_His Master sheweth him more kindness than formerly; the ill
requital he made him, by Cuckolding him: an accident
that fell out thereupon, which produced two remarkable
stories, deduced from the strength of Imagination._
My Master upon my reception, told me he had freely forgiven me, and if
that I would henceforward endeavour the prosecution of a more regular
course of life, he would forget too my past follies. I promised him more
then the strictest Zelot ever yet did, and begged him pardon aforehand,
if he found a defect in performance.
As my expressions gave my Master much content, so my return (I perceived
by my Mistresses eyes) gave her the greatest satisfaction. My Master
began to doat on me again, seeing I daily trebled my diligence, and so
active I was in every thing that concerned his affairs, that it was hard
for any to anticipate me in my intention.
This gained so much upon his facile good Nature, that I had liberty to
wear my Hat, and sit at Table with him, neither would he command me any
thing servile. I had (as formerly) the same sollicitations from my
_Brother Snippers_; but fearing least one time or another I might be
snapt by the timerous nature of some, who, if once taxt, will confess,
not only as to themselves, but likewise detect the whole knot of a
_Brother-hood_; I resolved to have no more to do with them, but would
snip securely by my self, knowing, that in any secret design, if many
are concerned, their business cannot be long kept private. Wherein by
the way, I cannot but commend the craft and policy (though I absolutely
disclaim the actions) of modern Padders, whose providence instructed
them to rob singly, by which means their booty came to them intire
without distribution, or if apprehended (as it was very rare) they knew
how to make a better plea for themselves in a Court of Judicature. I now
kept close to my business, not harbouring the least temptation to any
extravagancy, and had sequestred my self from what might render me
publickly notorious, and only studied by what means I might raise my
Fortune, intending to build my future estate upon the ruines of other
men: having nothing of mine own but my late purchase at play, my only
way was (as I thought by some’s success therein) to make the world
believe I was really reformed, and so create to my self a credit,
whereas I was only a _Devil_ converted to an _Angel_ of _light_, or a
_Woolf_ in _Sheeps-cloaths_. Now did I begin to _cant_ religiously, and
not omit one Sabbath wherein I did not take Sermon-Notes, judging this
religious cloak to be the best expedient, to screw my self farther into
my Mistresses favour, who doted on _Morning Exercises_, and monethly
_Fasts_. If my Master had forgot to do the _duty_ of the day, I would
with much respect put him in mind of the neglect, desiring that I might
repeat what had been delivered. As they looked upon my conversion more
miraculous then that of _St. Paul_, so they gave me the greatest
incouragement, least like _weak Women_, I might prove a back-slider.
There were few private meetings my Mistress heard of, but, by the leave
of my Master, I must conduct her to them, which were as many portents of
our private meetings afterwards, where _Venus_ should appoint.
I am sorry that I am so uncharitable as to say that the _zeal_ of her
_Spirit_ was not so hot as that of her flesh. Every day I had some
remark of her love, which I received with much submissive respects,
pretending I understood not her meaning, which added but fewel to the
blazing flame of love within her. I could not be ignorant, that since
she began to court me, she would prosecute it to the end. Her courtship
me-thought was very preposterous; she might have first received the
charge from me, and by that means she would have found me prepared,
whereas otherwise she might have been deceived in her expectation.
My Mistriss gave me so many opportunities, and signified her desires by
so many tokens and dumb expressions, that I began to condemn my fears,
which rendred me unworthy of her favours. The besieger deserves not the
honour of possessing that City, whose Gates are freely opened to him,
yet dares not enter. Whilst I was thus ruminating, my Mistriss came to
the Counting-house where I was writing; and leaning upon my shoulder,
asked me what I was doing: I told her nothing but writing. _Nothing_, I
believe said she, nor never will do _any thing_, but draw up blanks, and
so abruptly left me. She knew the quickness of my apprehension, and so
left the interpretation hereof to my own construction.
Not long after, (thinking her words had left a deep impression, as they
did) and withall concluding I would give her the sence of them, when I
had an opportunity; She informs my Master that she had a great desire to
visit a Gentlewoman she had not seen a long time, and requested that her
man _Thomas_ (for that was my name) might wait on her: to which he
assented. Though I _led her_, yet I wondered were she _led me_, through
one street into another till we arrived at the water-side. She bid me
call for a pair of Oars, which I accordingly did. The Watermen were very
inquisitive according to their custome, to know whither we intended.
Well, well, said she, put off, and then it will be time enough for you
to understand. Said she, Row us up to Fox-hall. I for my part was
somewhat amazed, yet I partly guessed what she drove at. I kept at a
distance, shewing her the respect of a servant; which she taking notice
of, laughed, saying, Come Cuz, why dost not sit neerer? to which I
replyed as familiarly (for by this time I had much improved the stock of
my confidence) I were best to sit a little neerer you, since I shall be
the best expedient to ballance the Boat even, or trim it, for you are
but _light on your side_. This expression I doubt nettled her, for
presently thereupon she shot a piercing dart from her eye, (which I
fancied to have penetrated my very soul) How now Cuz, said she, I
thought you had a better opinion of me; I understand the Riddle, Your
expressions may be very _dark_ to some, however I have too much _light_
in it. I would have made an Apology for my self, but that she hindred me
by whispering me in the ear, to this effect, that if she was _light_,
there was no other cause but my self, and that if I abused her love any
longer, she would sit the heavier on my skirts. Landing, we went
streight to Spring-Garden; by the way she told me, I must lay aside all
formality, and for the better carrying on the design we went upon, she
would have me as afore assume the title of Cuz. We were conducted into
an obscure bower, I suppose one of _Lovels Chapels of ease_, where,
without a _Clew_, it would be hard for any to find us. There was not any
thing wanting that might delight the Appetite, which with much freedom
we enjoyed together.
Now, said my Mistress, I shall take off the veil of my modesty, and
discover to thee the very naked secrets of my heart. The first time that
ever I saw thee, I had more than a common respect to thee, and there was
not a time since, wherein I had the sight of thee, but that it added new
fewel to the flame of my affection: I used all possible means to smother
or blast it in the bud, but could not; I summoned my reason to confute
my passion, and notwithstanding I alledged that there was a
disproportion in our age, and unsuitableness as to our condition, and
lastly how great a strain it would be to my religious profession; yet
Love got the Victory over these, and would have been too strong for ten
times as many; the rest she supplyed with kisses, which were infinite.
Having gained a little breath, and she again having lent me the use and
_disposal_ of my own mouth, I returned to this her amorous Oration,
something suitable to it by way of retaliation; Protesting with
invocations, that since she had so compleated my happiness by her love,
I would perish before I would be guilty of the least abuse therein.
That had it not been for the sense of my unworthiness, and fear of
hazarding her love, and so gained her displeasure, no other difficulty
should have deterred me from declaring, and discovering what she had
prevented me in; adding, that where the quintessence of all loves
contracted into one body, it could not equallize mine. Come, said she,
let us leave off talking in such idle phrases, let future constancy make
apparent the reallity of our affections, and let us not loose any time
wherein we may mutually enjoy each other. It is but a folly for me now
to mince the matter, or by my coldness endeavour to recongeal that water
where the ice is too visibly broken and thaw’d. Yet let not your
prudence be questioned, or reason forfeited, in making any unhandsome
advantage of this my freedom. But above all, blast not my reputation by
the unsavory breath of any ostentatious boasting of a Gentlewomans
favours, nor let not my love cause any slighting or disrespect in you to
your Master; neither let it so puffe you up with pride, as to contemn
your fellow-servants. In company, shew much more reverence to me than
formerly. In private, when none sees us but our selves, be as familiar
and free as actions can demonstrate. Be constant to me alone, for true
love will not admit of plurality. Be secret and silent, and follow not
the common practise of vain-glorious Fools, that in requital of those
favours they have received in private of some credulous Female, will
make their braggs of them in publick. As if it were not enough for them
to rob them of their Chastities, but must likewise murther their
Reputations. Have a special care you slight me not, (as some squeamish
or curious Stomacks use feeding too long on one sort of Food, though
never so delicious) for a Womans love dispised will turn into extreme
hatred, and will be ever restless till malice and revenge have consulted
with Invention, how to be more than even with the slighting Injurer. She
propounded more Articles, which I have forgot now, but I remember I
sealed them without a _witness_. We made an end of our business for that
time, with much expedition, to the intent the tediousness of our staying
might not be suspected by the ignorant _Cuckold_ at home: I have reason
now for so calling him.
Coming home, I applyed my self to the business of the Shop as before,
enjoyning my eyes a severe pennance, not so much as to look towards that
Object they so dearly loved. According to my usual time I went to Bed,
but sleep I could not, for thinking on what I had done. About one a
clock I was much startled, to hear something come into my Chamber; but
before I could give my eyes the liberty for a discovery, my Mistress had
gotten within the sheets, and not daring to speak, because my Master lay
in the next room, most commonly by himself, and her chamber was the next
to that, (and in a Trundle-bed underneath my Mistress’s bed lay the
Maid.) Neer upon day-break my sweet Bed-fellow left me, at an unhappy
time, for then was my Master awake, which might have ruined us both,
which had so faln out, had he been resolute or couragious; but on the
contrary, exceeding timerous, but more especially, childishly afraid of
the supposed walking of Spirits: For hearing the boards crack twice or
thrice, with the weight of her body; besides, by the help of Starlight,
perceiving something to move all in white, he shrunk underneath the
cloaths, not daring to put out his head; now did his imagination work as
_strongly_ almost as his _Breech_, suggesting strange and ridiculous
things to his fancy. But I shall give him leave to tell his own story. A
little after it was day, being almost stifled for want of fresh Air, and
choak’d with the stink that was in the Bed, he boldly & valiantly put
his head out of the coverlid, and after he had thrice exorcis’d the
Devil, or the supposed evil Spirit, with avoid _Satan_, repeating as
often that Scriptural Sentence, _Resist the Devil and he will flye from
thee_: He called out as loud as he might for me to come to him. I leapt
out of Bed, and ran to him, asking him what was the matter: O _Thomas_,
said he, light a Candle quickly; I running in haste to light the Candle,
fell (by mistaking the first step) down the stairs, which made a
terrible noise: my Master hearing me, cry’d out, (saying, O God, what
will become of me?) thinking the Devil indeed had mistook me for
himself, and that he was horsing me on his back to carry me away; with
that he fell to prayer so fervently loud, that up starts the Mistress,
and the Maids, running to know what was the matter: fear had so
possessed him, that he could not be perswaded, but that they were some
of the Devilish crew.
At first they thought him to be fallen mad; but finding out the cause of
this distraction, with much ado my Mistress made him sensible of his
mistake. Being fully assured, that they were not (yet) damned Spirits,
he relates what he had seen, in this manner: My Mistress afterwards told
me, that had it not been for laughing, which so busied her, that her
sense of smelling for that time had left her, she could never have
endured to hear him out, for that notorious stink, which came from the
Bed, when he stirred ever so little.
I wonder’d, said he, that contrary to my usual custom, I awak’d about
four a clock, whereas I used to sleep soundly, thou knowest till eight.
I hearkned, at first I perceived onely the boards to crack, but
presently after I heard chains rattle, and the stools flung about the
room, the bed, and I in it, _danced_ up and down, as if a _Scotch
Bagpipe_ had been plaid upon by a _Northern Witch_, and the Devil the
while had Danced with me, and the Bed a Morrice, (supplying the
_Bellows_ with wind.) Sometimes they pull’d me out of Bed, and laid me
on the cold floor, and then tost me in again like a _Dog in a Blanket_.
Hearing no noise, I attempted to peep out; but scarcely had mine eyes
recovered the top of the Bed-cloths, when I saw standing by me, a
composition of meer bones, with a shrowd thrown over his shoulders, like
an _Irish Brachin_, or a _Scotch Pladd_, with a light Taper in one hand
(I knew not what use he could make of it, for there were only _holes_ in
his head instead of eyes) and an Hour-glass in the other: he grinn’d at
me with his teeth, (for he had no lips) and shaking his chains left me,
which sight so terrified me, that I had like to have shot out (like a
_Pudding_ in a _Bag_) all that was within me. My Mistresse had like to
have broken out into extreme laughter, had not the consideration of
danger (that might have ensued thereon) hindred her.
After this, it was a long time before he would be perswaded to lie in
that Chamber again, which made me curse his strong conceit, for by this
means he would lye with his wife, which interrupted our sweet venereal
pastime. As for my part, I believed he would never have return’d to his
own chamber again, for he trembled when he past through it in the day
time; and if alone, he would so thunder down the stairs (fear giving
wings to his feet) as if (_Vulcan_-like) he had been sent by _Jupiter
head-long_ in a message.
Another accident (hapning not long after) cur’d him in part of his
ridiculous belief, grounded on nothing else but fancy: In the Sellar, on
a certain beam that went crosse, there were great quantity of
Tenter-hooks placed there, some to hang meat on, others of a smaller
sort for other uses. Our Cat being somewhat ravenous, was following the
scent, and had gotten upon the Beam; her foremost feet slipping, she was
strangely caught by the tail, and not able to recover her self: Being
terribly pained by the hook, she made a most hideous noise, which made
our Dog fall a howling. This strange din first approached my Masters
ears, who awaking my Mistress, asked her now whether she would believe
her own ears. At first she confest to me, she knew not what to think,
her conscience being yet tender (which having no long time accustomed
her self to sin, was not hardned and fear’d up) put her in mind of what
she had lately committed, so that she had like to have concluded that it
was _Satan_ was sent to _buffet_ her; But she having a martial spirit,
and not easily daunted, she hearkned further, and then judg’d that
Thieves had broken into the house.
My Master all this while was _breathing his last at both ends_, whilest
my Mistress leap’d out of Bed, and came to my Chamber door, bidding me
in all haste to rise, for there were Thieves in the house. I confess I
had no great mind to be kill’d, and therefore I was in no great haste to
rise, sometimes buttoning my Doublet, and anon unbuttoning it again;
perceiving that I delaid, she came again, taxing me with Cowardise, and
meanness of Spirit, which put new life into me, making me to resolve to
adventure my life, rather than hazard the loss of her good opinion.
Finding my Mistress in her smock, I thought it a shame for me to have
any cloaths on; and so naked as I was, we march’d on. Coming to the
Stairhead, my fancy troubled me a little too, for the noise had so
amaz’d me, that I would fain have my Mistress to go first; she could not
forbear laughing, to observe how complemental and ceremonious at that
time I was. Having scattered my fear by resolution, How do I abuse
myself, said I, and with that boldly went on.
By this time a light was produced, and then those Bug-bear thoughts
which darkness possesseth the fancy withal, began to vanish. There was
not a hole big enough to contain a man, but what I _prob’d_. Descending
the Cellar-stairs, I there plainly saw the Original cause of our fear
and distraction, hanging by the tail. I called my Mistress to the sight,
and now the Maids too would be Spectators, understanding the danger to
be overpast.
Well, the general vote was, that the Cat should be carried up stairs to
our Master, and shew him the _wound in his Tail_, for evidence to prove
his guilt in being seduced by _fancy_.
He hearing some come up, thought we were all destroyed, and that they
were coming up to dispatch him too: Wherefore he cryed out, _Save my
Life, and take all I have_. His wife (not to encrease his perplexity)
bid him quiet himself, there was no harm, nor any like to be done; and
withal so convinced him of his folly, both past and present, that he had
not a word to say in his own defence; he enjoyning us all silence, we
were dismiss’d.
The next night, to show how much he was altered from his former temper
and belief, he did lye in his Chamber aforesaid, supposedly haunted, and
that same night with much joy, my Mistress and I renewed our pleasures.