'What for I count? Missis never make mistake.'
'But you must count to satisfy me.'
Veneaty had done this with his eye the moment he saw the rupees on the
table, but he said: 'Missis give order, I count.' And count he did, as
slowly and deliberately as a child.
'Well,' said the lady, 'is it right?'
'All right,' said Veneaty. 'Missis please take receipt.' Mrs. G. did so,
and locked it up in her desk.
She then expected that the houseman would take his departure, but he
continued standing at the table without offering to go. Then the lady
said: 'What is it now, Veneaty? I see you have something more to say.
What is it?'
'I no like to tell Missis; I too much fraiding.'
'But what are you afraid of?' said Mrs. G.
'Missis too much angry if I tell,' returned Veneaty.
'And if I am angry,' said Mrs. G. 'for I suspect what it is you wish to
say, I shall not be angry with you.'
'Then I tell; but I too much sorry, not my fault.'
'What you want to say is,' said Mrs. G., 'that you want me to leave the
house; is it not?'
'Missis never tell that word. I no want, but Mister Captain he too much
want, therefore I tell; he tell too much; punish me you no leave the
bungalow. What I do, I too much sorry.'
'Do not be afraid, Veneaty; he cannot punish you.'
'Missis how can tell. He tell Burra General Saib give order, and
cantonment General Saib give order what I do.'
'You tell the Staff-Officer that you have asked me to leave the house;
that will set you right.'
'But Mister Captain too much bobbery man; every man too much fraiding
him.'
'Never mind what people say; you tell Captain W. that you have requested
me to go out, and that I won't go.'
'No, Missis, I never tell that word. Mister Captain too much angry.'
'Very well,' said the lady, 'I will tell him myself; and I will also
tell him that you have asked me to go out.'
'Missis too much good Missis, but I too much fraiding.'
'Well, Veneaty, never fear for me. I will take care of myself.'
Then Veneaty, with even greater reverence than usual, departed, thinking
that Mrs. G. was a too-much brave woman.
Nothing fresh occurred till a day or two before the 15th, when Captain
W. again made his appearance. Mrs. G. had in the meantime done nothing;
everything was in its place, even to the vase of flowers. After the
ordinary salutations, the Captain said: 'I fear you are driving things
to the last moment, Mrs. G.; you have only to the 15th, by which time we
must have the bungalow. I really fear you are putting yourself to
unnecessary inconvenience.'
'Thank you very much,' returned Mrs. G.; 'I have not been put to any
inconvenience.'
'But I fear you will be, if you don't make preparations in time.'
'Oh, never fear,' said the lady; 'I shall make preparations in
time--that you may depend on.'
'Then I will take my leave with many thanks,' said Captain W.; 'you have
relieved my mind very much.'
'You are very polite,'returned Mrs. G., 'but you have nothing to thank
me for.'
'Oh, but indeed I have a good deal,' replied the Captain.
'Well, I am glad you think so,' said Mrs. G.; 'good-morning.'
'Good-morning,' said the gallant Captain, as he lifted his staff cap
very gently for fear of displacing his wig, and galloped off.
On the morning of the 15th the same gallant officer appeared again,
attended by a serjeant and several other people. He came to take
possession of the bungalow, but this he found more difficult than he had
anticipated. All the doors and windows were locked and fastened up
except one window in the only upper room of the house, which was open,
and at which Mrs. G. appeared.
'Really,' said Captain W., raising his cap, 'this is too bad, Mrs. G.
You must pardon me for saying so, but it is too bad, after all the
warnings you have had, and after the promises you have made.'
'I never made you any promise whatever,' said Mrs. G. 'You chose to put
on my words a construction that suited your own ideas, and I tried to
set you right; but you would not let me. I told you you had nothing to
thank me for, but you persisted in doing so, somewhat to my amusement.
Besides, I sent you word distinctly that I did not feel inclined to
leave my house. Veneaty told me he had given you my message, but perhaps
he did not speak the truth.'
'He did deliver your message, Mrs. G.,' said the Captain, 'but neither
the General, nor the Colonel, nor myself thought for a moment that you
really meant to act on it.'
'Well, sir,' said Mrs. G., 'you find your mistake; it is a pity that
three such great men should fall into the same error, but by your own
account so it is.'
'Well, ma'am, I am sorry you put me into such a painful position, that
I feel I have no alternative. I must report your disregard of authority,
and whatever happens, you must remember you brought it upon yourself.'
'Thank you, sir, for your advice; but, really, unless the Colonel and
yourself resolve to burn my house over my head and me in it, I don't see
what is likely to happen. I am a British subject, sir, although an
unprotected woman. You threaten to break open my doors, and to expose my
property outside the house, to be spoiled by sun and rain and
night-dews; try it, sir, and lay yourself and your gallant chief open to
a civil action in the Supreme Court. There the judges, thank Heaven!
care not two pins for your cantonment law. You cannot bring me, being a
woman, to a court-martial for disobedience to orders; and I am advised,
by those who do know something of law, that as I came here before your
new rules were made, and besides hold a lease granted under cantonment
law five years ago, you cannot legally turn me out. Go home, sir, and
think of some cunning way by which, as gentlemen, and men of honour, you
can show courtesy and respect to an unprotected lady, the widow of a
brother officer; turn over in your generous minds how by violence and
intimidation you can effect that which you cannot effect by law.'
Here Captain Pomposo, all but frantic, called out: 'Mrs. G.--Mrs. G.,
pray consider what you say, pray have----' But Mrs. G. refused to
consider anything, or to hear anything; she shut down the window and
pulled down the blinds. The 'immortal' had nothing for it but to ride to
Colonel L.'s house and report the success of his undertaking.
When Colonel L. heard the result of Captain W.'s attempt to take
possession of the bungalow, he was utterly confounded--I might say
almost horror-struck. Resistance to military authority in a military
cantonment had never, even in his dreams, assumed a tangible shape, or
appeared even as a distant or possible contingency; and now he had to
face it as a positive, undeniable reality. Actually in a cold
perspiration he said, after pausing a minute or two: 'But what are we to
do? I never met with such a case before, and never heard of such a case;
the thing is so preposterous and unnatural, as well as unprecedented,
that I am really at a loss. If it was a man I had to do with I should
know what to do; but really, independent of the scandal and absurdity of
the thing, to engage in a contest with an old woman, and to run the
chance of getting the worst of it, places me in a position I never for a
moment contemplated. I am fairly perplexed, and truly would rather again
face "la Vieille Garde" with Ney at their head than face this dreadful
Mrs. G. Great pity women were ever admitted into cantonments; they
always give trouble and always cause trouble.'
'They did so in the first cantonment ever marked out, so we are told,'
observed Captain W. To this the Colonel made no reply, not relishing
even an approach to a joke on so serious and distressing a subject.
After a silence of some minutes, during which the Colonel endeavoured to
overcome his indignation, though with but partial success, he said:
'Send for the houseman.'
'When shall I tell him to be here?' said Captain W.
'Send an orderly to fetch him here at once,' replied the Colonel.
An orderly was accordingly despatched for Veneaty, who in due season
arrived, puffing and panting in consequence of the rapid mode of
progression insisted on by his military companion. When brought into the
presence of the Colonel his nerves seemed to be greatly discomposed, nor
did the Colonel's manner and mode of address tend much to reassure him.
The first question put to him was:
'Are you the owner of the house now occupied by Mrs. G.?'
'Yes, I am, General Saib.'
'Does she pay her rent regularly?'
'Yes, General Saib.'
'Does she hold a lease of that house?'
'She has taken Captain Turner's lease, General Saib.'
'When did she obtain that lease?'
'Four months ago, General Saib.'
'Four months? Are you sure?'
'Yes, General Saib.'
'It was not after the new rules were ordered, was it?'
'No, General Saib; it was more than three months before they were
ordered.'
'Well, you see, W.,' said the Colonel, 'we shall gain nothing by
parchment; we must try something else.'
'Veneaty, when you want a tenant to go out, what do you do?'
'If he no pay his rent, I get order to seize his property, then he pay
or he go out.'
'But suppose he does pay his rent, and still you want him to go out,
what do you do then?'
'I give written warning to go out.'
'Then can't you do that with Mrs. G.?'
'How can do that, General Saib? Mem Saib got lease.'
'Oh, I forgot that,' said the Colonel. 'What the devil am I to do?'
'General Saib not know, how can I tell?' returned Veneaty.
After a silence of some minutes, Captain W. said: 'In a case of like
nature, or something like, that occurred at Bombay, they unroofed the
house, and so got the tenant out. Won't you do that?'
'General Saib give order, I do; but Mem Saib, if she make complaint to
High Court at Madras, what I do?'
'Well, Veneaty, you may go now; when I want you again I will send for
you.' Then, turning to Captain W., he said: 'Before we act I must write
to headquarters, and get instructions from Government. I must ask them
to take the opinion of the law officers on this case, then perhaps we
shall know what we are about.' So Veneaty departed, making profound
salaams as he went out, rejoicing that he had not been required to take
active measures against his tenant.
Three months elapsed before the Colonel received an answer to his letter
of inquiry, and then the answer was not exactly what he wanted; but it
gave permission to the local military authorities to direct the
unroofing of the house if the occupant continued refractory after
another warning, the Government being prepared to meet damages should
any be awarded by the Supreme Court.
During the suspension of hostilities, Captain W.'s position was not in
all respects a pleasant one; he was exposed to constant inquiries as to
when active operations would recommence, how the fortress was to be
stormed, and whether he was prepared to lead the forlorn hope. In fact,
to the lookers on the whole thing was regarded as great fun. Nothing
amused them more than to make inquiries on this subject, and few things
annoyed the gallant staff officer more than to be questioned respecting
it. His friends, good-naturedly, seldom lost an opportunity of doing so.
On these occasions his usual reply was, that references had been made to
headquarters, but that the law was uncertain. 'O-ho! is that it?' said
one of these good-natured friends; 'then at least for the present you
have yielded the field to the enemy? What a jolly old girl, that Mrs.
G.! Upon my life she's a Boadicea, a Thalestris, a perfect Queen of the
Amazons! To beat a general officer, a brigadier, and a staff-officer
single-handed is really an extraordinary feat of arms.'
Captain W., who could not suppress his vexation, observed: 'You are
talking a great deal of nonsense, Gunthorpe; the war is not ended yet.
You had better wait till it is before you indulge in such idle gibes.'
'I fear,' returned Gunthorpe, 'if the war goes on as it has begun I
shall have to wait a long time. But don't be crusty; I must have my
laugh, and can't afford to put it off for the indefinite time you point
to.' W. was vexed and sulky, but Gunthorpe would have his laugh, so the
'immortal' Don Pomposa rode off without making any reply.
At another chance meeting on the parade ground, the conversation again
turned on the slow progress the besiegers were making, and the
resolution displayed by the garrison.
'How long is it since the siege commenced?' said one. 'It can't be much
less than six months,' said another. 'But it isn't a siege now, is it,
W.?' said his quondam friend Gunthorpe. 'I should rather term it a
blockade.' 'Oh, call it what you like,' returned W., 'that will make
very little difference.' 'Certainly not, certainly not,' said G.; 'a
rose will smell as sweet by any other name, you know. At all events,
whenever you do obtain possession of the place so gallantly defended,
you'll have to allow the garrison all the honours of war, that's
certain. But do you know what I heard this morning?' 'How should I
know?' returned W. 'Well, I suspect it will astonish you not a little.
Mrs. G., it is credibly reported, to show her total indifference to all
your proceedings, has determined to open a shop, and has already made
arrangements for fitting it up.' 'Open a shop! Nonsense!' said W. 'True,
I assure you,' returned his friend. 'But what kind of goods is she going
to deal in?' 'Oh, everything included under the head of _stationery_.'
'Confound you, G.! I thought some rubbish of that sort was coming.' The
laughter of others showed that they relished G.'s small attempt. Then
the party separated, all in high spirits and good-humour, except the
'immortal' Pomposa, who rode away swelling and ruffling his plumes, and
vowing this, that, and the other. He thought of making an application
for two months' leave of absence, but he remembered that if he got it he
would have to forfeit half his allowances, therefore he agreed with
himself that discretion would be the better part of valour.
Nevertheless, he could not suppress a few kind wishes in favour of his
friends, which, as they did not hear them, did them no serious harm.
Things went on much in the old way, until the arrival of the
instructions from headquarters. Then active operations recommenced.
Official notice was again sent to Mrs. G. that if she did not vacate her
bungalow by a certain date, which was duly specified, orders would be
issued to unroof it. Still the indomitable heroine took no steps to find
another house, nor did she take any notice of the official warning.
When the period of grace was about to expire, Captain W., by the desire
of the Colonel, wrote Mrs. G. a polite note, telling her that the
workmen and coolies would be at her house on such a day unless she
removed in time, but that both he and the Colonel hoped that Mrs. G.'s
sense of propriety would save them the pain of enforcing a measure so
repugnant to their feelings.
Mrs. G. replied to Captain W.'s note, with thanks for the intimation it
conveyed, adding that as the roof was in want of some slight repairs,
and that as she knew, when it was repaired, all the broken or injured
tiles must be replaced by new and sound ones, the order was tantamount
to one for repairing her roof, which she begged to acknowledge as it
deserved. As a lady, she could not raise her cap to the Colonel. It was,
however, scarcely necessary, as he had raised her tile for her. This ran
round the cantonment, while the laugh was all on the lady's side, and
her pluck was universally admired.
By and by the day of fate arrived, so did the workmen and the coolies,
with ladders and all other needful means and appliances. Mrs. G.,
wearing a large pith hat, and farther defended by a large silk umbrella,
having a long support that rested on the ground, came out, and pointed
out to the men where they should commence their work. Veneaty was there,
making pathetic appeals to everyone, as well as to his own throat, and
uttering unceasing apologies. 'He too sorry. He not do. But too much
fraiding,' etc., etc. Numerous officers, some friends of Mrs. G., some
strangers, but all more or less sympathetic and complimentary as to her
courage and resolution, were assembled in and around her compound. There
was much talking and shaking of hands. By and by jocose remarks and
peals of laughter were mingled with the babel of various tongues and
voices, and the whole thing seemed to be regarded by the majority as an
excellent joke, Mrs. G. appearing to be in high spirits, as she talked
to everyone, giving all to understand that her lawyer had positively
stated that she was bound to make money by the proceeding, which she
expressed her fixed intention to do, if only to read her special friends
a lesson.
All this time, Captain W. did not appear. Whether his conscience twitted
him, or whether he feared the wit of his friends, is best known to
himself. Some assigned the one, some the other, reason for his
non-appearance, and some said that both combined to keep him away.
The next morning, soon after gun-fire, Captain W. rode past Mrs. G.'s
compound to ascertain if the orders had been duly executed. The lady
was up and out, attending to her garden. As soon as she saw the gallant
Captain she said: 'Good-morning, Captain W., won't you come in and have
a cup of coffee?'
'No, I thank you,' replied the Captain, 'I'm on duty. I have to go to
the artillery lines.'
'Oh, do come in,' replied the lady. 'I want to ask you why you were not
on duty yesterday.' Captain W. coloured up, mumbled something, and was
about to ride on his way, when his old tormentor, Gunthorpe, came up.
After saluting the lady, he said to W.: 'Going to the artillery lines,
are you? So am I. We'll ride there together.' So, raising their caps to
the lady, they were about to start, when G. said: 'But isn't this a
_moving spectacle_?' pointing to the tiles piled up on the ground.
'Whatever it is,' said W., again getting red in the face, 'it's no fault
of mine.'
'I say,' said Mrs. G., 'it's nothing of the kind. I'm not thinking of
moving--don't imagine any such thing--yet, after all, in another sense,
it may be termed "a moving spectacle," inasmuch as it is most likely to
move a good many rupees into my pocket. So you see, Captain Gunthorpe,
that I have very good reason to be obliged to the Colonel and your
friend Captain W.'
The lady and Captain G. were both convulsed with laughter; the latter,
after a second bow, rode off with the Staff-Captain, who observed to G.,
'You and the lady seem to understand the joke; I confess I can't see
it.'
'Can't you? how odd!' said G., again bursting into a fit of laughter.
Captain W. was sulky and silent, and little was said during their ride.
When they reached the artillery lines, G. asked his silent friend to
breakfast with him at the mess; but W. declined, stating he had yet to
visit the canteen. So the gentlemen parted, and G. regaled his friends
at mess with what he had seen and heard that morning.
Not to protract the story longer than needful, it is enough to say that
the lady held out three months longer, during two changes in the state
of her roof, which was first open on the north side and then on the
south. She raised internal entrenchments of bamboo mats and cajans,
which last she had to send some distance for. By these means, and the
moving of her bed from this to that side as she found convenient, she
defended herself against wind and rain and cold and sun most
effectually; and though, as she observed, the polite attentions of her
friends enabled her to converse with the stars more freely than she had
been accustomed to do, she made no sign of capitulating; no white flag
was seen on her battlements. She seemed, indeed, more active than ever.
She drove out morning and evening, and whenever she met the Colonel or
the Staff-Officer she saluted in the most obliging manner.
How long the siege might have endured it is impossible to say, had not
the Koorg War unexpectedly put an end to it. Colonel L. was placed in
command of the column that was to penetrate the Koorg country by Stony
River, and therefore was shortly obliged to surrender to Colonel Burton
his staff appointment as the commandant of the cantonment. Before he did
so, however, Mrs. G. was seen at the band-stand, her coachman, her
ghari-wallahs or grooms, and her horses, all decked out with large blue
rosettes on their heads and turbans.
'Dear me, what is all this finery for?' said Miss Brown. 'Oh, I know.
Mrs. G. is rejoicing that Colonel L. is going to Koorg.'
'Quite wrong,' said Mrs. G., who overheard her. 'It is on account of a
matter of infinitely more importance to me. I have been awarded,
independent of costs which will have to be paid as well, 5,000 Rs., as
a compensation for the injuries I have sustained (so they put it). Now,
isn't it good to get one's roof repaired for nothing, and then to get
5,000 Rs as a present into the bargain--isn't it good? So good that I
could not help celebrating my victory and good fortune by a little
outward display, as you see.'
By this time there was quite a crowd round Mrs. G.'s carriage, laughing,
rejoicing, and complimenting her upon her success. 'But what will you
do, Mrs. G.,' said Gunthorpe, 'if the new commandant takes up the
cudgels, and continues the unroofing business?'
'Oh,' returned Mrs. G., 'if he should be so very kind as to give me
another opportunity of making another 5,000 Rs. I shall not object, I
shall renew my conversation with the stars with unfeigned pleasure.'
After this flourish of trumpets, and cheers from the ladies and
uproarious laughter from the gentlemen, the old lady departed to take
her accustomed drive round the racecourse.
It is almost needless to say that Colonel Burton declined to continue
the war; and thus terminated this famous 'passage of arms,' second only
in interest to that of Ashby de la Zouch, recorded in 'Ivanhoe,' Mrs. G.
having literally had her roof repaired for her for nothing, and having
had a present of 5,000 Rs. on account of the proceeding.
It is said that the heroine, after her signal success, dropped her old
coat-of-arms, substituting for her former crest a hen standing over two
prostrate dunghill cocks, and for the three mullets on the face of the
shield, several men thatching the roof of a house; finally, for
supporters, she had a brigadier and a staff-officer. In place of her old
motto, she had, 'I strive and thrive.'
On being asked why, being only Mrs. General G., she assumed supporters,
she replied, 'My husband's family are lineally descended from the King
of Munster, so you perceive I am entitled to have supporters.' 'Well,'
replied the inquirer, 'you certainly found numerous and able supporters,
whether descended from the King of Munster or not.' 'Oh, fie!' said Mrs.
G., 'to try and throw a doubt on the validity of my supporters. Fie!
fie!'
No. VI.
MAJOR B.'S WELL-DESERVED DISCOMFITURE.
The incidents about to be narrated happened during the campaign of 1834,
undertaken against the Rajah of Koorg, whose atrocities could no longer
be tolerated. The force ordered out for this purpose was divided into
three columns: one under the command of General Waugh, a second under
someone whose name we cannot call to mind, the third under that of Sir
Patrick L., a thorough soldier, known afterwards as the hero of Koorg.
The wives and other feminine belongings of the officers on duty with
these three columns were left at Bangalore, from which station the
several divisions started for the seat of war.
The desolate and distressed condition of these poor ladies, during the
absence of their husbands, gave rise to those occurrences which the
author has here endeavoured to describe, and from which the reader, it
is hoped, will derive some amusement.
The solitary state of these fair sufferers naturally attracted the
attention and commiseration of many of those gentlemen who were not
employed on active service, and it was no less remarkable than beautiful
to mark the constant devotion of some of them. It was indeed so
remarkable that one of the ladies whose husband had not been ordered
away, and who was at the time sitting by her side at the band-stand,
observed, 'Who would not be a grass widow to get flowers and fruits from
the Laul Baugh every morning, and such unfailing attention at all times?
Surely the age of chivalry has returned.'
'I think,' Captain D. said, 'it is a pity that, with the age of
chivalry, the husbands of the grass widows have not returned also.'