Chiswick Press Editions
POLITE CONVERSATION
⁂ _This Edition is limited to Five Hundred copies, viz.:_
_50 on Japanese Vellum, numbered 1 to 50._
_450 on Handmade paper, numbered 51 to 500._
_This is No. 438._
[Illustration: IONATHAN SWIFT S. T. D.
_Decanus Ecclesia Cathedralis Sancti Patricy DUBLIN._
_Carolus Jervacius Pictor Reg. Pinxit._ _Geo. Vertue Londini Sculpsit_]
POLITE CONVERSATION
IN THREE DIALOGUES BY
JONATHAN SWIFT WITH INTRODUCTION
AND NOTES
BY GEORGE SAINTSBURY
[Illustration]
LONDON PRINTED AND ISSUED BY
CHARLES WHITTINGHAM & CO AT
THE CHISWICK PRESS MDCCCXCII
CONTENTS.
PAGE
EDITOR’S INTRODUCTION vii
INTRODUCTION TO THE DIALOGUES 3
DIALOGUE I. 53
DIALOGUE II. 127
DIALOGUE III. 173
ILLUSTRATIVE NOTES 191
EDITOR’S INTRODUCTION.
In some ways nothing could be a better introduction to the “Polite
Conversation” than the account of it which Mr. Thackeray has given in
his “English Humourists” (though under the head of Steele, not Swift),
as illustrating the society of the period. That account is in its way
not much less of a classic than the immortal original itself, and it is
purely delightful. But it neither deals nor pretends to deal with the
whole of the subject. Indeed, the idea of Swift’s character which the
“Conversation” gives does not square altogether well with the view—true,
but one-sided—which it suited Mr. Thackeray to take of Swift.
The “Conversation” appeared very late in Swift’s life, and he himself
derived no pecuniary benefit from it. He had, with that almost careless
generosity which distinguished him side by side with an odd kind
of parsimony, given the manuscript to a not particularly reputable
_protégée_ of his, Mrs. Barber, about 1736, and its first edition—a copy
of which, presented to me by my friend Mr. Austin Dobson no small number
of years ago, is here reproduced—bears date 1738, and was published
in London by Motte and Bathurst. The composition, however, dates, as
is known to a practical certainty, many years earlier. It is beyond
any reasonable doubt identical with the “Essay on Conversation” which
Swift noted as written or planned in 1708-10. The _nom de guerre_ on
the title-page and to the introduction is Simon Wagstaff, one of the
literary family of Staffs fathered by Swift and Steele in “Tatler” times.
The manners are evidently those of Queen Anne’s day, and the whole
chronology of the introduction (which, it will be seen, has all Swift’s
mock carefulness and exactitude) is adjusted to the first decade of the
eighteenth century. A hundred years later Scott (whose own evident relish
for the “Conversation” struggled somewhat with a desire to apologise
for its coarseness to the decencies even of his own day), hazarded the
opinion that the abundance of proverbial expressions must be set down to
the Dean’s own fancy, not to actual truth of reporting. It is always with
great diffidence that I venture to differ with Sir Walter; but I think
he was wrong here. One piece of indirect evidence—the extreme energy
with which Chesterfield, at no very distant date from the publication,
but after a lapse of fully a generation from the probable composition
of the dialogues, inveighs against this very practice—would seem to be
sufficient to establish its authenticity. For polite society, where its
principles are not, as they generally are, pretty constant, is never
so bitter as against those practices which were the mode and are now
_démodés_.
But if anyone thinks this argument paradoxical, there are plenty more.
The conversation of the immortal eight corresponds exactly to that of the
comedies of the time, and the times just earlier, which were written by
the finest gentlemen. It meets us, of course less brilliantly put, in the
“Wentworth Papers” and other documents of the time; and its very faults
are exactly those which Steele and Addison, like their predecessors of
the other sex in the Hotel Rambouillet sixty or seventy years earlier,
were, just when these dialogues were written, setting themselves to
correct. We know, of course, that Swift moved in a world of middle and
even not always upper middle class society, as well as in the great
world; and that, perhaps, at the date of the actual composition of this
piece, he had not reached his fullest familiarity with the latter. But
I have myself very little doubt that the dialogues express and were
fully justified by the conversation he had actually heard among the less
decorous visitors at Temple’s solemn board, in the livelier household
of Lord Berkeley, in the circles of Ormond and Pembroke, and during his
first initiation after 1707 in London society proper. How far he may have
subsequently polished and altered the thing it is impossible to say; that
he had done so to some extent is obvious from such simple matters as the
use of the word “king” instead of “queen,” from the allusions to the
“Craftsman,” and others. I doubt whether the picture became substantially
false till far into the reign of George II., if it even became so then.
There are those, of whom, as Mr. Wagstaff would himself say, “I have the
honour to be one,” who put the “Polite Conversation” in the very front
rank of Swift’s works. It is of course on a far less ambitious scale
than “Gulliver;” it has not the youthful audacity and towering aim of
the “Tale of a Tub;” it lacks the practical and businesslike cogency
of the “Drapier;” the absolute perfection and unrivalled irony of the
“Modest Proposal” and the “Argument against abolishing Christianity.”
But what it wants in relation to each of these masterpieces in some
respects it makes up in others; and it is distinctly the superior of its
own nearest analogue, the “Directions to Servants.” It is never unequal;
it never flags; it never forces the note. Nobody, if he likes it at all,
can think it too long; nobody, however much he may like it, can fail to
see that Swift was wise not to make it longer. One of its charms is the
complete variation between the introduction and the dialogues themselves.
The former follows throughout, even to the rather unnecessary striking
in with literary quarrels, the true vein of Swiftian irony, where
almost every sentence expresses the exact contrary of the author’s real
sentiments, and where the putative writer is made to exhibit himself
as ridiculous while discoursing to his own complete satisfaction. It
exhibits also, although in a minor key, the peculiar pessimism which
excites the shudders of some and the admiration of others in the great
satires on humanity enumerated above.
But the dialogues themselves are quite different. They are, with
the exception of the lighter passages in the “Journal to Stella,”
infinitely the most good-natured things in Swift. The characters are
scarcely satirized; they are hardly caricatured. Not one of them is made
disagreeable, not one of them offensively ridiculous. Even poor Sir John
Linger, despite the scarce concealed scorn and pity of his companions
and the solemn compassion of good Mr. Wagstaff, is let off very easily.
The very “scandal-mongering” has nothing of the ferocity of the “Plain
Dealer” long before, and the “School for Scandal” long after it; the
excellent Ladies Smart and Answerall tear their neighbours’ characters
to pieces with much relish but with no malignity. The former, for all
her cut-and-dried phrases, is an excellently hospitable hostess, and
“her own lord” is as different as possible from the brutal heroes of
Restoration comedy, and from the yawning sour-blooded rakes of quality
whom a later generation of painters in words and colours were to portray.
There is, of course, not a little which would now be horribly coarse,
but one knows that it was not in the least so then. And in it, as in
the scandal-mongering, there is no bad blood. Tom and the Colonel and
Lord Sparkish are fine gentlemen with very loose-hung tongues, and not
very strait-laced consciences. But there is nothing about them of the
inhumanity which to some tastes spoils the heroes of Congreve and of
Vanbrugh.
As for “Miss,” no doubt she says some things which it would be unpleasant
to hear one’s sister or one’s beloved say now. But I fell in love with
her when I was about seventeen, I think; and from that day to this I
have never wavered for one minute in my affection for her. If she is of
coarser mould than Millamant, how infinitely does she excel her in flesh
and blood—excellent things in woman! She is only here—“this ‘Miss’ of our
heart, this ‘Miss’ of our soul,”—here and in a letter or two of the time.
The dramatists and the essayists and the poets made her a baggage or a
Lydia Languish, a Miss Hoyden or a minx, when they tried her. Hogarth
was not enough of a gentleman and Kneller not enough of a genius to put
her on canvas. When the regular novelists began, sensibility had set its
clutch on heroines. But here she is as Swift saw her—Swift whom every
woman whom he knew either loved or hated, and who must, therefore, have
known something about women, for all his persistent maltreatment of them.
And here, as I have said, the maltreatment ceases. If the handling is
not very delicate, it is utterly true, and by no means degrading. There
is even dignity in Miss. For all her romps, and her broad speeches,
and her more than risky repartees, she knows perfectly well how to pull
up her somewhat unpolished admirers when they go too far. And when at
three o’clock in the morning, with most of the winnings in her pocket,
she demurely refuses the Colonel’s escort (indeed it might have had its
dangers), observing, “No, Colonel, thank you; my mamma has sent her chair
and footmen,” and leaves the room with the curtsey we can imagine, the
picture is so delightful that unholy dreams come upon one. How agreeable
it would have been to hire the always available villains, overcome those
footmen, put Miss in a coach and six, and secure the services of the also
always available parson, regardless of the feelings of my mamma and of
the swords of Tom and the Colonel, though not of Miss’s own goodwill!
For I should not envy anyone who had tried to play otherwise than on the
square with Miss Notable.
For Mr. Wagstaff’s hero I have, as no doubt is natural, by no means as
much admiration as for his “heroin.” Mr. Thomas Neverout is a lively
youth enough, but considerably farther from the idea—and that not merely
the modern idea—of a gentleman, than Miss with all her astounding licence
of speech is from the idea—and that not merely the modern idea—of a lady.
It is observable that he seldom or never gets the better of her except by
mere coarseness, and that he has too frequent recourse to the expedient
which even Mr. Wagstaff had the sense to see was not a great evidence of
wit, the use of some innuendo or other, at which she is obliged to blush
or to pretend want of understanding. At fair weapons she almost always
puts him down. In fact, the Colonel, though not precisely a genius, is
the better fellow of the two. I do not know whether it was intentional
or not, but it is to be observed that my Lord Sparkish, though quite
as “smart” in the new-old sense of which this very work is the _locus
classicus_, as the two commoners, is cleaner by a good deal in his
language. It is unlike Mr. Wagstaff’s usual precision of information that
he gives us no details about Lady Answerall. If there is any indication
to show whether she was wife or widow, I have missed it in many readings;
but I think she, though still young, was the eldest of the three ladies,
and she certainly was handsome. Lady Smart I take to have been plain,
from her disparaging reference to Miss: “The girl’s well enough if she
had but another nose.” I resent this reference to a feature which I am
sure was charming (it was probably _retroussé_; it was certainly not
aquiline); and as Lady Smart was clearly not ill-natured, it follows that
she must have been herself either a recognized beauty or not beautiful.
We should have had some intimation of the former had it been the case, so
I incline to the latter. She had children, and was evidently on the best
of terms with her husband, which is very satisfactory.
If it were not for Miss and the dinner—two objects of perennial interest
to all men of spirit and taste—I am not sure that I should not prefer the
introduction to the conversations themselves. It is indispensable to the
due understanding of the latter, and I cannot but think that Thackeray
unjustifiably overlooked the excuse it contains for the somewhat
miscellaneous and Gargantuan character of the feast which excited his
astonishment and horror. But it would be delightful in itself if we were
so unfortunate as to have lost the conversations, and, as I have already
said, its delight is of a strangely different kind from theirs. Although
there are more magnificent and more terrible, more poignant and more
whimsical examples of the marvellous Swiftian irony, I do not know that
there is any more justly proportioned, more exquisitely modulated, more
illustrative of that wonderful keeping which is the very essence and
quiddity of the Dean’s humour.
Some things have been lately said, as they are always said from time
to time, about the contrast between the Old humour and the New. The
contrast, I venture to think, is wrongly stated. It is not a contrast
between the old and the new, but, in the first place, between the
perennial and the temporary, and in the second between two kinds of
humour which, to do them justice, are both perennial enough—the humour
which is quiet, subtle, abstracted, independent of catchwords and cant
phrases, and the humour which is broad, loud, gesticulative, and prone to
rely upon cant phrases and catchwords. Swift has illustrated the two in
the two parts of this astonishing book, and whoso looks into the matter
a little narrowly will have no difficulty in finding this out. Far be it
from me to depreciate the “newer” kind, but I may be permitted to think
it the lower. It is certainly the easier. The perpetual stream of irony
which Swift pours out here in so quiet yet so steady a flow, is the most
difficult of all things to maintain in its perfection. Not more, perhaps,
than half-a-dozen writers in all literature, of whom the three chiefs are
Lucian, Pascal, and Swift himself, have been quite masters of it, and of
these three Swift is the mightiest. Sink below the requisite proportion
of bitterness and the thing becomes flat; exceed that proportion and it
is nauseous. Perhaps, as one is always fain to persuade oneself in such
cases, a distinct quality of palate is required to taste, as well as a
distinct power of genius to brew it. It is certain that though there
are some in all times who relish this kind of humour (and this is what
gives it its supremacy, for examples of the other kind are, at other
than their own times, frequently not relished by anybody), they are not
often found in large numbers. The liquor is too dry for many tastes; it
has too little froth, if not too little sparkle for others. The order of
architecture is too unadorned, depends too much upon the bare attraction
of symmetry and form, to charm some eyes. But those who have the taste
never lose it, never change it, never are weary of gratifying it. Of
irony, as of hardly any other thing under the sun, cometh no satiety to
the born ironist.
It may be well to end this brief preface by a few words on the principles
of editing which I have adopted. There is no omission whatever, except
of a very few words—not, I think, half a score in all—which were barely
permissible to mouths polite even then, and which now are almost banished
from even free conversation. Nor have even these omissions been allowed
to mutilate the passages in which they occur; for on Mr. Wagstaff’s own
excellent principle, the harmless necessary “blank, which the sagacious
reader may fill up in his own mind,” has replaced them.
In respect of annotation the methods of the collection in which this book
appears did not permit of any very extensive commentary; and I could
not be sorry for this. Anything like full _scholia_ on the proverbs,
catchwords, and so forth used, would be enormously voluminous, and a very
dull overlaying of matter ill-sortable with dulness. Besides, much of
the phraseology is intelligible to anybody intelligent, and not a very
little is not yet obsolete in the mouths of persons of no particular
originality. You may still hear men and women, not necessarily destitute
either of birth, breeding, or sense, say of such a thing that “they like
it, but it does not like them,” that such another thing “comes from a hot
place,” with other innocent _clichés_ of the kind. But in some places
where assistance seemed really required I have endeavoured to give it.
Among such cases I have not included the attempt to identify “the D. of
R.,” “the E. of E.,” “Lord and Lady H.,” etc. I am afraid it would be
falling too much into the humour of good Mr. Wagstaff himself to examine
with the help of much Collins the various persons whose initials and
titles might possibly correspond with these during the nearly sixty years
between Mr. Wagstaff’s coming of age and the appearance of his work at
the Middle Temple Gate in Fleet Street. The persons named at full length
are generally, if not universally real, and more or less well known.
Enough to inform or remind the reader of these has, I hope, been inserted
in the Notes. But the fact is, that, like most great writers, though not
all, Swift is really not in need of much annotation. It is not that he
is not allusive—I hardly know any great writer who is not—but that his
allusions explain themselves to a reader of average intelligence quite
sufficiently for the understanding of the context, though not, it may be,
sufficiently to enable him to “satisfy the examiners.” It does not, for
instance, matter in the least whether the “infamous Court chaplain,” who
taught the maids of honour not to believe in Hell was Hoadley, or who he
was. His cap may even have fitted several persons at different times. In
such a display of literary skill at arms as this the glitter of the blade
and the swashing blow of its wielder are the points of interest, not the
worthless carrion into which it was originally thrust. But “worthless
carrion” is not Polite Conversation: so let me leave the reader to what
is.[1]
GEORGE SAINTSBURY.
[1] The piece is on the whole fairly well printed; but the speeches are
sometimes wrongly assigned. Attention is called to this in the notes; but
the real speaker is generally evident.
A COMPLETE
COLLECTION
Of GENTEEL and INGENIOUS
CONVERSATION,
According to the Most
Polite Mode and Method
Now USED
At COURT, and in the BEST
COMPANIES of ENGLAND.
In THREE DIALOGUES.
By _SIMON WAGSTAFF_, Esq.;
_LONDON_:
Printed for B. MOTTE, and C. BATHURST, at
the _Middle Temple-Gate_ in _Fleet-Street_.
M.DCC.XXXVIII.
AN INTRODUCTION TO THE FOLLOWING TREATISE.
As my Life hath been chiefly spent in consulting the Honour and Welfare
of my Country for more than Forty Years past, not without answerable
Success, if the World and my Friends have not flattered me; so, there
is no Point wherein I have so much labour’d, as that of improving and
polishing all Parts of Conversation between Persons of Quality, whether
they meet by Accident or Invitation, at Meals, Tea, or Visits, Mornings,
Noons, or Evenings.
I have passed perhaps more time than any other Man of my Age and
Country in Visits and Assemblees, where the polite Persons of both
Sexes distinguish themselves; and could not without much Grief observe
how frequently both Gentlemen and Ladies are at a Loss for Questions,
Answers, Replies and Rejoinders: However, my Concern was much abated,
when I found that these Defects were not occasion’d by any Want of
Materials, but because those Materials were not in every Hand: For
Instance, One Lady can give an Answer better than ask a Question: One
Gentleman is happy at a Reply; another excels in a Rejoinder: One can
revive a languishing Conversation by a sudden surprizing Sentence;
another is more dextrous in seconding; a Third can fill the Gap with
laughing, or commending what hath been said: Thus fresh Hints may be
started, and the Ball of Discourse kept up.
But, alas! this is too seldom the Case, even in the most select
Companies: How often do we see at Court, at public Visiting-Days, at
great Men’s Levees, and other Places of general Meeting, that the
Conversation falls and drops to nothing, like a Fire without Supply of
Fuel; this is what we ought to lament; and against this dangerous Evil I
take upon me to affirm, that I have in the following Papers provided an
infallible Remedy.
It was in the Year 1695, and the Sixth of his late Majesty King
_William_, the Third, of ever glorious and immortal Memory, who rescued
Three Kingdoms from Popery and Slavery; when, being about the Age of
Six-and-thirty, my Judgment mature, of good Reputation in the World,
and well acquainted with the best Families in Town, I determined to
spend Five Mornings, to dine Four times, pass Three Afternoons, and Six
Evenings every Week, in the Houses of the most polite Families, of which
I would confine myself to Fifty; only changing as the Masters or Ladies
died, or left the Town, or grew out of Vogue, or sunk in their Fortunes,
(which to me was of the highest moment) or because disaffected to the
Government; which Practice I have followed ever since to this very Day;
except when I happened to be sick, or in the Spleen upon cloudy Weather;
and except when I entertained Four of each Sex at my own Lodgings once a
Month, by way of Retaliation.
I always kept a large Table-Book in my Pocket; and as soon as I left
the Company, I immediately entered the choicest Expressions that passed
during the Visit; which, returning Home, I transcribed in a fair Hand,
but somewhat enlarged; and had made the greatest Part of my Collection
in Twelve Years, but not digested into any Method; for this I found was
a Work of infinite Labour, and what required the nicest Judgment, and
consequently could not be brought to any Degree of Perfection in less
than Sixteen Years more.
Herein I resolved to exceed the Advice of _Horace_, a _Roman_ Poet,
(which I have read in Mr. _Creech_’s admirable Translation) That an
Author should keep his Works Nine Years in his Closet, before he ventured
to publish them; and finding that I still received some additional
Flowers of Wit and Language, although in a very small Number, I
determined to defer the Publication, to pursue my Design, and exhaust,
if possible, the whole Subject, that I might present a complete System
to the World: For, I am convinced by long Experience, that the Critics
will be as severe as their old Envy against me can make them: I foretel,
they will object, that I have inserted many Answers and Replies which are
neither witty, humorous, polite, or authentic; and have omitted others,
that would have been highly useful, as well as entertaining: But let them
come to Particulars, and I will boldly engage to confute their Malice.
For these last Six or Seven Years I have not been able to add above Nine
valuable Sentences to inrich my Collection; from whence I conclude,
that what remains will amount only to a Trifle: However, if, after the
Publication of this Work, any Lady or Gentleman, when they have read it,
shall find the least thing of Importance omitted, I desire they will
please to supply my Defects, by communicating to me their Discoveries;
and their Letters may be directed to SIMON WAGSTAFF, Esq; at his Lodgings
next Door to the _Gloucester-Head_ in _St. James’s-street_, (they paying
the Postage). In Return of which Favour, I shall make honourable Mention
of their Names in a short Preface to the Second Edition.
In the mean time, I cannot but with some Pride, and much Pleasure,
congratulate with my dear Country, which hath outdone all the Nations
of _Europe_ in advancing the whole Art of Conversation to the greatest
Height it is capable of reaching; and therefore being intirely convinced
that the Collection I now offer to the Public is full and complete, I may
at the same time boldly affirm, that the whole Genius, Humour, Politeness
and Eloquence of _England_ are summed up in it: Nor is the Treasure
small, wherein are to be found at least a Thousand shining Questions,
Answers, Repartees, Replies and Rejoinders, fitted to adorn every kind
of Discourse that an Assemblee of _English_ Ladies and Gentlemen, met
together for their mutual Entertainment, can possibly want, especially
when the several Flowers shall be set off and improved by the Speakers,
with every Circumstance of Preface and Circumlocution, in proper Terms;
and attended with Praise, Laughter, or Admiration.
There is a natural, involuntary Distortion of the Muscles, which is the
anatomical Cause of Laughter: But there is another Cause of Laughter
which Decency requires, and is the undoubted Mark of a good Taste, as
well as of a polite obliging Behaviour; neither is this to be acquired
without much Observation, long Practice, and a sound Judgment: I
did therefore once intend, for the Ease of the Learner, to set down
in all Parts of the following Dialogues certain Marks, Asterisks, or
_Nota-bene’s_ (in _English_, _Markwell’s_) after most Questions, and
every Reply or Answer; directing exactly the Moment when One, Two, or All
the Company are to laugh: But having duly considered, that the Expedient
would too much enlarge the Bulk of the Volume, and consequently the
Price; and likewise that something ought to be left for ingenious Readers
to find out, I have determined to leave that whole Affair, although of
great Importance, to their own Discretion.
The Readers must learn by all means to distinguish between Proverbs
and those polite Speeches which beautify Conversation: For, as to
the former, I utterly reject them out of all ingenious Discourse. I
acknowledge indeed, that there may possibly be found in this Treatise a
few Sayings, among so great a Number of smart Turns of Wit and Humour,
as I have produced, which have a proverbial Air: However, I hope, it
will be considered, that even these were not originally Proverbs, but
the genuine Productions of superior Wits, to embellish and support
Conversation; from whence, with great Impropriety, as well as Plagiarism
(if you will forgive a hard Word) they have most injuriously been
transferred into proverbial Maxims; and therefore in Justice ought to be
resumed out of vulgar Hands, to adorn the Drawing-Rooms of Princes, both
Male and Female, the Levees of great Ministers, as well as the Toilet and
Tea-table of the Ladies.
I can faithfully assure the Reader, that there is not one single witty
Phrase in this whole Collection, which hath not received the Stamp and
Approbation of at least one hundred Years, and how much longer, it is
hard to determine; he may therefore be secure to find them all genuine,
sterling, and authentic.
But before this elaborate Treatise can become of universal Use and
Ornament to my native Country, Two Points, that will require Time and
much Application, are absolutely necessary.
For, _First_, whatever Person would aspire to be completely witty, smart,
humourous, and polite, must by hard Labour be able to retain in his
Memory every single Sentence contained in this Work, so as never to be
once at a Loss in applying the right Answers, Questions, Repartees, and
the like, immediately, and without Study or Hesitation.
And, _Secondly_, after a Lady or Gentleman hath so well overcome this
Difficulty, as to be never at a Loss upon any Emergency, the true
Management of every Feature, and almost of every Limb, is equally
necessary; without which an infinite Number of Absurdities will
inevitably ensue: For Instance, there is hardly a polite Sentence in
the following Dialogues which doth not absolutely require some peculiar
graceful Motion in the Eyes, or Nose, or Mouth, or Forehead, or Chin,
or suitable Toss of the Head, with certain Offices assigned to each
Hand; and in Ladies, the whole Exercise of the Fan, fitted to the Energy
of every Word they deliver; by no means omitting the various Turns
and Cadence of the Voice, the Twistings, and Movements, and different
Postures of the Body, the several Kinds and Gradations of Laughter, which
the Ladies must daily practise by the Looking-Glass, and consult upon
them with their Waiting-Maids.
My Readers will soon observe what a great Compass of real and useful
Knowledge this Science includes; wherein, although Nature, assisted by
a Genius, may be very instrumental, yet a strong Memory and constant
Application, together with Example and Precept, will be highly necessary:
For these Reasons I have often wished, that certain Male and Female
Instructors, perfectly versed in this science, would set up Schools for
the Instruction of young Ladies and Gentlemen therein.
I remember about thirty Years ago, there was a _Bohemian_ Woman, of that
Species commonly known by the name of _Gypsies_, who came over hither
from _France_, and generally attended ISAAC the Dancing-Master when he
was teaching his Art to Misses of Quality; and while the young Ladies
were thus employed, the _Bohemian_, standing at some distance, but full
in their Sight, acted before them all proper Airs, and turnings of the
Head, and motions of the Hands, and twistings of the Body; whereof you
may still observe the good Effects in several of our elder Ladies.
After the same manner, it were much to be desired, that some expert
Gentlewomen gone to decay would set up publick Schools, wherein young
Girls of Quality, or great Fortunes, might first be taught to repeat this
following System of Conversation, which I have been at so much pains to
compile; and then to adapt every Feature of their Countenances, every
Turn of their Hands, every Screwing of their Bodies, every Exercise
of their Fans, to the Humour of the Sentences they hear or deliver in
Conversation. But above all to instruct them in every Species and Degree
of Laughing in the proper seasons at their own Wit, or that of the
Company. And, if the Sons of the Nobility and Gentry, instead of being
sent to common Schools, or put into the Hands of Tutors at Home, to learn
nothing but Words, were consigned to able Instructors in the same Art,
I cannot find what Use there could be of Books, except in the hands of
those who are to make Learning their Trade, which is below the Dignity of
Persons born to Titles or Estates.
It would be another infinite Advantage, that, by cultivating this
Science, we should wholly avoid the Vexations and Impertinence of
Pedants, who affect to talk in a Language not to be understood; and
whenever a polite Person offers accidentally to use any of their
Jargon-Terms, have the Presumption to laugh at Us for pronouncing those
Words in a genteeler Manner. Whereas, I do here affirm, that, whenever
any fine Gentleman or Lady condescends to let a hard Word pass out of
their Mouths, every syllable is smoothed and polished in the Passage; and
it is a true Mark of Politeness, both in Writing and Reading, to vary the
Orthography as well as the Sound; because We are infinitely better Judges
of what will please a distinguishing ear than those, who call themselves
_Scholars_, can possibly be; who, consequently, ought to correct their
Books, and Manner of pronouncing, by the Authority of Our Example, from
whose lips they proceed with infinitely more Beauty and Significancy.
But, in the mean time, until so great, so useful, and so necessary a
Design can be put in execution, (which, considering the good Disposition
of our Country at present, I shall not despair of living to see)
let me recommend the following Treatise to be carried about as a
Pocket-Companion, by all Gentlemen and Ladies, when they are going to
visit, or dine, or drink Tea; or where they happen to pass the Evening
without Cards, (as I have sometimes known it to be the Case upon
Disappointments or Accidents unforeseen) desiring they would read their
several Parts in their Chairs or Coaches, to prepare themselves for every
kind of Conversation that can possibly happen.
Although I have in Justice to my Country, allowed the Genius of our
People to excel that of any other Nation upon Earth, and have confirmed
this Truth by an Argument not to be controlled, I mean, by producing
so great a Number of witty Sentences in the ensuing Dialogues, all of
undoubted Authority, as well as of our own Production; yet, I must
confess at the same time, that we are wholly indebted for them to
our Ancestors; at least, for as long as my memory reacheth, I do not
recollect one new Phrase of Importance to have been added; which Defect
in Us Moderns I take to have been occasioned by the Introduction of
Cant-Words in the Reign of King _Charles_ the Second. And those have so
often varied, that hardly one of them, of above a Year’s standing, is now
intelligible; nor any where to be found, excepting a small Number strewed
here and there in the Comedies and other fantastick Writings of that Age.
The Honourable Colonel JAMES GRAHAM, my old Friend and Companion, did
likewise, towards the End of the same Reign, invent a Set of Words and
Phrases, which continued almost to the Time of his Death. But, as those
Terms of Art were adapted only to Courts and Politicians, and extended
little further than among his particular Acquaintance (of whom I had the
Honour to be one) they are now almost forgotten.
Nor did the late D. of _R——_ and E. of _E——_ succeed much better,
although they proceeded no further than single Words; whereof, except
_Bite_, _Bamboozle_, and one or two more, the whole Vocabulary is
antiquated.
The same Fate hath already attended those other Town-Wits, who furnish us
with a great Variety of new Terms, which are annually changed, and those
of the last Season sunk in Oblivion. Of these I was once favoured with a
compleat List by the Right Honourable the Lord and Lady _H——_, with which
I made a considerable Figure one Summer in the Country; but returning
up to Town in Winter, and venturing to produce them again, I was partly
hooted, and partly not understood.
The only Invention of late Years, which hath any way contributed towards
Politeness in Discourse, is that of abbreviating or reducing Words of
many Syllables into one, by lopping off the rest. This Refinement, having
begun about the Time of the _Revolution_, I had some Share in the Honour
of promoting it, and I observe, to my great Satisfaction, that it makes
daily Advancements, and I hope in Time will raise our Language to the
utmost Perfection; although, I must confess, to avoid Obscurity, I have
been very sparing of this Ornament in the following Dialogues.
But, as for Phrases, invented to cultivate Conversation, I defy all the
Clubs of Coffee-houses in this town to invent a new one equal in Wit,
Humour, Smartness, or Politeness, to the very worst of my Set; which
clearly shews, either that we are much degenerated, or that the whole
Stock of Materials hath been already employed. I would willingly hope,
as I do confidently believe, the latter; because, having my self, for
several Months, racked my Invention (if possible) to enrich this Treasury
with some Additions of my own (which, however, should have been printed
in a different Character, that I might not be charged with imposing
upon the Publick) and having shewn them to some judicious Friends, they
dealt very sincerely with me; all unanimously agreeing, that mine were
infinitely below the true old Helps to Discourse, drawn up in my present
Collection, and confirmed their Opinion with Reasons, by which I was
perfectly convinced, as well as ashamed, of my great Presumption.
But, I lately met a much stronger Argument to confirm me in the same
Sentiments: For, as the great Bishop BURNET, of _Salisbury_, informs
us in the Preface to his admirable _History of his own Times_, that
he intended to employ himself in polishing it every Day of his Life,
(and indeed in its Kind it is almost equally polished with this Work of
mine:) So, it hath been my constant Business, for some Years past, to
examine, with the utmost Strictness, whether I could possibly find the
smallest Lapse in Style or Propriety through my whole Collection, that,
in Emulation with the Bishop, I might send it abroad as the most finished
Piece of the Age.
It happened one Day as I was dining in good Company of both Sexes, and
watching, according to my Custom, for new Materials wherewith to fill my
Pocket-Book, I succeeded well enough till after Dinner, when the Ladies
retired to their Tea, and left us over a Bottle of Wine. But I found we
were not able to furnish any more Materials, that were worth the Pains of
transcribing: For, the Discourse of the Company was all degenerated into
smart Sayings of their own Invention, and not of the true old Standard;
so that, in absolute Despair, I withdrew, and went to attend the Ladies
at their Tea. From whence I did then conclude, and still continue to
believe, either that Wine doth not inspire Politeness, or that our Sex is
not able to support it without the Company of Women, who never fail to
lead us into the right Way, and there to keep us.
It much encreaseth the Value of these Apophthegms, that unto them we
owe the Continuance of our Language, for at least an hundred Years;
neither is this to be wondered at; because indeed, besides the Smartness
of the Wit, and Fineness of the Raillery, such is the Propriety and
Energy of Expression in them all, that they never can be changed, but to
Disadvantage, except in the Circumstance of using Abbreviations; which,
however, I do not despair, in due Time, to see introduced, having already
met them at some of the Choice Companies in town.
Although this Work be calculated for all Persons of Quality and Fortune
of both Sexes; yet the Reader may perceive, that my particular View was
to the OFFICERS of the ARMY, the GENTLEMEN of the INNS of COURTS, and of
BOTH the UNIVERSITIES; to all COURTIERS, Male and Female, but principally
to the MAIDS of HONOUR, of whom I have been personally acquainted with
two-and-twenty Sets, all excelling in this noble Endowment; till for
some Years past, I know not how, they came to degenerate into Selling
of BARGAINS, and FREE-THINKING; not that I am against either of these
Entertainments at proper Seasons, in compliance with Company, who
may want a Taste for more exalted Discourse, whose Memories may be
short, who are too young to be perfect in their Lessons. Or (although
it be hard to conceive) who have no Inclination to read and learn my
Instructions. And besides, there is a strong Temptation for Court-Ladies
to fall into the two Amusements above-mentioned, that they may avoid
the Censure of affecting Singularity, against the general Current and
Fashion of all about them: But, however, no Man will pretend to affirm,
that either BARGAINS or BLASPHEMY, which are the principal Ornaments
of FREE-THINKING, are so good a Fund of polite Discourse, as what is
to be met with in my Collection. For, as to BARGAINS, few of them seem
to be excellent in their kind, and have not much Variety, because they
all terminate in one single Point; and, to multiply them, would require
more Invention than People have to spare. And, as to BLASPHEMY or
FREE-THINKING, I have known some scrupulous Persons, of both Sexes, who,
by a prejudiced Education, are afraid of Sprights. I must, however,
except the MAIDS of HONOUR, who have been fully convinced, by an infamous
Court-Chaplain, that there is no such Place as Hell.
I cannot, indeed, controvert the Lawfulness of FREE-THINKING, because
it hath been universally allowed, that Thought is free. But, however,
although it may afford a large Field of Matter; yet in my poor Opinion,
it seems to contain very little of Wit or Humour; because it hath
not been antient enough among us to furnish established authentick
Expressions, I mean, such as must receive a Sanction from the polite
World, before their Authority can be allowed; neither was the Art of
BLASPHEMY or FREE-THINKING invented by the Court, or by Persons of great
Quality, who, properly speaking, were Patrons, rather than Inventors of
it; but first brought in by the Fanatick Faction, towards the end of
their Power, and, after the Restoration, carried to _Whitehall_ by the
converted _Rumpers_, with very good Reasons; because they knew, that
K. _Charles_ the Second, who, from a wrong Education, occasioned by
the Troubles of his Father, had Time enough to observe, that Fanatick
Enthusiasm directly led to Atheism, which agreed with the dissolute
Inclinations of his Youth; and, perhaps, these Principles were farther
cultivated in him by the _French_ Huguenots, who have been often charged
with spreading them among us: However, I cannot see where the Necessity
lies, of introducing new and foreign Topicks for Conversation, while we
have so plentiful a Stock of our own Growth.
I have likewise, for some Reasons of equal Weight, been very sparing
in DOUBLE ENTENDRES; because they often put Ladies upon affected
Constraints, and affected Ignorance. In short, they break, or very much
entangle, the Thread of Discourse; neither am I Master of any Rules, to
settle the disconcerted Countenances of the Females in such a Juncture;
I can, therefore, only allow _Inuendoes_ of this Kind to be delivered in
Whispers, and only to young Ladies under Twenty, who, being in Honour
obliged to blush, it may produce a new Subject for Discourse.
Perhaps the Criticks may accuse me of a Defect in my following System
of POLITE CONVERSATION; that there is one great Ornament of Discourse,
whereof I have not produced a single Example; which, indeed, I purposely
omitted for some Reasons that I shall immediately offer; and, if those
Reasons will not satisfy the Male Part of my gentle Readers, the Defect
may be supplied in some manner by an _Appendix_ to the _Second Edition_;
which _Appendix_ shall be printed by it self, and sold for _Sixpence_,
stitched, and with a Marble Cover, that my Readers may have no Occasion
to complain of being defrauded.
The Defect I mean is, my not having inserted, into the Body of my Book,
all the OATHS now most in Fashion for embellishing Discourse; especially
since it could give no Offence to the _Clergy_, who are seldom or never
admitted to these polite Assemblies. And it must be allowed, that Oaths,
well chosen, are not only very useful Expletives to Matter, but great
Ornaments of Style.
What I shall here offer in my own Defence upon this important Article,
will, I hope, be some Extenuation of my Fault.
First, I reasoned with my self, that a just Collection of Oaths, repeated
as often as the Fashion requires, must have enlarged this Volume, at
least, to Double the Bulk; whereby it would not only double the Charge,
but likewise make the Volume less commodious for Pocket-Carriage.
Secondly, I have been assured by some judicious Friends, that themselves
have known certain Ladies to take Offence (whether seriously or no) at
too great a Profusion of Cursing and Swearing, even when that Kind of
Ornament was not improperly introduced; which, I confess, did startle me
not a little; having never observed the like in the Compass of my own
several Acquaintance, at least for twenty Years past. However, I was
forced to submit to wiser Judgments than my own.
Thirdly, as this most useful Treatise is calculated for all future Times,
I considered, in this Maturity of my Age, how great a Variety of Oaths I
have heard since I began to study the World, and to know Men and Manners.
And here I found it to be true what I have read in an antient Poet.
“For, now-a-days, Men change their Oaths,
As often as they change their Cloaths.”
In short, Oaths are the Children of Fashion, they are in some sense
almost Annuals, like what I observed before of Cant-Words; and I my
self can remember about forty different Sets. The old Stock-Oaths I am
confident, do not mount to above forty five, or fifty at most; but the
Way of mingling and compounding them is almost as various as that of the
Alphabet.
Sir JOHN PERROT was the first Man of Quality whom I find upon Record to
have sworn by _G—’s W—s_. He lived in the Reign of Q. _Elizabeth_, and
was supposed to have been a natural Son of _Henry_ the Eighth, who might
also have probably been his Instructor. This Oath indeed still continues,
and is a Stock-Oath to this Day; so do several others that have kept
their natural Simplicity: But, infinitely the greater Number hath been so
frequently changed and dislocated, that if the Inventors were now alive,
they could hardly understand them.
Upon these Considerations I began to apprehend, that if I should insert
all the Oaths as are now current, my Book would be out of Vogue with the
first Change of Fashion, and grow useless as an old Dictionary: Whereas,
the Case is quite otherways with my Collection of polite Discourse;
which, as I before observed, hath descended by Tradition for at least
an hundred Years, without any Change in the Phraseology. I, therefore,
determined with my self to leave out the whole System of Swearing;
because, both the male and female Oaths are all perfectly well known and
distinguished; new ones are easily learnt, and with a moderate Share of
Discretion may be properly applied on every fit Occasion. However, I must
here, upon this Article of Swearing, most earnestly recommend to my male
Readers, that they would please a little to study Variety. For, it is
the Opinion of our most refined Swearers, that the same Oath or Curse,
cannot, consistent with true Politeness, be repeated above nine Times in
the same Company, by the same Person, and at one Sitting.
I am far from desiring, or expecting, that all the polite and ingenious
Speeches, contained in this Work, should, in the general Conversation
between Ladies and Gentlemen, come in so quick and so close as I have
here delivered them. By no means: On the contrary, they ought to be
husbanded better, and spread much thinner. Nor, do I make the least
Question, but that, by a discreet thrifty Management, they may serve
for the Entertainment of a whole Year, to any Person, who does not make
too long or too frequent Visits in the same Family. The Flowers of Wit,
Fancy, Wisdom, Humour, and Politeness, scattered in this Volume, amount
to one thousand, seventy and four. Allowing then to every Gentleman and
Lady thirty visiting Families, (not insisting upon Fractions) there
will want but little of an hundred polite Questions, Answers, Replies,
Rejoinders, Repartees, and Remarks, to be daily delivered fresh, in every
Company, for twelve solar Months; and even this is a higher Pitch of
Delicacy than the World insists on, or hath Reason to expect. But, I am
altogether for exalting this Science to its utmost Perfection.