[Illustration: =CRITICS FROM THE QUARTIER LATIN.=
_First Student._ “QUANT À MOI, JE RECONNAIS SURTOUT LA MANQUE
MERVEILLEUSE D’EXPRESSION QUI DÉNOTE UN VRAI MAÎTRE!”]
[Illustration: =’ARRY IN ’OLLAND.=
_’Arry._ “I SAY, BILL, AIN’T HE A RUM-LOOKIN’ COVE?”]
[Illustration: =MISTRUST.=
_Gran’pa Macpherson._ “HOW MANY DOES TWO AND TWO MAKE, DONALD?”
_Donald._ “SIX.”
_Gran’pa._ “WHAT ARE YE TALKING ABOUT? TWO AND TWO MAKE FOUR.”
_Donald._ “YES, I KNOW; BUT I THOUGHT YOU’D ’BEAT ME DOWN’ A BIT!”]
[Illustration: =AN UNEXPECTED REPLY.=
_Father O’Flynn._ “AND NOW, PAT MURPHY, IN THIS SEASON OF LENT, WHAT IS
IT YE’LL DO BY WAY OF PENANCE?”
_Pat Murphy._ “SURE, THEN, I’LL--I’LL COME AN’ HEAR YOUR RIVERANCE
PRAYCHE!”]
[Illustration: “=THE GREY MARE.=”
_Scrumble._ “BEEN TO SEE THE OLD MASTERS?”
_Stippleton (who has married money)._ “NO. FACT IS“--(_sotto
voce_)--”I’VE GOT QUITE ENOUGH ON MY HANDS WITH THE OLD MISSUS!”]
[Illustration: =AT A GARDEN PARTY=
_Lady Vere de Vere (to distinguished foreigner)._ “YOU _MUST_ EXCUSE ME.
I KNOW IT’S AWFULLY SILLY OF ME. I KNOW YOUR NAME SO WELL, BUT I CAN’T
REMEMBER YOUR FACE!”]
[Illustration: =THE VERY LATEST DISCOVERY.=
_Amateur Astronomical Student (returning home, after attending
scientific Bachelor Dinner, where “the reported discovery of a new
Satellite of Saturn” has been warmly discussed)._ “WHERE AM I? LETSH
SHEE--(_considering_)--EARTH’S GOT _ONE_ MOON. MARS’S GOT FIVE
MOO--JUP’TUSH NINE--I SHEE TWO MOONS. THEN--_WHERE_ AM I?”]
[Illustration: =CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.=
_Cabby (to Gent who has been dining out)._ “’ERE Y’ARE, SIR. THIS IS
YOUR ’OUSE--GET OUT--BE CAREFUL, SIR--’ERE’S THE STEP.”
_Gent._ “YESH! THASH ALLRI, BUT WERSH MY _FEET_?”]
[Illustration: =MALAPROPOS.=
_Mrs. Snobson (who is doing a little slumming for the first time and
wishes to appear affable, but is at a loss to know how to commence
conversation)._ “_TOWN VERY EMPTY!_”]
[Illustration: =OVERHEARD AT A COUNTRY FAIR.=
“’ERE Y’ARE! ALL THE JOLLY FUN! LIDIES’ TORMENTORS TWO A PENNY!”]
[Illustration: =CONVINCING.=]
[Illustration: =OVERHEARD ON THE STEPS OF THE ARMY AND NAVY STORES.=
_Commissionaire._ “UNIFORMS? TOP FLOOR, SIR!”]
[Illustration: =EUREKA!=
PORTRAIT OF A CALCULATING GENTLEMAN (NOT AT ALL A BAD-LOOKING CHAP) WHO
HAS SOLVED THE PROBLEM AS TO WHETHER WE ARE IN THE NINETEENTH OR
TWENTIETH CENTURY.]
[Illustration: =A SOLILOQUY.=
_Tragedian._ “CHEAP! HA, HA! WHY IN MY TIME THEY _THREW_ THEM AT US!”]
[Illustration: =A BREEZY CUSTOMER.=
“SHAVE, OR HAIR CUT, SIR?”
“_CORNS_, YOU FOOL!”]
[Illustration: =A MISUNDERSTANDING.=
_Old Maid._ “IS THIS A SMOKING COMPARTMENT, YOUNG MAN?”
_Obliging Passenger._ “NO, MUM. ’IGHER UP!”]
[Illustration: =GRAPHIC.=
“YER KNOW, THEM BOERS ’AS BIN STORIN’ GUNS AND HAMBITION FOR YEARS!”]
[Illustration: =HARD LINES.=
“JUST MY LUCK! THIS SORT OF THING ALWAYS HAPPENS JUST WHEN I’M INVITED
TO A PARTY!”]
[Illustration: =FROM ERIN’S ISLE.=
“SURE, TERENCE, IF YEZ GO TO THE FRONT, KAPE AT THE BACK, OR YE’LL BE
KILT. OI KNOW UT!”
“FAITH, AN’ ISN’T THAT THE WAY OI GET MY LIVIN’?”]
[Illustration: =MAFEKING NIGHT.=
(_Or rather_ 3 A.M. _the following morning_.)
_Voice (from above)._ “GOOD GRACIOUS, WILLIAM! WHY _DON’T_ YOU COME TO
BED?”
_William (huskily)._ “MY DEAR MARIA, YOU KNOW IT’S BEEN THE RULE OF MY
LIFE TO GO TO BED SHOBER--AND I CAN’T POSH’BLY COME TO BED YET!”]
[Illustration: =ANOTHER WAY OF PUTTING IT.=
_Little Effie (not at all inclined to go to sleep--to Nurse who is about
to switch off the electric light)._ “OH, PLEASE, NANNA, _DON’T TURN ON
THE DARK_!”]
[Illustration: =AN ARTLESS QUERY.=
_Mamma._ “TO-MORROW’S CHRISTMAS DAY, EFFIE DEAR, AND YOU WILL GO TO
CHURCH FOR THE _FIRST_ TIME.” (_Encouragingly._) “THERE WILL BE
BEAUTIFUL MUSIC----”
_Effie._ “OH, MUMMY DEAR, MAY I _DANCE_?”]
[Illustration: =NOT A WATER DRINKER.=
_Talkative Old Lady (drinking a glass of Milk, to enthusiastic
Teetotaler, who is doing ditto)._ “YES, SIR, SINCE THEY’RE BEGUN
POISONING THE BEER, _WE MUST_ DRINK _SOMETHING_, MUSTN’T WE?”]
[Illustration: =A CONNOISSEUR.=
_Old Lady (giving a very diminutive nip of Whisky to her Gardener)._
“THERE, DENNIS, THAT WHISKY IS TWENTY YEARS OLD!”
_Dennis._ “IS IT _THAT_, MARM? SURE ’TIS _MIGHTY SMALL FOR ITS AGE!_”]
[Illustration: =ON THE VILLAGE GREEN.=
_Amateur Bowler (to Umpire)._ “HERE, I SAY! I CAN’T SEE THE WICKET. HOW
CAN I BOWL HIM?”
_Umpire_. “FIRE AWAY! IF YOU ’IT ’IM IN _FRONT_, IT’S ‘LEG BEFORE.’ IF
YOU ’IT ’IM _BEHIND_, IT’S A ‘WIDE’!”]
[Illustration: =”AN ENGLISHMAN’S HOUSE,” &c.=
_Maid (looking over wall, to newly-married couple just returned from
their honeymoon)._ “OH, PLEASE ’M, THAT DOG WAS SENT HERE YESTERDAY AS A
WEDDING PRESENT; AND NONE OF US CAN’T GO NEAR HIM. YOU’LL HAVE TO COME
IN BY THE BACK WAY!”]
[Illustration: =SELF-SATISFIED.=
_Little Griggs (to caricaturist)._ “BY JOVE, OLD FELLER, I WISH YOU’D
BEEN WITH ME THIS MORNING; YOU’D HAVE SEEN SUCH A FUNNY LOOKING CHAP!”]
[Illustration: =ANOTHER MR. WELLER.=
_Club Attendant (to stout party, who is struggling into overcoat)._
“ALLOW ME, SIR.”
_Stout Party._ “NO, DON’T TROUBLE! THIS IS THE ONLY EXERCISE I EVER
TAKE!”]
[Illustration: =ANOTHER FROM IRELAND.=
_Mrs. O’Brady._ “SHURE OI WANT TO BANK TWINTY POUNDS. CAN I DRAW IT OUT
QUICK IF I WANT IT?”
_Postmaster._ “INDADE, MRS. O’BRADY, YOU CAN DRAW IT OUT TO-MORROW IF
YOU GIVE ME A WAKE’S NOTICE!”]
[Illustration: =VANITAS.=
_Pantomime Child (to admiring friend)._ “YUS, AND THERE’S ANOTHER
HADVANTAGE IN BEIN’ A HACTRESS. YOU GET YER FORTYGRAPHS TOOK FOR
NOFFINK!”]
[Illustration: =BROTHERS IN ART.=
_New Arrival._ “WHAT SHOULD I CHARGE FOR TEACHING ZE PIANOFORTE?”
_Old Stager._ “OH, I DON’T KNOW.”
_N. A._ “VELL, TELL ME VOT _YOU_ CHARGE.”
_O. S._ “_I_ CHARGE FIVE GUINEAS A LESSON.”
_N. A._ “HIMMEL! HOW MANY PUPILS HAVE YOU GOT?”
_O. S._ “OH, I HAVE NO PUPILS!”]
[Illustration: =THE NEW PLAY.=
_Low Comedian._ “HAVE YOU SEEN THE NOTICE?”
_Tragedian._ “NO; IS IT A GOOD ONE?”
_Low Comedian._ “IT’S A FORTNIGHT’S.”]
[Illustration: =QUITE ANOTHER THING.=
_Conversationalist._ “DO YOU PLAY PING-PONG?”
_Actor._ “NO. I PLAY _HAMLET_!”]
[Illustration: =A BIG ORDER.=
_Stout Party (to waitress)._ “PUT ME ON A PANCAKE, PLEASE!”]
[Illustration: =INDIRECT ORATION.=
“OH, IF YOU PLEASE, MUM, THERE’S NO MEAT FOR DINNER. THE BUTCHER AS
BEEN AND GONE AND NEVER COME THIS MORNING!”]
[Illustration: =BEGINNING EARLY.=
“THAT NEW BOY’S A BAD BOY, TEACHER. HE SMOKES!”
“NO, I DON’T SMOKE _NOW_, TEACHER. I _USED_ TO!”]
[Illustration: =CANDID.=
_Loafer._ “ANY CHANCE OF A JOB O’ WORK ERE, MISTER?”
_Foreman._ “NO. WE’RE NOT WANTING ANY MORE HANDS NOW.”
_Loafer._ “WELL, THE LITTLE BIT O’ WORK _I_’D DO WOULDN’T MAKE NO
DIFFERENCE!”]
[Illustration: =A DIFFERENT VIEW.=
_First Workman._ “WHY DON’T YER BUY YER _OWN_ MATCHES, STEAD OF ALWAYS
CADGIN’ MINE?”
_Second Workman._ “YOU’RE UNCOMMON MEAN WITH YER MATCHES. I’LL JUST TAKE
A FEW“--(_helps himself to two-thirds_)--”AND BE HINDERPENDENT OF
YER!”]
[Illustration: =PARADOXICAL.=
_Manager of “Freak” Show._ “HAVE I GOT A VACANCY FOR A GIANT. WHY, YOU
DON’T LOOK FIVE FEET!”
_Candidate._ “YES, THAT’S JUST IT. I’M THE SMALLEST GIANT ON RECORD!”]
[Illustration: =DOTTYVILLE AGAIN.=
_Dotty One (to gorgeous visitor, mysteriously)._ “EXCUSE ME, BUT HAVE
YOU SUCH A THING AS A BIT OF TOAST ABOUT YOU?”
_Gorgeous Visitor._ “GREAT SCOTT! NO! WHY SHOULD I CARRY _TOAST_ ABOUT
WITH ME? AND, BESIDES, WHAT DO YOU WANT IT FOR?”
_Dotty One (more mysteriously)._ “I’M A _POACHED EGG_, AND I’M TIRED. I
WANT TO SIT DOWN!”]
[Illustration: =AWKWARD.=