_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ COPPER _AND THE_ JOVIAL UNDERGRADS
One Night three Well-Bred Young Men, who were entertained at the Best
Houses wherever they went, started out to Wreck a College town.
They licked two Hackmen, set fire to an Awning, pulled down many Signs,
and sent a Brick through the Front Window of a Tailor Shop. All the
Residents of the Town went into their Houses and locked the Doors;
Terror brooded over the Community.
A Copper heard the Racket, and saw Women and Children fleeing to Places
of Safety, so he gripped his Club and ran Ponderously, overtaking the
three Well-Bred Young Men in a dark part of the Street, where they were
Engaged in tearing down a Fence.
He could not see them Distinctly, and he made the Mistake of assuming
that they were Drunken Ruffians from the Iron Foundry. So he spoke
harshly, and told them to Leave Off breaking the Man's Fence. His Tone
and Manner irritated the University Men, who were not accustomed to
Rudeness from Menials.
One Student, who wore a Sweater, and whose people butt into the Society
Column with Sickening Regularity, started to Tackle Low; he had Bushy
Hair and a Thick Neck, and his strong Specialty was to swing on
Policemen and Cabbies.
[Illustration: STUDENT]
At this, his Companion, whose Great Grandmother had been one of the
eight thousand Close Relatives of John Randolph, asked him not to Kill
the Policeman. He said the Fellow had made a Mistake, that was all; they
were not Muckers; they were Nice Boys, intent on preserving the
Traditions of dear old _Alma Mater_.
The Copper could hardly Believe it until they led him to a Street Lamp,
and showed him their Engraved Cards and Junior Society Badges; then he
Realized that they were All Right. The third Well-Bred Young Man, whose
Male Parent got his Coin by wrecking a Building Association in Chicago,
then announced that they were Gentlemen, and could Pay for everything
they broke. Thus it will be seen that they were Rollicking College Boys
and not Common Rowdies.
The Copper, perceiving that he had come very near getting Gay with our
First Families, Apologized for Cutting In. The Well-Bred Young Men
forgave him, and then took his Club away from him, just to Demonstrate
that there were no Hard Feelings. On the way back to the Seat of
Learning they captured a Night Watchman, and put him down a Man-Hole.
MORAL: _Always select the Right Sort of Parents before you start in to
be Rough._
_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ PROFESSOR _WHO_ WANTED _TO BE_ ALONE
Now it happens that in America a man who goes up hanging to a Balloon is
a Professor.
One day a Professor, preparing to make a Grand Ascension, was sorely
pestered by Spectators of the Yellow-Hammer Variety, who fell over the
Stay-Ropes or crowded up close to the Balloon to ask Fool Questions.
They wanted to know how fur up he Calkilated to go and was he Afeerd and
how often had he did it. The Professor answered them in the Surly Manner
peculiar to Showmen accustomed to meet a WebFoot Population. On the
Q.T. the Prof. had Troubles of his own. He was expected to drop in at a
Bank on the following Day and take up a Note for 100 Plunks. The
Ascension meant 50 to him, but how to Corral the other 50? That was the
Hard One.
This question was in his Mind as he took hold of the Trapeze Bar and
signaled the Farm Hands to let go. As he trailed Skyward beneath the
buoyant silken Bag he hung by his Knees and waved a glad Adieu to the
Mob of Inquisitive Yeomen. A Sense of Relief came to him as he saw the
Crowd sink away in the Distance.
Hanging by one Toe, and with his right Palm pressed to his Eyes, he
said: "Now that I am Alone, let me Think, let me Think."
[Illustration: THE PROFESSOR]
There in the Vast Silence He Thought.
Presently he gave a sigh of Relief.
"I will go to my Wife's Brother and make a Quick Touch," he said. "If he
refuses to Unbelt I will threaten to tell his Wife of the bracelet he
bought in Louisville."
Having reached this Happy Conclusion, he loosened the Parachute and
quickly descended to the Earth.