abduction or violation of some unhappy female, put the finishing touch,
the crowning halo, to the fame and glory of this superlative hero. That
MacC., being a polished gentleman, not destitute of humanity, frank, and
to the last point tenacious of his word, brave and generous, should
consider his descent from the red-handed robber and murderer as a high
distinction and a high honour may seem strange, but so it was.
'It is in all cases useless to argue against facts, and there are but
few facts more distinct or positive than the pride with which the large
majority of those whose birth enables them to do so deduce their descent
from some iron-handed robber or murderer, provided he lived a long time
ago. Time, it would appear, converts crime into virtue. If any warrior,
knight, or lord committed, or attempted to commit, in these days, the
crimes that his ancestors committed with impunity, he would be hanged or
shot, and would, besides, incur the detestation of society.
'Colonel MacC. was proud of his name and his long line of ancestry, even
though it included the red-handed gentleman, and many other smaller
lights who did their best to emulate that worthy's achievements.
Sometimes, when Colonel MacC. stayed longer at the mess-table than was
his wont, he used to remark that the service had greatly deteriorated
since he had entered it, and when the natural inquiry, "How so,
Colonel?" or, "In what respect?" had been elicited, "the hidden anguish
of his soul" would peep forth something in this wise: "Why, you see
nowadays they put any man in command of a regiment. They only ask if he
can purchase; if he can, the thing is settled, he gets the step. It
signifies nothing whether his father was butcher or baker, tinker or
tailor; if he can pay, he gets the step, even though it may be the
command of the regiment; but in my young days a man's name did stand for
something. They would not in those days have put Jack, Tom, or Harry in
such a position, particularly when they had a man whose family was
known, and who was in other respects qualified to take the command."
'Poor Colonel MacC.! he could not forget or forgive his supercession,
but nevertheless he had many good qualities, and was a man to be liked
and respected. He could also be generous even to a very contemptible
character, as the following instance proves:
'Colonel MacC. was a thorough sportsman, an excellent man for
cross-country, whether it was after a fox at home, or after a jackal in
India; a capital shot, whether for tiger or elephant, or for partridge,
pheasant, or snipe, and a man who, after his father's death, kept up a
noble stud of horses. At Madras, at Hyderabad, at Bangalore, wherever
there was a race, Colonel MacC.'s horses were entered. From inherited
property, from being a bachelor, and from his position in the regiment,
by which he received more pay than he spent, he became the richest man
in it; he was, in consequence, enabled to indulge his desire to back his
own horses, or to bet on others as he pleased, and this he did pretty
heavily. At one of the Bangalore races, I cannot call to mind the year,
Colonel MacC. had a bet of 3,000 rupees with a Mr. ----, an officer of
one of the native regiments there stationed. The race came off, and the
Colonel's horse won. Mr. ---- immediately gave the Colonel a cheque on
Messrs. Arbuthnot and Co. for the amount, and the matter was apparently
settled; but a few days after the Colonel received a letter from Messrs.
A., stating that they had in their possession no funds belonging to Mr.
----. This personage, when called on to explain his conduct, pleaded
that he thought the agents at Madras did that sort of thing. He wrote a
very extraordinary letter, covering four sides of paper, and concluding
thus: "That if they did not forgive him, to-morrow's sun should smile
upon his grave." Colonel MacC. laughed immoderately, and when the other
members of the racing committee, or most of them, said, "MacC., you must
bring this gentleman forward," the Colonel replied: "Not I; he's too
paltry a creature for me to touch. Besides, he has afforded me a hearty
laugh, which one does not enjoy every day. He will not show his handsome
face amongst us again, that you may rely on; and if he takes my advice,
he will get himself moved out of Bangalore as soon as practicable." And
thus the matter ended; the Colonel lost his money, Mr. ---- his
character.
'About this time, or shortly after, it became known that a Highland
regiment was to pass through Bangalore _en route_ to Hyderabad--I should
say Secunderabad, as the cantonment is called--situated about three
miles from the native city, Hyderabad. The natives, who had heard
highly-laudatory accounts of the Highlanders, were greatly excited. The
noble qualities of these soldiers on the field of battle were magnified
in their minds, and the dress they wore was described as grand and
beautiful, surpassing everything they had yet seen of the Europeans.
Many thousands of natives went out several miles to meet the regiment on
the morning it was expected to reach Bangalore, and their enthusiasm
knew no bounds when they beheld the stature of the men, their kilts,
their plaids, and plumes. At last, as the regiment approached the
cantonment, the pipers struck up, and this so enchanted the natives that
they were absolutely beside themselves with delight. The regiment was
halted as soon as it was known that the General and staff, with all the
_élite_ of the station and a great number of fair equestrians, were
coming out to greet them. Every company dressed up, leaving between them
the exact distances prescribed. Every man brushed the dust off his
brogues or sandals; in short, everything was done that could be done to
impress beholders.
'As the General and his party came in sight the pipes struck up again,
and the regiment resumed its march. The General and staff drew up by the
side of the road, and the regiment marched by, saluting; after which,
accompanied by the whole cortège--General, staff, officers, ladies, and
natives--the corps marched on to the racecourse, where their tents had
been pitched. "Really," said a young Scotchman, who had lately joined
the 13th Dragoons, "if I wasn't a mounted man, I'd like to belong to a
Highland regiment." "Well," said another, not quite so deeply smitten
with the appearance of the kilts, "I dare say any one of their young
ones will exchange with you if you only make the offer." "Aye, McDougal;
that will just suit you," said Vivian, "as you are such a devoted
admirer of Signori Rossini, Verdi and Co." "I don't quite make you out,"
replied McDougal. "Why, don't you see," said Vivian, "you'll always have
such glorious music; the natives are so mad about the pipes that they
one and all declare they never thought, before they heard them, 'that
the English knew anything about music.'" The young Scot, who was an
accomplished performer on the violin, and perfectly fanatic in his
admiration of Italian music, did not at first seem to relish the joke;
but at last he joined in the laugh, protesting, however, that there was
a time and place for everything, and that though the exquisite strains
of "Lucia di Lammermoor" were fitter for the drawing-room or the opera,
he would prefer the music of the pipes on the field of battle. "Well
spoken, McDougal," said Colonel MacC.; "you could not have made a better
distinction."
'Comparisons of the music of the pipes with that of the natives
furnished abundance of fun and amusement during the evening, reference
being constantly made to the ignorance of the English as to music,
which, in the estimation of Hindoo critics, was profound, and was only
relieved from being complete by the unexpected sounds they had heard
that morning. At last the subject was allowed to drop, being reserved
for other like fitting occasions, while it was recognised, _nemine
contradicente_, to be "an argument for a week, laughter for a month, and
a good jest for ever."
'The provoking malice and wicked fun towards Scotchmen, of comparing the
pipes with the music of the natives of India, cannot be apparent to
those who have never been in that country. Therefore the following
attempt to convey a faint idea of the peculiar attractions of Hindoo
music has been inscribed--first with the view of enlightening minds (or
ears) uninstructed by experience; secondly with the view of giving point
to the preceding remarks. The instruments on which native performers
display their powers and skill are gongs and tom-toms, horns of
different kinds, and sometimes a kind of hurdy-gurdy. I do not call to
mind any others. By means of the gongs and tom-toms they mark time, and
this is really the only approach (European ears being judges) to what we
understand by the word "music"; but even this is so outraged by the
stunning crashing noise made by these detestable contrivances, that the
effect which would otherwise be produced by the regular recurrence of
sounds at stated intervals is lost; while the horns and the trumpets, if
such a name is allowable, and the squeaking, shrieking, wailing,
grunting sounds produced by the instruments referred to, make up a _tout
ensemble_ that must be heard to be imagined. Every performer plays his
own tune, or rather produces a series of sounds one only more diabolical
than another--if such assaults on the sense of hearing can be called a
tune--on his own instrument, and every man performs in his own key. The
result is the most hideous and frightful discord that can be produced.
If the gongs and tom-toms are in the ascendant, the noise is deafening.
If the small pipes and horns predominate, the conversation of cats in
the gutter, or the howling of jackals, roving about at night, or the
screaming of women and children, or all three mingled together, are
simulated. A child, once very dear to me, described the effect produced
on his ears by the performance of a number of native musicians in these
words: "Oh, there's the crying band again!"
'Not long after the Highlanders had passed through Bangalore, a young
Scot, not a Highlander, was ordered to do duty with the 13th Dragoons,
during the leave of absence granted to Dr. Clark, the regimental
assistant-surgeon; two months later on his term of absence was drawing
to a close, and consequently Dr. T., the temporary substitute, would, on
its termination, be sent to do duty with an infantry corps, and lose the
climate of Bangalore and one hundred rupees a month. All of these
unpleasant consequences the said Dr. T. was naturally anxious to avert,
or, at the worst, to postpone. He had, with this in view, some time back
written to his friends at Madras to look about them and get him a strong
letter to Colonel MacC.; they accordingly did so, and procured a _strong
letter_ from some Highland gentleman who either knew or boasted a
fifty-ninth cousinship with Colonel MacC. The strong letter was
presented the morning after its receipt with the required number of
bows, and with the reverence supposed to be needful. All which I grieve
to say were utterly thrown away on Colonel MacC.; he took the letter,
and looked at the bowing youth who brought it, booted and spurred and
buttoned up to the throat, with a scarcely concealed smile, pointed to a
chair, and read his friend's communication. When he had concluded it, he
refolded it, put it carefully on the table, and then, turning to Dr. T.,
said, "I fear Anstruther has put himself and you to trouble for nothing.
In the first place, I never ask favours of anyone; and secondly, if I
did, and you were my own son, I could not ask anything in the quarter
you point at." Poor David T. was not a little taken aback at this
rebuff, as the longitude of his countenance plainly announced; he got
up, hoped he had not intruded, and begged to be excused if he had done
so, made another of his best bows, and was about to beat a retreat, when
Colonel MacC., whose somewhat sarcastic expression of countenance did
not reach beyond the surface, said, "Sit down, Mr. T., I've something to
say to ye. I can't serve you in the way that Anstruther asks, but maybe
I can put you in the way of serving yourself." T.'s ears became doubly
attentive. Colonel MacC. continued, "You have, of course, called on
Colonel B.?" "Yes, Colonel, but he was out." "Oh, you found him out!
Well, you took a shorter time to do it than I did; but never mind that:
did you leave a card for the lady?" "No, Colonel, I did not." "And pray,
sir, why did you not? Don't you know it's your duty to pay your respects
to your commanding officer!" "But so I did, Colonel." "But I tell ye, so
you did not! There, now be off, and try to make out the riddle, which I
can plainly see you don't yet comprehend. Try and translate it into
practice. You'll find the advice good if you know how to use it."
'A great deal more was said, which I do not feel called upon to repeat.
Poor David T. departed in a charming state of conglomeration, and he
confessed to my brother, to whom, under the seal of profound secrecy, he
reported the whole conversation, that when he left the Colonel's house
he scarcely knew whether he was standing on his head or his heels. My
brother, after indulging in a hearty laugh, asked him if he had yet paid
one visit recommended to him. "No," said David, "I'll take care how I do
that!" "But, then," returned my brother, "you won't be able to see
Colonel MacC. again." "No," replied David, "I'll take care how I do
that, too!"
'David T. was in many respects a very good fellow, but he took
everything literally, and actually had, I believe, a sort of horror at a
joke, particularly if he did not understand it, which was commonly the
case. He was not a fire-eating Irishman, or he would have rivalled Sir
Brallaghan O'Callaghan in the play, who says, "And if you shall say
anything that I will not understand," etc. David, however, did not
resort to the _ultima ratio_ when he did not understand; he waited to
have the joke explained. He had, perhaps, never heard that wit explained
is no longer wit; but, whether he had or not, neither the wit nor the
explanation ever seemed to disorder his equanimity. The only witty story
I ever heard him tell, was one of Professor B., who was one of David's
masters when attending the classes at Edinburgh. This gentleman was in
the habit of enlivening his lectures by asking questions of his pupils.
He had, on the occasion under reference, been using some mechanical
illustrations to show that if the spring of a machine be wound up too
tight, the whole apparatus will go too fast, unless a counterbalancing
force be brought into play. Thus if the weights are not sufficient, the
clock goes too fast; and on the other hand, if the weights are too
great, the clock stops, or goes too slow. In the more perfect
arrangements, a pendulum supersedes the weights, and can be lengthened
or shortened to produce like effects. "Similar laws," said the
Professor, "obtain in morals and in physics. If a youth is going too
fast you put him under restrictions--in other words, you put more weight
on him, and _vice versâ_. Now," turning round to one of the students, he
said, "if you found a youth who was under your charge, a younger
brother, for instance, not going quick enough, in fact--going decidedly
too slow, what would you do?" "I wad shorten his pend'lum, sir," replied
the unlucky wight. Here roars of laughter put an end to the sentence and
the lecture; as this little anecdote puts an end to our further
knowledge of David, who was a steady and solid practitioner of medicine,
painstaking and zealous in his duty, a good husband, a good father, and
a good Presbyterian. He died of cholera, poor fellow! at Trichinopoly,
lamented by all who knew him, except the snipes, who certainly must have
rejoiced when they heard of his death, since when alive he was never
known to miss one of them.
'Most men who possess adventitious advantages, such as rank, wealth,
position, and power, indulge in certain peculiarities of manner, speech,
or habit; and the reason is not far to seek. They are so independent
that they consult only their own fancies. Colonel MacC. was no exception
to the rule just noticed; he had some peculiarities of manner as well as
speech, and, of course, these were well known to the men of the
regiment. Peculiarities of manner no doubt they caricatured amongst
themselves, but could not show that they did so. With peculiarities of
speech it was different, and the men hit on a method of amusing
themselves with them that was certainly ingenious.
'Colonel MacC., it has been already said, was a capital horseman, and
when out with the regiment always liked to see every manoeuvre
executed in the most rapid manner. Whenever the men were not quick
enough to satisfy his judgment, he used to indulge in this form of
reprehension: "Move, you beggars, move!" By degrees it became familiar
to the men, and then they commented on it by purchasing a parrot, which,
being a young and teachable bird, was not long in learning and mastering
his lesson, "Move, you beggars, move!" The bird soon became proud of his
proficiency, and wanted little or no coaxing to make him display it. At
any time it was sufficient to say: "Good-morning, pretty Polly! what
does the Colonel say?" to bring out, "Move, you beggars, move!" to the
great delight of the men, women, and children of the regiment; but every
amusement or enjoyment has its drawbacks. On one particular occasion,
when Colonel B. was on leave and Colonel MacC. in command, an inspection
of barracks, hospital, etc., was ordered. Accordingly Colonel MacC.,
with all the officers present with the regiment, repaired to the
barracks. While engaged in this duty everyone's ears were startled by
the ill-timed sounds, "Move, you beggars, move!" No one took any notice,
but glances were exchanged all round. By-and-by "Move, you beggars,
move!" was repeated more emphatically than before; this was too much for
the Colonel, who called out, "Who is that? who has the audacity to
interrupt the duty in this manner?" No one answered. "Sergeant-major,"
called out the Colonel, "who is that? I insist upon knowing! Tell me at
once who it is that is guilty of this insolence? Whoever it is, put him
under arrest immediately! What are you standing there for, like a fool?
Did you not hear me say put the fellow under arrest?" "Yes, sir," said
the Sergeant, "but I don't think it's any of the men." "Don't think it's
any of the men; what do you mean? Is it one of the women or children
that dares to act in this way?" "No, sir, it's none of the women or
children." "Who is it, then? Take care, Hopkins, solitary confinement
and reduction to the ranks will be unpleasant things for you to face
after so many years' service; but it seems to me that you are going the
right way to get them. Once more I say, who is it?" "I think it's the
parrot, sir." "The parrot! What parrot? Whose parrot? Why don't you
answer? Who owns the parrot?" "I think, sir, the bird belongs to the
regiment." By this time Colonel MacC. had recovered his good-humour. "So
it belongs to the regiment, does it? Well, take it away, and don't let
it interrupt us again." Colonel MacC.'s good-humour on this occasion
endeared him to the men so much that there was nothing they would not do
to please him; and though they kept the bird, they took the greatest
care to keep him away or silent whenever the Colonel visited the
barracks.'
No. V.
THE PASSAGE-OF-ARMS BETWEEN COLONEL L. AND MRS. G.
During the year which passed before the Koorg War, and while Colonel L.
was in command of the cantonment of Bangalore, a somewhat singular
passage-of-arms took place between him and an old lady, Mrs. G., who was
the widow of General G., who had, some six months before, died at
Nagpore. This lady, having in earlier days dwelt at Bangalore, lost no
time in quitting the dry, burning heat of the former locality for the
delightful climate of the latter station. She had, through friends,
secured a commodious bungalow, situated not far from the house
afterwards occupied by the Commissioner for Mysore, and she had
furnished her little house very nicely, and, in a word, made herself
very comfortable. Having no family with her, her two sons being grown-up
and both bearing commissions in the Company's Service, her means were
ample for all her requirements, including her palankeen, carriage, and
horses. Besides her pension she had her husband's savings, amounting to
8,000 Rs. or more.
She had inhabited the bungalow in question about three months, when she
was surprised by a visit from the cantonment Staff-Officer, who came to
announce to her that, by the new arrangement decided on by the General
and officers commanding the cantonment, she would be obliged, on or
before the 15th of the next month, to vacate her bungalow, as it, with
several others, had been appropriated to the new staff-lines, and that
he had come by order of the officer commanding the cantonment to give
her due notice.
Mrs. G. replied that she was indebted to the officer commanding the
cantonment for his politeness, but was sorry that Captain W. (the
cantonment Staff-Officer) should have been put to trouble on her
account. In a word, the politeness on both sides was perfect; everything
was so sweet and agreeable that milk and honey could not exceed it.
The Staff-Officer--who was to the backbone of the unmitigated Pomposo
breed, and who was generally known in the cantonment by the sobriquet of
'Immortal Jack,' being quite a young man at forty, dressing as such,
although, to hide his premature baldness, he was obliged to wear a
wig--retired quite delighted with his visit. He had sported his new
staff uniform before the cantonment, and he had, as he thought, settled
everything with Mrs. G., and so he reported to Colonel L.
Shortly after his departure, the lady sent for the houseman, who came at
her call, making numerous profound salaams as he entered the house.
'Well, Veneaty,' said the lady, 'are you still desirous of selling your
house? You told me when I first came here and took the remainder of
Captain Turner's lease, if I recollect rightly, that you were willing to
sell for 4,000 Rs. Is not that so?'
Now, Veneata-sawny, who was as cunning as a fox, having heard something
of the projected staff-lines, answered with all the apparent simplicity
of a child and all the practised skill of a lawyer: 'Missis please I
sell. Missis like to buy, I like very much to sell.'
'Very good, Veneaty. You know my lease has only four years to run, and
as I wish to make the house my own, I will speak to Mr. Cardoza, my
lawyer, to draw up the necessary papers, and you can bring a vakeel, on
your part, to see that all is right and just; and as soon as the papers
are signed I will pay the money.'
'Missis very good lady. I do as missis tell. To-morrow I come--I and
vakeel. Missis say what time.'
'Oh, you may come about ten o'clock; my breakfast will be finished
before nine.' So Veneaty departed, after the usual salaams. Mrs. G. at
once wrote to Mr. Cardoza, and on the morrow, a little before ten a.m.,
he repaired to his client's bungalow, and there found Veneata-sawny with
his vakeel. A conversation something to this effect then took place.
The first question put to Veneaty by Mr. C. was: 'Have you obtained the
General's permission to sell your bungalow, which is situate within the
lines of the cantonment?'
'I had permission when I gave lease to Captain Turner five years before.
Missis now got that lease.'
'That will not stand good now, I fear, as they are going to make new
rules for the cantonment,' observed Mr. C.
'But, sar,' said the vakeel, 'Missis like to buy. Missis can sell again
to Government.'
Now, this honest gentleman had ascertained that the utmost that could be
got from the cantonment authorities, if they purchased, would be 2,000
Rs. He and his wily friend Veneaty were therefore strongly disposed to
sell. Mrs. G. escaped the snare Veneaty had set for her through the
caution of Mr. C, who ascertained the facts of the case at Captain W.'s
office.
But though Mrs. G. did not buy, she held the lease of the house, and
continued to inhabit it and to pay the rent as usual. On the 2nd or 3rd
of the ensuing month, Veneaty again presented himself at Mrs. G.'s door
with the usual salaams.
'Good-morning, Veneaty,' said Mrs. G.; 'come for your rent, I suppose.'
'Missis please to give, I take.'