absence of the legitimate comforters and protectors, isn't it charming
to see how anxious most of the gentlemen present seem to be to make the
ladies feel this absence as little as possible?'
'Christian charity, Charlotte; Christian charity,' said the gentleman.
'Well,' replied the lady, 'I hope it is; but----'
'But what?' said her husband, laughing.
'Oh, nothing; only I hope they won't carry it too far. Some of them at
least seem disposed to carry their charity (if that's the word, which I
am by no means sure of) a long way.'
'If they carry it farther than they ought to do, isn't that the fault of
the ladies?' replied the marital speaker.
'William, you always take the part of the men, and it is not fair,'
returned the lady. 'Look how Major B. besieges Mrs. W.'
'Well,' returned her husband, 'if he does she can force him to raise the
siege whenever she pleases, can't she?'
'I don't see it exactly in that light,' returned the lady; 'I think
gentlemen should not endeavour to do all the mischief they can, and then
shelter themselves under the plea that ladies can, and ought, always to
take care of themselves.'
'There is a great deal to be said, Charlotte, on both sides; but tell me
why ladies who have no fortunes to make, and whose election for weal or
woe has been made years ago, continue to dress and dance, etc., just as
they used to do when they were unmarried? Explain, if you please, the
cause of these little performances before you utterly condemn the poor
flies that are attracted by such Circean artifices.'
'Oh, William, I'm ashamed of you! You would go about to excuse the
premeditated wickedness of men by trying to make out that the women are
in fault in the first instance. I'm ashamed of you.'
'Ah, ma chère,' replied her husband, still laughing, 'however ingenious
an attack may be as a defence, you have, in your ardour to defend your
sex, forgotten to explain the spring of the _petits soin de toilette_
that I referred to.'
'What nonsense you talk!' replied the lady. 'Are ladies utterly to
neglect themselves, and to appear as slatterns and slovens, merely
because their husbands are away?'
'I see,' said her husband, 'that it matters nothing whether menkind have
the right on their side or not; womenkind ever have the best of it with
their tongues.'
'It is nothing of the kind,' said the lady; 'we have the best of it
because we're in the right and you are not.'
'That's a pretty flourish, Charlotte, but it will hardly account for the
impression made on the whole cantonment; and if my memory does not
entirely mislead me, I think I can remember that but the day before
yesterday a certain vivacious, voluble little friend of mine' ('I'll
pinch you, William') 'said that the "deserted wives did not at least
mourn in sackcloth and ashes." Didn't that little friend of mine say
something to that effect?' said her husband, laughing so much that he
could scarcely speak.
'Oh, you're a horrid fellow, and can remember anything you please,
whether it was ever spoken or not.'
'Oh, Charly, Charly! you must be in a difficulty when you make such a
dreadful charge as that, and, by innuendo, imply a doubt as to whether
you ever spoke the words or not.'
'You've become a dreadful talker, William, and run into the greatest
extravagance when you've nothing to the point to say; but pray recall
your faculties. Here comes young Johnson, who joined us but the other
day.'
After the usual salutations to the lady and gentleman, the young ensign
said: 'Oh, Mrs. D., there's such fun going on, that I must tell you of
it.'
'Pray do,' said the lady.
'Just sit where you are and keep your eyes open; in a few minutes you'll
have Major B., in a handsome drag drawn by a pair of bays, with Mrs. W.
by his side, drive by. Not to make the thing too particular, the old fox
has got Mrs. Flower and my chum, Hopkins, in the back seat; but it would
do your heart good to hear how strong the Major is coming it with the
lady by his side. I must say he's a man of metal, for every time he has
out that same drag and bays, it costs him 25 Rs.; old Brasher charges no
less.'
Here Captain D. burst out into an immoderate fit of laughter, in which
his wife, as it seemed almost against her will, joined, though in a
subdued manner.
'Oh, don't laugh now,' said the youngster; 'wait till you see the party
and the dashing turn-out. They say the Major was never known to do such
a thing before.'
By and by the drag and party appeared, greeted by bows and salutations
from all sides. The Major, not at all discomposed by the fire of small
jests in the shape of compliments, inquiries, and hopes that he would
never put down such a pretty turn-out, drove round the band-stand twice,
and then pulled up by the side of Captain D.'s carriage.
'Upon my honour,' said Captain D., 'the regiment is very much indebted
to you, Mrs. W., for having put the Major in the right way at last. No
suggestions of ours were potent enough to induce him to sport a turn-out
like that; it really does as much credit to the regiment as to himself.'
'Oh, pray do not imagine that I had anything to do with it,' said Mrs.
W. 'I knew nothing about it until the arrangement had been made. Had I
known anything about it I would not have suffered Major B. to incur such
expense on my account; indeed, I have so much to thank him for that I
was really vexed when I saw what his generosity and kindness had led him
to do unknown to me. I declined at first to drive out in it, but I saw
that he would think it ungrateful and unkind if I persisted in refusing
to avail myself of what he was good enough to say would be a pleasure to
him; moreover, as I knew the expense had been incurred I no longer
refused, and, as you see, here I am. Besides, since this morning's post
another reason has urged me to show my sense of Major B.'s kindness and
attention in every way that I could that was right and proper. I only
stay one day longer at Bangalore; my husband informs me that Colonel L.
has granted permission to all the ladies left here to rejoin their
husbands as soon as they can make arrangements to do so. I have already
written to the commissariat officer to post bearers for me, and shall
start early the morning after to-morrow.'
'Oh, Mrs. W., what terrible news this is for me!' exclaimed the Major.
'I wondered this morning, when I called, what urgent business you had to
prevent you from seeing me, but now I understand it all; you were
packing up your trunks.'
'Yes, Major, I was packing up. Surely you couldn't think I would lose
any time, when what I have been waiting for so long has come at last,
could you?'
'I suppose not,' said the Major with a very downcast air. 'But, you see,
I have been hoping you would stay here a good while longer, and the
blow comes suddenly upon me. I knew you would go one time or other, but
I never thought it would be so soon.'
'And I never thought it would be so long,' said Mrs. W.
'But you don't really mean to be off the morning after next? Surely you
can't mean that,' muttered or half whispered the Major, in a most
imploring tone of voice.
'Oh, I can and do mean it most positively,' said Mrs. W., laughing in a
most provoking way. 'I have ordered a set of bearers, and a masulchi,
and shall be off by three o'clock--not five o'clock--in the morning.'
'That's too cruel of you, Mrs. W.; and to remind me of that sweet song I
used to delight in hearing you sing.'
'Oh, I shall come back by-and-by, and then I'll sing it for you again,'
replied Mrs. W., with a wicked smile that made all who saw and heard
her, except the disconsolate Major, laugh outright.
'Ah,' said he, 'if I ever do hear you sing it again, it won't be the
same song it was before to me.'
'And why not?' said the relentless Mrs. W., scarcely able to utter the
words from suppressed laughter, which seemed also to have seized Mrs.
D., Captain D., and the two younger fellows, Johnson and Hopkins. But
the Major, indifferent to everything but his grief, only said: 'Well,
Mrs. W., I will have a cavady cooly and the boxes filled with European
articles got ready for your journey, and you must not deny me the
melancholy pleasure of seeing you off, and saying farewell to you.'
Mrs. W., after a little struggle to overcome the former tendency, said:
'On no account would I hear of such a thing, Major. I'll wish you
good-bye to-morrow evening, and as to the boxes, don't think of it. I
have supplies of everything I can want on the road. Besides, I should
have no means to carry them. I travel dawk.'
'Oh, well,' said the Major, 'I'll see to all that; and don't suppose
that I shall let you leave Bangalore without being up to see you off, at
whatever hour it may be.'
'Well, Major B., I can't prevent you from doing what you say you will
do, but I certainly think you'd be much better in bed.'
As the band began to play the National Anthem, the carriages began to
move off, but the two young men stayed behind to talk over the scene
they had just taken part in. They ordered their horsekeepers to take
their bays home, and then leisurely walked on to the mess-room,
indulging, as they sauntered along, in repeated bursts of laughter.
Johnson, who first recovered himself, said, turning to his friend: 'Now,
can you fancy that anyone could be so blind as our worthy, the Major?
The old fogey, in his latter days, has become so amorous, so demented,
about Mrs. W., that he can't help making love to her before everybody.'
'That's plain enough, and patent to everyone who has got eyes and ears,'
returned Hopkins. 'And to see how she treats him! Upon my soul, it's the
finest fun I've had since I've been here,' remarked Johnson.
'Why,' returned Hopkins, 'she laughs at him so openly that if he were
not what he is, he must see it.'
'But he don't,' said Johnson, 'that is the best of it--he don't, and
goes on worshipping, and never minding, in a way that's unlike anything
I ever saw before. I won't say "more majorum," for that would be a libel
on all other majors.'
'Well,' said Hopkins, 'that would require a free translation indeed to
translate it into wit, for which I suppose it's meant. You ought to
rejoice old Leatherum is not behind you: he would score up marks against
you for which you would not be able to find a free translation, I
suspect.'
'You and old Leatherum be hanged!' said Johnson.
'Thank you for nothing,' returned Hopkins. 'Hang "_odi profanum
vulgus_" whenever you please, but as for me, I'm not inclined that way
just now, so won't trouble you for any such delicate attention. Besides,
I shouldn't exactly rejoice to see you turn Jack Ketch after bearing her
Majesty's colours.'
'It would scarcely be needful, I suspect, if I gave you rope enough,'
returned Johnson.
'You seem to be particularly attached to this line of illustration,
Johnson, but as it is not altogether new, let's try something else.'
'With all my heart,' returned Johnson, 'but what line shall we take up?'
'I don't know that we need take up any,' replied Hopkins. 'Suppose we
get up on the morning after next in time to witness the parting between
the Major and Mrs. W.?'
'Why, you don't think old "Amoroso" will really get up after what she
said to him, do you?' said Johnson.
'I have a notion he will,' returned Hopkins, 'and if he does I would not
miss the play for a trifle; it will be truly affecting.'
'Oh, it will be grand!' said Johnson, 'but I wish the lady had not been
in such a mortal hurry to get back to her husband. Three o'clock is an
uncommonly early hour.'
'If we want to see what goes on,' observed Hopkins, 'we mustn't mind
that. It is agreed that we turn out on the chance.'
'Agreed,' said his chum. 'I'll tell Veeratawny to call us at half-past
two; that fellow never makes a mistake. How he manages to wake whenever
he is ordered to wake, I don't know; but he does it, that I know.'
'He's an invaluable fellow,' said Hopkins, as he entered the mess
compound.
The usual revolution of the hours brought round three o'clock in the
morning of the day named by Mrs. W. for her departure. Accordingly, her
palankeen and twelve bearers were ready at her door, with two Cowry
coolies and a masulchi. She was dressed, giving directions to her ayah,
for whom a dooly had been procured, and who would reach the Bislay
Ghaut, where the camp had been pitched, the day after her mistress. All
the ladies who could afford to travel dawk agreed to go with Mrs. W.,
and consequently there were in her compound not less than four
palankeens, four sets of bearers, cavadees, and masulchies. The ayahs
were running about under unusual excitement, and the ladies were making
the final arrangements in their palankeens.
Major B. now made his appearance, followed by a coolie bearing the box
of European articles.
'You see, Mrs. W., though you are in such a hurry to run away from your
friends, they are actuated by very different feelings, for which you are
so hard-hearted as not to show the slightest sympathy.'
'Don't talk such nonsense, Major B., but like a kind, good friend go
into the house and ask the ayah for my black bag. I've left it
somewhere; I can't go without it.'
'Certainly, certainly,' replied the Major; 'happy to be employed in
_your_ service in any way.'
'Now that I've got rid of that tiresome old man,' said Mrs. W., 'run,
Anawah, and tell my bearers to bring my palankeen over to this side of
the compound, so that Mrs. F.'s bearers and palankeen may stand nearest
to the gate.'
This arrangement having been effected, the torches were lighted, and the
whole party was about to start, when the Major rushed out of the house,
and ran up to the palankeen nearest to the gate, exclaiming, 'Dear Mrs.
W., the black bag cannot be found anywhere. I am so sorry.' Then
seizing the lady's hand, he pressed it to his lips. 'But, surely,' he
said, still holding her hand, 'you won't be so obdurate after everything
I've done to show how dearly I prize the smallest token of kindness from
you, you won't, I'm sure you won't, deny me one farewell salute,' and at
the same time he put his head into the palankeen to possess himself of
the small token he had solicited. But before he could do so, the lady
had saluted him with such a sounding box on the ear that he recoiled two
or three paces, saying as she administered the sedative, 'Och, thin, you
auld baste, get out of that!'
Screams of laughter from the other side of the hedge informed the
discomfited would-be Lothario that there had been witnesses of his
ignominious defeat, and while he stood with one hand up to the side of
his face, paralyzed with mortification and vexation, the palankeens
moved off. Then he heard one of the observers say to the other: 'Wasn't
it a sounder!'
'That it was, and no mistake,' replied his companion. Then both broke
into another fit of laughter. Who the two watchers were it is not
necessary to say.
When the calling hours came round they had a charming little narrative
for their friends, which flew round the cantonment like wildfire, to the
intense delight of the hearers as well as reporters.
Lest the more sensitive, sympathizing half of the creation might imagine
that, actuated by despair, the hero of this passing scene sought some
tragic remedy to quiet his distracting sorrow, or like those youths that
died for love,
'Wandering in the myrtle grove,
His gentle spirit sought the realms above,'
as Mr. Pope tells us, it is satisfactory to be able to inform these
sensitive souls that the Major did this literatim, for having evaded
for three days any appearance at mess by reporting sick, he obtained
three months' leave of absence to the Neilgherry Hills, said to be above
6,000 feet above the level of the sea.
When on the hills, the Major must be regarded as an exalted character,
but let us breathe in the softest whisper that he was not. No, he was
not a heroic specimen of manhood, that is the melancholy truth; and
however distressing the fact may be to Paul de Koch (or his shade),
instead of resorting for help to a bullet, or prussic acid, or a pan of
charcoal, as all Paul's heroes and heroines did, he only fled to the
hills from the looks and laughter of his companions.
No. VII.
THE RACE STAND AND THE FANCY BALL.
The scene that now presents itself is that of the race stand at
Bangalore. The ring, twenty yards distant, is just opposite, with the
winning-post about four yards in front of it. All 'the beauty and
fashion,' as the newspapers phrase it, are seated in the front rows of
the stand, or are fast coming in. Old Tommy H., the General, is seated
beside his beloved Anna, who is not merely General, but Generaless too.
She is at least forty years younger than her husband, who cannot be less
than seventy, while if she numbers thirty-two or three it is the utmost
she can be rated at. She is a fine woman, with fine features, and
withal, and in spite of the great disparity in years, a kind, loving,
affectionate wife. It is no wonder, then, that the old man loves her--he
says he cannot love her enough; and truly the poor old fellow tries to
act up to that saying. At a review, a brigade field-day or sham fight,
Mrs. H.'s military ardour sometimes carries her away. She is a splendid
horsewoman, and is seen galloping about at full speed from point to
point, the Adjutant-General of Division sailing after her in the vain
endeavour to keep beside her, while the General is trying to maintain
his seat and a very gentle canter at the same time. To restrain the
instincts of an admirably trained charger whose native fire has been
cooled and partly tamed by fifteen years' service, is sometimes
effected, but at other times with so little success that a horsekeeper,
running on either side of him, is obliged to hold down his legs, and
thus keep him in the saddle. The General is, besides, fully engaged in
soothing the ungovernable creature by patting him on the neck, and
speaking to him in the most endearing way, and these manoeuvres seem to
be perfectly well understood by the sagacious quadruped. The kind of
conversation carried on between them was something after the following
fashion: 'Wo ho, proud animal. Soh ho, my steed!--Neigh, neigh!--'Soh
ho, soh ho! But why these bounds and curvets?'--Neigh, neigh!--'There,
there! wo ho, noble beast,' the patting being all the time assiduously
continued.
These exhibitions of horsemanship naturally amused all who beheld them,
and led to a good deal of idle chaff and fun. Adolphe D., the Divisional
Adjutant-General, was asked whether any order had yet arrived from
headquarters to invest the lady in her husband's cocked hat, coat, and
continuations, etc., and to clothe him in her petticoats, etc.; for, if
not, and the Arabs, who at this time mustered strong at Kurnool, should
make a raid into the Mysore country, all the inhabitants of Bangalore
might get up one fine morning and find their throats cut; and a great
deal more in the same strain.
However, as neither the old General nor his wife heard these stupendous
efforts of wit, they were not rendered for ever miserable by them. On
the contrary, sitting beside each other at the race-stand, they appeared
particularly happy and comfortable. Pretty Mrs. D. was conspicuous
amongst the ladies, she and her squire, Lieutenant M. of the Horse
Artillery, being characterized as a particularly handsome pair.
Unfortunately, they were neither paired nor coupled, Captain D. being
the owner, or, it might be said, the reputed owner, of Eve's fair
daughter.
It would be an endless task to enumerate all those who were present.
First, all the sporting men were there, decked in hunting coats,
buckskins, and top-boots. This list included Colonel MacC., Lieutenant
M., H.A., Captain Venables, H.M.'s 39th Regiment, Long E. of 7th N.
Cavalry, Suscat and Humphries of the N. Cavalry, Captain L. of the H.A.,
some strangers, sporting men, some civilians from Madras, and the
Mofussil, several dragoon officers, and some few, besides Captain
Venables, from H.M.'s 39th and the Native Infantry Regiments. Most of
these occupied the ring, where the gentlemen who were to ride were
dressing, or weighing, or being weighed. It was a busy, bustling scene.
Some had field-glasses slung over their shoulders; the greater number
had notebooks in their hands.
The race-stand was now crowded with officers of all arms, some few
civilians and ladies, many of them from Madras, Arcot, etc. The jockeys
were many of them dressed and ready, whip in hand, for a final weighing;
the horsecloths were being taken off the horses, and all began to
examine the printed papers in their hands. Ten horses were to run.
Lieutenant M., in jockey costume, now walked from the band-stand to the
seat in the race-stand occupied by Mrs. D., who said: 'What is it,
Frank?' 'I only came over to point out the horses to you,' returned her
friend; 'they are going to walk them about for a little while, and I'll
stay with you till the first bell rings.' 'That's a good boy!' said the
lady, looking at him as I should not have liked her to look had I been
Captain D. But, alas! alas! _Hei mihi quod nullis amor est, medicabilis
herbis._ So Ovid said years agone, and so he might say again could he
again return to earth.
'Well, that beautiful creature is Colonel Cubbon's, and so is that.'
'And the dark gray, whose is that?' 'Oh, that is Anatomy. Well, he's a
handsome fellow, too, but in too good condition for such a name.' 'Whose
horse is he?' 'He belongs to General Mrs. H.' 'Oh, really,' said the
lady, 'what an odd name! But, no; it isn't. Nothing could be more
appropriate for Anna Tommy.' 'Well done, Emma!' said her escort; 'that's
capital. Isn't that good, Colonel Williamson?' 'What?' said the Colonel;
'I didn't hear.' Mrs. D.'s _bon mot_ was repeated, and all who heard it
applauded loudly. 'On my word,' said Colonel W., 'Mrs. D., you're a
monopolist. The ladies say you have more good looks than should fall to
any one person's share, and not content with that, you throw all your
friends into the shade by your wit.' 'I'm _sure_,' replied Mrs. D., 'the
ladies didn't say that; you say it for them. It would be only too
delightful if it were true.' 'It is quite true, Mrs. D.; two delightful
things are wit and beauty.' 'Oh yes; quite true if one possessed them.'
'Come, come, you're not going to outface me in that way,' said Colonel
W., 'with such proofs before my eyes and in my ears.' 'Oh,' said Mrs.
O., in a half whisper to Mrs. C, 'she has brass enough to outface old
Nick himself; anyone with half an eye could see what she is, only these
men, especially old ones, are such unutterable fools.' Mrs. D. probably
heard something and guessed more, for she leaned back in her chair and
laughed heartily; then, casting an expressive glance towards Mrs. O.,
she said: 'Who is it, Frank, that says, "The highest compliment one
woman can pay another is when the one exhibits malignity and envy
towards the other"--who is it?' 'I fancy,' returned Frank, 'you mean
that clever sample of female vanity, Madame de Staël. But how did you
make acquaintance with her? I thought you didn't care for that sort of
thing.' 'I do read sometimes, Frank.' 'Yes, I know you do; I caught you
reading the "Bride of Abydos" the other day.' 'Yes; I do read Byron,
and have the honesty and courage to admit that I do; others read, and
deny that they do so. But I'm not going to fight with you now; this
isn't the right time or place, sir. But I'm in high spirits this
morning, and I ought to be, for I have won high compliments from Colonel
Williamson--he who never speaks of our poor sex without bringing up all
our transgressions, from that little mistake our unhappy
great-grandmother made to the various errors, _faux pas_, or
misdemeanours attaching to Madame de Maintenon or the Marchioness of H.'