Transcribed from the 1899 G. P. Putnam's Sons edition by David Price,
email ccx074@pglaf.org
FANTASTIC FABLES
BY AMBROSE BIERCE
AUTHOR OF "TALES OF SOLDIERS AND CIVILIANS," "CAN SUCH THINGS BE?" "BLACK
BEETLES IN AMBER," ETC.
G. P. PUTNAM'S SONS
NEW YORK AND LONDON
The Knickerbocker Press _1899_
Contents:
The Moral Principle and the Material Interest
The Crimson Candle
The Blotted Escutcheon and the Soiled Ermine
The Ingenious Patriot
Two Kings
An Officer and a Thug
The Conscientious Official
How Leisure Came
The Moral Sentiment
The Politicians
The Thoughtful Warden
The Treasury and the Arms
The Christian Serpent
The Broom of the Temple
The Critics
The Foolish Woman
Father and Son
The Discontented Malefactor
A Call to Quit
The Man and the Lightning
The Lassoed Bear
The Ineffective Rooter
A Protagonist of Silver
The Holy Deacon
A Hasty Settlement
The Wooden Guns
The Reform School Board
The Poet's Doom
The Noser and the Note
The Cat and the King
The Literary Astronomer
The Lion and the Rattlesnake
The Man with No Enemies
The Alderman and the Raccoon
The Flying-Machine
The Angel's Tear
The City of Political Distinction
The Party Over There
The Poetess of Reform
The Unchanged Diplomatist
An Invitation
The Ashes of Madame Blavatsky
The Opossum of the Future
The Life-Savers
The Australian Grasshopper
The Pavior
The Tried Assassin
The Bumbo of Jiam
The Two Poets
The Thistles upon the Grave
The Shadow of the Leader
The Sagacious Rat
The Member and the Soap
Alarm and Pride
A Causeway
Two in Trouble
The Witch's Steed
The All Dog
The Farmer's Friend
Physicians Two
The Overlooked Factor
A Racial Parallel
The Honest Cadi
The Kangaroo and the Zebra
A Matter of Method
The Man of Principle
The Returned Californian
The Compassionate Physician
Two of the Damned
The Austere Governor
Religions of Error
The Penitent Elector
The Tail of the Sphinx
A Prophet of Evil
The Crew of the Life-boat
A Treaty of Peace
The Nightside of Character
The Faithful Cashier
The Circular Clew
The Devoted Widow
The Hardy Patriots
The Humble Peasant
The Various Delegation
The No Case
A Harmless Visitor
The Judge and the Rash Act
The Prerogative of Might
An Inflated Ambition
Rejected Services
The Power of the Scalawag
At Large--One Temper
The Seeker and the Sought
His Fly-Speck Majesty
The Pugilist's Diet
The Old Man and the Pupil
The Deceased and his Heirs
The Politicians and the Plunder
The Man and the Wart
The Divided Delegation
A Forfeited Right
Revenge
An Optimist
A Valuable Suggestion
Two Footpads
Equipped for Service
The Basking Cyclone
At the Pole
The Optimist and the Cynic
The Poet and the Editor
The Taken Hand
An Unspeakable Imbecile
A Needful War
The Mine Owner and the Jackass
The Dog and the Physician
The Party Manager and the Gentleman.
The Legislator and the Citizen
The Rainmaker
The Citizen and the Snakes
Fortune and the Fabulist
A Smiling Idol
Philosophers Three
The Boneless King
Uncalculating Zeal
A Transposition
The Honest Citizen
A Creaking Tail
Wasted Sweets
Six and One
The Sportsman and the Squirrel
The Fogy and the Sheik
At Heaven's Gate
The Catted Anarchist
The Honourable Member
The Expatriated Boss
An Inadequate Fee
The Judge and the Plaintiff
The Return of the Representative
A Statesman
Two Dogs
Three Recruits
The Mirror
Saint and Sinner
An Antidote
A Weary Echo
The Ingenious Blackmailer
A Talisman
The Ancient Order
A Fatal Disorder
The Massacre
A Ship and a Man
Congress and the People
The Justice and His Accuser
The Highwayman and the Traveller
The Policeman and the Citizen
The Writer and the Tramps
Two Politicians
The Fugitive Office
The Tyrant Frog
The Eligible Son-in-Law
The Statesman and the Horse
An AErophobe
The Thrift of Strength
The Good Government
The Life-Saver
The Man and the Bird
From the Minutes
Three of a Kind
The Fabulist and the Animals
A Revivalist Revived
The Debaters
Two of the Pious
The Desperate Object
The Appropriate Memorial
A Needless Labour
A Flourishing Industry
The Self-Made Monkey
The Patriot and the Banker
The Mourning Brothers
The Disinterested Arbiter
The Thief and the Honest Man
The Dutiful Son
Aesopus Emendatus
The Cat and the Youth
The Farmer and His Sons
Jupiter and the Baby Show
The Man and the Dog
The Cat and the Birds
Mercury and the Woodchopper
The Fox and the Grapes
The Penitent Thief
The Archer and the Eagle
Truth and the Traveller
The Wolf and the Lamb
The Lion and the Boar
The Grasshopper and the Ant
The Fisher and the Fished
The Farmer and the Fox
Dame Fortune and the Traveller
The Victor and the Victim
The Wolf and the Shepherds
The Goose and the Swan
The Lion, the Cock, and the Ass
The Snake and the Swallow
The Wolves and the Dogs
The Hen and the Vipers
A Seasonable Joke
The Lion and the Thorn
The Fawn and the Buck
The Kite, the Pigeons, and the Hawk
The Wolf and the Babe
The Wolf and the Ostrich
The Herdsman and the Lion
The Man and the Viper
The Man and the Eagle
The War-horse and the Miller
The Dog and the Reflection
The Man and the Fish-horn
The Hare and the Tortoise
Hercules and the Carter
The Lion and the Bull
The Man and his Goose
The Wolf and the Feeding Goat
Jupiter and the Birds
The Lion and the Mouse
The Old Man and his Sons
The Crab and his Son
The North Wind and the Sun
The Mountain and the Mouse
The Bellamy and the Members
Old Saws with New Teeth
The Wolf and the Crane
The Lion and the Mouse
The Hares and the Frogs
The Belly and the Members
The Piping Fisherman
The Ants and the Grasshopper
The Dog and His Reflection
The Lion, the Bear, and the Fox
The Ass and the Lion's Skin
The Ass and the Grasshoppers
The Wolf and the Lion
The Hare and the Tortoise
The Milkmaid and Her Bucket
King Log and King Stork
The Wolf Who Would Be a Lion
The Monkey and the Nuts
The Boys and the Frogs
The Moral Principle and the Material Interest . . .
A Moral Principle met a Material Interest on a bridge wide enough for but
one.
"Down, you base thing!" thundered the Moral Principle, "and let me pass
over you!"
The Material Interest merely looked in the other's eyes without saying
anything.
"Ah," said the Moral Principle, hesitatingly, "let us draw lots to see
which shall retire till the other has crossed."
The Material Interest maintained an unbroken silence and an unwavering
stare.
"In order to avoid a conflict," the Moral Principle resumed, somewhat
uneasily, "I shall myself lie down and let you walk over me."
Then the Material Interest found a tongue, and by a strange coincidence
it was its own tongue. "I don't think you are very good walking," it
said. "I am a little particular about what I have underfoot. Suppose
you get off into the water."
It occurred that way.
The Crimson Candle
A man lying at the point of death called his wife to his bedside and
said:
"I am about to leave you forever; give me, therefore, one last proof of
your affection and fidelity, for, according to our holy religion, a
married man seeking admittance at the gate of Heaven is required to swear
that he has never defiled himself with an unworthy woman. In my desk you
will find a crimson candle, which has been blessed by the High Priest and
has a peculiar mystical significance. Swear to me that while it is in
existence you will not remarry."
The Woman swore and the Man died. At the funeral the Woman stood at the
head of the bier, holding a lighted crimson candle till it was wasted
entirely away.
The Blotted Escutcheon and the Soiled Ermine
A Blotted Escutcheon, rising to a question of privilege, said:
"Mr. Speaker, I wish to hurl back an allegation and explain that the
spots upon me are the natural markings of one who is a direct descendant
of the sun and a spotted fawn. They come of no accident of character,
but inhere in the divine order and constitution of things."
When the Blotted Escutcheon had resumed his seat a Soiled Ermine rose and
said:
"Mr. Speaker, I have heard with profound attention and entire approval
the explanation of the honourable member, and wish to offer a few remarks
on my own behalf. I, too, have been foully calumniated by our ancient
enemy, the Infamous Falsehood, and I wish to point out that I am made of
the fur of the _Mustela maculata_, which is dirty from birth."
The Ingenious Patriot
Having obtained an audience of the King an Ingenious Patriot pulled a
paper from his pocket, saying:
"May it please your Majesty, I have here a formula for constructing
armour-plating which no gun can pierce. If these plates are adopted in
the Royal Navy our warships will be invulnerable, and therefore
invincible. Here, also, are reports of your Majesty's Ministers,
attesting the value of the invention. I will part with my right in it
for a million tumtums."
After examining the papers, the King put them away and promised him an
order on the Lord High Treasurer of the Extortion Department for a
million tumtums.
"And here," said the Ingenious Patriot, pulling another paper from
another pocket, "are the working plans of a gun that I have invented,
which will pierce that armour. Your Majesty's Royal Brother, the Emperor
of Bang, is anxious to purchase it, but loyalty to your Majesty's throne
and person constrains me to offer it first to your Majesty. The price is
one million tumtums."
Having received the promise of another check, he thrust his hand into
still another pocket, remarking:
"The price of the irresistible gun would have been much greater, your
Majesty, but for the fact that its missiles can be so effectively averted
by my peculiar method of treating the armour plates with a new--"
The King signed to the Great Head Factotum to approach.
"Search this man," he said, "and report how many pockets he has."
"Forty-three, Sire," said the Great Head Factotum, completing the
scrutiny.
"May it please your Majesty," cried the Ingenious Patriot, in terror,
"one of them contains tobacco."
"Hold him up by the ankles and shake him," said the King; "then give him
a check for forty-two million tumtums and put him to death. Let a decree
issue declaring ingenuity a capital offence."
Two Kings
The King of Madagao, being engaged in a dispute with the King of
Bornegascar, wrote him as follows:
"Before proceeding further in this matter I demand the recall of your
Minister from my capital."
Greatly enraged by this impossible demand, the King of Bornegascar
replied:
"I shall not recall my Minister. Moreover, if you do not immediately
retract your demand I shall withdraw him!"
This threat so terrified the King of Madagao that in hastening to comply
he fell over his own feet, breaking the Third Commandment.
An Officer and a Thug
A Chief of Police who had seen an Officer beating a Thug was very
indignant, and said he must not do so any more on pain of dismissal.
"Don't be too hard on me," said the Officer, smiling; "I was beating him
with a stuffed club."
"Nevertheless," persisted the Chief of Police, "it was a liberty that
must have been very disagreeable, though it may not have hurt. Please do
not repeat it."
"But," said the Officer, still smiling, "it was a stuffed Thug."
In attempting to express his gratification, the Chief of Police thrust
out his right hand with such violence that his skin was ruptured at the
arm-pit and a stream of sawdust poured from the wound. He was a stuffed
Chief of Police.
The Conscientious Official
While a Division Superintendent of a railway was attending closely to his
business of placing obstructions on the track and tampering with the
switches he received word that the President of the road was about to
discharge him for incompetency.
"Good Heavens!" he cried; "there are more accidents on my division than
on all the rest of the line."
"The President is very particular," said the Man who brought him the
news; "he thinks the same loss of life might be effected with less damage
to the company's property."
"Does he expect me to shoot passengers through the car windows?"
exclaimed the indignant official, spiking a loose tie across the rails.
"Does he take me for an assassin?"
How Leisure Came
A Man to Whom Time Was Money, and who was bolting his breakfast in order
to catch a train, had leaned his newspaper against the sugar-bowl and was
reading as he ate. In his haste and abstraction he stuck a pickle-fork
into his right eye, and on removing the fork the eye came with it. In
buying spectacles the needless outlay for the right lens soon reduced him
to poverty, and the Man to Whom Time Was Money had to sustain life by
fishing from the end of a wharf.
The Moral Sentiment
A Pugilist met the Moral Sentiment of the Community, who was carrying a
hat-box. "What have you in the hat-box, my friend?" inquired the
Pugilist.
"A new frown," was the answer. "I am bringing it from the frownery--the
one over there with the gilded steeple."
"And what are you going to do with the nice new frown?" the Pugilist
asked.
"Put down pugilism--if I have to wear it night and day," said the Moral
Sentiment of the Community, sternly.
"That's right," said the Pugilist, "that is right, my good friend; if
pugilism had been put down yesterday, I wouldn't have this kind of Nose
to-day. I had a rattling hot fight last evening with--"
"Is that so?" cried the Moral Sentiment of the Community, with sudden
animation. "Which licked? Sit down here on the hat-box and tell me all
about it!"
The Politicians
An Old Politician and a Young Politician were travelling through a
beautiful country, by the dusty highway which leads to the City of
Prosperous Obscurity. Lured by the flowers and the shade and charmed by
the songs of birds which invited to woodland paths and green fields, his
imagination fired by glimpses of golden domes and glittering palaces in
the distance on either hand, the Young Politician said:
"Let us, I beseech thee, turn aside from this comfortless road leading,
thou knowest whither, but not I. Let us turn our backs upon duty and
abandon ourselves to the delights and advantages which beckon from every
grove and call to us from every shining hill. Let us, if so thou wilt,
follow this beautiful path, which, as thou seest, hath a guide-board
saying, 'Turn in here all ye who seek the Palace of Political
Distinction.'"
"It is a beautiful path, my son," said the Old Politician, without either
slackening his pace or turning his head, "and it leadeth among pleasant
scenes. But the search for the Palace of Political Distinction is beset
with one mighty peril."
"What is that?" said the Young Politician.
"The peril of finding it," the Old Politician replied, pushing on.
The Thoughtful Warden
The Warden of a Penitentiary was one day putting locks on the doors of
all the cells when a mechanic said to him:
"Those locks can all be opened from the inside--you are very imprudent."
The Warden did not look up from his work, but said:
"If that is called imprudence, I wonder what would be called a thoughtful
provision against the vicissitudes of fortune."
The Treasury and the Arms
A Public Treasury, feeling Two Arms lifting out its contents, exclaimed:
"Mr. Shareman, I move for a division."
"You seem to know something about parliamentary forms of speech," said
the Two Arms.
"Yes," replied the Public Treasury, "I am familiar with the hauls of
legislation."
The Christian Serpent
A Rattlesnake came home to his brood and said: "My children, gather about
and receive your father's last blessing, and see how a Christian dies."
"What ails you, Father?" asked the Small Snakes.
"I have been bitten by the editor of a partisan journal," was the reply,
accompanied by the ominous death-rattle.
The Broom of the Temple
The city of Gakwak being about to lose its character of capital of the
province of Ukwuk, the Wampog issued a proclamation convening all the
male residents in council in the Temple of Ul to devise means of defence.
The first speaker thought the best policy would be to offer a fried
jackass to the gods. The second suggested a public procession, headed by
the Wampog himself, bearing the Holy Poker on a cushion of
cloth-of-brass. Another thought that a scarlet mole should be buried
alive in the public park and a suitable incantation chanted over the
remains. The advice of the fourth was that the columns of the capitol be
rubbed with oil of dog by a person having a moustache on the calf of his
leg. When all the others had spoken an Aged Man rose and said:
"High and mighty Wampog and fellow-citizens, I have listened attentively
to all the plans proposed. All seem wise, and I do not suffer myself to
doubt that any one of them would be efficacious. Nevertheless, I cannot
help thinking that if we would put an improved breed of polliwogs in our
drinking water, construct shallower roadways, groom the street cows,
offer the stranger within our gates a free choice between the poniard and
the potion, and relinquish our private system of morals, the other
measures of public safety would be needless."
The Aged Man was about to speak further, but the meeting informally
adjourned in order to sweep the floor of the temple--for the men of
Gakwak are the tidiest housewives in all that province. The last speaker
was the broom.
The Critics
While bathing, Antinous was seen by Minerva, who was so enamoured of his
beauty that, all armed as she happened to be, she descended from Olympus
to woo him; but, unluckily displaying her shield, with the head of Medusa
on it, she had the unhappiness to see the beautiful mortal turn to stone
from catching a glimpse of it. She straightway ascended to ask Jove to
restore him; but before this could be done a Sculptor and a Critic passed
that way and espied him.
"This is a very bad Apollo," said the Sculptor: "the chest is too narrow,
and one arm is at least a half-inch shorter than the other. The attitude
is unnatural, and I may say impossible. Ah! my friend, you should see my
statue of Antinous."
"In my judgment, the figure," said the Critic, "is tolerably good, though
rather Etrurian, but the expression of the face is decidedly Tuscan, and
therefore false to nature. By the way, have you read my work on 'The
Fallaciousness of the Aspectual in Art'?"
The Foolish Woman
A Married Woman, whose lover was about to reform by running away,
procured a pistol and shot him dead.
"Why did you do that, Madam?" inquired a Policeman, sauntering by.
"Because," replied the Married Woman, "he was a wicked man, and had
purchased a ticket to Chicago."
"My sister," said an adjacent Man of God, solemnly, "you cannot stop the
wicked from going to Chicago by killing them."
Father and Son
"My boy," said an aged Father to his fiery and disobedient Son, "a hot
temper is the soil of remorse. Promise me that when next you are angry
you will count one hundred before you move or speak."
No sooner had the Son promised than he received a stinging blow from the
paternal walking-stick, and by the time he had counted to seventy-five
had the unhappiness to see the old man jump into a waiting cab and whirl
away.
The Discontented Malefactor
A Judge having sentenced a Malefactor to the penitentiary was proceeding
to point out to him the disadvantages of crime and the profit of
reformation.
"Your Honour," said the Malefactor, interrupting, "would you be kind
enough to alter my punishment to ten years in the penitentiary and
nothing else?"
"Why," said the Judge, surprised, "I have given you only three years!"
"Yes, I know," assented the Malefactor--"three years' imprisonment and
the preaching. If you please, I should like to commute the preaching."
A Call to Quit
Seeing that his audiences were becoming smaller every Sunday, a Minister
of the Gospel broke off in the midst of a sermon, descended the pulpit
stairs, and walked on his hands down the central aisle of the church. He
then remounted his feet, ascended to the pulpit, and resumed his
discourse, making no allusion to the incident.
"Now," said he to himself, as he went home, "I shall have, henceforth, a
large attendance and no snoring."
But on the following Friday he was waited upon by the Pillars of the
Church, who informed him that in order to be in harmony with the New
Theology and get full advantage of modern methods of Gospel
interpretation they had deemed it advisable to make a change. They had
therefore sent a call to Brother Jowjeetum-Fallal, the World-Renowned
Hindoo Human Pin-Wheel, then holding forth in Hoopitup's circus. They
were happy to say that the reverend gentleman had been moved by the
Spirit to accept the call, and on the ensuing Sabbath would break the
bread of life for the brethren or break his neck in the attempt.
The Man and the Lightning
A Man Running for Office was overtaken by Lightning.
"You see," said the Lightning, as it crept past him inch by inch, "I can
travel considerably faster than you."
"Yes," the Man Running for Office replied, "but think how much longer I
keep going!"
The Lassoed Bear
A Hunter who had lassoed a Bear was trying to disengage himself from the
rope, but the slip-knot about his wrist would not yield, for the Bear was
all the time pulling in the slack with his paws. In the midst of his
trouble the Hunter saw a Showman passing by, and managed to attract his
attention.
"What will you give me," he said, "for my Bear?"
"It will be some five or ten minutes," said the Showman, "before I shall
want a fresh Bear, and it looks to me as if prices would fall during that
time. I think I'll wait and watch the market."
"The price of this animal," the Hunter replied, "is down to bed-rock; you
can have him for nothing a pound, spot cash, and I'll throw in the next
one that I lasso. But the purchaser must remove the goods from the
premises forthwith, to make room for three man-eating tigers, a
cat-headed gorilla, and an armful of rattlesnakes."
But the Showman passed on, in maiden meditation, fancy free, and being
joined soon afterward by the Bear, who was absently picking his teeth, it
was inferred that they were not unacquainted.
The Ineffective Rooter
A Drunken Man was lying in the road with a bleeding nose, upon which he
had fallen, when a Pig passed that way.
"You wallow fairly well," said the Pig, "but, my fine fellow, you have
much to learn about rooting."
A Protagonist of Silver
Some Financiers who were whetting their tongues on their teeth because
the Government had "struck down" silver, and were about to "inaugurate" a
season of sweatshed, were addressed as follows by a Member of their
honourable and warlike body:
"Comrades of the thunder and companions of death, I cannot but regard it
as singularly fortunate that we who by conviction and sympathy are
designated by nature as the champions of that fairest of her products,
the white metal, should also, by a happy chance, be engaged mostly in the
business of mining it. Nothing could be more appropriate than that those
who from unselfish motives and elevated sentiments are doing battle for
the people's rights and interests, should themselves be the chief
beneficiaries of success. Therefore, O children of the earthquake and
the storm, let us stand shoulder to shoulder, heart to heart, and pocket
to pocket!"
This speech so pleased the other Members of the convention that, actuated
by a magnanimous impulse, they sprang to their feet and left the hall. It
was the first time they had ever been known to leave anything having
value.
The Holy Deacon
An Itinerant Preacher who had wrought hard in the moral vineyard for
several hours whispered to a Holy Deacon of the local church:
"Brother, these people know you, and your active support will bear fruit
abundantly. Please pass the plate for me, and you shall have one
fourth."
The Holy Deacon did so, and putting the money into his pocket waited till
the congregation was dismissed and said goodnight.
"But the money, brother, the money that you collected!" said the
Itinerant Preacher.
"Nothing is coming to you," was the reply; "the Adversary has hardened
their hearts, and one fourth is all they gave."
A Hasty Settlement
"Your Honour," said an Attorney, rising, "what is the present status of
this case--as far as it has gone?"
"I have given a judgment for the residuary legatee under the will," said
the Court, "put the costs upon the contestants, decided all questions
relating to fees and other charges; and, in short, the estate in
litigation has been settled, with all controversies, disputes,
misunderstandings, and differences of opinion thereunto appertaining."
"Ah, yes, I see," said the Attorney, thoughtfully, "we are making
progress--we are getting on famously."
"Progress?" echoed the Judge--"progress? Why, sir, the matter is
concluded!"
"Exactly, exactly; it had to be concluded in order to give relevancy to
the motion that I am about to make. Your Honour, I move that the
judgment of the Court be set aside and the case reopened."
"Upon what ground, sir?" the Judge asked in surprise.
"Upon the ground," said the Attorney, "that after paying all fees and
expenses of litigation and all charges against the estate there will
still be something left."
"There may have been an error," said His Honour, thoughtfully--"the Court
may have underestimated the value of the estate. The motion is taken
under advisement."
The Wooden Guns
An Artillery Regiment of a State Militia applied to the Governor for
wooden guns to practise with.
"Those," they explained, "will be cheaper than real ones."
"It shall not be said that I sacrificed efficiency to economy," said the
Governor. "You shall have real guns."
"Thank you, thank you," cried the warriors, effusively. "We will take
good care of them, and in the event of war return them to the arsenal."
The Reform School Board
The members of the School Board in Doosnoswair being suspected of
appointing female teachers for an improper consideration, the people
elected a Board composed wholly of women. In a few years the scandal was
at an end; there were no female teachers in the Department.
The Poet's Doom
An Object was walking along the King's highway wrapped in meditation and
with little else on, when he suddenly found himself at the gates of a
strange city. On applying for admittance, he was arrested as a
necessitator of ordinances, and taken before the King.
"Who are you," said the King, "and what is your business in life?"
"Snouter the Sneak," replied the Object, with ready invention;
"pick-pocket."
The King was about to command him to be released when the Prime Minister
suggested that the prisoner's fingers be examined. They were found
greatly flattened and calloused at the ends.
"Ha!" cried the King; "I told you so!--he is addicted to counting
syllables. This is a poet. Turn him over to the Lord High Dissuader
from the Head Habit."
"My liege," said the Inventor-in-Ordinary of Ingenious Penalties, "I
venture to suggest a keener affliction.
"Name it," the King said.
"Let him retain that head!"
It was so ordered.
The Noser and the Note
The Head Rifler of an insolvent bank, learning that it was about to be
visited by the official Noser into Things, placed his own personal note
for a large amount among its resources, and, gaily touching his guitar,
awaited the inspection. When the Noser came to the note he asked,
"What's this?"
"That," said the Assistant Pocketer of Deposits, "is one of our
liabilities."
"A liability?" exclaimed the Noser. "Nay, nay, an asset. That is what
you mean, doubtless."
"Therein you err," the Pocketer explained; "that note was written in the
bank with our own pen, ink, and paper, and we have not paid a stationery
bill for six months."
"Ah, I see," the Noser said, thoughtfully; "it is a liability. May I ask
how you expect to meet it?"
"With fortitude, please God," answered the Assistant Pocketer, his eyes
to Heaven raising--"with fortitude and a firm reliance on the laxity of
the law."
"Enough, enough," exclaimed the faithful servant of the State, choking
with emotion; "here is a certificate of solvency."
"And here is a bottle of ink," the grateful financier said, slipping it
into the other's pocket; "it is all that we have."
The Cat and the King
A Cat was looking at a King, as permitted by the proverb.
"Well," said the monarch, observing her inspection of the royal person,
"how do you like me?"
"I can imagine a King," said the Cat, "whom I should like better."
"For example?"
"The King of the Mice."
The sovereign was so pleased with the wit of the reply that he gave her
permission to scratch his Prime Minister's eyes out.
The Literary Astronomer
The Director of an Observatory, who, with a thirty-six-inch refractor,
had discovered the moon, hastened to an Editor, with a four-column
account of the event.
"How much?" said the Editor, sententiously, without looking up from his
essay on the circularity of the political horizon.
"One hundred and sixty dollars," replied the man who had discovered the
moon.
"Not half enough," was the Editor's comment.
"Generous man!" cried the Astronomer, glowing with warm and elevated
sentiments, "pay me, then, what you will."
"Great and good friend," said the Editor, blandly, looking up from his
work, "we are far asunder, it seems. The paying is to be done by you."
The Director of the Observatory gathered up the manuscript and went away,
explaining that it needed correction; he had neglected to dot an m.
The Lion and the Rattlesnake
A Man having found a Lion in his path undertook to subdue him by the
power of the human eye; and near by was a Rattlesnake engaged in
fascinating a small bird.
"How are you getting on, brother?" the Man called out to the other
reptile, without removing his eyes from those of the Lion.
"Admirably," replied the serpent. "My success is assured; my victim
draws nearer and nearer in spite of her efforts."
"And mine," said the Man, "draws nearer and nearer in spite of mine. Are
you sure it is all right?"
"If you don't think so," the reptile replied as well as he then could,
with his mouth full of bird, "you better give it up."
A half-hour later, the Lion, thoughtfully picking his teeth with his
claws, told the Rattlesnake that he had never in all his varied
experience in being subdued, seen a subduer try so earnestly to give it
up. "But," he added, with a wide, significant smile, "I looked him into
countenance."
The Man with No Enemies
An Inoffensive Person walking in a public place was assaulted by a
Stranger with a Club, and severely beaten.
When the Stranger with a Club was brought to trial, the complainant said
to the Judge:
"I do not know why I was assaulted; I have not an enemy in the world."
"That," said the defendant, "is why I struck him."
"Let the prisoner be discharged," said the Judge; "a man who has no
enemies has no friends. The courts are not for such."
The Alderman and the Raccoon
"I see quite a number of rings on your tail," said an Alderman to a
Raccoon that he met in a zoological garden.
"Yes," replied the Raccoon, "and I hear quite a number of tales on your
ring."
The Alderman, being of a sensitive, retiring disposition, shrank from
further comparison, and, strolling to another part of the garden, stole
the camel.
The Flying-Machine
An Ingenious Man who had built a flying-machine invited a great concourse
of people to see it go up. At the appointed moment, everything being
ready, he boarded the car and turned on the power. The machine
immediately broke through the massive substructure upon which it was
builded, and sank out of sight into the earth, the aeronaut springing out
barely in time to save himself.
"Well," said he, "I have done enough to demonstrate the correctness of my
details. The defects," he added, with a look at the ruined brick-work,
"are merely basic and fundamental."
Upon this assurance the people came forward with subscriptions to build a
second machine.
The Angel's Tear
An Unworthy Man who had laughed at the woes of a Woman whom he loved, was
bewailing his indiscretion in sack-cloth-of-gold and ashes-of-roses, when
the Angel of Compassion looked down upon him, saying:
"Poor mortal!--how unblest not to know the wickedness of laughing at
another's misfortune!"
So saying, he let fall a great tear, which, encountering in its descent a
current of cold air, was congealed into a hail-stone. This struck the
Unworthy Man on the head and set him rubbing that bruised organ
vigorously with one hand while vainly attempting to expand an umbrella
with the other.
Thereat the Angel of Compassion did most shamelessly and wickedly laugh.
The City of Political Distinction
Jamrach the Rich, being anxious to reach the City of Political
Distinction before nightfall, arrived at a fork of the road and was
undecided which branch to follow; so he consulted a Wise-Looking Person
who sat by the wayside.
"Take _that_ road," said the Wise-Looking Person, pointing it out; "it is
known as the Political Highway."
"Thank you," said Jamrach, and was about to proceed.
"About how much do you thank me?" was the reply. "Do you suppose I am
here for my health?"
As Jamrach had not become rich by stupidity, he handed something to his
guide and hastened on, and soon came to a toll-gate kept by a Benevolent
Gentleman, to whom he gave something, and was suffered to pass. A little
farther along he came to a bridge across an imaginary stream, where a
Civil Engineer (who had built the bridge) demanded something for interest
on his investment, and it was forthcoming. It was growing late when
Jamrach came to the margin of what appeared to be a lake of black ink,
and there the road terminated. Seeing a Ferryman in his boat he paid
something for his passage and was about to embark.
"No," said the Ferryman. "Put your neck in this noose, and I will tow
you over. It is the only way," he added, seeing that the passenger was
about to complain of the accommodations.
In due time he was dragged across, half strangled, and dreadfully
beslubbered by the feculent waters. "There," said the Ferryman, hauling
him ashore and disengaging him, "you are now in the City of Political
Distinction. It has fifty millions of inhabitants, and as the colour of
the Filthy Pool does not wash off, they all look exactly alike."
"Alas!" exclaimed Jamrach, weeping and bewailing the loss of all his
possessions, paid out in tips and tolls; "I will go back with you."
"I don't think you will,", said the Ferryman, pushing off; "this city is
situated on the Island of the Unreturning."
The Party Over There
A Man in a Hurry, whose watch was at his lawyer's, asked a Grave Person
the time of day.
"I heard you ask that Party Over There the same question," said the Grave
Person. "What answer did he give you?"
"He said it was about three o'clock," replied the Man in a Hurry; "but he
did not look at his watch, and as the sun is nearly down, I think it is
later."
"The fact that the sun is nearly down," the Grave Person said, "is
immaterial, but the fact that he did not consult his timepiece and make
answer after due deliberation and consideration is fatal. The answer
given," continued the Grave Person, consulting his own timepiece, "is of
no effect, invalid, and absurd."
"What, then," said the Man in a Hurry, eagerly, "is the time of day?"
"The question is remanded to the Party Over There for a new answer,"
replied the Grave Person, returning his watch to his pocket and moving
away with great dignity.
He was a Judge of an Appellate Court.
The Poetess of Reform
One pleasant day in the latter part of eternity, as the Shades of all the
great writers were reposing upon beds of asphodel and moly in the Elysian
fields, each happy in hearing from the lips of the others nothing but
copious quotation from his own works (for so Jove had kindly bedeviled
their ears), there came in among them with triumphant mien a Shade whom
none knew. She (for the newcomer showed such evidences of sex as cropped
hair and a manly stride) took a seat in their midst, and smiling a
superior smile explained:
"After centuries of oppression I have wrested my rights from the grasp of
the jealous gods. On earth I was the Poetess of Reform, and sang to
inattentive ears. Now for an eternity of honour and glory."
But it was not to be so, and soon she was the unhappiest of mortals,
vainly desirous to wander again in gloom by the infernal lakes. For Jove
had not bedeviled her ears, and she heard from the lips of each blessed
Shade an incessant flow of quotation from his own works. Moreover, she
was denied the happiness of repeating her poems. She could not recall a
line of them, for Jove had decreed that the memory of them abide in
Pluto's painful domain, as a part of the apparatus.
The Unchanged Diplomatist
The republic of Madagonia had been long and well represented at the court
of the King of Patagascar by an officer called a Dazie, but one day the
Madagonian Parliament conferred upon him the superior rank of Dandee. The
next day after being apprised of his new dignity he hastened to inform
the King of Patagascar.
"Ah, yes, I understand," said the King; "you have been promoted and given
increased pay and allowances. There was an appropriation?"
"Yes, your Majesty."
"And you have now two heads, have you not?"
"Oh, no, your Majesty--only one, I assure you."
"Indeed? And how many legs and arms?"
"Two of each, Sire--only two of each."
"And only one body?"
"Just a single body, as you perceive."
Thoughtfully removing his crown and scratching the royal head, the
monarch was silent a moment, and then he said:
"I fancy that appropriation has been misapplied. You seem to be about
the same kind of idiot that you were before."
An Invitation
A Pious Person who had overcharged his paunch with dead bird by way of
attesting his gratitude for escaping the many calamities which Heaven had
sent upon others, fell asleep at table and dreamed. He thought he lived
in a country where turkeys were the ruling class, and every year they
held a feast to manifest their sense of Heaven's goodness in sparing
their lives to kill them later. One day, about a week before one of
these feasts, he met the Supreme Gobbler, who said:
"You will please get yourself into good condition for the Thanksgiving
dinner."
"Yes, your Excellency," replied the Pious Person, delighted, "I shall
come hungry, I assure you. It is no small privilege to dine with your
Excellency."
The Supreme Gobbler eyed him for a moment in silence; then he said:
"As one of the lower domestic animals, you cannot be expected to know
much, but you might know something. Since you do not, you will permit me
to point out that being asked to dinner is one thing; being asked to dine
is another and a different thing."
With this significant remark the Supreme Gobbler left him, and
thenceforward the Pious Person dreamed of himself as white meat and dark
until rudely awakened by decapitation.
The Ashes of Madame Blavatsky
The two brightest lights of Theosophy being in the same place at once in
company with the Ashes of Madame Blavatsky, an Inquiring Soul thought the
time propitious to learn something worth while. So he sat at the feet of
one awhile, and then he sat awhile at the feet of the other, and at last
he applied his ear to the keyhole of the casket containing the Ashes of
Madame Blavatsky. When the Inquiring Soul had completed his course of
instruction he declared himself the Ahkoond of Swat, fell into the
baleful habit of standing on his head, and swore that the mother who bore
him was a pragmatic paralogism. Wherefore he was held in high reverence,
and when the two other gentlemen were hanged for lying the Theosophists
elected him to the leadership of their Disastral Body, and after a quiet
life and an honourable death by the kick of a jackass he was reincarnated
as a Yellow Dog. As such he ate the Ashes of Madame Blavatsky, and
Theosophy was no more.
The Opossum of the Future
One day an Opossum who had gone to sleep hanging from the highest branch
of a tree by the tail, awoke and saw a large Snake wound about the limb,
between him and the trunk of the tree.
"If I hold on," he said to himself, "I shall be swallowed; if I let go I
shall break my neck."
But suddenly he bethought himself to dissemble.
"My perfected friend," he said, "my parental instinct recognises in you a
noble evidence and illustration of the theory of development. You are
the Opossum of the Future, the ultimate Fittest Survivor of our species,
the ripe result of progressive prehensility--all tail!"
But the Snake, proud of his ancient eminence in Scriptural history, was
strictly orthodox, and did not accept the scientific view.
The Life-Savers
Seventy-Five Men presented themselves before the President of the Humane
Society and demanded the great gold medal for life-saving.
"Why, yes," said the President; "by diligent effort so many men must have
saved a considerable number of lives. How many did you save?"
"Seventy-five, sir," replied their Spokesman.
"Ah, yes, that is one each--very good work--very good work, indeed," the
President said. "You shall not only have the Society's great gold medal,
but its recommendation for employment at the various life-boat stations
along the coast. But how did you save so many lives?"
The Spokesman of the Men replied:
"We are officers of the law, and have just returned from the pursuit of
two murderous outlaws."
The Australian Grasshopper
A Distinguished Naturalist was travelling in Australia, when he saw a
Kangaroo in session and flung a stone at it. The Kangaroo immediately
adjourned, tracing against the sunset sky a parabolic curve spanning
seven provinces, and evanished below the horizon. The Distinguished
Naturalist looked interested, but said nothing for an hour; then he said
to his native Guide:
"You have pretty wide meadows here, I suppose?"
"No, not very wide," the Guide answered; "about the same as in England
and America."
After another long silence the Distinguished Naturalist said:
"The hay which we shall purchase for our horses this evening--I shall
expect to find the stalks about fifty feet long. Am I right?"
"Why, no," said the Guide; "a foot or two is about the usual length of
our hay. What can you be thinking of?"
The Distinguished Naturalist made no immediate reply, but later, as in
the shades of night they journeyed through the desolate vastness of the
Great Lone Land, he broke the silence:
"I was thinking," he said, "of the uncommon magnitude of that
grasshopper."
The Pavior
An Author saw a Labourer hammering stones into the pavement of a street,
and approaching him said:
"My friend, you seem weary. Ambition is a hard taskmaster."
"I'm working for Mr. Jones, sir," the Labourer replied.
"Well, cheer up," the Author resumed; "fame comes at the most unexpected
times. To-day you are poor, obscure, and disheartened, and to-morrow the
world may be ringing with your name."
"What are you giving me?" the Labourer said. "Cannot an honest pavior
perform his work in peace, and get his money for it, and his living by
it, without others talking rot about ambition and hopes of fame?"
"Cannot an honest writer?" said the Author.
The Tried Assassin
An Assassin being put upon trial in a New England court, his Counsel rose
and said: "Your Honour, I move for a discharge on the ground of 'once in
jeopardy': my client has been already tried for that murder and
acquitted."
"In what court?" asked the Judge.
"In the Superior Court of San Francisco," the Counsel replied.
"Let the trial proceed--your motion is denied," said the Judge. "An
Assassin is not in jeopardy when tried in California."
The Bumbo of Jiam
The Pahdour of Patagascar and the Gookul of Madagonia were disputing
about an island which both claimed. Finally, at the suggestion of the
International League of Cannon Founders, which had important branches in
both countries, they decided to refer their claims to the Bumbo of Jiam,
and abide by his judgment. In settling the preliminaries of the
arbitration they had, however, the misfortune to disagree, and appealed
to arms. At the end of a long and disastrous war, when both sides were
exhausted and bankrupt, the Bumbo of Jiam intervened in the interest of
peace.
"My great and good friends," he said to his brother sovereigns, "it will
be advantageous to you to learn that some questions are more complex and
perilous than others, presenting a greater number of points upon which it
is possible to differ. For four generations your royal predecessors
disputed about possession of that island, without falling out. Beware,
oh, beware the perils of international arbitration!--against which I feel
it my duty to protect you henceforth."
So saying, he annexed both countries, and after a long, peaceful, and
happy reign was poisoned by his Prime Minister.
The Two Poets
Two Poets were quarrelling for the Apple of Discord and the Bone of
Contention, for they were very hungry.
"My sons," said Apollo, "I will part the prizes between you. You," he
said to the First Poet, "excel in Art--take the Apple. And you," he said
to the Second Poet, "in Imagination--take the Bone."
"To Art the best prize!" said the First Poet, triumphantly, and
endeavouring to devour his award broke all his teeth. The Apple was a
work of Art.
"That shows our Master's contempt for mere Art," said the Second Poet,
grinning.
Thereupon he attempted to gnaw his Bone, but his teeth passed through it
without resistance. It was an imaginary Bone.
The Thistles upon the Grave
A Mind Reader made a wager that he would be buried alive and remain so
for six months, then be dug up alive. In order to secure the grave
against secret disturbance, it was sown with thistles. At the end of
three months, the Mind Reader lost his money. He had come up to eat the
thistles.
The Shadow of the Leader
A Political Leader was walking out one sunny day, when he observed his
Shadow leaving him and walking rapidly away.
"Come back here, you scoundrel," he cried.
"If I had been a scoundrel," answered the Shadow, increasing its speed,
"I should not have left you."
The Sagacious Rat
A Rat that was about to emerge from his hole caught a glimpse of a Cat
waiting for him, and descending to the colony at the bottom of the hole
invited a Friend to join him in a visit to a neighbouring corn-bin. "I
would have gone alone," he said, "but could not deny myself the pleasure
of such distinguished company."
"Very well," said the Friend, "I will go with you. Lead on."
"Lead?" exclaimed the other. "What! _I_ precede so great and
illustrious a rat as you? No, indeed--after you, sir, after you."
Pleased with this great show of deference, the Friend went ahead, and,
leaving the hole first, was caught by the Cat, who immediately trotted
away with him. The other then went out unmolested.
The Member and the Soap
A Member of the Kansas Legislature meeting a Cake of Soap was passing it
by without recognition, but the Cake of Soap insisted on stopping and
shaking hands. Thinking it might possibly be in the enjoyment of the
elective franchise, he gave it a cordial and earnest grasp. On letting
it go he observed that a portion of it adhered to his fingers, and
running to a brook in great alarm he proceeded to wash it off. In doing
so he necessarily got some on the other hand, and when he had finished
washing, both were so white that he went to bed and sent for a physician.
Alarm and Pride
"Good-Morning, my friend," said Alarm to Pride; "how are you this
morning?"
"Very tired," replied Pride, seating himself on a stone by the wayside
and mopping his steaming brow. "The politicians are wearing me out by
pointing to their dirty records with _me_, when they could as well use a
stick."
Alarm sighed sympathetically, and said:
"It is pretty much the same way here. Instead of using an opera-glass
they view the acts of their opponents with _me_!"
As these patient drudges were mingling their tears, they were notified
that they must go on duty again, for one of the political parties had
nominated a thief and was about to hold a gratification meeting.
A Causeway
A Rich Woman having returned from abroad disembarked at the foot of Knee-
deep Street, and was about to walk to her hotel through the mud.
"Madam," said a Policeman, "I cannot permit you to do that; you would
soil your shoes and stockings."
"Oh, that is of no importance, really," replied the Rich Woman, with a
cheerful smile.
"But, madam, it is needless; from the wharf to the hotel, as you observe,
extends an unbroken line of prostrate newspaper men who crave the honour
of having you walk upon them."
"In that case," she said, seating herself in a doorway and unlocking her
satchel, "I shall have to put on my rubber boots."
Two in Trouble
Meeting a fat and patriotic Statesman on his way to Washington to beseech
the President for an office, an idle Tramp accosted him and begged twenty-
five cents with which to buy a suit of clothes.