The Anniversary
Among the _dies alba creta notandos_, which the beau monde of the
Cambrian mountains was in the habit of remembering with the greatest
pleasure, and anticipating with the most lively satisfaction, was the
Christmas ball which the ancient family of the Headlongs had been
accustomed to give from time immemorial. Tradition attributed the
honour of its foundation to Headlong Ap-Headlong Ap-Breakneck
Ap-Headlong Ap-Cataract Ap-Pistyll Ap-Rhaidr[11.1] Ap-Headlong, who
lived about the time of the Trojan war. Certain it is, at least, that
a grand chorus was always sung after supper in honour of this
illustrious ancestor of the squire. This ball was, indeed, an aera in
the lives of all the beauty and fashion of Caernarvon, Meirionnydd,
and Anglesea, and, like the Greek Olympiads and the Roman consulates,
served as the main pillar of memory, round which all the events of the
year were suspended and entwined. Thus, in recalling to mind any
circumstance imperfectly recollected, the principal point to be
ascertained was, whether it had occurred in the year of the first,
second, third, or fourth ball of Headlong Ap-Breakneck, or Headlong
Ap-Torrent, or Headlong Ap-Hurricane; and, this being satisfactorily
established, the remainder followed of course in the natural order of
its ancient association.
This eventful anniversary being arrived, every chariot, coach,
barouche and barouchette, landau and landaulet, chaise, curricle,
buggy, whiskey, and tilbury, of the three counties, was in motion: not
a horse was left idle within five miles of any gentleman's seat, from
the high-mettled hunter to the heath-cropping galloway. The ferrymen
of the Menai were at their stations before daybreak, taking a double
allowance of rum and _cwrw_ to strengthen them for the fatigues of the
day. The ivied towers of Caernarvon, the romantic woods of
Tan-y-bwlch, the heathy hills of Kernioggau, the sandy shores of
Tremadoc, the mountain recesses of Bedd-Gelert, and the lonely lakes
of Capel-Cerig, re-echoed to the voices of the delighted ostlers and
postillions, who reaped on this happy day their wintry harvest.
Landlords and landladies, waiters, chambermaids, and toll-gate
keepers, roused themselves from the torpidity which the last solitary
tourist, flying with the yellow leaves on the wings of the autumnal
wind, had left them to enjoy till the returning spring: the bustle of
August was renewed on all the mountain roads, and, in the meanwhile,
Squire Headlong and his little fat butler carried most energetically
into effect the lessons of the _savant_ in the Court of
Quintessence, _qui par engin mirificque jectoit les maisons par les
fenestres_[11.2].
It was the custom for the guests to assemble at dinner on the day of
the ball, and depart on the following morning after breakfast. Sleep
during this interval was out of the question: the ancient harp of
Cambria suspended the celebration of the noble race of Shenkin, and
the songs of Hoel and Cyveilioc, to ring to the profaner but more
lively modulation of _Voulez vous danser, Mademoiselle?_ in
conjunction with the symphonious scraping of fiddles, the tinkling of
triangles, and the beating of tambourines. Comus and Momus were the
deities of the night; and Bacchus of course was not forgotten by the
male part of the assembly (with them, indeed, a ball was invariably a
scene of "_tipsy dance and jollity_"): the servants flew about with
wine and negus, and the little butler was indefatigable with his
corkscrew, which is reported on one occasion to have grown so hot
under the influence of perpetual friction that it actually set fire to
the cork.
The company assembled. The dinner, which on this occasion was a
secondary object, was despatched with uncommon celerity. When the
cloth was removed, and the bottle had taken its first round, Mr
Cranium stood up and addressed the company.
"Ladies and gentlemen," said he, "the golden key of mental
phaenomena, which has lain buried for ages in the deepest vein of the
mine of physiological research, is now, by a happy combination of
practical and speculative investigations, grasped, if I may so
express myself, firmly and inexcusably, in the hands of
physiognomical empiricism." The Cambrian visitors listened with
profound attention, not comprehending a single syllable he said, but
concluding he would finish his speech by proposing the health of
Squire Headlong. The gentlemen accordingly tossed off their heeltaps,
and Mr Cranium proceeded: "Ardently desirous, to the extent of my
feeble capacity, of disseminating as much as possible, the
inexhaustible treasures to which this golden key admits the humblest
votary of philosophical truth, I invite you, when you have
sufficiently restored, replenished, refreshed, and exhilarated that
osteosarchaematosplanchnochondroneuromuelous, or to employ a more
intelligible term, osseocarnisanguineoviscericartilaginonervomedullary,
_compages_, or shell, the body, which at once envelopes and developes
that mysterious and inestimable kernel, the desiderative,
determinative, ratiocinative, imaginative, inquisitive, appetitive,
comparative, reminiscent, congeries of ideas and notions, simple and
compound, comprised in the comprehensive denomination of mind,
to take a peep with me into the mechanical arcana of the
anatomico-metaphysical universe. Being not in the least dubitative of
your spontaneous compliance, I proceed," added he, suddenly changing
his tone, "to get everything ready in the library." Saying these
words, he vanished.
The Welsh squires now imagined they had caught a glimpse of his
meaning, and set him down in their minds for a sort of gentleman
conjuror, who intended to amuse them before the ball with some tricks
of legerdemain. Under this impression, they became very impatient to
follow him, as they had made up their minds not to be drunk before
supper. The ladies, too, were extremely curious to witness an
exhibition which had been announced in so singular a preamble; and the
squire, having previously insisted on every gentleman tossing off a
half-pint bumper, adjourned the whole party to the library, where they
were not a little surprised to discover Mr Cranium seated, in a
pensive attitude, at a large table, decorated with a copious variety
of skulls.
Some of the ladies were so much shocked at this extraordinary display,
that a scene of great confusion ensued. Fans were very actively
exercised, and water was strenuously called for by some of the most
officious of the gentlemen; on which the little butler entered with a
large allowance of liquid, which bore, indeed, the name of _water_,
but was in reality a very powerful spirit. This was the only species
of water which the little butler had ever heard called for in Headlong
Hall. The mistake was not attended with any evil effects: for the
fluid was no sooner applied to the lips of the fainting fair ones,
than it resuscitated them with an expedition truly miraculous.
Order was at length restored; the audience took their seats, and the
craniological orator held forth in the following terms: