Dinner Giving and Dining Out.
Dining should be ranked among the fine arts. A knowledge of dinner-table
etiquette is all important in many respects; but chiefly in this: that
it is regarded as one of the strong tests of good breeding. Dinners are
generally looked upon as entertainments for married people and the
middle aged, but it is often desirable to have some young unmarried
persons among the guests.
WHOM TO INVITE.
Those invited should be of the same standing in society. They need not
necessarily be friends, nor even acquaintances, but, at dinner, as
people come into closer contact than at a dance, or any other kind of a
party, those only should be invited to meet one another who move in the
same class of circles. Care must, of course, be taken that those whom
you think agreeable to each other are placed side by side around the
festive board. Good talkers are invaluable at a dinner party--people who
have fresh ideas and plenty of warm words to clothe them in; but good
listeners are equally invaluable.
INVITATIONS.
Invitations to dinner parties are not usually sent by post, in cities,
and are only answered by post where the distance is such as to make it
inconvenient to send the note by hand. They are issued in the name of
the gentleman and lady of the house, from two to ten days in advance.
They should be answered as soon as received, without fail, as it is
necessary that the host and hostess should know who are to be their
guests. If the invitation is accepted, the engagement should, on no
account, be lightly broken. This rule is a binding one, as the
non-arrival of an expected guest produces disarrangement of plans.
Gentlemen cannot be invited without their wives, where other ladies than
those of the family are present; nor ladies without their husbands, when
other ladies are invited with their husbands. This rule has no
exceptions. No more than three out of a family should be invited, unless
the dinner party is a very large one.
MANNER OF WRITING INVITATIONS.
The invitations should be written on small note paper, which may have
the initial letter or monogram stamped upon it, but good taste forbids
anything more. The envelope should match the sheet of paper. The
invitation should be issued in the name of the host and hostess. The
form of invitations should be as follows:
[Illustration:
Mr. and Mrs. Potter request the pleasure of Mr.
and Mrs. Barton's company at dinner on Thursday,
the 13th of October at 5 o'clock.]
An answer should be returned at once, so that if the invitation is
declined the hostess may modify her arrangements accordingly.
INVITATION ACCEPTED.
An acceptance may be given in the following form, and may be sent either
by post or messenger:
[Illustration:
Mr. and Mrs. Barton have much pleasure in
accepting Mr. and Mrs. Potter's invitation for
October 13th.]
INVITATION DECLINED.
The invitation is declined in the following manner:
[Illustration:
Mr. and Mrs. Barton regret that a previous
engagement (_or whatever the cause may be_)
prevents their having the pleasure of accepting
Mr. and Mrs. Potter's invitation at dinner for
October 13th.]
Or,
[Illustration:
Mr. and Mrs. Barton regret exceedingly that owing
to (_whatever the preventing cause may be_), they
cannot have the pleasure of dining with Mr. and
Mrs. Potter on Thursday, October 13th.]
Whatever the cause for declining may be, it should be stated briefly,
yet plainly, that there may be no occasion for misunderstanding or hard
feelings.
INVITATION TO TEA-PARTY.
The invitation to a tea-party may be less formal. It may take the form
of a friendly note, something in this manner:
[Illustration:
Dear Miss Summer:
We have some friends coming to drink tea with us
to-morrow: will you give us the pleasure of your
company also? We hope you will not disappoint us.]
FAILING TO FILL AN ENGAGEMENT.
When it becomes absolutely necessary to break an engagement once made
for dinner or tea, a note must be sent at once to the hostess and host,
with full explanation of the cause, so that your place may be supplied,
if possible.
PUNCTUALITY.
The hour generally selected in cities is after business hours, or from
five to eight o'clock. In the country or villages it may be an hour or
two earlier. To be punctual at the hour mentioned is obligatory. If you
are too early you are in the way; if too late you annoy the hostess,
cause impatience among the assembled guests, and perhaps spoil the
dinner. Fifteen minutes is the longest time required to wait for a tardy
guest.
THE SUCCESS OF A DINNER.
A host and hostess generally judge of the success of a dinner by the
manner in which conversation has been sustained. If it has flagged
often, it is considered proof that the guests have not been congenial;
but if a steady stream of talk has been kept up, it shows that they have
smoothly amalgamated, as a whole. No one should monopolize conversation,
unless he wishes to win for himself the appellation of a bore, and be
avoided as such.
THE TABLE APPOINTMENTS.
A snow-white cloth of the finest damask, beautiful china, glistening or
finely engraved glass, and polished plate are considered essential to a
grand dinner. Choice flowers, ferns and mosses tastefully arranged, add
much to the beauty of the table. A salt-cellar should be within the
reach of every guest. Napkins should be folded square and placed with a
roll of bread upon each plate. The dessert is placed on the table amidst
the flowers. An _epergne_, or a low dish of flowers, graces the centre;
stands of bon-bons and confectionery are ranged on both sides of the
table, which complete the decorations of the table. The name of each
guest, written upon a card and placed one on each plate, marks the seat
assigned.
ASSIGNING PARTNERS FOR DINNER.
The number at a dinner should not be less than six, nor more than twelve
or fourteen. Then the host will be able to designate to each gentleman
the lady whom he is to conduct to the table; but when the number exceeds
this limit it is a good plan to have the name of each couple written
upon a card and enclosed in an addressed envelope, ready to be handed to
the gentleman by the servant, before entering the drawing-room, or left
on a tray for the guests to select those which bear their names.
If a gentleman finds upon his card the name of a lady with whom he is
unacquainted, he requests the host to present him immediately after he
has spoken with the hostess, also to any members of the family with whom
he is not acquainted.
INTRODUCTIONS.
All the guests should secure introductions to the one for whom the
dinner is given. If two persons, unknown to each other, find themselves
placed side by side at a table, they may enter into conversation without
an introduction.
ARRANGEMENTS OF GUESTS AT THE TABLE.
When dinner is announced, the host offers his right arm to the lady he
is to escort to the table. The others follow, arm in arm, the hostess
being the last to leave the drawing-room. Age should take the precedence
in proceeding from the drawing-room to the dining-room, the younger
falling back until the elder have advanced. The host escorts the eldest
lady or the greatest stranger, or if there be a bride present,
precedence is given to her, unless the dinner is given for another
person, in which case he escorts the latter. The hostess is escorted
either by the greatest stranger, or some gentleman whom she wishes to
place in the seat of honor, which is at her right. The host places the
lady whom he escorts at his right. The seats of the host and hostess may
be in the middle and at opposite sides of the table, or at the opposite
ends. Husbands should not escort their wives, or brothers their sisters,
as this partakes of the nature of a family gathering.
DINNER A LA RUSSE.
The latest and most satisfactory plan for serving dinners is the dinner
_a la Russe_ (the Russian style)--all the food being placed upon a side
table, and servants do the carving and waiting. This style gives an
opportunity for more profuse ornamentation of the table, which, as the
meal progresses, does not become encumbered with partially empty dishes
and platters.
DUTIES OF SERVANTS.
The servants commence, in passing the dishes, one upon the right of the
host and one upon the right of the hostess. A master or mistress should
never censure the servants at dinner, however things may go wrong.
Servants should wear thin-soled shoes that their steps may be
noiseless, and if they should use napkins in serving (as is the English
custom) instead of gloves, their hands and nails should be faultlessly
clean. A good servant is never awkward. He avoids coughing, breathing
hard or treading on a lady's dress; never lets any article drop, and
deposits plates, glasses, knives, forks and spoons noiselessly. It is
considered good form for a servant not to wear gloves in waiting at
table, but to use a damask napkin, with one corner wrapped around the
thumb, that he may not touch the plates and dishes with the naked hand.
SOUP.
Soup is the first course. All should accept it even if they let it
remain untouched, because it is better to make a pretense of eating
until the next course is served, than to sit waiting, or compel the
servants to serve one before the rest. Soup should not be called for a
second time. A soup-plate should never be tilted for the last spoonful.
FISH.
Fish follows soup and must be eaten with a fork, unless fish knives are
provided. If fish knives are not provided, a piece of bread in the left
hand answers the purpose as well, with the fork in the right hand. Fish
may be declined, but must not be called for a second time.
THE SIDE DISHES.
After soup and fish come the side dishes, which must be eaten with the
fork, though the knife is used in cutting meats and anything too hard
for a fork.
GENERAL RULES REGARDING DINNER.
When the plate of each course is set before you, with the knife and fork
upon it, remove the knife and fork at once. This matter should be
carefully attended to, as the serving of an entire course is delayed by
neglecting to remove them.
Greediness should not be indulged in. Indecision must be avoided. Do not
take up one piece and lay it down in favor of another, or hesitate.
Never allow the servant, or the one who pours, to fill your glass with
wine that you do not wish to drink. You can check him by touching the
rim of your glass.
Cheese is eaten with a fork and not with a knife.
If you have occasion to speak to a servant, wait until you can catch his
eye, and then ask in a low tone for what you want.
The mouth should always be kept closed in eating, and both eating and
drinking should be noiseless.
Bread is broken at dinner. Vegetables are eaten with a fork.
Asparagus can be taken up with the fingers, if preferred. Olives and
artichokes are always so eaten.
Fruit is eaten with silver knives and forks.
You are at liberty to refuse a dish that you do not wish to eat. If any
course is set down before you that you do not wish, do not touch it.
Never play with food, nor mince your bread, nor handle the glass and
silver near you unnecessarily.
Never reprove a waiter for negligence or improper conduct; that is the
business of the host.
When a dish is offered you, accept or refuse at once, and allow the
waiter to pass on. A gentleman will see that the lady whom he has
escorted to the table is helped to all she wishes, but it is
officiousness to offer to help other ladies who have escorts.
If the guests pass the dishes to one another, instead of being helped by
a servant, you should always help yourself from the dish, if you desire
it at all, before passing it on to the next.
A knife should never, on any account, be put into the mouth. Many
people, even well-bred in other respects, seem to regard this as an
unnecessary regulation; but when we consider that it is a rule of
etiquette, and that its violation causes surprise and disgust to many
people, it is wisest to observe it.
Be careful to remove the bones from fish before eating. If a bone
inadvertently should get into the mouth, the lips must be covered with
the napkin in removing it. Cherry stones and grape skins should be
removed from the mouth as unobtrusively as possible, and deposited on
the side of the plate.
Never use a napkin in place of a handkerchief for wiping the forehead,
face or nose.
Pastry should be eaten with a fork. Every thing that can be cut without
a knife should be eaten with the fork alone. Pudding may be eaten with a
fork or spoon.
Never lay your hand, or play with your fingers, upon the table. Do not
toy with your knife, fork or spoon, make crumbs of your bread, or draw
imaginary lines upon the table cloth.
Never bite fruit. An apple, peach or pear should be peeled with a knife,
and all fruit should be broken or cut.
WAITING ON OTHERS.
If a gentleman is seated by the side of a lady or elderly person,
politeness requires him to save them all trouble of procuring for
themselves anything to eat or drink, and of obtaining whatever they are
in want of at the table, and he should be eager to offer them what he
thinks may be most to their taste.
PRAISING DISHES.
A hostess should not express pride regarding what is on her table, nor
make apologies if everything she offers you is not to her satisfaction.
It is much better that she should observe silence in this respect, and
allow her guests to eulogize her dinner or not, as they deem proper.
Neither is it in good taste to urge guests to eat, nor to load their
plates against their inclination.
MONOPOLIZING CONVERSATION.
For one or two persons to monopolize a conversation which ought to be
general, is exceedingly rude. If the dinner party is a large one, you
may converse with those near you, raising the voice only loud enough to
be distinctly heard by the persons you are talking with.
PICKING TEETH AT THE TABLE.
It is a mark of rudeness to pick your teeth at the table, and it should
always be avoided. To hold your hand or napkin over your mouth does not
avoid the rudeness of the act, but if it becomes a matter of necessity
to remove some obstacle from between the teeth, then your open mouth
should be concealed by your hand or napkin.
SELECTING A PARTICULAR DISH.
Never express a preference for any dish or any particular portion of a
fowl or of meat, unless requested to do so, and then answer promptly,
that no time may be wasted in serving you and others after you.
DUTIES OF HOSTESS AND HOST.
Tact and self-possession are demanded of the hostess, in order that she
may perform her duties agreeably, which are not onerous. She should
instruct her servants not to remove her plate until her guests have
finished. If she speaks of any omission by which her servants have
inconvenienced her guests, she must do it with dignity, not betraying
any undue annoyance. She must put all her guests at their ease, and pay
every possible attention to the requirements of each and all around her.
No accident must disturb her; no disappointment embarrass her. If her
precious china and her rare glass are broken before her eyes, she must
seem to take but little or no notice of it.
The host must aid the hostess in her efforts. He should have ease and
frankness of manner, a calmness of temper that nothing can ruffle, and a
kindness of disposition that can never be exhausted. He must encourage
the timid, draw out the silent and direct conversation rather than
sustain it himself.
No matter what may go wrong, a hostess should never seem to notice it to
the annoyance of her guests. By passing it over herself, it will very
frequently escape the attention of others. If her guests arrive late,
she should welcome them as cordially as if they had come early, but she
will commit a rudeness to those who have arrived punctually, if she
awaits dinner for tardy guests for more than the fifteen minutes of
grace prescribed by custom.
RETIRING FROM THE TABLE.
When the hostess sees that all have finished, she looks at the lady who
is sitting at the right of the host, and the company rise, and withdraw
in the order they are seated, without precedence. After retiring to the
drawing-room, the guests should intermingle in a social manner. It is
expected that the guests will remain from one to three hours after
dinner.
ACCEPTING HOSPITALITY A SIGN OF GOOD-WILL.
As eating with another under his own roof is in all conditions of
society regarded as a sign of good-will, those who partake of proffered
hospitalities, only to gossip about and abuse their host and hostess,
should remember, that in the opinion of all honorable persons, they
injure themselves by so doing.
CALLS AFTER A DINNER PARTY.
Calls should be made shortly after a dinner party by all who have been
invited, whether the invitation be accepted or not.
RETURNING HOSPITALITY.
Those who are in the habit of giving dinner parties should return the
invitation before another is extended to them. Society is very severe
upon those who do not return debts of hospitality, if they have the
means to do so. If they never entertain anyone because of limited means,
or for other good reasons, it is so understood, and it is not expected
that they should make exceptions; or if they are in the habit of giving
other entertainments and not dinners, their debts of hospitality can be
returned by invitations to whatever the entertainment might be. Some are
deterred from accepting invitations by the feeling that they cannot
return the hospitality in so magnificent a form. It is not the costly
preparations, nor the expensive repast offered which are the most
agreeable features of any entertainment, but it is the kind and friendly
feeling shown. Those who are not deterred from accepting such
invitations for this reason, and who enjoy the fruits of friendliness
thus shown them, must possess narrow views of their duty, and very
little self-respect, if, when an opportunity presents itself in any way
to reciprocate the kind feeling manifested, they fail to avail
themselves of it. True hospitality, however, neither expects nor desires
any return.
EXPENSIVE DINNERS NOT THE MOST ENJOYABLE.
It is a mistake to think that in giving a dinner, it is indispensable to
have certain dishes and a variety of wines, because others serve them.
Those who entertain frequently often use their own discretion, and never
feel obliged to do as others do, if they wish to do differently. Some of
the most enjoyable dinners given are those which are least expensive. It
is this mistaken feeling that people cannot entertain without committing
all sorts of extravagances, which causes many persons, in every way well
qualified to do incalculable good socially, to exclude themselves from
all general society.
WINES AT DINNERS.
The _menu_ of a dinner party is by some not regarded as complete, unless
it includes one or more varieties of wine. When used it is first served
after soup, but any guest may, with propriety, decline being served.
This, however, must not be done ostentatiously. Simply say to the
waiter, or whoever pours it, "not any; thank you." Wine, offered at a
dinner party, should never be criticized, however poor it may be. A
person who has partaken of wine, may also decline to have the glass
filled again.
If the guests should include one or more people of well-known temperance
principles, in deference to the scruples of these guests, wines or
liquors should not be brought to the table. People who entertain should
also be cautious as to serving wines at all. It is impossible to tell
what harm you may do to some of your highly esteemed guests. It may be
that your palatable wines may create an appetite for the habitual use of
wines or stronger alcoholic liquors; or you may renew a passion long
controlled and entombed; or you may turn a wavering will from a
seemingly steadfast resolution to forever abstain. This is an age of
reforms, the temperance reform being by no means the least powerful of
these, and no ladies or gentlemen will be censured or misunderstood if
they neglect to supply their dinner table with any kind of intoxicating
liquor. Mrs. ex-President Hayes banished wines and liquors from her
table, and an example set by the "first lady of the land" can be safely
followed in every American household, whatever may have been former
prevailing customs. It is safe to say that no "mistress of the White
House" will ever set aside the temperance principles established by Mrs.
Hayes.
[Illustration]