions are _not_ regarded as
introductions for a more extended acquaintance than for the evening.
Should the parties afterward meet upon the street or elsewhere, let the
gentleman be careful not to presume upon any recognition of the lady
until _she_ has _first_ bowed. If she fails to extend this recognition,
let the gentleman take no umbrage, for he has no real claim upon
her acquaintance merely from a public ball-room introduction. An
introduction at a _private_ soiree is another thing; there the
relations of the parties introduced are the same as at any private
party: they are _permanently_ introduced if at all.
If a gentleman escorts a lady to the dance, he is her cavalier for
the evening; he must see that she is always provided with agreeable
partners; that she always has a seat when required; has the necessary
refreshments, etc. He must dance with her _first_ of all, and as often,
during the evening, as is proper, considering the claims of others and
the wishes of the lady.
Avoid seeking the same partner (other than your lady _en charge_) in
the dance too often; you will excite remark, and will expose yourself
to the charge of partiality or perhaps of coquetry. It is a graceful
attention in a young man to select as partners those ladies whose want
of personal attractions condemn them to the terrible punishment of
being the "wall-flowers" of the evening. Such attentions will procure
you a feeling of grateful regard, especially if you acquit yourself
with tact and real kindness.
If a married lady is present, and dancing while her husband is in the
room, a person desiring her for a partner should first _be sure_ that
it is agreeable to the husband for him to offer his hand to the lady.
If a crowd is present, and a gentleman has occasion to make his way
through a press of crinoline and drapery, he should proceed most
carefully--haste would be very rude and inexcusable; the danger of
soiling, or tearing, or disarranging a lady's costume forbids any
gentleman making a careless step.
If it is necessary to step in front of a lady in passing, always
apologize for the step; otherwise she may very properly think you do
not know what belongs to good manners. A lady is always _pleased_ with
an _apology_ if it is gracefully and kindly made; and no gentleman
will ever suffer such an occasion to pass in silence, without he really
designs an affront, or except he is absolutely ignorant of what is
proper and respectful.
A good authority before us says:--In a quadrille, or other dance,
while awaiting the music, or while unengaged, a lady and gentleman
should avoid long conversations, as they are apt to interfere with the
progress of the dance; while, on the other hand, a gentleman should
not stand like an automaton, as though he were afraid of his partner,
but endeavor to render himself agreeable by those "airy nothings"
which amuse for the moment, and are in harmony with the occasion. You
should, however, not only on such occasions, but invariably, avoid
the use of _slang_ terms and phrases, they being, to the last degree,
vulgar and objectionable. Indeed, one of the charms of conversation
consists in the correct use of language. Dr. Johnson, whose reputation
as a _talker_ was hardly less than that which he acquired as a writer,
prided himself on the appositeness of his quotations, the choice of his
words, and the correctness of his expressions. Had he lived in this
"age of progress," he would have discovered that his Lexicon was not
only incomplete, but required numerous emendations. We can fancy the
irritable moralist endeavoring to comprehend the idea which a young
lady wishes to convey, when she expresses the opinion that a bonnet is
"_awful_," or a young gentleman of his coat, when he asserts that it
is "_played out_!" If any one thing marks a person's "bringing up," it
is the language used in company; and it may be set down as an almost
invariable rule, that any one who uses _slang_ words, who talks loudly
and rudely, who utters an oath, or who becomes angered and expresses
it, is _no_ gentleman, and has not had good associations. For a _lady_
to be guilty of even one of these sins, is too palpably inexcusable to
need remark.
The author quoted above, adds this excellent advice upon a very
common ball-room sin, viz.: scandal and strictures upon a person's
appearance, dress, etc. He says:--"There is a custom which is sometimes
practiced both in the assembly-room and at private parties, which can
not be too strongly reprehended,--we allude to the habit of ridicule
and ungenerous criticism of those who are ungraceful, or otherwise
obnoxious to censure, which is indulged in by the thoughtless,
particularly among the dancers. Of its gross impropriety and vulgarity
we need hardly express an opinion; but there is such an utter disregard
for the feelings of others implied in this kind of negative censorship,
that we can not forbear to warn our young readers to avoid it. The
'Koran' says: 'Do not mock--the mocked may be better than the mocker.'
Those you condemn may not have had the same advantages as yourself in
acquiring grace or dignity, while they may be infinitely superior in
purity of heart and mental accomplishments. The advice of Chesterfield
to his son, in his commerce with society, to _do as you would be done
by_, is founded on the Christian precept, and worthy of commendation.
Imagine yourself the victim of others' ridicule, and you will cease to
indulge in a pastime which only gains for you the hatred of those you
satirize, if they chance to observe you, and the contempt of others who
have noticed your violation of politeness, and abuse of true sociality."
Ladies will always be careful of their associates. At the public ball
are occasionally to be found persons whose acquaintance it is not
proper to make. The young female is ever the cynosure of all eyes,
and can not comport herself too strictly, nor choose her partners
too carefully. It is not best to be "prudish," but it is right and
necessary to be cautious and discreet.
In walking up or down the room the lady should always be accompanied by
a gentleman; it is quite improper to saunter around alone.
When a young lady declines dancing with a gentleman, it is her duty
to give him a reason why, although some thoughtless ones do not. No
matter how frivolous it may be, it is simply an act of courtesy to
offer him an excuse; while, on the other hand, no gentleman ought so
far to compromise his self-respect as to take the slightest offence at
seeing a lady by whom he has just been refused, dance immediately after
with some one else. A lady has a hundred motives for conduct which she
can not explain; and for a gentleman to take offence at her simple
declination to dance is very silly and unmanly.
During the act of dancing all parties should have on their summer
looks. Dancing is rightly supposed to be an _enjoyment_, but the somber
countenances of some who engage in it, might almost lead to the belief
that it were a solemn duty being performed. If, says a shrewd observer,
those who laugh in church would transfer their merriment to the
assembly-room, and those who are sad in the assembly-room would carry
their gravity to the church, they both might discover the appositeness
of Solomon's declaration, that "there is a time to be merry and a time
to be sad."
It should ever be the study of both sexes to render themselves
agreeable. Gentlemen, as we have said, should avoid showing _marked_
preference to particular ladies, by devoting their undivided attentions
to them, or dancing exclusively with them. Too often, the "belle of
the evening," with no other charms than beauty of form and feature,
monopolizes the regards of a circle of admirers, while modest merit, of
less personal attraction, is both overlooked and neglected. We honor
the generous conduct of those, particularly the "well-favored," who
bestow their attentions on ladies who, from conscious lack of beauty,
least expect them. The real man of sense will not fail to recognize
most solicitously any lady who may seem neglected or unattended.
On the other hand, no lady, however numerous the solicitations of her
admirers, should consent to dance repeatedly when, by so doing, she
excludes other ladies from participating in the same amusement; still
less, as we have hinted, should she dance exclusively with the same
gentleman, to the disadvantage of others.
What has elsewhere been said in regard to dress and ornament will apply
fully to the occasion of the dance. Let _simplicity_ be the guide, and
not display. The lady tricked out in many jewels and ribbons looks too
much like a moving advertisement to command respect for it. If ladies
generally knew how deep an impression a pure style of dress makes upon
the other sex, and realized how trifling a gaudy dress seems to the
person of true taste, we surmise their vanity alone would impel to
simpler attire, rather than to elaborate and costly display.
In regard to a gentleman's dress for the dance, we may add: white
gloves, white vest, light colored cravat, dress-coat, black pants,
and patent-leather gaiters, or light calf-skin boots well polished,
constitute the proper ball-room or soiree costume. The much talked
of "independence" of Americans, professes disdain of many of the
requisitions of dress established by good usage in England and France.
A _frock_-coat would not be tolerated a moment in any fashionable
society in Europe. Whether it be esteemed a prejudice or otherwise,
we are free to confess that, in our own opinion, the frock-coat is a
violation of good taste, as unsuited either to a ball-room or private
assembly. The ordinary dress-coat, which is in no respect in the way,
and which leaves the limbs perfectly free to move gracefully, is the
only proper coat for the party and dance.
When a lady has accepted refreshment, her attending gentleman should
hasten to relieve her of her glass or plate; and, as her cavalier,
should see that all her wants and wishes have been complied with. The
refreshments over, the gentleman should offer his arm and gallant the
lady to her seat in the ball-room; or, if she wishes to retire to
the dress-room, he should gallant her to the door, and there await
her coming out to convey her to the dancing-floor again. The ladies
dressing-room, it is unnecessary to say, is a sacred precinct into
which no man should ever presume to look; to go into it would be an
outrage which none could overlook or forgive.
When the hour comes for retiring home, be sure to be ready for the
lady whom you have accompanied to the dance; your obligations are not
discharged until she is again, under your own eyes, seen safely at her
own door. If you have come to the room unattended, select, during the
latter part of the evening, some lady who, it may seem, will be glad
of your company home; offer her your services and, if she signifies
assent, be careful to be ready at her call. Await at the door of the
dressing-room for her, and offering your arm do the gallant kindly but
not ostentatiously nor too officiously. Leave her at her own door,
after the bell has been answered, and not until then.
In leaving an evening-party it is unnecessary to seek the master of
the house. Your farewell will be dispensed with; you should leave
without disturbing any one to occasion remark. This rule is often
misunderstood, but it should not be.
CARDS, CHESS, ETC.
It is well at a ball, to have a table for cards and men for chess:
for all the guests are not dancers, and it is the duty of a host to
see that _all_ enjoy themselves. It is customary for partners to bow
slightly to each other before beginning a game of cards or chess. When
a game of cards is ended, and the "shuffle" is your partner's, the
cards should be arranged and handed to the lady whose turn it is to
deal them.
To discuss the rules of play is ungenteel. In a quiet party the tact
and cordiality of the entertainers should put all the guests at their
ease.
The choice of the guests is not one of the least difficult points.
At the house of a political man, there should be an effort to unite
all shades of opinion. From parties of any kind, a man known for his
gratuitous rudeness, or for the impropriety of his witticism, will
be excluded by all who are desirous of maintaining the proprieties
of social intercourse. Opposing politicians, editors, lawyers, and
ministers should _never_ carry their _professional_ feelings into the
parlor, nor, by any expression, mar the good-humor of an evening.
It is improper to express your opinion loudly in company, or to remain
long at the card-table when you are young and known to be a good
dancer.
It is a delicate attention to stand behind a lady at the piano and turn
over the leaves of her music-book, and after the music to gallant her
to her seat. After the dance, a gentleman must not omit to conduct his
partner to her seat; and in so doing, a well-turned compliment will not
be out of place.
We have noted the impropriety of a young man's remaining long at the
chess or the card table, when the ladies are in want of a partner in
the adjoining room. At the same time, a gentleman should be acquainted
with one or more games, as it is polite to play with the host or his
guests, if you are invited to do so.
Some persons, in playing cards, show an effort to conceal their hand;
this is ill-bred. If it be a pleasure to spectators to watch the game,
why should you object to it? Even if it be disagreeable to you to be
overlooked, you should not let it appear.
You will sometimes see one partner reproach another sharply for
unskillful play; thus convicting himself of being more unskilled in the
science of good-breeding.
The man who utters noisy complaints about his luck, or manifests
unseemly joy at winning a game, raising his voice to a high key on
all occasions, is so ignorant as to be unworthy of admission into a
drawing-room.
In playing chess, avoid the other extreme of being too silent and
abstracted, for such conduct is only fit for the study.
Use a cheerful air, and make others feel your geniality, if you would
win hearts as well as games.
ENTERTAINMENTS, DINNER-PARTIES, ETC.
"To give an invitation," says a brilliant writer, "is to take the
responsibility of your guest's happiness during the time he is under
your roof." This is an ambitious view of the subject; we will alter it
thus: "To invite a man, is to undertake to do all in your power to make
him feel satisfied with the pleasure you offer him." In order to do
which, it is essential to know the tastes of your guests. To invite two
persons at enmity with each other, to an entertainment, is a blunder;
it is unpardonable to bring such together in a small party, unless,
indeed, the way to reconciliation lies open; and even in this case
there is an awkwardness in the presence of enemies, which will not fail
to render their presence unpleasant to others.
"The pleasures of the table," says the author of the "Physiology of
Taste," "belong to all ages, to all ranks, to all countries; they may
be enjoyed with all other pleasures, and remain the longest to console
us for their loss." That this enjoyment may be undisturbed, take care
that nothing occurs to chagrin any of the guests; if, therefore, the
conversation falls upon a subject disagreeable to any one present,
good-breeding requires that the host should skillfully turn it upon
another topic.
An invitation to dinner should be given at least two days beforehand,
except in extraordinary cases. From an inferior to a superior, it
should be made in person.
In ceremonious dinners, the place of each guest is assigned beforehand;
you thus avoid putting several ladies together. Each one should have a
gentleman next her.
The host offers his arm to the lady deserving of most consideration.
Young people should yield to those more advanced in years. Do not
forget, in passing the threshold of a door, to _precede_ the lady who
leans on your arm. This is an exception to the general rule; in every
other case, the gentleman should retire a step, to allow the lady to
pass.
Before passing into the dining-room, each gentleman offers his _left_
arm to a lady, and conducts her to table.
Beware of arriving too early or too late: in either case there is an
awkwardness--in the former you inconvenience your host; in the latter,
his guests.
Once at table, you should not lose sight of the plate or glass of your
fair neighbor, showing yourself attentive, without affectation or
over-officiousness.
Meat should be cut only according as it is carried to the mouth. To cut
up a plateful is the very height of greediness and ill-breeding.
Bread is broken as it is wanted; after soup, which is served out by the
host, the spoon remains on the plate, as it will not be used again.
Where wine is used, three glasses are usually laid down to each guest
at dinner: one for ordinary wines; another of smaller size for claret;
the third to receive the sparkling foam of the champagne. In drinking
you should say to your neighbor, "Sir, may I offer you?" and not employ
the ungenteel phrase, "Will you take?" as if you were at the bar of
some ordinary drinking-saloon.
If the dish that you desire be too far from your neighbor, do not ask
another guest; the servant will attend your orders.
The noise of the knife and plate should be heard as little as possible;
rapidity in eating is also ill-bred.
A knowledge of carving is indispensable to all men who would act the
host with grace and propriety.
Do not assist yourself to any dish where servants stand ready to supply
you.
Some persons use their bread at dinner to dry up their plates; this is
intolerable beyond the family circle, and even there is rather childish.
Parents should be careful to save their children from awkwardness in
company, either in treading on a lady's dress, or using the knife in
eating; or worse still, their fingers.
Never take any thing out of your pocket to lay on the table.
The napkin should rest on the knees, only half unfolded. The fork is
never to be laid on its back.
The host has the knives changed for dessert.
The knife and fork, and the table utensils generally should never be
handed endways, but should be held by the middle.
Coffee is generally served after passing into the drawing room. The
lady of the house fills it out if it be after dinner; after breakfast
this office may be left to a servant.
The hostess should not seek to outvie her guests in the costliness of
her toilet. This would be in bad taste.
In England, it is the custom for ladies to retire a little before the
close of the meal. American ladies are not disposed to admire this
habit, and we are too gallant and too anxious to enjoy the charm of
their conversation, to subject them to this mode of banishment.
The lady of the house should show the same solicitude for all her
guests, and take care that they want for nothing.
In some houses, a custom has been adopted, which appears to us vulgar,
viz: the gentlemen retire from the company for a short time _to smoke_;
on their return to the ladies, their clothes and breath exhale the
disagreeable perfume. There are few well-bred women to whom tobacco is
not extremely offensive.
The host rises to leave the table; you must remember not to fold your
napkin, as is usual in the family, where the same napkin serves you
several times. Each gentleman offers his arm to a lady, and conducts
her back to the drawing-room.
The Romans knew how to enhance, by enjoyments unknown to us, the
pleasures of the table; and the Greeks threw more poetry into their
festivals than our somewhat prosaic eaters. At the banquets of Greece,
the sculptured cups were crowned with roses; singers and musicians
enlivened the close of the repast; and the wit of the professed jester
contributed to the entertainment of the guests.
The table and side-board and mantels will always look more inviting
when dressed tastefully in flowers. A sweet bouquet before each lady is
a personal compliment which it is easy to bestow, and one which can not
fail to please the guests.
ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET.
Good behavior upon the street, or public promenade, marks the gentleman
most effectually; rudeness, incivility, disregard of "what the world
says," marks the person of low breeding. We always know, in walking a
square with a man, if he is a gentleman or not. A real gentility never
does the following things on the street, in presence of observers:--
Never picks the teeth, nor scratches the head.
Never swears or talks uproariously.
Never picks the nose with the finger.
Never smokes, or spits upon the walk, to the exceeding annoyance of
those who are always disgusted with tobacco in any shape.
Never stares at any one, man or woman, in a marked manner.
Never scans a lady's dress impertinently, and makes no rude remarks
about her.
Never crowds before promenaders in a rough or hurried way.
Never jostles a lady or gentleman without an "excuse me."
Never treads upon a lady's dress without begging pardon.
Never loses temper, nor attracts attention by excited conversation.
Never dresses in an odd or singular manner, so as to create remark.
Never fails to raise his hat politely to a lady acquaintance; nor to
a male friend who may be walking with a lady--it is a courtesy to the
lady.
Of course a lady will not be rude, nor dress so as attract undue
attention, much less to create unpleasant remark. She will be kind to
all; she will not absorb too much of the walk, nor fail to give half
the way to either a lady or gentleman; she will not allow her skirts
to drag upon the walk to the annoyance of other pedestrians; she will
not fail to recognize friends by a pleasant smile and slight bow;
she will not look back at any one who has passed her; she will not
eye another lady's dress, as if studying its very texture; she will
not stop upon the walk to talk with a friend to the inconvenience of
others; she will not make the street a place of meeting with a person
whom she can not receive at her house. Some females do, it is true,
not regard all these laws of proper and recognized etiquette; and such,
we are forced to say, forfeit their claim to be called a lady. A true
lady in the street, as in the parlor or _salon_, is modest, discreet,
kind, obliging; if she is to the contrary, she forfeits her right to be
called after the truly genteel.
It is a most unfailing mark of ignorance and low origin to "put on
airs," and to show pride, vanity, egotism in the street. The truly
well-educated, well-born, and well-bred _never_ betray vanity, conceit,
superciliousness, nor hauteur. Set this down as an invariable law, and,
male or female, let it guide all your actions.
It is proper that the lady should _first_ recognize the gentleman.
There has been some dispute on this point of etiquette, but we think
there can be no question of the propriety of the first recognition
coming from the lady. A gentleman will never fail to bow in return to
a lady, even if he may feel coldly disposed toward her; but a lady may
not feel at liberty to return a gentleman's bow, which places him in a
rather unpleasant position. A lady should give the first smile or bow,
is the rule now recognized.
In meeting acquaintances several times during the same promenade, it is
not necessary to salute them at every passing.
In offering a lady your arm, as it is proper to do upon the street,
particularly in the evening, always give her the _right_ arm, because
persons in passing, observing the law "turn to the right," would jostle
her if she was upon the left arm. The practice of always giving the
lady the inside of the walk, is a very useless one, and not necessary
to true politeness.
It is always proper for a gentleman walking alone, or with another of
his sex, to give the lady, or a gentleman with a lady, the inside of
the walk.
In gallanting a lady to a carriage, take her left hand. It is truly
polite to take off the hat in such a service.
THE POLITENESS OF BUSINESS.