Courtship and Marriage.
The correct behavior of young men toward young ladies, and of young
ladies toward young men, during that portion of their lives when they
are respectively paying attention to, and receiving attention from, one
another, is a matter which requires consideration in a work of this
nature.
A GENTLEMAN'S CONDUCT TOWARD LADIES.
Young people of either sex, who have arrived at mature age, and who are
not engaged, have the utmost freedom in their social intercourse in this
country, and are at liberty to associate and mingle freely in the same
circles with those of the opposite sex. Gentlemen are at liberty to
invite their lady friends to concerts, operas, balls, etc., to call upon
them at their homes, to ride and drive with them, and make themselves
agreeable to all young ladies to whom their company is acceptable. In
fact they are at liberty to accept invitations and give them _ad
libitum_. As soon, however, as a young gentleman neglects all others,
to devote himself to a single lady, he gives that lady reason to suppose
that he is particularly attracted to her, and may give her cause to
believe that she is to become engaged to him, without telling her so. A
gentleman who does not contemplate matrimony should not pay too
exclusive attention to any one lady.
A LADY'S CONDUCT TOWARD GENTLEMEN.
A young lady who is not engaged may receive calls and attentions from
such unmarried gentlemen as she desires, and may accept invitations to
ride, to concerts, theatres, etc. She should use due discretion,
however, as to whom she favors by the acceptance of such invitations. A
young lady should not allow special attention from anyone to whom she is
not specially attracted, because, first, she may do injury to the
gentleman in seeming to give his suit encouragement; and, secondly, she
may keep away from her those whom she likes better, but who will not
approach her under the mistaken idea that her feelings are already
interested. A young lady should not encourage the addresses of a
gentleman unless she feels that she can return his affections. It is the
prerogative of a man to propose, and of a woman to accept or refuse, and
a lady of tact and kind heart will exercise her prerogative before her
suitor is brought to the humiliation of an offer which must result in a
refusal.
No well-bred lady will too eagerly receive the attentions of a
gentleman, no matter how much she admires him; nor, on the other hand,
will she be so reserved as to altogether discourage him. A man may show
considerable attention to a lady without becoming a lover; and so a lady
may let it be seen that she is not disagreeable to him without
discouraging him. She will be able to judge soon from his actions and
deportment, as to his motive in paying her his attentions, and will
treat him accordingly. A man does not like to be refused when he makes a
proposal, and no man of tact will risk a refusal. Neither will a
well-bred lady encourage a man to make a proposal, which she must
refuse. She should endeavor, in discouraging him as a lover, to retain
his friendship. A young man of sensibilities, who can take a hint when
it is offered him, need not run the risk of a refusal.
PREMATURE DECLARATION.
It is very injudicious, not to say presumptuous, for a gentleman to make
a proposal to a young lady on too brief an acquaintance. A lady who
would accept a gentleman at first sight can hardly possess the
discretion needed to make a good wife.
THOROUGH ACQUAINTANCE AS A BASIS FOR MARRIAGE.
Perhaps there is such a thing as love at first sight, but love alone is
a very uncertain foundation upon which to base marriage. There should be
thorough acquaintanceship and a certain knowledge of harmony of tastes
and temperaments before matrimony is ventured upon.
PROPER MANNER OF COURTSHIP.
It is impossible to lay down any rule as to the proper mode of courtship
and proposal. In France it is the business of the parents to settle all
preliminaries. In England the young man asks the consent of the parents
to pay addresses to their daughter. In this country the matter is left
almost entirely to the young people.
It seems that circumstances must determine whether courtship may lead to
engagement. Thus, a man may begin seriously to court a girl, but may
discover before any promise binds them to each other, that they are
entirely unsuited to one another, when he may, with perfect propriety
and without serious injury to the lady, withdraw his attentions.
Certain authorities insist that the consent of parents must always be
obtained before the daughter is asked to give herself in marriage. While
there is nothing improper or wrong in such a course, still, in this
country, with our social customs, it is deemed best in most cases not to
be too strict in this regard. Each case has its own peculiar
circumstances which must govern it, and it seems at least pardonable if
the young man should prefer to know his fate directly from the lips of
the most interested party, before he submits himself to the cooler
judgment and the critical observation of the father and mother, who are
not by any means in love with him, and who may possibly regard him with
a somewhat jealous eye, as having already monopolized their daughter's
affections, and now desires to take her away from them altogether.
PARENTS SHOULD EXERCISE AUTHORITY OVER DAUGHTERS.
Parents should always be perfectly familiar with the character of their
daughter's associates, and they should exercise their authority so far
as not to permit her to form any improper acquaintances. In regulating
the social relations of their daughter, parents should bear in mind the
possibility of her falling in love with any one with whom she may come
in frequent contact. Therefore, if any gentleman of her acquaintance is
particularly ineligible as a husband, he should be excluded as far as
practicable from her society.
A WATCHFUL CARE REQUIRED BY PARENTS.
Parents, especially mothers, should also watch with a jealous care the
tendencies of their daughter's affections; and if they see them turning
toward unworthy or undesirable objects, influence of some sort should be
brought to bear to counteract this. Great delicacy and tact are required
to manage matters rightly. A more suitable person may, if available, be
brought forward, in the hope of attracting the young girl's attention.
The objectionable traits of the undesirable suitor should be made
apparent to her without the act seeming to be intentional; and if all
this fails, let change of scene and surroundings by travel or visiting
accomplish the desired result. The latter course will generally do it,
if matters have not been allowed to progress too far and the young girl
is not informed _why_ she is temporarily banished from home.
AN ACCEPTABLE SUITOR.
Parents should always be able to tell from observation and instinct just
how matters stand with their daughter; and if the suitor is an
acceptable one and everything satisfactory, then the most scrupulous
rules of etiquette will not prevent their letting the young couple
alone. If the lover chooses to propose directly to the lady and consult
her father afterward, consider that he has a perfect right to do so. If
her parents have sanctioned his visits and attentions by a silent
consent, he has a right to believe that his addresses will be favorably
received by them.
REQUIREMENTS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE.
Respect for each other is as necessary to a happy marriage as that the
husband and wife should have an affection for one another. Social
equality, intellectual sympathy, and sufficient means are very important
matters to be considered by those who contemplate matrimony.
It must be remembered that husband and wife, after marriage, have social
relations to sustain, and perhaps it will be discovered, before many
months of wedded life have passed, when there is a social inequality,
that one of the two have made a sacrifice for which no adequate
compensation has been or ever will be received. And so both lives become
soured and spoiled, because neither receives nor can receive the
sympathy which their efforts deserve, and because their cares are
multiplied from a want of congeniality. One or the other may find that
the noble qualities seen by the impulse of early love, were but the
creation of an infatuated fancy, existing only in the mind where it
originated.
Another condition of domestic happiness is intellectual sympathy. Man
requires a woman who can make his home a place of rest for him, and
woman requires a man of domestic tastes. While a woman who seeks to find
happiness in a married life will never consent to be wedded to an idler
or a pleasure-seeker, so a man of intelligence will wed none but a woman
of intelligence and good sense. Neither beauty, physical characteristics
nor other external qualifications will compensate for the absence of
intellectual thought and clear and quick comprehensions. An absurd idea
is held by some that intelligence and domestic virtues cannot go
together; that an intellectual woman will never be content to stay at
home to look after the interests of her household and children. A more
unreasonable idea has never been suggested, for as the intellect is
strengthened and cultured, it has a greater capacity of affection, of
domesticity and of self-sacrifice for others.
Mutual trust and confidence are other requisites for happiness in
married life. There can be no true love without trust. The
responsibility of a man's life is in a woman's keeping from the moment
he puts his heart into her hands. Without mutual trust there can be no
real happiness.
Another requisite for conjugal happiness is moral and religious
sympathy, that each may walk side by side in the same path of moral
purpose and social usefulness, with joint hope of immortality.
PROPOSALS OF MARRIAGE.
Rules in regard to proposals of marriage cannot be laid down, for they
are and should be as different as people. The best way is to apply to
the lady in person, and receive the answer from her own lips. If courage
should fail a man in this, he can resort to writing, by which he can
clearly and boldly express his feelings. A spoken declaration should be
bold, manly and earnest, and so plain in its meaning that there can be
no misunderstanding. As to the exact words to be used, there can be no
set formula; each proposer must be governed by his own ideas and sense
of propriety in the matter.
DO NOT PRESS AN UNWELCOME SUIT.
A gentleman should evince a sincere and unselfish affection for his
beloved, and he will show as well as feel that her happiness must be
considered before his own. Consequently he should not press an unwelcome
suit upon a young lady. If she has no affection for him, and does not
conceive it possible even to entertain any, it is cruel to urge her to
give her person without her love. The eager lover may believe, for the
time being, that such possession would satisfy him, but the day will
surely come when he will reproach his wife that she had no love for him,
and he will possibly make that an excuse for all manner of unkindness.
A LADY'S FIRST REFUSAL.
It is not always necessary to take a lady's first refusal as absolute.
Diffidence or uncertainty as to her own feelings may sometimes influence
a lady to reply in the negative, and after-consideration cause her to
regret that reply.
Though a gentleman may repeat his suit with propriety after having been
once repulsed, still it should not be repeated too often nor too long,
lest it should degenerate into importuning.
No lady worthy any gentleman's regard will say "no" twice to a suit
which she intends ultimately to receive with favor. A lady should be
allowed all the time she requires before making up her mind; and if the
gentleman grows impatient at the delay, he is always at liberty to
insist on an immediate answer and abide by the consequences of his
impatience.
A LADY'S POSITIVE REFUSAL.
A lady who really means "no" should be able to so say it as to make her
meaning unmistakable. For her own sake and that of her suitor, if she
really desires the suit ended her denial should be positive, yet kind
and dignified, and of a character to let no doubt remain of its being
final.
TRIFLING WITH A LADY.
A man should never make a declaration in a jesting manner. It is most
unfair to a lady. He has no right to trifle with her feelings for mere
sport, nor has he a right to hide his own meaning under the guise of a
jest.
A DOUBTFUL ANSWER.
Nothing can be more unfair or more unjustifiable than a doubtful answer
given under the plea of sparing the suitor's feelings. It raises false
hopes. It renders a man restless and unsettled. It may cause him to
express himself or to shape his conduct in such a manner as he would not
dream of doing were his suit utterly hopeless.
HOW TO TREAT A REFUSAL.
As a woman is not bound to accept the first offer that is made to her,
so no sensible man will think the worse of her, nor feel himself
personally injured by a refusal. That it will give him pain is most
probable. A scornful "no" or a simpering promise to "think about it" is
the reverse of generous.
In refusing, the lady ought to convey her full sense of the high honor
intended her by the gentleman, and to add, seriously but not
offensively, that it is not in accordance with her inclination, or that
circumstances compel her to give an unfavorable answer.
UNLADYLIKE CONDUCT TOWARD A SUITOR.
It is only the contemptible flirt that keeps an honorable man in
suspense for the purpose of glorifying herself by his attentions in the
eyes of friends. Nor would any but a frivolous or vicious girl boast of
the offer she had received and rejected. Such an offer is a privileged
communication. The secret of it should be held sacred. No true lady
will ever divulge to anyone, unless it may be to her mother, the fact of
such an offer. It is the severest breach of honor to do so. A lady who
has once been guilty of boasting of an offer should never have a second
opportunity for thus boasting.
No true-hearted woman can entertain any other feeling than that of
commiseration for the man over whose happiness she has been compelled to
throw a cloud, while the idea of triumphing in his distress, or abusing
his confidence, must be inexpressibly painful to her.
THE REJECTED SUITOR.
The duty of the rejected suitor is quite clear. Etiquette demands that
he shall accept the lady's decision as final and retire from the field.
He has no right to demand the reason of her refusal. If she assign it,
he is bound to respect her secret, if it is one, and to hold it
inviolable. To persist in urging his suit or to follow up the lady with
marked attentions would be in the worst possible taste. The proper
course is to withdraw as much as possible, from the circles in which she
moves, so that she may be spared reminiscences which cannot be otherwise
than painful.
PRESENTS AFTER ENGAGEMENT.
When a couple become engaged, the gentleman presents the lady with a
ring, which is worn on the ring-finger of the right hand. He may also
make her other small presents from time to time, until they are married,
but if she has any scruples about accepting them, he can send her
flowers, which are at all times acceptable.
CONDUCT OF THE FIANCEE.
The conduct of the _fiancee_ should be tender, assiduous and
unobtrusive. He will be kind and polite to the sisters of his betrothed
and friendly with her brothers. Yet he must not be in any way unduly
familiar or force himself into family confidences on the ground that he
is to be regarded as a member of the family. Let the advance come rather
from them to him, and let him show a due appreciation of any confidences
which they may be pleased to bestow upon him. The family of the young
man should make the first advances toward an acquaintance with his
future wife. They should call upon her or write to her, and they may
with perfect propriety invite her to visit them in order that they may
become acquainted.
THE POSITION OF AN ENGAGED WOMAN.
An engaged woman should eschew all flirtations, though it does not
follow that she is to cut herself off from all association with the
other sex because she has chosen her future husband. She may still have
friends and acquaintances, she may still receive visits and calls, but
she must try to conduct herself in such a manner as to give no offense.
POSITION OF AN ENGAGED MAN.
The same rules may be laid down in regard to the other party to the
contract, only that he pays visits instead of receiving them. Neither
should assume a masterful or jealous altitude toward the other. They are
neither of them to be shut up away from the rest of the world, but must
mingle in society after marriage nearly the same as before, and take the
same delight in friendship. The fact that they have confessed their love
for each other, ought to be deemed a sufficient guarantee of
faithfulness; for the rest let there be trust and confidence.
THE RELATIONS OF AN ENGAGED COUPLE.
A young man has no right to put a slight upon his future bride by
appearing in public with other ladies while she remains neglected at
home. He is in future her legitimate escort. He should attend no other
lady when she needs his services; she should accept no other escort when
he is at liberty to attend her. A lady should not be too demonstrative
of her affection during the days of her engagement. There is always the
chance of "a slip 'twixt the cup and the lip;" and over-demonstrations
of love are not pleasant to be remembered by a young lady, if the man to
whom they are given by any chance fails to become her husband. An
honorable man will never tempt his future bride to any such
demonstration. He will always maintain a respectful and decorous
demeanor toward her.
No young man who would shrink from being guilty of a great impropriety,
should ever prolong his visits beyond ten o'clock, unless it be the
common custom of the family to remain up and to entertain visitors to a
later hour, and the visit paid is a family one and not a _tete-a-tete_.
Two hours is quite long enough for a call; and the young man will give
evidence of his affection no less than his consideration, by making his
visits short, and, if need be, making them often, rather than by
prolonging to unreasonable hours.
LOVERS' DISPUTES.
Neither party should try to make the other jealous for the purpose of
testing his or her affection. Such a course is contemptible; and if the
affections of the other are permanently lost by it, the offending party
is only gaining his or her just deserts. Neither should there be
provocation to little quarrels for the foolish delight of
reconciliation. No lover will assume a domineering attitude over his
future wife. If he does so, she will do well to escape from his thrall
before she becomes his wife in reality. A domineering lover will be
certain to be more domineering as a husband.
BREAKING AN ENGAGEMENT.
Sometimes it is necessary to break off an engagement. Many circumstances
will justify this. Indeed anything which may occur or be discovered
which shall promise to render the marriage an unsuitable or unhappy one
is, and should be accepted as, justification for such rupture. Still,
breaking an engagement is always a serious and distressing thing, and
ought not to be contemplated without absolute and just reasons. It is
generally best to break an engagement by letter. By this means one can
express himself or herself more clearly, and give the true reason for
his or her course much better than in a personal interview. The letter
breaking the engagement should be accompanied by everything, in the way
of portraits, letters or gifts, that has been received during the
engagement. Such letters should be acknowledged in a dignified manner,
and no efforts should be made or measures be taken to change the
decision of the writer, unless it is manifest that he or she is greatly
mistaken in his or her premises. A similar return of letters, portraits
and gifts should be made.
Many men, in taking retrospective glances, remember how they were
devoted to women, the memory of whom calls up only a vague sort of
wonder how they ever could have fallen into the state of infatuation in
which they once were. The same may be said of many women. Heart-breaking
separations have taken place between young men and young women who have
learned that the sting of parting does not last forever. The heart,
lacerated by a hopeless or misplaced attachment, when severed from the
cause of its woe, gradually heals and prepares itself to receive fresh
wounds, for affection requires either a constant contemplation of, or
intercourse, with its object, to keep it alive.
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