general unloosing of tongues, bursts of laughter were unrestrained, and
there was much rejoicing over the fun of the evening, and much fresh
merriment. The next morning, rather before the customary hour for
visiting, Mrs. B. and Lieutenant Mac----ny called on Mrs. C. and Miss
Freeman, for the purpose of enlightening them as to the playful
deception that had been practised on the previous evening, which Mrs. B.
confessed she had originated. Miss Freeman was at first a little put
out, and Mrs. C. was extremely astonished; but very soon both ladies
yielded to Mrs. B.'s fascinating manner and strong feeling for fun and
frolic, aided by the dragoon's rollicking good-humour and handsome
apologies; in short, they were so pleased with their visitors that they
quite forgot every feeling of annoyance, and agreed that as the
gentleman had supported his assumed character so well, he was still to
be 'Sir Charles' with them, as it is hoped he will be with all who love
a harmless joke.
No. IX.
A REMINISCENCE OF TRICHINOPOLY.
To make a scene is generally considered, and really is in most cases, an
unfailing method of affording amusement to the bystanders, and as this
amusement is always at the expense of the actors, such performances are
very generally avoided. No one willingly, except under unusual and
extreme provocation, will run the risk of making himself ridiculous,
which making a scene almost always involves. For these reasons
exhibitions of this kind are rare, very rare. The fiat of polite society
has gone forth; this fiat announces that performances of this kind are
forbidden, tabooed. Who is there that has not repeatedly heard, in his
or her younger days, that so and so, or anything of that kind, 'is a
breach of etiquette;' 'the refinement of the age does not permit it;' or
'good taste and good manners will not sanction such expressions of
feeling,' etc.? Yet, notwithstanding all these clearly defined laws,
unalterable as those of the Medes and Persians, we know that scenes in
high life, as well as in low life, do occur; and sometimes even in
military life, despite the stringent restrictions of discipline which
are superadded to those already mentioned.
Having by accident, or by good luck, if the reader prefers the latter
phrase, been present at an exhibition of this nature, which occurred
many years ago at Trichinopoly, and having been much diverted by it, I
have endeavoured by the aid of my pen to present it to the reader. I
feel painfully the impossibility of conveying by this means what should
have been witnessed to be fully appreciated--the looks, the tones, the
expression of the faces, the actions, and the attitudes, cannot be given
by the pen; and in the attempt to describe them, the essence of the fun,
the humour of the scene, evaporates. Even were such a thing possible,
the repetition of such a scene would be tame compared with the original
performance. On all these accounts, I trust that the shortcomings of my
attempt will be judged with generosity and with leniency. In this hope,
I shall strive to the utmost with the difficulties of my task, so that
if I cannot achieve success, I may at least fail with some degree of
credit.
I shall now, as the first step in the execution of this my
self-appointed task, endeavour to describe as accurately as I can the
actors and the scene. But it is needful for the full understanding of
the comedy that I should also explain (so far as I am cognizant of them)
what the circumstances were that led up to it. The actors were
Lieutenant-General Blundermore Bluster, K.C.B., commanding the southern
division of the Madras Presidency; and Colonel Prolix Pertinacity, C.B.,
and V.C. commandant of H.M.'s ---- Regiment of Infantry, stationed at
Trichinopoly.
The General was a man of large and burly form, six feet two inches in
height, and of proportionate bulk. His countenance expressed
unmistakably the high estimation in which he held himself and all his
belongings, even his goods and chattels--everything, in fact, that was
_his_, and, above all, _his_ views and opinions. These last he seemed to
regard almost as things sacred, and not to be questioned. With this was
conjoined a manner that expressed a sort of lofty indifference, if not
contempt, for all surroundings, both men and things; regarding all those
who ventured to differ from him in opinion on any subject as guilty of
gross impertinence, as well as bereft of common-sense, the fact of the
disagreement proving their folly.
Colonel Prolix Pertinacity was a red-haired gentleman, who stood five
feet four inches in his shoes, with a broad bald head, bull neck, and
massive shoulders, of greater bulk even than the General's, and of such
corpulent body that he could almost say with Falstaff that it was a long
time since he had seen his own knee. His countenance expressed
unconquerable determination, but was nevertheless frank and open when
not under excitement; it was also evident that he possessed a fiery,
quick, irritable temper, and an undaunted, immovable disposition.
From these outline sketches of these two officers, it may readily be
inferred that they did not and could not agree. There had been, indeed,
during nearly two years constant misunderstandings and altercations
between them, causing unpleasant references to higher authority. Colonel
Pertinacity considered himself ill-used, oppressed, and tyrannically
dealt with; the General complained of disrespect, and unmilitary conduct
almost amounting to insubordination, and generally of behaviour to the
prejudice of good order and military discipline. He had on several
occasions sent the Colonel home with a public reprimand, and had
threatened ulterior proceedings. In reply to the references that had, up
to this time, been made, it appeared that his Excellency the
Commander-in-Chief of the Madras Army did not take exactly the same view
of Colonel P.'s conduct that General Bluster did; at all events, nothing
very serious came of the General's references and complaints, and
Colonel P. always returned to his duty without having received any
damaging reprimand or 'wigging' (as the phrase is) from the higher
powers. He was advised to be more cautious and circumspect in his
behaviour towards the General in future, and to avoid if possible any
expression capable of misconstruction, and, finally, not to insist on
his own view of affairs so determinedly as he seemed to have done, etc.,
etc. What was said on these occasions to General Bluster was only known
to himself, and perhaps to his staff; but as he did not communicate the
contents of all the letters received from the Chief, it was strongly
surmised that these letters were not all sugar-candy. However this may
have been, the general opinion of the officers in the cantonment, and of
the society at large, was rather in favour of the Colonel, although some
took the part of the General. The argument used by these persons was
usually something to this effect: 'Why does Colonel P. persist in
maintaining his opinions when they differ from those of the General? If
he is ever so right, what does it matter? Why does he not suffer the old
gentleman to have his say without contradiction? What can the opinions
of any such grand sample of bombastic self-sufficiency signify?' To this
it was replied by those who took the part of the Colonel that so long as
the General's remarks applied to abstract opinions, or to things in
general, it would be wise on the Colonel's part to hear and say nothing;
but that the General did not confine himself to any such line, or,
indeed, to any line at all, but in the amplitude of his observations
frequently made assertions that bore hard on others, not merely in their
capacity as officers, but as men, many of whom, having received a much
better education than the speaker, were in a manner called upon to admit
his assertions as facts, although they knew the statements to be
erroneous.
Instances of this love of dictation, and the determination to lay down
the law on all subjects, whether military or not, were constantly
occurring, not seldom to the discredit of the General's scholarship. One
day he downfaced young Arnold on a point on which the 'sub' was far
ahead of him. The youngster was saying something about platinum to some
of the other young lads, who, though they may have been well up in
Euclid, and in fortifications, and could give you back accurately all
that they had learned about 'momentum, velocity, and the square of
distances whether inverse or not,' were not quite so well up in physics
or chemical analysis. In reply to one of these young gentlemen who had
been asking questions about platinum, Arnold stated that it was an
elementary substance, adding that it was one of the sixty-three such
substances.
'Hulloa!' cried the General. 'What's that you say, Arnold--sixty-three
elements? I fancy your elementary education has been rather neglected,
my lad. Don't you know, having so lately come from school, that there
are only four elements--air, earth, fire, and water? Why, they knew that
as far back as the days of Aristotle!'
Poor Arnold, not knowing the General's ways (he had only just joined),
unconsciously replied: 'They don't teach that nowadays, General.' One of
the young men who had been at Sandhurst with him whispered Arnold not to
say anything; but he, knowing no reason why he should be silent, replied
as I have stated, and thereby drew on himself the extreme anger and
indignation of the General. 'Do you mean seriously to tell me that, sir?
Do you mean to say that the small men of these days pretend to be wiser
than Sir Isaac Newton, the greatest philosopher the world ever produced?
He never said that there were sixty-three elements, and you, a youth not
twenty, just free from the pedagogue's ferula--you pretend to be wiser
than that great man, and all your seniors beside.'
Arnold was going to say something, when luckily the General stopped him
with a violent gesture and angry visage, saying: 'Go home, sir, and if
you learn nothing else, learn a little respect for your superiors.' Poor
Arnold was kindly hustled out of the mess-house where this little
episode occurred, lest, as one of his friends from the Land of Cakes
said, 'waur should come of it.'
The General seemed to be partial to Aristotle and his philosophy,
although he was not able to read the easiest class-book in the original
language. He had, however, made acquaintance with the famous old Greek
through the medium of translations, and was ever ready to do battle in
his defence.
He fought furiously on one occasion to prove that Nature abhors a
vacuum, and stormed so violently against those who expressed any doubts
as to the accuracy of the dogma, that the innocent old philosopher, who
had been at rest since the days of Alexander, might really have thought
that his disciple meant to harry him out of his grave, such was the din
and uproar made. And when the doctor of the regiment presumed to suggest
that Torricelli had proved that it was the pressure of the atmosphere
that had produced the phenomena that Aristotle had mistaken for Nature's
abhorrence of a vacuum, the unfortunate man received such a torrent of
abuse, delivered with such tremendous emphasis and vociferation, and
such tremendous gestures, that he was glad to make his escape, as soon
as he could find an opportunity, without saying another word. But he did
not depart without receiving a closing broadside from the General. 'I
should advise you, Mr. Cutter, in future,' said the General, 'to be
cautious how you expose yourself to the ridicule of your friends, and to
beware of venturing on such a palpable absurdity as to compare a paltry
Italian fellow, like your Torricelli, with one of the sages of
antiquity; perhaps I might say, considering Aristotle as the founder of
the syllogistic method of reasoning, the greatest of those great men.'
Cutter departed, after making his salute, a wiser and a sadder man,
whispering to the Adjutant as he went out: 'O tempora! O mores! Well, he
did not eat me alive, which I thought at one time he was inclined to
do.' As Cutter left the mess-house, the General observed: 'What a silly
conceited little fellow that is to presume to enter on subjects of which
he evidently knows nothing! I shouldn't wonder, in his impudence, that
this little carver of human flesh would impugn the syllogistic method,
although it has been adopted and followed at both our great seats of
learning and knowledge.'
'I greatly fear, General,' said Wagner, the Adjutant, 'that if you
question him you'll find Cutter as much a heretic in this matter as in
that of the vacuum.'
'Oh, he is, is he?' said the General. 'Well, tell him to dispute the
following: "All men are liable to error; in other words, all men are
more or less unwise and foolish. Cutter is a man, therefore he is unwise
and foolish." There,' said the General; 'let him digest that at his
leisure.'
'I heard him the other day,' said Wagner, 'trying to apply the
syllogistic method to a saying of some old fellow of Crete, who said
that "all the Cretans were liars," and he bothered me by asking whether
the Cretan spoke the truth. I told him I couldn't tell. "Not tell?" said
he. "Why, if the first proposition was true, then the gentleman who
announced it, being a Cretan, must be a liar; and if that proposition
was not true, then he was equally a liar for having spoken a falsehood."
I confess I couldn't make anything more of it; but perhaps, General, as
you understand the syllogistic method so well, you could make something
of it.'
General B. looked hard at Lieutenant Wagner, but for a time said
nothing, and then said: 'Well, I'll think of it.'
Wagner during the whole time preserved a most imperturbably serious
countenance. When the General was gone, Archer, the Quartermaster, said
to Wagner: 'Well, you have the cheek of the devil, Wagner; but take care
that you don't one of these fine days come to grief. I half suspect that
at one time he thought you were laughing at him.'
'Laughing at him!' exclaimed Wagner. 'How could you imagine such a
thing? I'd as soon laugh at a boa constrictor when he had his folds
round me.'
'Well, well,' returned Archer, 'so be it; but pray be careful, and
remember that however ridiculous his pretensions to learning or science
may be, he'll be a very ugly customer to deal with.'
'Ugly enough, certainly,' added Wagner, and then walked off. And so this
dialogue ended.
On another occasion a very hot passage of arms occurred between the
General and Colonel P. on the then vexed question of the relative
superiority of the two arms--cavalry and infantry. The great
improvements made since that day in the manufacture of small arms have
put that question to rest, but at the time here referred to there were
high authorities and great names on both sides.
General B., who had been a cavalry officer, insisted vehemently on the
superiority of mounted men, declaring that it was simply nonsense to
dispute the point, and that a cavalry charge would always break any
square or infantry formation if made with sufficient impetuosity and
pushed home as it might be. At first no one, as most of those present
knew the General's amiable temper and pleasant mode of arguing against
those who differed from him, said anything. The General, taking silence
for consent, rattled away at a great rate, bespattering all who could
entertain any other opinion than his own very handsomely--blind and
prejudiced buzzards, owls who loved the dark, gentlemen whose long ears
betrayed their nature, etc., etc. 'Well, at least it's satisfactory to
find,' he concluded, 'that I have knocked the nonsense out of some who
formerly held opposite opinions.'
This was too much for poor Colonel Pertinacity, who could hold his peace
no longer. 'If, General Bluster, your remarks have any reference to me,
which I can hardly suppose, I am still unwilling to let you think that I
have altered my opinion as to the superiority of infantry over every
other arm used in modern warfare.'
'Well, sir,' said the General, 'I can only say I am sorry for you; I had
incautiously given you credit for being wiser.'
'And I, in reply,' said the Colonel, 'beg of you to reserve your sorrow,
as I do not think that I stand in need of it in the slightest degree
while the Duke of Wellington and other great men are of my opinion. You
may well spare your sorrow.'
The General, under great excitement, very red in the face, exclaimed:
'The Duke, sir, has never expressed any decisive opinion on the subject.
Show me where he has done so.'
'He _has_ expressed a very decisive opinion by his deeds, General,'
replied Colonel P. 'Our squares at Waterloo resisted all the desperate
charges of the French cuirassiers and other kinds of cavalry.'
'And if they did, sir, what's that to the argument?' replied the
General. 'If the French had been in square, and our cavalry had been
numerous enough, and had charged them thoroughly home, the opposite
result would have been obtained.'
'It might have been so, General,' observed the Colonel, 'but I don't
admit that it would have been so.'
'Of course you don't,' said the General, with a withering sneer; 'I
never expected that you would. But you are not ignorant, I suppose, that
one even of our regiments was nearly cut to pieces by the French cavalry
at Quatre Bras?'
'True, General, I am not ignorant of the fact; but you seem to have
forgotten that this occurred because the regiment was charged before it
had time to form square.'
'And I say,' shouted out the General with an infuriated look and manner,
'that if the charge had been made, as it ought and could have been made,
that the result would and ought to have been the same.' (The Colonel
shook his head). 'It is useless to shake your head, sir. Independent of
the common-sense of the thing there are proofs without number to be
adduced that show the superiority of the cavalry arm over the infantry.
You are fond of examples and of authorities? Pray how did Condé win the
battle of Rocroi, and how did he break the Spanish infantry, considered
then the best in Europe?' And with a triumphant laugh: 'Tell me, sir,
how did Bonaparte retrieve his lost battle of Marengo? Was Kellermann's
charge one of cavalry or infantry? Tell me that, sir.'
Colonel P., however, stood his ground firmly in spite of this deluge of
words and array of facts; and without imitating the General's insulting
manner, said: 'The battle of Rocroi was fought in days when the mode of
warfare and the power of the weapons used was very different from those
now employed; it is for these reasons scarcely applicable to the
argument.'
The General laughed, saying: 'Of course you think it inapplicable; but,
come, sir, what do you say to the charge at Marengo--was that
inapplicable too?'
'No, General, certainly not; but it was made under most favourable
circumstances for its success. The Austrian troops were in such an
extended and attenuated line that they could make no adequate
resistance, and the French squadrons rode through them as they would
through a field of stubble.'
'As I would ride through you and your infantry people,' added the
General, 'if they were opposed to me.'
The Colonel, whose blood was now thoroughly roused, laughed scornfully,
saying: 'I should be sorry for your own sake, General, and that of your
men, that you should try such an experiment, for you would never live to
try another; aye, even if we were in line; but if we were in square we
should drive you before us like chaff before the wind.'
'Very good, sir, very good,' said the General, scarcely able to
articulate from rage. 'Go to your quarters, and remain there till I
ascertain from the Chief if he approves of such language and behaviour
to the officer commanding the division.'
The Colonel was about to reply, when a man of herculean strength,
Captain Carter, Adjutant-General of Division, acting as if by order of
the General, said: 'You are to come with me, Colonel,' and actually by
main force almost carried him out of the room. As he was forcing the
Colonel away, he whispered: 'Are you mad? Do you want to give him such
an advantage over you as will end by depriving you of your commission?
For God's sake, Colonel, collect yourself; he'll stop at nothing now.'
This encounter between the General and Colonel Pertinacity caused
another reference to the Chief of the Madras Army, a man of great
experience, enlarged mind, and kindly disposition, who entirely
disapproved of the conduct both of the General and the Colonel. To each
of these officers he gave very sound advice, strongly urging on them the
necessity of altering their behaviour towards one another. The Chief
added his hope that he should not again be troubled by any such
unbecoming and indecorous altercations, but that if, contrary to his
instructions and commands, there should be any recurrence of such
doings, it would be his duty to submit the whole matter to the
consideration of H.R.H. the Commander-in-Chief of the British Army.
As well might Mrs. Partington with her mop attempt to stop the ocean's
incoming tide, as the Commander-in-Chief of the Madras Army attempt, by
command or recommendations, to restrain and subdue the angry passions of
these two disputants. His advice and injunctions, embodied in the words
self-control, common-sense, and good temper, were thrown away upon them.
Both parties prepared long statements setting forth their views and
feelings, and explanatory of their real or supposed injuries. Both
prayed that these papers might be laid before H.R.H., along with such
remarks as H.E. the C.C. of Madras might please to make. The General's
statement was little more than a recapitulation of what he had said
before. The Colonel's was also in great part a recapitulation, one
passage excepted, which so forcibly expressed the writer's feelings as
to deserve quotation. It was introduced as the climax of a long
description of his wrongs and sufferings, and it was couched in these
words: 'I do assure your R.H. that an angel from heaven could not serve
under General Sir Blundermore Bluster.'
These papers, after more than one kindly attempt on the part of
authority and of friends to prevent their going forward, were at last
sent home, and in due time we shall see what H.R.H. thought of the
proceedings they set forth.
In the meantime we will for the present remain with General Sir B. B.,
and listen to the remarks he is uttering as he stamps about the
mess-room. He did not even wait till Colonel P. was out of it before he
turned to Wagner, and said: 'Really, in the whole course of my
experience, I never knew anything to equal Colonel P.'s behaviour; one
would almost think that he was bereft of his senses. I do not say
anything of his disrespect to me--that must be left to the authorities
to pronounce upon; but to make such an _exposé_ of his ignorance and
want of knowledge on matters pertaining to his profession is not only
lamentable, but in the highest degree absurd.'
'I cannot help thinking, General, that such exposure is absurd,' replied
Wagner.
'Absurd, indeed,' said the General, 'absurd and ridiculous.'
'Yes,' answered Wagner, 'very ridiculous; I fancy we all thought so.'
'Of course you did; I don't see how you could think anything else. And
before officers immediately under his command, too; it's much to be
lamented, but, notwithstanding, I can't help saying it is very
ridiculous.'
'No doubt, General, truly ridiculous.' Wagner was now almost _in
extremis_; something affected his articulation so that he could scarcely
speak, and it seemed that it would have been impossible for him to have
sustained his part much longer. Luckily the General himself came to his
relief in an unexpected way. 'Wagner,' said he, 'you're a very sensible
fellow, come and dine with me to-morrow at 6.30 precise, and I'll give
you a glass of burgundy to moisten your clay with.' Wagner replied by a
very low bow, and without raising his head managed to get out, 'Very
happy, General.' Then waving his hand to all present with a 'Good
morning, gentlemen,' the General departed.
As soon as his carriage drove off every soul in the mess-room indulged
in repeated bursts of laughter; Wagner more uproariously than any of
them. After the cachinnation had subsided, one of them said: 'There must
be something in your face, Wagner, that fascinates and blinds old B., or
he certainly would have seen that you were laughing at him; this is the
second time you've done it.'