_His Arrival into _Ireland_: he changeth his Name: what
trick he serv’d his first Landlady; all his Money being
spent, and those Goods and Coyn likewise Shipwrackt
which he expected to follow him._
We landed at a place called _Ringsend_ about a mile from _Dublin_. I was
askt whether I would have a Coach. Where are there any, said I? (for I
lookt about me, and could see nothing like a Coach) the fellow lookt
upon me to be a very ignorant person, because I understood not what he
meant, and angerly spake thus: _By my Gossips hand, thou canst not see
very much well, arre look here is one by thine own side_. It was a great
while before I could tell what language he spoke, he did so tone his
words; neither could I understand him, till one standing by interpreted
him. As for his _Ringsend_-Coach, as he call’d it, it was Wheel-barrow
fashion, only it had two Wheels not much bigger then a large _Cheshire_
Cheese: the Horse that drew this Princely-pygmy-Chariot, I at first
mistook for an over-grown Masty; but viewing him narrowly, found him the
extract (by his shape) of a _Scotch-Hobby_; well, up I mounted, but
could not invent a name for the manner of my riding, for I was neither
coacht nor carted, but I fancyed my self (and that justly) as I was
riding, to be some notorious Malefactor drawn on a Sledge to the place
of execution, which afterwards experimentally I found _Dublin_ to be:
many of its Inhabitants call this City _Divlin, quasi Divels Inn_, &
very properly it is by them so termed; for there is hardly a City in the
world that entertains such variety of Devils Imps as that doth. If any
knavishly break, murder, rob, or are desirous of Polygamy, they
straightway repair thither, making that place, or the Kingdom in
general, their Azylum, or Sanctuary. My first care was to plant my self
conveniently; the next day I sent for a Barber to shave all my hair off,
ordering him to bring me a Periwigg of an absolute contrary colour to my
own hair, to the intent that if I should meet with any of my former
acquaintance, they might not know me, whereby I should prevent their
sending notice to any where I was. The truth of it is, in this disguize
I hardly knew my self. The greatest difficulty I found, was to make my
self familiar with my fictitious name. At first when my Landlady called
me by that name, I either star’d her in the face, or lookt behind me,
(not answering thereunto) thinking she had spoke to some man else: but
had I not pretended to be thick of hearing, and so that way apologizing
for my silence, my design might have been marr’d. I daily met with
several I knew, but would not take the least cognizance of them.
In this manner I spent a moneth, but all this while no tidings of my
Goods and money; that which I had brought with me was all consumed. My
Landlady (as it is customary there, having as little trust or faith as
they have Religion) called upon me for what I owed her. For a little
while, I stopt her mouth, by telling her I had a considerable quantity
of Goods and Money too coming, which I expected by every fair wind. A
little while after I heard the Ship in which they were was cast away.
Now did I absolutely conclude Gods just judgement attended my fraud and
knavery. My loss I did not in the least discover to any, knowing I
should reap at first only some pitty, and afterwards be undervalued and
disrespected. My Hostess again was very importunate with me to have her
Reckoning: I endeavoured to put her off, saying, I expected daily Bills
of Exchange; but she would not believe me; for I perceived that she had
been often cheated with such delusions.
Now did I not know what to do: I thought good to try another way; she
being a Widdow, I fancyed I could work upon her Female frailty: I used
all means possible to get her alone; which I did but seldom, and then
did I make use of all my Rhetorick to perswade her into a belief how
dearly I loved her: she replyed little, but would laugh at me till she
held her sides again. I verily believe she understood my drift, which I
might argue from her expressions. Sometimes she would say, Come, come,
away with these love-fooleries, and pay me what you owe. Then would I
tell her, all I enjoyed, & my self too, were properly hers, and that she
might take them when she pleased into her possession. No, no, she would
say, my youthfull days are past, and it is time for me to look
Heavenwards; wherefore let fall your suit, _&c._
Since words would no ways prevail, I resolved to try something else,
knowing how difficult it is for a Woman when in bed to refuse a Venereal
proffer. To that purpose one night I came softly into her Chamber, and
groping with my hand for her face, I caught a man by the Beard: at which
he awaked, and thinking the Devil was come to trim him, or rob him of
his Wash-balls, would have cryed out aloud, but that fear had so lockt
up his voice, that his highest note was little louder then whispering; I
could but just hear him say, _In the name of —— what art?_ I am, said I,
(and then she wak’d too) no Ghost, but a living witness of your
leachery; to that intent I came hither, to be fully satisfied of what I
have a long time suspected. As for you Madam, _your youthful days are
past_, but your lust will endure for ever. If this be your way to
Heaven, why were you so uncharitable as not to let me go along with you?
As for your part, Sir, I believe that you are traveling that way too;
for if I mistake not, you lately came out of Purgatory.
To be short, they both intreated me to be silent, and retire to my own
lodging, & that in the morning they would treat with me to my full
satisfaction. This was what I aimed at, though brought about otherwise
then intended. Early they both came to me: the pious Gentlewoman being
very tender of her credit, would forgive me my Debt, if I would not
blemish her reputation by my report; her Gallant gave me ten pieces to
bind the bargain: having gotten a discharge under her hand, I sealed our
contract with an Oath and faithful promise never to divulge their shame.
The Gentleman (though his estate much exceeded hers) out of spight, I
think, or vexation to be so caught, _incontinently_ married her, though
all former sollicitations (which I understood were many) proved
ineffectual.