me; but it's not my face, man, fascinating as it may be, that has done
it; it's his own superlative conceit and ignorance that have blinded
him. But, by Jove! I was nearly overpowered this time. I don't think I
could have kept my countenance another minute to save my existence.'
'Don't tempt fate again, that's my advice,' replied his friend. 'Drink
the old fellow's burgundy whenever he gives you the chance, but don't
laugh at him before his face any more; for, if he detects you, you'll
find he'll ruin you; conceited and of meagre attainments though he may
be, he knows military law, and how to work it against anyone who offends
him. Men of his stamp, who have little or nothing but their physical
strength to boast of, never forget or forgive being laughed at. He never
stopped till he got poor Banter out of the service. Remember, it's not
worth while to give up your commission for a laugh.'
'Well, Archer, I am schooled, and promise to be careful, and, as you
advise, never to laugh at him again before his face. Good manners be my
speed; but you don't object to my doing it behind his back, that's some
comfort.'
'So ho!' said Archer, 'you're quibbling. I want you to keep out of
danger; you know best whether laughing under any circumstances at a man
like that, considering his and your position, will help you to keep out
of danger.'
'Amen, so be it!' said Wagner. 'I'll henceforth be as grave as an owl,
and as silent as a clock that isn't wound up.' So ended the colloquy
between the young Adjutant and his friend Archer.
Shortly after the scene just described, General B. was ordered to act
for General Somers in the Presidency Division. This was joyful news to
all stationed in the Southern Division, and the reverse to those
stationed in the Presidency Division.
Within a month after General Bluster had taken up the command at the
Presidency, the season for making his tour of inspection arrived, and he
accordingly visited in succession all the stations within his range;
amongst the rest that of Wallajahbad, forty miles from Madras, but once
a frontier station, at the time spoken of merely a sick depôt for the
Company's invalid officers and Sepoys, who had returned sick from
foreign service, or for troops suffering from fever and other complaints
which induced the medical officers of their regiments to recommend them
a change of climate.
When the General visited this cantonment there were only two effective
officers in the station, the Doctor and the cantonment Adjutant; the two
others were non-effective--invalids, Colonel H., commanding the
cantonment, and Lieutenant C., who sometimes put the company of invalid
Sepoys stationed there through their drill. The Doctor and the Adjutant
had work enough on their hands, as there were often 600 men on the sick
list, sometimes more than 1,000; but no other person had anything beyond
the slightest routine work to do, and very little of that. Colonel H.,
though married, was a man who thought of little else than gratifying his
animal passions--_more canino_, the expression of his features plainly
demonstrated these propensities, and his language, which was scarcely
ever anything but obscene, fully confirmed the facial indication.
On the occasion of the General's advent, this pleasant gentleman invited
the Doctor and his wife and Lieutenant C. to dine with him, to meet the
General. I give these paltry details because it affords the reader an
opportunity of seeing General B. in private society, and in the company
of ladies. Mrs. H., during the dinner, and as long as she stayed
afterwards, said very little. Colonel H. said nothing, except to agree
with the General whatever the subject or statement might be. The
Doctor's wife was the only person who maintained anything that might be
called general conversation. The Doctor himself at first said very
little, having had at his hospital a small sample of General B.'s
amiable temper and manner.
This little display arose thus: The General asked how many sick he had
(the report had been placed in his hands almost immediately after he
reached the hospital; this he did not look at, but after folding it up
placed it in a letter-case carried by an orderly). The Doctor answered:
'Nearly 700, General.' 'What do you mean by nearly, sir?' said the
questioner. 'Answer my question, and state the precise number.' 'Six
hundred and seventy-nine, sir,' replied the surgeon. 'How can that be,
sir? You have nothing like that number in hospital.' 'No, General, only
130, which is all the hospital will hold without injurious crowding.'
'Oh, that's all it will hold, is it? But I see some empty beds; how do
you account for that?' 'Patients dismissed this morning, General.' 'But
you say you have near 700 sick, and only 130 in hospital; what do you do
with the 500 and odd remaining?' 'They are on the convalescent list,
General.' 'On the convalescent list! I ask you what you do with them.'
'They live in the Lines, General.' 'And do you visit them in the Lines?'
'When any of them are ill enough to require visiting in the Lines I do
visit them, and then send them into hospital. Those who suffer from
chronic ailments, or from debility, attend at the hospital as desired.'
'As desired!' repeated the General. 'Pray, sir, what kind of phrase is
that? What am I to understand by it?' 'As often as is considered
desirable, General.' 'D----n it, sir, what _do_ you mean? Do you mean
once a day, or every other day, or twice a week? What do you mean? Why
don't you try and speak plain English?' 'Some of them do come every
morning, some every other morning, some twice a week, and some once a
week,' replied the Doctor. 'Upon my word, sir, you have a nice way of
doing your duty, seeing your patients once a week, and the others as you
please, in order to shuffle through your work with the least trouble to
yourself.' 'Pardon me, General. I try to do my work conscientiously,
without any reference to personal trouble.' 'No, sir, I won't pardon
you; but I'll make you do your duty as it ought to be done. Now mind,
sir, I will not allow any convalescent list, and you see every one of
your patients every day. Mind that, sir.' 'Very good, General, but where
am I to see them? The hospital will not hold more than 130.' 'Don't
attempt to make idle objections, sir; it's your business to find a place
to put your patients in. Indent on the commissariat for hospital tents.
Ask the cantonment Adjutant for help; he can, I dare say, find some
unoccupied building, or can obtain the use of tents. What do you say,
Adjutant?' 'It was formerly, General, the practice to use tents for this
sick-depôt, but when the hospital was built this practice was ordered to
be discontinued, as the outlay for the purchase and wear and tear of
tents was very considerable.' 'And pray, Adjutant,' said the General,
looking disgusted, 'why did you not tell me that before?' 'This is the
first opportunity I've had to tell it, General.' 'Well, however it is
managed I will allow no convalescent list. You, sir,' turning to the
Doctor, 'do you hear that?' 'I hear, General.' 'And mind you obey it, or
it will be worse for you.' The Doctor bowed, but made no reply.
The General then departed with Colonel H. The cantonment Adjutant
lingered behind to whisper to the Doctor: 'Don't be uneasy; you'll see
this will be only a flash in the pan. The good folks at headquarters
won't sanction the extra expenditure that this impracticable old
gentleman wishes to lead them into. He wants to make the regulations for
effective men applicable to a sick-depôt, and you'll see he'll be
overruled. Good-bye.'
With the remembrance of the General's pleasant manner in the morning
fresh in his mind, it is not to be wondered at that the Doctor was
taciturn during the dinner; but being an easy, good-tempered little
fellow, he accepted the General's challenge to a glass of wine as a sort
of apology for his rudeness at hospital, and began to keep his thoughts
under less restraint; and as the wine circulated after the departure of
the ladies, the conversation turned on the behaviour of a certain
General Lloyd. This, not supposing he should give offence, the Doctor
condemned from beginning to end somewhat freely. Whether it was that
General Lloyd was a countryman, or whether the wine began to tell, or
whether it was merely the inherent temper of the man which excited his
determination to lay down the law on all subjects, or, as his victim,
poor Banter, said of him, that 'he would not allow anyone to call his
soul his own,' I am not able to explain; but certain it is that the
Doctor's expression of opinion excited his anger and indignation in a
high degree, which he gave vent to in the following manner:
'On my life, sir, you are a modest young man,' was his opening speech,
which he continued thus: 'Your own profession and your own duties are
not enough for you to attend to, but you must entertain your seniors and
superior military men, whose experience and rank and knowledge of
military matters should give some assurance of their competence to
understand and judge in such a case, with your sapient notions; you must
give them your views and opinions, and on matters which neither your
education nor training can possibly give you the means of judging or
criticising justly. In taking upon you to pronounce on the conduct of a
General of Division, in the presence of an officer of equal rank, you
assume a position that is highly disrespectful and offensive, and in
doing so you have exhibited your ignorance no less than your conceit and
presumption. You, a subaltern, not a military man even of the lowest
grade; you, who are merely a carver of human flesh, your assurance is
astounding!'
The Doctor, who had until now exhibited remarkable command of temper,
could bear no more. He said: 'General, I thought I was at a private
party, where freedom of opinion was allowed, and not in the
orderly-room, in speaking of General Lloyd. I meant no offence to
anyone; certainly not to you. If I have given you offence, I regret it;
it was wholly unintentional. With reference to being a carver of human
flesh, I do dissect or carve, as you please to term it, dead human flesh
to learn to heal and cure live human flesh. But are not those who wield
the sabre only to maim and kill live human beings more truly carvers of
human flesh than medical men are?'
The General absolutely foamed at the mouth with rage and fury. He had
been a dragoon, and had on several occasions wielded his sabre with most
unsparing vigour; he therefore felt the retort keenly. His eyes glared,
and he looked like a tiger going to spring. Whether he would have
proceeded to assault and battery is uncertain; but Colonel H., going at
this moment round to the Doctor, said: 'I have forgotten Mrs. H.'s
request--I ought to have told you before--that she is by no means well,
and wishes to see you as soon as you can leave the table. She was ill
before she rose from her place; pray go at once.' Accordingly the Doctor
left the table at once.
Having seen General B. in the mess-room, at the hospital, and in
private society, we trace him again to Trichinopoly, and again in the
mess-room of H.M.'s ---- Regiment. He had returned to his old division
when relieved from acting in the Presidency Division by the return of
General Somers, and we find him again in the mess-room, where all his
old acquaintances and Colonel P. were assembled, in order to hear the
decision of H.R.H. the Commander-in-Chief of H.M.'s Forces. It was to be
read out in the presence of all officers bearing H.M.'s commission who
might at the time be in Trichinopoly.
This decision of H.R.H. was just what might have been expected--calm,
wise, authoritative, and, though severely minatory, in the end
generously lenient. It was too long to be given verbatim, or even in
detail; a brief abstract is all that can be attempted. It expressed the
extreme displeasure of the Chief towards both the General and Colonel
P., and his surprise that senior officers should not know how to
restrain their irascible feelings towards one another when they must be
aware that concord and harmony were essential to the preservation of
discipline and the welfare of the service at large. So strongly did
H.R.H. condemn such evil example that he had determined to remove both
offenders from the army, and nothing but the fact that they had both
fought and bled for their sovereign and their country induced him to
forego the infliction of a punishment which was fully deserved. H.R.H.
added that he felt offended and indignant that his time should have been
taken up in reading long statements relating to such trivial matters as
personal disputes. He was resolved that nothing of the kind should occur
again without bringing down immediate removal from the service. He had
been asked for a decision on the merits of the case. He would give no
such decision. He found so much to blame in the conduct of both officers
that he would not waste his time in sifting and weighing their conduct
so as to determine which of them had behaved the worse. He enjoined
strict attention to the advice offered some time previously by the
Commander-in-Chief of the Madras Army, and especially to that contained
in a letter from that officer under date so-and-so. Finally, that he
should regard a strict adherence to those recommendations as indicative
of a desire to carry out his injunction to preserve discipline and
concord, and vice-versâ in the case of any departure from, or any
non-adherence to, them. He concluded by informing them that their
conduct would be under strict supervision for some time to come.
When the General ceased there was a stir, and evident rejoicing amongst
all present. The admirable sense and sound logic of the despatch, with
the extreme kindness and leniency of the decision, was the theme of
eulogy with all, and warm congratulations, both to the General and
Colonel P., were offered by all who were on terms to do so.
After the excitement had a little subsided, the scene occurred which led
the writer (who was _en route_ to Madras, halting three days at
Trichinopoly) to investigate and make inquiries. Thus he became
acquainted with the antecedents of the officers who figured in it.
It commenced in this way: The General, after having read out the C.C.'s
communication, continued for some minutes silent, walking up and down
with the despatch in his hand. At length he stopped, and spoke to the
following effect:
'Gentlemen, I can fully understand the generosity of H.R.H. as shown in
this despatch. I admire and appreciate his delicacy and his kindness. He
would give no decision on the merits of the case. No, no; how could he,
having in his magnanimous clemency decided not to inflict the punishment
due to ill-regulated and ill-considered behaviour?' (Sensation amongst
the officers present). 'For myself, gentlemen, I am quite willing and
content to bear the share of blame that has been awarded to me, in the
thought that, by doing so, I have helped a brother officer out of a very
dangerous position.' Signs of impatience on the part of Colonel
Pertinacity, of which the General took no notice, but continued thus:
'Yes, gentlemen, I say, under the circumstances adverted to, I
willingly--nay, cheerfully--accept the share of blame attributed to me,
and am resolved to set the example in obeying and following out the
advice tendered by his Excellency the C.C. of this army, especially
since my attention has been so pointedly directed to it by the
recommendation of H.R.H.
'Colonel Pertinacity, you have heard what H.E. the C.C. of Madras says,
and also what H.R.H. says respecting it? I trust you will meet me half
way in showing obedience to it.'
'Most certainly, General B. I shall pay the strictest obedience to it,
in spite of the one-sided remarks you have thought proper to make in
your present address, in which, I must in my own defence say, you were
not borne out by the despatch you hold in your hand.'
'Oh, Colonel P!--Colonel P.! is this the way you carry out H.R.H.'s
instructions? You provoke me beyond endurance; but I will not say
another word that is calculated to bring on a rejoinder. In spite of
what has been said, I believe you do mean to obey H.R.H., therefore I
offer you my hand.'
Now, to the understanding of the pantomime that followed it is needful
to state that the General stood at the top of the room, and on either
side stood seven or eight officers disposed according to their rank. On
the right hand, at the head of those on that side, stood Colonel P.,
distant from the General about three paces. The General, holding out
his hand, made a step towards the Colonel, repeating: 'Colonel P., here
is my hand.' But the Colonel made no sign of acceptance, and when the
General approached nearer to him, he put his hands behind him, and, as
the General followed him, backed down the room in that position, bowing
to the General, and saying as he did so: 'You must excuse me, General
B.; I cannot take your hand.'
'Come, Colonel. What, will you not obey the orders of H.R.H.? Come.'
'No, General B.; I cannot take your hand. I am nowhere called upon to do
that by H.R.H., but I will obey to the last point all I am called upon
to do.'
The moving scene continued, both the retreat and advance, and appeared
to the lookers on so intensely comical that they scarcely dared to look
at one another.
While the retreating Colonel was reiterating his determination to obey
the orders of H.R.H., and exclaiming: 'I will obey--indeed I will. On my
honour, General, I will obey!' Wagner whispered to the officer standing
nearest to him: 'Private theatricals--kiss and be friends. Acted for the
first time by field officers for the amusement of a select audience.'
'Hush! Hush!' said Archer.
By this time the two performers had approached the lower end of the
room, where Wagner was standing; the short, fat Colonel, with his hands
behind him, his dress coat-tails spread, one on either side of that
portion of his person rendered prominent by his bowing posture, and not
posterior but anterior by the back step mode of progression. The sight
presented was altogether too much for Wagner's equanimity. He again
whispered to Archer: 'Heaven preserve us! I have served in the trenches
at Sebastopol, and thought I was acquainted with every kind of explosive
missile, bomb, and shell in use; but anything so large and formidable
as that now slowly ricochetting this way I never beheld. Pray God its
force is spent. If an accident should occur, only think what would be
our fate!'
'Hold still, Wagner! Will you never get sense?' retorted his friend.
At this point the General, beginning to perceive the absurdity of the
situation, ceased to advance, and, drawing himself up stiffly, said:
'You refuse my hand, Colonel Pertinacity? So be it, then; you ought to
know the responsibility you incur by this line of conduct, and I shall
press you no further. I waived my rank for the sake of peace, and to set
you an example which, I am sorry to see, you are unable to appreciate.'
So saying, and with a salute to all present, he marched off, as Archer
said, 'with the honours of war.'
'No, no,' said Wagner. 'With the honours of peace. And a more
entertaining _piece_ I must confess I never witnessed. What I endured in
conquering my desire to laugh no one can imagine; but, say as you will,
I don't believe all the sufferings of all the martyrs were anything to
be compared to it.'
These private theatricals were, so far as ever I could learn, never made
known officially to headquarters; but it was strongly suspected that the
details of the performance somehow or other oozed out, and found their
way to the ears of authority, for within a week after the date on which
this remarkable _pas de deux_ had been exhibited in the mess-house at
Trichinopoly, General Somers was posted to the Mysore Division, and
General B. was appointed to the Presidency Division, as it was said,
that he might be under the eye of the C.C., on the principle that
induces men to put a severe muzzle on a savage and intractable dog.
Colonel Pertinacity was, not many months afterwards, placed in command
of a regiment ordered to the West Indies.
No. X.
CURIOUS MOPLAH CUSTOMS.
The deed of violence which forms the basis of this narrative took place
at Tollicherry, or rather in that district. How it was that my brother
came to be stationed there will appear in due course. We left him at
Bangalore, from whence he marched with his regiment to Secunderabad. He
had not been there many months when an order was received directing the
regiment to proceed with all possible speed to Scinde, where troops were
urgently required. Some weeks before the order in question reached
Secunderabad, my brother, finding that the climate of the Deccan did not
agree with him, had applied for and obtained medical charge of the
Zillah of Tollicherry; but as soon as he heard there was a chance of
being engaged in active service, he had applied for permission to throw
up the Zillah and to proceed with his regiment, and this was granted. He
had, consequently, marched with the regiment from Secunderabad to
Doolia, a distance of 600 miles, on the road for Scinde. The men had
shown the best spirit, urged by their officers to do their utmost, and
knowing that they were going to serve under Sir Charles Napier. They had
accomplished the distance in an incredibly short period, but all their
exertions, as it turned out, were of no avail. Sir Charles had fought
his grand battle of Miani, and the regiment was no longer wanted.
With this chilling news came the order to halt and to divide. One wing
was to remain at Doolia, the other to proceed to Assurghur. There never
was such a melancholy change among officers and men as that produced by
this order. Previous to its receipt there was not an officer or man on
sick report; all were in the highest spirits, and, in spite of fatigue,
earnest to get on, lively, cheerful, and happy. In a few hours there was
neither a happy face nor a cheerful voice to be seen or heard.
Disappointment, vexation, and dejection were on every countenance. In a
few days half the regiment was in hospital, and nearly half the officers
on sick report. My poor brother had a sad time of it; besides his own
share of vexation and disappointment, he was worked off his legs.
Now he renewed his application for the Zillah of Tollicherry, which, in
consideration of the proper feeling he had displayed, was again bestowed
on him. To reach this station, from the place where he then was
(Doolia), he had to travel 200 miles to Bombay, and from thence to
proceed by sea to Tollicherry, a distance of about 800 miles. At that
time the south-west monsoon was close at hand, and my brother,
consequently, found it very difficult to procure a vessel that would
undertake the voyage. At last, by paying double hire, he chartered a
_Satamar_ (called by the natives a Fatty mary), the owners and the
serang engaging to take the risk, which in the sequel proved to be so
fearful that it seems a miracle how ship or crew ever lived through it.