keep you company as far as my home. The advantages of travelling
together are obvious."
"I cannot do that," said the Race Horse; "I am following my master to
Washington. I did not go fast enough to suit him, and he has gone on
ahead."
"Who is your master?" inquired the Statesman.
"He is the Statesman who saved his country," answered the Race Horse.
"There appears to be some mistake," the other said. "Why did he wish to
travel so fast?"
"So as to be there in time to get the country that he saved."
"I guess he got it," said the other, and limped along, sighing.
An AErophobe
A Celebrated Divine having affirmed the fallibility of the Bible, was
asked why, then, he preached the religion founded upon it.
"If it is fallible," he replied, "there is the greater reason that I
explain it, lest it mislead."
"Then am I to infer," said his Questioner, "that _you_ are not fallible?"
"You are to infer that I am not pneumophagous."
The Thrift of Strength
A Weak Man going down-hill met a Strong Man going up, and said:
"I take this direction because it requires less exertion, not from
choice. I pray you, sir, assist me to regain the summit."
"Gladly," said the Strong Man, his face illuminated with the glory of his
thought. "I have always considered my strength a sacred gift in trust
for my fellow-men. I will take you along with me. Just get behind me
and push."
The Good Government
"What a happy land you are!" said a Republican Form of Government to a
Sovereign State. "Be good enough to lie still while I walk upon you,
singing the praises of universal suffrage and descanting upon the
blessings of civil and religious liberty. In the meantime you can
relieve your feelings by cursing the one-man power and the effete
monarchies of Europe."
"My public servants have been fools and rogues from the date of your
accession to power," replied the State; "my legislative bodies, both
State and municipal, are bands of thieves; my taxes are insupportable; my
courts are corrupt; my cities are a disgrace to civilisation; my
corporations have their hands at the throats of every private
interest--all my affairs are in disorder and criminal confusion."
"That is all very true," said the Republican Form of Government, putting
on its hobnail shoes; "but consider how I thrill you every Fourth of
July."
The Life Saver
An Ancient Maiden, standing on the edge of a wharf near a Modern Swain,
was overheard rehearsing the words:
"Noble preserver! The life that you have saved is yours!"
Having repeated them several times with various intonations, she sprang
into the water, where she was suffered to drown.
"I am a noble preserver," said the Modern Swain, thoughtfully moving
away; "the life that I have saved is indeed mine."
The Man and the Bird
A Man with a Shotgun said to a Bird:
"It is all nonsense, you know, about shooting being a cruel sport. I put
my skill against your cunning-that is all there is of it. It is a fair
game."
"True," said the Bird, "but I don't wish to play."
"Why not?" inquired the Man with a Shotgun.
"The game," the Bird replied, "is fair as you say; the chances are about
even; but consider the stake. I am in it for you, but what is there in
it for me?"
Not being prepared with an answer to the question, the Man with a Shotgun
sagaciously removed the propounder.
From the Minutes
An Orator afflicted with atrophy of the organ of common-sense rose in his
place in the halls of legislation and pointed with pride to his Unblotted
Escutcheon. Seeing what it supposed to be the finger of scorn pointed at
it, the Unblotted Escutcheon turned black with rage. Seeing the
Unblotted Escutcheon turning black with what he supposed to be the record
of his own misdeeds showing through the whitewash, the Orator fell dead
of mortification. Seeing the Orator fall dead of what they supposed to
be atrophy of the organ of common-sense, his colleagues resolved that
whenever they should adjourn because they were tired, it should be out of
respect to the memory of him who had so frequently made them so.
Three of a Kind
A Lawyer in whom an instinct of justice had survived the wreck of his
ignorance of law was retained for the defence of a burglar whom the
police had taken after a desperate struggle with someone not in custody.
In consultation with his client the Lawyer asked, "Have you accomplices?"
"Yes, sir," replied the Burglar. "I have two, but neither has been
taken. I hired one to defend me against capture, you to defend me
against conviction."
This answer deeply impressed the Lawyer, and having ascertained that the
Burglar had accumulated no money in his profession he threw up the case.
The Fabulist and the Animals
A Wise and illustrious Writer of Fables was visiting a travelling
menagerie with a view to collecting literary materials. As he was
passing near the Elephant, that animal said:
"How sad that so justly famous a satirist should mar his work by ridicule
of people with long noses--who are the salt of the earth!"
The Kangaroo said:
"I do so enjoy that great man's censure of the ridiculous--particularly
his attacks on the Proboscidae; but, alas! he has no reverence for the
Marsupials, and laughs at our way of carrying our young in a pouch."
The Camel said:
"If he would only respect the sacred Hump, he would be faultless. As it
is, I cannot permit his fables to be read in the presence of my family."
The Ostrich, seeing his approach, thrust her head in the straw, saying:
"If I do not conceal myself, he may be reminded to write something
disagreeable about my lack of a crest or my appetite for scrap-iron; and
although he is inexpressibly brilliant when he devotes himself to censure
of folly and greed, his dulness is matchless when he transcends the
limits of legitimate comment."
"That," said the Buzzard to his mate, "is the distinguished author of
that glorious fable, 'The Ostrich and the Keg of Raw Nails.' I regret to
add, that he wrote, also, 'The Buzzard's Feast,' in which a carrion diet
is contumeliously disparaged. A carrion diet is the foundation of sound
health. If nothing else but corpses were eaten, death would be unknown."
Seeing an attendant approaching, the wise and illustrious Writer of
Fables passed out of the tent and mingled with the crowd. It was
afterward discovered that he had crept in under the canvas without
paying.
A Revivalist Revived
A Revivalist who had fallen dead in the pulpit from too violent religious
exercise was astonished to wake up in Hades. He promptly sent for the
Adversary of Souls and demanded his freedom, explaining that he was
entirely orthodox, and had always led a pious and holy life.
"That is all very true," said the Adversary, "but you taught by example
that a verb should not agree with its subject in person and number,
whereas the Good Book says that contention is worse than a dinner of
herbs. You also tried to release the objective case from its thraldom to
the preposition, and it is written that servants should obey their
masters. You stay right here."
The Debaters
A Hurled-Back Allegation, which, after a brief rest, had again started
forth upon its mission of mischief, met an Ink-stand in mid-air.
"How did the Honourable Member whom you represent know that I was coming
again?" inquired the Hurled-back Allegation.
"He did not," the Inkstand replied; "he isn't at all forehanded at
repartee."
"Why, then, do you come, things being even when he had hurled me back?"
"He wanted to be a little ahead."
Two of the Pious
A Christian and a Heathen in His Blindness were disputing, when the
Christian, with that charming consideration which serves to distinguish
the truly pious from the wolves that perish, exclaimed:
"If I could have my way, I'd blow up all your gods with dynamite."
"And if I could have mine," retorted the Heathen in His Blindness,
bitterly malevolent but oleaginuously suave, "I'd fan all yours out of
the universe."
The Desperate Object
A Dishonest Gain was driving in its luxurious carriage through its
private park, when it saw something which frantically and repeatedly ran
against a stone wall, endeavouring to butt out its brains.
"Hold! Hold! thou desperate Object," cried the Dishonest Gain; "these
beautiful private grounds are no place for such work as thine."
"True," said the Object, pausing; "I have other and better grounds for
it."
"Then thou art a happy man," said the Dishonest Gain, "and thy bleeding
head is but mere dissembling. Who art thou, great actor?"
"I am known," said the Object, dashing itself again at the wall, "as the
Consciousness of Duty Well Performed."
The Appropriate Memorial
A High Public Functionary having died, the citizens of his town held a
meeting to consider how to honour his memory, and an Other High Public
Functionary rose and addressed the meeting.
"Mr. Chairman and Gintlemen," said the Other, "it sames to me, and I'm
hopin' yez wull approve the suggistion, that an appropriet way to honour
the mimory of the decaised would be to erect an emolument sootably
inscribed wid his vartues."
The soul of the great man looked down from Heaven and wept.
A Needless Labour
After waiting many a weary day to revenge himself upon a Lion for some
unconsidered manifestation of contempt, a Skunk finally saw him coming,
and posting himself in the path ahead uttered the inaudible discord of
his race. Observing that the Lion gave no attention to the matter, the
Skunk, keeping carefully out of reach, said:
"Sir, I beg leave to point out that I have set on foot an implacable
odour."
"My dear fellow," the Lion replied, "you have taken a needless trouble; I
already knew that you were a Skunk."
A Flourishing Industry
"Are the industries of this country in a flourishing condition?" asked a
Traveller from a Foreign Land of the first man he met in America.
"Splendid!" said the Man. "I have more orders than I can fill."
"What is your business?" the Traveller from a Foreign Land inquired.
The Man replied, "I make boxing-gloves for the tongues of pugilists."
The Self-Made Monkey
A Man of humble birth and no breading, who held a high political office,
was passing through a forest, when he met a Monkey.
"I take it you are one of my constituents," the Man said.
"No," replied the Monkey; "but I will support you if you can urge a valid
claim to my approval."
"I am a self-made man," said the other, proudly.
"That is nothing," the Monkey said. And going to a bigger pine, he rose
by his own unaided exertions to the top branch, where he sat, all
bedaubed with the pitch which that vegetable exudes. "Now," he added, "I
am a self-made Monkey."
The Patriot and the Banker
A Patriot who had taken office poor and retired rich was introduced at a
bank where he desired to open an account.
"With pleasure," said the Honest Banker; "we shall be glad to do business
with you; but first you must make yourself an honest man by restoring
what you stole from the Government."
"Good heavens!" cried the Patriot; "if I do that, I shall have nothing to
deposit with you."
"I don't see that," the Honest Banker replied. "We are not the whole
American people."
"Ah, I understand," said the Patriot, musing. "At what sum do you
estimate this bank's proportion of the country's loss by me?"
"About a dollar," answered the Honest Banker.
And with a proud consciousness of serving his country wisely and well he
charged that sum to the account.
The Mourning Brothers
Observing that he was about to die, an Old Man called his two Sons to his
bedside and expounded the situation.
"My children," said he, "you have not shown me many marks of respect
during my life, but you will attest your sorrow for my death. To him who
the longer wears a weed upon his hat in memory of me shall go my entire
fortune. I have made a will to that effect."
So when the Old Man was dead each of the youths put a weed upon his hat
and wore it until he was himself old, when, seeing that neither would
give in, they agreed that the younger should leave off his weeds and the
elder give him half of the estate. But when the elder applied for the
property he found that there had been an Executor!
Thus were hypocrisy and obstinacy fitly punished.
The Disinterested Arbiter
Two Dogs who had been fighting for a bone, without advantage to either,
referred their dispute to a Sheep. The Sheep patiently heard their
statements, then flung the bone into a pond.
"Why did you do that?" said the Dogs.
"Because," replied the Sheep, "I am a vegetarian."
The Thief and the Honest Man
A Thief who had brought a suit against his accomplices to recover his
share of the plunder taken from an Honest Man, demanded the Honest Man's
attendance at the trial to testify to his loss. But the Honest Man
explained that as he was merely the agent of a company of other honest
men it was none of his affair; and when the officers came to serve him
with a subpoena he hid himself behind his back and wiled away the
dragging hours of retirement and inaction by picking his own pockets.
The Dutiful Son
A Millionaire who had gone to an almshouse to visit his father met a
Neighbour there, who was greatly surprised.
"What!" said the Neighbour, "you do sometimes visit your father?"
"If our situations were reversed," said the Millionaire, "I am sure he
would visit me. The old man has always been rather proud of me.
Besides," he added, softly, "I had to have his signature; I am insuring
his life."
AESOPUS EMENDATUS
The Cat and the Youth
A Cat fell in love with a handsome Young Man, and entreated Venus to
change her into a woman.
"I should think," said Venus, "you might make so trifling a change
without bothering me. However, be a woman."
Afterward, wishing to see if the change were complete, Venus caused a
mouse to approach, whereupon the woman shrieked and made such a show of
herself that the Young Man would not marry her.
The Farmer and His Sons
A Farmer being about to die, and knowing that during his illness his Sons
had permitted the vineyard to become overgrown with weeds while they
improved the shining hour by gambling with the doctor, said to them:
"My boys, there is a great treasure buried in the vineyard. You dig in
the ground until you find it."
So the Sons dug up all the weeds, and all the vines too, and even
neglected to bury the old man.
Jupiter and the Baby Show
Jupiter held a baby show, open to all animals, and a Monkey entered her
hideous cub for a prize, but Jupiter only laughed at her.
"It is all very well," said the Monkey, "to laugh at my offspring, but
you go into any gallery of antique sculpture and look at the statues and
busts of the fellows that you begot yourself."
"'Sh! don't expose me," said Jupiter, and awarded her the first prize.
The Man and the Dog
A Man who had been bitten by a Dog was told that the wound would heal if
he would dip a piece of bread in the blood and give it to the Dog. He
did so.
"No," said the Dog; "if I were to accept that, it might be thought that
in biting you I was actuated by improper motives."
"And by what motives were you actuated?" asked the Man.
"I desired," replied the Dog, "merely to harmonise myself with the Divine
Scheme of Things. I'm a child of Nature."
The Cat and the Birds
Hearing that the Birds in an aviary were ill, a Cat went to them and said
that he was a physician, and would cure them if they would let him in.
"To what school of medicine do you belong?" asked the Birds.
"I am a Miaulopathist," said the Cat.
"Did you ever practise Gohomoeopathy?" the Birds inquired, winking
faintly.
The Cat took the hint and his leave.
Mercury and the Woodchopper
A Woodchopper, who had dropped his axe into a deep pool, besought Mercury
to recover it for him. That thoughtless deity immediately plunged into
the pool, which became so salivated that the trees about its margin all
came loose and dropped out.
The Fox and the Grapes
A Fox, seeing some sour grapes hanging within an inch of his nose, and
being unwilling to admit that there was anything he would not eat,
solemnly declared that they were out of his reach.
The Penitent Thief
A Boy who had been taught by his Mother to steal grew to be a man and was
a professional public official. One day he was taken in the act and
condemned to die. While going to the place of execution he passed his
Mother and said to her:
"Behold your work! If you had not taught me to steal, I should not have
come to this."
"Indeed!" said the Mother. "And who, pray, taught you to be detected?"
The Archer and the Eagle
An Eagle mortally wounded by an Archer was greatly comforted to observe
that the arrow was feathered with one of his own quills.
"I should have felt bad, indeed," he said, "to think that any other eagle
had a hand in this."
Truth and the Traveller
A Man travelling in a desert met a Woman.
"Who art thou?" asked the Man, "and why dost thou dwell in this dreadful
place?"
"My name," replied the Woman, "is Truth; and I live in the desert in
order to be near my worshippers when they are driven from among their
fellows. They all come, sooner or later."
"Well," said the Man, looking about, "the country doesn't seem to be very
thickly settled here."
The Wolf and the Lamb
A Lamb, pursued by a Wolf, fled into the temple.
"The priest will catch you and sacrifice you," said the Wolf, "if you
remain there."
"It is just as well to be sacrificed by the priest as to be eaten by
you," said the Lamb.
"My friend," said the Wolf, "it pains me to see you considering so great
a question from a purely selfish point of view. It is not just as well
for me."
The Lion and the Boar
A Lion and a Boar, who were fighting for water at a pool, saw some
vultures hovering significantly above them. "Let us make up our
quarrel," said the Boar, "or these fellows will get one of us, sure."
"I should not so much mind that," replied the Lion, "if they would get
the right one. However, I am willing to stop fighting, and then perhaps
I can grab a vulture. I like chicken better than pork, anyhow."
The Grasshopper and the Ant
One day in winter a hungry Grasshopper applied to an Ant for some of the
food which they had stored.
"Why," said the Ant, "did you not store up some food for yourself,
instead of singing all the time?"
"So I did," said the Grasshopper; "so I did; but you fellows broke in and
carried it all away."
The Fisher and the Fished
A Fisherman who had caught a very small Fish was putting it in his basket
when it said:
"I pray you put me back into the stream, for I can be of no use to you;
the gods do not eat fish."
"But I am no god," said the Fisherman.
"True," said the Fish, "but as soon as Jupiter has heard of your exploit,
he will elevate you to the deitage. You are the only man that ever
caught a small fish."
The Farmer and the Fox
A Farmer who had a deadly and implacable hatred against a certain Fox,
caught him and tied some tow to his tail; then carrying him to the centre
of his own grain-field, set the tow on fire and let the animal go.
"Alas!" said the Farmer, seeing the result; "if that grain had not been
heavily insured, I might have had to dissemble my hatred of the Fox."
Dame Fortune and the Traveller
A Weary Traveller who had lain down and fallen asleep on the brink of a
deep well was discovered by Dame Fortune.
"If this fool," she said, "should have an uneasy dream and roll into the
well men would say that I did it. It is painful to me to be unjustly
accused, and I shall see that I am not."
So saying she rolled the man into the well.
The Victor and the Victim
Two Game Cocks, having fought a battle, the defeated one skulked away and
hid, but the victor mounted a wall and crowed lustily. This attracted
the attention of a hawk, who said:
"Behold! how pride goeth before a fall."
So he swooped down upon the boasting bird and was about to destroy him,
when the vanquished Cock came out of his hiding-place, and between the
two the Hawk was calamitously defeated.
The Wolf and the Shepherds
A Wolf passing a Shepherd's hut looked in and saw the shepherds dining.
"Come in," said one of them, ironically, "and partake of your favourite
dish, a haunch of mutton."
"Thank you," said the Wolf, moving away, "but you must excuse me; I have
just had a saddle of shepherd."
The Goose and the Swan
A Certain rich man reared a Goose and a Swan, the one for his table, the
other because she was reputed a good singer. One night when the Cook
went to kill the Goose he got hold of the Swan instead. Thereupon the
Swan, to induce him to spare her life, began to sing; but she saved him
nothing but the trouble of killing her, for she died of the song.
The Lion, the Cock, and the Ass
A Lion was about to attack a braying Ass, when a Cock near by crowed
shrilly, and the Lion ran away. "What frightened him?" the Ass asked.
"Lions have a superstitious terror of my voice," answered the Cock,
proudly.
"Well, well, well," said the Ass, shaking his head; "I should think that
any animal that is afraid of your voice and doesn't mind mine must have
an uncommon kind of ear."
The Snake and the Swallow
A Swallow who had built her nest in a court of justice reared a fine
family of young birds. One day a Snake came out of a chink in the wall
and was about to eat them. The Just Judge at once issued an injunction,
and making an order for their removal to his own house, ate them himself.
The Wolves and the Dogs
"Why should there be strife between us?" said the Wolves to the Sheep.
"It is all owing to those quarrelsome dogs. Dismiss them, and we shall
have peace."
"You seem to think," replied the Sheep, "that it is an easy thing to
dismiss dogs. Have you always found it so?"
The Hen and the Vipers
A Hen who had patiently hatched out a brood of vipers, was accosted by a
Swallow, who said: "What a fool you are to give life to creatures who
will reward you by destroying you."
"I am a little bit on the destroy myself," said the Hen, tranquilly
swallowing one of the little reptiles; "and it is not an act of folly to
provide oneself with the delicacies of the season."
A Seasonable Joke
A Spendthrift, seeing a single swallow, pawned his cloak, thinking that
Summer was at hand. It was.
The Lion and the Thorn
A Lion roaming through the forest, got a thorn in his foot, and, meeting
a Shepherd, asked him to remove it. The Shepherd did so, and the Lion,
having just surfeited himself on another shepherd, went away without
harming him. Some time afterward the Shepherd was condemned on a false
accusation to be cast to the lions in the amphitheatre. When they were
about to devour him, one of them said:
"This is the man who removed the thorn from my foot."
Hearing this, the others honourably abstained, and the claimant ate the
Shepherd all himself.
The Fawn and the Buck
A Fawn said to its father: "You are larger, stronger, and more active
than a dog, and you have sharp horns. Why do you run away when you hear
one barking?"
"Because, my child," replied the Buck, "my temper is so uncertain that if
I permit one of those noisy creatures to come into my presence I am
likely to forget myself and do him an injury."
The Kite, the Pigeons, and the Hawk
Some Pigeons exposed to the attacks of a Kite asked a Hawk to defend
them. He consented, and being admitted into the cote waited for the
Kite, whom he fell upon and devoured. When he was so surfeited that he
could scarcely move, the grateful Pigeons scratched out his eyes.
The Wolf and the Babe
A Famishing Wolf, passing the door of a cottage in the forest, heard a
Mother say to her babe:
"Be quiet, or I will throw you out of the window, and the wolves will get
you."
So he waited all day below the window, growing more hungry all the time.
But at night the Old Man, having returned from the village club, threw
out both Mother and Child.
The Wolf and the Ostrich
A Wolf, who in devouring a man had choked himself with a bunch of keys,
asked an ostrich to put her head down his throat and pull them out, which
she did.
"I suppose," said the Wolf, "you expect payment for that service."
"A kind act," replied the Ostrich, "is its own reward; I have eaten the
keys."
The Herdsman and the Lion
A Herdsman who had lost a bullock entreated the gods to bring him the
thief, and vowed he would sacrifice a goat to them. Just then a Lion,
his jaws dripping with bullock's blood, approached the Herdsman.
"I thank you, good deities," said the Herdsman, continuing his prayer,
"for showing me the thief. And now if you will take him away, I will
stand another goat."
The Man and the Viper
A Man finding a frozen Viper put it into his bosom.
"The coldness of the human heart," he said, with a grin, "will keep the
creature in his present condition until I can reach home and revive him
on the coals."