in wrath. "How dare you mention the loss of my temper in connection with
this case?"
After a moment's silence the Attorney said, meekly:
"I thought my client might perhaps have found it."
The Seeker and the Sought
A Politician seeing a fat Turkey which he wanted for dinner, baited a
hook with a grain of corn and dragged it before the fowl at the end of a
long and almost invisible line. When the Turkey had swallowed the hook,
the Politician ran, drawing the creature after him.
"Fellow-citizens," he cried, addressing some turkey-breeders whom he met,
"you observe that the man does not seek the bird, but the bird seeks the
man. For this unsolicited and unexpected dinner I thank you with all my
heart."
His Fly-Speck Majesty
A Distinguished Advocate of Republican Institutions was seen pickling his
shins in the ocean.
"Why don't you come out on dry land?" said the Spectator. "What are you
in there for?"
"Sir," replied the Distinguished Advocate of Republican Institutions, "a
ship is expected, bearing His Majesty the King of the Fly-Speck Islands,
and I wish to be the first to grasp the crowned hand."
"But," said the Spectator, "you said in your famous speech before the
Society for the Prevention of the Protrusion of Nail Heads from Plank
Sidewalks that Kings were blood-smeared oppressors and hell-bound
loafers."
"My dear sir," said the Distinguished Advocate of Republican
Institutions, without removing his eyes from the horizon, "you wander
away into the strangest irrelevancies! I spoke of Kings in the
abstract."
The Pugilist's Diet
The Trainer of a Pugilist consulted a Physician regarding the champion's
diet.
"Beef-steaks are too tender," said the Physician; "have his meat cut from
the neck of a bull."
"I thought the steaks more digestible," the Trainer explained.
"That is very true," said the Physician; "but they do not sufficiently
exercise the chin."
The Old Man and the Pupil
A Beautiful Old Man, meeting a Sunday-school Pupil, laid his hand
tenderly upon the lad's head, saying: "Listen, my son, to the words of
the wise and heed the advice of the righteous."
"All right," said the Sunday-school Pupil; "go ahead."
"Oh, I haven't anything to do with it myself," said the Beautiful Old
Man. "I am only observing one of the customs of the age. I am a
pirate."
And when he had taken his hand from the lad's head, the latter observed
that his hair was full of clotted blood. Then the Beautiful Old Man went
his way, instructing other youth.
The Deceased and his Heirs
A Man died leaving a large estate and many sorrowful relations who
claimed it. After some years, when all but one had had judgment given
against them, that one was awarded the estate, which he asked his
Attorney to have appraised.
"There is nothing to appraise," said the Attorney, pocketing his last
fee.
"Then," said the Successful Claimant, "what good has all this litigation
done me?"
"You have been a good client to me," the Attorney replied, gathering up
his books and papers, "but I must say you betray a surprising ignorance
of the purpose of litigation."
The Politicians and the Plunder
Several Political Entities were dividing the spoils.
"I will take the management of the prisons," said a Decent Respect for
Public Opinion, "and make a radical change."
"And I," said the Blotted Escutcheon, "will retain my present general
connection with affairs, while my friend here, the Soiled Ermine, will
remain in the Judiciary."
The Political Pot said it would not boil any more unless replenished from
the Filthy Pool.
The Cohesive Power of Public Plunder quietly remarked that the two bosses
would, he supposed, naturally be his share.
"No," said the Depth of Degradation, "they have already fallen to me."
The Man and the Wart
A Person with a Wart on His Nose met a Person Similarly Afflicted, and
said:
"Let me propose your name for membership in the Imperial Order of
Abnormal Proboscidians, of which I am the High Noble Toby and
Surreptitious Treasurer. Two months ago I was the only member. One
month ago there were two. To-day we number four Emperors of the Abnormal
Proboscis in good standing--doubles every four weeks, see? That's
geometrical progression--you know how that piles up. In a year and a
half every man in California will have a wart on his Nose. Powerful
Order! Initiation, five dollars."
"My friend," said the Person Similarly Afflicted, "here are five dollars.
Keep my name off your books."
"Thank you kindly," the Man with a Wart on His Nose replied, pocketing
the money; "it is just the same to us as if you joined. Good-by."
He went away, but in a little while he was back.
"I quite forgot to mention the monthly dues," he said.
The Divided Delegation
A Delegation at Washington went to a New President, and said:
"Your Excellency, we are unable to agree upon a Favourite Son to
represent us in your Cabinet."
"Then," said the New President, "I shall have to lock you up until you do
agree."
So the Delegation was cast into the deepest dungeon beneath the moat,
where it maintained a divided mind for many weeks, but finally reconciled
its differences and asked to be taken before the New President.
"My child," said he, "nothing is so beautiful as harmony. My Cabinet
Selections were all made before our former interview, but you have
supplied a noble instance of patriotism in subordinating your personal
preferences to the general good. Go now to your beautiful homes and be
happy."
It is not recorded that the Delegation was happy.
A Forfeited Right
The Chief of the Weather Bureau having predicted a fine day, a Thrifty
Person hastened to lay in a large stock of umbrellas, which he exposed
for sale on the sidewalk; but the weather remained clear, and nobody
would buy. Thereupon the Thrifty Person brought an action against the
Chief of the Weather Bureau for the cost of the umbrellas.
"Your Honour," said the defendant's attorney, when the case was called,
"I move that this astonishing action be dismissed. Not only is my client
in no way responsible for the loss, but he distinctly foreshadowed the
very thing that caused it."
"That is just it, your Honour," replied the counsel for the plaintiff;
"the defendant by making a correct forecast fooled my client in the only
way that he could do so. He has lied so much and so notoriously that he
has neither the legal nor moral right to tell the truth."
Judgment for the plaintiff.
Revenge
An Insurance Agent was trying to induce a Hard Man to Deal With to take
out a policy on his house. After listening to him for an hour, while he
painted in vivid colours the extreme danger of fire consuming the house,
the Hard Man to Deal With said:
"Do you really think it likely that my house will burn down inside the
time that policy will run?"
"Certainly," replied the Insurance Agent; "have I not been trying all
this time to convince you that I do?"
"Then," said the Hard Man to Deal With, "why are you so anxious to have
your Company bet me money that it will not?"
The Agent was silent and thoughtful for a moment; then he drew the other
apart into an unfrequented place and whispered in his ear:
"My friend, I will impart to you a dark secret. Years ago the Company
betrayed my sweetheart by promise of marriage. Under an assumed name I
have wormed myself into its service for revenge; and as there is a heaven
above us, I will have its heart's blood!"
An Optimist
Two Frogs in the belly of a snake were considering their altered
circumstances.
"This is pretty hard luck," said one.
"Don't jump to conclusions," the other said; "we are out of the wet and
provided with board and lodging."
"With lodging, certainly," said the First Frog; "but I don't see the
board."
"You are a croaker," the other explained. "We are ourselves the board."
A Valuable Suggestion
A Big Nation having a quarrel with a Little Nation, resolved to terrify
its antagonist by a grand naval demonstration in the latter's principal
port. So the Big Nation assembled all its ships of war from all over the
world, and was about to send them three hundred and fifty thousand miles
to the place of rendezvous, when the President of the Big Nation received
the following note from the President of the Little Nation:
"My great and good friend, I hear that you are going to show us your
navy, in order to impress us with a sense of your power. How needless
the expense! To prove to you that we already know all about it, I
inclose herewith a list and description of all the ships you have."
The great and good friend was so struck by the hard sense of the letter
that he kept his navy at home, and saved one thousand million dollars.
This economy enabled him to buy a satisfactory decision when the cause of
the quarrel was submitted to arbitration.
Two Footpads
Two Footpads sat at their grog in a roadside resort, comparing the
evening's adventures.
"I stood up the Chief of Police," said the First Footpad, "and I got away
with what he had."
"And I," said the Second Footpad, "stood up the United States District
Attorney, and got away with--"
"Good Lord!" interrupted the other in astonishment and admiration--"you
got away with what that fellow had?"
"No," the unfortunate narrator explained--"with a small part of what _I_
had."
Equipped for Service
During the Civil War a Patriot was passing through the State of Maryland
with a pass from the President to join Grant's army and see the fighting.
Stopping a day at Annapolis, he visited the shop of a well-known optician
and ordered seven powerful telescopes, one for every day in the week. In
recognition of this munificent patronage of the State's languishing
industries, the Governor commissioned him a colonel.
The Basking Cyclone
A Negro in a boat, gathering driftwood, saw a sleeping Alligator, and,
thinking it was a log, fell to estimating the number of shingles it would
make for his new cabin. Having satisfied his mind on that point, he
stuck his boat-hook into the beast's back to harvest his good fortune.
Thereupon the saurian emerged from his dream and took to the water,
greatly to the surprise of the man-and-brother.
"I never befo' seen such a cyclone as dat," he exclaimed as soon as he
had recovered his breath. "It done carry away de ruf of my house!"
At the Pole
After a great expenditure of life and treasure a Daring Explorer had
succeeded in reaching the North Pole, when he was approached by a Native
Galeut who lived there.
"Good morning," said the Native Galeut. "I'm very glad to see you, but
why did you come here?"
"Glory," said the Daring Explorer, curtly.
"Yes, yes, I know," the other persisted; "but of what benefit to man is
your discovery? To what truths does it give access which were
inaccessible before?--facts, I mean, having a scientific value?"
"I'll be Tom scatted if I know," the great man replied, frankly; "you
will have to ask the Scientist of the Expedition."
But the Scientist of the Expedition explained that he had been so
engrossed with the care of his instruments and the study of his tables
that he had found no time to think of it.
The Optimist and the Cynic
A Man who had experienced the favours of fortune and was an Optimist, met
a man who had experienced an optimist and was a Cynic. So the Cynic
turned out of the road to let the Optimist roll by in his gold carriage.
"My son," said the Optimist, stopping the gold carriage, "you look as if
you had not a friend in the world."
"I don't know if I have or not," replied the Cynic, "for you have the
world."
The Poet and the Editor
"My dear sir," said the editor to the man, who had called to see about
his poem, "I regret to say that owing to an unfortunate altercation in
this office the greater part of your manuscript is illegible; a bottle of
ink was upset upon it, blotting out all but the first line--that is to
say--"
"'The autumn leaves were falling, falling.'
"Unluckily, not having read the poem, I was unable to supply the
incidents that followed; otherwise we could have given them in our own
words. If the news is not stale, and has not already appeared in the
other papers, perhaps you will kindly relate what occurred, while I make
notes of it.
"'The autumn leaves were falling, falling,'
"Go on."
"What!" said the poet, "do you expect me to reproduce the entire poem
from memory?"
"Only the substance of it--just the leading facts. We will add whatever
is necessary in the way of amplification and embellishment. It will
detain you but a moment.
"'The autumn leaves were falling, falling--'
"Now, then."
There was a sound of a slow getting up and going away. The chronicler of
passing events sat through it, motionless, with suspended pen; and when
the movement was complete Poesy was represented in that place by nothing
but a warm spot on the wooden chair.
The Taken Hand
A Successful Man of Business, having occasion to write to a Thief,
expressed a wish to see him and shake hands.
"No," replied the Thief, "there are some things which I will not
take--among them your hand."
"You must use a little strategy," said a Philosopher to whom the
Successful Man of Business had reported the Thief's haughty reply. "Leave
your hand out some night, and he will take it."
So one night the Successful Man of Business left his hand out of his
neighbour's pocket, and the Thief took it with avidity.
An Unspeakable Imbecile
A Judge said to a Convicted Assassin:
"Prisoner at the bar, have you anything to say why the death-sentence
should not be passed upon you?"
"Will what I say make any difference?" asked the Convicted Assassin.
"I do not see how it can," the Judge answered, reflectively. "No, it
will not."
"Then," said the doomed one, "I should just like to remark that you are
the most unspeakable old imbecile in seven States and the District of
Columbia."
A Needful War
The people of Madagonia had an antipathy to the people of Novakatka and
set upon some sailors of a Novakatkan vessel, killing two and wounding
twelve. The King of Madagonia having refused either to apologise or pay,
the King of Novakatka made war upon him, saying that it was necessary to
show that Novakatkans must not be slaughtered. In the battles which
ensued the people of Madagonia slaughtered two thousand Novakatkans and
wounded twelve thousand. But the Madagonians were unsuccessful, which so
chagrined them that never thereafter in all their land was a Novakatkan
secure in property or life.
The Mine Owner and the Jackass
While the Owner of a Silver Mine was on his way to attend a convention of
his species he was accosted by a Jackass, who said:
"By an unjust discrimination against quadrupeds I am made ineligible to a
seat in your convention; so I am compelled to seek representation through
you."
"It will give me great pleasure, sir," said the Owner of a Silver Mine,
"to serve one so closely allied to me in--in--well, you know," he added,
with a significant gesture of his two hands upward from the sides of his
head. "What do you want?"
"Oh, nothing--nothing at all for myself individually," replied the
Donkey; "but his country's welfare should be a patriot's supreme care. If
Americans are to retain the sacred liberties for which their fathers
strove, Congress must declare our independence of European dictation by
maintaining the price of mules."
The Dog and the Physician
A Dog that had seen a Physician attending the burial of a wealthy
patient, said: "When do you expect to dig it up?"
"Why should I dig it up?" the Physician asked.
"When I bury a bone," said the Dog, "it is with an intention to uncover
it later and pick it."
"The bones that I bury," said the Physician, "are those that I can no
longer pick."
The Party Manager and the Gentleman
A Party Manager said to a Gentleman whom he saw minding his own business:
"How much will you pay for a nomination to office?"
"Nothing," the Gentleman replied.
"But you will contribute something to the campaign fund to assist in your
election, will you not?" asked the Party Manager, winking.
"Oh, no," said the Gentleman, gravely. "If the people wish me to work
for them, they must hire me without solicitation. I am very comfortable
without office."
"But," urged the Party Manager, "an election is a thing to be desired. It
is a high honour to be a servant of the people."
"If servitude is a high honour," the Gentleman said, "it would be
indecent for me to seek it; and if obtained by my own exertion it would
be no honour."
"Well," persisted the Party Manager, "you will at least, I hope, indorse
the party platform."
The Gentleman replied: "It is improbable that its authors have accurately
expressed my views without consulting me; and if I indorsed their work
without approving it I should be a liar."
"You are a detestable hypocrite and an idiot!" shouted the Party Manager.
"Even your good opinion of my fitness," replied the Gentleman, "shall not
persuade me."
The Legislator and the Citizen
An ex-Legislator asked a Most Respectable Citizen for a letter to the
Governor recommending him for appointment as Commissioner of Shrimps and
Crabs.
"Sir," said the Most Respectable Citizen, austerely, "were you not once
in the State Senate?"
"Not so bad as that, sir, I assure you," was the reply. "I was a member
of the Slower House. I was expelled for selling my influence for money."
"And you dare to ask for mine!" shouted the Most Respectable Citizen.
"You have the impudence? A man who will accept bribes will probably
offer them. Do you mean to--"
"I should not think of making a corrupt proposal to you, sir; but if I
were Commissioner of Shrimps and Crabs, I might have some influence with
the water-front population, and be able to help you make your fight for
Coroner."
"In that case I do not feel justified in denying you the letter."
So he took his pen, and, some demon guiding his hand, he wrote, greatly
to his astonishment:
"Who sells his influence should stop it,
An honest man will only swap it."
The Rainmaker
An Officer of the Government, with a great outfit of mule-waggons loaded
with balloons, kites, dynamite bombs, and electrical apparatus, halted in
the midst of a desert, where there had been no rain for ten years, and
set up a camp. After several months of preparation and an expenditure of
a million dollars all was in readiness, and a series of tremendous
explosions occurred on the earth and in the sky. This was followed by a
great down-pour of rain, which washed the unfortunate Officer of the
Government and the outfit off the face of creation and affected the
agricultural heart with joy too deep for utterance. A Newspaper Reporter
who had just arrived escaped by climbing a hill near by, and there he
found the Sole Survivor of the expedition--a mule-driver--down on his
knees behind a mesquite bush, praying with extreme fervour.
"Oh, you can't stop it that way," said the Reporter.
"My fellow-traveller to the bar of God," replied the Sole Survivor,
looking up over his shoulder, "your understanding is in darkness. I am
not stopping this great blessing; under Providence, I am bringing it."
"That is a pretty good joke," said the Reporter, laughing as well as he
could in the strangling rain--"a mule driver's prayer answered!"
"Child of levity and scoffing," replied the other; "you err again, misled
by these humble habiliments. I am the Rev. Ezekiel Thrifft, a minister
of the gospel, now in the service of the great manufacturing firm of
Skinn & Sheer. They make balloons, kites, dynamite bombs, and electrical
apparatus."
The Citizen and the Snakes
A Public-Spirited Citizen who had failed miserably in trying to secure a
National political convention for his city suffered acutely from
dejection. While in that frame of mind he leaned thoughtlessly against a
druggist's show-window, wherein were one hundred and fifty kinds of
assorted snakes. The glass breaking, the reptiles all escaped into the
street.
"When you can't do what you wish," said the Public-spirited Citizen, "it
is worth while to do what you can."
Fortune and the Fabulist
A Writer of Fables was passing through a lonely forest when he met a
Fortune. Greatly alarmed, he tried to climb a tree, but the Fortune
pulled him down and bestowed itself upon him with cruel persistence.
"Why did you try to run away?" said the Fortune, when his struggles had
ceased and his screams were stilled. "Why do you glare at me so
inhospitably?"
"I don't know what you are," replied the Writer of Fables, deeply
disturbed.
"I am wealth; I am respectability," the Fortune explained; "I am elegant
houses, a yacht, and a clean shirt every day. I am leisure, I am travel,
wine, a shiny hat, and an unshiny coat. I am enough to eat."
"All right," said the Writer of Fables, in a whisper; "but for goodness'
sake speak lower."
"Why so?" the Fortune asked, in surprise.
"So as not to wake me," replied the Writer of Fables, a holy calm
brooding upon his beautiful face.
A Smiling Idol
An Idol said to a Missionary, "My friend, why do you seek to bring me
into contempt? If it had not been for me, what would you have been?
Remember thy creator that thy days be long in the land."
"I confess," replied the Missionary, fingering a number of ten-cent
pieces which a Sunday-school in his own country had forwarded to him,
"that I am a product of you, but I protest that you cannot quote
Scripture with accuracy and point. Therefore will I continue to go up
against you with the Sword of the Spirit."
Shortly afterwards the Idol's worshippers held a great religious ceremony
at the base of his pedestal, and as a part of the rites the Missionary
was roasted whole. As the tongue was removed for the high priest's
table, "Ah," said the Idol to himself, "that is the Sword of the
Spirit--the only Sword that is less dangerous when unsheathed."
And he smiled so pleasantly at his own wit that the provinces of
Ghargaroo, M'gwana, and Scowow were affected with a blight.
Philosophers Three
A Bear, a Fox, and an Opossum were attacked by an inundation.
"Death loves a coward," said the Bear, and went forward to fight the
flood.
"What a fool!" said the Fox. "I know a trick worth two of that." And he
slipped into a hollow stump.
"There are malevolent forces," said the Opossum, "which the wise will
neither confront nor avoid. The thing is to know the nature of your
antagonist."
So saying the Opossum lay down and pretended to be dead.
The Boneless King
Some Apes who had deposed their king fell at once into dissension and
anarchy. In this strait they sent a Deputation to a neighbouring tribe
to consult the Oldest and Wisest Ape in All the World.
"My children," said the Oldest and Wisest Ape in All the World, when he
had heard the Deputation, "you did right in ridding yourselves of
tyranny, but your tribe is not sufficiently advanced to dispense with the
forms of monarchy. Entice the tyrant back with fair promises, kill him
and enthrone. The skeleton of even the most lawless despot makes a good
constitutional sovereign."
At this the Deputation was greatly abashed. "It is impossible," they
said, moving away; "our king has no skeleton; he was stuffed."
Uncalculating Zeal
A Man-Eating tiger was ravaging the Kingdom of Damnasia, and the King,
greatly concerned for the lives and limbs of his Royal subjects, promised
his daughter Zodroulra to any man who would kill the animal. After some
days Camaraladdin appeared before the King and claimed the reward.
"But where is the tiger?" the King asked.
"May jackasses sing above my uncle's grave," replied Camaraladdin, "if I
dared go within a league of him!"
"Wretch!" cried the King, unsheathing his consoler-under-disappointment;
"how dare you claim my daughter when you have done nothing to earn her?"
"Thou art wiser, O King, than Solyman the Great, and thy servant is as
dust in the tomb of thy dog, yet thou errest. I did not, it is true,
kill the tiger, but behold! I have brought thee the scalp of the man who
had accumulated five million pieces of gold and was after more."
The King drew his consoler-under-disappointment, and, flicking off
Camaraladdin's head, said:
"Learn, caitiff, the expediency of uncalculating zeal. If the
millionaire had been let alone he would have devoured the tiger."
A Transposition
Travelling through the sage-brush country a Jackass met a rabbit, who
exclaimed in great astonishment:
"Good heavens! how did you grow so big? You are doubtless the largest
rabbit living."
"No," said the Jackass, "you are the smallest donkey."