Course of Time, prostitute this noble Art to mean and vulgar People:
But, I answer; That it is not so easy an Acquirement as a few ignorant
Pretenders may imagine. A Footman can swear; but he cannot swear like
a Lord. He can swear as often: But, can he swear with equal Delicacy,
Propriety, and Judgment? No, certainly; unless he be a Lad of superior
Parts, of good Memory, a diligent Observer; one who hath a skilful Ear,
some Knowledge in Musick, and an exact Taste, which hardly fall to the
Share of one in a thousand among that Fraternity, in as high Favour as
they now stand with their Ladies; neither hath one Footman in six so
fine a Genius as to relish and apply those exalted Sentences comprised
in this Volume, which I offer to the World: It is true, I cannot see
that the same ill Consequences would follow from the Waiting-Woman, who,
if she hath been bred to read Romances, may have some small subaltern,
or second-hand Politeness; and if she constantly attends the Tea, and
be a good Listner, may, in some Years, make a tolerable Figure, which
will serve, perhaps, to draw in the young Chaplain or the old Steward.
But, alas! after all, how can she acquire those hundreds of Graces
and Motions, and Airs, the whole military Management of the Fan, the
Contortions of every muscular Motion in the Face, the Risings and
Fallings, the Quickness and Slowness of the Voice, with the several Turns
and Cadences; the proper Junctures of Smiling and Frowning, how often and
how loud to laugh, when to jibe and when to flout, with all the other
Branches of Doctrine and Discipline above-recited?
I am, therefore, not under the least Apprehension that this Art will
be ever in Danger of falling into common Hands, which requires so much
Time, Study, Practice, and Genius, before it arrives to Perfection;
and, therefore, I must repeat my Proposal for erecting Publick Schools,
provided with the best and ablest Masters and Mistresses, at the Charge
of the Nation.
I have drawn this Work into the Form of a Dialogue, after the Patterns of
other famous Writers in History, Law, Politicks, and most other Arts and
Sciences, and I hope it will have the same Success: For, who can contest
it to be of greater Consequence to the Happiness of these Kingdoms, than
all human Knowledge put together. Dialogue is held the best Method of
inculcating any Part of Knowledge; and, as I am confident, that Publick
Schools will soon be founded for teaching Wit and Politeness, after my
Scheme, to young People of Quality and Fortune, I have determined next
Sessions to deliver a Petition to the _House of Lords_ for an Act of
Parliament, to establish my Book, as the Standard _Grammar_ in all the
principal Cities of the Kingdom where this Art is to be taught, by able
Masters, who are to be approved and recommended by me; which is no more
than LILLY obtained only for teaching Words in a Language wholly useless:
Neither shall I be so far wanting to my self, as not to desire a Patent
granted of course to all useful Projectors; I mean, that I may have the
sole Profit of giving a Licence to every School to read my _Grammar_ for
fourteen Years.
The Reader cannot but observe what Pains I have been at in polishing
the Style of my Book to the greatest Exactness: Nor, have I been less
diligent in refining the Orthography, by spelling the Words in the
very same Manner that they are pronounced by the Chief Patterns of
Politeness, at Court, at Levees, at Assemblees, at Play-houses, at the
prime Visiting-Places, by young Templers, and by Gentlemen-Commoners of
both Universities, who have lived at least a Twelvemonth in Town, and
kept the best Company. Of these Spellings the Publick will meet with many
Examples in the following Book. For instance, _can’t_, _han’t_, _sha’nt_,
_didn’t_, _coodn’t_, _woodn’t_, _isn’t_, _e’n’t_, with many more; besides
several Words which Scholars pretend are derived from _Greek_ and
_Latin_, but not pared into a polite Sound by Ladies, Officers of the
Army, Courtiers and Templers, such as _Jommetry_ for _Geometry_, _Verdi_
for _Verdict_, _Lierd_ for _Lord_, _Larnen_ for _Learning_; together
with some Abbreviations exquisitely refined; as, _Pozz_ for _Positive_;
_Mobb_ for _Mobile_; _Phizz_ for _Physiognomy_; _Rep_ for _Reputation_;
_Plenipo_ for _Plenipotentiary_; _Incog_ for _Incognito_; _Hypps_, or
_Hippo_, for _Hypocondriacks_; _Bam_ for _Bamboozle_; and _Bamboozle_
for _God knows what_; whereby much Time is saved, and the high Road to
Conversation cut short by many a Mile.
I have, as it will be apparent, laboured very much, and, I hope, with
Felicity enough, to make every Character in the Dialogue agreeable with
it self, to a degree, that, whenever any judicious Person shall read my
Book aloud, for the Entertainment and Instruction of a select Company,
he need not so much as name the particular Speakers; because all the
Persons, throughout the several Subjects of Conversation, strictly
observe a different Manner, peculiar to their Characters, which are of
different kinds: But this I leave entirely to the prudent and impartial
Reader’s Discernment.
Perhaps the very Manner of introducing the several Points of Wit and
Humour may not be less entertaining and instructing than the Matter it
self. In the latter I can pretend to little Merit; because it entirely
depends upon Memory and the Happiness of having kept polite Company.
But, the Art of contriving, that those Speeches should be introduced
naturally, as the most proper Sentiments to be delivered upon so great
Variety of Subjects, I take to be a Talent somewhat uncommon, and a
Labour that few People could hope to succeed in unless they had a
Genius, particularly turned that way, added to a sincere disinterested
Love of the Publick.
Although every curious Question, smart Answer, and witty Reply be little
known to many People; yet, there is not one single Sentence in the whole
Collection, for which I cannot bring most authentick Vouchers, whenever I
shall be called; and, even for some Expressions, which to a few nice Ears
may perhaps appear somewhat gross, I can produce the Stamp of Authority
from Courts, Chocolate-houses, Theatres, Assemblees, Drawing-rooms,
Levees, Card-meetings, Balls, and Masquerades, from Persons of both
Sexes, and of the highest Titles next to Royal. However, to say the
truth, I have been very sparing in my Quotations of such Sentiments that
seem to be over free; because, when I began my Collection, such kind of
Converse was almost in its Infancy, till it was taken into the Protection
of my honoured Patronesses at Court, by whose Countenance and Sanction it
hath become a choice Flower in the Nosegay of Wit and Politeness.
Some will perhaps object, that when I bring my Company to Dinner, I
mention too great a Variety of Dishes, not always consistent with the
Art of Cookery, or proper for the Season of the Year, and Part of the
first Course mingled with the second, besides a Failure in Politeness, by
introducing Black Pudden to a Lord’s Table, and at a great Entertainment:
But, if I had omitted the Black Pudden, I desire to know what would have
become of that exquisite Reason given by Miss NOTABLE for not eating it;
the World perhaps might have lost it for ever, and I should have been
justly answerable for having left it out of my Collection. I therefore
cannot but hope, that such Hypercritical Readers will please to consider,
my Business was to make so full and compleat a Body of refined Sayings,
as compact as I could; only taking care to produce them in the most
natural and probable Manner, in order to allure my Readers into the very
Substance and Marrow of this most admirable and necessary Art.
I am heartily sorry, and was much disappointed to find, that so universal
and polite an Entertainment as CARDS, hath hitherto contributed very
little to the Enlargement of my Work; I have sate by many hundred Times
with the utmost Vigilance, and my Table-Book ready, without being able in
eight Hours to gather Matter for one single Phrase in my Book. But this,
I think, may be easily accounted for by the Turbulence and Justling of
Passions upon the various and surprising Turns, Incidents, Revolutions,
and Events of good and evil Fortune, that arrive in the course of a long
Evening at Play; the Mind being wholly taken up, and the Consequence of
Non-attention so fatal.
Play is supported upon the two great Pillars of Deliberation and Action.
The Terms of Art are few, prescribed by Law and Custom; no Time allowed
for Digressions or Tryals of Wit. QUADRILLE in particular bears some
Resemblance to a State of Nature, which, we are told, is a State of War,
wherein every Woman is against every Woman: The Unions short, inconstant,
and soon broke; the League made this Minute without knowing the Ally; and
dissolved in the next. Thus, at the Game of QUADRILLE, female Brains are
always employed in Stratagem, or their Hands in Action. Neither can I
find, that our Art hath gained much by the happy Revival of MASQUERADING
among us; the whole Dialogue in those Meetings being summed up in one
sprightly (I confess, but) single Question, and as sprightly an Answer.
DO YOU KNOW ME? YES, I DO. And, DO YOU KNOW ME? YES, I DO. For this
Reason I did not think it proper to give my Readers the Trouble of
introducing a Masquerade, meerly for the sake of a single Question, and
a single Answer. Especially, when to perform this in a proper manner, I
must have brought in a hundred Persons together, of both Sexes, dressed
in fantastick Habits for one Minute, and dismiss them the next.
Neither is it reasonable to conceive, that our Science can be much
improved by Masquerades; where the Wit of both Sexes is altogether taken
up in continuing singular and humoursome Disguises; and their Thoughts
entirely employed in bringing Intrigues and Assignations of Gallantry to
an happy Conclusion.
The judicious Reader will readily discover, that I make Miss NOTABLE my
Heroin, and Mr. THOMAS NEVER-OUT my Hero. I have laboured both their
Characters with my utmost Ability. It is into their Mouths that I have
put the liveliest Questions, Answers, Repartees, and Rejoynders; because
my Design was to propose them both as Patterns for all young Batchelors
and single Ladies to copy after. By which I hope very soon to see polite
Conversation flourish between both Sexes in a more consummate Degree of
Perfection, than these Kingdoms have yet ever known.
I have drawn some Lines of Sir JOHN LINGER’S Character, the _Derbyshire_
Knight, on purpose to place it in Counter-view or Contrast with that of
the other Company; wherein I can assure the Reader, that I intended not
the least Reflexion upon _Derbyshire_, the Place of my Nativity. But,
my Intention was only to shew the Misfortune of those Persons, who have
the Disadvantage to be bred out of the Circle of Politeness; whereof
I take the present Limits to extend no further than _London_, and ten
Miles round; although others are please to compute it within the Bills of
Mortality. If you compare the Discourses of my Gentlemen and Ladies with
those of Sir JOHN, you will hardly conceive him to have been bred in the
same Climate, or under the same Laws, Language, Religion, or Government:
And, accordingly, I have introduced him speaking in his own rude Dialect,
for no other Reason than to teach my Scholars how to avoid it.
The curious Reader will observe, that when Conversation appears in
danger to flag, which, in some Places, I have artfully contrived, I
took care to invent some sudden Question, or Turn of Wit, to revive it;
such as these that follow. _What? I think here’s a silent Meeting!_
_Come, Madam, A Penny for your Thought_; with several other of the like
sort. I have rejected all provincial or country Turns of Wit and Fancy,
because I am acquainted with a very few; but, indeed, chiefly because I
found them so very much inferior to those at Court, especially among the
Gentlemen-Ushers, the Ladies of the Bed-Chamber, and the Maids of Honour;
I must also add, the hither End of our noble Metropolis.
When this happy Art of polite Conversing shall be thoroughly improved,
good Company will be no longer pestered with dull, dry, tedious
Story-tellers, nor brangling Disputers: For, a right Scholar, of
either Sex, in our Science, will perpetually interrupt them with some
sudden surprising Piece of Wit, that shall engage all the Company in
a loud Laugh; and, if after a Pause, the grave Companion resumes his
Thread in the following Manner; _Well, but to go on with my Story_; new
Interruptions come from the Left to the Right, till he is forced to give
over.
I have made some few Essays toward _Selling of_ BARGAINS, as well for
instructing those, who delight in that Accomplishment, as in compliance
with my Female Friends at Court. However, I have transgressed a little
in this Point, by doing it in a manner somewhat more reserved than as it
is now practiced at St. _James_’s. At the same time, I can hardly allow
this Accomplishment to pass properly for a Branch of that perfect polite
Conversation, which makes the constituent Subject of my Treatise; and,
for which I have already given my Reasons. I have likewise, for further
Caution, left a Blank in the critical Point of each _Bargain_, which the
sagacious Reader may fill up in his own Mind.
As to my self, I am proud to own, that except some Smattering in
the _French_, I am what the Pedants and Scholars call, a Man wholly
illiterate, that is to say, unlearned. But, as to my own Language, I
shall not readily yield to many Persons: I have read most of the Plays,
and all the miscellany Poems that have been published for twenty Years
past. I have read Mr. _Thomas Brown_’s Works entire, and had the Honour
to be his intimate Friend, who was universally allowed to be the greatest
Genius of his Age.
Upon what Foot I stand with the present chief reigning Wits, their
Verses recommendatory, which they have commended me to prefix before
my Book, will be more than a thousand Witnesses: I am, and have been,
likewise, particularly acquainted with Mr. CHARLES GILDON, Mr. WARD,
Mr. DENNIS, that admirable Critick and Poet, and several others. Each
of these eminent Persons (I mean, those who are still alive) have
done me the Honour to read this Production five Times over with the
strictest Eye of friendly Severity, and proposed some, although very few,
Amendments, which I gratefully accepted, and do here publickly return my
Acknowledgment for so singular a Favour.
And here, I cannot conceal, without Ingratitude, the great Assistance I
have received from those two illustrious Writers, Mr. OZEL, and Captain
STEVENS. These, and some others, of distinguished Eminence, in whose
Company I have passed so many agreeable Hours, as they have been the
great Refiners of our Language; so, it hath been my chief Ambition to
imitate them. Let the POPES, the GAYS, the ARBUTHNOTS, the YOUNGS, and
the rest of that snarling Brood burst with Envy at the Praises we receive
from the Court and Kingdom.
But to return from this Digression.
The Reader will find that the following Collection of polite Expressions
will easily incorporate with all Subjects of genteel and fashionable
Life. Those, which are proper for Morning-Tea, will be equally useful
at the same Entertainment in the Afternoon, even in the same Company,
only by shifting the several Questions, Answers, and Replies, into
different Hands; and such as are adapted to Meals will indifferently
serve for Dinners or Suppers, only distinguishing between Day-light and
Candle-light. By this Method no diligent Person, of a tolerable Memory,
can ever be at a loss.
It hath been my constant Opinion, that every Man, who is intrusted by
Nature with any useful Talent of the Mind, is bound by all the Ties
of Honour, and that Justice which we all owe our Country, to propose
to himself some one illustrious Action, to be performed in his Life
for the publick Emolument. And, I freely confess, that so grand, so
important an Enterprize as I have undertaken, and executed to the best
of my Power, well deserved a much abler Hand, as well as a liberal
Encouragement from the Crown. However, I am bound so far to acquit my
self, as to declare, that I have often and most earnestly intreated
several of my above-named Friends, universally allowed to be of the
first Rank in Wit and Politeness, that they would undertake a Work, so
honourable to themselves, and so beneficial to the Kingdom; but so great
was their Modesty, that they all thought fit to excuse themselves, and
impose the Task on me; yet in so obliging a Manner, and attended with
such Compliments on my poor Qualifications, that I dare not repeat.
And, at last, their Intreaties, or rather their Commands, added to that
inviolable Love I bear to the Land of my Nativity, prevailed upon me to
engage in so bold an Attempt.
I may venture to affirm, without the least Violation of Modesty,
that there is no Man, now alive, who hath, by many Degrees, so just
Pretensions as my self, to the highest Encouragement from the CROWN,
the PARLIAMENT, and the MINISTRY, towards bringing this Work to its due
Perfection. I have been assured, that several great Heroes of antiquity
were worshipped as Gods, upon the Merit of having civilized a fierce and
barbarous People. It is manifest, I could have no other Intentions; and,
I dare appeal to my very Enemies, if such a Treatise as mine had been
published some Years ago, and with as much Success as I am confident
this will meet, I mean, by turning the Thoughts of the whole Nobility
and Gentry to the Study and Practice of polite Conversation; whether
such mean stupid Writers, as the CRAFTSMAN and his Abettors, could
have been able to corrupt the Principles of so many hundred thousand
Subjects, as, to the Shame and Grief of every whiggish, loyal, and true
Protestant Heart, it is too manifest, they have done. For, I desire the
honest judicious Reader to make one Remark, that after having exhausted
the Whole[2] _In sickly payday_ (if I may so call it) of Politeness and
Refinement, and faithfully digested it in the following Dialogues, there
cannot be found one Expression relating to Politicks; that the MINISTRY
is never mentioned, nor the Word KING, above twice or thrice, and then
only to the Honour of Majesty; so very cautious were our wiser Ancestors
in forming Rules for Conversation, as never to give Offence to Crowned
Heads, nor interfere with Party Disputes in the State. And indeed,
although there seem to be a close Resemblance between the two Words
_Politeness_ and _Politicks_, yet no Ideas are more inconsistent in their
Natures. However, to avoid all Appearance of Disaffection, I have taken
care to enforce Loyalty by an invincible Argument, drawn from the very
Fountain of this noble Science, in the following short Terms, that ought
to be writ in Gold, MUST IS FOR THE KING; which uncontroulable Maxim I
took particular Care of introducing in the first Page of my Book; thereby
to instil early the best Protestant Loyal Notions into the Minds of my
Readers. Neither is it meerly my own private Opinion, that Politeness is
the firmest Foundation upon which Loyalty can be supported: For, thus
happily sings the Divine Mr. _Tibbalds_, or _Theobalds_, in one of his
Birth-Day Poems.
“I am no Schollard; but I am polite:
Therefore be sure I am no _Jacobite_.”
Hear likewise, to the same purpose, that great Master of the whole
Poetick Choir, our most illustrious Laureat Mr. COLLY CIBBER.
“Who in his Talk can’t speak a polite Thing,
Will never loyal be to GEORGE _our King_.”
I could produce many more shining Passages out of our principal Poets, of
both Sexes, to confirm this momentous Truth. From whence, I think, it may
be fairly concluded, that whoever can most contribute towards propagating
the Science contained in the following Sheets, through the Kingdoms of
_Great-Britain_ and _Ireland_, may justly demand all the Favour, that the
wisest Court, and most judicious Senate, are able to confer on the most
deserving Subject. I leave the Application to my Readers.
This is the Work, which I have been so hardy to attempt, and without the
least mercenary View. Neither do I doubt of succeeding to my full Wish,
except among the TORIES and their Abettors; who being all _Jacobites_,
and, consequently _Papists_ in their Hearts, from a Want of true Taste,
or by strong Affectation, may perhaps resolve not to read my Book;
chusing rather to deny themselves the Pleasure and Honour of shining in
polite Company among the principal Genius’s of both Sexes throughout
the Kingdom, than adorn their Minds with this noble Art; and probably
apprehending (as, I confess nothing is more likely to happen) that a true
Spirit of Loyalty to the Protestant Succession should steal in along with
it.
If my favourable and gentle Readers could possibly conceive the perpetual
Watchings, the numberless Toils, the frequent Risings in the Night, to
set down several ingenious Sentences, that I suddenly or accidentally
recollected; and which, without my utmost Vigilance, had been
irrecoverably lost for ever: If they would consider with what incredible
Diligence I daily and nightly attended at those Houses, where Persons of
both Sexes, and of the most distinguished Merit, used to meet and display
their Talents; with what Attention I listened to all their Discourses,
the better to retain them in my Memory; and then, at proper Seasons,
withdrew unobserved, to enter them in my Table-Book, while the Company
little suspected what a noble Work I had then in Embryo: I say, if all
these were known to the World, I think, it would be no great Presumption
in me to expect, at a proper Juncture, the publick Thanks of both Houses
of Parliament, for the Service and Honour I have done to the whole Nation
by my single Pen.
Although I have never been once charged with the least Tincture of
Vanity, the Reader will, I hope, give me leave to put an easy Question:
What is become of all the King of _Sweden_’s Victories? Where are
the Fruits of them at this Day? or, of what Benefit will they be to
Posterity? were not many of his greatest Actions owing, at least in part,
to Fortune? were not all of them owing to the Valour of his Troops, as
much as to his own Conduct? could he have conquered the _Polish_ King,
or the _Czar_ of _Muscovy_, with his single Arm? Far be it from me to
envy or lessen the Fame he hath acquired; but, at the same time, I will
venture to say, without Breach of Modesty, that I, who have alone with
this Right-hand subdued Barbarism, Rudeness, and Rusticity, who have
established and fixed for ever the whole System of all true Politeness
and Refinement in Conversation, should think my self most inhumanely
treated by my Country-men, and would accordingly resent it as the highest
Indignity, to be put upon the level, in point of Fame, in After-ages,
with CHARLES the Twelfth, late King of _Sweden_.
And yet, so incurable is the Love of Detraction, perhaps beyond what
the charitable Reader will easily believe, that I have been assured by
more than one credible Person, how some of my Enemies have industriously
whispered about, that one ISAAC NEWTON, an Instrument-maker, formerly
living near _Leicester-Fields_, and afterwards a Workman at the Mint in
the _Tower_, might possibly pretend to vye with me for Fame in future
times. The Man it seems was knighted for making Sun-Dials better than
others of his Trade, and was thought to be a Conjurer, because he
knew how to draw Lines and Circles upon a Slate, which no body could
understand. But, adieu to all noble Attempts for endless Renown, if
the Ghost of an obscure Mechanick shall be raised up to enter into
competition with me, only for his Skill in making Pot-hooks and Hangers
with a Pencil, which many thousand accomplished Gentlemen and Ladies
can perform as well with a Pen and Ink upon a Piece of Paper, and, in a
manner, as little intelligible as those of Sir ISAAC.
My most ingenious Friend already mentioned, Mr. COLLY CIBBER, who does
too much Honour to the Laurel Crown he deservedly wears (as he hath often
done to many Imperial Diadems placed on his Head) was pleased to tell
me, that, if my Treatise were formed into a Comedy, the Representation,
performed to Advantage on our Theatre might very much contribute to the
Spreading of polite Conversation among all Persons of Distinction through
the whole Kingdom.
I own, the Thought was ingenious, and my Friend’s Intention good. But, I
cannot agree to his Proposal: For, Mr. CIBBER himself allowed, that the
Subjects handled in my Work, being so numerous and extensive, it would be
absolutely impossible for one, two, or even six Comedies to contain them.
From whence it will follow, that many admirable and essential Rules for
polite Conversation must be omitted.
And here let me do justice to my Friend Mr. TIBALDS, who plainly
confessed before Mr. CIBBER himself, that such a Project, as it would
be a great Diminution to my Honour, so it would intolerably mangle my
Scheme, and thereby destroy the principal End at which I aimed, to form
a compleat Body or System of this most useful Science in all its Parts.
And therefore Mr. TIBBALDS, whose Judgment was never disputed, chose
rather to fall in with my Proposal mentioned before, of erecting publick
Schools and Seminaries all over the Kingdom, to instruct the young People
of both Sexes in this Art, according to my Rules, and in the Method that
I have laid down.