_What a Trick he served a young man of his Acquaintance,
whom he met withal accidentally; how he was pinched with
hunger, and what wayes he invented to kill it._
I made all the speed I could to _London_, knowing the largeness of that
Vast City would afford conveniency for my concealment. But then my
cloaths much troubled me, knowing nothing would betray me sooner than
they. Whilst I was studying all imaginable wayes for my preservation,
such an opportunity presented it self, that therein it was plainly seen
the Fates had decreed of old to favour my enterprizes. As I said,
walking the streets, and ruminating what was best to be done, I met with
a young Man of my acquaintance, who seeing me, ran and caught me in his
Arms, and with very much joy we congratulated each other, and so as is
usual when Friends meet we must drink together. Over our cups, I began
to inquire after his condition: He shook his head, and so related to me
a sad story, which in effect was to this purpose in his own words.
_Dearest Friend, since last I saw you, never was young Man so
unfortunate as my self, the cause thereof I can impute to nothing more
than self-conceit, and over-much credulity; which by the sequel you will
plainly understand. For perceiving that my Mistress shewed me more then
a common respect, I concluded that she had entertained some private
favour for me within her breast, so that I began to be puft up with
conceit; neglecting my duty, and now despising the Chamber-maid, who was
before the only Saint I made nightly my oraizons too; withal, I carried
my self so imperiously, that my Master was not very well assured whether
he durst command or no. My Mistress would sometimes heartily laugh, to
see how ridiculous I carryed myself; which I looked upon as a singular
favour, mistaking her smiles for tokens of her love, when they were no
other than the apparent Symptomes of her derision. Observing how affable
and pleasing she was, I never considered the generality of it, so that
my self-flattering noddle supposed this carriage particular to me, and
thereupon interpreted this her complacencie strong affection; and by
reason she was frequently merry and jocose, I concluded her salacious or
Lecherous. Thus by the false lights of misconstruction and easie belief,
I was led into Loves Labyrinth; My Masters affairs was less regarded
than my Mistress supposed affection. In fine, I judged it absolutely
necessary to make her acquainted with my Amorous Passion, and no
expedient better than by Letter. My Mistress (as it is customary with
Citizens Wives to light the Candle of their Husbands Estates at both
ends) had her Country-house, to which I was sent by my Master, with some
bottles of Wine, preparatory for a Feast intended for the accommodation
of some special Friends: arriving, I found my Mistress had sent her Maid
to _London_ about some business, at which I bless’d my propitious stars,
to direct me thither in such a fortunate and most desired hour._
_After I had delivered my Message, I began to talk very familiar with my
Mistress: she with a smiling countenance, ask’d me, _What I meant?_ not
in the least checking my presumption, which made me more arrogant and
bold; telling her, _I was her eternally devoted Servant_; she answered
me, _I was bound to be her Servant for a time, and that I must, when
commanded, obey her pleasure_: to which last word, I added in my
thoughts the _Epithite Venereal_, supposing she meant not to have left
it out; with that I replyed, _Mistress, I should not deem my self worthy
to be your Servant, if my resolution had not ingaged me to be so
perpetually; as for my affection, it shall dayly anticipate your
desires; you shall not need to lay your commands on me, since my
thoughts shall be solely imployed in contriving wayes how we may injoy
each other, to the mutual satisfaction of us both_. At which words, she
fell into an excess of laughter, (which I judged the effects of joy) and
then asked me, _Whether I was Mad?_ I answered, _No, unless too much
love had made me so; Dearest Mistress, read but this Paper, and I hope
that will better inform you_._
Here he stopt, pulling out of his pocket a copy thereof, which was to my
best remembrance to this purpose.
Dearest Mistress,
_Frequently revolving in my thoughts the condition I now am in,
Despair stands ready to seize me; but the consideration and
knowledge of your commiserating Nature, draws me out of its
ruinating Jaws. When I reflect again on the disparity of our
Fortunes, and that it is your Indentured Vassal that thus
prostrates his affection at your feet, I fear one blast of your
just indignation will suddainly shipwreck all my hopes. I
confess my error is overmuch confidence, for which I may expect
ruine, which commonly attends rash Attempts; especially daring
to sail in the narrow Seas, without any other Pilot than blind
Love; and if I should arrive at my desired Port, I cannot
deliver my Goods without stealing Custome. But waving all
difficulties of this Nature, consider that Love must needs be
quintessential, that is not drawn from any other interest than
reciprocal enjoyment; and it must needs be exceeding strong and
eminent too, that will force its way through the greatest
hazards. Signifie my Pardon by one gracious smile, for what I
have so boldly (yet forceably) discovered, and I shall esteem my
condition little inferior to what is Celestial; which is no
happiness to me, without the auspitious beams of your favour
shine on me. And so subscribe my self according as your sentence
shall be, either the_
Most happy, or most miserable.
The Verses that were annext to the Letter, he told me he got a Rimer to
compose for him, which afterwards he found stoln out of several Authors;
a line out of one, and a half out of another, and so with the course
thred of his brain botch’d together; which were these:
_Cupid did wound my heart; I hid the grief
Long time, but durst not seek for your relief;
I found the smart increased on that score,
For wounds, if not well search’d, but rankle more.
O cure me quickly then, or else I die;
Deny not, since there’s none but you and I._
I withdrew as soon as I had delivered my Paper, giving her leave to read
in private, what my Love had dictated. About a quarter of an hour after
she called me to her, assuring me in a day or two I should receive an
answer to the purpose; and so absconding her displeasure, she sent me
with all expedition home again. After the expiration of three dayes, she
came home to her City-house: at night she pretended some indisposition
of body, and desired to lie by her self; which hearing, I thought my joy
would prove a Traytor to my supposed happiness; she takes an occasion to
tell me, _About twelve at night I might come to her Bed-chamber, the
door whereof she would leave open for me on purpose_. In the mean time,
she shewed my Master the Letter, acquainting him with the whole
business. According to the time appointed, I entered the Chamber in my
shirt; approaching the Bed, I began to pour out my Amorous Expressions;
and as I had one leg upon the Bed-side, ready to enter the Bed, where I
thought my Mistress had attended my pleasure, I thought the Devil had
waited on my Posteriors, correcting me for not making more haste. The
first lash was seconded with three or four more in an instant, which
made me caper up and down so nimbly about the Room, that for my life I
could not find the door; at last I did; speed was now the onely Guardian
I had left, and so without pausing long upon it, I made but one step of
the first pair of Stairs from top to the bottom, which had liked to have
lamed me; before I could recover my self, my Master was with me again,
which put fresh expedition into me; and so starting up, I leapt down
half the next pair, and tumbled down the rest. By this time he had lost
the cord of his Whip, and fearing lest he might spoil me with the stick,
desisted bidding me go to bed, lest I should catch cold after so great a
heat, and so with two or three parting blows I got into my chamber,
where I fell into a deep consultation with my self, the result of it was
this; I took my curtains and sheets, and tied them together, and then
fastned one end thereof to the Window; after this I went out of the
Window, and so slid; by that time I was within an half story of the
ground, the knot of one of the Curtains slipt, so that falling from that
height, I thought that every bone in my body had been absolutely broken.
Knowing it was no wayes safe to lie there and cry _God help me_, I
raised my self as well as I could, but I had not walked far, before I
found my self in no condition of going, wherefore I resolved to lie
under the next Stall. As the Devil would have it, I found a Coblers
Stall newly broke open that very night: never questioning the place, I
crept in, and notwithstanding my bruise by the fall, and whipping
besides, I fell fast asleep, so soundly, that I awaked not, till I was
forced to it with an horse-pox. For the Cobler coming to work early in
the morning (according to his custome) found his door broken open; with
that, he made an hideous noise, crying out, He was undone; for the day
before he had laid out three shillings four pence, which was all his
stock in Leather; all which was stoln, with many old shooes, nay his
very working implements; doubtless it was done by one of his own
Fraternity, that had informed himself of his late great purchase. The
Cobler entring his Stall, found me in one corner fast asleep. He took no
other course to awake me, than dragging me by the heels out of my Den,
into the Street, crying out, That he had got one of the Rogues, and
without any more adoe, fell upon me, buffeting me with his fist, and
treading me underneath his feet, making himself both my Judge and
Executioner: Thus you see one mischief attends the others heels. I
begged him in a pittiful manner to let me alone, and I would confess to
him all I knew, desiring him to go with me to the next Ale-house, which
accordingly we did. I vowed to him I was no ways accessary to his wrong,
informing him as much as I thought convenient of my sufferings, shewing
him what a woful plight I was in; relating, it was my Masters cruelty
that was the cause of all this, and no other fault of mine, then staying
the last night out a little too long. The Cobler seemed to commiserate
my misery, asking me forgiveness for what he had done, and so we parted.
Since, by the kindness of a good natured Widow (where I lie) I have
recovered my hurts and strength, and now am overjoyed we should so
happily meet.
After this we drank very smartly, but, I forgot not all this while my
design on him. After that I had pitied him, and lamented his sad
misfortune, I thought it high time to put my Plot in execution: in order
thereunto, I demanded what difference he would take between my Hat and
his, his Cloak and mine; there being small matter of advantage in the
exchange, we agreed to go to handicap. In fine, There was not any thing
about us of wearing cloaths but we interchanged: scarce had I un-cased
my self, and put on my Friends cloaths, but in came one that had dogged
me, attended by the Constable, with a Warrant to seize me, who they knew
by no other token but my Boarding-Mistresses Sons garments I had stolen
for my escape. They forthwith laid hold on my Companion, (finding them
on him) telling him, _He should severely suffer for the wrong he did his
Mistress, in the abuse of her house_. Full of horror and amazement, he
beseeched them not to carry him before his Mistress, knowing how much he
had offended her, she would have no mercy on him; this confirmed their
belief, that they had found out the Offender. The more he intreated, the
more deaf and inexorable were they; and whilst they were busied about
their mistaken Criminal-Prisoner, I took an occasion to give them the
slip, knowing that a little further discourse would rectifie their
Error. What they did with him I know not, neither durst I be so
inquisitive to understand: wherefore, leaving him to the mercy of such,
as would shew but little to him, I shall proceed forwards in my own
story. My stock was now very small; how to increase it, I knew not. My
invention was daily on the Rack, to find out expedient wayes to supply
my necessary expence. But my money being all spent, my belly began to
grumble out insufferable complaints against me, seeming to charge me
with want of ingenuity and industry, since I injoyed my liberty; for
want that man cannot, which wants not that. Alas, what should I do? I
used what means I could, having no better experience. There was not a
Billiard Table, Boards End, or Nine-Pin-yard, that I did not daily
visit, frequenting such as had the greatest resort: in a short time I
learned the art of Spunging so perfectly, that I had the Title of
_Spunge-Master General_ conferred upon me. In those places I learned to
take Tobacco, which was the chiefest part of my food; living in a manner
by Smoak, as the Camelion by Air. I fed so lightly, that I durst not
stir abroad in a high wind; neither durst I fight, lest one single
stroak should have hazarded my dissolution; continued drinking had so
washed me, that my body was transparent, you might have seen within me
(without dissection) the motion of the heart; you could have observed
but little as to my liver, it long since had lost its use in the
conveyance of the blood, for my stomack had nothing therein contained to
supply it; like an Inns-a-Court-Kitchin out of Term-time. In short, I
appeared like a walking _Skeleton_. I had several suggestions within me
to proffer my self again to my Master; but the shame to be seen in that
condition, deterred me; wherefore, I resolved to weather it out a little
longer, and try whether Fortune would once more be favourable to me. My
cloaths were indifferent good, which could not but procure me credit, if
I would make experiment. By means whereof I had gotten an handsome
lodging chamber. It was a publick house of entertainment, so that here I
thought I should have meat, drink and lodging for chalk, and chalk for
nothing. I called freely for what was in the house, which was readily
brought me; but when the servants beheld with what celerity, (_Hocus_
like) and cleanly conveyance, I had disposed of what was before me, they
verily believed in one week I would cause a dearth in the house if I
staid; wherefore, one of the servants acquainted her Mistress with what
she had observed, alleadging further invectively against me, That I
looked like one of those lean Beasts which have nothing given them to
feed on, but vertuous and honest Women; that she believed I was the
_Genius_ of some hunger-starved wretch, or a shaddow without a
substance, (which was very true as to my pocket.) When I thought it was
time to go to Bed, I call’d for a candle, not mattering whether I called
for a Reckoning. But my Landlady did; for said she, _Sir, It is our
custome to reckon with our Lodgers every night what they have that day,
and once a week to discharge their lodging_. In truth I did intend to
have discharged my self of it before the week had been out. I knew not
what at present to answer her, but I was seldom to seek in such cases. I
desired her to be content for that night, on the morrow I would have my
Trunks brought to her house, making it my Quarters for some time; and
that she should find me a boon Companion, drinking freely: _I believe
so_, she said, _you will be here for some time, or may be you will make
this your Refuge or Sanctuary for one night; and then you say you will
drink freely too, give me leave to tell you, you meant at free cost.
Sir, give me my reckoning now, or you shall have no lodging here this
night._ Do you suspect me, Landlady, said I? _Respect you_, said she,
(mistaking the word) _for what grounds, unless I knew you better? and
yet I doubt I shall know you too well. That’s a good one indeed, respect
a skinfull of Bones; a bag of Chessmen; a bundle of small Faggot-sticks.
Why, thou Haberdasher of small wares, dost thou think I will respect
thee otherways than for thy moneys? unless I should be so mad as to fall
in love with Famine. Come, give me my reckoning first, and I shall talk
with you in another Dialect; if not, I shall set my Currs at thee_ (the
Tapster and Hostler) _that shall worry thy gibb’d Catship._ Hearing her
say so, & thinking the passage had been clear, I betook my self to
flight; but running thorow the Entry, I ran my belly directly against
the Tapsters leg, that lay over the bench on which he slept. I ran so
fiercely, that I shoved his head so violently against the board rais’d
at the end of the bench, that I made his neck double; the knock likewise
had like to have turn’d that little brains he had within his head. As
for my own part, I thought that his foot had run quite into my belly,
and that pulling it out he had left his shooe behind. Before I could
rise, I had three or four about me, which I thought would have limbed
me, as boys falling out do their cocks on _Shrove-Tuesday_. At that time
I would have spared them one limb, provided that would have contented
them. But there was no mercy to be had at their hands, especially the
shrill note of their Mistresses perpetually moving Tongue, sounding a
charge in their ears. Being tyred with me, they would be revenged of my
cloaths. They would have stript me (I think stark naked) for my
Reckoning, but that one said, _Let his Cloak suffice_; at which, another
pulled so furiously at it, that miraculously, without rending that thin
transparent garment, he got it all but the cape. In this condition I was
brought before my new Landlady; I asked her what was to pay? _Sirrah_
(said she) _more then thou hast in thy Pocket_; (2 s. 4 d.) As well as I
could speak, I demanded how it came to be so much. _Why_, (said she)
_there is for Beef _1 s._ for Bread _4 d._ six pipes of Tobacco, and
three pots of Ale; all this thou hadst in less then half an hour._ I
would not contradict her, though I knew it was near an hour; I desired
her to keep my Cloak for the reckoning, but durst not threaten her for
her abuse. Being about Hay-making time, I walked out into the Fields,
resolving to spend that night in contemplation. I had now time to
_consider_ the damage I sustained in this skirmish: they had carried
away all my Ribbands with their fingers, otherwise my cloaths received
the least harm. My Nose resembled a black pudding before it is boyled,
and my Eyes were fled into my head for fear of such melancholy meat. My
Cheeks were so puft up with swelling pride, that they were resolved to
close up the portals of my Opticks, that they might not be eye-witnesses
of the height of their ambition. My Ears were so maulled with their
fleshy Hammers, that I heard a peal within my head for joy, I suppose,
that my eyes had taken up their residence within my brains. At last I
felt something about my shoulders; at first I thought it had been the
weight of the blows, but feeling, found it a part of my friend that
still hung about my neck, and would not leave me; which put me in minde
of that faithful Cloak that would never leave its Master, although his
Master had attempted all ways imaginable to leave it. I must needs say,
I loved my Cloak so well, as that it grieved me much to be compelled to
part with it. It had been a servant to servants, ever since the setting
up of the first Billiard-table, whence it deriv’d its Pedegree. Being
deprived of its imployment, and dipossest of its antient habitation, its
heart-strings were ready to break, and being not able to take a nap for
grief, turned changeling. The young man I had it of, told me, that from
the fifteenth successively, it was descended to him: but they were
unworthy to him, that having had his best days, would turn him off in
his extream old age. I have him so fresh in my memory, that I cannot but
condole his loss.
_Cloak, if I may so call thee, though thou art
Thus ravish’d from me, don’t abruptly part.
Thou didst not take distaste, and so art gon,
Cause once I call’d thee a meer hanger on.
’Twas but in jest; for had I now my will,
I’de have thee for to hang about me still.
Now I may tax thee justly, for I see
That now th’art nothing else but levitie;
Nay when I had thee, scarcely did I know
Sometimes whether I had thee on or no.
Thou wert so thin, and light, that some have thought
Thee made of that same web _Arachne_ wrought,
And say th’art useless now, unless men put
Thee like a Cobweb to a finger cut.
I love thee still, for better and for worse;
He that divorc’d us, let him have my curse.
Sure ’twas a red-Nos’d fellow, for I know,
He coming near, it was but touch and go.
But let him keep thee, for thou’lt useless be
To him; thick cloaths suit best with knavery._
Day appearing, I got me a stick out of a hedge, and so walked in
_Querpo_ into the City. I walked up and down, but met with none of my
acquaintance on whom I might fasten on as a _bur_. Noon approaching, my
belly began to Chime, I thought all the meat in _East-cheap_ would not
lay that spirit hunger had raised within me. Coming by a bakers shop, I
pretended to be ignorant of the City, & as I was asking him the way to
such a place, not caring what, I happily secured a penny loaf, which I
carried off undiscovered; I thought it not good to cumber my pocket with
it, wherefore at two bits I gave it my belly to carry. Surely at that
time I had an _Ostriches_ stomack; every thing I put into my mouth,
passed through me like Quick-silver. Going a little farther, I came to
an Ordinary, where I saw two sitting in a lower Room expecting their
meat: I sate me down in the next little box to them. Immediately there
was brought to them powdred Beef and Turnips; the young Man that served
them, came to me, demanding what I would have, I bid him let me alone,
and not speak too loud, for those two which were next me, were my very
good friends, and I would startle them by and by with my unexpected
appearance; at which he left me. Finding my opportunity, I slipt my
hands through a hole, in the form of an heart, which was in the
partition that divided us, and laying hold on the Turnips, I spake
aloud, You hoggs, are ye at the Roots? I will make one among you
instantly, and so brought out my handful; having devoured them in a
trice, I presented my self to their view, and sate down with them:
_Gentlemen_, said I, _excuse my frollick, I am in a merry humour to
day_. They concluded what I said to be a truth, and bad me welcome.
_Nay_, said I, _meat will come instantly as a supply_; and so it had
need, for we made a clear board immediately. Seeing this, they called
the boy, taxing him for sloth, that he did not bring my meat. _Sir_,
said he, _the Gentleman did not order me to bring any_; at which they
frown’d, and began to charge me with incivility. _What are ye angry?_
said I. To which they replied Affirmatively: _If so_, I answered,
(laying my hand upon a full pot of Ale) _I value your anger no more than
the drinking this Pot_, which I swallowed at two gulps, and so bid them
farewel; leaving them to call for another Ordinary.
[Illustration]