_THE_ FABLE _OF A_ STATESMAN _WHO_ COULDN'T MAKE GOOD
Once there was a Bluff whose Long Suit was Glittering Generalities.
He hated to Work and it hurt his Eyes to read Law, but on a Clear Day he
could be heard a Mile, so he became a Statesman.
Whenever the Foresters had a Picnic they invited him to make the
Principal Address, because he was the only Orator who could beat out the
Merry-Go-Round.
The Habit of Dignity enveloped him.
Upon his Brow Deliberation sat. He wore a Fireman's moustache and a
White Lawn Tie, and he loved to Talk about the Flag.
At a Clam-Bake in 1884 he hurled Defiance at all the Princes and
Potentates of Europe, and the Sovereign Voters, caught up by his
Matchless Eloquence and Unswerving Courage, elected him to the
Legislature.
While he was in the Legislature he discovered that these United States
were an Asylum for the Down-Trodden and oppressed of the Whole World,
and frequently called Attention to the Fact. When some one asked him if
he was cutting up any Easy Money or would it be safe for a Man with a
Watch to go to Sleep in the same Room with him, he would take a Drink of
Water and begin to plead for Cuba.
[Illustration: STATESMAN]
Once an Investigating Committee got after him and he was about to be
Shown Up for Dallying with Corporations, but he put on a fresh White Tie
and made a Speech about our Heroic Dead on a Hundred Battle-Fields, and
Most People said it was simply Impossible for such a Thunderous Patriot
to be a Crook. So he played the Glittering Generality stronger than
ever.
In Due Time he Married a Widow of the Bantam Division. The Reason she
married him was that he looked to her to be a Coming Congressman and she
wanted to get a Whack at Washington Society. Besides, she lived in a
Flat and the Janitor would not permit her to keep a Dog.
About Ten Days after they were Married he came Home at 4 A.M. in a
Sea-Going Hack and he was Saturated. Next Morning she had him up on the
Carpet and wanted to know How About It.
[Illustration: THE BANTAM]
He arose and put his Right Hand inside of his Prince Albert Coat and
began.
"Madam," he said, "During a Long, and, I trust, a not altogether
fruitless Career as a Servant of the Peepul, I have always stood in the
Fierce Light of Publicity, and my Record is an Open Book which he who
runs may----"
"Nix! Nix!" she said, rapping for order with a Tea-Cup. "Let go of the
Flying Rings. Get back to the Green Earth!"
He dilated his Nostrils and said: "From the Rock-Bound Hills of Maine in
the North to the Everglades of Florida----"
"Forget the Everglades," she said, rapping again. "That Superheated
Atmosphere may have a certain Tonic Effect on the Hydrocephalous Voter,
but if you want to adjust yourself with Wifey, you come down to Cases."
So he went out after Breakfast and bought a $22 Hat in order to Square
himself.