_Here he relates (modestly) what satisfaction he received
from his new Female-acquaintance, and what occasioned
the two last income Amazons to attempt the hazardous
enterprizes of the High Pad: with their Character and
course of Life._
Though Melancholy Night had drawn her sable curtains about her
Hemisphere, yet the coverled of our Opticks was not yet laid down to
admit our active senses to their usual rest and repose: obscured
darkness had every where proclaimed silence about us on penalty of
distracted incomposedness; yet we feared not the breach of those binding
Laws, by breaking our minds to each other interchangeably. My conquered
foe (now my new friend) first began to relate to her old associates the
rise of our late rencounter, and the success, which she exprest with so
much life and ingenuity, that they knew not which to value most, her
wit, or my courage; but when she came to relate the manner of the
discovery of her sex, so petulant and facetious was her discourse, that
it occasioned a great deal of laughter and mirth among us. Having
throughly discourst varieties, for further diversion one of these late
Incommers undertook to give us a summary of her Comerades (or Sisters)
being therewith intermixt; now I must give her leave to tell her own
Tale.
Sir, (for to you I apply my discourse particularly, being wholly
ignorant of what these two inseparable Companions of mine well
understand) I shall not trouble your ear with any thing but what is
absolutely necessary: laying aside therefore Superfluous Preambles, let
me tell you I was the eldest Daughter of a Vinter in _London_, a man
lookt on so wealthy, that he was called upon for Alderman, having no
more Children then a Son, my Self, and this my dear Sister, my
Metamorphosed follower. My Brother I think was begot out of degenerate
Wine, and that made him so degenerate from Virtue and a good Spirit: a
hot fiery fellow, always on the fret, till his Cask or Carcass was
pierced; and so I leave him as I found him, an empty Hogshead.
This obstacle being removed (the _Remora_ to our fair promising Fortune)
none were more extold and courted for Wealth and Beauty (rarely seen
together) then my Sister and self; men of all sizes, both of Wit, Estate
and Stature, daily frequented my Fathers House, pretending they came for
the goodness of Wine there vended, till they had got an interest in our
acquaintance, and then they unmaskt their meaning. Several overtures
were made to our Parents, who like good domestick Polititians, seemed to
like, to incourage them to continue coming for their expence sake:
frequently they bespake Dinners, vying who should exceed in prodigality,
thinking thereby to gain esteem, while the old Fox did but laugh at them
in private for their pains. My Mother had her trade at her fingers ends;
for when she would oblige any of them to any treaty, it was but calling
him Son, or Sirrah you are a wag, my _Benjamin_ must have the largest
Portion, _&c._ By this means she chained them to the house, and to
engage them the more, permitted us to bear them company; but fearing
lest we might glut our Idolators by too long staying (for we sooner
surfeit on delicates than courser fare) our Mother would call us,
pretending present business, and would then supply the place her self;
then would they charge afresh, till they had blinded one another. I must
needs say, my Mothers company was deservingly desirable: for though she
had past her ages Æquinox, yet her beauty appeared but a very little
declining. In her youthful dayes she was the wonder of her Sex, and was
so generally talkt of among Beauty-hunters, that our Tavern was never
empty, and happy was he that could procure the drinking of a glass with
her at the Bar, but transported, if they could obtain the favour to have
her company in a room: which for profit she sometimes permitted, and
something else, which my Father winked at gladly, because he could not
find the like expedient to enrich himself. She was comely, tall, and of
a beautious blushing brown; her hair proper to her complexion, neatly
put into curls and folds by Nature: Her face was made up of excellent
parts; as a quick eye and full; her circled brows graceful and big; her
nose not over Roman, with a full mouth; the largeness of the lips
commendable, because plump and red; her dimpled chin (which Nature had
drawn, with a wanton touch of her Pensil) did singularly set out her
looks most comely. Her neck was round, rising, full and fat: her Bodie
well fed, not fat; an Italian Don’s delight. When any Gentlemen came in,
me thinks I now see how she leared out of her inticing Italianated eyes,
able to confound a Saint. In short, her hair was enough to enchant you
into those mazes, but that her looks were so neer, which hooked yours
into her eyebals, full, black and rowling; and when she had you, she
held you there. Neither was she a niggard of those gifts were so
liberally bestowed on her, but communicated a taste thereof to divers;
for as she was naturally prone to whorishness, so she gave her
inclinations the reins, and at last became so impudent, that she did
frequently that in our sights, which though we understood not, being too
young, yet forceably drew a blush into our tender cheeks. Being in her
prime, she gave her self so much libertie, that she was a shame to her
Sex; there was not any vice that was attended either by pleasure or
profit, but she would be sharer therein. And now being gulled with
shadows and impostures, she drew up the Portcullis of her heart, and
laid the gates thereof wide open to her own ruine. Who would imagine,
that a pleasing countenance could harbour villany, or that a smile could
set upon the face of mischief? But therein she shewed her self a
Curtezan of the right stamp, that for her own advantage can entertain
mans appetite with wanton dalliance, but will never make assurance of
settled love. When men think themselves most interested in her, then was
it frequently that they were farthest from her. I am somewhat the longer
in my Mothers Character, that I might the fuller demonstrate what was
the original that I so exactly copied in the actions of my own life. Did
Parents consider how prevalent their wicked examples are with their
Issue, they would be less curious to cleanse their houses of dirt and
dust against the comming of their friends, and more careful not to see
them hung with vices in the presence of their Children. You see I know
the difference between good and evil, because I talk so well, though I
act so ill. But to proceed. How is it possible the Daughter should be
chaste, that cannot reckon up the adulteries of her Mother, though she
be nere so well in breath, without a dozen stops or intermissions at the
least? Such as are conscious to these faults in others, cannot but be
capable of them in themselves. The hearing of them told, begets a
willingness to try them: the seeing of them done, a wilfulness to do
them. She presumed I believe upon our indiscretions as Children,
perswading her self we had not wit enough to discern it. But alas! she
erred in her Cyphers, and was much mistaken in her accounts: for we
coming to years, did not stick to that in her sight, which she before
would not forbear in ours. And with what face could she reprove us?
_The crooked wretch must not upbraid the lame,
Nor must the Moor the tawny Indian blame._
Her house did daily swarm with such as pretended more then common
kindness to me. Several my Parents approved of as wealthy, and
propounded them to me, whom I only disliked for want of comeliness. One
I confess I could have fancied highly for his wit, had not his formation
been so extravagant and preposterous. O the innumerable quantity of
Poetick brats which _Pallas_-like sprang out of his head, and so pestred
my Chamber, that I could hardly sleep for the trampling of their feet:
some whereof appear’d so fair unto me from a Father so foul, that I have
carried them in my bosome to converse with them among the solitary
shades. I protest civility could scarce keep me from laughing outright
every time I saw him, his whole composure appear’d to me so ridiculous.
For first, his head seem’d to sink down into his brest, his eyes flaring
affrighted at the danger, whilst his mouth continually gaped, as if it
intended to cry out for help: his back and brest bunched out, as if a
wallet stuffed at both ends had hung over his shoulder behind and
before. Though extravagant enough, you could not say he shewed much
waste. Had you seen him on a rainy day, by the length of his leggs (yet
of dwarfish stature) you would have thought him mounted on stilts, and
wading through the dirt with a boy at his back. Now let me skip over his
person, and only tell you how I served him, and then I have done with
him. That day I saw him not, I had his representation sent me, which was
good diversion, but his presence was insufferable: to the intent
therefore that I might be rid of him, I sent him these lines.
SIR,
_You are the Son of _Esop_, for I find
Legitimation by your shape and mind;
Deform’d ye are alike, thence’t is thought fit
That such defects should be supply’d by wit.
Your aspect’s monstrous foul, yet don’t complain,
Your issues fair, the product of your brain.
But stay, I must recal my self for know
My praises are like to your self, too low:
Troth when I view you well, my fancy must
Imagine you much like a Capon trust,
Or like Sir _Hudibras_, nick-nam’d _All-feather_,
Or like one ty’d both neck and heels together:
Nor do not think Pygmean Sir that I
Will fall in love with meer deformity;
Then court some Succubus, a fiend will be
A fitter match: so think no more on me._
These lines so nettled him, that having belcht out some execrations
against me and our sex, I never heard more of him. To be short, there
was none could get any interest in me, but our Head-drawer, a neat
flaxen-hair’d dapper fellow; so passionately we loved one the other,
that we could not forbear holding some private correspondence at nights.
My Father at length suspecting us, turned away his man, whose absence I
could not brook, and therefore resolved to follow after, which I did,
taking with me what ready money my Father had in his custody; and
finding out my dear Comerade, this was the result of our consultation,
that I should cloath my self like a man, and so travel together. It will
be too tedious to relate how and whither we went; but let it suffice to
tell you, that after we had run through _France_ and _Italy_, and
wearied our selves in forreign parts, we concluded to return for
_England_. We landed at _Dover_, having made an end of our voyage and
money together, saving so much as would purchase Horse & Armes; for
Padding was the way we agreed on to recruit our decayed stock. Many were
the Robberies we committed, taking such a course that the Devil could
hardly detect us: for sometimes when we had robbed, and fearing lest we
should be taken by the Hue and Cry, it was but turning my horse loose,
and then would I put on womans apparel (which I always carried in my
Portmantle in such expeditions) and getting up behind my dear friend, I
past unsuspected as his wife. This stratagem frequently proved a
safeguard to us both. By this means we several times robbed houses,
under the pretence of my friends taking lodgings for himself and Wife.
To tell you in what manner and how often we played our pranks under a
double disguise, would take up more time then is convenient. Wherefore I
shall now wind up my story; My Comerade in an unhappy enterprize
received a shot in his shoulder, which proved Mortal, for not long after
he died. Being then destitute of my dear companion, I had several
thoughts of returning home; but that I liked my trade so well, I could
not be induced to leave it. However, I went to my Fathers house
frequently with roaring Blades; but they knew me not, though sometimes
they would stare upon me, as if their eyes would have started out of
their heads for joy to see their old acquaintance. At last I took a
convenient opportunity under the veil of courtship to discover my self
to my Sister (here present) who understanding my course of life, and
knowing well her own constitution, for my sake resolved to hazard all,
and run one risque with me. Having instructed her how she should rob her
Father, as I had done before her, we met at a place appointed, and so
took our journey hitherward. Now if our conversation may be any wayes
pleasing, and our service advantagious, we are both your devoted
servants. She uttered these words with such a grace, that I could not
forbear imbracing her. After we had plighted faiths, and mutually
caressed each other, we betook our selves to rest, which you may imagine
was little enough.