_How he frequented Bawdy-houses; what exploits he committed
in them; the Character of a Bawd, a Whore, a Pimp, and a
Trapan; their manner of living; with a Detection of
their wicked lives and Conversations._
Being full fraught with money, we undertook our Progress, promising to
our selves all delight imaginable, but not considering what the effect
would be. We frequented all places of pleasure, but among the chief we
ranked _Brothel-houses_, which were our Repositories. We seldom were
seen in the Streets by day, for fear of discovery; confining our selves
close Prisoners to some _Bubbing-house_; at night (like such as closely
delighted in deeds of darkness) we would sometimes flutter abroad. Our
pastime was to hire Coaches to any pretended place, and when we came
near it, to make our escape. One time leaping out of the Boot, my Cloak
chanced to tangle in the spokes of the Wheel: the Coachman not
perceiving we were got out, drove on; by the wheels continually turning,
my Garment was so ingaged, that I verily believed my sins had now
conferred upon me the just punishment of being executed on the wheel,
which I could hardly have avoided, had I not speedily unbuttoned my
Cloak: I was loath to bid the Coachman stop, thinking I should have it
at last; I ran Lacquy-like a long way, but all my endeavours to shift
it, proved ineffectual; so that at length I was forced to cry out, _Hold
Coachman_. The Coachman coming out of his Box, soon perceived the
fallacy, and straightways demanded his money for his hire, before he
would untangle my Cloak, which I was compelled to give him. Delivering
me my Cloak, he told me, _I had paid him, but he had not paid me for my
attendance on him_: And said moreover, _That my Cloak would not look
like a Livery, unless it were laced; and with that, with his whip,
lashed me well-favouredly_. Another sort of Pastime we used, was to kick
the old Watchmens Lanthorns about the street; and it may be sometimes
confer a blow or two on their sleepy noddles, and then flie for it, but
we had worse success with this than the former. We practised this
foolery so often, till at length we were met with, and rightly served.
It was thus: In _Paternoster-row_, we found a fellow at noddie upon a
stall, with his Lanthorn and Candle by him; having first seized on that,
and thrown it into the Kennel, we prosecuted our abuse by falling upon
him, and beating him. As soon as we had done this manful act, we betook
our selves to flight; but here we mistook our mark, thinking him to be
an old decrepid Watchman, and one that had little use of his eyes,
without those in his Pocket; whereas to our cost, we found him as nimble
and as light footed as a Stag, who overtaking us, surprized us; and as
he was carrying us before the Constable, we met with the grand Round,
who, without much examination, committed us as Rats to the Counter. The
chiefest thing that troubled us, was the apprehension of our Masters
knowing where we were. But we resolved to drown that care: we had not
been there long, before other Rats, Male and Female, were brought in to
bear us company. Some of the men were all bloody, and their Mobs Scarfs
and Hoods all rent, and none of them sober: Damming and Sinking were the
constant flourishes of their discourse; calling for drink was the
Argument they held, and roaring in distracted notes was their Harmony.
Though I was my self comparatively wicked, yet I blessed my God I had
not arrived to that height these superlative Villains had attained to.
Being in their company, I thought myself in the Suburbs, or on the
confines of Hell. Sin, if it be dressed up in specious pretences, may be
entertained as a Companion; but when it appears in its own shape, it
cannot but strike horror into the Soul of any, though desperate, if not
stupified. Wherefore me thought I was so far from associating my self
with them, that I protest, the leudness of their Actions were so
represented to me with such deformity, that I knew not which I loathed
most, them or the Prison. I cannot make appear to the world what they
were, nor my resentments, unless I should stuff a page or two with all
manner of horrid Oaths, Execrations, Blasphemies and such like
soul-infecting & destroying Plague-sores; wherefore I shall onely take
leave to anatomize the Place that deteined us from our freedom. Then
look upon a Prison as in it self, and it may be fitly termed a temporary
Hell. For as the other is a receptacle for damned Souls, the Gates
thereof standing always wide open; so this refuseth the reception of
none, though never so wicked a miscreant. Though my durance in this
place was but short, yet I could not but take some observations,
imploying from thence the faculties of my Soul to draw up the definition
of a Prison. Hell is a very proper denomination for it, since it is a
place composed of nothing but disorder and confusion; a Land of
darkness, inhabited by calamity, horror, misery, and confusion; a
bottomless Pit of fraud, violence and stench. A Prison is the Banishment
of Courtesie, the Centre of Infamy and Disparagement, the Destruction of
good Wits, the Treasure of Despair, the Fining-Pot of Friendship, a Den
of Deceivers, a Forest of Ravenous Beasts. Here you may see one Weeping,
another singing; one Sleeping, another Swearing; every one variously
imployed; one Eating in a corner, and another Pissing just by him;
another Lowsing himself between both; it may be heretofore a military
man, and therefore loath to forget his Art, but rather exercising it in
the killing of his bodily Enemies, bearing the blood on his nail, as the
Trophies of his Victory.
It is, to speak most properly, a living Tomb or grave to bury men alive
in, wherein a man for half a years experience may learn more Law, then
he can in three Terms for an hundred pound.
It is a little Wood of woe, a Map of misery, a place that will learn a
young man more villany, if he be apt to take it, in six months, than at
twenty Gaming Ordinaries, Bowling-Allies, or Bawdy-houses; and an old
man more policy, than if he had been Pupil to _Machiavel_.
This Place hath more diseases predominant in it than the Pest-house in a
Plague-time; and stinks worse than my Lord Mayors Dog-house.
It is a little Common-wealth, although little wealth common there; it is
a desart, where desert lies hood-winkt.
The Place is as intricate as _Rosamond’s_ Labyrinth, and is so full of
Meanders and Crooked turnings, that it is impossible to find the way
out, except he be directed by a Silver Clue; and can never overcome the
Minotaur, without a Golden-ball to work his own safety. The next day,
paying our Fees, and receiving some checks, with good admonitions from
the Justice, we were discharged. This misfortune made us not a jot more
cautious, but as soon as we were at liberty, we went upon the sent to
mother _Cr._ formerly famous for the Good Citizens Wives that frequented
her house; who still rides Admiral of all the rest of her function about
the Town. I hope the next time I go to visit her, she will not get me
clapt for the pains I take in praising her. The truth of it is, of all
the Bawds I know, she merits most, having an house fit for the
accommodation of the best. As for her walking Utensils, they are
composed of refined mettal, always neatly kept; which, because they are
not used upon all slight occasions, they appear the more delectable to
the eye. Assoon as we had entered the door, I could hear a ruffling of
Silks in sundry places; I conceive it was their policy, by seeming
modesty to set a sharper edge on our appetites. We were conducted into a
large handsome Room; bottles of Wine were brought up, both Spanish and
French, with salt meats to relish the Palate, though we gave no order
for them; but it seems it was the Custom of the house, a chargeable one:
but without a Piece spending, you shall know little of their practices.
At length, up came the old Matron; after the performance of our Devoir,
she seats her self by me, and began to be impudently acquainted,
chucking me under the chin, calling me her _Son Smock-face_. Having well
warmed our selves with Wine, and the good Gentlewoman perceiving that
our bloods began to heat, _Well_, said she, _I guess at the intent of
your coming hither, neither shall you go away unsatisfied. Nature will
have its course; and if in Youth it be stopt, it will but, Torrent-like,
flow with the greater impetuosity. Come, I see by your countenances that
ye were born sons of mirth and pleasure; shew then what stock ye came
of. If you want Subjects to exercise your parts on, we’ll have more
Wine; and when ye are inflamed, ye shall have the benefit of a Cooler._
With that she leaves us; but another of the same Sex, though three
degrees different in age, supplied her place. At first view I seemed
very well pleased: handsome she was, and very proportionable; but withal
so impudent, that I was antidoted against lechery. _Ista fœmina quæ
limites verecundiæ semel excesserit, oportet illam esse graviter
impudentem._ If once a woman pass the bounds of Shamefac’dness, she will
seldome stop till she hath arrived to the heighth of Impudence. I must
needs deal ingeniously, at the beginning the Needle of my Microcosm was
toucht by Loves Loadstone. But upon further acquaintance, if I might
have had a hundred pounds, I could not have meddled with her.
Though she had baited her desires with a million of prostitute
countenances and enticements, yet I lookt upon her rather a Companion
for an Hospital, and stood more in need of a Chyrurgions acquaintance
than mine. My Friend had nibbled at the bait; but when I heard them
capitulating about the price, I thought she wanted a Fee for the Doctor.
Well, had she not over-traded, she had not broke so soon; for her trade
is opposite to all others: for she did set up without credit, and her
too much custome undid her; and so let her go, without either shame, or
hope of repentance.
We desired to see another: ’Tis variety that Man chiefly takes delight
in: One constant sort of Food, without participating of any other,
though Manna, will cause the stomack to long for the Flesh-pots: Neither
can the crime be greater in the enjoyment of diverse persons then one
alone, provided Matrimony make not the act Legitimate. I do not approve
of these consequent lines tending to this purpose; yet give me leave to
insert them, that you may understand how viciously minded some are in
this frothy age.
_Born under some ill Planet, or accurst,
Is he that loves one single Whore;
Who with one draught can always quench his thirst,
Ty’d to one Mistress, and no more._
This nauseating thing being removed, up came one of _Venus_ her chief
Darlings; excellent Flesh! and the her self the Cook that drest it,
spending most of her day-time about it, that she might with the better
appetite be tasted at night. Finding no exceptions in this, I was
impatient till I had consummated my desires: withdrawing into another
room, to heighten my thoughts, she declared to me her birth and
Education; that as the one was well extracted, the other had occasioned
much cost and expence. That for her part, she associated with none but
persons of quality, whose long patience and intreatments first procured
a familiarity, and in fine, freedom in the exercise of love-affairs: and
so would have (seemingly) put me off upon this score, that it was not
usual for her to admit of any to her imbraces, but such whose long
acquaintance had gained her affection. I offered her a Crown, which she
refused with indignation; telling me, that she was not yet reduced to so
low a condition, as to become so poor a Mercenary Prostitute. At last,
with much perswasion, I fastned on her an half piece; and so striving
with her, (she onely seeming averse) I accomplisht my ends. And
presently in came a fellow, whose very face would have enlightned the
room, though in the darkest night; for indeed it appeared to me a
blazing Comet, and his Nose (for miraculously he had preserved it) was
the brushy Tail. Laying his hand on his sword, he looked fiercer then a
_Spanish Don_ insulting over an _Indian Slave_. The bulk of his body
began to heave like an Earth-quake, whilst his mouth, _Ætna_-like,
belcht out all manner of Sulphurous Oaths, which roared so loud, as if
his belly had contained a barrel of Gun-powder, and the Linstock of his
Nose had fired it. His courteous Salutation to me, was, _How darest
thou, Son of a Whore, presume in this nature to dishonour me, in the
abusing of my Wife, without the expectation of an immediate annihilation
or dissipation into Atomes? But I have something here shall tame thy
insolence; and now I am resolved to set thy blood abroach._ With that he
seemed to make a pass at me: Now I, imagining that he really intended to
do what he pretended, for the safeguard of my Life, I took up a
Joynt-stool, and received his point in the seat; and following it home,
tumbled him down the stairs; and not being able to recover my self, fell
with him. My Comrade came running down at the noise to assist me; but he
seeing me rather make use of my heels then hands, followed my example,
and so built a Sconce, leaving the old Bawd to condole her great loss;
for the Reckoning was very considerable.
Now because I have often met with these _Hectors_ or Trepanning
Villains, I think it will not be unsuitable to this present Discourse,
to insert their Character.
[Illustration]
The
CHARACTER
OF
An _HECTOR_ or _TRAPAN_.
A Bawdy-house is his Cloyster, where he constantly says his Mattins. He
is an Whores Protector, pretending himself more valiant then any of the
antient _Heroes_, thereby thinking to take off the suspition of a Coward
from himself: For the opinion of Valour, is a good protection to those
that dare not use it. His frequent drawing his Sword upon any slight
occasion, makes the ignorant suppose him Valiant; whereas he durst not
do it, but when he is confident no danger will ensue thereon. He never
strikes any, but such he is sure will not return his blows. In Company
he is wonderful exceptious and cholerick, thinking in the fray some
booty may be obtained: but his wrath never swells higher then when men
are loth to give him any occasion: but the onely way to pacifie him, is
to beat him soundly. The hotter you grow, the milder he is, protesting
he always honoured you. The more you abuse him, the more he seems to
love you: if he chance to be quarrelsome, you may threaten him into a
quiet temper. Every man is his Master that dares beat him; and every one
dares that knows him; and he that dares do this, is the onely man can do
much with him. Yet if he knows a Coward, he will purposely fall out with
him, to get Courtesies from him, and so be bribed into a reconcilement.
Yet I cannot say but that he may fight, (if with great advantage) being
so accustomed to the sight of drawn Swords, which probably may infuse
something of a conceit into him; which he so magnifies by his own good
opinion, that he would have people believe that the Mole-hill of his
Prowess is no less then a Mountain. This little he hath, he is no
Niggard in displaying; resembling some Apothecaries Shops, full of Pots,
though little contained in them. His Estate lies in Contrivancies; and
though other Landlords have but four Quarter-days, he hath three hundred
sixty and odd to receive the fruits of his Stratagems. He is well
skilled in Cards and Dice, which help him to cheat young Gulls newly
come to Town; and the reason he usually gives for it, is, _A Woodcock
must be pluckt ere he be drest_. If that will not do, he carries him to
one of his Mistresses, and so both joyn to plume this Fowl: if there be
not ready money to answer expectation, a Bond of considerable value
shall serve turn, attested by two shall swear any thing for half a
Crown. No man puts his brain to more use then he; for his life is a
daily invention, and each meal a meer stratagem. He hath an excellent
memory for his acquaintance; if there ever past but an _How do you?_
between him and another, it shall serve seven years hence for an
embrace, and that for money. Out of his abundance of joy to see you, he
offers a pottle of Wine; and in requital of his kindness, can do no less
then make you pay for it: whilst you are drawing money, he fumbles in
his pockets, (as School-boys with their points, being about to be whipt)
till the Reckoning be paid, and says, _It must not be so_, yet is easily
perswaded to it; and then cries, _Gentlemen, you force me to
incivility_. When his Whores cannot supply him, he borrows of any that
will lend him ought; of this man a shilling, and of another as much;
which some lend him, not out of hope to be repayed, but that he will
never trouble them again. If he finds a good look from any, he will
haunt him so long, till he force a good nature to the necessity of a
quarrel. He loves his Friend as one doth his Cloak that hath but one,
and knows not how to get another; he will be sure to wear him
thread-bare ere he forsake him. Men shun him at last as infection; nay,
his old Companions, his Cloaths that have hung upon him so long, at
length fall off to. His prayer in the morning is, That his Cheats may
take effect that day; if not, that he may be drunk before night. He
sleeps with a Tobacco-pipe in his mouth, and he dreams of nothing but
Villany. If any mischief escapes him, it was not his fault, for he lay
as fair for it as he could. He dares not enter into a serious thought,
lest he hang himself; but if such melancholy seize him, the Drink is his
refuge, and Drunkenness cures him. Lastly, he commonly dies like a
Malefactor on the Gallows, or like _Hercules_ with fire in his bones.
When hanged, if begged for an Anatomy, it would serve to convert
Tobacco-smokers from delighting in the excess thereof: for they will
find the funnel of his body, I mean his throat, furred and choakt up.
* * * * *
Being freed from danger, we rejoyced exceedingly that we thus so
narrowly escaped, resolving to house our selves in the next
Bubbing-place we came to, that we might talk freely of this rencounter.
A place (pointed out to us by the Devils Finger) soon presented it self
to our Eyes, which we with more than good speed entered; and coming into
the Kitchin, I was not a little amazed at the sight of a thing sitting
in a Chair by the fire-side, with a Pipe of Tobacco in its mouth, and a
Quartern of Strong-waters by its side. This Tun of Flesh resembled an
Elephant for the bignesse of her Waste, had there been the least
appearance of a Tooth: A Nose she had (which with all wonder be it
spoken that she had any) so long, as that it was a fit resemblance of
the Elephants _Proboscis_ or Trunk. But, as I said before, her Teeth
were faln out; and as loving Neighbours to reconcile them, her Chin and
Nose resolved to meet about it. She bids us Welcome as well as she could
speak. Go, I think she could not; but opening her mouth, Lord, what
strong imaginations my fancy suggested to me! Me thought I saw Hell
gaping to devour me; and within that bottomless Concave, I could discern
infinite numbers of Souls whose damnation she was accessory to; and
coming somewhat too near her, I imagined her breath was bituminous, and
smelt of Brimstone. She might fitly be compared to old-Coal that hath
been well burnt, that with the least spark will re-kindle, and fire any
thing near it. But her fittest likeness is the Devil, her Envy running
parallel with his. All that the Devil endeavours, is to bring Mankind
into the same state with himself; and a Bawds aim is to make all fair
women like her: now because their youth perhaps will not admit of it so
soon, she hurries them on to it by degrees, by drinking, smoaking,
painting, and dayly excess in venery. I lookt about her house very
inquisitively, but I could not judge her Moveables (setting aside her
quick Cattle) to be worth an Inventory. Her bedding I doubt me too is
infectious, few coming near it, but they are presently taken with a fit
of the falling-sickness. This old Beldame, being loth to put her throat
to the trouble of calling her white Devils about her, had got a Whistle,
on which she used several Notes; which Musical language her Girls
understood very well. We called for drink; the old Bawd replyed she
would send for some, though she had it not in the house: this was to be
sure of our Moneys. Herein I observed their temperance, not suffering us
to have too much measure. Wenches we had plentifully; one more
especially I took notice of, to have the Swartheist skin I have seen
English born, on whom an ordinary fellow was very sweet. When I saw my
opportunity, I askt him, craving his excuse) _What Trade he was?_ Pat as
I would have it, he answered me, _That he was a Tanner. I concluded so,
Sir_, (said I) _by your dressing of that Calf’s-skin there._ This
Dull-headed fool apprehended me not, but began to be angry, telling me,
_His Trade was a good Trade, and I need not undervalue it_. I told him,
_I did not, since there was some analogy between my Trade and his. Why
what Trade are you?_ (said he,) _(I may ask you a question, as well as
you me.)_ I replyed, _That I was a Cuckold-maker. How can that be like
my Profession?_ quoth he. _In this_, said I, _You dress the skins, and I
trim the Horns._ The Bawd at this fell into such an extream fit of
laughter, that down fell her Pipe, and up came the Strong-waters that
she had swallowed: but that was not all, for having not her retentive
faculty, she let flie: surely she was overcharged, which made her
recoyl, and so blew out her breech-pin. She was forced to leave us, and
about an hour after returned; how sweet, I cannot tell you. We fell into
discourse again: I askt her, _How long she had liv’d in this house? Two
years_ (said she) _a longer time then any house I have lived in this
twenty years_: with that I concluded she was in fee with the Justices
Clerk. My stomach being waterish, I would needs have some Eggs and
Bacon: but Lord, what an Agony the hearing thereof put the Bawd in!
desiring me to desist, for she should die at the sight of them. I askt
her the reason: _O_, said she, _it puts me in mind of one
_Shrove-tuesday_ especially, on which the Apprentices pulled down my
house; and sick, sick as I was, pulled me away violently from a Caudle I
had prepared to comfort me: But they gave me one with a Pox to them, and
the Devils Dam take the Rotten Eggs in it, with which I thought they
would have pelted out my brains, after they had dragged me sufficiently,
and worried me (as a Mastiff would a Cat) till they were weary of the
sport: fearing I should catch cold, they out of pity covered me warm in
a Bogg-house. But the worst was, after this kind usage, I was to go
through a long street before I could come to an acquaintance of mine
wherein I could safely secure my self from the out-rage of these
Hell-hounds. All along as I went, a thousand Dogs barkt at me, the
street was filled with people looking and laughing at my sad disaster,
but none daring to come near me. They say I left so strong a scent
behind me, that several of the Inhabitants left their dwellings upon it,
and that the strong savour remained in that place above six days._ I
seemed to pitty her much, promising to visit her often; and so we left
her.
[Illustration]