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BEADLE'S DIME
[Illustration]
BOOK OF PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE FOR LADIES AND GENTLEMEN:
Being a Guide to True Gentility and Good-Breeding, and a
Complete Directory to the Usages and Observances of Society.
Including Etiquette of the Ball Room, of the Evening Party,
the Dinner-Party, the Card and Chess Table, of Business, of
the Home Circle, &c., &c.
Prepared Expressly for the "Dime Series" by
A COMMITTEE OF THREE.
New York:
Irwin P. Beadle, & Co.,
No. 137 William Street.
Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1859,
by Irwin P. Beadle,
In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for
the Southern district of New York.
INTRODUCTION.
"THAT man is a gentleman!" How the heart opens to let him in, without
any further commendation! He may be wise, and rich, and remarked for
his genius; but if he be not a true gentleman, his gifts will not avail
to make him a favorite and a desirable companion.
"That woman is a lady!" What matter, then, if she is not clad in silks,
or is not beautiful of form or feature? She has the key which unlocks
all hearts for her, for to be a lady, implies high qualities and
gracious gifts of soul.
Why, then, are not all persons gentlemen and ladies? We can not
tell, except it be that some, and a large class of, persons look
upon politeness as something effeminate, or as fit only for fops;
and therefore make boors of themselves, because it is so manly to be
coarse and to do just as one pleases. Some are actually ignorant of
what constitutes true politeness, and err not from willfulness, but
from want of knowledge. But such persons are readily forgivable, for,
if their disposition is to be polite, they will find the way very easy
into the confidence of all, and will learn, ere long, what custom and
usage has sanctioned as fit and proper regulations for the intercourse
of men with men, women with women, and all with one another.
It is to such persons as those last-named, that we especially address
this little manual. To learn the usages of society is easy, if one only
_will_ learn; for, after all, these usages are not complicated and
burdensome, but grounded upon simplicity itself: the great law which
underlies all, is the blessed Golden Rule:
"_Do unto others as ye would that they should do unto you._"
We propose to give such suggestions, in the various departments of
social experience, as will advise the reader of the usages sanctioned
by eminent authority, and of the deportment proper and acceptable
to well-bred persons; and flatter ourselves that, if our advice is
followed, this "DIME BOOK OF ETIQUETTE" will prove entirely competent
to fit its attentive reader to move with credit and self-respect in any
circle where a true lady or gentleman always finds ready recognition.
CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION, iii
ENTRANCE INTO SOCIETY:
General Observations--Case of the Bashful Young
Man--Enter Society Early--Avoid Forwardness and
Romping--Snobs--Fops--Bores--The Secret of Making Yourself
at Ease--Good-Nature everything, 7
GENERAL OBSERVANCES FOR VISITS, ETC.:
The several Kinds of Visits--Styles of Dress
appropriate--Proper Time to Call--Make a brief Stay--Visits
to the Newly-Married--Of Condolence--After a Party--on New
Year's day, etc., 13
SPECIAL OBSERVANCES FOR ALL OCCASIONS:
Directions for all to Learn by Heart, in Regard to Dress,
Demeanor, Conversation, etc., etc., 16
THE FORMULA OF INTRODUCTIONS:
How to "Introduce"--General Forms to be Observed--When
Introductions are Proper--Promiscuous Introductions
Improper, 20
ON DRESS AND ORNAMENTS:
Good Dress highly Proper and Necessary--The kind of Garments
proper for Various Occasions--Jewelry and "Flash" Dressing
vulgar--When Jewelry is in Good Taste--Special advice
to Females upon Their Dress--Flowers, Jewels, Feathers,
Arrangement of Hair, etc., etc., 21
ON CLEANLINESS AND FASTIDIOUSNESS:
The Hands, Nails, Mouth, Teeth, etc., etc.--Bathe Frequently
for Purity of Complexion--Tobacco and Smell of Smoke
Offensive and Forbidden in the House or in the Presence of
Ladies--"Broken" garments--Neatness inseparable from True
Gentility, 24
CONVERSATION AND PERSONAL ADDRESS:
The Various Talkers--How to Talk and When--The kind
of Subjects proper to Introduce--Pedantry out of
Place--Impropriety of Personalities--Good Talking and Good
Manners always go Together, 25
WRITING OF LETTERS, ETC.:
How to Address, and kind of Paper to Use--Seals, Franks,
Superscriptions, etc.--The Forms generally Used--On
Style--The Proprieties of Language--Praise and Flattery out
of Place--Models not always Available--Letters to Friends--A
"Dime Letter Writer" in Press, 27
BALLS, EVENING-PARTIES, RECEPTIONS, ETC.:
Whole Etiquette and Observances of these Occasions, with
Special Remarks to both Sexes upon Deportment, Proprieties,
etc.--A Chapter for all Young Persons to Read, 31
THE CARD AND CHESS TABLE, ETC.:
Etiquette of Sociable Games--Chess and its
Proprieties--Cheerfulness a Necessary Companion for all
Players, 38
ENTERTAINMENTS, DINNER-PARTIES, ETC.:
The whole Etiquette of such Occasions, including General and
Special Directions, 40
ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET:
Explicit Directions for Behavior on the Street--A True
Gentleman known by his Demeanor--How to Treat Ladies, 43
THE POLITENESS OF BUSINESS:
How Proper Politeness is, in Employees and Employers--Rules
which should Invariably Mark their Deportment, 46
ADVICE TO THE WORKING-MAN:
Politeness Essential to all--Boorishness Intolerable and
Injurious--The true Relation between the various Workers in
Society, 47
LOVE, COURTSHIP, AND MARRIAGE:
A Chapter by an Eminent Author--The Language of
True Love and its Expression--The True Relations
of the Sexes--Coquetry and Flirting a Mark of
Baseness--Courtship--Its Modes of Procedure and its Proper
Manifestation--Its Attendant Responsibilities--Marriage--The
Solemn Character of the Occasion--Its Forms of Procedure,
and Rites of the Ceremony--After-Marriage Customs and
Observances, 48
RESPECT FOR RELIGION AND OLD AGE:
Remarks Designed for the Young of both Sexes, and Advice
they will not Fail to Profit by, 53
SPECIAL WORD, FOR LADIES ONLY:
The Necessities of Particular Styles of Dress--Velvets,
Muslins, Complexion, etc.--A fair Face should be Always in
Smiles, 55
CONFIDENTIAL ADVICE TO YOUNG MEN:
The Great, Invariable Law of Compensations--The True
Principles of Conduct, the and grand Secret of Success, 57
CULTIVATE A TASTE FOR THE BEAUTIFUL:
What "the Beautiful" is--Its great Utility in Modifying
our Tastes and in Directing our Habits--Art, Music, Books,
Female Companionship, all to be Cultivated Sedulously, 59
ETIQUETTE OF HORSEBACK RIDING:
The Uses of this Noble Exercise--The Rules of the Road and
the Proper Attentions to Offer--The Dress, etc., 62
THE LAWS OF HOME ETIQUETTE:
A Chapter for Every One to Read and to Commit to Memory--How
Homes are made Models of Happiness and Comfort--The Laws of
Intercourse with Guests and with Members of the Family, 64
CARDS OF INVITATION FOR ALL OCCASIONS:
The Formulas of Invitations, Cards of Address, Calling
Cards, Wedding Cards, Letters of Introduction, etc., etc., 70
BEADLE'S
DIME BOOK
OF
ETIQUETTE.
ENTRANCE INTO SOCIETY.
HAS the moment arrived when you are called upon to cast aside your
youthful associations and youthful irresponsibilities to take your
place in society as a man or woman? It is a most important moment--one
which deserves the consideration of a thoughtful study; for, upon a
proper knowledge of what belongs to true manhood, true womanhood, does
much of your after-life success depend. If you are ignorant of the laws
of politeness, of the rules and observances of true sociality, of the
means necessary to render yourself an agreeable companion and a useful
member of the social circle, you begin life at immense disadvantage,
and will never cease to regret that ignorance. It is such an easy
matter to become familiar with the usages and proprieties of social
life that ignorance is inexcusable; and when we see men of sense and
sagacity behaving, in an assembly, at a party, at the dinner-table, at
the card-table, like half-tutored savages,--rude, awkward, uncivil, a
source of annoyance to their friends, we feel a degree of indignation
rather than of pity, since it is so easy to learn how to behave, that
there really is no good excuse for boorishness and awkward deportment.
To illustrate, let us narrate the case of our young friend
Falconbridge, whose _entree_ into society afforded a subject of
laughter and comment for weeks after the incidents which he has had the
courage to place before us as a warning. He tells his story thus:
"I pulled the bell with a most nervous twitch; I 'walked in' with
fear and misgivings; in the parlor not only sat Miss Jones, but her
two cousins, the old lady, a maiden aunt, and some four or five of
the junior branches of the Jones family. I got through, though it was
fearful work. I set my hat on the center-table, and it fell off; I
picked it up, and in doing so, hit my nose against a pile of gilt-edged
literature, and down it came pell-mell; but the children came to my
rescue, and I finally found myself armed by a lady each side--the
cousins! Imagine my feelings--Miss J. going in advance, _en route_,
down the avenue to the portly residence of Misses Degrands. We entered
the vestibule; I had not spoken a word all the way; the two pretty
cousins and Miss J. doing a heap of conversation. In the hall the old
negro servant made a grab at my hat, but I held on, and in triumph
carried it into the parlor, where, in the midst of introductions,
flaring of lamps, and waving and fluttering of silks and cashmeres,
bowing, scraping, fuss and feathers, to all of which I was more or less
deaf and blind, down upon a piano-stool in the corner I dropped my hat.
"The two cousins froze to me, introduced me; I bowed; one of the Miss
Degrands came forward; I was introduced, and as she, in the tip of
fashion, made her perfectly grand theatrical bow to me, grabbed her
by the hand in the most democratic manner imaginable, and shook it
most heartily. She not only blushed, but, by her eyes, I saw that
she was likewise mad as a hornet. Her sister and her had a word, and
then her sister avoided me. Things grew no better fast; from one
bungle I got into another. In _whist_ I was ignorant and awkward; in
a hop waltz with one of the cousins, I trod on her toes, until she
screamed; and, in trying to mend the matter, I stepped on the flounces
of Miss Degrand's dress and tore off five yards at least. In despair,
I backed down, saw a seat, rushed to it, and down I sat upon my hat!
In confusion I arose, snatched up the pancake-looking affair, which I
frenziedly held up to public gaze. There was a roar of laughter--in
which I did not join, I assure you; I gave a rush forward, hit the
corner of the table, tilted over the astral lamp!--such a crash!--I
kept on, I made for the door which just then old Degrand was entering
_avant courier_ of his old negro man, who bore a large tray well
filled with wine in glasses. I struck the old gentleman so forcibly
that he fell upon Pompey, glasses, and wine; and, on my mad career, I
proceeded. Going out the wrong end of the hall, I found myself in a
dark dining-room; but, jerking open the first door in advance, I went
out into a hall, thence to an anteroom; groping in the dark, I struck
my forehead against a half-open door, saw bushels of stars, and--_fell
senseless_!
"How or when I got home, the Lord only knows; but, for one week, I had
a head too big for my hat, and a pair of terrifically black eyes. As
soon as able to travel, I left that 'settlement' never to return."
Now this is no overwrought scene, but one which could easily have
happened to any bashful, awkward, disconcerted young person. The great
error he made was in not going into society perfectly _self-possessed_,
from having a right knowledge of what was proper in company. In the
first place, he had _waited too long_ before entering into society,
and, secondly, he had not informed himself at all upon the most common
proprieties of the parlor. What else could have been expected than
discomfiture and disgrace?
As a rule, then, let us recommend all young persons to enter into
social intercourse ere they become "of age." It is a most admirable
experience to meet in friendly chat with a friend or two--to spend
an evening with an intelligent lady, and to learn by degrees the
confidence and reliance which will serve to carry you bravely through
the evening at the brilliant rooms of fashion and gay company. It will
be found, by both sexes, that timidity wears off rapidly by simple
social converse; and the young man or woman who proposes to become a
gentleman or lady should not fail to embrace every opportunity for
meeting with well-mannered and intelligent friends--to spend an evening
with them--to read, talk, walk, ride with them--to go out to concerts,
to the theater, to the pic-nic, excursion, church, or evening party.
Timidity is not a sin--it is merely a _fault_ which will soon wear
away, and a proper self-possession will take its place, if the novice
in society will use all necessary means to overcome the feeling which
takes fright at a smile, and is disconcerted by a frown.
In seeking to overcome bashfulness, let there be a careful study
to avoid the very common extreme of forwardness. This is the more
unbearable because it is a sin of commission, while bashfulness is a
sin of omission. To be forward, rude, intrusive, argues a sad want
of good breeding which no leniency will overlook. In a female this
rudeness is absolutely unbearable, because it so outrages all ideas of
feminine graces and virtues--it makes us think the person _coarse_,
and this very feeling divests us of the respect, the reverence which
should always be felt for the "gentle sex." We say earnestly to those
young girls who bandy words with provoking young men, who always romp
when they are abroad, and win the name of being "independent," that
you very much injure yourself in the estimation of all well-mannered
persons, and do your character the injustice of having it considered
_un_-feminine. Be gay, be cheerful, be the spirit of every company,
but at the same time preserve the delicacy, the refinement, the grace,
which are the surest virtues for conquering admiration, for winning
love.
"Snobs" are always impudent, and generally are ignorant persons.
They are rude as the monkey is rude, because they really do not
know what constitutes good breeding. Their tailor literally "makes
the man"--their whole mind is given to the tie of their cravat, and
their boots absorb much of their hardest efforts at philosophy. They
are simply nuisances--a blot on the fair name of man; and should be
regarded as an _extensive_ species of ape.
"Fops" are not always "snobs." A person may be very vain of dress,
and make a silly display of dry goods and jewelry, and still be very
genteel and perfectly polished in manners. The love of show is a strong
passion in a larger class of persons than is generally supposed, for
many who do not wear the latest styles still have peculiarities of
dress or ornament which are the result of as great a degree of vanity
as besets the more gaudily dressed. It is a weakness to be vain of
dress, for it places a virtue in goods which does not belong to it--it
elevates a perishable and purchasable commodity above the truer and
nobler attributes of mind.
"Bores" are a large class, and number such a variety of species as to
baffle definition. Let it suffice for us to say, a man or woman is a
bore when they are _intruders_, either upon persons' time or company.
To know when to leave, when to cease conversation, when to offer
attentions, to solicit favors, is to know how to behave well; and no
person will err who is educated in gentility, or whose apprehension
of what is right is not befogged by "charming illusions." One of
the worst bores we ever met was a female, who acted as a kind of
purveyor-general to the community for every charity which called for an
active benevolence. This lady would come into our study at any moment,
would force us into hearing which we did not wish to hear, and into
giving what we did not conscientiously think it right to give--so great
was her faculty for "talking things into a person." She and her friends
thought her a very valuable woman; we then thought her to be, and now
know her to have been, a most unmitigated bore of the "benevolent"
school.
We have here described these several enemies of good breeding, because
we do not wish to recur to them again: let us here beg of our readers
to make such application of the suggestions as will prevent any of them
from becoming either "snobs," "fops," or "bores."
Once in the presence of company, large or small, forget yourself so far
as to become _one of the number_--lose yourself, your hands, and feet,
and eyes, in the feeling of non-individualism, without which there
really can be no real enjoyment. What is called _abandon_ is a sense of
non-individuality--a forgetfulness of self so far as to enter keenly
into the spirit of the time and occasion. Give yourself no particular
_anxiety_ about your person, your demeanor, your words and ways: you
can, if not perfectly "at home," have a care to demean yourself well
and creditably; but do not be anxious about it, for anxiety breeds
a disquiet which is fatal to enjoyment and to a good impression upon
others. Good-nature is every thing in society, as in business--it
overcomes many a mountain of difficulty, and achieves a success where
no sternness or anxious solicitude would avail.
In regard to the formulas of introductions, cards of invitation, etc.,
too much stress is laid by writers upon etiquette, who leave the
impression that there is a whole chapter of Greek verbs to learn before
the debutant in society can become familiar with necessary forms.
There is little, indeed, to cause alarm, the forms being just what any
person's common-sense would dictate as being proper. We will give,
in the chapter succeeding, such general observances and formulas for
introductions, etc., as seem necessary to "post" our readers upon the
subject.
GENERAL OBSERVANCES, INTRODUCTIONS, ETC.
Among the gentilities of life, visits hold a first place, and deserve
attention. Their various occasion, their different character and
purpose, their meaning are multiple, and have, therefore, some forms
necessary to be preserved. We may remark that visits are classified
as follows, viz.: visits of mere form and policy; visits of real
friendship; visits of congratulation and of condolence; visits to give
out invitations for dinner, or a dance, or an evening party; visits
of state, where the party called upon is a "lion," an eminent person,
etc., etc.
The general style of dress to be adopted upon all these occasions, is
one of studied neatness rather than of display or of elegance. Display
upon such occasions is really vulgar--it should be reserved for the gay
and brilliant soiree or evening company, if it is made at all.
The _time_ for the visit is _after_ twelve o'clock, noon; before that
hour the lady of the house is supposed to be busy at her household
duties, and in getting the rooms in order for the day: never make a
call before that hour.
Occupy but a brief time in your call, for you know not how much the
lady of the house may have to do, nor where she may wish to go, hence
it is best always to make your call brief. If strongly urged to remain
longer, it would be impolite to go in haste; but, as a general thing,
let fifteen or twenty minutes be the time spent in the visit. You will
not then be voted a "bore," but, on the other hand, will be considered
a pleasant caller--particularly if you have made yourself agreeable.
Should another person be announced or enter on a visit before your own
visit is finished, it is but proper for you immediately to retire,
unless you may be intimate with both the host and the new-comer, and
are invited to remain. Otherwise be not precipitate to leave, but
politely withdraw, for you do not know what "confidences" there may be
to be talked over.
Visits of congratulation upon occasion of marriage, or safe return from
a journey, or long absence, or escape from calamity, should be at as
early a moment as the party seems ready for such visits; and should be
always made when you entertain a regard for the person interested. It
is now the practice for newly-married people to send out their cards to
those of their old friends with whom they wish to renew acquaintance in
their new relationships; and it is a sign that you do not wish to renew
the acquaintance if you fail to respond to the card by calling. If you
fail to call, the parties can not consistently recognize you afterward,
except you have some good and sufficient apology to offer for your
absence from their reception-rooms.
Visits of condolence are too much neglected in this "fast" country of
ours. In Europe the custom of calling upon those who have suffered a
loss by death is quite general. The call, of course, should be brief,
and the words offered of the kindest and most considerate character. It
will greatly relieve the pangs of sorrow for the living to feel that
others are solicitous for their welfare.
After you have attended a party, soiree, or sociable, it is proper to
call upon your host within a fortnight, to make inquiries after his
or her health, and to remark upon the pleasure you experienced on the
occasion of the party. This is a pleasant way of showing your friends
that their efforts to please you are appreciated.
New Year visits, strangely enough, are not general in this country
outside of a few large cities. The first day of the New Year is
set apart for general "calls," when houses are "open," and all are
privileged to enter who are friends of the host, or who are in company
with a person who is on the calling list of the house. It is _not_
proper for a perfect stranger to enter a room and introduce himself to
the ladies present, just because the door is "open;" if you wish to
call upon the receivers of company, get some proper friend to introduce
you. Even the freedom of New Year's day will not excuse a liberty with
strangers.
In many instances houses are not open to "calls," on New Year's day,
for various reasons. In cases of this kind, it is a pleasant reminder
of your existence, and of your wish to continue your social relations
for the year, to send in your card sometime during January, or, what is
better, to call sometime during the month, and re-establish yourself in
the list of friends of the party.
Of the various _technicalities_ of these several occasions, we may say:
Never forget to enter the room with thoroughly-cleaned boots. Always
use the scraper and mats at the door.
If you meet any one on the staircase, you should uncover, whoever it
may be. You should do the same in case of an introduction.
If you have a cane, keep it in your hand, and be careful not to make
much noise with your boots.
When a new visitor enters a drawing-room, if it be a gentleman, the
ladies bow slightly; if a lady, every one rises.
Beware of asking the hour, or of taking out your watch during a visit;
avoid spitting on the floor--your pocket-handkerchief will serve your
purpose. To place your hat on any article of furniture when you enter a
room is ungenteel; to lay it on a bed is unpardonable. You must hold it
in your hand, or leave it with your over-coat in the anteroom. Crossing
the legs, and stretching them out at full length, are equally improper.
The last arrival in a drawing-room takes a seat left vacant near the
mistress of the house.
A lady is not required to rise on receiving a gentleman, nor to
accompany him to the door.
If you are invited to lay down your hat, place it beside, _not_ before
you.
A _young_ man will avoid sitting in an arm-chair--which should always
be awarded to the ladies or old gentlemen present. Leave the seat next
the fire to superiors in age or position. The children of the family
should assist their parents in receiving visitors, relieve the ladies
of their wrappings, provide seats, and accompany to the door.
Never look about you in a room, as if you were making an inventory.
The gloves should not be removed during a visit. To brush your hat with
your hand will expose you to the charge of extreme vulgarity.
At the entrance of a visitor you should rise. A professional man in his
office is alone exempted from this custom.
A lady does not put her address on her visiting-card. We may here also
add these further general hints and suggestions:
Naturalness is an essential item in good-breeding. Hear what La
Bruyere thinks on this important question: "Some young people do not
sufficiently understand the advantages of natural charms, and how much
they would gain by trusting to them entirely. They weaken these gifts
of heaven, so rare and fragile, by affected manners and an awkward
imitation. Their tones and their gait are borrowed; they study their
attitudes before the glass, until they have lost all trace of natural
manner, and, with all their pains, they please but little."
Without being vain, a young girl should be careful of her person.
Nothing is more repugnant to good taste, than an air of neglect in the
toilet and deportment of woman. The hair and head-dress especially
require care and neatness.
Beware of imitating those people who never know what to do with their
bodies, and can never keep their hands quiet.
Swinging on one's chair is extremely ill-bred.
The eye-glass stuck in the eye, denotes either the dandy, the clerk, or
the student. This custom is in no way disagreeable to the passers-by,
but it has an air of ill-breeding and impertinence.
To follow a lady in the street, and turn the head to stare at her,
is still more impertinent than to do so in a promenade, especially
in cities, for reasons which can not be further averted to in a book
intended for young persons of both sexes.
Familiarity with servants should be avoided, but they should always be
addressed with civility.
Some people, in speaking to you, have a silly habit of passing their
hand through the hair, or stroking the mustache; some even carry a
pocket-comb, which they produce on all occasions, for dressing the
beard; others bite their nails, play with their watch-key, or jingle
the money in their pocket; all these offences against propriety denote
a want of good-breeding.
Excess in perfume should be avoided, lest the suspicion be excited that
you deal in the odors that you inhale.
Good-sense has often more to do than education, in making a polished
man.
One of the essential qualities of good-breeding, is deserving general
esteem by one's deportment.
In little social games, a malicious girl will sometimes amuse herself
by imposing on a companion a forfeit that will make her ridiculous;
this shows a bad disposition of mind as well as ill-breeding.
If, in offering a lady a gift, you select one that is very costly, you
may be guilty of an impertinence.
To speak in society of private matters, is extremely improper.
Turning up the sleeves on sitting down to table, as some persons do, is
gross in the highest degree.
A habit of swearing always marks a vulgar man.
Calling to the waiter with a loud voice in a public-room, and striking
violently on the table, are indicative of extreme ignorance.
A snuff-taker should not take out his box at table; his neighbor will
be little pleased at receiving the stray grains in his plate.
Indiscreet questions are impertinent, as well as unseasonable harangues.
You should be ready to act the knight, if a lady in your company is
attacked. If she give offence, and that without reason, your office
is that of mediator. You should even ask pardon for your companion. A
bully would act otherwise; but it is absurd to get into a quarrel for
the sake of maintaining that a person who is insolent has a right to be
so, and that because he is of your company. You will show yourself, in
acting thus, as ill-bred as he.
If, in doing an obliging act, you make people feel the obligation, you
deprive it entirely of its value.
If you speak of a friend to a person who is not intimate with both him
and you, preface his name with the word Mr. It would not be proper to
say to a servant or a porter, "Is Julius here?" You must say, "Is Mr.
Julius here?"
A servant who understands propriety, always speaks of his superiors in
the third person.
When you receive a present, it would be an offence to the donor to
dismiss the porter without a gratuity.
If the honor of a woman be attacked, you should always defend it. It is
not allowable for any one to assail the reputation of a lady, even if
she be open to censure.
In walking with a lady in the street, leave her the inner side of the
pavement. If you meet friends in a narrow passage, or on a footpath,
be careful not to block up the way. It would be very impolite to
inconvenience the passers-by in this manner.
In whatever society you are, it is unpardonable to remain covered
in the presence of a lady. Louis XIV., going one day on foot out of
the castle of Versailles, uncovered before a vender of cakes who was
stationed near the gate. The courtiers having expressed their surprise;
"Gentlemen," said the monarch, "is not the king's mother a woman?" Our
readers may also remember the incident related of Henry Clay: a negro
woman courtesied to him, when he raised his hat politely to her in
return. "What!" said a friend, "do you recognize negroes?" The noble
reply was: "I never allow negroes to excel me in good manners."
When your visitor retires, you should accompany him to the anteroom,
and save him the trouble of opening the door. In the case of a lady or
an old gentleman, it is proper to go to the foot of the staircase.
THE FORMULA OF INTRODUCTIONS.
We shall say only a few words about presentations. The same form is
always observed, "Let me introduce to you Mr. B.;" or, "Mr. Jones,
allow me to present to you Mr. Smith;" or, "I have the honor to
present to you my intimate friend." Introduce no person until you are
sure it is agreeable to _both_ parties. Ladies should always be asked
if they wish to know Mr. ---- ere he is presented to them. The rule
_invariably_ is, to introduce gentlemen _to_ ladies--_not_ ladies
_to_ gentlemen. Or, in case of men to men, always present the younger
_to_ the older--the lesser _to_ the greater. We Americans, in our
disregard of rank and position, are too apt to overlook the courtesies
established among gentlemen. The person thus presented bows, the host
repeats the oft-spoken compliment, and, with a graceful rejoinder, the
ceremony concludes.
Both ladies and gentlemen should be careful about introducing persons
to each other, without being first satisfied that such a course will be
mutually agreeable.
The custom in this country, particularly among gentlemen, of
indiscriminate introductions, is carried to such a ridiculous extent,
that it has often been made the subject of comment by foreigners, who
can discover no possible advantage in being made acquainted with others
with whom they are not likely to associate for three minutes, in whom
they take not the slightest interest, and whom they probably will never
again encounter, nor recognize if they should. Besides, every one
has a right to exercise his own judgment and taste in the selection
of acquaintances, and it is clearly a breach of politeness to thrust
them upon your friend or associate, without knowing whether it Will be
agreeable to either party.
ON DRESS AND ORNAMENTS.
A man is judged of by his appearance, and seldom incorrectly. A neat
exterior, equally free from extravagance and poverty, always proclaims
a right-minded and sensible man. To dress appropriately, and with good
taste, is to respect yourself and others.
A black coat and trowsers are indispensable for a visit of ceremony, an
entertainment, an evening party, or a ball. The white or black vest is
equally proper in any of these cases. _Very ceremonious_ visits require
a dress shoe and a white vest. The hand should always be gloved on such
occasions. Always wear kids in dancing. A gentleman, when in dress and
out of his business, should also walk out gloved. One hand may be
uncovered; the one you will extend if you meet an acquaintance.
If it be not well-bred for a gentleman out of business hours to appear
in the street or at church without gloves, it is still less so for a
lady.
Rings and heavy gold chains are _not_ in good taste. Some young
persons, of both sexes, have a strong desire to sport gold and
jewels; but let them remember that such is the taste of gamblers and
courtesans, and they may realize how really vulgar is too much jewelry.
To a woman, the toilet is indeed a study, to which she should devote
a proper portion of her time; and, sure of being well-skilled in the
art, she is impatient of the observations of the critic. All do not,
however, escape the charge of vulgarity. We sometimes see dresses in
which the ill-assorted or showy colors spoil the effect of the richest
material. The various articles of dress must be well-chosen, so as to
produce an agreeable _harmony_. Never put on a dark-colored bonnet with
a light, spring costume. Avoid uniting colors which will suggest an
epigram--such as a straw-colored dress, with a green bonnet. [Of the
last-named style of head-gear you must especially beware, unless you
have an extremely fair complexion; otherwise your malicious rivals will
assert that your face resembles a citron, surrounded by its foliage.]
The arrangements of the hair is an important affair. Bands are becoming
to faces of a Grecian cast--while ringlets better suit those lively and
expressive heads which resemble the beautiful Ninon. But, whatever be
your style of countenance, avoid a cumbrous edifice of lace mixed with
hair, and let your flowers be few and choice. A spray or two of heath,
the delicate blossoms of the jessamine, violets--orange blossoms,
a white rose--these simple ornaments are most suitable to a young
girl, and even of these she should not be too prodigal, for beauty
_unadorned_ is adorned the most.
In a married woman, a richer style of ornament is admissible.
Feathers in her bonnet, a necklace, a camellia or jewels in her hair
are allowable in the wife, but for a young girl, a style of modest
simplicity is far more impressive and becoming. We shall state what is
known to be a fact, when we say ladies who attract most observation,
are those dressed with the most studied simplicity, while those
with most ornament are treated with less deference, and excite less
compliment.
An important maxim to be observed is, that the most elegant dress loses
its merit, if it is not worn with grace. Young girls often have an air
of constraint, and their dress seems to partake of their want of ease.
The celebrated Sappho is said to have attended to the arrangement even
of the folds of her mantle. She is indeed fortunate, who can give an
easy flexibility to her figure, and graceful movements to her head: she
will always appear graceful and well-dressed.
There are women whose dress is extravagant--folly of this kind should
be avoided: a simple style of dress is ever _proof_ of modesty, and one
never loses by appearing to be modest.
For many valuable recipes for the toilet, and hints and suggestions in
reference to the complexion, the hair, the teeth, etc., see "BEADLE'S
DIME RECIPE BOOK."
ON CLEANLINESS.
If there be one thing that we should recommend more than another, it
is cleanliness. We might, indeed, abstain from this caution, upon the
supposition that the reader can not stand in need of it. But, to clear
our conscience, we devote a chapter to the subject. The hands should
receive special attention, as they serve for a specimen of the rest.
Every morning wash them with plenty of soap and water, then with the
brush, clean your nails, cut them, and beware of the dark crescent
which gets the name of half-mourning; nothing can be more disgusting.
Let your face and neck be clean; we particularly recommend attention to
the ears.
Rinse your mouth often; in the morning, to remove the impurities of the
night; after dinner, to avoid making others acquainted with the meats
you have partaken of; and at night, before retiring to rest, that you
may sleep more sweetly. If you are given to the really filthy habit of
using tobacco, in _any_ shape, _never_ appear in any social circle, or
to any friend for whom you have any respect, with the _odor_ of the
stuff about you. Let your use of it be as much in secret as possible.
No gentleman will ever smoke a cigar where its smoke can give the least
offence. In Boston smoking is positively prohibited in the streets: it
should be in every city.
Frequent baths are absolutely necessary, and still more, frequent
foot-baths, with tepid water and soap; for the dust that one acquires
in walking, changes its name at the end of three days, and in making a
call, your friends will be aware of your presence before they have seen
you. Let your hat and clothes be carefully brushed.
Nothing is more disagreeable in either sex, than soiled shoes or
stockings. It shows either great negligence or uncleanliness. Let your
linen be perfectly white, and your dress spotless.
How often do we see women walking in the street with a torn or frayed
dress, or a _broken_ stocking. Idleness alone is the cause of such
things; it is _so_ easy to stop a rent, and certainly it can not be
said that thread is dear.
A dress ever so simple, and cheap, if it be neat, is preferable to
finery and dirt: one is respectable, the other is not.
In the pocket-handkerchief great nicety should be observed, both from
regard to appearances, and for the sake of personal comfort. It should
be white and always clean. A dirty handkerchief is an abomination. A
drop of perfume on it will make it all the pleasanter to yourself and
to others.
Perfect cleanliness in _all_ things gives one a feeling of
self-respect. It not only affords an agreeable sensation of comfort,
but imparts an air of confidence, springing from the consciousness that
you need not fear the investigations or ridicule of any who approach
you. It will procure you an acquittal for many little defects of heart,
or mind, or temper, and win you respect where you may least expect to
make a favorable impression.
CONVERSATION.
It is rare to meet with persons who can converse agreeably; and yet
how many kinds of talkers there are in the world. First comes the man
who details his own adventures, bringing in even his boyish escapades,
in order to keep up the continuous discharge; the gastronomic talker,
who regales you with a description of famous dishes; the detailer of
empty trifles; the exquisite Leander of every hysterical dame; the
universal grumbler, who sees nothing of the sun but its spots; the
self-constituted reporter of every kind of scandal; with many others
too numerous to mention.
If you wish to make yourself agreeable to a lady, turn the conversation
adroitly upon taste, or art, or books, or persons, or events of the
day. Make her smile--suffer her to be superior in any encounter of
wit--and she will pronounce you "the most charming of men." You will
have shown yourself clever and well-bred. Never seem studied in your
phrases, nor talk above the comprehension or contrary to the taste of
the person addressed, otherwise you may be voted either a pedant or a
bore.
The woman who wishes her conversation to be agreeable will avoid
conceit or affectation, and laughter which is not natural and
spontaneous. Her language will be easy and unstudied, marked by a
graceful carelessness, which, at the same time, never oversteps the
limits of propriety. Her lips will readily yield to a pleasant smile;
she will not love to hear herself talk; her tones will bear the impress
of sincerity, and her eyes kindle with animation, as she speaks. The
art of pleasing is, in truth, the very soul of good-breeding; for the
precise object of the latter is to render us agreeable to all with whom
we associate: to make us, at the same time, esteemed and loved.
We need scarcely advert to the rudeness of interrupting any one who
is speaking, or to the impropriety of pushing, to its full extent, a
discussion which has become unpleasant.
Some men have a mania for Greek and Latin quotations; this is a
peculiarity to be avoided. Nothing is more wearisome than pedantry.
If you feel your intellectual superiority to any one with whom you are
conversing, do not seek to bear him down; it would be an inglorious
triumph and a breach of good manners. Beware, too, of speaking lightly
of subjects which bear a sacred character. No person, man or woman,
will think the more of you for irreligious expression.
Witlings occasionally gain a reputation in society; but nothing
is more insipid and in worse taste than their conceited harangues
and self-sufficient air. Do NOT TRY to be witty. True wit comes
spontaneously, and is not forced.
It is a common idea that the art of writing and the art of conversation
are one; this is a great mistake. A man of genius may be a very dull
talker.
The two grand modes of making conversation interesting, are to enliven
it by recitals calculated to affect and impress your hearers, and to
intersperse it with anecdotes and agreeable relations.
ADDRESS OF LETTERS, DIRECTIONS FOR WRITING, ETC.
A letter addressed to a person of eminence should have a seal on the
envelope; for other letters the ordinary envelope is sufficient.
Letter paper (other than for business) with designs of any kind is in
questionable taste, as are seals ornamented with flowers and figures.
Perfectly plain paper should be preferred: it may be embossed with
the writer's initials. On the birth-days of your relations, and on
the festival of the New Year, you can hardly dispense with written
congratulations.
In writing to a superior employ paper of full "letter" size; write the
name, and in the line underneath the words, "Dear Sir." Leave a line
between this word and the first line of your letter. Always write to
the point--using not a superfluous or meaningless word, and be as brief
as possible. Abbreviations are admissible in notes entered in a book of
reference, but not elsewhere, except in commercial correspondence.
Letters of invitation and circulars should always be franked; and if
the distance be not too great, they should be sent by hand.
A letter given to a third person, if it be a letter of introduction,
should _not_ be sealed.
In writing to an official, leave a large margin, for he may need it for
marginal notes.
A young man writing to one advanced in years, should not conclude his
letter with the common phrase, "Receive, sir, the assurance of my
regard." It should be, "Accept, sir, this expression of the regards of
your very humble servant."
This formula may be employed in writing to an equal, "Accept, sir, the
assurance of my highest esteem;" or, "I have the honor to be yours,
very truly."
To a lady, "Accept, madam, the assurance of my respect;" or, "I am, my
dear lady, yours very sincerely."
It is ill-bred to write on a half-sheet; the shortest letter requires a
whole one.
All letters must be pre-paid. And stamps should _always_ be remitted,
where an answer is expected, if your own affairs are concerned. Never
impose postage upon a friend: it is a contemptible act to make a
person, after the trouble of writing to you on your business, pay his
own postage.
A few words on epistolary style. Few persons know how to write a good
letter. The epistolary style, in general, should be very simple; pathos
would be absurd where you have to speak of the common occurrences
of life, the follies of the world, its petty hatreds and vanities.
Be as respectful and as lively as you can in writing to an old man:
old people love sprightliness. The surest way to please in your
correspondence is to acquaint yourself with the characters of the
persons with whom you interchange letters, to avoid touching their
foibles, to speak to them on the subjects they have studied, or of
which they are especially fond. In addressing a lady, imply your
opinion of her taste by seeking her advice on subjects which require
it. Never weary of burning incense; there is an altar in the heart
of woman, and even of man, always ready to receive its fragrance.
The design of good-breeding is to make you agreeable to every one;
write your letters so that each one reading them will be pleased and
satisfied. Adulation or flattery is very unbecoming, except it is
positively deserved; and then it should be given in terms which will
not compromise good taste and good judgment.
If there be a phrase happily worded in the letter addressed to you,
ever so little, do not suffer it to fall to the ground; preserve it,
and in your reply, show that you have appreciated it.
If a correspondent uses improper language toward you, let your reply
be polite, even if it is severe; you will thus inflict a double
wound--showing yourself to be a man of dignity, and know how to
preserve your self-respect.
Refrain from addressing extravagant praise to a man of discernment; he
will see that you have some purpose in what you say, and you will make
an enemy. No praise is extravagant to fools; tell them that they are
gods, and they will set about procuring an altar; but you would view
yourself with contempt if you were mean enough to praise such.
Avoid the folly of copying, _as models_, letters to which peculiar
circumstances impart brilliancy or genuine wit; but which, applied from
different cases, are strangely out of place.
If you address one beneath you in education or position, don't make him
feel his inferiority; be polite without familiarity, as politeness is
_due_ from every man of good parts to those beneath him.
If you write an epistle respecting a common occurrence in a style of
bombast or would-be-eloquence, you will suggest an application to
yourself of the fable of the mountain which brought forth a mouse.
In all cases, where it is possible, avoid erasures and crowded lines.
Letters between friends are simply conversation; from an inferior to
a superior they should have a tone of caution, at once concise and
respectful. A letter of business is expressed in brief and precise
terms, with details arranged in exact order. Letters of congratulation
should be distinguished for choice language, to the exclusion of all
expressions parasitical or common-place. As to the style which a son
should employ in writing to his parents, there is no instructor but
the heart. In every case and circumstance be truthful and earnest, and
you may rest assured you will impress favorably, and accomplish your
purpose a thousandfold better than if you used deceitful and false
expressions.
The DIME LETTER WRITER will embody all that is necessary to enable the
young person, or the novice, to write letters intelligibly, properly,
and satisfactorily. It will contain besides models for hints, a
complete directory to correct composition.
BALLS, EVENING-PARTIES, RECEPTIONS, ETC.
To deport oneself satisfactorily at the dance, it is necessary to
understand much about the dances which may be introduced. It is a
charming accomplishment to be a good dancer, and we shall not hesitate
to advise all, male and female, to learn the Terpsichorean art, ere
the days of youth are past. It is unnecessary to argue the _pros_ and
_cons_ of the proprieties and moralities of the dance; we prefer to let
each judge for him or herself on the debated question; but, that it is
a real accomplishment, and a desirable one, to be familiar with the
etiquette and technicalities of the ball or soiree, is our most firm
conviction, and we therefore introduce such observations and rules here
as should govern the occasions of balls, soirees, receptions, etc.