of degradation? Liquor, I suppose."
"I am temperate to the verge of absurdity," replied the Tramp. "My
foible was patriotism; I was ruined by the baneful habit of trying to
serve my country. What ruined you?"
"Indolence."
The Witch's Steed
A Broomstick which had long served a witch as a steed complained of the
nature of its employment, which it thought degrading.
"Very well," said the Witch, "I will give you work in which you will be
associated with intellect--you will come in contact with brains. I shall
present you to a housewife."
"What!" said the Broomstick, "do you consider the hands of a housewife
intellectual?"
"I referred," said the Witch, "to the head of her good man."
The All Dog
A Lion seeing a Poodle fell into laughter at the ridiculous spectacle.
"Who ever saw so small a beast?" he said.
"It is very true," said the Poodle, with austere dignity, "that I am
small; but, sir, I beg to observe that I am all dog."
The Farmer's Friend
A Great Philanthropist who had thought of himself in connection with the
Presidency and had introduced a bill into Congress requiring the
Government to loan every voter all the money that he needed, on his
personal security, was explaining to a Sunday-school at a railway station
how much he had done for the country, when an angel looked down from
Heaven and wept.
"For example," said the Great Philanthropist, watching the teardrops
pattering in the dust, "these early rains are of incalculable advantage
to the farmer."
Physicians Two
A Wicked Old Man finding himself ill sent for a Physician, who prescribed
for him and went away. Then the Wicked Old Man sent for another
Physician, saying nothing of the first, and an entirely different
treatment was ordered. This continued for some weeks, the physicians
visiting him on alternate days and treating him for two different
disorders, with constantly enlarging doses of medicine and more and more
rigorous nursing. But one day they accidently met at his bedside while
he slept, and the truth coming out a violent quarrel ensued.
"My good friends," said the patient, awakened by the noise of the
dispute, and apprehending the cause of it, "pray be more reasonable. If
I could for weeks endure you both, can you not for a little while endure
each other? I have been well for ten days, but have remained in bed in
the hope of gaining by repose the strength that would justify me in
taking your medicines. So far I have touched none of it."
The Overlooked Factor
A Man that owned a fine Dog, and by a careful selection of its mate had
bred a number of animals but a little lower than the angels, fell in love
with his washerwoman, married her, and reared a family of dolts.
"Alas!" he exclaimed, contemplating the melancholy result, "had I but
chosen a mate for myself with half the care that I did for my Dog I
should now be a proud and happy father."
"I'm not so sure of that," said the Dog, overhearing the lament. "There's
a difference, certainly, between your whelps and mine, but I venture to
flatter myself that it is not due altogether to the mothers. You and I
are not entirely alike ourselves."
A Racial Parallel
Some White Christians engaged in driving Chinese Heathens out of an
American town found a newspaper published in Peking in the Chinese
tongue, and compelled one of their victims to translate an editorial. It
turned out to be an appeal to the people of the Province of Pang Ki to
drive the foreign devils out of the country and burn their dwellings and
churches. At this evidence of Mongolian barbarity the White Christians
were so greatly incensed that they carried out their original design.
The Honest Cadi
A Robber who had plundered a Merchant of one thousand pieces of gold was
taken before the Cadi, who asked him if he had anything to say why he
should not be decapitated.
"Your Honour," said the Robber, "I could do no otherwise than take the
money, for Allah made me that way."
"Your defence is ingenious and sound," said the Cadi, "and I must acquit
you of criminality. Unfortunately, Allah has made me so that I must also
take off your head--unless," he added, thoughtfully, "you offer me half
of the gold; for He made me weak under temptation."
Thereupon the Robber put five hundred pieces of gold into the Cadi's
hand.
"Good," said the Cadi. "I shall now remove but one half your head. To
show my trust in your discretion I shall leave intact the half you talk
with."
The Kangaroo and the Zebra
A Kangaroo hopping awkwardly along with some bulky object concealed in
her pouch met a Zebra, and desirous of keeping his attention upon
himself, said:
"Your costume looks as if you might have come out of the penitentiary."
"Appearances are deceitful," replied the Zebra, smiling in the
consciousness of a more insupportable wit, "or I should have to think
that you had come out of the Legislature."
A Matter of Method
A Philosopher seeing a Fool beating his Donkey, said:
"Abstain, my son, abstain, I implore. Those who resort to violence shall
suffer from violence."
"That," said the Fool, diligently belabouring the animal, "is what I'm
trying to teach this beast--which has kicked me."
"Doubtless," said the Philosopher to himself, as he walked away, "the
wisdom of fools is no deeper nor truer than ours, but they really do seem
to have a more impressive way of imparting it."
The Man of Principle
During a shower of rain the Keeper of a Zoological garden observed a Man
of Principle crouching beneath the belly of the ostrich, which had drawn
itself up to its full height to sleep.
"Why, my dear sir," said the Keeper, "if you fear to get wet, you'd
better creep into the pouch of yonder female kangaroo--the _Saltarix
mackintosha_--for if that ostrich wakes he will kick you to death in a
minute."
"I can't help that," the Man of Principle replied, with that lofty scorn
of practical considerations distinguishing his species. "He may kick me
to death if he wish, but until he does he shall give me shelter from the
storm. He has swallowed my umbrella."
The Returned Californian
A Man was hanged by the neck until he was dead.
"Whence do you come?" Saint Peter asked when the Man presented himself at
the gate of Heaven.
"From California," replied the applicant.
"Enter, my son, enter; you bring joyous tidings."
When the Man had vanished inside, Saint Peter took his memorandum-tablet
and made the following entry:
"February 16, 1893. California occupied by the Christians."
The Compassionate Physician
A Kind-Hearted Physician sitting at the bedside of a patient afflicted
with an incurable and painful disease, heard a noise behind him, and
turning saw a cat laughing at the feeble efforts of a wounded mouse to
drag itself out of the room.
"You cruel beast!" cried he. "Why don't you kill it at once, like a
lady?"
Rising, he kicked the cat out of the door, and picking up the mouse
compassionately put it out of its misery by pulling off its head.
Recalled to the bedside by the moans of his patient, the Kind-hearted
Physician administered a stimulant, a tonic, and a nutrient, and went
away.
Two of the Damned
Two Blighted Beings, haggard, lachrymose, and detested, met on a blasted
heath in the light of a struggling moon.
"I wish you a merry Christmas," said the First Blighted Being, in a voice
like that of a singing tomb.
"And I you a happy New Year," responded the Second Blighted Being, with
the accent of a penitent accordeon.
They then fell upon each other's neck and wept scalding rills down each
other's spine in token of their banishment to the Realm of Ineffable
Bosh. For one of these accursed creatures was the First of January, and
the other the Twenty-fifth of December.
The Austere Governor
A Governor visiting a State prison was implored by a Convict to pardon
him.
"What are you in for?" asked the Governor.
"I held a high office," the Convict humbly replied, "and sold subordinate
appointments."
"Then I decline to interfere," said the Governor, with asperity; "a man
who abuses his office by making it serve a private end and purvey a
personal advantage is unfit to be free. By the way, Mr. Warden," he
added to that official, as the Convict slunk away, "in appointing you to
this position, I was given to understand that your friends could make the
Shikane county delegation to the next State convention solid for--for the
present Administration. Was I rightly informed?"
"You were, sir."
"Very well, then, I will bid you good-day. Please be so good as to
appoint my nephew Night Chaplain and Reminder of Mothers and Sisters."
Religions of Error
Hearing a sound of strife, a Christian in the Orient asked his Dragoman
the cause of it.
"The Buddhists are cutting Mohammedan throats," the Dragoman replied,
with oriental composure.
"I did not know," remarked the Christian, with scientific interest, "that
that would make so much noise."
"The Mohammedans are cutting Buddhist throats, too," added the Dragoman.
"It is astonishing," mused the Christian, "how violent and how general
are religious animosities. Everywhere in the world the devotees of each
local faith abhor the devotees of every other, and abstain from murder
only so long as they dare not commit it. And the strangest thing about
it is that all religions are erroneous and mischievous excepting mine.
Mine, thank God, is true and benign."
So saying he visibly smugged and went off to telegraph for a brigade of
cutthroats to protect Christian interests.
The Penitent Elector
A Person belonging to the Society for Passing Resolutions of Respect for
the Memory of Deceased Members having died received the customary
attention.
"Good Heavens!" exclaimed a Sovereign Elector, on hearing the resolutions
read, "what a loss to the nation! And to think that I once voted against
that angel for Inspector of Gate-latches in Public Squares!"
In remorse the Sovereign Elector deprived himself of political influence
by learning to read.
The Tail of the Sphinx
A Dog of a taciturn disposition said to his Tail:
"Whenever I am angry, you rise and bristle; when I am pleased, you wag;
when I am alarmed, you tuck yourself in out of danger. You are too
mercurial--you disclose all my emotions. My notion is that tails are
given to conceal thought. It is my dearest ambition to be as impassive
as the Sphinx."
"My friend, you must recognise the laws and limitations of your being,"
replied the Tail, with flexions appropriate to the sentiments uttered,
"and try to be great some other way. The Sphinx has one hundred and
fifty qualifications for impassiveness which you lack."
"What are they?" the Dog asked.
"One hundred and forty-nine tons of sand on her tail."
"And--?"
"A stone tail."
A Prophet of Evil
An Undertaker Who Was a Member of a Trust saw a Man Leaning on a Spade,
and asked him why he was not at work.
"Because," said the Man Leaning on a Spade, "I belong to the
Gravediggers' National Extortion Society, and we have decided to limit
the production of graves and get more money for the reduced output. We
have a corner in graves and propose to work it to the best advantage."
"My friend," said the Undertaker Who Was a Member of a Trust, "this is a
most hateful and injurious scheme. If people cannot be assured of
graves, I fear they will no longer die, and the best interests of
civilisation will wither like a frosted leaf."
And blowing his eyes upon his handkerchief, he walked away lamenting.
The Crew of the Life-boat
The Gallant Crew at a life-saving station were about to launch their life-
boat for a spin along the coast when they discovered, but a little
distance away, a capsized vessel with a dozen men clinging to her keel.
"We are fortunate," said the Gallant Crew, "to have seen that in time.
Our fate might have been the same as theirs."
So they hauled the life-boat back into its house, and were spared to the
service of their country.
A Treaty of Peace
Through massacres of each other's citizens China and the United States
had been four times plunged into devastating wars, when, in the year
1994, arose a Philosopher in Madagascar, who laid before the Governments
of the two distracted countries the following _modus vivendi_:
"Massacres are to be sternly forbidden as heretofore; but any citizen or
subject of either country disobeying the injunction is to detach the
scalps of all persons massacred and deposit them with a local officer
designated to receive and preserve them and sworn to keep and render a
true account thereof. At the conclusion of each massacre in either
country, or as soon thereafter as practicable, or at stated regular
periods, as may be provided by treaty, there shall be an exchange of
scalps between the two Governments, scalp for scalp, without regard to
sex or age; the Government having the greatest number is to be taxed on
the excess at the rate of $1000 a scalp, and the other Government
credited with the amount. Once in every decade there shall be a general
settlement, when the balance due shall be paid to the creditor nation in
Mexican dollars."
The plan was adopted, the necessary treaty made, with legislation to
carry out its provisions; the Madagascarene Philosopher took his seat in
the Temple of Immortality, and Peace spread her white wings over the two
nations, to the unspeakable defiling of her plumage.
The Nightside of Character
A Gifted and Honourable Editor, who by practice of his profession had
acquired wealth and distinction, applied to an Old Friend for the hand of
his daughter in marriage.
"With all my heart, and God bless you!" said the Old Friend, grasping him
by both hands. "It is a greater honour than I had dared to hope for."
"I knew what your answer would be," replied the Gifted and Honourable
Editor. "And yet," he added, with a sly smile, "I feel that I ought to
give you as much knowledge of my character as I possess. In this scrap-
book is such testimony relating to my shady side, as I have within the
past ten years been able to cut from the columns of my competitors in the
business of elevating humanity to a higher plane of mind and morals--my
'loathsome contemporaries.'"
Laying the book on a table, he withdrew in high spirits to make
arrangements for the wedding. Three days later he received the scrap-
book from a messenger, with a note warning him never again to darken his
Old Friend's door.
"See!" the Gifted and Honourable Editor exclaimed, pointing to that
injunction--"I am a painter and grainer!"
And he was led away to the Asylum for the Indiscreet.
The Faithful Cashier
The Cashier of a bank having defaulted was asked by the Directors what he
had done with the money taken.
"I am greatly surprised by such a question," said the Cashier; "it sounds
as if you suspected me of selfishness. Gentlemen, I applied that money
to the purpose for which I took it; I paid it as an initiation fee and
one year's dues in advance to the Treasurer of the Cashiers' Mutual
Defence Association."
"What is the object of that organisation?" the Directors inquired.
"When any one of its members is under suspicion," replied the Cashier,
"the Association undertakes to clear his character by submitting evidence
that he was never a prominent member of any church, nor foremost in
Sunday-school work."
Recognising the value to the bank of a spotless reputation for its
officers, the President drew his check for the amount of the shortage and
the Cashier was restored to favour.
The Circular Clew
A Detective searching for the murderer of a dead man was accosted by a
Clew.
"Follow me," said the Clew, "and there's no knowing what you may
discover."
So the Detective followed the Clew a whole year through a thousand
sinuosities, and at last found himself in the office of the Morgue.
"There!" said the Clew, pointing to the open register.
The Detective eagerly scanned the page, and found an official statement
that the deceased was dead. Thereupon he hastened to Police Headquarters
to report progress. The Clew, meanwhile, sauntered among the busy haunts
of men, arm in arm with an Ingenious Theory.
The Devoted Widow
A Widow weeping on her husband's grave was approached by an Engaging
Gentleman who, in a respectful manner, assured her that he had long
entertained for her the most tender feelings.
"Wretch!" cried the Widow. "Leave me this instant! Is this a time to
talk to me of love?"
"I assure you, madam, that I had not intended to disclose my affection,"
the Engaging Gentleman humbly explained, "but the power of your beauty
has overcome my discretion."
"You should see me when I have not been crying," said the Widow.
The Hardy Patriots
A Dispenser-Elect of Patronage gave notice through the newspapers that
applicants for places would be given none until he should assume the
duties of his office.
"You are exposing yourself to a grave danger," said a Lawyer.
"How so?" the Dispenser-Elect inquired.
"It will be nearly two months," the Lawyer answered, "before the day that
you mention. Few patriots can live so long without eating, and some of
the applicants will be compelled to go to work in the meantime. If that
kills them, you will be liable to prosecution for murder."
"You underrate their powers of endurance," the official replied.
"What!" said the Lawyer, "you think they can stand work?"
"No," said the other--"hunger."
The Humble Peasant
An Office Seeker whom the President had ordered out of Washington was
watering the homeward highway with his tears.
"Ah," he said, "how disastrous is ambition! how unsatisfying its rewards!
how terrible its disappointments! Behold yonder peasant tilling his
field in peace and contentment! He rises with the lark, passes the day
in wholesome toil, and lies down at night to pleasant dreams. In the mad
struggle for place and power he has no part; the roar of the strife
reaches his ear like the distant murmur of the ocean. Happy, thrice
happy man! I will approach him and bask in the sunshine of his humble
felicity. Peasant, all hail!"
Leaning upon his rake, the Peasant returned the salutation with a nod,
but said nothing.
"My friend," said the Office Seeker, "you see before you the wreck of an
ambitious man--ruined by the pursuit of place and power. This morning
when I set out from the national capital--"
"Stranger," the Peasant interrupted, "if you're going back there soon
maybe you wouldn't mind using your influence to make me Postmaster at
Smith's Corners."
The traveller passed on.
The Various Delegation
The King of Wideout having been offered the sovereignty of Wayoff, sent
for the Three Persons who had made the offer, and said to them:
"I am extremely obliged to you, but before accepting so great a
responsibility I must ascertain the sentiments of the people of Wayoff."
"Sire," said the Spokesman of the Three Persons, "they stand before you."
"Indeed!" said the King; "are you, then, the people of Wayoff?"
"Yes, your Majesty."
"There are not many of you," the King said, attentively regarding them
with the royal eye, "and you are not so very large; I hardly think you
are a quorum. Moreover, I never heard of you until you came here;
whereas Wayoff is noted for the quality of its pork and contains hogs of
distinction. I shall send a Commissioner to ascertain the sentiments of
the hogs."
The Three Persons, bowing profoundly, backed out of the presence; but
soon afterward they desired another audience, and, on being readmitted,
said, through their Spokesman:
"May it please your Majesty, we are the hogs."
The No Case
A Statesman who had been indicted by an unfeeling Grand Jury was arrested
by a Sheriff and thrown into jail. As this was abhorrent to his fine
spiritual nature, he sent for the District Attorney and asked that the
case against him be dismissed.
"Upon what grounds?" asked the District Attorney.
"Lack of evidence to convict," replied the accused.
"Do you happen to have the lack with you?" the official asked. "I should
like to see it."
"With pleasure," said the other; "here it is."
So saying he handed the other a check, which the District Attorney
carefully examined, and then pronounced it the most complete absence of
both proof and presumption that he had ever seen. He said it would
acquit the oldest man in the world.
A Harmless Visitor
At a meeting of the Golden League of Mystery a Woman was discovered,
writing in a note-book. A member directed the attention of the Superb
High Chairman to her, and she was asked to explain her presence there,
and what she was doing.
"I came in for my own pleasure and instruction," she said, "and was so
struck by the wisdom of the speakers that I could not help making a few
notes."
"Madam," said the Superb High Chairman, "we have no objection to visitors
if they will pledge themselves not to publish anything they hear. Are
you--on your honour as a lady, now, madam--are you not connected with
some newspaper?"
"Good gracious, no!" cried the Woman, earnestly. "Why, sir, I am an
officer of the Women's Press Association!"
She was permitted to remain, and presented with resolutions of apology.
The Judge and the Rash Act
A Judge who had for years looked in vain for an opportunity for infamous
distinction, but whom no litigant thought worth bribing, sat one day upon
the Bench, lamenting his hard lot, and threatening to put an end to his
life if business did not improve. Suddenly he found himself confronted
by a dreadful figure clad in a shroud, whose pallor and stony eyes smote
him with a horrible apprehension.
"Who are you," he faltered, "and why do you come here?"
"I am the Rash Act," was the sepulchral reply; "you may commit me."
"No," the judge said, thoughtfully, "no, that would be quite irregular. I
do not sit to-day as a committing magistrate."
The Prerogative of Might
A Slander travelling rapidly through the land upon its joyous mission was
accosted by a Retraction and commanded to halt and be killed.
"Your career of mischief is at an end," said the Retraction, drawing his
club, rolling up his sleeves, and spitting on his hands.
"Why should you slay me?" protested the Slander. "Whatever my intentions
were, I have been innocuous, for you have dogged my strides and
counteracted my influence."
"Dogged your grandmother!" said the Retraction, with contemptuous
vulgarity of speech. "In the order of nature it is appointed that we two
shall never travel the same road."
"How then," the Slander asked, triumphantly, "have you overtaken me?"
"I have not," replied the Retraction; "we have accidentally met. I came
round the world the other way."
But when he tried to execute his fell purpose he found that in the order
of nature it was appointed that he himself perish miserably in the
encounter.
An Inflated Ambition
The President of a great Corporation went into a dry-goods shop and saw a
placard which read:
"If You Don't See What You Want, Ask For It."
Approaching the shopkeeper, who had been narrowly observing him as he
read the placard, he was about to speak, when the shopkeeper called to a
salesman:
"John, show this gentleman the world."
Rejected Services
A Heavy Operator overtaken by a Reverse of Fortune was bewailing his
sudden fall from affluence to indigence.
"Do not weep," said the Reverse of Fortune. "You need not suffer alone.
Name any one of the men who have opposed your schemes, and I will
overtake _him_."
"It is hardly worth while," said the victim, earnestly. "Not a soul of
them has a cent!"
The Power of the Scalawag
A Forestry Commissioner had just felled a giant tree when, seeing an
honest man approaching, he dropped his axe and fled. The next day when
he cautiously returned to get his axe, he found the following lines
pencilled on the stump:
"What nature reared by centuries of toil,
A scalawag in half a day can spoil;
An equal fate for him may Heaven provide--
Damned in the moment of his tallest pride."
At Large--One Temper
A Turbulent Person was brought before a Judge to be tried for an assault
with intent to commit murder, and it was proved that he had been
variously obstreperous without apparent provocation, had affected the
peripheries of several luckless fellow-citizens with the trunk of a small
tree, and subsequently cleaned out the town. While trying to palliate
these misdeeds, the defendant's Attorney turned suddenly to the Judge,
saying:
"Did your Honour ever lose your temper?"