decision to a passing Coyote, who was a bit of a demagogue and desirous
to stand well with both.
"Gentlemen," said he, "you are both right, as was to have been expected
by persons so gifted with appliances for receiving instruction from the
wise. You, sir,"--turning to the superior animal--"are, as he has
accurately observed, a rabbit. And you"--to the other--"are correctly
described as a jackass. In transposing your names man has acted with
incredible folly."
They were so pleased with the decision that they declared the Coyote
their candidate for the Grizzly Bearship; but whether he ever obtained
the office history does not relate.
The Honest Citizen
A Political Preferment, labelled with its price, was canvassing the State
to find a purchaser. One day it offered itself to a Truly Good Man, who,
after examining the label and finding the price was exactly twice as
great as he was willing to pay, spurned the Political Preferment from his
door. Then the People said: "Behold, this is an honest citizen!" And
the Truly Good Man humbly confessed that it was so.
A Creaking Tail
An American Statesman who had twisted the tail of the British Lion until
his arms ached was at last rewarded by a sharp, rasping sound.
"I knew your fortitude would give out after a while," said the American
Statesman, delighted; "your agony attests my political power."
"Agony I know not!" said the British Lion, yawning; "the swivel in my
tail needs a few drops of oil, that is all."
Wasted Sweets
A Candidate canvassing his district met a Nurse wheeling a Baby in a
carriage, and, stooping, imprinted a kiss upon the Baby's clammy muzzle.
Rising, he saw a Man, who laughed.
"Why do you laugh?" asked the Candidate.
"Because," replied the Man, "the Baby belongs to the Orphan Asylum."
"But the Nurse," said the Candidate--"the Nurse will surely relate the
touching incident wherever she goes, and perhaps write to her former
master."
"The Nurse," said the Man who had laughed, "is an inmate of the
Institution for the Illiterate-Deaf-and-Dumb."
Six and One
The Committee on Gerrymander worked late, drawing intricate lines on a
map of the State, and being weary sought repose in a game of poker. At
the close of the game the six Republican members were bankrupt and the
single Democrat had all the money. On the next day, when the Committee
was called to order for business, one of the luckless six mounted his
legs, and said:
"Mr. Chairman, before we bend to our noble task of purifying politics, in
the interest of good government I wish to say a word of the untoward
events of last evening. If my memory serves me the disasters which
overtook the Majority of this honourable body always befell when it was
the Minority's deal. It is my solemn conviction, Mr. Chairman, and to
its affirmation I pledge my life, my fortune, and my sacred honour, that
that wicked and unscrupulous Minority redistricted the cards!"
The Sportsman and the Squirrel
A Sportsman who had wounded a Squirrel, which was making desperate
efforts to drag itself away, ran after it with a stick, exclaiming:
"Poor thing! I will put it out of its misery."
At that moment the Squirrels stopped from exhaustion, and looking up at
its enemy, said:
"I don't venture to doubt the sincerity of your compassion, though it
comes rather late, but you seem to lack the faculty of observation. Do
you not perceive by my actions that the dearest wish of my heart is to
continue in my misery?"
At this exposure of his hypocrisy, the Sportsman was so overcome with
shame and remorse that he would not strike the Squirrel, but pointing it
out to his dog, walked thoughtfully away.
The Fogy and the Sheik
A Fogy who lived in a cave near a great caravan route returned to his
home one day and saw, near by, a great concourse of men and animals, and
in their midst a tower, at the foot of which something with wheels smoked
and panted like an exhausted horse. He sought the Sheik of the Outfit.
"What sin art thou committing now, O son of a Christian dog?" said the
Fogy, with a truly Oriental politeness.
"Boring for water, you black-and-tan galoot!" replied the Sheik of the
Outfit, with that ready repartee which distinguishes the Unbeliever.
"Knowest thou not, thou whelp of darkness and father of disordered
livers," cried the Fogy, "that water will cause grass to spring up here,
and trees, and possibly even flowers? Knowest thou not, that thou art,
in truth, producing an oasis?"
"And don't you know," said the Sheik of the Outfit, "that caravans will
then stop here for rest and refreshments, giving you a chance to steal
the camels, the horses, and the goods?"
"May the wild hog defile my grave, but thou speakest wisdom!" the Fogy
replied, with the dignity of his race, extending his hand. "Sheik."
They shook.
At Heaven's Gate
Having arisen from the tomb, a Woman presented herself at the gate of
Heaven, and knocked with a trembling hand.
"Madam," said Saint Peter, rising and approaching the wicket, "whence do
you come?"
"From San Francisco," replied the Woman, with embarrassment, as great
beads of perspiration spangled her spiritual brow.
"Never mind, my good girl," the Saint said, compassionately. "Eternity
is a long time; you can live that down."
"But that, if you please, is not all." The Woman was growing more and
more confused. "I poisoned my husband. I chopped up my babies. I--"
"Ah," said the Saint, with sudden austerity, "your confession suggests a
very grave possibility. Were you a member of the Women's Press
Association?"
The lady drew herself up and replied with warmth:
"I was not."
The gates of pearl and jasper swung back upon their golden hinges, making
the most ravishing music, and the Saint, stepping aside, bowed low,
saying:
"Enter, then, into thine eternal rest."
But the Woman hesitated.
"The poisoning--the chopping--the--the--" she stammered.
"Of no consequence, I assure you. We are not going to be hard on a lady
who did not belong to the Women's Press Association. Take a harp."
"But I applied for membership--I was blackballed."
"Take two harps."
The Catted Anarchist
An Anarchist Orator who had been struck in the face with a Dead Cat by
some Respector of Law to him unknown, had the Dead Cat arrested and taken
before a Magistrate.
"Why do you appeal to the law?" said the Magistrate--"You who go in for
the abolition of law."
"That," replied the Anarchist, who was not without a certain hardness of
head, "that is none of your business; I am not bound to be consistent.
You sit here to do justice between me and this Dead Cat."
"Very well," said the Magistrate, putting on the black cap and a solemn
look; "as the accused makes no defence, and is undoubtedly guilty, I
sentence her to be eaten by the public executioner; and as that position
happens to be vacant, I appoint you to it, without bonds."
One of the most delighted spectators at the execution was the anonymous
Respector of Law who had flung the condemned.
The Honourable Member
A Member of a Legislature, who had pledged himself to his Constituents
not to steal, brought home at the end of the session a large part of the
dome of the Capitol. Thereupon the Constituents held an indignation
meeting and passed a resolution of tar and feathers.
"You are most unjust," said the Member of the Legislature. "It is true I
promised you I would not steal; but had I ever promised you that I would
not lie?"
The Constituents said he was an honourable man and elected him to the
United States Congress, unpledged and unfledged.
The Expatriated Boss
A Boss who had gone to Canada was taunted by a Citizen of Montreal with
having fled to avoid prosecution.
"You do me a grave injustice," said the Boss, parting with a pair of
tears. "I came to Canada solely because of its political attractions;
its Government is the most corrupt in the world."
"Pray forgive me," said the Citizen of Montreal.
They fell upon each other's neck, and at the conclusion of that touching
rite the Boss had two watches.
An Inadequate Fee
An Ox, unable to extricate himself from the mire into which he sank, was
advised to make use of a Political Pull. When the Political Pull had
arrived, the Ox said: "My good friend, please make fast to me, and let
nature take her course."
So the Political Pull made fast to the Ox's head and nature took her
course. The Ox was drawn, first, from the mire, and, next, from his
skin. Then the Political Pull looked back upon the good fat carcase of
beef that he was dragging to his lair and said, with a discontented
spirit:
"That is hardly my customary fee; I'll take home this first instalment,
then return and bring an action for salvage against the skin."
The Judge and the Plaintiff
A Man of Experience in Business was awaiting the judgment of the Court in
an action for damages which he had brought against a railway company. The
door opened and the Judge of the Court entered.
"Well," said he, "I am going to decide your case to-day. If I should
decide in your favour, I wonder how you would express your satisfaction?"
"Sir," said the Man of Experience in Business, "I should risk your anger
by offering you one half the sum awarded."
"Did I say I was going to decide that case?" said the Judge, abruptly, as
if awakening from a dream. "Dear me, how absent-minded I am. I mean I
have already decided it, and judgment has been entered for the full
amount that you sued for."
"Did I say I would give you one half?" said the Man of Experience in
Business, coldly. "Dear me, how near I came to being a rascal. I mean,
that I am greatly obliged to you."
The Return of the Representative
Hearing that the Legislature had adjourned, the people of an Assembly
District held a mass-meeting to devise a suitable punishment for their
representative. By one speaker it was proposed that he be disembowelled,
by another that he be made to run the gauntlet. Some favoured hanging,
some thought that it would do him good to appear in a suit of tar and
feathers. An old man, famous for his wisdom and his habit of drooling on
his shirt-front, suggested that they first catch their hare. So the
Chairman appointed a committee to watch for the victim at midnight, and
take him as he should attempt to sneak into town across-lots from the
tamarack swamp. At this point in the proceedings they were interrupted
by the sound of a brass band. Their dishonoured representative was
driving up from the railway station in a coach-and-four, with music and a
banner. A few moments later he entered the hall, went upon the platform,
and said it was the proudest moment of his life. (Cheers.)
A Statesman
A Statesman who attended a meeting of a Chamber of Commerce rose to
speak, but was objected to on the ground that he had nothing to do with
commerce.
"Mr. Chairman," said an Aged Member, rising, "I conceive that the
objection is not well taken; the gentleman's connection with commerce is
close and intimate. He is a Commodity."
Two Dogs
The Dog, as created, had a rigid tail, but after some centuries of a
cheerless existence, unappreciated by Man, who made him work for his
living, he implored the Creator to endow him with a wag. This being done
he was able to dissemble his resentment with a sign of affection, and the
earth was his and the fulness thereof. Observing this, the Politician
(an animal created later) petitioned that a wag might be given him too.
As he was incaudate it was conferred upon his chin, which he now wags
with great profit and gratification except when he is at his meals.
Three Recruits
A Farmer, an Artisan, and a Labourer went to the King of their country
and complained that they were compelled to support a large standing army
of mere consumers, who did nothing for their keep.
"Very well," said the King, "my subjects' wishes are the highest law."
So he disbanded his army and the consumers became producers also. The
sale of their products so brought down prices that farming was ruined,
and their skilled and unskilled labour drove the artisans and labourers
into the almshouses and highways. In a few years the national distress
was so great that the Farmer, the Artisan, and the Labourer petitioned
the King to reorganize the standing army.
"What!" said the King; "you wish to support those idle consumers again?"
"No, your Majesty," they replied--"we wish to enlist."
The Mirror
A Silken-Eared Spaniel, who traced his descent from King Charles the
Second of England, chanced to look into a mirror which was leaning
against the wainscoting of a room on the ground floor of his mistress's
house. Seeing his reflection, he supposed it to be another dog, outside,
and said:
"I can chew up any such milksoppy pup as that, and I will."
So he ran out-of-doors and around to the side of the house where he
fancied the enemy was. It so happened that at that moment a Bulldog sat
there sunning his teeth. The Spaniel stopped short in dire
consternation, and, after regarding the Bulldog a moment from a safe
distance, said:
"I don't know whether you cultivate the arts of peace or your flag is
flung to the battle and the breeze and your voice is for war. If you are
a civilian, the windows of this house flatter you worse than a newspaper,
but if you're a soldier, they do you a grave injustice."
This speech being unintelligible to the Bulldog he only civilly smiled,
which so terrified the Spaniel that he dropped dead in his tracks.
Saint and Sinner
"My friend," said a distinguished officer of the Salvation Army, to a
Most Wicked Sinner, "I was once a drunkard, a thief, an assassin. The
Divine Grace has made me what I am."
The Most Wicked Sinner looked at him from head to foot. "Henceforth," he
said, "the Divine Grace, I fancy, will let well enough alone."
An Antidote
A Young Ostrich came to its Mother, groaning with pain and with its wings
tightly crossed upon its stomach.
"What have you been eating?" the Mother asked, with solicitude.
"Nothing but a keg of Nails," was the reply.
"What!" exclaimed the Mother; "a whole keg of Nails, at your age! Why,
you will kill yourself that way. Go quickly, my child, and swallow a
claw-hammer."
A Weary Echo
A Convention of female writers, which for two days had been stuffing
Woman's couch with goose-quills and hailing the down of a new era,
adjourned with unabated enthusiasm, shouting, "Place aux dames!" And
Echo wearily replied, "Oh, damn."
The Ingenious Blackmailer
An Inventor went to a King and was granted an audience, when the
following conversation ensued:
_Inventor_.--"May it please your Majesty, I have invented a rifle that
discharges lightning."
_King_.--"Ah, you wish to sell me the secret."
_Inventor_.--"Yes; it will enable your army to overrun any nation that is
accessible."
_King_.--"In order to get any good of my outlay for your invention, I
must make a war, and do so as soon as I can arm my troops--before your
secret is discovered by foreign nations. How much do you want?"
_Inventor_.--"One million dollars."
_King_.--"And how much will it cost to make the change of arms?"
_Inventor_.--"Fifty millions."
_King_.--"And the war will Cost--?"
_Inventor_.--"But consider the glory and the spoils!"
_King_.--"Exactly. But if I am not seeking these advantages? What if I
decline to purchase?"
_Inventor_.--"There is no economy in that. Though a patriot, I am poor;
if my own country will not patronise me, I must seek a market elsewhere."
_King_ (to Prime Minister).--"Take this blackmailer and cut off his
head."
A Talisman
Having been summoned to serve as a juror, a Prominent Citizen sent a
physician's certificate stating that he was afflicted with softening of
the brain.
"The gentleman is excused," said the Judge, handing back the certificate
to the person who had brought it, "he has a brain."
The Ancient Order
Hardly had that ancient order, the Sultans of Exceeding Splendour, been
completely founded by the Grand Flashing Inaccessible, when a question
arose as to what should be the title of address among the members. Some
wanted it to be simply "my Lord," others held out for "your Dukeness,"
and still others preferred "my Sovereign Liege." Finally the gorgeous
jewel of the order, gleaming upon the breast of every member, suggested
"your Badgesty," which was adopted, and the order became popularly known
as the Kings of Catarrh.
A Fatal Disorder
A Dying Man who had been shot was requested by officers of the law to
make a statement, and be quick about it.
"You were assaulted without provocation, of course," said the District
Attorney, preparing to set down the answer.
"No," replied the Dying Man, "I was the aggressor."
"Yes, I understand," said the District Attorney; "you committed the
aggression--you were compelled to, as it were. You did it in
self-defence."
"I don't think he would have hurt me if I had let him alone," said the
other. "No, I fancy he was a man of peace, and would not have hurt a
fly. I brought such a pressure to bear on him that he naturally had to
yield--he couldn't hold out. If he had refused to shoot me I don't see
how I could decently have continued his acquaintance."
"Good Heavens!" exclaimed the District Attorney, throwing down his note-
book and pencil; "this is all quite irregular. I can't make use of such
an ante-mortem statement as that."
"I never before knew a man to tell the truth," said the Chief of Police,
"when dying of violence."
"Violence nothing!" the Police Surgeon said, pulling out and inspecting
the man's tongue--"it is the truth that is killing him."
The Massacre
Some Holy Missionaries in China having been deprived of life by the
Bigoted Heathens, the Christian Press made a note of it, and was greatly
pained to point out the contrast between the Bigoted Heathens and the law-
abiding countrymen of the Holy Missionaries who had wickedly been sent to
eternal bliss.
"Yes," assented a Miserable Sinner, as he finished reading the articles,
"the Heathens of Ying Shing are deceitful above all things and
desperately wicked. By the way," he added, turning over the paper to
read the entertaining and instructive Fables, "I know the Heathenese
lingo. Ying Shing means Rock Creek; it is in the Province of Wyo Ming."
A Ship and a Man
Seeing a ship sailing by upon the sea of politics, an Ambitious Person
started in hot pursuit along the strand; but the people's eyes being
fixed upon the Presidency no one observed the pursuer. This greatly
annoyed him, and recollecting that he was not aquatic, he stopped and
shouted across the waves' tumultous roar:
"Take my name off the passenger list."
Back to him over the waters, hollow and heartless, like laughter in a
tomb, rang the voice of the Skipper:
"'T ain't on!"
And there, in the focus of a million pairs of convergent eyes, the
Ambitious Person sat him down between the sun and moon and murmured sadly
to his own soul:
"Marooned, by thunder!"
Congress and the People
Successive Congresses having greatly impoverished the People, they were
discouraged and wept copiously.
"Why do you weep?" inquired an Angel who had perched upon a fence near
by.
"They have taken all we have," replied the People--"excepting," they
added, noting the suggestive visitant--"excepting our hope in heaven.
Thank God, they cannot deprive us of that!"
But at last came the Congress of 1889.
The Justice and His Accuser
An eminent Justice of the Supreme Court of Patagascar was accused of
having obtained his appointment by fraud.
"You wander," he said to the Accuser; "it is of little importance how I
obtained my power; it is only important how I have used it."
"I confess," said the Accuser, "that in comparison with the rascally way
in which you have conducted yourself on the Bench, the rascally way in
which you got there does seem rather a trifle."
The Highwayman and the Traveller
A Highwayman confronted a Traveller, and covering him with a firearm,
shouted: "Your money or your life!"
"My good friend," said the Traveller, "according to the terms of your
demand my money will save my life, my life my money; you imply you will
take one or the other, but not both. If that is what you mean, please be
good enough to take my life."
"That is not what I mean," said the Highwayman; "you cannot save your
money by giving up your life."
"Then take it, anyhow," the Traveller said. "If it will not save my
money, it is good for nothing."
The Highwayman was so pleased with the Traveller's philosophy and wit
that he took him into partnership, and this splendid combination of
talent started a newspaper.
The Policeman and the Citizen
A Policeman, finding a man that had fallen in a fit, said, "This man is
drunk," and began beating him on the head with his club. A passing
Citizen said:
"Why do you murder a man that is already harmless?"
Thereupon the Policeman left the man in a fit and attacked the Citizen,
who, after receiving several severe contusions, ran away.
"Alas," said the Policeman, "why did I not attack the sober one before
exhausting myself upon the other?"
Thenceforward he pursued that plan, and by zeal and diligence rose to be
Chief, and sobriety is unknown in the region subject to his sway.
The Writer and the Tramps
An Ambitious Writer, distinguished for the condition of his linen, was
travelling the high road to fame, when he met a Tramp.
"What is the matter with your shirt?" inquired the Tramp.
"It bears the marks of that superb unconcern which is the characteristic
of genius," replied the Ambitious Writer, contemptuously passing him by.
Resting by the wayside a little later, the Tramp carved upon the smooth
bark of a birch-tree the words, "John Gump, Champion Genius."
Two Politicians
Two Politicians were exchanging ideas regarding the rewards for public
service.
"The reward which I most desire," said the First Politician, "is the
gratitude of my fellow-citizens."
"That would be very gratifying, no doubt," said the Second Politician,
"but, alas! in order to obtain it one has to retire from politics."
For an instant they gazed upon each other with inexpressible tenderness;
then the First Politician murmured, "God's will be done! Since we cannot
hope for reward, let us be content with what we have."
And lifting their right hands from the public treasury they swore to be
content.
The Fugitive Office
A Traveller arriving at the capitol of the nation saw a vast plain
outside the wall, filled with struggling and shouting men. While he
looked upon the alarming spectacle an Office broke away from the Throng
and took shelter in a tomb close to where he stood, the crowd being too
intent upon hammering one another to observe that the cause of their
contention had departed.
"Poor bruised and bleeding creature," said the compassionate Traveller,
"what misfortune caused you to be so far away from the source of power?"
"I 'sought the man,'" said the Office.
The Tyrant Frog
A Snake swallowing a frog head-first was approached by a Naturalist with
a stick.
"Ah, my deliverer," said the Snake as well as he could, "you have arrived
just in time; this reptile, you see, is pitching into me without
provocation."
"Sir," replied the Naturalist, "I need a snakeskin for my collection, but
if you had not explained I should not have interrupted you, for I thought
you were at dinner."
The Eligible Son-in-Law
A Truly Pious Person who conducted a savings bank and lent money to his
sisters and his cousins and his aunts of both sexes, was approached by a
Tatterdemalion, who applied for a loan of one hundred thousand dollars.
"What security have you to offer?" asked the Truly Pious Person.
"The best in the world," the applicant replied, confidentially; "I am
about to become your son-in-law."
"That would indeed be gilt-edged," said the banker, gravely; "but what
claim have you to the hand of my daughter?"
"One that cannot be lightly denied," said the Tatterdemalion. "I am
about to become worth one hundred thousand dollars."
Unable to detect a weak point in this scheme of mutual advantage, the
financier gave the promoter in disguise an order for the money, and wrote
a note to his wife directing her to count out the girl.
The Statesman and the Horse
A Statesman who had saved his country was returning from Washington on
foot, when he met a Race Horse going at full speed, and stopped it.