_He is driven to extreme necessity; he describes what it is
to be indigent, by what he suffered in that condition._
This ten pound I received from my old leacherous Dotard, made its _Exit_
almost assoon as its entrance into my Pocket: by that sum I thought to
have purchased Mountains in _Ireland_ (and indeed there is too great
plenty of them there,) by gaming; but experience told me afterwards that
my design was hazardous, and so it proved, for I met with a person that
_bubbled_ me at Hazard, not leaving me a penny, and ingaged besides for
my proportion of the Reckoning. My Gamester dealt too hardly with me;
yet it was but just, for I intended to show him as little favour, if
compell’d to lye at my mercy, which I verily thought would be, having
various Utensils about me to that purpose, but I was overmacht.
_I thought my self secure, for I could top,
By which I’ve forc’d some Cits to leave their shop.
I palm’d, and put the change upon them too;
I only studyed how I might undo.
But now I’m met with, ’tis but just I see,
That he which others cheats, should cheated be._
I returned to my Lodging, (which was none of the best) with what anxiety
and perturbation of mind, I shall give any looser leave to imagine,
whilst the remembrance thereof enforceth me to speak; and I hope the
Reader will give me that liberty, since the Proverb intaileth on the
looser that priviledge. I acquainted my Landlord with my misfortune, who
seem’d very much to condole me for the present, but it was afterwards
the occasion of his not crediting me. From hence, I will advise all to
speak as little as they can of ills that betide them; but we cannot
discourse too much of the good that happens to us. Perceiving my
Landlord grew cold, my spirit was too high to be any longer beholding to
him but for my Lodging; wherefore I seldom came home till night. Neither
would I make known my condition to any that knew me. Sometimes I should
meet with some in the street, who would ask me to drink with them; my
usual answer was, I came from it but even now: insisting farther, that
such a Gentleman, with two or three more besides my self, had drank so
much, and that I admired at my self for being so sober; whereas to deal
ingenuously, I had not drank one drop that day. Another seeing me, would
ask me whether I would dine with him at the Ordinary? then would I
pretend that my Lord —— Gentleman over-persuaded me to dine with him,
and that we had such variety, that I doubted my stomack had received
some detriment thereby; and therefore beg’d an excuse; whereas a dry
crust taken out of my _Leather Cupboard_, was all the varieties the
_Gentleman-Vsher_ of my stomack, my throat I mean, had taken cognizance
of that day. So hard it was too, that I would look this way, and that
way, not daring to commit it to the engine of my Chops, unless there was
none near me within a furlong; for had there been any near me, they
would have sworn I was eating Walnuts shells and all. Now did I learn to
drink Water, which necessity made me to commend as the most soveraign
liquor, and most suitable to the body of man; otherwise _Adam_ in
Paradise would not have been without a cup of Ale.
Every morning I offer’d up my Devotions either to St. _Patrick_, or St.
_James_, each of which have two excellent Wells dedicated to the honour
of their Saintships. Thither did I repair constantly twice or thrice a
day: after I had offered up the fumes of smoke (most commonly of none of
the best Tobacco) I kneeled, not using the common way of drinking out of
the chained iron dish, but with greater adoration suckt it as it came
through the conveyance. After a walk to _Kilmanum_ (about a mile from
_Dublin_) or some other place to prepare my stomack, I return’d to
_Christ-Church_, frequently dining there with Sir _Richard Strang-bow_.
Reflecting on his Cheer, and the Liquor of those two Saints, I cannot
but tell you my thoughts of both.
_Sir _Richard Strang-bow_ keeps an house where Wine
And Bread some sup on, but few seldom dine.
Ask yet an hungry Rambler, and he’ll say,
(Though not one bit came near his mouth that day)
He plentifully din’d with him, so let him still
Till he hath found his empty belly fill,
Where I ne’re could, which made me hate in fine
Sir _Richard Strang-bows_ Feasts, St. _Patrick’s_ Wine._
I fasted so long, I had now almost forgot how to eat: for if casually I
came where meat was, I often made a proffer to convey something to my
mouth, but my lips understood not my meaning; for having been so long
unaccustomed to their duty, knew not how to perform their _gaping_
office. It was impossible at this time for the greatest fright to have
made me foul my breeches, because I seldom used any thing that might
cause excrements. And therefore I wondred to hear any enquire for an
house of Office, since I had now left off going to stool. Once in five
days I thought I stood in need of evacuating; but I was mistaken, for by
discharging a blast of wind (whose fury scattered small stones
underneath me) I found it only a fit of the Cholick. I shall deal
plainly, shoud I have found a propensity, I would have been very
unwilling to let any thing go out, since so little past into my belly.
Some _Moveables_ I had left, which I was forced to dispose of, to keep
the passage of my guts open, which would frequently grumble against my
stomach for detaining too long what was received, challenging a
propriety therein. I thought it good policy not to buy any Belly-timber
of a quick concoction, because it should stay the longer within me. To
this purpose I lookt on old Cheese to be food convenient; knowing that
though it will disgest any thing else, yet it cannot disgest it self;
and as it closeth up the mouth of the stomack, so by its respective
quality it locks up fast the Poststern of the Micro-cosm. Flesh again
(if I got any) I would swallow by whole-sale, fearing lest by chewing
it, my stomach would too suddenly give it a passport to my
_Hypo-gastrium_; by which means it would be immediately ready again, nay
restless in the craving more. I seldom slept for the gnawing of my
stomack, and the anguish of my guts, and for want of those fumes which
proceeding from Meat ascended into the head, and so the causers of
sleep. If I chanced to nod at any time, I dreamed of nothing but eating,
my fancy feeding that while as voraciously as an hunger-starved hound on
a shoulder of Mutton. I was driven to that pass, I could not justly tell
whether I was alive or not. Sometimes I was of the opinion that I dyed
in our Ship-wrack on the Isle of _Man_, and that I was now a Soul in
Purgatory.
Immediately after my arrival in this place, the Itch and _Bunniah_, or
Flux, (the two grand Epidemical distempers of _Ireland_) gave me their
wellcome into their Country, attended by a great number of six-footed
Gent. clad in a gray livery, with one single list down the back; who all
promised to stick to me & be my bosome-friends, neither would they
forsake me as long as life lasted. But they like the rest of the best
and fairest promising friends left me, when fortune committed me
prisoner to the merciless cruel hands of that accursed Gaoler, Poverty.
I was grown so lean, that the Mungril _Scotch_ & _Irish_ Gentleman the
Itch, finding not flesh enough to feed on, gave me the _French_
Complement, _Adieu pouvre Gentilhome_. The Flux staid with me as long as
any thing was left in my belly, but finding no substance from my Guts,
took his leave also, unkindly carrying away all that was within me.
Their retinue perceiving they were like to feed on hard meat, there
being little left but bones, whose teeth were incapable of fastning
thereon, resolv’d to follow after; some making more than ordinary haste,
broke their necks off the Cape of my Cloak, missing their footing, the
threads thereof being spun out as time as fine as those of _Arachnes_
working.
To conclude, I was a mere walking _Skeleton_, my skin only serv’d as a
mantle for my bones. But for wind, my belly would have contradicted an
approved Philosophical Axiome, proving a _Vacuum_.
One time passing by the Castle-gate, a Souldier fir’d his Musquet, and I
protest methought my belly sounded like a Drum at the report. Should I
relate every particular wherein the malevolencie of Fortune afflicted
me, I should much tire the Reader, as well as perplex my self with
remembrance; wherefore I shall desist, and give you leave to imagine the
deplorableness of his condition, who hath neither Monies, Friends, nor
Credit, and in a place where he is neither acquainted with the people
nor their Language.