The Lecture
"Physiologists have been much puzzled to account for the varieties of
moral character in men, as well as for the remarkable similarity of
habit and disposition in all the individual animals of every other
respective species. A few brief sentences, perspicuously worded, and
scientifically arranged, will enumerate all the characteristics of a
lion, or a tiger, or a wolf, or a bear, or a squirrel, or a goat, or a
horse, or an ass, or a rat, or a cat, or a hog, or a dog; and whatever
is physiologically predicted of any individual lion, tiger, wolf,
bear, squirrel, goat, horse, ass, hog, or dog, will be found to hold
true of all lions, tigers, wolves, bears, squirrels, goats, horses,
asses, hogs, and dogs, whatsoever. Now, in man, the very reverse of
this appears to be the case; for he has so few distinct and
characteristic marks which hold true of all his species, that
philosophers in all ages have found it a task of infinite difficulty
to give him a definition. Hence one has defined him to be a
_featherless biped_, a definition which is equally applicable to an
unfledged fowl: another to be _an animal which forms opinions_, than
which nothing can be more inaccurate, for a very small number of the
species form opinions, and the remainder take them upon trust, without
investigation or inquiry.
"Again, man has been defined to be _an animal that carries a stick_:
an attribute which undoubtedly belongs to man only, but not to all men
always; though it uniformly characterises some of the graver and more
imposing varieties, such as physicians, oran-outangs, and lords in
waiting.
"We cannot define man to be a reasoning animal, for we do not dispute
that idiots are men; to say nothing of that very numerous description
of persons who consider themselves reasoning animals, and are so
denominated by the ironical courtesy of the world, who labour,
nevertheless, under a very gross delusion in that essential
particular.
"It appears to me that man may be correctly defined an animal, which,
without any peculiar or distinguishing faculty of its own, is, as it
were, a bundle or compound of faculties of other animals, by a
distinct enumeration of which any individual of the species may be
satisfactorily described. This is manifest, even in the ordinary
language of conversation, when, in summing up, for example, the
qualities of an accomplished courtier, we say he has the vanity of a
peacock, the cunning of a fox, the treachery of an hyaena, the
cold-heartedness of a cat, and the servility of a jackal. That this is
perfectly consentaneous to scientific truth, will appear in the
further progress of these observations.
"Every particular faculty of the mind has its corresponding organ in
the brain. In proportion as any particular faculty or propensity
acquires paramount activity in any individual, these organs develope
themselves, and their development becomes externally obvious by
corresponding lumps and bumps, exuberances and protuberances, on the
osseous compages of the occiput and sinciput. In all animals but man,
the same organ is equally developed in every individual of the
species: for instance, that of migration in the swallow, that of
destruction in the tiger, that of architecture in the beaver, and that
of parental affection in the bear. The human brain, however, consists,
as I have said, of a bundle or compound of all the faculties of all
other animals; and from the greater development of one or more of
these, in the infinite varieties of combination, result all the
peculiarities of individual character.
"Here is the skull of a beaver, and that of Sir Christopher Wren. You
observe, in both these specimens, the prodigious development of the
organ of constructiveness.
"Here is the skull of a bullfinch, and that of an eminent fiddler. You
may compare the organ of music.
"Here is the skull of a tiger. You observe the organ of carnage. Here
is the skull of a fox. You observe the organ of plunder. Here is the
skull of a peacock. You observe the organ of vanity. Here is the skull
of an illustrious robber, who, after a long and triumphant process of
depredation and murder, was suddenly checked in his career by means of
a certain quality inherent in preparations of hemp, which, for the
sake of perspicuity, I shall call _suspensiveness_. Here is the skull
of a conqueror, who, after over-running several kingdoms, burning a
number of cities, and causing the deaths of two or three millions of
men, women, and children, was entombed with all the pageantry of
public lamentation, and figured as the hero of several thousand odes
and a round dozen of epics; while the poor highwayman was twice
executed--
'At the gallows first, and after in a ballad,
Sung to a villainous tune.'
"You observe, in both these skulls, the combined development of the
organs of carnage, plunder, and vanity, which I have separately
pointed out in the tiger, the fox, and the peacock. The greater
enlargement of the organ of vanity in the hero is the only criterion
by which I can distinguish them from each other. Born with the same
faculties, and the same propensities, these two men were formed by
nature to run the same career: the different combinations of external
circumstances decided the differences of their destinies.
"Here is the skull of a Newfoundland dog. You observe the organ of
benevolence, and that of attachment. Here is a human skull, in which
you may observe a very striking negation of both these organs; and an
equally striking development of those of destruction, cunning,
avarice, and self-love. This was one of the most illustrious statesmen
that ever flourished in the page of history.
"Here is the skull of a turnspit, which, after a wretched life of
_dirty work_, was turned out of doors to die on a dunghill. I have
been induced to preserve it, in consequence of its remarkable
similarity to this, which belonged to a courtly poet, who having grown
grey in flattering the great, was cast off in the same manner to
perish by the same catastrophe."
_After these, and several other illustrations, during which the skulls
were handed round for the inspection of the company, Mr Cranium
proceeded thus:--_
"It is obvious, from what I have said, that no man can hope for
worldly honour or advancement, who is not placed in such a relation to
external circumstances as may be consentaneous to his peculiar
cerebral organs; and I would advise every parent, who has the welfare
of his son at heart, to procure as extensive a collection as possible
of the skulls of animals, and, before determining on the choice of a
profession, to compare with the utmost nicety their bumps and
protuberances with those of the skull of his son. If the development
of the organ of destruction point out a similarity between the youth
and the tiger, let him be brought to some profession (whether that of
a butcher, a soldier, or a physician, may be regulated by
circumstances) in which he may be furnished with a licence to kill:
as, without such licence, the indulgence of his natural propensity may
lead to the untimely rescission of his vital thread, 'with edge of
penny cord and vile reproach.' If he show an analogy with the jackal,
let all possible influence be used to procure him a place at court,
where he will infallibly thrive. If his skull bear a marked
resemblance to that of a magpie, it cannot be doubted that he will
prove an admirable lawyer; and if with this advantageous conformation
be combined any similitude to that of an owl, very confident hopes may
be formed of his becoming a judge."
A furious flourish of music was now heard from the ball-room, the
squire having secretly dispatched the little butler to order it to
strike up, by way of a hint to Mr Cranium to finish his harangue. The
company took the hint and adjourned tumultuously, having just
understood as much of the lecture as furnished them with amusement for
the ensuing twelvemonth, in feeling the skulls of all their
acquaintance.