laughter they had been so long contending against; it was hearty and
long continued. The first who recovered himself was G. 'I did not know,'
said he to H. B., 'that you were such an accomplished actor, B. Your
acting about the cigar-case and the supposed _billet-doux_ was really
inimitable.' 'Yes,' said Mitchel; 'he did it so well that he really
deceived me, and made me think that he actually had got something of
that kind in his case.' 'There it is,' said H. B.; 'if you can find any
_billet-doux_ therein, you may keep them for your trouble.' 'There,'
replied Mitchel; 'I agree with G. that you are a first-rate actor, or
dissembler, whichever term you like best.' 'Oh, they're both so highly
complimentary that all I can do is to bow and say, "Pray spare my
blushes,"' which he uttered with such an affected and coquettish air and
manner that again he set the whole party in a roar. 'H. says,' resumed
H. B., 'that he thanks G. for a very pleasant evening. I hope he will
find it equally so when he gets home; but, as our friends on the north
of the Tweed say, "I ha'e my doots."' 'I also "ha'e my doots,"' said G.
'I don't think,' said my brother, 'that I "ha'e any doots"; on the
contrary, I strongly suspect (if what I hear be not altogether
libellous) that he will find the atmosphere at home uncommonly hot just
now.' 'I shouldn't wonder, from his haste to be gone as soon as the
palkee came here, that he has a fear of what's coming,' said old Captain
B. 'Well,' said B., 'I agree with you, and shouldn't wonder if before he
reaches the petticoat he has an attack of cold shivers. Some ladies, for
the offence of keeping them waiting, would content themselves with
making the atmosphere cool, or cold, according to the gravity of the
crime, and the length of time it had been persisted in; but dear Mrs. H.
is of such a temperament that I am sure poor H. will find neither
coolness nor coldness in his domestic atmosphere--it will be hot, very
hot, you may rely on it.' 'If,' said the old Captain, 'he does not get
his wig combed by a three-legged stool, he may think himself lucky.'
'Well said again, B.,' said G. 'You've been silent all the evening, and
now you're beginning to come out in good style.' 'The truth is, I was
afeard to say anythink, lest I should laugh outright; and I never likes
to spile sport,' said the old man. 'No,' said G., 'I'm sure you don't;
you're too good a sample of an old salt to do that.' 'Sailors ain't
commonly fond of doing that, I do think,' replied the old boy, highly
pleased at the compliment. 'Only think,' said H. B., 'how H. is catching
it now! I should pity him, if I could for laughing.' 'I confess,' said
G., 'the fun overcomes the pity, in my mind. If a man _likes_ to have
dirty water emptied on his head _à la_ Mrs. Xantippe, he deserves what
he gets. We have, after all, only detained him an hour, so that there
isn't anything really to complain of; and he is perfectly innocent of
any premeditated crime. We can all bear witness that it was only by a
ruse that we got him to stay at all. Knowing this as he must do, he
shows himself to be neither manly nor wise,' remarked G., 'to suffer
himself to be so used; but if he likes it, let him have it.' 'So I say,'
said Mitchel; 'let him have it.' 'But,' said my brother, 'what was the
object, Mitchel, of your pretty little tale about your watch and your
uncle, and all that, when, not more than ten minutes before, I saw you
put a handsome gold hunter into your waistcoat pocket?' 'Why, you see,'
replied Mitchel, 'I don't like telling any more lies than are needful,
and therefore I evaded the question.' 'Commend me to your nice and
delicate conscience!' replied my brother. 'You tell half a dozen
unnecessary lies to avoid one.' 'Come, Doctor, that won't do. Is there
no difference in fabricating terradiddles such as these, and answering a
direct question by a designedly untruthful reply?' 'Now,' replied my
brother, 'you are turning jest into earnest; you forget the whole thing
was a joke.' 'No joke to H., you may rely on that, as he has found out
before now,' said H. B. 'Oh, let us hope,' said G., 'that the fire has
burnt itself out, and that they have made it up, and set things right by
this time.' 'Amen,' said Mitchel; 'let them fight, or love--it's all the
same to me.' It was now near 12 p.m. My brother had taken his departure
some time before; Captain B. had done the same; Mitchel and H. B. only
were left, and they now wished G. good-night, both declaring that they
had spent a very jolly evening. Just before H. B. got into his palkee,
he said, 'I think I shall call on Mrs. H. to-morrow.' 'No,' returned G.;
'you haven't impudence enough for that.' 'Haven't I? We shall see,' said
H. B. 'Yes, we shall see,' said G. 'Good-night.' 'Good-night,' returned
B., and off he went.
The next day, as my brother was returning from his hospital, at which he
had had an extra and emergent case, he saw B.'s palkee at G.'s door, and
though he was anxious to get home to his dinner (he always dined at 3
p.m.), curiosity prompted him to look in at G.'s for a few minutes. G.
said, as he shook hands with him: 'You've come just in time to hear B.'s
report of his visit to Mrs. H.' 'To Mrs. H.? Surely he has not had the
audacity to go there! I should have thought that after the little
performances of last night that was the last place he would have
ventured near.' 'So did I,' replied G., 'and though he said last night
before he left that he thought he should call on Mrs. H. this morning, I
didn't believe he meant to do it.' 'But he has done it,' said H. B.,
'and if you like I'll tell you what passed between us.' 'Of course we
should like to hear the report beyond everything.' 'Well,' said B., his
eyes dancing with the sense of fun, 'as soon as I stepped out of the
palkee the maty came running to say Mrs. not very well; couldn't see me.
I expected this, and was prepared for it. I had written on one of my
cards in pencil "Very particular." I gave it to him, and told him to
give it to his mistress, and that I would wait for the answer. By-and-by
he came to say that if I would step into the drawing-room and sit down
for a few minutes Mrs. H. would see me. So I sat down, and in about ten
minutes the fair lady made her appearance, and without saying
good-morning, or shaking hands with me, or any of the usual proprieties,
she said at once: "Very pretty doings at Mr. Goodwin's last
night--doings that I don't think at all respectable--keeping my husband
out half the night." "Oh, not so bad as that, Harriet" (we are cousins,
you know), interrupted I. "As to the exact time I can't say," said Mrs.
H., "but I know he was much later than he ought to have been, and much
later than he promised me he would be, and I don't thank you for helping
to detain him--in fact, from his account you were quite as bad as Mr. G.
himself." "If you knew all," said I, "you wouldn't say that." "If I knew
all," said Mrs. H. "What do you mean"--opening her eyes wide--"if I knew
all? Pray explain yourself." "It is for that reason that I am here,"
said I. "Well, what is it?" said the lady, becoming impatient. "But I
know"--making her eyes small again--"you have nothing to tell me; you
only want to excuse and smooth down that very pretty, gentleman-like
trick of deceiving my husband as to the hour. I wonder you were not all
of you ashamed to combine together to tell a falsehood in order to
deceive a poor----" Here she stopped. "Weak silly fellow" I thought was
coming, but she recollected herself in time and stopped, and then said:
"But I'll take care how he goes to Mr. G.'s again, that you may rely on.
And pray, sir" (I saw she was getting warm), "what may this explanation
or excuse be that you say on your card is so _very particular_?" "Why,
really, Mrs. H., though I have come here for this very purpose, I
hesitate to tell you." "But I insist upon knowing, sir, though you have
not acted in this instance as a relative. I consider you are bound in
honour and as a gentleman to tell me what you have called me from a
sick-bed to hear. Pray go on, sir. But tell me, before you do so, how it
was that my bearers were decoyed to eat and drink with Mr. G.'s servants
before they announced themselves. Was that another of his pretty little
devices to induce a husband to break his promises, and spend his evening
away from his wife? A very pretty and respectable leader for all the
young men of the place; but it's quite consistent with his disreputable
mode of life. But for you, a relative, to league yourself with such a
man, and to aid and abet him in his vile arts and practices, it's too
bad--really disgraceful! And then there's that disreputable Doctor,
leaving his wife to spend what he calls a jolly evening. As he doesn't
seem to know it, it's a pity his wife doesn't teach him his duty better,
and she would if she were the right stamp of woman; but she isn't, poor
benighted creature, with her papistry and superstition! If it wasn't for
this she'd teach that good-for-nothing, disreputable husband of hers not
to go on in such a disgraceful way." Here she really couldn't go on for
want of breath, so I said: "But what does the Doctor do that's
disgraceful?" "Does he not leave his wife to spend the night by herself
in order that he may consort with bachelors and boys? He, a married man,
and a medical man too! Isn't that disgraceful? But I suppose not in
your estimation." "On my honour, Mrs. H., I can't see any harm in the
Doctor's spending an evening with a friend, though he has the misfortune
to be a bachelor." "Oh, there are always two ways of putting things, Mr.
B., and if the company in themselves were not highly unbecoming for a
married man and a medical man and a senior to keep, was it not
unbecoming and disgraceful to help in telling a lie? You may not
consider such conduct disgraceful, but I do, sir, especially when I know
the object. Then, to make your party the more select, you could find no
one, besides the vulgar old sea-captain, or whatever he may be, and that
roistering, drinking, smoking, gambling, irreligious young fellow,
Lieutenant Mitchel, making good the old saying, 'Tell me your company
and I'll tell you what you are.'" She had nearly run herself out, but I
was patient, and only said: "Truly, Mrs. H., you have given the whole
party all round a sharp dressing." "Sharp dressing! I only wish I had
the power to do so; you'd see I wouldn't spare them!" ("I'm sure you
wouldn't," said I to myself; but I spoke no word.) "Sharp dressing
indeed! Not half as much as they deserve who invent and tell lies with
intent to do mischief and breed disturbance in families! Faugh! I
haven't patience with such doings or such people! And then your
magnanimous, generous, and hospitable friend, Mr. G., could extend his
hospitality to everyone in the station but poor Mr. Gundert, who is too
poor himself to drink a glass of champagne, though the good man enjoys
it, when he does get it, perhaps a little more than he, as a clergyman,
ought to do. Him Mr. G. couldn't include in his invite. No; a good and
pious, really religious man would be out of place at Mr. G.'s table, and
wouldn't be acceptable, I suppose, either to himself or the rest of the
set he has there." Having now gone all round the ring, and thoroughly
run herself down, she returned to the question which, in her anger and
indignation against Mr. G. and all his friends, she had allowed to
remain dormant for a time, and once more she said: "What is this
explanation that is so 'very particular,' and which nevertheless you, in
your great delicacy and diffidence, hesitate to communicate? Will you
now condescend to mention it, or will you leave it unspoken? Only as I
am not well I request you to come to a decision without more delay." She
then allowed her hands to fall into her lap, and looked me, with her
eyes wide open, full in the face. It was well for me that she hadn't the
strength or claws or fangs of a tigress, or undoubtedly it would have
been bad for me. As it was, I bore her stare without flinching, and
said: "If you will permit me to make the remark, I have been waiting
with some little patience for you to give me the opportunity of making
this explanation. I could not do so sooner without interrupting you."
"Well, sir, I am waiting your pleasure."
'"Then, Mrs. H., I can truly say that all we did last night was done
with the best intentions, and I am sorry to see that our little harmless
joke has been taken up by you so very seriously."
'"Harmless joke!" ejaculated Mrs. H.; "a nice sample of a harmless joke
indeed, to deceive an unsuspecting man and make him break his word to
his wife and thereby cause dissensions; a nice harmless joke indeed! But
pray, sir, what do you mean by your 'good intentions'? No doubt they
were as good as your acts. But what do you wish me to understand by the
expression? Pray be brief, and, if you can, candid."
'"Why, then, Mrs. H., we did it solely to please your husband."
'"Stop, sir; don't add to your other ill-deeds by insulting Mr. H. as
well as myself. A statement like that is too gross to tolerate."
'"There it is," said I. "You won't hear me, but keep on pitching into
me, and say that I am insulting H. and yourself."
'"Yes, sir, I do say so, when you have the assurance to tell me that in
deceiving my husband you did it to please him."
'"Well, Mrs. H., why won't you let me explain to you my meaning?"
'"Your meaning is insulting, sir."
'"Don't be angry, Harriet, without cause."
'"I have cause; and don't Harriet me. I don't wish to acknowledge
relationship with one who acts so unlike a relation."
'"Pardon me; I do not act unlike a relative. It is you who imagine that
I act so. Now tell me, is it insulting to imagine that your husband
likes a game at billiards, and that he would like to play the return
game, only that he couldn't in consequence of his promise to you; is
that insulting?"
'"That is not insulting," returned Mrs. H.; "but I don't see what you
are aiming at, and I know there is something behind."
'"Well, then, so far, you admit, we were not to blame. Now, to afford
him the opportunity of playing, while all the while he was perfectly
innocent of any intention either to deceive you or to break his promise,
is, after all, not a very serious offence, is it?"
'"You have certainly honourably exonerated my husband from lending
himself to your practices; but, in doing so, you have taken on
yourselves the whole odium of the proceeding." And, getting angry again,
she said: "Pray, sir, how do you know that my husband really wanted to
play and have this return match, as you say? It is, in spite of all your
ingenuity, a very poor compliment to me as well as to my husband to say
or to insinuate that he preferred your sweet company to mine, for that's
what it comes to."
'"Oh no; nothing of the sort, Mrs. H. Consider Mr. H. has you always,
and has seldom the chance of a match at billiards."
'"Thank you, sir; your candour is equalled by your politeness; but I
don't put the slightest faith in your story; I don't believe that my
husband showed, by word or deed, that he would rather stay away from me.
It's a vile insinuation and a libel. If I thought so I'd----But no,
there isn't a particle of truth in the idea. What proof can you bring
forward; what foundation have you for so scandalous a supposition?"
'"I see you turn everything against me," said I, "and that whatever I
say I only come in for more blame; therefore I'll say no more, though as
to the proofs for our opinion they were palpable enough. People, all as
one man, can't mistake joyous looks, and lively manner, and sparkling
eyes for displeasure or for anything but signs of satisfaction; but I
see you don't believe me, and that I am offending you still more."
'"You are, sir, both displeasing and offending me. I wonder how you dare
to traduce my husband behind his back in such a way, and to my very
face, too; but, as I said before, it's a vile calumny, and I don't
believe there's a shadow of ground for such an impertinent assumption;
but the moment my husband comes home I shall ascertain if there is, and
if----But I know it's all your evil disposition and imagination. I wish
you good-morning, sir."
'"Good-morning, Mrs. H.; I'm sorry to see that, instead of mending
matters, as I hoped to do, I have----"
'"There, sir, that will do," as she swept out of the room, waving me
away from her with her hand. I restrained myself till I got into my
palkee; since then I've done nothing but laugh--shook the palkee so
much, that the boys looked in to see what was the matter; and then I
heard them laughing among themselves, and I have hardly recovered yet.'
'Upon my word,' said G., 'you possess an amount of cheek that I didn't
give you credit for, nor did I think that little spitfire would let out
so furiously.'
'But poor H.,' said my brother, 'he got bastinadoed last night, it
appears; and now you have let him in for a second castigation.'
'Pooh, pooh!' said G.; 'if a man is such an ape as to allow himself to
be so used by that little virago of a wife of his, he deserves all he
gets for staying out an hour later than the time promised--to have all
the dirty water in the house emptied on his head; he well deserves the
libation for submitting to it so tamely; it is a very perfect
illustration of the "palmam qui meruit, ferat."'
So each of the parties was left to his own mood; G. contemptuous, though
amused; my brother thoughtful, though inclined to laugh; and H. B.
revelling in the fun and perfectly indifferent to everything beside.
For two months after this date, Mr. and Mrs. H. passed each and every
member of the party at G.'s with averted heads whenever they met them.
Mr. G. and all his friends saluted them on every occasion just as usual,
till at last this dreadful feud was healed, outwardly at least, by Mr.
V.'s good offices; but H. never went again to any of G.'s parties.
THE END.
_Elliot Stock, Paternoster Row, London._