_What a Trick he served his Comrade; how himself was
Trapan’d; his own Cloaths taken from him; the Bawd out
of pretended pity, invested him with an old petticoat
and wastcoat; his admittance into a Boarding-School; his
getting many of the Gentlewomen with Child; his
discovery, and his flight._
From one Bawdy-house to another, was our dayly Travel, still finding out
some variety that might please us. About the twylight, coming along by a
well-built house, I saw a Gentlewoman richly Attired standing by the
door, who, as I passed by, very civilly saluted me, and so withdrew her
self. I followed her in, as very well understanding how to interpret
such actions. She brought us into a spacious Inner-room, and then with
much civility and good carriage, invited us to sit down. She called to
her servant to bring some bottles of Wine, resolving to make us pay
dearly for her extraordinary Favours. By our habits she took us for no
less then persons of Quality; for we had gallantly accoutred our selves;
and I thought that Fortune now had designed me her chiefest favorite, in
throwing this unexpected blessing upon me. She caused her Lute to be
brought her, to which she sung so harmonically, that the Musick of the
Sphears are no more to be compared to it, then a Scotch Bagpipe to an
Organ. This so intoxicated my Comrade, with the Wine together (not but
that they had a great operation on my self) that he fell fast asleep,
(_alias_ dead drunk.) Glad I was to my very heart of this accident,
fearing he might be a Rival in my intention: and to the intent I might
remove all _Remora’s_ or Impediments that might hinder my sole enjoyment
of this Lady, I consulted with my self what to do with him: I was not
long about it, but streight found out this cunning Plot, which was to
send him home to his Master. Love to a Woman is so forceable, that what
will it not do? to sum up all, make a man betray his Friend. I made an
Apology to the Gentlewoman for his incivility, and requested the favour
to have her servant procure me a Porter; whilst she was gone to execute
my desires, I searcht his Pockets, and took away all his Gold; for we
had converted all our money into that metal, which we always made our
_Vade mecum_. To ingratiate my self with this Gentlewoman, I acquainted
her with my design; which she heartily laughed at. I farther desired of
her, that I might have a Card and a piece of paper. On the Card I wrote
a superscription, and pinned it on his back, directing the thing to his
Master, living in such a place: with the paper, I wrote a Letter to him
to this effect.
_SIR,
Lately I found your Goose upon the way,
I took him up, as one that went astray.
To recompense my pains, I pull’d his feathers;
Such pretious down will warm me in all weathers.
His flesh I love not; it belongs to you:
The gibblets though I keep; and so adieu._
I gave the Porter instructions, that he should but just put him within
the doors, and leave the Letter, and so with all speed to come away, to
prevent examination: he brought me word he had performed my order: what
discants were made hereon, I shall leave the Reader to imagine. By this
time I had gained my Mistress with a shower of Gold, which had so far
prevailed on her, that she protested she was wholly and solely at my
devotion. I would have had her to have gone immediately to bed; but she
told me, _There would be time enough before morning to sport in, and
that we should be both tired, if we went to bed so soon_. Wherefore, to
divert our selves, we drank and sung together in parts, I my self having
indifferent good judgment. Having spun out the time so long till it was
time to go to bed, she then conducted me to the Chamber where she
intended we should lie. Though she made what haste she could to undress
her self, yet me thought she was purposely tedious. I commended before,
her Vocal and Instrumental Musick; but then I esteemed no other Musick
sweeter then what the Tag made against her Bodice when she was unlacing
her self. About two a Clock in the Morning, three or four fellows rushed
into our Room; at which I awakened, but made as little noise as a
_Perdue_. My Mistress leaping out of the Bed, they seized on her, gagged
and bound her; and then opening the two leaves of the Window that was
the entrance into the Belcony, they came in all haste to the Bed, and in
a trice, had rowled up the Bed so close, that they had like to have
stifled me in the middle on’t: though they dragged me in the Bed from
off the Bedsteed, rudely letting me fall on the ground; yet I felt no
harm; every part of me was so well guarded, that in that condition, I
might have bid defiance to a Canon-Bullet. But when I heard them talk of
flinging the Bed over the Belcony to their Companions, I thought I
should have died instantly for fear, knowing I must of necessity go with
it. Whereupon I cryed out as loud as I could, and struggling, I got a
little place open, and then I roar’d like _Phalaris_ his Bull. They
seeming to be surprized with my unexpected noise, fled, fastning a Rope
to the Belcony, and so slid down into the street. Perceiving they were
all gone, I groped about the Room (for it was very dark) speaking very
lowly, Where are you Madam? repeating it often; but much wondring I
could not hear her answer me. As I was feeling round the Room,
stretching forth my hands, I chanced to run one of my hands against her,
and one of my fingers into her mouth: I thought my finger had strayed at
first, mistaking the place; but searching farther, and finding teeth, I
knew then whereabout I was, and discovered withal a stick in her mouth,
keeping it wide open, as Butchers do their Sheep with a Gambrel. But
having removed this obstacle of her speech, she begged me to untie her
hands; which having done, she her self untied her feet; and with that,
she would have clasped me in her Arms; but I hung an arse, being
sensible of the stinking condition that the fear had put me in. She was
very inquisitive after my welfare, asking me again and again, _Whether I
had received any harm from the Rogues_. I told her no: _Nay, then I care
not for my own sufferings, or what loss I have sustained by them_, said
she, and so speedily went for a candle. As I was thinking to Apologize
for my nastiness, up she came with a light, viewing me, and perceiving
what a condition I was in, she kept at a distance; _Sir_, said she, _my
fancy suggests to me, that you now resemble _Nebuchadnezzar_ when
Metamorphozed into a beast, and lying in his own dung, when you shall
have reassumed your humanity, I shall presume to approach nearer to
you_. I made my Sirreverence to her, wishing they had gagged her breech
too so wide, that her guts might have a passage through her posteriours.
For I plainly perceived, notwithstanding all her specious pretences, she
was the foundress of this Plot. Well, she caused water to be brought up,
with which I cleansed my self; and because my shirt had too strong a
sent of _Stercus humanum_, she lent me a Smock, which presaged ere long
I should wear Coats too. Having shifted my self, I looked for my
Cloaths, but there was a _Non est inventus_ out against them, all my
search could afford me not the least comfort: my Mistress seemed much
disturbed at my loss; but when I told her I had lost such a considerable
quantity of Gold, her sorrow seemed to be redoubled, and I am sure her
inward joy was increased. She comforted me with a great many friendly
loving expression, sdesiring me to be patient, and indeed necessity
forced me to it. I asked her advice what I should do in this naked
condition: _There is no remedy_, (she replyed) _you must be content to
cloath your self in Womans apparel, as for mans I have none to furnish
you withal_. I consented to it, and presently she drest me up in one of
her Gowns, with all the appurtenances thereunto belonging. The
slenderness of my body, whiteness of skin, beauty, and smoothness of
face (having no hairs thereon) added a suitableness to my garb. I must
ingeniously confess, when I consulted with a Looking-glass, I thought
the transmutation of Sexes had been verified in me; but when I walked, I
found something pendulous, which easily perswaded me to the contrary
belief of my self. I thought it folly to tax her for my misfortune,
knowing how little it would advantage me. The time was come I was to
take my leave of her: going to salute her, I committed a foul mistake,
indeavouring to pull off my hood in stead of my hat, and making a Leg
(as the vulgar term is) in stead of a Curchy; but she advising me to
rectifie that mistake for the time to come, we bid each other adieu. In
this disguize I traversed the streets, it being almost impossible for
any to discover me, my voice being so effeminate, that I was confident
that would never betray me. As I walkt, I consulted with Reason what was
most expedient. My invention (as at all times) was now ready to assist
me; and thus it was. Finding a Bill on a door, I knocked, desiring to
see what Lodgings they had; I was very civilly intreated to come in, and
was shown several Rooms with much respect, for my female habit was very
gallant, and so it had need, for it cost me dearer than so much cloath
of Gold. I pitch’d at last upon a Chamber extraordinary well furnished;
I never scrupled the price, (because they should look on me as a person
of Quality) but agreed to my Landlords own terms. I told him I was
lately come out of the Country, and that my Trunks were not yet arriv’d,
with a great many more fictions to prevent suspition. At first I
intended to take for no longer time, than I could contrive a way to
dispose of my self, and procure mans Apparrel; but perceiving how
agreeable my Feature, Stature and Gesture were to my Female Weeds, I
resolved to trie some projects in them. There was a young Gentleman that
lay in the house, and took special notice of me as soon as I entered it,
and as he told me next day, was over joyed that I had determined to be a
Lodger there. This young _Bravo_ (which had more money than wit) had
prepared a Banquet for me, and requested the favour of me, that it and
himself might be received into my chamber: I alleadged I could not do it
in point of honour, and therefore desired to be excused; but he prest me
so far (getting also his Landlady to intercede for him), that at last
(though with much seeming unwillingness) I condescended thereunto. Very
merry they were, but I thought it prudence to be reserv’d. My Amorist so
gazed on me, that I thought he would have devoured me with his eyes,
kissing me sometimes, which had like to have made me disgorge my stomack
in his face. For in my opinion, it is very unnatural, nay loathsome, for
one man to kiss another, though of late too customary I know it is; yet
I look on such as use it, inclining to _Sodomy_, and have had the
unhappiness to be acquainted with severall, who using that unnatural
action, found it onely the Preludium to a more beastly intention. In
three dayes time we grew so intimately acquainted, that at last he
became impudent. One time as I past by him, he catch’d at me,
endeavouring to intrude his hand where he had no interest, but he did it
so rudely, that I verily thought he had spoiled me; I believe he
imagined that he had caught me by the busk, which some Ladies wear very
long to hide their rising bellies. I showed my self much displeased at
him for so doing, expressing my resentment in imbittered words for so
great a Crime. Next morning, he courted me to a Reconciliation with a
Gold Watch: by that he should have been well skilled in gaining female
affections; for there is nothing prevails on them more than presents;
and nothing gains sooner over them a total conquest, than the hopes of
enjoying a fair promising Fortune. With much importunity I accepted his
Peace-offering, conditionally, that he should never attempt the like
offence. Nothing troubled me more, then how to dress my self when my
cloaths were off. I durst not lay two things together, for fear I should
mistake; there were so many baubles, I wished for a Pen and Ink, to
write on them what places they properly belonged to. Viewing them on the
Table together, they represented to my thoughts Babel, or a great
confusion, and nothing but a miracle could produce Order out of them, I
had so improv’d my self by hourly practice, when none was with me, and
observation of others, that I had now the knack on’t. I new modelled my
steps, my former being too large by three quarters; I could
advantagiously cast my eye, set my face in a plat-form, and dissect my
words; my feet were my only Traytors, and therefore I alwayes kept them
close Prisoners, for their greatness (like the Devils cloven-foot)
proclaimed me the contrary Sex I imitated. Well, I thought it high time
to be gone, not without plucking my Widgeon. Having a fit opportunity,
there being none present but himself and I, I pretended disappointment
of money, and that my Rents were not yet due, and therefore desired him
to lend me 10_l._ for eight days; at the termination of which time, I
should not fail to return it him with gratitude. He was much joy’d, that
I would favour him so far, as to accept his service; & with that flew
like Lightning, fearing he would have fractured his Leg-bone for haste
to bring me the money, which I received from him thankfully. I caused a
Coach to be call’d, pretending I had business into the City. My Cully
would have waited on me, which I utterly refused, telling him without
privacy my affairs would prove ineffectual; whereupon he desisted.
Coming into _Burchin-Lane_, I went to a Salesman, and bought
(pretendedly for my Maid) an ordinary yet handsome Petticoat and
Wastcoat, furnishing my self with all the Appurtenances requisite for a
Servant maid.
In stead of returning to my Lodging, I caused the Coachman to drive me
to one of the principal Nurseries of _Venus_, _Whetstones Park_. For I
lookt upon it as a matter of small import, to take my leave either of my
young Gallant at home, or my Landlord, since I had not left the least
Mortgage behind me for sleeping.
Mother _Cunny_ (to tell the truth) was the Nick-name of that Corpulent
Matron, that with much demonstrations of joy received me into her house;
neither could she forbear expressing her great satisfaction, in that her
civil and honest deportment was so generally taken notice of, as that it
should be an inducement to strangers to shelter themselves under her
Tutelage, preferring her as a Guardian or Tutress, before so many
throughly tried, and long experienced antient Gentlewomen, both in City
and Suburbs. She highly applauded both the Features and Complexion of my
Face, not forgetting the right colour of my Hair, which was flaxen: the
Stature of my Person infinitely pleased her, which was somewhat of the
tallest: In short, nothing disliked her, but that she said I lookt as if
I had a greater mind to beat, than buss; and to fight, than delight my
Amoretes with smiling insinuations.
I had not been long in her house, before a roaring Damme entred the
house, (a constant visitant) who meeting with my Guardian, was informed
that there was a rich treasure discover’d in her house, and that none
should attempt to spring the Mine, till he had made entrance by the
first stroak. In short, he was brought into the Chamber where I was, who
at first behaved himself indifferently civil, and treated me nobly: But
O Heavens! how great was my confusion and distraction, when strength of
Arguments and force of hands would not repel the fury of his lust, and
that nothing would serve his turn but lying with me. I defended my self
manfully a long time; but seeing it was impossible to hold out any
longer, and that I must be discovered, the next assault he made, forced
me to cry out: this so alarumed my Gentleman (concluding this outcry
proceeded not from modesty and chastity, but out of some trapanning
design) that he drew his sword, and made toward the Stair-case, and
running down with more haste than good speed, overturned my kind
Governess (that was puffing up the Stairs to my relief) and so both
tumbled down together: fear had so dispossest this huffling fellow of
his senses, that he mistook my old Matron for the _Bravo_ he thought did
usually attend me, and so without once looking behind him, made his
escape into the street, leaving the piece of Antiquity not so much
defaced by time, as by this dismal accident so near extinguishing, that
she was half undone in the vast expence of her Strong-waters, to bring
her tongue to one single motion.
Coming to her self, you may imagine how I was treated by her; but to be
brief, I told her I could not brook such a course of life, wherein all
injoyments were attended by ruine and destruction, although habited and
cloathed in the seeming ornaments of real pleasure; adding moreover,
that I would speedily leave her house, investing my self with a meaner
garb, bestowing those I wore on her in part of satisfaction for what she
suffered through my means. This proposition so well pleased her, that I
had free liberty to do as I thought most convenient herein.
Exchanging my fine _Madamship_ for plain _Joan-ship_, my equipage being
suitable for service, I resolved to apply my self to a Boarding School;
and the rather, having observed it to be more thronged with Beauties,
than any other: My address proved as successful as I could desire, for
instantly upon my motion, I was received in as a Menial of the house.
But when I came to use the Tools of the Kitchin, I handled them so
scurvily, it made those teething Giglers my fellow servants, even split
with laughter. To add to my misfortune, those Varlets one time when we
had some meat to roast, on purpose got out of the way for a while, to
see how I could behave my self; and then I did spit the meat so
monstrously strange, that coming into the Kitchin, they could not tell
at first sight what those joynts were called at fire. My actions had
proclaimed my ignorance in all Domestick Affairs, so that my Mistress
could not but take notice of me; and told me, that I was altogether
unfit for her service, and that she could do no less than discharge me.
Fearing that my design was now frustrated, and my fair hopes of delight
annihilated, I could not contain my tears from bedewing my face. My
blubber’d eyes wrought so powerfully with my Mistress, that I judged it
now the fittest time in broken Accents to mollifie her anger, and still
reserve my place in her service. Whereupon I told her a great many
formal and plausible lies, well methodized; that I had all my life time
lived in an obscure Village amongst rude and ill-bred people, and
therefore knew nothing; that it was my desire to learn, not so much
valuing wages as experience, and that it was for that intent I had
tendred my service. The good old Gentlewoman being much pleased with my
freedom, presently ordered the Maids that without their grinning and
gigleting, they should shew me any thing I understood not.
By diligent observing, I gained shortly an indifferent knowledge: Though
I lay with one of my fellow servants every night, yet I judged it no
prudence to discover to her my Sex (though much against the hair) till I
had by external kindnesses indeared her to me. I went through my
business pretty handily, giving a general satisfaction, gaining daily an
interest upon the loves of the young Gentlewomen.
O the fine inexpressible petulances that dayly, nay, hourly past between
me and some other of them; and so crafty I was grown, that I perfectly
did counterfeit a modest maiden. Sometimes we would retire three or four
of us into a private corner, yet not so obscure but that we intended to
be seen by some man or other we had afore discovered; and then as if
affrighted by an unexpected surprize, squeak out, and then with strange
haste endeavour to hide our pretended shamefacedness. Thus concurring
and suiting my self to their humours, I had all the freedome I could
desire.
And now I thought it high time to handle the matter for which I came
about; for indeed flesh and blood could hold out no longer. One night I
perceived my Bedfellow could not in the least close her eyes,
continually sighing and tumbling to and fro, sometimes laying her leg
over me, and at other times hugging me within her arms, as if I had been
in a press. At first I thought this commotion or perturbation proceeded
from Sympathy, as questionless in part it did; for I found
experimentally by my self that my heart did beat as if it would have
forced its passage through my breast.
I thought I could do no less than ask her what she ailed that she was
thus restless. At first, sighs were her onely answers, till at last (I
pressing her much) poor thing she melted into tears. As soon as her eyes
had given over deluging, and that her heart would give her leave to
speak; _Jone_ (said she, for so I called my self) if thou wilt keep my
secrets, I will tell thee my whole heart. Having promised to do that,
whereupon she began thus to relate her story. Our Coachman for several
years hath shown me more then common respect, and indeed though I have
concealed that affection I ever bore him, yet I could not but now and
then give him slight occasions of hope: as the moneths wherein we lived
together added to our age, so did it add true life & vigour to our
loves, which increased so much and fast, that I could hide mine no
longer. But herein consists my misery, that our affections aim at
different ends; I fain would marry him; he is onely for present
enjoyment, and finding me obstinate, and not in the least yielding to
his amorous sollicitations, begins to slight me, and toys with such
before my face, that I know will surrender their Maiden forts upon the
first Summons. Now Dear _Joan_, let me tell thee, I can hold out no
longer, but am resolved to give him all the opportunity of privacy I can
invent, upon the least motion offered, I will entertain it. I disswaded
her from this rash resolution with as much reason as I could utter;
inculcating the danger of being gotten with child, with all its
aggravations: that having obtained his ends, his love would be converted
into loathing; and he having rejected her as his object, none that knew
her would choose her as an object that may make an honest wife; for who
would marry a whore, but to entail the Pox on his progeny? What ever I
alleadged, she valued not. Seeing the was fully bent, I thought this the
critical hour to discover my self to her, _Come, come_ (said I) _I will
quickly put you out of conceit with _John_, and cure this love that so
much troubles you_; and so I did, after which I enjoyned her silence;
which I thought she would have done, for her own interest sake; which
she did for a while. I came at length to be very much beloved in
general. It was the custome almost every night for the young Gentlewomen
to run skittishly up and down into one anothers Chambers; and I was so
pestered with them, that they would not let me sleep. But I had an
excellent Guardian in bed with me, that would not let any of them come
in to us, resolving to monopolize all the sport to her self. It was good
sport to observe how this Maid always followed me as my shadow, and
whatever I was doing of, she would have a hand in it with me. What an
endless work we made in making the beds! Our Mistress saw her work very
much neglected, laying all the blame upon my Bedfellow; and indeed not
without cause: for her mind was so employed about thinking on night,
that she did little all day; which my Mistress perceiving, turned her
away; which was no small joy to me, if for no other consideration then
her extream fondness, which I knew would betray us both in the end.
After the departure of my Bedfellow, the young Ladies pittying my
loneness in the night, redrest that solitude by their welcome presence.
The first that came had like to have spoiled all; by her squeaking; but
some of her Associates running to know what was the matter, she readily
told them she _thought_ there was a Mouse in the bed: thus satisfied,
they departed; and I enjoyned her as I did the other, silence; but alas!
all Injunctions on Women to keep a secret, are but as so many
perswasions to divulge it. Notwithstanding I had so enjoyned her
secrecy, yet she made it known to some that she entertained a peculiar
respect for, intending they should participate with her in the pleasure
she enjoyed. This discovery did put me to an extream hard task; I should
never have undergone it, had not variety of such sweet smelling
Rose-buds encouraged me.
_Thus frequently each night did I repeat
My uncontrouled passions; and for heat,
And active liveliness, I thought that none
Could stand with me in competition.
Twas then, forgetful wretch, that I a kiss
Did oft prefer before a greater bliss.
What did I care? my carnal joys did swell;
So slighted Heaven, and ne’re feared Hell.
But let me henceforth learn to slight those toys,
And set my heart upon Celestial joys._
In the very height of these my jollities, I cou’d not forbear thinking
sometimes on my eternal condition; but custome and opportunity had so
absolutely inslaved me, that good thoughts which were but seldom,
wrought little good effects upon me. But if my souls welfare would not
deter me from these foul and wicked acts, yet love to my present mortall
condition, compelled me for a while to desist, and by flying those
embraces I lately so hotly pursued, shun those complicated mischiefs
which were appropinquant, the undeniable effects of my immoderate and
destructive wantonness. My approaching danger was too visible, for I
observed that some of the Gentlewomen began to find strange alterations
in their bodies, with frequent qualms coming over their stomacks, which
made me sick to be gone; and in this manner I did plot my escape. My
Mistris having a Son much about my stature, and one time finding a fit
opportunity, I got a suit of cloaths of his, with other perquisits,
which I put on, reassuming my proper shape and habit, and so with flying
colours marched off, insulting over the conquest of so many
Maiden-heads, leaving the _quondam_ possessors thereof to deplore their
ensuing misery, and condemn their own rash folly.
[Illustration]