_He falling accidentally into a strange house, endeavours to
build a Sconce, but is frustrated of his intent. The old
Hostess pities him at first, and relieves him, and
continually after feeds him for her own peculiar Diet;
further insisting on the misery he then endured._
I was by this time grown so feeble by fasting, or by the manner of my
feeding, which was either Cheese or hard Eggs, (there being great
plenty) that I could hardly go; and so light I was by continual smoking,
that I questioned often whether I was not a meer fume my self; fearing
still when I walkt abroad, to be extracted by the Sun for an exhalation.
Fortune so favour’d me one day, that I found a Groat, which put me into
a extasie of joy. I know not what Magical power there was in that vast
sum of _four pence_, for in an instant, not knowing by what means, I
found my self in a Victualling-house, so speedy was my conveyance, as if
I had been riding some _Dæmon_ through the air. I call’d for some meat,
but my voice sounded so hollow, as if I had spoken in a vault. Some
said, it was the _Eccho_ of some person speaking in the next house:
others of the wiser sort believed me to be some _Spectrum_, or
Apparition; and that the Devil had assum’d a body speaking in that
_mortuum cadaver_. The truth of it is, ’twas something hard to
determine, whether I spake or no, but that they might perceive my lips
to open. There was a Physician in the house at that time, who looking on
me narrowly, openly proclaim’d that I was the workmanship of some
Mortal, who having first gotten the Skeleton, or bones of a Man, had
artificially skin’d them over, and that German Clock-work caus’d my
motion. I would have laught heartily at their ridiculous apprehensions,
but that I had forgot how. I had some Gall left in me still, which made
me start up in as great a rage as my feeble body was able to declare,
intending to demonstrate to them how grosly they were mistaken, but
perceiving me to approach, they all fled but Mr. Doctor, whom shame
retain’d, otherwise by a fit of an Ague (which just then possest him) I
knew he would willingly have been gone too. _Speak_ (said he
tremblingly) _what art?_ I was somewhat puzled at his question, for I
knew not well what I was: I am a living man, said I. _Why then thou
wouldst have flesh_, said he. After several discourses to this purpose,
I at length made him partly believe that I was no such thing he
imagined, and yet he would be asking me still a many impertinent
questions, as whether I could see; and his reason was, because he could
discern no eyes. Whether I was born without eyes, or lost them since
accidentally, _&c._ I was forced to tell him at last that it was the
Country disease that had reduced me to this condition. Hearing me say
so, he pitied me much, and told me he would fetch instantly something
that should do me much good. I thankt him, and away went Mr. Doctor. The
good Woman over-hearing our discourse drew neer then confidently, and
demanded what I would have? I told her, any thing which was eatable, as
far as a groat would go. She brought me some hot Meat, and setting it
before me, went for some drink, but before she could return I had
swallowed it all: she fetcht me more, which went the same way with as
much celerity. But like Quick-silver it wrought quite through me, not
staying a quarter of an hour.
The manner whereof was thus: About to pay my Reckoning, my Groat got
into a piece of paper; I fumbled a great while in my pocket, but found
it not, which put me even to my wits ends. At last drawing out some
papers, and shaking them my Groat dropt; perceiving its fall might be
dangerous, there being many holes in the Floor, I catcht after it;
notwithstanding it fell upon the very brink of an hole; what with hast
to recover it, and the fright the danger put me into, I discharged my
self of every bit I had eaten. There was no body could say, I had fouled
my Breeches, or that I stunk; which I made appear to my Landlady by
showing her what I had evacuated, but little differing from what I had
eaten a quarter of an hour before. The good old woman perswaded me
strongly to eat it again; for, said she, it cannot be much the worse for
just passing through you, and I will fry it if you please. I thought I
should now have dyed with laughter at her strange proposition; but the
woman star’d upon me, not knowing whether I grin’d or laught. Well,
well, said she at last, if you will not eat such good victuals, some
body else shall. I offer’d her my Groat, which she refus’d, telling me
there was as much more to pay; I told her that was all the moneys I had
about me, and that I would pay her the rest the next day.
_But she for her part thought it was unjust,
To listen to the arguments of trust._
And therefore told me plainly she would have her Reckoning. I bid her
stay a while: then as soon as she had turned her back I attempted to
march off, but my strength failing me, I wanted swiftness, and so was
brought back. I made her acquainted with my condition how miserable it
was; I needed not many arguments to persuade any into that belief, for
my person was the true Embleme of misery. She gave a serious attention
to what I exprest, and at last melted into tears, commiserating my
misfortunes; she caus’d instantly a bed to be warm’d, where being laid,
she ordered a Cawdle to be made, & in fine shew’d a world of kindness to
me, not imagining what she aimed at. She would not let me stir out of my
Bed but whilst it was making, for above a week; at the conclusion of
which I began to recover a little colour in my cheeks, & grew
indifferent strong; she gave me moneys in my Pocket, & told me I must
walk into the fields with her. I blest my self, and that Angel that
directed my feet to the finding that lost groat which was the occasion
of my restitution to a condition of living again. By this time I
imagined what my old Gentlewoman expected: wherefore, in the first place
I acknowledged how much I was obliged to her matchless civilities, and
that it was impossible for me to return her answerable satisfaction.
Rowling her pretty Piggs-eyes to and fro in her head, I require (said
she) nothing but your Love. If it must needs be so (thought I) there is
no way better then to let fancy form her beautiful, and so by the force
of imagination I shall injoy as much pleasure as if lying with _Venus_,
though in Conjunction with this _Succubus_. We us’d not many ceremonies,
(like puling-whining Lovers that are always saying Grace, but never fall
to) but taking the convenience of a Ditch underneath a bushy-topt hedge
we conferred notes. Had any seen us in this posture, they would have
concluded old Winter metamorphosed into an old Woman lying in a Dike,
and that _Flora_ was converted into a young man, and both in an
unnatural Conjunction. Or that youthful _Phœbus_ had contracted his rays
to court a lump of Ice, but with shame was forced to desist, finding his
powerful endeavours ineffectual in the production of a thaw. Whenever I
wanted a small sum, a kiss or two, or the saying I loved her, extracted
so much as supplied my present occasions; if I wanted a sum
considerable, why then a quarter of an hours discourse in private
effected my desires. Most that knew me wondred what politick stratagems
I us’d that I so suddenly wound my self out of that Labyrinth of all
sorts of miseries, & that I appeared both in feature and garb so
excentrick to my former condition. I had as many pretences to blind the
world as there were various suspitions of pragmatick persons. In short,
I was now very well apparell’d, well furnisht with moneys, I kept my
Horse, nay my Whore too; this I made use of for what she was, the other
for what she had. So seemingly happy was the present state of my life,
that I deem’d it impossibly unalterable by any decree of fate.