_How he was married, and what kind of thing his Wife._
I made strict enquiry after the condition of my intended Wifes Parents,
and found by report they were very wealthy. In a short time we had
conference together about the Portion, and my Estate, and therein we
were all satisfied. My Courtship was very Noble, yet not Prodigal, for
fear of giving offence; and in a little while we were married. By her
looks I thought her so modest, that an unchaste thought durst not enter
into her head, since all immodest expressions she banished from her
ears.
The first night I thought to have had the first _taste_, but my
experience told me the _Tarriers_ had been there before. This struck me
into an amazement, that there should appear such Virgin-whiteness, and
the extract of innocence in her face, yet be guilty of a crime so
notorious. Much perplext I was, but durst not vent my self, what was
more than bare suspition. In one half years time what I intended to
conceal could be hid no longer, being brought to bed three months before
her time; and yet the Bawd her Midwife would make me believe this was
usual; and that Children brought forth at six months might live.
Now began our domestick Civil Wars, which was carried on with such fury
between us, that there was hardly an Utensil in the Kitchin that could
rest in quiet from flying about our ears continually. My Wife acted the
_Silent Woman_ to the life, whilest in a single state; for before we
were married all her answers were very short, comprehended within the
two Monosyllables of _I_, and _No_; and those two must be forcibly
extracted from her. But now her tongue wagg’d in a perpetual motion, and
her voice so shrill and loud, that it would be heard distinctly, though
a piece of Ordnance were discharged near her at the same time, or
standing at the Bell-room-door whilest the Bells were ringing. Frequent
were her complaints to her Father and Mother, which alienated their
affection from me, so that their only study was how to be rid of me. Her
forgeries (to excuse her own _Devilry_) had so instigated them, that
they sought my ruine by all wayes imaginable. Besides they laid an
_Imbargo_ on the rest of my Wives portion unpaid; advising her withal to
secure what she could, for her own self-preservation. She followed their
instructions so exactly, that in a short time I found my self in a very
declining condition, yet knew not the cause, till it was too late,
conveying away both my goods and money, some whereof went to supply the
necessities of her Stallion.
I was all along jealous of this, though I could not conclude her
altogether so culpable. But my doubts and fears which of all are the
sharpest passions, could not turn this distemper into a disease
(although they lookt through false Opticks, making things appear like
evening shadows, disproportionable to the truth, and strangely longer
than the true substance) till knowledge hereof (confirmed me by the
witnesses of my eyes) had banisht bare suspition.
Which was thus, One night I caused my self to be brought home by a
Porter as dead drunk; my Wife received me in that condition (I perceived
by peeping out of my eye-lids) with much satisfaction, and was
immediately carried up to bed; with much difficulty they undrest me,
pretending my self asleep all this while, and so they left me. It seems
by the story that my Wife presently sent away the Maid (which was her
Pimp) to her friend to come at such an hour. About nine of the clock the
Maid was posted to bed; and about ten I heard one small knock at the
door: he needed not to knock there any longer, for there was one below
that was ready to receive him. When I judg’d they were incircled in each
others arms, (which I understood by hearkning at the bottom of the
stairs, and thereby knew whereabout they were) I ran in upon them with
my Sword (which I had prepared ready) & thinking to have run them
through the body, intending to make a passage for their Souls escape, I
past my Sword through the fleshy part of both their thighs. At which
they made a most hideous outcry, so that the Maid came running down: and
a Watchman that stood just at my door hearing the noise, knockt at the
door, to know what was the matter; the Maid apprehending the danger, let
him in, who by the help of his Candle, never saw so strange a sight; for
I had so pin’d them together, that they could not stir. As well as they
could speak, they both begg’d their pardon for their lives only, which I
granted, as looking on my revenge somewhat satisfied.
My Gentleman I dismist, but as for his Mistress I was forced to send for
a Chyrurgeon, whose wound needed no probing, but tenting, for it was
through and through. There was no concealing of what was done; wherefore
in the morning early I acquainted her Parents with what had happen’d
last night, insisting further, that since she had instead of putting off
handsomly the Chain of Matrimony, rudely broke it, it should be her own
damage; neither would I be at the cost of a visitation to repair the
breach. To which I added, that had I deny’d her things requisite and
necessary, or not performed duly my duty, she might have had some
pretence for her slighting me, and look upon me only as a false Crow set
up in a Garden, to keep others from the fruit it cannot taste it self.
But since it was otherwise, and that she had nothing to object against
me, but onely sometimes curbing her inordinate desires; I wisht them to
save me the labour of having the Law to tear her from me, but that they
would remove her elsewhere.
They reply’d but little, hastning to their daughter; and fearing worse
mischief might ensue, they instantly conveyed her into the Country. She
had not remained there long, before she was cured, and not enduring to
be confined to solitariness, repaired again to the City, where now she
lives, as such do that keep Civet-Cats; but I hear she is very reserved
to all but such she knows she may intrust her self with. But let her go
with these Lines pin’d to her back.
_There never yet was woman made,
Nor shall, but to be curst;
And oh! that I (fond I) should first
Of any Lover
This Truth at my own charge to other Fools discover._
_Ye that have promis’d to your selves
Propriety in Love;
Know womens hearts like straws do move,
And what we call
Their Sympathy, is but love to jet in general._
_All Mankind are alike to them;
And though we Iron find
That never with the Loadstone joyn’d,
’Tis not the Irons fault,
It is because the Loadstone yet was never brought._
_If where a gentle Bee hath fallen
And laboured to his power,
A new succeeds not to that flower,
But passeth by
’Tis to be thought the Gallant elsewhere loads his thigh._
_For still the flowers ready stand;
One buzzes round about,
One lights, one tasts, gets in, gets out.
All always use them,
Till all their sweets are gone, and all again refuse them._
However, I must confess my own faults, as well as condemn others; which
was, I was too inquisitive after that, which the more I knew, would the
more disturb me. Of all things the less we know, the better. Curiosity
in this renders a man as ridiculous a Coxcomb, as that Cuckold Sir _John
Suckling_ mentioneth, who made diligent enquiry, whether he was made so
in a bed, or on a Couch, and whether his duty-officiating Cavalier
pulled off his Spurs first or not, _&c._
Well, it was my hard fate to Marry thus like one doom’d to prison, who
expecting to lie in a private room, is confined to the Hole. Had I
married the best, I believe I should have found my self in the Stocks.
’Tis strange that I of all men should be deceiv’d by this thing that was
like a box bearing drugs not suitable to the inscription. Had not my
passion hung in my eyes, when I lookt into her disposition and carriage,
I might have easily understood that her behavior in the presence of me
was only like action on a publick Stage, and that the evil of her
natural inclinations were hid from me under the vail of silence and
seeming modesty. And indeed my pallate was bed-ridden, and so scarce
sensible of sauce, much less of meat. But since I have had such ill-luck
in marriage, which some vainly and falsly account a merry-age, I shall
in the ensuing Discourse give you some instruction or advice as
Land-marks. For having split upon this Rock, I may the better be a Pylot
to another that would sail this way.