Conversation.
The character of a person is revealed by his conversation as much as by
any one quality he possesses, for strive as he may he cannot always be
acting.
IMPORTANCE OF CONVERSING WELL.
To be able to converse well is an attainment which should be cultivated
by every intelligent man and woman. It is better to be a good talker
than a good singer or musician, because the former is more widely
appreciated, and the company of a person who is able to talk well on a
great variety of subjects, is much sought after. The importance,
therefore, of cultivating the art of conversation, cannot easily be
over-estimated. It should be the aim of all intelligent persons to
acquire the habit of talking sensibly and with facility upon all topics
of general interest to society, so that they may both interest others
and be themselves interested, in whatever company they may chance to be
thrown.
TRAINING CHILDREN.
The training for this should be commenced in early childhood. Parents
should not only encourage their children to express themselves freely
upon everything that attracts their attention and interests them, but
they should also incite their faculties of perception, memory and close
observation, by requiring them to recount everything, even to its
minutest details, that they may have observed in walking to and from
school, or in taking a ride in a carriage or in the cars. By training a
child to a close observation of everything he meets or passes, his mind
becomes very active, and the habit having once been acquired, he becomes
interested in a great variety of objects; sees more and enjoys more than
one who has not been so trained.
CULTIVATING THE MEMORY.
A good memory is an invaluable aid in acquiring the art of conversation,
and the cultivation and training of this faculty is a matter of
importance. Early youth is the proper time to begin this training, and
parents and teachers should give special attention to the cultivation of
memory. When children are taken to church, or to hear a lecture, they
should be required to relate or to write down from memory, such a digest
of the sermon or lecture as they can remember. Adults may also adopt
this plan for cultivating the memory, and they will be surprised to find
how continued practice in this will improve this faculty. The practice
of taking notes impairs rather than aids the memory, for then a person
relies almost entirely in the notes taken, and does not tax the memory
sufficiently. A person should also train himself to remember the names
of persons whom he becomes acquainted with, so as to recall them
whenever or wherever he may subsequently meet them. It is related of a
large wholesale boot and shoe merchant of an eastern city, that he was
called upon one day by one of his best customers, residing in a distant
city, whom he had frequently met, but whose name, at the time, he could
not recall, and received his order for a large bill of goods. As he was
about to leave, the merchant asked his name, when the customer
indignantly replied that he supposed he was known by a man from whom he
had purchased goods for many years, and countermanding his order, he
left the store, deaf to all attempts at explanation. Though this may be
an extreme case, it illustrates the importance of remembering the names
of people when circumstances require it.
HENRY CLAY'S MEMORY OF NAMES.
One secret of Henry Clay's popularity as a politician was his faculty of
remembering the names of persons he had met. It is said of him that if
he was once introduced to a person, he was ever afterwards able to call
him by name, and recount the circumstances of their first meeting. This
faculty he cultivated after he entered upon the practice of law in
Kentucky, and soon after he began his political life. At that time his
memory for names was very poor, and he resolved to improve it. He
adopted the practice, just before retiring at night, of recalling the
names of all the persons he had met during the day, writing them in a
note book, and repeating over the list the next morning. By this
practice, he acquired in time, his wonderful faculty in remembering the
names of persons he had become acquainted with.
WRITING AS AN AID TO CORRECT TALKING.
To converse correctly--to use correct language in conversation--is also
a matter of importance, and while this can be acquired by a strict
attention to grammatical rules, it can be greatly facilitated by the
habit of writing down one's thoughts. In writing, strict regard is, or
should be, paid to the correct use of language, and when a person, from
constant writing, acquires the habit of using correct language, this
habit will follow him in talking. A person who is accustomed to much
writing, will always be found to use language correctly in speaking.
REQUISITES FOR A GOOD TALKER.
To be a good talker then, one should be possessed of much general
information, acquired by keen observation, attentive listening, a good
memory, extensive reading and study, logical habits of thought, and have
a correct knowledge of the use of language. He should also aim at a
clear intonation, well chosen phraseology and correct accent. These
acquirements are within the reach of every person of ordinary ability,
who has a determination to possess them, and the energy and perseverance
to carry out that determination.
VULGARISMS.
In conversation, one must scrupulously guard against vulgarisms.
Simplicity and terseness of language are the characteristics of a well
educated and highly cultivated person. It is the uneducated or those who
are but half educated, who use long words and high-sounding phrases. A
hyperbolical way of speaking is mere flippancy, and should be avoided.
Such phrases as "awfully pretty," "immensely jolly," "abominably
stupid," "disgustingly mean," are of this nature, and should be avoided.
Awkwardness of attitude is equally as bad as awkwardness of speech.
Lolling, gesticulating, fidgeting, handling an eye-glass or watch chain
and the like, give an air of _gaucherie_, and take off a certain
percentage from the respect of others.
LISTENING.
The habit of listening with interest and attention is one which should
be specially cultivated. Even if the talker is prosy and prolix, the
well-bred person will appear interested, and at appropriate intervals
make such remarks as shall show that he has heard and understood all
that has been said. Some superficial people are apt to style this
hypocrisy; but if it is, it is certainly a commendable hypocrisy,
directly founded on that strict rule of good manners which commands us
to show the same courtesy to others that we hope to receive ourselves.
We are commanded to check our impulses, conceal our dislikes, and even
modify our likings whenever or wherever these are liable to give
offense or pain to others. The person who turns away with manifest
displeasure, disgust or want of interest when another is addressing him,
is guilty not only of an ill-bred, but a cruel act.
FLIPPANCY.
In conversation all provincialism, affectations of foreign accents,
mannerisms, exaggerations and slang are detestable. Equally to be
avoided are inaccuracies of expression, hesitation, an undue use of
foreign words, and anything approaching to flippancy, coarseness,
triviality or provocation. Gentlemen sometimes address ladies in a very
flippant manner, which the latter are obliged to pass over without
notice, for various reasons, while inwardly they rebel. Many a worthy
man has done himself an irreparable injury by thus creating a lasting
prejudice in the minds of those whom he might have made his friends, had
he addressed them as though he considered them rational beings, capable
of sustaining their part in a conversation upon sensible subjects.
Flippancy is as much an evidence of ill-breeding as is the perpetual
smile, the wandering eye, the vacant stare, and the half-opened mouth of
the man who is preparing to break in upon the conversation.
BE SYMPATHETIC AND ANIMATED.
Do not go into society unless you make up your mind to be sympathetic,
unselfish, animating, as well as animated. Society does not require
mirth, but it does demand cheerfulness and unselfishness, and you must
help to make and sustain cheerful conversation. The manner of
conversation is as important as the matter.
COMPLIMENTS.
Compliments are said by some to be inadmissible. But between equals, or
from those of superior position to those of inferior station,
compliments should be not only acceptable but gratifying. It is pleasant
to know that our friends think well of us, and it is always agreeable to
know that we are thought well of by those who hold higher positions,
such as men of superior talent, or women of superior culture.
Compliments which are not sincere, are only flattery and should be
avoided; but the saying of kind things, which is natural to the kind
heart, and which confers pleasure, should be cultivated, at least not
suppressed. Those parents who strive most for the best mode of training
their children are said to have found that it is never wise to censure
them for a fault, without preparing the way by some judicious mention of
their good qualities.
SLANG.
All slang is vulgar. It lowers the tone of society and the standard of
thought. It is a great mistake to suppose that slang is in any manner
witty. Only the very young or the uncultivated so consider it.
FLATTERY.
Do not be guilty of flattery. The flattery of those richer than
ourselves or better born is vulgar, and born of rudeness, and is sure
to be received as emanating from unworthy motives. Testify your respect,
your admiration, and your gratitude by deeds more than words. Words are
easy but deeds are difficult. Few will believe the former, but the
latter will carry confirmation with them.
SCANDAL AND GOSSIP.
Scandal is the least excusable of all conversational vulgarities. Envy
prompts the tongue of the slanderer. Jealousy is the disturber of the
harmony of all interests. A writer on this subject says: "Gossip is a
troublesome sort of insect that only buzzes about your ears and never
bites deep; slander is the beast of prey that leaps upon you from its
den and tears you in pieces. Slander is the proper object of rage;
gossip of contempt." Those who best understand the nature of gossip and
slander, if the victims of both, will take no notice of the former, but
will allow no slander of themselves to go unrefuted during their
lifetime, to spring up in a hydra-headed attack upon their children. No
woman can be too sensitive as to any charges affecting her moral
character, whether in the influence of her companionship, or in the
influence of her writings.
RELIGION AND POLITICS.
Religion and politics are topics that should never be introduced into
general conversation, for they are subjects dangerous to harmony.
Persons are most likely to differ, and least likely to preserve their
tempers on these topics. Long arguments in general company, however
entertaining to the disputants, are very tiresome to the hearers.
SATIRE AND RIDICULE.
Young persons appear ridiculous when satirizing or ridiculing books,
people or things. Opinions to be worth the consideration of others
should have the advantage of coming from mature persons. Cultivated
people are not in the habit of resorting to such weapons as satire and
ridicule. They find too much to correct in themselves to indulge in
coarse censure of the conduct of others, who may not have had advantages
equal to their own.
TITLES.
In addressing persons with titles always add the name; as "what do you
think of it, Doctor Hayes?" not "what do you think of it, Doctor?" In
speaking of foreigners the reverse of the English rule is observed. No
matter what the title of a Frenchman is, he is always addressed as
_Monsieur_, and you never omit the word _Madame_, whether addressing a
duchess or a dressmaker. The former is "_Madame la Duchesse_," the
latter plain "_Madame_." Always give a foreigner his title. If General
Sherman travels in Europe and is received by the best classes with the
dignity that his worth, culture and position as an American general
demand, he will never be called Mr. Sherman, but his title will
invariably precede his name. There are persons who fancy that the
omission of the title is annoying to the party who possesses it, but
this is not the ground taken why the title should be given, but because
it reveals either ignorance or ill-breeding on the part of those
omitting it.
CHRISTIAN NAMES.
There is a class of persons, who from ignorance of the customs of good
society, or from carelessness, speak of persons by their Christian
names, who are neither relations nor intimate friends. This is a
familiarity which, outside of the family circle, and beyond friends of
the closest intimacy, is never indulged in by the well-bred.
INTERRUPTION.
Interruption of the speech of others is a great sin against
good-breeding. It has been aptly said that if you interrupt a speaker in
the middle of a sentence, you act almost as rudely as if, when walking
with a companion, you were to thrust yourself before him and stop his
progress.
ADAPTABILITY IN CONVERSATION.
The great secret of talking well is to adapt your conversation, as
skillfully as may be, to your company. Some men make a point of talking
commonplace to all ladies alike, as if a woman could only be a trifler.
Others, on the contrary, seem to forget in what respects the education
of a lady differs from that of a gentleman, and commit the opposite
error of conversing on topics with which ladies are seldom acquainted,
and in which few, if any, are ever interested. A woman of sense has as
much right to be annoyed by the one, as a woman of ordinary education by
the other. If you really wish to be thought agreeable, sensible,
amiable, unselfish and even well-informed, you should lead the way, in
_tete-a-tete_ conversations, for sportsmen to talk of their shooting, a
mother to talk of her children, a traveler of his journeys and the
countries he has visited, a young lady of her last ball and the
prospective ones, an artist of his picture and an author of his book. To
show any interest in the immediate concerns of people is very
complimentary, and when not in general society one is privileged to do
this. People take more interest in their own affairs than in anything
else you can name, and if you manifest an interest to hear, there are
but few who will not sustain conversation by a narration of their
affairs in some form or another. Thackeray says: "Be interested by other
people and by their affairs. It is because you yourself are selfish that
that other person's self does not interest you."
CORRECT USE OF WORDS.
The correct use of words is indispensable to a good talker who would
escape the unfavorable criticism of an educated listener. There are many
words and phrases, used in some cases by persons who have known better,
but who have become careless from association with others who make
constant use of them. "Because that" and "but that" should never be used
in connection, the word "that" being entirely superfluous. The word
"vocation" is often used for "avocation." "Unhealthy" food is spoken of
when it should be "unwholesome." "Had not ought to" is sometimes heard
for "ought not to;" "banister" for "baluster;" "handsful" and
"spoonsful" for "handfuls" and "spoonfuls;" "it was him" for "it was
he;" "it was me" for "it was I;" "whom do you think was there?" for "who
do you think was there?"; "a mutual friend" for "a common friend;" "like
I did" instead of "as I did;" "those sort of things" instead of "this
sort of things;" "laying down" for "lying down;" "setting on a chair"
for "sitting on a chair;" "try and make him" instead of "try to make
him;" "she looked charmingly" for "she looked charming;" "loan" for
"lend;" "to get along" instead of "to get on;" "cupalo" instead of
"cupola;" "who" for "whom"--as, "who did you see" for "whom did you
see;" double negatives, as, "he did not do neither of those things;"
"lesser" for "least;" "move" instead of "remove;" "off-set" instead of
"set-off," and many other words which are often carelessly used by those
who have been better taught, as well as by those who are ignorant of
their proper use.
SPEAKING ONE'S MIND.
Certain honest but unthinking people often commit the grievous mistake
of "speaking their mind" on all occasions and under all circumstances,
and oftentimes to the great mortification of their hearers. And
especially do they take credit to themselves for their courage, if their
freedom of speech happens to give offense to any of them. A little
reflection ought to show how cruel and unjust this is. The law restrains
us from inflicting bodily injury upon those with whom we disagree, yet
there is no legal preventive against this wounding of the feeling of
others.
UNWISE EXPRESSION OF OPINION.
Another class of people, actuated by the best of intentions, seem to
consider it a duty to parade their opinions upon all occasions, and in
all places without reflecting that the highest truth will suffer from an
unwise and over-zealous advocacy. Civility requires that we give to the
opinions of others the same toleration that we exact for our own, and
good sense should cause us to remember that we are never likely to
convert a person to our views when we begin by violating his notions of
propriety and exciting his prejudices. A silent advocate of a cause is
always better than an indiscreet one.
PROFANITY.
No gentleman uses profane language. It is unnecessary to add that no
gentleman will use profane language in the presence of a lady. For
profanity there is no excuse. It is a low and paltry habit, acquired
from association with low and paltry spirits, who possess no sense of
honor, no regard for decency and no reverence or respect for beings of a
higher moral or religious nature than themselves. The man who habitually
uses profane language, lowers his moral tone with every oath he utters.
Moreover, the silliness of the practice, if no other reason, should
prevent its use by every man of good sense.
PUBLIC MENTION OF PRIVATE MATTERS.
Do not parade merely private matters before a public or mixed assembly
or to acquaintances. If strangers really wish to become informed about
you or your affairs, they will find the means to gratify their curiosity
without your advising them gratuitously. Besides, personal and family
affairs, no matter how interesting they may be to the parties
immediately concerned, are generally of little moment to outsiders.
Still less will the well-bred person inquire into or narrate the private
affairs of any other family or individual.
OSTENTATIOUS DISPLAY OF KNOWLEDGE.
In refined and intelligent society one should always display himself at
his best, and make a proper and legitimate use of all such acquirements
as he may happen to have. But there should be no ostentatious or
pedantic show of erudition. Besides being vulgar, such a show subjects
the person to ridicule.
PRUDERY.
Avoid an affectation of excessive modesty. Do not use the word "limb"
for "leg." If legs are really improper, then let us, on no account,
mention them. But having found it necessary to mention them, let us by
all means give them their appropriate name.
DOUBLE ENTENDRES.
No person of decency, still less of delicacy, will be guilty of _double
entendre_. A well-bred person always refuses to understand a phrase of
doubtful meaning. If the phrase may be interpreted decently, and with
such interpretation would provoke a smile, then smile to just the degree
called for by such interpretation, and no more. The prudery which sits
in solemn and severe rebuke at a _double entendre_ is only second in
indelicacy to the indecency which grows hilarious over it, since both
must recognize the evil intent. It is sufficient to let it pass
unrecognized.
INDELICATE WORDS AND EXPRESSIONS.
Not so when one hears an indelicate word or expression, which allows of
no possible harmless interpretation. Then not the shadow of a smile
should flit across the lips. Either complete silence should be preserved
in return, or the words, "I do not understand you," be spoken. A lady
will always fail to hear that which she should not hear, or, having
unmistakably heard, she will not understand.
VULGAR EXCLAMATIONS.
No lady should make use of any feminine substitute for profanity. The
woman who exclaims "The Dickens!" or "Mercy!" or "Goodness!" when she is
annoyed or astonished, is as vulgar in spirit, though perhaps not quite
so regarded by society, as though she had used expressions which it
would require but little stretch of the imagination to be regarded as
profane.
WIT.
You may be witty and amusing if you like, or rather if you can; but
never use your wit at the expense of others.
"Wit's an unruly engine, wildly striking
Sometimes a friend, sometimes the engineer;
Hast thou the knack? pamper it not with liking;
But if thou want it, buy it not too dear.
Many affecting wit beyond their power
Have got to be a dear fool for an hour."--HERBERT.
DISPLAY OF EMOTIONS.
Avoid all exhibitions of temper before others, if you find it impossible
to suppress them entirely. All emotions, whether of grief or joy, should
be subdued in public, and only allowed full play in the privacy of your
own apartments.
IMPERTINENT QUESTIONS.
Never ask impertinent questions. Some authorities in etiquette even go
so far as to say that _all_ questions are strictly tabooed. Thus, if you
wished to inquire after the health of the brother of your friend, you
would say, "I hope your brother is well," not, "How is your brother's
health?"
THE CONFIDENCE OF OTHERS.
Never try to force yourself into the confidence of others; but if they
give you their confidence of their own free will, let nothing whatever
induce you to betray it. Never seek to pry into a secret, and never
divulge one.
USE OF FOREIGN LANGUAGE.
Do not form the habit of introducing words and phrases of French or
other foreign languages into common conversation. This is only allowable
in writing, and not then except when the foreign word or phrase
expresses more clearly and directly than English can do the desired
meaning. In familiar conversation this is an affectation, only
pardonable when all persons present are particularly familiar with the
language.
PRETENSES.
Avoid all pretense at gentility. Pass for what you are, and nothing
more. If you are obliged to make any little economies, do not be ashamed
to acknowledge them as economies, if it becomes necessary to speak of
them at all. If you keep no carriage, do not be over-solicitous to
impress upon your friends that the sole reason for this deficiency is
because you prefer to walk. Do not be ashamed of poverty; but, on the
other hand, do not flaunt its rags unmercifully in the faces of others.
It is better to say nothing about it, either in excuse or defense.
DOGMATIC STYLE OF SPEAKING.
Never speak dogmatically or with an assumption of knowledge or
information beyond that of those with whom you are conversing. Even if
you are conscious of this superiority, a proper and becoming modesty
will lead you to conceal it as far as possible, that you may not put to
shame or humiliation those less fortunate than yourself. If they
discover your superiority of their own accord, they will have much more
admiration for you than though you forced the recognition upon them. If
they do not discover it, you cannot force it upon their perceptions, and
they will only hold you in contempt for trying to do so. Besides, there
is the possibility that you over-estimate yourself, and instead of being
a wise man you are only a self-sufficient fool.
FAULT-FINDING.
Do not be censorious or fault-finding. Long and close friendship may
sometimes excuse one friend in reproving or criticising another, but it
must always be done in the kindest and gentlest manner, and in nine
cases out of ten had best be left undone. When one is inclined to be
censorious or critical, it is well to remember the scriptural
injunction, "First cast the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt
thou see clearly to cast the mote out of thy brother's eye."
CONVERSING WITH LADIES.
A gentleman should never lower the intellectual standard of his
conversation in addressing ladies. Pay them the compliment of seeming to
consider them capable of an equal understanding with gentlemen. You
will, no doubt, be somewhat surprised to find in how many cases the
supposition will be grounded on fact, and in the few instances where it
is not, the ladies will be pleased rather than offended at the delicate
compliment you pay them. When you "come down" to commonplace or
small-talk with an intelligent lady, one of two things is the
consequence; she either recognizes the condescension and despises you,
or else she accepts it as the highest intellectual effort of which you
are capable, and rates you accordingly.
HOBBIES.
People with hobbies are at once the easiest and most difficult persons
with whom to engage in conversation. On general subjects they are
idealess and voiceless beyond monosyllables. But introduce their special
hobby, and if you choose you need only to listen. There is much profit
to be derived from the conversation of these persons. They will give you
a clearer idea of the aspects of any subject or theory which they may
have taken to heart, than you could perhaps gain in any other way.
The too constant riding of hobbies is not, however, to be specially
recommended. An individual, though he may be pardoned in cultivating
special tastes, should yet be possessed of sufficiently broad and
general information to be able to converse intelligently on all
subjects, and he should, as far as possible, reserve his hobby-riding
for exhibition before those who ride hobbies similar to his own.
THINGS TO BE AVOIDED.
It must be remembered that a social gathering should never be made the
arena of a dispute. Consequently every subject liable to provoke a
discussion should be avoided. Even slight inaccuracy in a statement of
facts or opinions should rarely be remarked on in conversation.
Do not permit yourself to lose your temper in society, nor show that you
have taken offense at a supposed slight.
If anyone should assume a disagreeable tone of voice or offensive manner
toward you, never return it in company, and, above all, do not adopt the
same style of conversation with him. Appear not to notice it, and
generally it will be discontinued, as it will be seen that it has failed
in its object.
Avoid all coarseness and undue familiarity in addressing others. A
person who makes himself offensively familiar will have few friends.
Never attack the character of others in their absence; and if you hear
others attacked, say what you can consistently to defend them.
If you are talking on religious subjects, avoid all cant. Cant words and
phrases may be used in good faith from the force of habit, but their use
subjects the speaker to a suspicion of insincerity.
Do not ask the price of articles you observe, except from intimate
friends, and then very quietly, and only for some good reason.
Do not appear to notice an error in language, either in pronunciation or
grammar, made by the person with whom you are conversing, and do not
repeat correctly the same word or phrase. This would be as ill-bred as
to correct it when spoken.
Mimicry is ill-bred, and must be avoided.
Sneering at the private affairs of others has long ago been banished
from the conversation of well-mannered people.
Never introduce unpleasant topics, nor describe revolting scenes in
general company.
Never give officious advice. Even when sought for, give advice
sparingly.
Never, directly or indirectly, refer to the affairs of others, which it
may give them pain in any degree to recall.
Never hold your companion in conversation by the button-hole. If you are
obliged to detain him forcibly in order to say what you wish, you are
pressing upon him what is disagreeable or unwelcome, and you commit a
gross breach of etiquette in so doing.
Especially avoid contradictions, interruptions and monopolizing all
conversation yourself. These faults are all intolerable and very
offensive.
To speak to one person in a company in ambiguous terms, understood by
him alone, is as rude as if you had whispered in his ear.
Avoid stale and trite remarks on commonplace subjects; also all egotism
and anecdotes of personal adventure and exploit, unless they should be
called out by persons you are conversing with.
To make a classical quotation in a mixed company is considered pedantic
and out of place, as is also an ostentatious display of your learning.
A gentleman should avoid talking about his business or profession,
unless such matters are drawn from him by the person with whom he is
conversing. It is in bad taste, particularly, to employ technical or
professional terms in general conversation.
Long arguments or heated discussions are apt to be tiresome to others,
and should be avoided.
It is considered extremely ill-bred for two persons to whisper in
society, or to converse in a language with which all persons are not
familiar.
Avoid talking too much, and do not inflict upon your hearers
interminably long stories, in which they can have but little interest.
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