dining-room. 'And "see the conquering hero comes,"' said my brother.
'That's the text on the present occasion.' 'No, no, Doctor, it's agreed
we're to have none of that.' 'Well,' returned my brother, 'it reminds me
very much of Scott's story in "Guy Mannering," which records how a
number of the porters, criers, and others of like degree attached to a
High Court of Judicature were, for the nonce, appointed to determine the
difficult and intricate questions arising from a long dormant claim of
inheritance, the essential conditions required being that those who were
to determine the case should be men of _no knowledge_. So we are met to
do honour to a certain valiant knight, but are not to describe or
specify his achievements. On my word it's delightful: nothing can so
present the "Lucus a non lucendo" principle more luminously.' 'But _I_
say,' said Mitchel, 'we are here assembled to punish G.'s good things,
and not to carry out any visionary ideas of vain glorification and
self-laudation, simply to rejoice in the conviction that "all's well
that ends well."' 'So be it,' said G.; 'and here comes Hooper,' who was
greeted cordially by all present. How could it be otherwise? I never
knew the man who did not like and respect him. He was greatly amused at
hearing of the conditions of the feast. 'Truly, you ought to be called
the club of Odd Fellows; but _chacun à son goût_. It's a relief to me,
as, otherwise, I should, I suppose, have been called upon for a speech.'
'Oh,' said G., 'you will certainly have to make a speech, and it must be
in honour of Mitchel. The only peculiarity is that you are not to say
what he is to be honoured for.' 'That's the regulation, is it?' said H.,
laughing. 'Again I say you certainly have earned the title of Odd
Fellows; besides, I don't see how such a whimsical regulation can be
complied with.' 'You'll see your way out of it, never fear,' said
Mitchel, 'when you have had a few glasses of côte d'or.' 'I hope I
shall, but I don't now,' replied H.
Mr. Henry B., Mr. H., and Captain Brennan now made their appearance. The
newcomers were warmly welcomed, and almost immediately afterwards dinner
was announced. Dinners are so much alike that it would be almost an
impertinence to enter into details; it is enough to assure those
interested in such matters that the champagne and claret, the
soda-water, etc., were all properly refrigerated, and the punkah-pullers
did their duty. The table was a round one, and the party seven, so that
the conversation was general.
After the feeding was over, and the wine had circulated two or three
times, the gathering became a very merry one. By-and-by Mr. Hooper was
called on by the host to give the toast of the evening, but requested to
bear in mind the conditions imposed. Mr. H. rose and spoke thus:
'Gentlemen, I have been requested by our worthy host, under certain
conditions, to propose a toast. I can truly say that no gentleman rising
in a certain honourable House to deliver his maiden speech ever felt
himself in a position of greater difficulty than I do at this moment.
Were I a new Demosthenes, or a Cicero, or both rolled into one, it would
still be difficult to speak of a noble action without referring to it,
without describing it, and without stating what it averted. This being
so, I must leave you, who feel on this subject, I am sure, as much as I
do myself, to interpret my feelings for me, and to imagine all that I
would have said, had not your special regulation, by which you have
fairly earned the designation of Odd Fellows, prevented me. Neither do I
forget the old saying regarding brevity; therefore, in proposing
Lieutenant Mitchel's health, which I trust will be drunk with all the
honours, I beg leave to say that in my heart I believe I am proposing
the health of as brave and generous and noble-hearted an officer as
there is in the service, and if I knew of anything stronger than this to
say in his praise I would say it. Gentlemen and friends, I beg to
propose the health of Lieutenant Mitchel, of the ---- Regiment, M.N.I.'
As Mr. H. sat down there was most vociferous cheering, clapping, etc.,
and Mitchel's health was drunk in the most approved fashion.
Lieutenant Mitchel now stood up and said: 'Gentlemen, speechifying isn't
my line; therefore I feel sure that you will not insist on my attempting
what I know I can't do. But, gentlemen, pray believe me when I say that
I feel your kindness most deeply, though I have not the gift of words to
express it. I beg to drink all your healths, and thank you heartily for
the manner in which you have drunk mine. I also beg to thank Mr. H.
especially for the kind and handsome way he has spoken of me.'
'Bravo, Mitchel! A very good speech indeed!' said Mr. G., as soon as the
shouting and hip-hipping allowed him to be heard. 'Now, Doctor, we must
call upon you, who, after all, are the most interested in this affair.'
'Truly, as you have said, most noble President,' replied my brother, as
he rose to respond to the call made on him, 'I am the person most
interested, because I am the person most benefited, and were I without a
wife or family I should say solely benefited. At any rate, I have
received that described elsewhere in these words, "What will not a man
give for his life?" Sure, to a brave man, the stab of a poniard or
knife, the stroke of a sabre, or the blow from a ball, are, as respects
himself, little heeded, and are faced without a moment's hesitation on
very slight grounds. But, gentlemen, there are pangs that strike deeper,
and pangs that are felt more keenly by the bravest than any that can
affect him personally. Can a husband, think you, feel no deeper pang at
parting for ever from a beloved wife? Can a father, think you, leave
helpless orphans behind him and feel no deeper pang than lead or steel
can inflict? Your own kindly hearts, silently yet eloquently, answer my
questions. Can I, then, measure the extent of my obligations to a friend
who has saved me from sorrows such as these? Lifelong gratitude is
insufficient to mark that measure. Well may I repeat his simple but
genuine expression of feeling when I say, "I have not the gift of words
to express it." Gentlemen, I am forbidden by the regulation which has
been established, not because we are "Odd Fellows," as suggested by our
excellent friend Mr. H., but on account of the extreme modesty of that
matchless friend to whom I owe so much, but may not name. The king of
our party for this evening has enjoined us to go into no details, and to
avoid all particulars. I am thus forbidden to speak as I would wish of
that lightning-flash of intellect, which, guided by his rapid eye,
revealed to him instantaneously a danger that no one but himself
perceived. In like manner I am debarred from enlarging on that
decision--that wonderful decision that guided his action. A single
second's delay would have enabled the poor maniac to strike, and so
close and with such a weapon, death would have been inevitable. Neither
am I permitted to describe that instantaneous and robust action which
converted the internal electric message and order into practice.
Intelligence like intuition, decision without an instant's hesitation,
with courage, strength, and skill, as well as reckless self-devotion,
are all manifested here in the highest degree; qualities which, when
united, win the love, respect, and admiration of all who witness them,
and which, in addition, so far as concerns myself, have converted a
casual acquaintance into a grateful and attached friend for life.
'Gentlemen, I should infringe our regulation if I stated the name of the
man to whom these remarks refer; but it needs not, there is a _vox non
audita_, as well as a _lex non scripta_, and this inaudible voice will
teach you to whom my words apply: and also those words I have not
spoken, those words which would in part convey by sounds the thoughts
and feelings that must remain unspoken, ineffable, the thoughts and
feelings of a grateful heart. Gentlemen, before I sit down, I beg leave
to drink all your healths.'
During the whole time that my brother was speaking there was a profound
silence; when he sat down there was a hum and a subdued thumping on the
table, but not the uproarious applause that had greeted the two previous
speakers. During almost the whole time occupied by my brother's speech,
Mitchel had remained with his head bowed over the table; when my brother
sat down he stretched his hand over to him, and there was a long
pressure of hands, while both were perfectly silent.
Mr. G. now got up and said: 'The deep feeling and the good sense of the
Doctor's admirable speech seem to have subdued us all, but at the same
time to have decreased our mirth. This must not be; we are met here to
illustrate the value and the wisdom of our dear Shakespeare's words,
"All's well that ends well," so let us have a hip! hip! hurray for the
Doctor's speech, and then we'll call on one of our friends to sing or do
something to enliven us; or we'll order coffee, and get up a match at
billiards.' So the hurraying was duly gone through, and then, as no one
seemed inclined for more wine, coffee was ordered; and shortly after Mr.
H. took his departure.
Henry B. then said aloud to one of the peons: 'Will you go and call my
boy, Ramasawmy. I've forgotten my cigar-case.' Ramasawmy appeared almost
before G. could say: 'Never mind your cheroots. I've got a lot of good
ones here, so help yourself.' 'Thank you,' said B., 'I'll take one to
amuse me till my own are forthcoming; but I don't wish to lose my case.
I dare say it's in the palkee.' Ramasawmy departed, but having been
carefully instructed shortly came back to say he couldn't find it. 'Oh,
you're a stupid fellow!' said B., 'I'll be bound I find it in a minute.
Just excuse me for a moment or two, and I'll be back almost before you
can look round.' So B. and his boy, Ramasawmy, went to the palankeen,
and of course found no cigar-case.
'Now, boy,' said B., 'you know where you're to watch. Here's the
cigar-case; you are, as soon as you see the palkee coming, to run back
and give the case to me publicly. I shall then ask you where you found
it, and you must reply: "Come with me, sir, and I will show"--you
understand.' 'Yes, sar, understand.' After this little private dialogue,
B. returned, saying as he rejoined his friends: 'It's odd I can't find
the case in the palkee, so I have ordered the boy to go home for it.'
'What a fuss you make about the case, B.; you can get cigars and plenty
here, so make yourself easy, man, and take up a cue,' said G. 'There
will be four of you without me; I'll look on.' 'I'll be hanged if you
do!' returned Mitchel, 'we'll draw lots; lowest figure sits out.' 'I'm
afraid,' said Mr. H., 'that you must not count on me; you must make up
your match without me; you know that I bargained with you, G., that I
was to leave about half-past nine.' 'All right,' said G., 'it's a long
way off that now; there's oceans of time for a match.' 'Well,' said H.,
'if I do play, the match must be a short one, say fifty.' 'Don't be
alarmed, man,' said G., 'there's plenty of time for a hundred.' 'No,
no,' said H., 'I can't play if it's more than a fifty.' 'Come,' said G.,
'split the difference, we'll make it seventy.' 'So be it then,' said H.;
'let us make our sides at once. Mitchel is the best amongst us,
therefore whoever has him must give ten points.' 'Agreed,' said G., 'but
who sits out? There's the Doctor, Captain B., and Henry B.' 'I really
can't play till I hear about my cigar-case,' said H. B. 'Upon my word,
B., you make more bother about the confounded case than it's worth,'
said Mitchel. 'I shouldn't wonder,'said G., 'that he has got some notes
on pink paper richly perfumed in that same case, instead of cigars.'
'Oh, that's it, is it!' said H.; 'I really began to think he was getting
off his head. I never knew him to care two straws about a cigar-case
before.' 'It's very hard,' said B., with a pretended mock-modest air,
'that a man can't look for his cigar-case without having all his little
peccadillos inquired into, and without, as it were, being hauled up for
summary judgment. I say "live and let live;" you go on with your game,
and I'll go on with mine.'
All this was really so well acted that poor Mr. H. was entirely thrown
off his guard. Captain B. could not see very well by candle-light, so he
declined playing; thus the sides were G. and my brother against H. and
Mitchel. The game was begun with great spirit by Mitchel, who scored a
dozen before G. had made a point. By-and-by Mitchel was put out, and H.
and G. played very evenly; then G. was put out, and it was my brother
against H., both cautious, the score thirty-five to twenty-eight. 'If we
don't get on faster than this,' said H., 'I shall have to throw up; my
palkee will be here shortly, and as Mrs. H. sits up for me, I never
keep her waiting.' 'Of course you could not do that,' said G. 'Of course
not,' said my brother. At this moment Ramasawmy entered panting and
holding up the cigar-case, and exclaiming: 'I've found it, sir!' 'Where
did you find it?' said B. 'Was it at home, or was it, after all, in the
palkee?' 'Come and see, sir! I show place in the palkee.' 'Before you
go,' said G., 'let us see what kind are the cigars you've got in it.'
'Not for the world,' said B., possessing himself of the case, and
buttoning it up in a breast-pocket; 'not for the world.' 'That's too
bad,' said Mitchel, 'after all this palaver, not to let us see what the
tobacco's like; very shabby, upon my life.' 'I see,' said G., laughing;
'I say, B., tell us her Christian name.' But H. B. was off to his palkee
to see where the case could have been hidden; but instead of stopping at
his palkee, he walked on rapidly in the direction indicated by his boy.
He soon met Mr. H.'s palkee and bearers; he stopped them at once (and
being master's cousin they had not the slightest suspicion that the Saib
was cozening them), and said to them: 'Mr. H. does not want to go home
just yet, so you come with me, and I'll show you where to put the
palkee; and while you wait I'll tell the butler to send you a good
curry, and a bottle of brandy.' Bearers are very good fellows as a rule,
yet they are but men, after all; therefore, after a little show of
resistance, they followed Mr. B., who took them to the back of the
godowns in perfect silence, then qualms of conscience, or more properly
fear of consequences, overcame their resolution, and the head boy said:
'But, sar, missis very angry, not bring master home soon.' 'Yes,' said
Henry B., 'missis a little angry, but master much like to stay.'
While the boys were hesitating, the curry and rice and the bottle of
brandy made their appearance. This almost decided the matter, but fear
again interfered in this shape. 'But, sar, what can tell when come too
late--what can tell?' 'You can say that Mr. G. so good; give curry and
rice while master play. Then when curry and rice done eat you lay down
to sleep, and you make a little mistake and sleep a little too long.'
The rascals grinned, evidently relishing the joke and the prospect.
Still they might have refused had not B. judiciously vanquished their
scruples by placing 10 Rs. in the hand of the head bearer. They looked
at one another, their eyes gleamed, and then they severally pressed Mr.
B.'s hand against their foreheads, which he perfectly understood as a
sign of fealty and allegiance for the time; then he left them to enjoy
their feast, and went back to his friends.
On his return he said: 'It was no great wonder that I couldn't find it;
it had somehow slipped from the pocket between the panel and the lining.
Even when we got to the palkee the boy himself was some time before he
could again find the place.' 'Very good,' said G.; 'the mysterious
disappearance of the case is at last accounted for. But won't you, now
that you've got it safe, let us look at the tobacco? What can your
objection be?' 'Really, G.,' said H. B., 'you wouldn't ask me to do such
a thing! I appeal to you, would it be honourable, or gentleman-like, or
generous, or--or proper in any point of view? Now would it?' 'Good
heavens!' returned G.; 'you quite overwhelm me. Is there anything
dishonourable, or ungentleman-like, or improper in showing a little
tobacco? You must be dreaming.' 'No, G.; but you know what I mean. Now
don't, like a good fellow, press me. Of course there could be nothing
wrong in showing a little tobacco; but you know (don't press me too
hard)--suppose, I say--suppose it were possible that the case did or
might contain---- I say, suppose it were possible that it did
contain----' 'Well,' said G., laughing heartily and in good earnest at
the admirable way in which B. acted his part--'well, if there should be,
what?' 'Upon my life, it's not fair. You know very well, every gentleman
knows, that there are some things which honour forbids him to speak of,
and some things which honour doubly forbids him to show.' 'Game,' said
G., as he made a winning hazard and a canon at the same stroke. 'I bow,'
said Mr. H.; 'and now it's time for me to go.' 'Nonsense!' said G.; 'it
isn't near your time yet. We ran this game off so quickly that there
will be time--plenty of time--for another short game.' 'It is not so, I
assure you,' said H.; 'in fact, I ought to be off now. But I can't think
what detains my palkee.' 'Why, it's not much beyond half-past eight
yet,' said G. 'What's the hurry? You're due to us till half-past nine at
least.' 'But,' said H., 'it's half-past nine now. See for yourself'
(pulling out his watch); 'it's just half-past nine.' 'Half-past nine!
It's impossible! We haven't been playing half an hour, and I'm sure it
wasn't more than eight when we began.' 'Facts are stubborn things,
friend G. If you won't believe my watch, look at your own.' 'I never was
so deceived if it is so,' said G.; 'that's all I can say. Chasra, on my
dressing-table you'll find my watch; bring it me.'
While G.'s watch was being sent for the other conspirators consulted
their watches. Mitchel said: 'I can't look at mine, for it's at--for
it's at--I'm ashamed to mention where, lest my uncle should reproach
me.' All laughed at this sally till H. said: 'Why, what's that in your
waistcoat pocket? And is that handsome chain attached to nothing?' 'Oh,
this,' said Mitchel--'this is only for show, and as for the other, it's
only a dummy. The real Simon pure is gone on a ticket of leave; in
short, it's a case of tick, tick.' 'Well, you're a humourist, Master
Mitchel, as well as the king of the evening; but this does not prove
that it's not half-past nine.' 'Half-past nine!' said Henry B.; 'it's
quite out of the question. I've been waiting to hear what the others
said, but here's my ticker--not gone on a ticket of leave as my friend's
has--and it says no such thing: but as I'm not very precise in setting
and winding up, I wait to hear what others say.' Captain B. now produced
an old-fashioned watch of amazing dimensions, which he showed to my
brother, begging him to say what time it pointed to. 'Half-past eight
p.m.,' said my brother. 'Ah,' said the old Captain, 'it never varies a
minute in the twenty-four hours. It's a chronometer, though rather an
old one; set it at 6 a.m. in the morning, and at 6 a.m. the next morning
there won't be the difference of a half minute.' 'What does your watch
say, Doctor?' inquired H.; 'it's very extraordinary that there should be
such a difference.' 'My watch,' said my brother, 'points to half-past
eight precisely.' Here G.'s Chasra came in with G.'s watch in his hand.
G. opened it, and held it out triumphantly to H. 'I can't make it out,'
said that gentleman; 'the watch was all right this morning, and I can
see it hasn't stopped. I can't think what has happened; all the watches
agree except mine.' 'It is very remarkable,' said G. 'I really can't
quite understand, nor explain it either, unless you by some accident set
your watch an hour too fast.' 'That's just it,' said Henry B.; 'that's
what he has done that he might get away the sooner. He says it was an
accident.' 'I never said anything of the kind,' said H.; 'it was G. who
suggested it, as a possible explanation. But what do your clocks say,
G.? You have one very good hall clock by Frodsham, and a Samuel Slick;
if they agree and say 8.30 p.m., I shall think that, by some mental
preoccupation, I must have made the mistake you suggest. But truly it's
a singular accident that never happened before.' 'He says,' said B.,
'that he thinks it must have been an accident. I have my own opinion as
to that; he's an artful dodger, is this worthy cousin of mine. An
accident done for the purpose might perhaps explain the matter. Here he
comes with G., after examining the clocks.'
'Well, what say you now?' said H. B. 'I suppose,' replied H., 'I must
have made the mistake of setting my watch an hour too fast, though how I
can have done so, and not have observed it all day, is past my
comprehension.' 'What's the use of talking?' said H. B. 'The thing is
clear enough. All our watches agree, and so you find do the clocks. But
there's another proof--if your palkee were here, you would be sure that
you were right, and that we were wrong; but you see it isn't here, and
you can't suppose that Mrs. H. has made any mistake, can you?' 'Why,
no,' said H.; 'she's very accurate as to time.' 'Well,' returned H. B.,
'that must be a great comfort to you,' though he could scarcely restrain
his laughter. 'Now let us have another game,' said G., 'for a hundred,
and that will give you and Mitchel a chance of recovering your lost
laurels.' 'Aye, come along H.; we'll beat them this time,' said Mitchel.
'And as you've got ample time for play, there need be no hurried
strokes.' 'Ah!' returned H.; 'I intend to play this time.' 'Bravo!' said
G., though he could scarcely speak from his desire to laugh. My brother
kept silent from the same cause, and Captain B. was openly on the broad
grin. But all this passed off. H. was fairly talked down, persuaded by
the cumulative evidence brought to bear against him that his senses had
on this occasion deceived him; to use the popular expression, he was
fairly persuaded out of his senses, to which result the non-arrival of
the palankeen mainly contributed. He knew very well that Mrs. H. was not
likely to make any mistake relative to her personal comforts; so, his
mind being set at ease, he bent his whole energies to the play, and
right well he did play. When the game was over, Mitchel confessed that
it was H., and not himself, who had won it; and when G. and my brother
acknowledged their defeat, H., in high feather, said, 'I must say it
serves you right; you've done nothing but laugh and joke, and have paid
attention to everything but your game. If fellows, when they have any
kind of opponents, will do that, they deserve to lose.' 'Spoken like a
judge, indeed,' observed G.; still, for some unaccountable reason, he
continued to chuckle and laugh. '"Spoken like a judge!" I say, "Spoken
like an oracle,"' said Mitchel. 'Judges are sometimes wrong; oracles
never.' 'Ah, there it is!' said H.; 'it's this kind of chaff that's been
the ruin of your game. You keep on provoking each other to laugh, till
none of you can hold a cue steadily. The Doctor twice missed the
simplest canon, merely from laughing.' Here H.'s harangue was cut short
by H. B., who came in from outside to announce the arrival of Mr. H.'s
palkee and bearers, to whom he had in a moment given the welcome
intelligence that they need make no apology for being late, as Mr. H.
had not required them. In a few seconds after, Mr. H. B. did so in his
own peculiar manner--_i.e._, by calling out 'Mr. H.'s carriage stops the
way,' which was scarcely pronounced when the bearers announced
themselves by their 'hum, hum; ha, ha,' etc. H. at once descended from
the judgment-seat into the obedient husband. He lost no time in bidding
good-bye and shaking hands with everyone. 'Can't stay any longer, thank
you, G. You know I bargained to go at half-past nine, and it's fully
that now.' 'Yes,' said H. B., 'I think it's full that now; therefore
it's time for you to go. I know Mrs. H. won't go to bed till you go
home. Well, if ever I take a wife, I hope I shall get such a blessing.
Good-bye.' 'Good-bye,' said H. As he got into his palankeen, he said, 'I
thank you, G., for a very pleasant evening.' 'Good-bye,' was returned
by all. As Mr. H. moved off, he said, 'Let me recommend you all to
follow my example.' 'We would if we could,' returned H. B., 'but we
haven't got the opportunity.' 'Oh yes, you have; you can all retire
early if you will.'