_THE_ FABLE _OF_ PADUCAH'S FAVORITE COMEDIANS _AND THE_ MILDEWED STUNT
Once Upon a Time there was a Specialty Team doing Seventeen Minutes. The
Props used in the Act included a Hatchet, a Brick, a Seltzer Bottle, two
inflated Bladders and a Slap-Stick. The Name of the Team was Zoroaster
and Zendavesta.
These two Troupers began their Professional Career with a Road Circus,
working on Canvas in the Morning, and then doing a Refined Knockabout in
the Grand Concert or Afterpiece taking place in the Main Arena
immediately after the big Show is over.
When each of them could Kick Himself in the Eye and Slattery had pickled
his Face so that Stebbins could walk on it, they decided that they were
too good to show under a Round Top, so they became Artists. They wanted
a Swell Name for the Team, so the Side-Show Announcer, who was something
of a Kidder and had attended a Unitarian College, gave them Zoroaster
and Zendavesta. They were Stuck on it, and had a Job Printer do some
Cards for them.
By utilizing two of Pat Rooney's Songs and stealing a few Gags, they put
together Seventeen Minutes and began to play Dates and Combinations.
Zoroaster bought a Cane with a Silver Dog's Head on it, and Zendavesta
had a Watch Charm that pulled the Buttonholes out of his Vest.
[Illustration: ZOROASTER]
After every Show, as soon as they Washed Up, they went and stood in
front of the Theater, so as to give the Hired Girls a Treat, or else
they stood around in the Sawdust and told their Fellow-Workers in the
Realm of Dramatic Art how they killed 'em in Decatur and had 'em
hollerin' in Lowell, Mass., and got every Hand in the House at St. Paul.
Occasionally they would put a Card in the Clipper, saying that they were
the Best in the Business, Bar None, and Good Dressers on and off the
Stage. Regards to Leonzo Brothers. Charley Diamond please write.
They didn't have to study no New Gags or work up no more Business,
becuz they had the Best Act on Earth to begin with. Lillian Russell was
jealous of them and they used to know Francis Wilson when he done a Song
and Dance.
They had a Scrap Book with a Clipping from a Paducah Paper, which said
that they were better than Nat Goodwin. When some Critic who had been
bought up by Rival Artists wrote that Zoroaster and Zendavesta ought to
be on an Ice Wagon instead of on the Stage, they would get out the Scrap
Book and read that Paducah Notice and be thankful that all Critics
wasn't Cheap Knockers and that there was one Paper Guy in the United
States that reckanized a Neat Turn when he seen it.
But Zoroaster and Zendavesta didn't know that the Dramatic Editor of
the Paducah Paper went to a Burgoo Picnic the Day the Actors came to
Town, and didn't get back until Midnight, so he wrote his Notice of the
Night Owls' performance from a Programme brought to him by the Head
Usher at the Opera House, who was also Galley Boy at the Office.
Zoroaster and Zendavesta played the same Sketch for Seventeen Years and
made only two important Changes in all that Time. During the Seventh
Season Zoroaster changed his Whiskers from Green to Blue. At the
beginning of the Fourteenth Year of the Act they bought a new Slap-Stick
and put a Card in the Clipper warning the Public to beware of Imitators.
[Illustration: ZENDAVESTA]
All during the Seventeen Years Zoroaster and Zendavesta continued to
walk Chesty and tell People how Good they were. They never could
Understand why the Public stood for Mansfield when it could get
Zoroaster and Zendavesta. The Property Man gave it as his Opinion that
Mansfield conned the Critics. Zendavesta said there was only one Critic
on the Square, and he was at Paducah.
When the Vodeville Craze came along Zoroaster and Zendavesta took their
Paducah Scrap Book over to a Manager, and he Booked them. Zoroaster
assured the Manager that Him and his Partner done a Refined Act,
suitable for Women and Children, with a strong Finish, which had been
the Talk of all Galveston. The Manager put them in between the Trained
Ponies and a Legit with a Bad Cold. When a Legit loses his Voice he
goes into Vodeville.
Zoroaster and Zendavesta came on very Cocky, and for the 7,800th Time
Zoroaster asked Zendavesta:
"Who wuz it I seen you comin' up the Street with?"
Then, for the 7,800th Time, by way of Mirth-Provoking Rejoinder,
Zendavesta kicked Zoroaster in the Stomach, after which the Slap-Stick
was introduced as a Sub-Motive.
The Manager gave a Sign and the Stage Hands Closed in on the Best Team
in the Business, Bar None.
Of course Zoroaster and Zendavesta were very sore at having their Act
killed. They said it was no way to treat Artists. The Manager told them
they were too Tart for words to tell it and to consider Themselves set
back into the Supper Show. Then They saw through the whole Conspiracy.
The Manager was Mansfield's Friend and Mansfield was out with his
Hammer.
At Present they are doing Two Supper Turns to the Piano Player and a Day
Watchman. They are still the Best in the Business, but are being used
Dead Wrong. However, they derive some Comfort from reading the Paducah
Notice.
MORAL: _A Dramatic Editor should never go to a Burgoo Picnic--especially
in Kentucky._
_THE_ FABLE _OF_ FLORA _AND_ ADOLPH _AND A_ HOME GONE WRONG
One morning a Modern Solomon, who had been chosen to preside as Judge in
a Divorce Mill, climbed to his Perch and unbuttoned his Vest for the
Wearisome Grind. He noticed that the first Case looming up on the Docket
was that of Flora Botts vs. Adolph Botts.
The Applicant, Mrs. Botts, and Adolph, the Other Half of the Domestic
Sketch, were already inside the Railing, each attempting to look the
other out of Countenance.
"Break!" ordered the Judge. "Don't act as if you were at Home. Now, what
has Adolph been doing?"
It seemed that she alleged Cruelty, Neglect, Inhuman Treatment, Violent
Temper, Threats, etc., etc.
"We have no Chills-and-Fever Music to lend Effect to the Sad Narrative
you are about to Spring," said the Judge, looking down at the Plaintiff,
who belonged to the Peroxide Tribe. "Furthermore, we will take it for
granted that when you first met Defendant your Innocence and Youth made
it a Walkaway for his Soft Approaches, and that you had every Reason to
believe that he was a Perfect Gentleman. Having disposed of these
Preliminaries, let us have the Plot of the Piece."
So she told her Story in a Tremulous, Viola Allen kind of Voice, while
her Lawyer wept.
[Illustration: MODERN SOLOMON]
He was ready to Weep for anyone who would hand him $8.
Afterthought--make it $7.50.
It was a Dark Tale of how Botts, the Viperish Defendant, had Sneered at
her, called her Oh-Such-Names, humiliated her in the presence of
Callers, and nagged her with Sarcastic Comments until her Tender
Sensibilities had been worn to a Frazzle.
Then the Defendant went on the Stand and entered a General Denial. He
had been all that a Rattling Good Husband could be, but she had been a
regular Rudyard Kipling Vampire. She had continued to make his Life one
lingering Day-After of Regret. His Record for Patience and
Long-Suffering had made Job's Performance look like an Amateur's
Half-Try.
[Illustration: THE VIPER]
"There is more in this Case than appears on the Surface," said the
Modern Solomon. "In order to fix the Blame we shall have to dig up the
First Cause. I will ask Chemical Flora to tell us the Story of her Past
Life."
"My Parents were Poor, but Refined," said Mrs. Botts. "They gave me
Every Advantage. After I finished the High School I attended a
Conservatory, and every one said I had Talent. I should have been an
Elocutionist. Once I went to Rockford and recited "The Tramp's Story" at
a Club Social, and I got a Lovely Notice. I am especially good at
Dialect Recitations."
"Humorous?" asked the Court.
"Yes, sir; but I can turn right around and be Pathetic all of a
sudden, if I want to be."
[Illustration: CHEMICAL FLORA]
"I suppose that Botts, after he had lived with you for awhile, didn't
have any Hankering Desire to hear you Recite," suggested the Modern
Solomon.
"That's just it. When I'd offer to get up in Company and speak Something
he'd ask me please not to Recite, and if I had to make a Show of myself,
for God's Sake not to tackle anything Humorous, with a Conservatory
Dialect to it."
"But you wouldn't let him Stop you?"
"Not on your Life."
"I'd believe you, even if you wasn't under Oath. Now, will Mr. Botts
answer me one Question? Has he any Ambition on the Side?"
"Although I am a Bookkeeper for a Gravel-Roofing Concern, I have always
believed I could Write," replied Adolph Botts. "About four years ago I
began to prepare the Book for a Comic Opera. A Friend of mine who works
in a Hat Store was to Compose the Music. I think he has more Ability
than Victor Herbert."
"Did this Friend think Well of your Libretto?" asked the Wise Judge.
"Yes, sir; he said it was the Best Thing that had been done since
'Erminie.' In fact, everybody liked my Book."
"Except your Wife," suggested the Court.
"That's it, exactly. I wanted Sympathy and Encouragement and she gave me
the Metallic Laugh. There is one Patter Song in my Opera that Every One
who comes to my House has been Crazy to hear. Whenever I started to Sing
it she would talk in a loud Voice. She never seemed to Appreciate my
Stuff. I think the Bleach affected her Head."
"Has the Opera been produced?" asked the Court, with Humane Hesitancy.
"No, the Eastern Managers were all tied up with Harry B. Smith," replied
Mr. Botts. "Then there's a Prejudice against Western Talent."
"Well, Mr. Botts, in View of all the Evidence, I have decided to give
you a Decree of Divorce from Flo of the Wheaten Tresses," said the
Modern Solomon.
"But look here!" exclaimed the Defendant, "I haven't applied for any
Divorce."
"You don't have to. I give it to you anyway. As for you, Mrs. Botts, I
will give you a Decree also. The Alimony will be $25 per."
"Thanks."
"I don't think you grasp the Decision. When I say that the Alimony is
$25 per, I mean that Mrs. Botts will be required to pay that Amount to
Adolph every week."
"Shameful!"
"Don't be too hasty. I further Decree that Mr. Botts must pay the same
Amount to Flora every Week."
"That simply makes it a Stand-Off," remarked Mr. Botts, who was puzzled.
"My idea of the Case, neatly expressed," said the Modern Solomon. "Each
of you is Divorced from the Other, and if Either of you ever Marries
again, He or She will be jerked before this Tribunal and sentenced to
Ten Years of Hard Labor in some Penal Institution."
Whereupon the Court took a Noon Recess of 3-1/2 hours.